Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Complete Calvin and Hobbes Strip Transcripts Part 2

See Complete Calvin and Hobbes Strip Transcripts Part 1 here

*GASP* I (pant pant) MADE it! *GASP* Whats with you? I thought you were out building a snowman. I did (pant pant) but I brought him to life (pant pant) and now hes after me! I barely escaped! Uh huh. Lookout the window! Hes probably lurching around the yard! Good heavens you build a snowman right on the front step?! How are we going to get out the door?! AUGHH! Hes looking in! he knows where I live!!
You brought a snowman to LIFE?? I didnt think hed be evil! What are we going to do? I dunno but weve got to get rid of him somehow. Maybe we could lure him inside and hed melt! It would take him HOURS and if he didnt kill Mom shed have a fit about the water on the floor. Hmm... how did they finally kill Frosty? Beats me. Now I wish Id watched that dumb show! Maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.
Yikes! There he is! Pack snowballs! Maybe we can knock him out! Yaa! Yaaa! UNGHH! The snowballs just STUCK to him! Look its given him an idea! Hes packing more snow onto himself! Hes making himself bigger! Oh NO!
He keeps packing more snow on himself! Hes getting huge! This is really creepy. Now hes made a big snowball and hes putting rocks and sticks in it! I wonder what hes making. Ewww! Hes giving himself two weird heads!! Any time the sun wanted to come out it would be just fine with me. NOW hes added another ARM! Hes turned himself into a deranged mutant killer monster snow goon!!
The snow goon is lumbering off toward the front yard! Lets cut around the house and build a fort! What do you suppose its going to do? I dont know but whatever it is were going to need protection! Calvin that snowman out front is hideous. Why cant you make a NORMAL snowman? I tried Dad. I tried.
You know Hobbes it seems the only time most people go outside is to walk to their cars. We have houses electricity plumbing heat... maybe were so sheltered and comfortable that weve lost touch with the natural world and forgotten our place in it. Maybe weve lost our awe of nature. Thats why I want to ask YOU as a tiger a wild animal close to nature what you think were put on earth to do. Whats our purpose in life? Why are we here? Were here to devour each other alive. Turn on the lights! Turn up the heat!
This will be the strongest snow fort ever built! Ughh ngghh rghh mnhg UNNHH. There! Were safe from that snow goon NOW! I wonder why we havent seen him for a while.
Hi Calvin. Nice snow fort. Ill say! The walls are two feet thick and weve got snowballs in here! Who are you fighting? Theres a snow goon running loose! If I were you I wouldnt stick around. This could get ugly. Whats a snow goon? Its like a snow man but a grotesque evil demented monster. Oh is THAT what all those ugly things you made in the front yard are? What do you mean all those?
Look a NEW snow goon! Thats not the one I made! The original snow goon must be making his OWN snow goons! OH NO! Ill bet hes making an army! In a few days he could build a hundred snow goons! If each of THEM build ANOTHER hundred and then THOSE all build a hundred MORE why... that would be pretty cool if they werent out to kill me. I vote we make tracks for Florida.
Calvin its late! Time to come in! I cant Mom! Ive got to kill snow goons! You can kill them tomorrow after school. Cmon inside. But by tomorrow there will be more of them! Lets go Calvin. Moms and reason are like oil and water.
Can you see the snow goons out there? Yeah. Theyre still making more of each other. How many did you see? About 15. Man how am I going to school tomorrow? Ill never even make it to the bus stop! I cant outrun 15 snow goons! Im as good as dead! Sweet dreams. Yeah right! Can I take an ax to school tomorrow for ... um... show and tell?
The snow goons arent moving! Theyre asleep! Nows our chance to go bump em off! We cant go outside NOW! Its 10 oclock at night! Oh yeah. Mom and Dad are still up. Well have to wait at least an hour.
Calvin this is the last time Im calling you! Get up before you miss the bus! Well look whos finally up! Its Mr Sunshine! You know Calvin from now on youre going to bed earlier. This dragging out of bed late with a surly attitude every morning is going to stop. Youre only kidding yourself bucko. Bedtime is 7:00. We shouldve adopted a 25-year-old with his own apartment.
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! HA HA HA! DIE SNOW GOON DIE!
More water Hobbes! Well freeze the snow goons right where they snooze! Die! Die! Let out more hose! Ha ha! These monsters will be popsicles through July! There! We got em all! Ill spray a little extra water around just to make sure everythings absolutely frozen. Psst Calvin! Your parents light is on! I think your Dads coming! Uh oh! Maybe I should get HIM with the hose too.
That IS Calvin! Hes outside with the garden hose! Its after midnight! What do we have to do CHAIN him in bed?! CALVIN GET IN HERE! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOURE WAAUGHH! THE WHOLE YARDS ICE! Run Hobbes! Dads a snow goon too!
Dad dont kill me! I can explain this! Help! Help! Snow goons! I froze em! They were going to GET me so I had to get them first! Ask Hobbes! Calvin it is after midnight. Believe me we will discuss this VERY thoroughly tomorrow. You get into bed this instant. Like Im going to get any sleep NOW.
See?? See the snow goons? I didnt make them! I mean I made ONE sort of by accident but the rest made themselves! They were building an army see? See thats why I had to freeze them last night! I had to get em while they were sleeping! It was my only chance see? See it all makes sense! See? See?? They never see.
Well Hobbes I guess theres a moral to all this. Whats that? Snow Goons are bad news. That lesson certainly ought to be inapplicable elsewhere in life. I like maxims that dont encourage behavior modification.
What do you know about love Hobbes? Lots! Yeah? Like what? Im not telling. WHY NOT? Its a sophisticated thing. SOPHISTICATED?! Whaddaya MEAN sophisticated?? IM sophisticated! Why wont you talk about it? Nice weather today. RRRRGH!! You know something and you wont tell me what it is! Maybe when youre older. When Im OLDER?! Why cant you tell me now?! Some things you wouldnt understand. Ha! I bet you dont know ANYthing about love! THATs why you wont tell me!! If thats what you want to believe go ahead. TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NOT! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! TELL ME! NO! Look just give me a hint OK? One hint cmon! OK here! Snoogy-woogy wips. EWW See? I told you you werent old enough.
You have to admit its slowed down the traffic on our road.
Any luck? Im so disappointed. HEY JET PILOTS! DO A BARREL ROLL!
WHAP!! Did you thow that?! Who me? Who ME? Who?! ME?? WHO... ME?! Who me???
If we go fast enough and pull up just as we hit those rocks we might if were lucky clear the ravine and have the ride of our lives! On the other hand if we miss well probably spend our few remaining days hooked up to machines and intravenous fluids! Its either spectacular unbelievable success or crushing hopeless defeat! Theres no middle ground! OK there IS a middle ground but its for sissy weasels.
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When are we going to get there? Cant you drive any faster?? I dont like to go much faster than this. Can I drive then? Ill bet I could go REAL fast! Hmm... well OK sure. Ill pull over. Dont worry about a thing Dad! Which pedal is the clutch? The left one. Then brake then gas. Here we go! Hang on! Ooh this IS faster! Blow the horn! Make everyone get out of our way! Wheeee! Were airborne! We shouldve done this sooner! Well get there in no time now! I wonder how fast were going. Cant say. We broke the speedometer. This is the only way to travel. Were passing that jet! Way to go Calvin! I LIKE driving! ..SIGHHH.. How much longer NOW? I told you well get there when we get there.
Cmon Calvin! Get up or youll be late for school. Today my SPIRIT is going to school while my body stays in bed. Now my spirit is in bed.
Jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump... jump! I win! Youve only won in the outward manifestation of this game. My SPIRIT is still unvanquished. Thats 165 straight games youve lost. My spirit is kicking the spirit of your checkers clear across the room.
Who would like to summarize what we just read? Calvin? How about you? Sorry! Im here against my will. I refuse to cooperate. They can transport my BODY to school but they cant chain my SPIRIT! My spirit roams free! Walls cant confine it! Laws cant restrain it! Authority has no power over it! Calvin if youd put half the energy of your protests into your schoolwork... You can try to leave a message but my spirit screens its calls.
Time for bed Calvin. You can put my body to bed but my spirits going to stay right here so why bother? Why shouldnt I just stay up? Because the body is the home of the spirit and if youre not in bed in two minutes your spirit is going to be permanently nomadic. Home sweet home.
There ought to be a law against having school on days when theres enough snow to play in. Of course I dont think there should be school in FALL either... and summers out altready... and then theres spring... I guess Id go to school a day in November and a day in March. By second grade youd be packing your lunch box with denture cleaners. And before I got to third grade I could reture.
Here comes the giant ship! AHWOOOOOO! AHWOOOOO! But whats this?! Hes going full speed through the dangerous strait! The oil tanker crashed Mom. You poured INK in the bath water??
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Look what I made Hobbes. What is it? What IS it? Why its a huge bird foot. Im going to press it in the snow and make everyone think a two-ton chickadee walked by. I guess time weighs more heavily on some peoples hands than others. Hes just jealous because I accomplish so much more than he does.
Hey Dad you know how you wanted me to shovel the driveway? Well I thought up a BETTER idea! Ill shovel and pack the snow into a big ramp! You can get in the car rev up to near red line throw out the clutch leave a patch of multen rubber out the garage and zoom up the ramp! Then we could line barrells and stuff down the driveway and see how many you could clear! Wouldnt that be great?? I dont see why some people even HAVE cars.
AUGHHH! A SNOW SNAKES GOT ME! Horrible inner teeth on its separately moving upper jaw bones are pulling me down its frigid gullet! Run for your life! At least I HAVE a life... unlike some weirdos I know. I suppose if I had two X chromosomes ID feel hostile too.
No one ELSE at office talks about this kind of thing.
I like sledding DOWN hills. But I hate having to climb back up! Its too much work! Its boring! Its slow! I know! Ill sit on the sled and you PULL me up OK? Run as fast as you can and zigzag around trees and stuff! Even my FRIENDS dont do what I want.
Calvins been outside building something since early this morning. I cant tell what it is. Can you? It doesnt look like anything from here.
... so if we subtract five from... OUIR FEARLESS HERO ESCAPES! We join the valiant Spaceman Spiff as he flees his bloatoid captors! Our hero scrambles into his waiting spacecraft! Spiff pressurizes the magnetronic altitude-o-lators and hits the turbo hyper-thrust drive! Instantly our hero blasts to escape velocity! Half a micromoment later Spiff is just another speck in the infinite sea of outer space! Alone and free in an endless frontier! Free to roam the heavens in mans noble quest to investigate the weirdness of the universe! Whee what fun! Im glad you could come home so early! Cmon ol buddy! Lets go exploring and find some gross bugs! Hello? ... speaking... HE WHAT?!
Theres Susie! Heh heh! Watch me knock her fillings loose! YAAA! PIFF You know I THOUGHT Earths gravity felt exceptionally strong today. I guess that explains how you spilled your oatmeal down the heater this morning.
Obviously I cant throw snowballs at Susie when Earths gravity has increased. THIS is a job for... ...for? Mom mustve put my cape in the wrong drawer!
So who is this a job for? STUPENDOUS MAN! Mmf! Ghh! Super heroes wear snow pants? When theres snow out they do! This looks like a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Well of course the zippers going to get stuck if everyone stands around watching me!
Earths excessive gravity is no match for STUPENDOUS MANs stupendous strength! With muscules of magnitude the masked man of might rolls a gigantic snowball... and flies it high into the stratosphere... where he uses his stupendous vision to locate the diabolical arch-fiend ANNOYING GIRL!
From high in the sky STUPENDOUS MAN takes advantage of Earths strong gravity! A direct hit! STUPENDOUS MAN triumphs! With ANNOYING GIRL vanquished the whirlwind wonder zooms back to resume his secret identity! Did you save the day? Justice reigned once more! Calvin Susies Mom just called. I want to talk to you.
Susies Mom says you dropped a snowball the size of a bowling ball on Susie from a tree. It couldnt have been ME! Im very mild mannered. She described exactly the hood and cape I made you. Why it mustve been STUPENDOUS MAN defender of liberty and justice! Im sure Susie deserved whatever she got. Listen to me. You could hurt someone that way and if I ever hear of anything like this again Ill take away your costume for good got it? Hmm this sounds like ANOTHER job for Stupendous Man! Actually it doesnt sound like QUITE his type of job.
Dad how do soldiers killing each other solve the worlds problems? I think grown-ups just ACT like they know what theyre doing.
Hi honey! How was school? I got stuck in my snow pants. Uh oh. What happened? Well the zipper got covered with ice so I tried to force it. Then my mitten got caught and jammed the zipper. I tried to PULL my snow pants off but I forgot to take my boots off first so THOSE got stuck and then the pants got all twisted so I fell over and finally the teacher had to call two custodians to get me out! So I want to be sure to wear them again tomorrow.
Look Ive got some modelling clay! What are you making? This is a hoof. A hoof? Right! This will be a life-size equestrian statue of me! A new horseman of the apocalypse hmm? I think Im going to need more clay.
My essay is entitled After school at my house. ...ahem... Its not that I MIND being chained in the basement its just that when the meat is thrown down the rats have the advantage of numbers and they... What Miss Wormwood? Another parent-teacher conference? I told her to expect you to deny everything.
MOMM! MOM! Whats the matter?? Whats wrong? Hobbes wants a second good night kiss. ITS TWO IN THE MORNING!! He says the first kiss didnt take. Hmph. I dont think THAT one took either. Oh go to sleep.
Susie would you do me a really big favor? No. Pleeeeease?? Its nothing bad. What is it? Just go up to my house open the front door and yell Im home. Why should I? Um... its a surprise. I mean no reason. I just dare you. Well forget it. Cmon theres nothing to it! Look Ill give you a quarter if youll do it! OK. Oh man this is going to be great! Yes! Yes! Im opening the door... Shell never know what hit her! Hee hee hee! IM HOME! Thanks for the quarter sucker. No wait! It didnt happen! Say it again! Doggone it! Whats wrong with that furball?? Wheres his killer instinct when you really ... WAAA KAPOW! Never never never never NEVER trust a tiger. I can always tell when its you by the bad smell! Yoo hoo hoo!
AUGH! Who did this? The Dames scream hit an octave usually reserved for calling dogs but it meant I had a case and the sound of greenbacks slapping across my palm is music to my ears any day. After all Im not an opera critic. Im a private eye.
I keep two magnums in my desk. Ones a gun and I keep it loaded. The others a bottle and it keeps ME loaded. Im Tracer Bullet. Im a professional snoop. Its a tough job but then Im a tough guy. Some people dont like an audience when they work. Enough of them have told me so with blunt instruments that Im a phrenologists dream come true. Snooping pays the bills though. Especially Bill my bookie and Bill my probation officer. So when a tall brunette opened my door with a case for me my heart did a few calisthenics and I took the job.
The dame said she had a case. She sounded like a case herself but I cant choose my clients. She was the pushy type the kind whod break your heart or maybe your arms. I hurried over. Either she had a psychotic decorator or her place had been ransacked by someone in a big hurry. WELL?! How do you explain this? The dame was hysterical. Dames usually are.
What have you got to say for yourself? Dont touch anything. Im looking for clues. The click of a hammer being cocked behind my head focused my thoughts like only a loaded .38 can. The dame had set me up! She didnt want me to solve the case at all! She just wanted a patsy to pin the crime on! Well? I didnt like the way this story was shaping up so I decided to write a new ending with my .45 automatic as co-author.
I introduced the dame to a friend whos very close to my heart. Just a little down and left to be specific. My friend is an eloquent speaker. He made three profound arguments while I excused myself from the room. I always leave when the talk gets philosophical. Youre in REAL trouble NOW young man!!
Id just finished putting the puzzle pieces together when the dames hired goon jumped out of nowhere and practiced for his chiropractic degree. When the discussion was done an all-percussion symphony was playing in my head and the accoustics were incredible. The orchestra went on a ten-city tour of my brain. And I had a season pass with front row seats. I had figured out who trashed the dames living room but since she wasnt my client any more I felt no need to divulge that information. Besides the culprit happened to be a buddy of mine. I closed the case. I guess we shouldve played outside huh?
Isnt it strange that evolution would give us a sense of homor? When you think about it its weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We LAUGH at nonsense. We LIKE it. We think its funny. Dont you think its odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? I suppose if we couldnt laugh at things that dont make sense we couldnt react to a lot of life. I cant tell if thats funny or really scary.
Whats up today? Nothing so far. So far? Well you never know. Something COULD happen today. And if anything DOES by golly Im going to be ready for it! I need a suit like that.
I just saw a commercial for a luxury cruise. How come WE dont ever go on vacations like that? Vacations are all just a matter of comparison. Huh? We spend a week in cold uncomfortable tents each year so living HERE the rest of the time seems like a luxury cruise. If your trips are unpleasant your whole LIFE is a vacation. Please tell me Im adopted.
You know I dont think math is a science. I think its a religion. A religion? Yeah. All these equations are like miracles. You take two numbers and when you add them they magically become one NEW number! No one can say how it happens. Either you believe it or you dont. This whole book is full of things that have to be accepted on faith! Its a religion! And in public schools no less. Call a lawyer. As a math atheist I should be excused from this.
An ordinary cheetah can go over 60 miles an hour. A human can hardly do a quarter of that. What a joke? You think cats are so great! Well humans dont HAVE to be so fast or so strong because WERE so much SMARTER! If cats are so great how come they dont have cars or rockets or bombs or nuclear... um... reactors or... or... I mean... And we can see six times better at night than you can! Six TIMES! And boy talk about agility! Hmph.
AUGHH The thrill of the chase is so diminished when ones prey has little legs. OH IM REAL SORRY!
Ha! I landed on chance. I get to take a card! Oh no! It says Defraud the bank. Computer scam diverse assets into your account. Collect $5000. I think Ill buy a few dozen hotels. Ooh you just wait till I land on chance! Monopoly is more fun when you make your own chance cards.
Oh no! Look at poor Calvin! Whats gone wrong? Hes a crude black outline barely containing garish color! What a horrible fate! His eyes dont even point the same direction! Each eye sees a different view! His nostrils are on the front of his nose like a pig! His ears are just flaps on his head! And whats this stuff on top? Is that supposed to be HAIR?! AAUGHH! Calvins hands are balls with sticks in them! He doesnt even have the right number of fingers! Where are his thumbs?? And his feet! They arent the same size! They face out sideways! How can Calvin stand up? Who knows? Look at his moronic expression! His face reveals no spark of intelligence! Calvin is devoid of reality and substance! How can he be saved?? What can be done?? Here we go! Ha ha. RRRRRGGHH! I hate drawing! What a waste of time! Gee it was getting pretty goot at the end.
BOK BOK BOK BOK I kind of resent the manufacturers implicit assumption that this would amuse me.
Hey Dad Hobbes says that tigers are more perfectly evolved than humans! He says that if the playing field was level and we didnt have guns people would be nothing but CAT FOOD! Tell him thats not... There! 10 cents. We bet a quarter you chiseler.
Im not going to school today. Oh youre not? Nope! Im staying home and watching television all day! Apparently I was misinformed.
Today for show and tell I brought one of my own patent pending inventions! I have in my hand an invisible cretinizer! One shot renders the victim a babbling simp a dolt an utter moron! OH SURE CALVIN! GIVE US A BREAK! As Ronald proves its quite effective even at long range. HEY!
Find any dinosaur bones yet? Nope. I wish we lived in the badlands of Montana. Its easier there because erosion often exposes the bones. HERE though you just have to start digging and hope for the best. Hence the systematic approach hmm? Right. I guess Ill have to move that sapling.
Uh oh. STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I had big plans outside today and I dont want to see them ruined. HEY! ARE YOU LISTENING?! Stop raining! I mean it! BOOMM! Oh NO! You want to play rough do you? FINE! Its man against the elements! Conscious being versus insentient nature! My wits against your force! WELL see who triumphs! DO YOUR WORST! CMON. LETS SEE WHAT YOUVE GOT! You cant crush the human spirit! On behalf of all earthly life I defy you!! Ha ha! This is just a little bath! Big deal! I think Ill take off my clothes and splash around! What do you say to THAT?! OW! OW! WHATS WITH THE HAIL?! THATS FIGHTING DIRTY! NO FAIR!! Are you trying to KILL me?! OW! Whats going with you?! Ow! Ow! Im going in! Ow! I quit! I quit! Ill bet theres an explanation for this and Ill bet I dont want to hear it. The universe has an attitude Mom!
Well look at you! Dont you look nice and neat! Yes I believe in the importance of good grooming. Speaking of which Id better get in the tub if I want to be in bed on time. JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I heard Calvin splashing in the tub but theres no water on the floor. His towel is hung to dry! The toothpaste cap is on! Theres no mess anywhere! And youre already in bed?? Would you check over my homework tonight so I can correct any mistakes in the morning before school? Thanks Mom.
Good morning Mom. Youre up and dressed? I didnt even call yoU! I like to get up early so the morning isnt rushed. And with the extra time I can review my assignments and be better prepared for class. Im bracing myself for when the other shop drops. Dont get up. Ill fix my own breakfast. Do we have any prunes?
I made my bed and I put my breakfast dishes away! Im off to school now! Have a good day. Thank you. Ill study hard. A good education is invaluable. This is working out great! I cant believe your Mom thinks thats you.
Ive got to say Hobbes Ive really perfected my old duplicator THIS time! Ill grant it needed perfecting. It was so simple to add an ethicator! I dont know why I didnt think of it before! Now instead of making a COMPLETE duplicate of me Ive made a duplicate of just my GOOD side! He does all the work and I get all the credit! Hes a total sap! I know! I know the answer! Youve gotten so many lets let someone else try this one. OK dear?
Last time you made a duplicate of yourself the DUPLICATE made duplicates remember? It was a mess! True but thanks to the ethicator it cant happen THIS time! By only duplicating my GOOD side Ive ensured that THIS duplicate wont cause any trouble! Hes a complete boy scout! Theres nothing this twerp likes better than making everyones life easier! He lives for it! The ethicator mustve done some deep digging to unearth HIM! Talk about someone easy to exploit!
I never get to do anything REALLY fun. If youre bored go clean your room.
When youre done putting my toys away you can get to work on my math assignment. OK. Isnt this the life? We get to do whatever we want while goody-two-shoes here does all the work! He doesnt even complain! Virtue is its own reward. He doesnt complain but his self-righteousness sure gets on my nerves.
Hello may I carry your books for you? Why? So you can throw them in a puddle or something? Forget it! I wouldnt do that! Yeah youd probably do something WORSE! Youre not touching my books Calvin! Strictly speaking Im not Calvin. Im the physical manifestation of Calvins GOOD side. If that was true youd be a lot smaller. Boy have I heard THAT joke a lot. And if you think you can get my books by acting even weirder than usual think again!
Say Calvin that nice girl down the street seems to think youre a total jerk. Who Susie? You werent talking to Susie were you? Yes. I offered to carry her books and she... YOU DID WHAT?! She clearly doesnt trust you at all. Oh man! Nobody SAW you did they?! Theyll think it was ME! You want to make it look like I LIKE her?! She seemed upset so this afternoon I took her some flowers I picked but... AUGHH! AUGHH! AUGHH!
I hear youre pretty smooth with the ladies! Woo woo woo! Oh knock it off! Its that darn duplicate and you know it! Man hes gone too far! I dont mind if he cleans my room and gets good grades but by golly I draw the line at being nice to Susie! Cant that duplicate tell shes a GIRL?! Oh I think hes figured that out. I saw him cutting hearts out of red construction paper! WAUGH! ... And who could make My heart feel woozy? Only thou my fair Sweet Susie.
DONT TELL ME MY DUPLICATE IS WRITING SUSIE MASH NOTES!! You little charmer you! Im the dictator-for-life of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club! My reputation! My honor! My principles! Weve got to stop him! Oh no! Hes not in my room! He must be on his way to Susies house! Youre probably going to get smoochies right now! Big wet ones I bet! MORE sarcasm?! You come here again and Ill clobber you Calvin.
You again?! Was I here before? Are you crazy?! You were here just two minutes ago! Uh-oh. Im not STILL here am I? YOURE STANDING RIGHT THERE! WELL ANYONE CAN SEE THAT! AM I HERE ANYWHERE ELSE?! Sheesh. SLAM. Who can fathom the feminine mind? I like em anyway.
Its true Hobbes ignorance IS bliss! Once you know things you start seeing problems everywhere... ...and once you see problems you feel like you ought to try to fix them... ...and fixing problems always seems to require personal change... ...and change means doing things that arent fun! I say phooey to that! But if youre wilfully stupid you dont know any better so you can keep doing whatever you like! The secret to happiness is short-term stupid self-interest! Were heading for that cliff! I dont want to know about it. WAAAUGGHHH! Im not sure I can stand so much bliss. Careful! We dont want to learn anything from this.
THERE you are! There YOU are! Whats the big idea giving Susie a mushy valentine?! Are you nuts? She wouldnt even accept it! YOURE such a jerk she always thinks youre up to something! Who are you calling a jerk you namby-pamby goody-goody! YOU you self-centered conniving brat! Wow how existential can you get?
So its a fight you want is it?! Why Ill tear you limb from... Yeah? Yeah? Oops! I had an evil thought! FFTT. Another casualty of applied metaphysics. My ethicator machine mustve had a built-in moral compromise spectral release phantasmatron! Im a genius!
Youre the only person I know whose GOOD side is prone to badness. Thats why he evaporated. He could only be perfectly good as an abstraction. In his human manifestation he wanted to throttle me. He spectralized just in time! Fascinating. Yes. Of course now you have to do your homework YOURSELF. Actually now that my good side is no longer a physical being I find him that much easier to ignore.
Well thats the end of chapter one. Well stop here. No read the whole book OK? Calvin theres a hundred more pages and its late. Well read another chapter tomorrow. No no! Finish it tonight! Gee you must really like this. I have to write a paper on it tomorrow.
You know what Ive noticed Hobbes? Thinkgs dont bug you if you dont think about them. So from now on I simply wont think about anything I dont like and Ill be happy all the time. Dont you think thats a pretty silly and irresponsible way to live? What a pretty afternoon.
What are you doing out in the rain? Im engaging in a contest of wills! Its me against nature! Its me against nature! Which of us is going to give up first? Is NATURE going to give up and stop raining or am I going to give up and go inside? So far its undecided but Im determined to win! OOOH BIG NOISE! YOU DONT SCARE ME! KEEP IT COMING! IM NOT GOING IN! Poor guy just couldnt stand the suspense.
This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hail Calvin and Hobbes! On todays agenda well make a list of what girls are GOOD for. Obviously this will be a short meeting! Ha! First tiger Hobbes will record the list for posterity! OK first girls are good for water balloon targets! Ha ha! Second theyre good for NOTHING! Ha ha ha! Hee hee slow down! Number three girls are good for colonizing Pluto! Ah ha ha! What a great list! Number four theyre good for smooching! Hoo hoo! Number five is... WHAT?!? Did you say SMOOCHING?? What kind of treasonous sissy idea is THAT?! Well its true. OOOG! AAACK! I got the dry heaves!! Youre demoted from First Tiger to Tiger Bulk Rate! You cant supress the facts! I award myself a medal of valor! How would you know its a fact?! Have you been a traitor to the cause?! I have my sources! Ow! This unleader-like behaviour will be noted in the club minutes! Have you been smooching the enemy?! Out with it!! YOU have! I saw it so dont try to deny it! ME?! Thats a filthy lie! Youll pay for this vile slander! Oh yeah? Your Mom kissed you right on the cheek last night remember? ...Oh yeah... I guess Mom IS kind of a girl sort of... See? According to club rules you should be excommunicated. OK Presidential pardons all around! Agreed! Well add an amendment saying smooching is optional if its your Mom. This is such a great club!
I have an announcement. As of today I will no longer respond to the name Calvin. From now on I wish to be addressed as Calvin the Bold. Calvin the Bold? Right. Thats my new name for the rest of my life. How about Calvin the deranged? Also Calvin the Bold will being reffering to himself in the third person.
Calvin will you do the next problem please? Calvin? Who?? YOU! CALVIN THE BOLD demands that he be addressed by his full title for any response. Back again hmm Calvin? Who?
Calvin the bold! Yes? Kneel. Huh?? What? Kneel? By the finite patience vested in me I hereby dub thee Mud. You may rise. My name is MUD?! Mr. Subtlety drives home another point.
MOMMM Whats the matter?? How do ugly things like octopuses and hairy bugs reproduce? Are they actually ATTRACTED to each other? ITS 3AM! GO TO SLEEP! Come to think of it I wonder how PEOPLE are attracted to each other. Ill be thats why they close their eyes when they smooch.
Look at what this dumb toaster did to my toast! It didnt cook it enough the FIRST time so I pushed it down AGAIN and now ONE sides BURNED and other OTHERs hardly singed! That toaster ruined my toast! And yet... somehow... life goes on. Beneath that larger perspective is a guy who doesnt want to spring for a new toaster.
You know before there was television kids actually DID things on nice days like this. Times sure change huh Dad? Ever notice how Dad brings up subjects he doesnt want to talk about?
Pull me way back! More... more... more... Hold it!
Lets say life is this square of the sidewalk. Were born at this crack and we die at that crack. Now we find ourselves somewhere inside the square and in the process of walking out of it suddenly we realize our time in here is fleeting. Is our quick experience here pointless? Does anything we say or do in here really matter? Have we done anything important? Have we been happy? Have we made the most of these precious footsteps??
Want to see a great idea in action? First you drink half of the milk in your thermos. That leaves enough room so you can wad the rest of your lunch in there. See here goes my jelly sandwich and a banana. Let it soak for a minute then shake it all up into sludge and choke it down! Your stomach wont know the difference and it saves your teeth undue wear and tear! Nobody likes my great ideas in action.
Id say Ive had a pretty good life so far. In fact looking back I have only one regret. Whats that? I regret I wasnt born with opposable toes.
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Calvin the commercial airline pilot decides not to fly to St. Louis as scheduled! Calvin doesnt WANT to see St. Louis. Calvin wants to see the GRAND CANYON! Tourists on the rim wave to Calvins screaming passengers as the jet roars into the gorge! ... UP CLOSE! What a view! Its an experience none will ever forget! Everyone will be glad later that Calvin took this scenic detour! If I was driving thats where wed go. Well youre NOT driving and Arizona is NOT on the way to the grocery store.
Attention! All rise! This meeting of G.R.O.S.S. is now called to order by the great grandiose dictator-for-life the ruler supreme the fearless the brave the held-high-in-esteem Calvin the Bold! Yes stand up and hail his humbleness now! May his wisdom prevail! Three cheers for First Tiger and El Presidente Hobbes the delight of all cognoscenti! Hes savvy! He has a prodigious IQ and lots of panache as all tigers do! In his fancy chapeau hes a leader with taste! May his orders be heeded and his views embraced! You can tell this is a great club by the way we start our meetings!
This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club is now in session! First Tiger Hobbes will present our financial report. Wait we didnt sing the G.R.O.S.S. anthem. We sing that at the END of the meeting. I want to sing it NOW. We cant. We have to follow proper protocol! See? It says on the agenda that we sing the anthem LAST! Ohhohh GROHOSS BEST CLUB IN THE COSMOS... STOP THAT YOU ANARCHIST!
You get two demerits for singing the club anthem before it was on the agenda! Well YOU get FIVE demerits for not taking off your hat during its hallowed refrain! You cant give me demerits! I outrank you! Ha! Youre just a figurehead! Your duties are ceremonial! I have all the REAL responsibilities! WHAT? Im dictator-for-life! I have ten TIMES the importance of a lowly First Tiger! A HUNDRED times! A MILLION TIMES! If youre so important how come you sing the soprano part of our anthem? THATS JUST TILL MY VOICE CHANGES!
By golly I wont stand for this insubordination! You are hereby demoted to Club Mascot! Oh yeah? Well YOU can be Club Chowder Head because I QUIT! Im forming my OWN club and its going to be a lot better than THIS one! Ha! Your sorry wont have a cool acronym for a name Ill bet! It will too! MY club is called C.A.D. C.A.D? Whats THAT supposed to stand for? Calvins A Dope! THATS NOT A NAME FOR A CLUB!
If youre clubs called Calvins A Dope then Im changing the name of THIS club to Hobbes is a mangy flea-ridden furball! An insult! I declare eternal war on your club! Go ahead! From now on were bitter enemies! Wait till you see my cunning strategies! Ill have maps and secret codes! Ill have strategies! Ill have maps! Ill have codes! Theyll all be better than yours! Im going to write myself a message in code right now! It says Calvin smells like a baboon! Ha! I broke your code already! And I do NOT!
When you see how cool MY club is youll beg to be in it but I wont let you! Who needs your stinky club?! Ive got my own club! My club dedicates itself to the destruction of your club! Good! ITs a battle to the finish! This is total war! Oh yeah? Well see about THAT! What? Only in your dreams fuzzy face! Hey Calvin! Who are you yelling at up there? Yikes! Shh! Its Susie!
Calvin the bug zips across the room in erratic loops... annoying everyone with his incessant whine and dizzying commotion! Worse still he gets into the cookies spreading filth and contamination everywhere! Yes hes a disgusting menace to sanity and health! What a pest! Ha ha ha! What happened? I got swatted.
Hobbes its Susie! Shes right under us! Its the chance of a lifetime! Real smooth pass me the bag of rotten apples weve been saving! Quick! Quick! What about our war? I thought I was out of the club! All charges are dropped! youre back in! Youre back in! Maybe I want a promotion first. ITS YOURS! NAME IT! JUST GIVE ME THE MUSHY APPLES! Mushy apples? Who are you talking to? Susie dont move OK? Stay exactly where you are.
YAA! YAA! GET RID OF SLIMY GIRLS! HA HA! Ooh is she mad at you! Ha ha ha! Our club is a success! I think shes running off to tell on us. Who cares! It was worth it! What a perfect plan! Talk about something well look back on with pride in our declining years!
Susie Derkins says you were throwing mushy apples at her! We were getting rid of slimy girls! Thats our club! Well STOP it! You know better than that! I think youd better come inside. You can tell this is a great club because we always get in trouble for following our charter!
You know everyone says you should stop and smell the roses? Well this morning I did. BIG DEAL! They smelled like a bunch of dumb flowers! It was the most mundane experience Ive ever had! Whos got time for this nonsense! Im a busy guy! Ive got things to do! The LAST think I need is to stand around with my nose in some silly plant! Im glad you found time for this edifying conversation. Yeah well Im going to have to wrap it up. My TV show is about to start.
OOOOOEEE EEBOOEE BOOEEBOO WAHHHOOOO Thats my siren so you know Im coming. Kids dont NEED sirens.
They say the secret of success is being at the right place at the right time. But since you never know when the right TIME is going to be I figure the trick is to find the right PLACE and just hang around! Being with you its just one epiphany after another. And if the right place is in front of the drug store we could read comic books while we wait!
Ive been reading about the beginning of the universe. They call it The Big Bang. Isnt it weird how scientists can imagine all the matter of the universe exploding out of a dot smaller than the head of a pin but they cant come up with a more evocative name for it than The Big Bang? Thats the whole problem with science. Youve got a bunch of empericists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder. What would you call the creation of the universe? The HORRENDOUS SPACE KABLOOIE! Hmm... that IS better. Almost anything would be. We should lobby to change that. And I think Tyrannosaur should be changed to monstrous killer death lizard.
Oh Mary you look RAVISHING in that skimpy negligee! Mmm... darling dont you wish we were married? But we ARE! ... or did you mean to eath other? Ive got to have you! Lets murder our spouses! MURDER?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way. Come here! KISS KISS Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
MOM CAN I SET FIRE TO MY BED MATRESS? No Calvin. CAN I RIDE MY TRICYCLE ON THE ROOF? No Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No Calvin. Shes on to me.
No Mom! Dont put me to bed. I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9P.M. Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a BATH! Listen just because YOU never take one...
Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch?
Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping!
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
Calvin the ant puts down his grain of sand. Hes sick of working all the time! He hates cooperating with all the other ants! Calvin doesnt WANT to labor for the benefit of the colony! Hes an individual with his own needs and desires! From now on Calvin the ant calls his OWN shots! Let some other sap do the queens bidding! If you wont help US around the house why should we work to feed and shelter YOU?! Calvin the flea sucks the blood of his angry host in parasitic contentment!
Calvin are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Dont the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once and now nobody does. Why what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
Calvin! Whats all this noise?! Youre supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin its just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry ol buddy good thing I missed occasionally huh? Yeah let me see your bat a minute.
Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.
Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps.
I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if were good or if were bad?
Were lost again. Ha! Were brave explorers! The word lost isnt even in our vocabulary! How about the word Mommy? Mommmyyy!!
Z PSST! Hey kid wake up! A MONSTER! He heh! Splash splash splash splash splash splash! STOP THAT! I know what youre up to! Whats he doing? Hes trying to make me have to go to the bathroom. Drop drop dop! Fwoosh sploosh fwoosh sploosh! As soon as I get out of the bed hell grab me and suck out my innards with some vile proboscis! Fwishh splish fwishh splish! Thats terrible! Will they stop at nothing?! His plan is working too! Ill never make it till morning! Splash splash splash splash splash! I have to go. But I cant get out of bed! What am I going to do?? The plants on this side of the house sure dont do very well.
It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means Ive been watching all the wrong channels.
Im not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea Calvin. Its a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working.
Dad how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question and get all your television privileges revoked.
Hobbes have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldnt be so fuzzy ...
What do you find attractive in women Hobbes? Well Ive always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Lets change the subject.
Having transformed myself into a werewolf I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin stop that disgusting drooling!
AAAAAAAAA Hm... I dont think so. Oh Cmon. Im right here.
All right class who would like to give his book report first? Calvin how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...
2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question as it is against my religious principles. Its worth a shot.
Hobbes what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.
We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We dont like girls? Of course not dummy! Were a murderous bunch of pirates remember?! Who do we smooch then?
What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all this way mom didnt have to pack me a lunch!
Well Hobbes we did it again. Were separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately our motto is Be prepared. With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we dont get hungry.
If you dont want to play with old geezers you have to make golf a CONTACT sport!
Calvin pass this note to Jessica. Its a secret note so dont read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
That dirty Susie Derkins. Shell be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica okay? Teacher! Susies passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! Dear Jessica you know what I hate about Calvin? Hes a squealer! Signed Susie. I hope you know a good dentist Susie ...
Now look! You got us sent to the principals office! Gosh! Do you think well get paddled?? They cant paddle me! Im a girl!! Whats that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.
Calvin I dont want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? Well be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! Youre gonna answer to my parents if I cant get my masters degree!
Calvin and Susie would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! Thats a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? Ill never pass notes again! Dont spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we we were dead!! I hate this job.
Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on medium well ...
FWOOSHH In order to determine if there is any universal moral law beyond human convention I have devised the following test. I will throw this water balloon at Susie Derkins unless I receive some sign within the next 30 seconds that this is wrong. It is in the universes power to stop me. Ill accept any remarkable physical happenstance as the sign that I shouldnt do this. Ready?... GO! Tum te tum doo doo ... Nothings happeniinngg... five seconds to go! TIMES UP! That proves it! Theres no moral law! WHEEE! Ha ha! HEY SUSIE!! SPLOOSH HELP! HELP! HELP! Why does the universe always give you the sign AFTER you do it??
Hi Dad. Its me Calvin! Hows work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out isnt it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well just thought Id ask ... listen I suppose youre wondering why I called ...
Dad your polls took a big dive this week. Your Overall Dad performance rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin you didnt get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! Id suggest a new line of work Dad ...
The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?
Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky lets have that ball. Sure Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
Hey! You took my favorite swing! Thats true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Moe I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your breserk pituitary gland! What? Isnt he great folks? Lets give him a big hand.
Ahh this is the life! Outside in the fresh air all alone... no distractions no irritations... nothing but quiet and serenity... a chance to get a feel for the land... the exhilaration of speed... the opportunity to reflect on things and let the mind wander... *sighhh* Getting out like this really makes the rat race seem ridiculous. The weekends just arent long enough to do whats important. You know I think Ill quit my job and ride my bicycle all the time. OK Dear want me to call the bike shop and see if theyll sponsor your mid-life crisis? Yeah. Ask them if theyll upgrade my shifters too.
A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. Whats a peck? A quick smooch. You know I dont understand math at all.
Mom can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.
Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay Im ready!
I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know reincarnation? You just steer okay?
Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!
The aliens came from a far distant world in a large yellow ship that blinked as it twirled. It rounded the moon and entered our sky. We knew they had come but we didnt know why. Bright the next morning with noisy comotion the ship slowly moved out over the ocean. It lowered a tube and drained the whole sea for transport back home to their galaxy. The tube then sucked up the clouds and the air causing no small amount of earthling despair. With nothing to breathe we started to die. Help us! Please stop! was the public outcry. A hatch opened up and the aliens said Were sorry to learn that you will soon be dead but though you may find this slightly macabre we prefer your extinction to the loss of our job. Thats my science fiction story. Think thats too far-fetched? Not enough really.
Hey Calvin its gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I dont want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. Whats a little extortion among friends?
I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence mindless sex and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Moms going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didnt buy it for the music ...
Mom will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? Its a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
Calvin youre not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff conqueror of the cosmos is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed Spiff bolts for the air lock making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
Im home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
Mommmm! Im thirsty! Whats this? Just water?
Somethings wrong! We shouldve touched down by now! Oh no! We miscalculated! Reduce forward momentum! Landing leg is out of alignment! Communications lines are broken! View ports open! Focus! Focus! Rotate upper appendages! AAUGH! RED ALERT! Were going down! Crash positions! Adrenalin at maximum! Retract left landing leg! Redistribute all weight! Its too late! Prepare for impact! Circuit overload! Essential functions only! AAAAAAAAAAA KABOOM Goodness! Are you all right?? Damage assessment is under way.
I need help on my homework. Whats a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.
Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Cant Hobbes come along Dad? He wont eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if hell leave the keys too so I can listen to the radio.
Calvin your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. Its important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! Im rich! Im rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!
When I grow up I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... Im going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... Im going to watch TV all night. Thats what you think buster! You can never tell if theyre listening or not.
Heres a good movie! Vampire Sorority Babes! It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck thats no problem! Lets go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.
I think its time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well your mom helped some too.
Ooh these bug bites itch! But I wont scratch! Its mind over matter. I deny I itch! Aaaahh Oh man it was worth it.
Youre gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. Im dead. Fifth period - Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism. Also known as gym class.
I cant get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We wont be gone long couldnt Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?
Okay Calvin. Well be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? Id like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have Attach of the Coed Cannibals.
Well the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No dont come in. the rug is rigged too.
Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!
Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.
The fearless Spaceman Spiff flies low over an uncharted planet! Suddenly the alien-indicator light flashes! The bizarrotron shows a 3.7 weirdness level! our hero hits the decelerator! Watching for the alien Spiff reflects that weirdness is natures way of adapting life to its environment. Species are endlessly inventive in their will to survive! ZOUNDS!! THERE IT IS! What horrible circumstances of evolution would conspire to make a creature so profoundly UGLY? Our hero moves in for further examination of its hideousness! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?? GET AWAY FROM ME!! According to Spiffs field guide the creature is a gurl. Spiff makes a note that the bizarrotron has been reading a bit low lately. WEIRDO!
Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin what did you do?!
Well Dad your polls are real high this week. Im glad to hear that. Yep those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact with a little push today your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!
Here comes Moe the class bully. Hes not smart but hes streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
Toll booth Dad! You cant put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you dont Ill pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.
A little lower ... ok fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! Ive got to go to work!!
Whats that cereal youre eating? Its my new favorite Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually theyre kinda bland till you scoop sugar on em.
Its hard to believe your conscience lets you sleep that well. NOW it does.
Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well I suppose. I brought you your favorite! Hows it coming? Well I couldnt figure out this subtraction problem so I put Atlanta Georgia ...
Hey Susie wanna see a magic trick? First Ill need a ordinary quarter ... Now Ill disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didnt I say it was a trick??
Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad wont be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.
Ive decided we should be cooler than we are. Were not cool? Sure were cool. But were not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! Its cool to bump into things? You dont move just hang around.
Hey Dad will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Dont be silly. Even if I didnt use it in the house?
CALVIN PAY ATTENTION!! AAAAAAA Were studying GEOGRAPHY! Now what state do you live in? Denial. ...sighhhh... I dont suppose I can argue with THAT...
Why cant I stay up late? You guys can! Its not fair! The world isnt fair Calvin. I know but why isnt it ever unfair in my favor?
The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But hes too late! The awful scum being is upon him! Its all over! Its all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!
As dictator I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed Calvin. Couldnt we vote on this?
If you could wish for anything what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! Youve got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually its hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
Here fish! They must know that one.
Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead Hobbes.
WUMP AAAAAA I need to make friends with some less territorial animals.
I cant get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Dont they?
Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well actually the story itself wasnt so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
Youve got two periods to live Twinky. Then its gym class and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
Wheres my jacket? Ive looked everywhere! Under the bed over my chair on the stairs on the hall floor in the kitchen ... its just not anywhere! Oh here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?
Hocus-pocus Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.
Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.
Calvin the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!
In his minuscule size it takes Calvin the human insect ten minutes to walk across a books page! At the other end he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then its another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. Hes doing his homework.
Heres a movie we should watch. Whos in it? It says Japanese cast. Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy. Doesnt that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
Oh Rosalyn youre here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. Weve had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes let me get my purse ...
Hi Baby Doll. Its me. Yeah. Im baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. Thats right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasnt been any trouble you just have to show these kids whos the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 oclock and its almost 6:30 now.
Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. Thats good. Ill get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?
I dont like the real experience. Its too weird to figure out! You never know whats going on! You dont have any control over events! I prefer to have life filtered through television. That way you know events have been packaged for your convenience! I like a narrative imposed on life so everything logically proceeds to a tidy conclusion. And if you dont like whats happening click you change the channel and theres something different! Thats how real life should be. Click. Oh good a farce!
Susie wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. Hes trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so well be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Dont worry.
Hobbes what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. Whats that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. Thats your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesnt impress the girls of course but theres no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
Hobbes I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies wont let me use the oven?
Its too early to be in bed. Its hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? Its ridiculous. Im not even tired! I dont need to be in bed! This is an outrage! Its the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I cant sleep at all. Can you sleep Hobbes? No!
Ok Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? Youve got it made! No responsibilities no cares no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didnt you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. Shes in one of her moods.
I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon and Im incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!
Whatcha doin? Mom wont get me a springboard so Im making my own. Now you can watch me do the highest jump into the leafpile you ever saw. HERE I GOO! YAA HOOP BONK GAA! WAP! OFF! BOP Why wouldnt your Mom get you a springboard? She was afraid Id hurt myself.
In the commercials this cola greatly increases ones sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenues part. Phoo! Right up my nose.
Its an outrage that six-year-olds cant vote! Here I am a US citizen with no voice in our representative government! Youre concerned about the direction the country is headed? No I just want a bigger piece of the pie.
Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens I think I blew my face inside out!
The waters too cold! Now its too hot. Now its too cold. Now its too deep.
The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know for someone who hates baths as much as you do youre not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.
Here Calvin Ill show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
Hmm.. you dont have a fever. Thats good. My throats still kind of scratchy. I think I should stay home from school tomorrow. Well see. You keep resting and Ill fix some soup to bring you. OK. Not feeling so good?? YIPE! Im FINE! Im the picture of health! I feel great! And I know what youre thinking you savage! By golly if you try carrying me off to dispatch youll be in for a big surprise! Get away from me! Heres your soup. Goodness youre all sweaty! Let me take your temperature again. Ill bet OTHER peoples best friends dont wait for them to get sick and weak.
Ive never been this high in a tree before. Me either you can see for miles from up here. Ill say! Im glad were up here. That was quite a crash wasnt it?
The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Lets go! Whats that? Its when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.
Calvin quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Werent you listening either?
Bang! Youre dead! No Im not you missed. I did not! You cheater! Im here talking to you arent I? Ok then ... bang! My what a miserable shot you are!
Hurry up Calvin our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? Were afraid he might eat someone. Lets go. Thats right you probably would wouldnt you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And youre going to walk it wise guy!
We think EVERY sport should be played cross-country.
A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Dont move and it wont sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.
Ok lets flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Lets do it again! Flush. I dont want to know what hes doing do you. No lets go check.
Ive had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.
Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me Oliver Twist to read and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and Sorority Row Horror is on cable tonight.
I got a helium balloon. Very nice. Im going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothings happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didnt hang on.
Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! Im done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.
Wow! Calvin suddenly finds himself on his own sheet of notebook paper! Fortunately Calvin has been doodling all morning. Heres a tank! Pleased by how well its rendered Calvin climbs in! The blue ruled guide lines are no match for the tanks heavy treads! Calvin roars across the page anywhere he wants! Theres the school! Calvin fires directly into Miss Wormwoods classroom! Kids dive out of the windows! Oh no! Miss Wormwood has come to put a stop to Calvins fun! He fires again and again but shes too big and mean! Hand it over Leonardo and see me after class. The arts are always the first to go in public schools.
Cmon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I dont want swimming lessons!! Too late. Lets go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No its not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry and until we do we smell funny.
I cant believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well look whos here!
Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! Im freezing already! Calvin do you know what a Rat Tail is? No. its when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
This water is freezing! Im going to go into shock and drown I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and shes going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok first were going to learn the deadmans float. Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.
I dont want to learn how to swim! I dont need to know how. Ill just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.
Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
Hi Calvin what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! Were doing great things. Were having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You dont know anything.
That stupid Calvin. Hes so mean. All I try to do is be friends and he treats me like Im nobody. Well who needs jerks like him anyway? I dont need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!
Susie Hobbes thought I was rude so Im sorry and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks Calvin. Thats really nice of you. Ok well play house now. Ill be the high-powered executive wife the tiger here can be my unemployed housekeeping husband and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea pea brain. Dont you talk to your father that way! Im off to wall street. Dont wait up.
The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! Im getting sick.
Whack! Tell me this isnt a spitball!!
Hobbes quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.
IM HO-OME! Ever notice how time slows down during a catastrophe? Sighhh... and good times are always over so fast.
Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But its not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
Making a sign? Im declaring the creek back in the woods Calvins creek. When you discover something youre allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didnt discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there right?
Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain Mom? No. why not? Youll get soaked. Whats wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia run up a terrible hospital bill linger a few months and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There arent any caves around here! You dont need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk!
Well dad off to work? Too bad Im on summer vacation so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more.
Hot day isnt it? Ill say. But its the humidity that really gets to me. You dont like it when its humid? Not at all. Then youd better get out quick.
Recess! A school day break for play and exercise. Little does Susie realize how much exercise she is about to get! She turns at the sound of running feet behind her... have her friends come to join her? NO! Its a pack of ferocious deinonychus dinosaurs!! Screaming Susie hurls herself towards the school doors but the pack is closing in! With the grim efficiency of wild dogs th epredators have a meal! Across the playground students huddle in stupefied horror! Which one of THEM will be next? Thus the weak and stupid are weeded out in a heartless but essential natural selection keeping the human population in check. ... At least thats how it OUGHT to be. Thank you for that tasteless and entirely uninformative report on overpopulation. See me after class. Ya like that Susie?
Whats for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow!
Hi Hobbes! Good heavens whats wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? Its worth a try ... Ill bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles.
Dont make faces at the table Calvin. I cant help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day and it just did. No it didnt. it did dad! Mom was right Im horribly disfigured for life. No you arent. but dont worry I wont spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!
Here comes Susie. Ha! Wont she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi Susie. Hi Calvin. What did you do get your head stuck in a blender? Its an improvement.
Are the coals hot? Yes theyre very hot Im just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? Ive got the most boring dad in the world.
With these snorkels we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish well be able to see! We can collect shells! Lets go! Well so far this has been a major disappointment.
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Add two eggs and stir. Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes so well each get ten. Nah thats too much trouble. Well just make one big pancake and cut it in half.
Dad I want a bedime story! Im busy Calvin Ill read you one tomorrow. If you dont read me a story I wont go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I dont like these stories with morals.
Dinners ready Calvin. Come to the table. Im watching television. No youre not! Yes I am. Im right here in front of it! No youre not! Oh thats right. Im at the table.
I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? Ive seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol turtle? Ha!
Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think youre a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold eh Tarzan?
The fearless Spaceman Spiff pilots his craft at speeds never before imagined! He discovers galaxies and planets never before charted! He courageously lands on alien worlds never before explored... ...bravely confronting space species never before encountered! Yes our hero the incredible Spaceman Spiff is a cosmic pioneer boldly facing the unknown in a universe of wild adventure! EWW! Ive never had this before! I wont eat it!
I think Im using too strong a sun screen.
Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. Weve been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh!
Youre on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. Thats not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours!
With a drink of magic elixir Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy as soon as you want something done around here that kids nowhere to be seen.
Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!?
Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin being your Dad is not an elected position. I dont have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I dont like the direction this conversation is taking.
This is my latest snow sculpture. Where? All of this! But you didnt do anything. Right. Art is dead! Theres nothing left to say. Style is exhausted and content is pointless. Art has no purpose. All thats left is commodity marketing. Consequently Im signing this landscape and you can own it for a million dollars. Sorry... it doesnt match my furniture. The problem with being avant-garde is knowing whos putting on who.
Hey Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No we had pizza last night and besides its too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh youd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If youd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.
Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right Im back already! Cant I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes Mom not me.
See any UFOs? Not yet. Well keep your eyes peeled. Theyre bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser.
Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh.
Calvin I dont want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isnt quite the same is it?
Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin drink your milk in little sips!
Some November this is. The leaves are down but theres now snow. Everything is just sitting around waiting for winter but nothing is happening. Cmon whats the big holdup?! Lets go up there! Bring on the snow! Sighh No efficiency. No accountability. I tell you Hobbes its a lousy way to run a universe. Whatever happend to the work ethic?
Pay up squirt. Forget it Moe. Im not giving you the money. In fact I dont even have any. Gee thats too bad. Oh wait yes I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary hes awfully persuasive.
Ok Hobbes heres the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me and when Moe comes to steal my money you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldnt do that! Sure you could! Whats wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well just chew him up and spit him out I dont care!!
If that bully is extorting money Im going to call the school and put an end to it. Dont do that! If Moe finds out I squealed Im a goner! This kid cant get away with stealing Calvin. Somebodys got to do something. Heres a list of what Im wearing. See you at the morgue.
Hey Twinkie heres the 2 cents I borrowed from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me and its gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think Ill use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
Hi Dad its me! Calvin is this important? Im very busy this morning. Ill make it fast Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye.
Ring Ring. Hello Calvin speaking. Id like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh Im sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyones day a little more surreal.
... sighhhh... Weve been out here half an hour and nobodys attacked our fort. We dont have enough enemies thats our problem. Were just too darn popular. Yeah everybody likes us because were so great. Its true. And of course Im a genius so people are naturally drawn to my fiery intellect. Their admiration overwhelms their envy. Actually I believe jungle cats are held in higher esteem whereas one can hardly take a kid out in public. Tigers add panache and savoir faire to any social occassion. Whaddaya MEAN kids cant go out in public?!? At least kids dont have FLEAS! Thats only because fleas cant stand the way kids SMELL! By golly youre asking for a snowball in the mouth! You cant threaten me! Ive got snowballs too! PIFF PAFF PEFF POOF PUFF You know maybe we dont NEED enemies. Yeah best friends are all I can take.
What are you doing? Being cool. You look more like youre being bored. The world bores you when youre cool.
Look I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be cool. A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people dont wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being cool if you cant wear a sombrero?
Im back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! Ill be cool in these boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You dont look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe Im new wave. Maybe youre just stupid.
Here comes Susie. Im going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow!
Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Lets play something else.
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm!
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With great effort Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote Help Im a bug on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.
Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks.
Whats this music? Its The 1812 Overture. I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!
Boy what a day! I went to school. Played outside and did my homework. Im exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh 7:35. Its Miller time. Get back here.
Psst ... Susie! Whats 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That cant be right ... thats what she said 3+4 was.
I just read this great science fiction story. Its about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines they control us? Pretty scary idea. Ill say hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!
Mm this dinner you fixed is delicious honey. What is it? Its dog food. And dont call me honey. You cant feed me DOG food! Im the President of the United States! No youre the President of the Deluded Fruitcakes Anonymous! Give me a break! Youre just mad because youre the First Husband and you have to vacuum the White House all day! I DO NOT! In fact Im not your husband at all! What are you doing?! Stop being such a little weirdo! Me WONGA-TAA king of the jungle! Oh nice underpants! Youre really gross. Me off to jungle! Find tiger friend! Live with animals! I can run the country better without you! Good riddance you moron! It take one to know one! Boy am I glad to see YOU. Playing with Susie is a big waste of time. You wouldnt believe the junk she can imagine. Nice underpants. What do you mean Calvin left his clothes with Susie??
Tomorrow were going to discuss current events in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article read it to the class and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone. Actually theres not much left to explain.
Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. Its going to be unpleasant around here!
Calvin how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is youve got no common sense. Ive got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
I dont understand this business about death. If were just going to die. Whats the point of living? Well theres seafood. I dont know why I even talk to you before dinner.
Ive decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well youll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No I wont you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it.
The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine whats going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy my lunch box seems light.
What an awful job! This is the worst! Well somebodys got to do it. HEADS UP! BLORRP! Eeww! Whats THIS?! Ugh who can tell? KEEP STIRRING!! Oh no! Its bubbling up! AIEE! Chemical reaction!! LOOK OUT! RUN! RUN! ITS GONNA BLOW! FOOM! BU-URRRPP!
As you can see Spaceman Spiff we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero captured by Zorkons eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. Whats this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
Wheres my jacket? Its right on the floor where you left it. Its still on the floor? Why didnt you put it away? Gee my own copy of the emancipation proclamation.
Look I can make shadows on the wall heres a dog. Hey thats good! Heres a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!
Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Whyd you hold it in? Im trying to blow my shoes off.
It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. Thats amazing. When I was four I think I was toilet trained.
Im done with my homework! Im going outside to play! Ive got my jacket! Im leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
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Moms not feeling well. So Im making here a Get Well card. Thats thoughtful of you. See on the front it says Get Well Soon. And on the inside it says Because my bed isnt made my clothes need to be put away and Im hungry. Love Calvin. Want to sign it? Sure. Im hungry too.
Hi Mom! Since youre sick. Im bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better.
Since your Moms sick. Ill be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasnt there so she wouldnt know. Get the syrup out will you?
Sometimes when Im sick you read me a story want me to read you one? No thanks Calvin. I just want to rest. Its hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!
Whats wrong with your Mom do you know? No she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You dont suppose shes going to have a baby do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? Shes already got me! Yes. Youd think shed have learned her lesson ...
I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby and he said not that he knew of. Dad said wed know if mom was having a kid because shed look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... thats when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents.
KAZAM! KAZAM! Quiet. What did I just tell you?! Calvin if youre bored Ill find something for you to do! KAZAM!
Want to trade sandwiches Calvin? No Ive got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh gross. Thats not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker its good. Forget it. I dont even want my own lunch anymore. You dont? what kind of cookies are those?
How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I shouldve guessed. Dear if you dont know the answer. Just tell him!
Its hard to believe people still starve in this world. Theres even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy I know what thats like! No you dont.
The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!
Look Hobbes you get a plastic trinket in boxes of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs! It says Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors. Yeah but Mom says she wont buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldnt take more than a couple of hours right? I dunno after five bowls I get pretty wired.
I wish Santa would publish the guidelines he uses for determining a kids goodness. For example how much does he weigh motives? Does he consider the kids natural predisposition? I mean if some sickeningly wholesome nerd LIKES being good its EASY for him to meet the standards! Theres no challenge! Heck anyone can be good if he WANTS to be! The true test of ones mettle is being good when one has an innate inclination towards evil. I think one good act by ME even if its just to get presents should count as FIVE good acts by some sweet-tempered kid motivated by the pureness of his heart dont you? HEY SUSIE! POW! Of course in your case the question is academic. I wanted to put a rock in the snowball but I didnt! That should be worth a lot!
Calvin your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So youll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and shes the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyns fine. Fine?? shes a barracuda in a high school senior suit! Im as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. Wed be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Heres a notepad and pencil. Oh boy blackmail! Right get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
Were going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! Its not even 6 oclock!
I cant believe our baby sitter put us to bed! Its not even dark out! Well she can put us to bed but she cant make us sleep. You play the horn and Ill accompany on tom-tom. Calvin I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean the basement? Shhh!
Rosalyn were going to be a little later than we expected so I thought Id better call you. Thats fine. Calvin went to bed early so Im just holding down the fort. Whos on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before its too late! Help! Help! No thats just the tv. Ill see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play.
Sorry were late Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? Im not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness youre home! Has he been this way all night? Well his voice gave out about 11 oclock but it seems to be If shes still here dont pay her! Give her a little extra will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuitions are up.
Everybody makes the wrong kind of New Years resolution. All they do is promise to stop bad habits and start good habits. Whats wrong with that? Its not enough to change a few little habits! Everybody I know needs a complete personality overhaul! Thats why Ill be spending the remaining days of this year telling people what I hate about them and how they should change. Some of us would be happy to reciprocate. Sorry. MY New Years resolution is not to change a bit.
What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ...
Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure youre not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!
Im home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. Hows that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish youd just buy me one of those I missed you cards.
Ive got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half and now Im drawing dots on each end. Ill just put one over each eye and it will look like Im really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. Im over here.
Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right Ill keep that in mind. I hope youre reading the Help Wanted Section.
Look I got a letter Im supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. Its a chain letter. It says A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald. Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. ... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer.
Its a new year... a new beginning! New possibilities! This snowman represents the spirit of the new year. Looking ahead he strides forward with confidence and determination! He challenges! He imagines! He invents! He calls forth the best qualities of the human drive and ingenuity! Very inspiring. Thanks you. ... and over here is the REAL world? Right. This is why were always glad when the old year is over.
I spelled Be how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My this game does teach new words! See I spelled zygomorphic on a triple word score box. Thats 150 points. All Ive got is consonants. Your turn. Well if I use your letter I I can spell in. Thats 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your n I can spell nucleoplasm thats lets see 40 points. All Ive got is consonants. Im not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Lets play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok I bet a nickel. Ill see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. Its ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin this had better not be you.
Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. Well see about that. Get back here.
This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Lets ask it which of us is smarter. Ok go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! Its heading for the H! Ha! Its obviously trying to (mmf) go to C you cheater!
Lets ask the Ouija board another question. Ok Ive got one. Oh great Ouija board will I grow up to be president? Its moving! G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D When I want an editorial Ill ask for it you stupid board!
How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to lifes mysteries? Lets ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? Its moving! Its moving! Whats it say? 3 You know I didnt ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
Glogga muck bluh Spiff! Spiff chug wunka! We join our hero the courageous Spaceman Spiff as he is pursued across the galaxy by hostile aliens! A bolt of Explode-o-Ray explodes behind him! The aliens are closing in! Spiff punches the accelerator and dives towards the mysterious world below! Blasting low over the planets surface at near light speed our hero is horrified to discover the aliens are still on his trail! Spiff has but one desperate chance! He flies through a tight arch hoping the aliens will crash as they follow! Zounds! The ol battleship is surprisingly maneuverable! Dont call me that! And you are going to bed if I have to chase you all night!
Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. Its unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on its passengers at the slightest bump. Note too the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
Boy is it cold! Cant we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. Ill just crank it up to 75 ok? I said dont touch it. Gee my hands are so numb I cant move the switch. Guess Ill put on a sweater.
Ooh. You look cold Calvin! Theres a fire made. Why dont you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after youve been out in the cold. Of course some people say why bother going outside first?
Calvin I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You dont need to tell me all the time!
Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh yes. Lots.
Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
MOOOO MOOO MOOO WHOOSH KACHUNK CHUG CHUG SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK CLANG CLANG wizz wirp boingg boingg AWKK! Hello! Hello! GAAAA GGHHH BONK BONK GASP GASP. Boy am I glad to see YOU Hobbes! Another typical school day?
Watcha doin? Im writing my autobiography. But youre just six years old. Ive only got one sheet of paper.
Hi Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. Its very good. You like it? Sure I think its ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
Mom was I adopted? No why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! Youre not just fattening me up to eat me are you? Good heavens Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? Thats right. Ridiculous ideas she called them. Oh sure you think your moms going to tell you?
Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
Go ahead down. Youll miss all those trees. You can do it. Youll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You wont go into that pond. Besides the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
Im thirsty. AAAUGH. Sleepwalking! Nightmare! Homicidal psycho jungle cat! Hee hee hee! You shouldve seen the look on your face! If Mom and Dad cared about me at ALL theyd buy me some infra-red nighttime vision goggles.
Whats the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know our grades. Grades? Were being graded? Of course dummy. What did you think? Dont we even get a few practice semesters?
I brought my report card home dad. Well! Lets see it! Remember how you once told me it didnt matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as homework time. I dont think thats fair! If it doesnt take that long to do why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah can I help it Im so fast?
Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuffs impossible to work with. Thanks. Ive got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet but it sort of squashed so now I think its a bowl. Mmm thats very good. Yeah Im real pleased with it.
Uh oh. Theres a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere tell him its almost time for dinner. Id invite you but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
Lets go Calvin. Time for your bath. Im not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
GAAAA. It is 0701 hours. You are late. Extra soap today robot three. Mom out. Extra soap affirmative. Attention kitchen. Calvin arriving in turbo chute 4. Clear receiving pad. Ive got a moon meeting today. Ill be home for diner if the shuttle isnt late. Have a good day. See you tonight. Calvin youre going to be late for school! Put on your jacket! Why are you just standing there? Calvin? Calvin?? Honestly! Would you please try to stay in the PRESENT?! Sighhh...
When a kid grows up he has to BE something. He cant just stay the way he is. But a tiger grows up and stays a tiger. Why is that? No room for improvement. Of all the luck my parents had to be humans. Dont take it too hard. Humans provide some very important protein.
Its no surprise to ME that nobodys sold a house on this street for six years.
I try to make television-watching a complete forfeiture of experience. Notice how I keep my jaw slack so my mouth hands open. I try not to swallow either so I drool and I keep my eyes half-focused so I dont use any muscles at all. I take a passive entertainment and extend the passivity to my entire being. I wallow in my lack of participation and response. Im utterly inert. Im going to leave before you start attracting flies. I can almost feel my neural transmitters shutting down.
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HELP HELP! MY HEAD SOMEHOW GOT TWISTED COMPLETELY AROUND! IM FACING BACKWARD! LOOK I CAN READ THE TAG ON MY SHIRT! I CAN SEE DOWN MY OWN BACK! ... Oh wait. Theres my belly button. I must have my SHIRT on backward. Never mind. Ive got my head on straight after all. Oh I wouldnt go THAT far.
OH SURE! NICE TRY! Darn darn darn darn darn!
Today is Valentines Day. SO WHAT?! WHO CARES?! NOW ME! Whos your valentine THIS year?? NOBODY! Is it SUSIE?? NO! Ill bet she IS! Ill be your heart beats faster at the sound of her name! Ahh how you long to gaze deep into her shimmering eyes!! WHAT?! Your cheeks are flushed! Your chin quivers to imagine her soft warm lips pressed against yours! Oh to be locked for an eternity in a passionate embrace with sweet sweet Susie! TAKE IT BACK! Can I be Best Tiger? TAKE IT BACK! Have you picked out a ring yet? TAKE IT BACK! Wheres the honeymoon? Hey Calvin! Huh?? You jerk! This is for sending me a Valentine card with a drawing of me as a worm-eaten corpse! Oh HO-O-O! You sent her a CARD?? Doctor Love paging Doctor I.M.N. Love! Id say were about due for another Saint Valentines Day massacre.
Arent you supposed to be doing your homework now? I quit doing homework. Homework is bad for my self-esteem. It is Sure! It sends the message that I dont know enough! All that emphasis on right answers makes me feel bad when I get them wrong. So instead of trying to learn Im just concentrating on liking myself the way I am. Your self-esteem is enhanced by remaining an ignoramus? Please! Lets call it informationally impaired.
See Hobbes we shouldnt need accomplishments to feel good about ourselves. Self-esteem shouldnt be conditional. Thats why Ive stopped doing homework. I dont need to learn things to like myself. Im fine the way I am. So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where theyre already met? Right. We should take PRIDE in our mediocrity. Remind me to invest overseas. I think this snowman is good enough dont you?
Look Dad made me do my homework. He said when Im older Ill discover that there are few pleasures greater than learning. So I said FINE Ill learn when Im older. What did HE say? He said if I didnt start cracking books NOW this would be as old as Id get. Sounds like you learned something already.
Mom and Dad drive me crazy. They dont understand ME and I dont understand THEM. Its hopeless! Im related to people I dont relate to.
Here we stand peering down the dizzying depths of doom drop! Do we turn around and retreat to the stupefying security of home and hearth? OR do we brave the descent risk demise and experience the flood of somatic sensation that screams we are alive gloriously alive however temporarily?? ... Hobbes? I thought the question was rhetorical. The other way though!
Heres the latest poll on your standing as Dad. Wonderful. The good news is that you have a high name-recognition factor. All the household six-year-olds polled were able to identify you as Dad. This recognition however is liked to the fact that your policies are universally deplored. Theres talk of voting you out of office and making Mom Dad. I see. And what do YOU know about this? My first act will be to make you do the cooking. Whoa! That changes everything.
15 bucks a glass?! Thats right! Want some? How do you justify charging 15 dollars? Supply and demand. Wheres the demand?! I dont see any demand! Theres LOTs of demand! Yeah? Sure! As the sole stockholder in this enterprise I DEMAND monstrous profit on my investment! And as President and CEO of the company I DEMAND an exorbitant annual salary. And as my own employee I DEMAND a high hourly wage and all sorts of company benefits! And THEN theres overhead and actual production costs! But it looks like you just threw a lemon in some sludge water! Well I have to cut expenses SOMEwhere if I want to stay competitive. What if I got sick from that? Caveat Emptor is the motto we stand behind! Id have to charge more to follow health and environment regulations. Youre out of your mind. Im going home to drink something else. Sure! Put me out of a job! Its you anti-business types who ruin the economy! I need to be subsidized.
Dads calling you. He wasnt? Huh! Well Hobbes took your chair. Sorry. I like my chairs pre-warmed. You ow me.
He knows I hate this.
This is my snow sculpture Bourgeois Buffoon. Can you believe Mom rejected my grant application to continue making these? Why do you need a grant? Im on the cutting edge of art! My work deserves public support! What if the public doesnt like your work? Theyre not SUPPOSED to like it! This is avante-garde stuff! Im criticizing the lowbrows who cant appreciate great art like this! But youll take their money. What do you want me to do suffer?!
This snowman doesnt look especially avant-garde. Actually its VERY avant-garde. This is my new art movement neo-regionalism. Im appealing to popular nostalgia for the simple values of rural america 50 years ago. I figure the public will eat this up and Ill make a fortune. So how is this avant-garde? Its secretly ironic.
Ive concluded that nothing bad I do is my fault. Oh? Right! Being young and impressionable Im the helpless victim of countless bad influences! An unwholesome culture panders to my undeveloped values and pushes me to maleficence. I take no responsibility for my behavior! Im an innocent pawn! Its societys fault! Then you need to build more character. Go shovel the walk. These discussions never go where theyre supposed to.
I see you with that snowball! Go ahead and throw it! Im not scared! You couldnt hit the side of a barn! Cmon throw it! I dare you! POW!! Seriously you could never have done that if my taunts hadnt boosted your adrenalin. I can find only one of your socks.
At 35000 feet the engines of Flight 430 explode for no reason! With plumes of dense smoke trailing from the wings the giant aircraft plummets out of control! Meanwhile a 50 car freight train hits a penny on the rail at 80 miles an hour and jumps the tracks dragging half a million tons of metal into the air behind it! In a freak coincidence both the jet and the train are converging on ONE SPOT.... where tectonic plates in the earths crus have just begun to shift! That spot is the house of farmer Brown who at this moment is unaware of a gas leak as he attempts to light his stove! As he strikes the match he casually glances out the kitchen window. His eye twitches involuntarily. Cant we play something else?
I read that Teddy Roosevelt once said Do what you can with what you have where you are. Thats good advice. Of course I doubt he was in the tub when he said that.
Shovel the walk! Shovel the walk! Thats all Im good for around here. What about my powerful intellect?! My budding genius is being squandered! I aspire to be more than brute slave labor! These hands! These amazing hands are destined to create unreamt-of wonders yet here theyre worn to the bone in unfulfilling drudgery! What a monstrous injustice! Geez dont tell me lunch isnt ready!
DING DONG You really need professional help. What makes you think I did it??
Whats wrong with Easter Island? I LIKE Easter Island.
Hello is this the hardware sotre? Yes Im wondering if you sell catapults. No?? Well Im looking for something that can deliver a 50-pound payload of snow on a small feminine target. Can you suggest something? Hello? I dont understand how some of these places stay in business.
I dont think you have enough to do.
It all boils down to luck Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way theres nothing you can do about it. You cant fight luck. Were headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! bye. See what I meen?! You go along minding your own business and suddenly your luck runs out. If youre-OW-unlucky what can you do? OW! Youre condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
It all boils down to luck Hobbes. Some people are born lucky and some people are born Unlucky. Either way theres nothing you can do about it. You cant fight luck. Were headed for that cliff! YIKES! Bad luck! bye. See what I meen?! You go along minding your own business and suddenly your luck runs out. If youre-OW-unlucky what can you do? OW! Youre condemned to suffer! OW! Ooh right in the pricker bushes. ...just like yesterday. Maybe my luck will change tomorrow.
If there are no questions well move on to the next chapter. I have a question. Certainly Calvin. What is it? Whats the point of human existence? I meant any questions about the subject at hand. Oh. Frankly Id like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.
Ewww. Ewwww. Ewwwwww. EWWWWWW!
Where ARE those darn boots?
Put on some nice clothes and lets go for a stroll!
It couldnt be avoided.
Hi Mom! Ha ha! Im up! Im up! HEY! Get back in bed! I mean it Calvin! Its too late for this nonsense! Wheeee! Im gonna watch TV! Ha ha ha! Calvin stop this! You go straight to bed! NO! Youre in big trouble young man! Youll never catch me! GOTCHA! WAAUGH! I dont WANNA go to bed! I wanna stay UP! Put me down! Let go! Im not tired! AAAAAA! Mom has to EARN a nights respite from me.
rrRumRumm beep beep - rrrrrr rrummm - aughh! - I dont understand why you have to take your clothes off to play cars. Its very weird. Just give em here. Ok?
What time is it? Go look at the clock and see. Whats the weather outside like today? Go step outside and see. How fast can our car go? Go... ...nice try. Phooey.
The problem with rocknroll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends its still rebellious with its video posturing but who believes it? The stars are 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The revolution is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately Ive found some protest music for TODAYs youth! This stuff really offends Mom and Dad! Easy-listening muzak? I play it real quiet too.
I dont want to go to school! Id rather do ANYTHING than go to school! OK how about if I go to school and YOU get a job? Youll like working till evening and being responsible for the subsistence of your family with a whiny kids griping for reward. Its nice to know theres so much in life to look forward to.
I dont want to pay any dues in life. I want to be a one-in-a-million overnight success! I want the world handed to me on a silver platter! Good luck. SURELY YOU CONCEDE I DESERVE IT!
*snap* AUGH! Oops! Instinct kicked in before I knew that was you. YOU KNEW DARN WELL THAT WAS ME!
...BLECCHH... ! EEP! YIKES! HELLP!! WAAUGH! UGHH URGLE GACKKH ORG PLUTCH SPLUTCH BLUTCH URRRPP THPPTHH. Uggh how revolting. At least it worked. Lets dance! Darling! YOURE TRYING TO KILL ME WITH THIS STUFF ARENT YOU?! JUST ADMIT IT!! If you dont like it dont eat it. But Im not fixing you something different.
I wish I was still in bed. Id hear the wind bowling the rain against the window panes and Id pull the blankets up get all toasty and cozy and fall back asleep. Instead Im out here cold and wet waiting for the school bus to take me to the gulag. Yeah I hope the sheets are still warm when I get back in. Rub it in Hobbes.
Hey Dad look at this commercial. How come you dont drive a cool sports car like that guy? That car costs $40000. And look at the babe hes with. How come Mom doesnt dress like that? Yeah why DONT you dress like that? Because your adolescent fantasies require an adolescent model with implants ... HONEY. Maybe you guys need to drink more beer.
Mom can I have some money to buy a satan-worshiping suicide-advocating heavy metal album? Calvin the fact that these abnds havent killed themselves in ritual self-sacrifice shows that theyre just in it for the money like everyone else. Its all for effect. If you want to shock and provoke be sincere about it. Mainstream commercial nihilism cant be trusted?! fraid not kiddo. Childhood is so disillusioning.
People dont realize what a burden it is being a genius like me. Its not easy having a mind that operates on a higher plane than everyone elses! People just refuse to see that Im the crux of all history a boy of destiny! I suppose one could recognize a boy of destiny by his planet-and-star underpants. Another trenchant comment by a jealous lesser intellect.
Mom from now on I dont want to be introduced to people as plain Calvin. I want to be introduced as Calvin boy of destiny. Boy of destiny?? But you have to say it right. Pause a little after boy and say destiny a bit slower and deeper for emphasis. Sai it Boy... of DESSSTINY like that! I think Im going to stop introducing you altogether. I wish you had some cymbals to crash after you said it.
Heres your paper Susie. Very good. Here is yours Calvin. By the way you can stop signing your work Calvin boy of destiny and I think your time would be better spend studying than drawing official notary seals at the bottom. Boy of destiny?! Thats right. Boy of destiny! Everyone I know thinks your destiny is a private cage in the primate house. YOUR destiny is to have a smile thats all gums.
Wow! A dime! BONK! MMF OOF. He would just love me to believe that somersault was intentional and innocent.
SMASH ping ping ping kritch krunch. Hes a tricky devil but Ill get him sooner or later! Apparantly I rate just below BUGS with her! And she complains you dont help out around the house.
Wimp! Oh... OH YEAH?? What REALLY bugs me is knowing Ill probably come up with a much sharper retort sometime tonight.
Calvin can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? No but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalms thermo-nuclear league of libery. See me after class Calvin. Im not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
Did you even read the history chapter I assigned? I tried to Miss Wormwood. But the book publisher didnt use the proper print fixative. Needless to say when I picked up the book all the letters slid off the pages and fell on the floor in a heap of gibberish. I think my excuses need to be less extemporaenous.
County library? Reference desk please? Hello? Yes I need a word definition. Well thats the problem. I dont know how to spell it and Im not allowed to say it. Could you just rattle off all the swear words you know and Ill stop you when... hello? See if I ever vote for their tax levies.
I dont need a bath! I can stay clean without one! Look Ill LICK myself clean! Thats what Hobbes does! See Im getting clean just like him! Nice going.
That certainly was a grim spectacle. I LIKE breakfast on the run. But Mom its their NATURE! Why cant you eat at the table like a civilized human being?!
You have a question Calvin? Yes! What assurance do I have that this education is adequately preparing me for the 21st century? Am I getting the skills Ill need to effectively compete in a tough global economy? I want a high-paying job when I get out of here! I want opportunity! In that case young man I suggest you start working harder. What you get out of school depends on what you put into it. Oh. Then forget it.
Whatcha doing? Dad wants to mow the lawn so hes making me pick up sticks. He said I might learn something about the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. And did you? I suppose so. I think hes trying to tell me there is none.
My tiger is deep in somnolent sleep dreaming of chases remembered! His keen eyes are glinting! He dreams of a sprinting Sambar wholl soon be dismembered! Hmmmmmmm
This article says that by age six most children have watched 5000 hours of TV - a quarter of their waking lives! I havent watched that much! Think of all the great shows Ive missed! Ive been deprived of cultural references! Im ignorant of countless amazing products! Hurry! If I watch TV until bedtime I can get in a few precious extra hours and catch up a bit! Remedial vegetation. Help me learn this theme song OK?
I think our newspaper needs a new advice columnist so Im applying for the job. See Ive written some sample answers to people who write in. Stop whining and get a life bozo. Dont tell ME your stupid problems. Ive got plenty of my own. Go soak your head you big baby. Want some advice? Drop dead. I guess that covers about everything. Can you imagine doing this for MONEY? What a racket!
Who ees thees Kahlveen?
Oh man there goes the game! What a dumb sport. I hate baseball. Whats the use of trying? I havent started around the ba-ases yet! Huh? La de da da! Im walkinnnngg! Oh look at the pretty flower! I think Ill stop and smell it! Uh oh! My shoes untied! Better have a seat and tie it! Now Im hopping backwards! Look at me! Im crawling! Im a tiny little inchworm moving an inch at a time! Inchy-squinchy! Inchy-squinchy! AAAIEEE Whoop! Too late! Home run! Stitches for Hobbes bandages for you... how on earth do you DO this to yourself? Dont feel sorry for HIM! He -ow- DESERVED it!
Do you believe in the devil? You know a supreme evil being dedicated to the temptation corruption and destruction of man? Im not sure man needs the help. You just cant talk to animals about these things.
Whats this? Try it. Whats in here? Grubs?? Try it. That means Im going to hate it right? JUST TRY IT! Shes mad because I broke her code.
If Ive learned one thing in life its that everyone has his price. Raise the ante high enough and theres no such thing as scruples! People will do ANYthing if the price is right! Whats YOUR price? Two bucks cold cash up front. I dont know which is worse... that everyone has his price or that the price is always so low. Id make mine higher but its hard to find buyers as it is.
Whatcha doin Dad? Im busy trying to fix something. Why bother? On the rare occasions when you know what the problem is you usually make it worse and hurt yourself in the process! I wish Id noticed the bandage on his hand before I said that.
Im going on a bike ride. Whats so funny? Nothing. Have a good time. Look I didnt design this outfit! Its PRACTICAL! Hey Dad howd you get your head stuck in a bowling ball? Ha! Next time Ill squirt them both with my water bottle.
Tigers have no ambition no drive! They dont accomplish anything! How do you justify yourself?!
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Ive decided to believe in astrology and horoscopes. Really? You bet. It only makes sense that every facet of our daily lives should depend upon the position of celestial bodies hundreds of millions of miles away. Look here. Today Ill have many key policies implemented. I get to have my way! Oh those mischievous planets. The newspaper couldnt print it if it werent true!
My horoscope says Turnabout means circumstances in your favour. Assert views in a confident manner. Lunar cycle high many of your key policies will be implemented. Isnt that great? Today Im fated to get my way! The heavens decree it! So what are your key policies? First obviously is Dont do homework. Cmon lets go out and play! Here comes your Mom and it looks like she has a bone to pick with the moon. Ha! Watch me assert my views in a confident manner!
Your Mom didnt care much about the lunar sanction of your no-homework policy did she? Hmph. Well my horoscope said Many key policies will be implement. Not ALL of them. Besides it says to expect a turnabout in my favor. Mom will relent next time for sure. What are your other key policies then? No baths stay up late dont go to school... THESE are the ones that will be implemented. Maybe the astrologer was looking through the wrong end of the telescope. Cmon moon do your stuff!
I thought I told you to take your bath. Sorry Mom. You have no say in this. Youre in for a big surprise buster. Circumstances are going to turn in my favor! Thats what my horosscope says! All human affairs are determined by stars and planets and today they say my key policies will be implemented. That means no bath and no bedtime! By golly its not good to thwart the intentions of the universe! Fate just isnt what it used to be.
I dont understand this! Not a single part of my horoscope came true! My policies werent implemented and circumstances didnt turn in my favor! Just the opposite in fact! What went wrong?! I thought this stuff was based on planets and stars! How could those be misread? What kind of science IS this?! Im sure any scientist would give you a categorical answer. Maybe tomorrows horoscope will run a correction and apology.
Did todays horoscope print a retraction of yesterdays prediction? No theres just a new one for today. Whats it say? Yours says Popularity zooms upward. New encounters pay big dividends. Hmm thats good. Wait it goes on. Emphasize romance. Opposite sex finds you irresistible. Lucky day for love. OH NO! I bet I know what the big dividends are! Woo woo woo!
Whatcha doin? Getting rich! Really? Yep. Im writing a self-help book! Theres a huge market for this stuff. First you convince people theres something wrong with them. Thats easy because advertising has already conditioned people to feel more insecure about their weight looks social status sex appeal and so on. Next you convince them that the problem is not their fault and that theyre victims of larger forces. Thats easy because its what people believe anyway. Nobody wants to be responsible for his own situation. Finally you convince them that with your expert advice and encouragement they can conquer their problem and be happy! Ingenious. What problem will YOU help people solve? Their addiction to self-help books! My book is called Shut Up And Stop Whining: How To Do Something With Your Life Besides Think About Yourself. You probably should wait for the advance before you buy anything. The trouble is... if my program works I wont be able to write a sequel.
Dont make me go to school! Please dont make me! Help! Leggo! Ow! Stop! You dont understand! My horoscope says Im irresistible to girls today! Im too popular! Im going to get big dividends! Augghhh! What if Susie kisses me?! I dont want romance! I hate Susie! Call me in sick! Help! Dear I got him! Grab his feet while I pry his fingers loose! PUH-LEEZE!! I wonder what it would cost to rent a place in town.
Maybe todays horoscope wont come true. I dont WANT a lucky day for love! Opposite sex finds you irresistible. Hee hee hee! I dont believe in astrology any more! Its all phony! Yeah thats right! Much smoochies! Mm-mm! Yow wow! Stop it! Yesterdays predictions didnt come true so Im sure todays wont either! Im not worried! Whens the wedding?? Should I wear my spats?? In a minute youll be wearing a BODY CAST! TRY it lover boy! Well see how you kiss girls with a fat lip!
Take it back! Im never getting married! Never! Love em and leave em eh? You rake! That does it! Im gonna knock you into next week! Wait! Wait! Susies coming! What? She is? AUGH! She IS! Ive got to discourage romance! You cant! Smoldering passion is your fate! Gosh Calvin the dirt covering your features is a big improvement. Oh no its true! Im a love magnet!
Stay away Susie! I dont want any big dividends got it? Dont listen to Hobbes! What? The stars and the planets are doing this! I cant help it! My aura is uncontrollable! What? Its the bus! The bus is here! Whee! Im safe! You cant do anything now! Ha ha! Im off to school! Hoorayy! What? The way Calvins brain is wired you can almost hear the fuses blowing.
So Susie didnt kiss you today? Nope! In fact I put a worm in her hair she knocked me down and kicked me in the shins! That doesnt sound like zooming popularity. Nope! My horoscope was completely wrong again! The planets obviously have no influence on me! What a relief to know my life isnt controlled by outside forces! Im the master of my own fate! ... to a point of course. The paper should print MOMs daily predictions. THOSE sure come true.
Ive been thinking about this astrology stuff. Everyone wants to know what the future holds but you just have to wait till it happens. So really the best preparation for the future is to take the present and ... WHOOP! AAUGHH! ... think about what youre doing? No get yourself a good luck charm. Man here comes ANOTHER bath!
HELP HELP ACK OFF MMF! UMF GAKK RRRGGH Grrrr YIPE! WAAAA! SCREEECH NNNG AAAAAAAAAAAA. Thanks for the helmet Dad. Do they sell long-range offensive weapons? Looks like youve been building some character!
Hey Mom can I get some plastic surgery? All the celebrities do it! Honey celebrities need the fat sucked out of their brains not their bottoms. What on earth do you want changed? Youre fine the way you are! I want another eye put in my forehead.
I think we need a new policy in this house. And whats that? From now on whenever you tell me things I dont want to hear any reasons explanations subtlety or context. I just want ten-second sound bites OK? So much for THAT policy.
For school were supposed to write a paragraph about what our Dads do. Dad: the paragraph. Catchy title huh? What does my Dad do? Mostly he gets on my nerves. The end. You may get a point for succinctness. Well what else is there to say?!
Bad news Dad. The character issue is killing you in the polls. WHAT character issue?! Ive got GREAT character! Ive got character up to here! Thats what we hate. My only flaw is a preternatural intolerence of pesky kids.
Paul Gauguin asked Whence do we come? What are we? Where are we going? Well I dont know about anyone else but I came from my room Im a kid with big plans and Im going outside! See ya later! Say who the heck is Paul Gauguin anyway?
Look at THIS Dad! Ive got five dollars in here! Im rich! Ive been saving my change for weeks and weeks and look how much Ive got! Guess what Im going to do with it! Open a savings account? Ill bet I know why you guys dont get invited to parties. Every time you make a deposit you can think Oh boy another two minutes at college.
I love summer! Three whole months with no responsibilities! Theres nothing we have to do! They say idle hands are the devils workshop. I resent that! We work darn hard at this.
My gum has lost its flavor. When that happens I dont spit it out. I just add a new piece. After a few packs its like chewing a big soggy sock! My jaws ache and I cant close my lips so I wheeze through my open mouth and drool! An orifice is an amusing thing all right. Ith funny how you neffa thee gwown-upth do thith.
Oh boy the new issue of Chewing! You get a magazine? Wow this looks great! Special sugarless gum issue - hcoosing an artificial sweetener thats right for YOU... Tongue exercises for bigger bubbles... Rad fashion kneepads for walking and chewing... PLUS an interview with Bazooka Joe! See its all target marketing! Advertisers dont waste their time on mass audiences any more. They find your special interest and they nail you! As if advertising wasnt intrusive enough before. Ooh the 92 spearmints are out! I gotta get to a store!
I cant believe theres a magazine for gum chewers. Heck there must be a DOZEN such magazines. Each appeals to a different faction. Chewing is high-gloss literate and sophisticated. Gum Action goes for the gonzo chewers. Chewers Illustrated aims at the vintage gum collectors and so on! Each one encourages you to think you belong to an elite clique so advertisers can appeal to your ego and get you to cultivate an image that sets you apart from the crowd. Its the divide and conquer trick. I wonder whatever happened to the melting pot. Theres no money in it.
Heres an interesting article. The top five gum brands are compared in terms of flavor retention elasticity bubble capacity and chewing rebound. The computer graph shows the results compensating for various saliva acidities. If you know your pH this really helps you choose the proper gum for your chewing style. What kind of nut would CARE about all this?! EVERYONE! This is hard data! It lets you quantify your enjoyment! I thought fun was supposed be FUN. Well I prefer to trust the experts.
Heres an ad for a new gum called Hyperbubble and it says If youre not chewing Hyperbubble you might as well be chewing cud. Ooh great copy! Gosh am I cool enough to chew Hyperbubble? Maybe Im NOT! Maybe if you chew Hyperbubble you BECOME cool! Or maybe if you chew it everyone ASSUMES youre cool is it doesnt matter if you are or not! What do you think? Should I buy some? If your emotional security depends on satisfying a need you didnt have until you read the ad go ahead. I think I will! Boy Im glad I get this magazine!
YAHHH! RRGGHH munch munch munch. Youre right. Food DOES taste better this way.
The fearless Spaceman Spiff descends toward the mysterious planet below! Our heros bizarrotron indicates the presence of aliens! Spiff sets out to investigate! Crouching behind a boulder our hero hears alien voices... talking about HIM! BLORG GABLORD SPIFF! HA HA! Spiff bursts into the open death ray blaster blansting! Ill give you something to talk about! he yells! Excuse me a moment. Back in the darkness of outer space Spiff reflects on his one miscalculation. Our hero resolves to revisit the planet THIS time with more ammo! No sleep tonight I see.
As I the maniacal tyrant look down upon my mathetic subjects... I reflect on how their puny lives mean nothing to me except as the brute labor necessary to execute my mad designs! My lunatic whims are their laws! Ha ha ha! I thought I told you to gather the trash. Being a parent must be nice.
Outta my way Twinky. A person cant be a doormat unless he allows himself to be one! I refuse to budge! SHOVE. Ack! Off! Ugh! Ive got to stop reading those dumb advice columns.
RINGG RINNG. Hello we are unable to come to the phone right now... please leave a message at the sound of the click. *CLICK*
Most people just muddle through their lives! Theyre passive and unmotivated! They lack ambition and drive! Not ME though! Im going to have an EPIC life! Im going to wrestle the issue of the age and change the course of history! How are you going to do that? Im going to sit here and wait so opportunity will know where to find me when its time to change the world. I wish Id brought a book to read. Naah itll be any minute now.
Our country was founded a very long time ago roughly around 200 B.C. 200 B.C.?! Before Calvin. THATS WHATS IMPORTANT!
Calvin I spent over an hour fixing this! At least TRY it! I saw what went in it! Im not touching it!
When I grow up Im not going to read the newspaper and Im not going to follow complex issues and Im not going to vote. That way I can complain that the government doesnt represent me. Then when everything goes down the tubes I can say the system doesnt work and justify my further lack of participation. An ingeniously self-fulfilling plan. Its a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
Aw gee did the darn ol sun move some MORE?? Oh hush.
This is the worst assignment ever! Im supposed to think up a story write it and illustrate it by tomorrow! Do I look like a novelist?! This is impossible! I cant tell stories! What about your explanation of the noodle incident? THAT WASNT A STORY! THAT WAS THE UNVARNISHED TRUTH! Oh dont be so modest. You deserved a Pulitzer.
Do you have an idea for your story yet? No Im waiting for inspiration. You cant just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.
If you ask ME these assignments dont teach you how to write. They teach you how to HATE to write. Deadlines rules how to do it grades... how can you be creating when someones breathing down your neck? I guess you should try not to think about the end result too much and just have fun with the process of creating. Every time I do that I end up in the school psychologists office. Well maybe not THAT much fun.
Say IVE got an idea! For your story? No I thought of a way I wont have to write one! Oh no. Hop in the time machine Hobbes! Were going a few hours into the future! Ill have finished my story by then so well just pick it up and bring it back to the present! That way I wont have to write it! Something doesnt make sense here and I think its me sitting in this box. Relax! Well be back as soon as we go.
Thank you. Thank YOU. Yep. Theres nothing like a big bed for dancing. I hope your parents dont mind bad springs.
Vortex goggles on? Here we go! Well jump ahead to my bedtime and pick up my completed homework from my own future! Then well return to the present and we can goof off the rest of the evening! Here we are! You must be the 8:30 Calvin. Did you have a good trip? No. Pst! Why do you always go on these things?
Greetings 8:30 Calvin and Hobbes! Im 6:30 Calvin and this is 6:30 Hobbes! Charmed. Well since were YOU from the past I suppose you know why were here. Did you do the homework? Me?? No. NO?! Why not?? Because two hours ago I went to the future to get it. Yeah and here I am! Where is it?! Thats what I said two hours ago! I knew this would never work. Right as always Hobbes.
Do you mean to say its time for bed and you still havent written our story for school?! I figured the story was already done! How could it be done if YOU didnt write it?! Obviously it had to be done before now because its 8:30 and Im supposed to be in bed! Wait a minute! If the story had been written in YOUR past that would mean I shouldve written it! Well why didnt you?! Because I came to the future to pick it up when it was DONE! If you hadnt screwed up my past your future wouldnt be like this.
Hold it. Lets figure this out. IM you at 6:30 and YOURE me at 8:30. Neither of us did the homework. Right. That means the homework SHOULDVE been done between my time and your time. Right. We needed to do it at 7:30. But the 7:30 Calvin clearly didnt do it or youd have it by now at 8:30. Yeah! This is HIS fault! That lazy little punk! Hell get us BOTH in trouble! Lets go get him!
Hobbeses the 8:30 Calvin and I are going to go back to 7:30 and make THAT Calvin do the homework. Well wait here. All this time travel makes us queasy. Well be right back. Off we go! This HAS to be the least efficient way to write a paper. All this modern technology makes people try to do everything at once.
Ah ha! Here we are right at 7:30! Yikes! My past and my future! Put down that comic book and do our homework! Yeah! Get to work you loafer! Hey! Why should I do all the work? Either of you could do it too! But I didnt at 6:30 and now its 7:30. And at 8:30 it will be too late. Youre the last chance. Now are you gonna start writing or do we have to pound you? Go ahead and hit me! My FUTURE self will be the one who hurts! HEY!
I dont think so. Definitely not. Mm... nahh... Thats a little better. Eww. Yeah perfect! What now Calvin? No absolutely not. Put those back. Mom says no way. Grown-ups have no taste.
You know Hobbes if the 7:30 Calvin is at all like the 6:30 and 8:30 Calvins Ill bet he isnt going to write that story. Youre right Hobbes. Why dont WE write a story while were waiting for them? Yeah! Calvin could use it for his class then. Ill write it down and you can illustrate it! OK now what should our story be about? Calvins not here. Lets write about HIM! Hee hee hee! Hoo hoo! Drawing Calvin is easy! You just make a big mouth and add some hair!
Look guys you cant gang up on ME! Oh yeah? Why not? Because were all the same Calvin! In one hour the 6:30 Calvin will be ME and in another hour well BOTH be the 8:30 Calvin. That means you guys will suffer whatever you do to me. Oh yeah. Oops. Whose dumb idea was this anyway? His? His!
Were back but we didnt get the homework. Now its 8:30 again and were doomed. Here you go! Hobbes and I wrote a story for you while you were gone! You DID?? Ha ha! Were all done! We can go back to 6:30 now! Thanks Hobbeses! You guys are life savers! Calvin? Its Mom! Hurry! Hobbes get in! Well be you in a couple hours! So long! Arent you in bed yet? Dont come in! Im... uh... changing into my PJs!
Did you write your story for class tomorrow? Sort of. What do you mean sort of? Well Hobbes helped and I had to do a lot of time traveling. Is your story written or not? Oh its written. I just havent read it.
All right Calvin go ahead. Whats YOUR story about? I dont know yet but Im sure its good! My story is entitled How Hobbes the handsome tiger saved the day... thanks to Calvin the time-traveling chowderhead. WHAT?! Is there a problem? There WILL be for a certain stripey furball when I get home.
OK YOU! Me?? This story you wrote is about ME trying to get OUT of writing the STORY! You made my time traveling sound like LUNACY! And the illustration You drew the THREE of me fighting! I was the laughing-stock of the whole class! What grade did it get? Um... A+. She wrote Very creative. The tiger narration was a clever touch. Im glad youre finally applying yourself. ... BUT EVEN SO...!! A+? Maybe I should send this to the New Yorker.
A solitary zokk circles high in the sweltering skies of a desert planet. Below a thin plume of smoke rises from the wreckage of a small red spacecraft. Our hero the intrepid Spaceman Spiff crawls across the sun-baked land! He... he must find shelter! Wait! Something is approaching! Is it a mirage? Goodness put on some sun screen and wear a hat if youre going to be out here. Honestly show a little common sense. And dont give me that look. Spiff survives fixes his ship and sets off to find a more temperate planet with fewer aliens.
Baseball is an intelligent sport. Theres more to it than brute force. It may seem slow but thats because its a thinking mans game. Theres a lot of strategy to consider. Especially the way WE play! Right! Now the first person to discover twelfth base gets a ghost point and one free Get out of jail...
Youll be proud to know Im going to donate all the snot I sneeze to hospitals for mucus transfusions. Oh stop being disgusting Calvin! Nobody needs THAT donated! What an idea! Oh. I have a jar for you to wash.
Dad where do babies come from? Is it true a stork leaves them swaddled in a bundle on the front step? In most cases yes but YOU were unceremoniously dumped down the chimney by a big hairy pterodactyl. COOL! Explains a lot doesnt it?
All? Eez thees der pooblic lahbrorry? Yah! I em beeg eemportant rezearcher oond I require eenglish voolgar zynonyms for disgustink body vunktions yah? Allo? Allo? No luck? Those librarians are a sharp bunch.
This town just aint big enough few the both of us! Yep I reckon well have to annex part o the county! Mom wont let us play with guns. I get to be the zoning board!
BUH-URRRRRRRRRRP! Good HEAVENS Calvin! What do you say after that?! Great diaphragm control huh? Shell be sorry when Im a famous soloist for the orchestra. Maybe she thinks your pitch is off.
CALLLVINN! Moms calling start the stopwatch. Shouldnt you answer her? CALLVINNN! Not yet. She doesnt see us so she cant prove we heard her. The trick is to listen to her tone of voice and answer just before she gets mad enough to come looking for us. CALVIN!! OK that was it. Now we play innocent. ARE YOU CALLING ME?? Come inside. Its time for bed. Its getting dark. Ha! She made a tactical blunder! Darkness is relative! ITS NOT DARK! YES IT IS. COME INSIDE. I CAN STILL SEE MY HANDS! ITS NOT REAL DARK! ITS DARK ENOUGH. LETS GO. Rats she cut off the debate before we could really define the terms. Now we have to bargin. CAN I STAY OUT ANOTHER TEN MINUTES? THATS ALL I WANT! NO COME IN NOW. FIVE MINUTES THEN! JUST FIVE MINUTES OK? NOW CALVIN! Darn shes catching on! She guessed that MY five minutes is HER half-hour. Well go for the fake agreement. OK IM COMING! Now we can stay out a little longer before she realizes I lied. Hows the time? Weve dragged this out 53 seconds so far. Good lets go for the record! Oops I lost my shoe! Every minute outside and awake is a GOOD minute.
This is the dumbest thing Ive ever seen in my life! Yeah well go soak your head! HEY THATLL BE ONE DOLLAR!
How do I know your ideas are great? It says so on my sign. Want one? I dont have a dollar. No problem! You can put 50 cents down and pay 100% interest in dime installments over the next 10 days! People just dont know a reat idea when they hear one.
Im having an inventory reduction sale! Great ideas are now just a quarter! OK here. Whats your great idea? Buy some more! Im getting another great idea right now. Me too. See ya.
Ahh another bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs! The seocnd bowl is always the best! The pleasure of my FIRST bowl is diminished by the anticipation of future bowls... ...and by the end of my THIRD bowl I usually feel sick. Maybe you shouldnt use chocolate milk. I tried cola but the bubbles went up my nose.
You call this NEWS?! THIS isnt informative! This is a sound bite! This is entertainment! This is sensationalism! Fortunately thats all I have the patience for.
Well lets check my calendar and see what our schedule is for today. Today says Do nothing. So does tomorrow and every day after... all the way through the end of August. I LIKE this itinerary! Lets get right to it!
A bee nest! I hate bees! WHAP ZZZZZZZ AIEE! AAAAAAAAA YOWW! I dont see the harpoon that gored you but this will help the sting. Call the national guard. Im sure they can track the bee on radar.
Mom got me some clay! Want to help me make something? Do we get smocks? I want a smock! This kind of clay isnt that messy. You dont need a smock. I WANT A SMOCK! Ok ok you can have a smock! Lets get a marker and write Dont knock my smock or Ill clean your clock. I guess it wouldnt show if dad wore his suit coat.
I like my smock. Good. ...OK Ill divide up the clay. Heres yours. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Uh huh... you have to work this stuff a bit to get it soft. Actually I just like to SAY smock. See just knead it like so and then it can be modeled. Smock smock smock smock smock smock! WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Fine art is dead Hobbes. Nobody understands it. Nobody likes it. Nobody sees it. Its irrelevant in todays culture. If you want to influence people POPULAR art is the way to go. Mass market commercial art is the future. Besides its the only way to make serious money and thats whats important about being an artist. So what kind of sculpture are you making? Please! Its not a sculpture. Its collectible figurines.
See the problem with fine art is that its supposed to express original truths. But who likes originality and truth?! Nobody! Lifes hard enough without it! Only an idiot would PAY for it! But POPULAR art knows the customer is always right! People want more of what they already know they like so popular art gives it to em! And how ARE the movie sequels this summer? Great! Man theres nothing I hate more than paying five bucks and having to deal with some new plot.
There I made a tiger. THATS no good! Whos going to buy something like that?! Its subtle! Its boring! Its incomprehensible! How will this ever appeal to the lowest common denominator?! Its completely unadaptable to merchendising tie-ins! Who cares? I just wanted to make it. WHAT?! IS THIS SOME SNOBBY ELITIST AESTETIC THING?!?
Look at the dopey clay tiger Hobbes made. Gee Calvin I think this is good. You LIKE it?? Wheres the marketabiity? Ask Hobbes if we can put it on the coffee table. But look what I made! A hundred shrunken heads of popular cartoon characters! Eww you stitched their mouths shut?! Gloat now cause some day Ill be a lot richer than you. I call it Symphony in Orange No. 1.
Summer days are supposed to be longer but they sure seem short to me. Ill say. We didnt get to do half our itinerary.
Suse stay right there! I want to show you something. Its a surprise so close your eyes. Ill be right back. Dont move. Oh cover your nose so you dont smell anything OK? Thats real important. And all your clothes are washable right? Doggone it nobodys going to be her friend if she wont TRUST anyone.
If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night Ill bet theyd live a lot differently. How so? Well when you look into infinity you realize that there are more important things to do than what people do all day. We spent OUR day looking under rocks in the creek. I mean OTHER people.
Mom I have a question. Sure Honey. Why would it be worth four dollars a minute to talk on the telephone to goofy ladies who wear their underwear on TV commercials? When were you watching that?! Um... It was on... uh... during my morning cartoons. Somehow whenever I ask a question I end up with lots of them to answer.
Lets not play this any more hmm? Its not MY fault you make a very big frog!
What are you doing inside? Its a beautiful day out! Go move around! HEY! Its too hot! Its too bright! Its too humid! Its too buggy! ITS TOO REAL!
Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh! I wish I had more enemies. Im sure you will someday honey.
I wish we could stop summer right here and have the days stay the same way they are. Thats the problem with life. It rolls along with speed you cant control. You cant go faster or slower. Fun experiences always go roaring by. ...while bad experiences never pass quickly enough. I wish we could choose how fast and slow events go. For example Id like to speed up childhood and get up to driving age. Its not the pace of life I mind. Its the sudden stop at the end.
Boy theres nothing worse than an inscrutable omen.
I saw a cloud that looked just like me! Really? There was a head huge and white floating in the ethereal blue! Obviously its a SIGN! Of what? Very peculiar high altitude winds I guess. Science kind of takes the fun out of the portent business. You know some sort of cumulonimbal thing.
Hi Dad its me Calvin. I just called to let you know its a perfect day outside. Too bad youre trapped in a boring office while Im running around free with no responsibilities! Have a good summer! Ha ha ha! *click* Childhood is for spoiling adulthood.
People are so self-centered. The world would be a better place if people would stop thinking about themselves and focus on others for a change. Gee I wonder who that might apply to. Me! Everyone should focus more on ME!
Here I am all set to write my autobiography and Im stuck! Whats the problem? I cant remember the first half of my life! Maybe your Mom knows what you did. I asked her. She said I did revolting things that are probably unpublishable. Well no wonder you suppressed the memories. Maybe I was in jail!
The problem with tigers is they have no setting between Off and High.
I read another article whining about how much violence is on television. So Ive seen a few thousand homicides in my day! Whats the big deal?! Its my RIGHT to watch violence on TV! Its people like me who make these programs profitable! I say the consumer is always right and if the advertisers want me to watch TV the shows had better pander to my tastes! ... and frankly I like to watch shoot outs car wrecks fist fights and grisly muders! I like to be ENTERTAINED! Dont you worry that all this violence is desensitizing? Nahh. Id like to shoot the idiots who think this stuff affects me.
I let my mind wander a bit and it didnt come back. I figured youd lost your mind years ago.
Bugs fly in such crazy loops and zigzags. I wonder why they dont get dizzy and barf. Maybe they do! Eww gross! Ha ha ha! But then why would they keep flying that way? Maybe bugs LIKE to barf! EWWWW! They WOULD!! Ha ha ha ha! Blaugh! I tell you Hobbes its great to have a friend who appreciates an earnest discussion of ideas.
What if we die and it turns out our God is a big CHICKEN?? What then?! Just eat your dinner OK? ETERNAL CONSEQUENCES THATS WHAT!
One of the joys of being a kid is that experiences are new and therefore more intense. For example Im about to stick my nose in a jar of mustard and inhale deeply! Lets see what its like. WHOOP!! See whed you are oder you dake your sinuses fo granded. Some of us prefer to.
Hows your book? I cant put it down. Gripping? You said it. Maybe you should wash your hands. Its peanut butter mixed with bubble gum.
Whither goest thou young rogue? Can there yet remain some villany thou hast not committed? Thou dost wrong me! Faith I know not where I wander. Methings the most capricious zephyr hath more design than I. Bot lo: do not detain me. For I am resolvd to quit this place forthwith. Ay but hear you this Ill soon know thy business get thee gone wastrel! By my troth I am off. Holy schlaMOLY isnt there a cop show on where they talk like real people? Shhh.
... SIGHHH... Three plus two... Calvin?
The best thing about Captain Steroid comic books is that every issue is number one. Every issue?? Sure! That way theyre ALL collector items! These will be worth billions of dollars some day! Of course theyre so cheaply printed you have to preserve them in plastic bags but its a small investment for such a huge guaranteed return. Gosh and I keep buying bonds. Look at the great committee that drew THIS issue!
Mom Hobbes takes my comic books and reads them before I do! Make him stop! Um... He spoils all the good parts too! He yells out whats happening while hes reading. He goes Oh no Captain Steroid is getting his kidneys punched with an I-Beam! Oh gross now hes bleeding all over the... Let me see this comic book. NOW DONT YOU READ IT FIRST!!
Mom doesnt understand comic books. She doesnt realize that comic books deal with serious issues of the day. Todays superheroes face tough moral dilemmas. Comic books arent escapist fantasy. Theyre sophisticated social critiques. Is Amazon girls super power the ability to squeeze that figure into that suit? Nah they can all do that.
Whoa Dad! Dont miss your bus! Leggo!
Is the coast clear? Give me a boost! Whats the plan? We wait for Susie to walk underneath this tree and then we drop a water balloon on her! What if she doesnt walk by? Then we just sit in the tree all day. I love summer. The days are just PACKED!
Wow look at the grass stains on my skin. I say if your knees arent green by the end of the day you ought to seriously re-examine your life.
Today at school I tried to decide whether to cheat on my test or not. I wondered is it better to do the right thing and fail... or is it better to do the wrong thing and succeed! On the one hand underserved success gives no satisfaction... but on the other hand well-deserved failure gives no satisfaction either. Of course most everybody cheats some time or other. People always bend the rules if they think they can get away with it. ...then again that doesnt justify MY cheating. Then I thought look cheating on one little test isnt such a big deal. It doesnt hurt anyone. ...but then I wondered if I was just rationalizing my unwillingness to accept the consequence of my not studying. Still in the real world people care about success not principles. ...then again maybe thats why the world is in such a mess. What a dilemma! So what did you decide? Nothing. I ran out of time and had to turn in a blank paper. Anymore simply acknowledging the issue is a moral victory. Well it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test.
Life is so sweet.
I have a question Dad. Sure. Which exactly are the halcyon days of my youth? Is Saturday one? I believe they are awarded retroactively when youre grown up. You cant identify them until THEN? Calcyonity is relative. Ill go ask Mom.
Its too hot to sleep with you in the bed. Youre blocking the breeze and you take up too much room! Opening the window more isnt going to help! The problem is your big hot furry body! Hey! Leggo! I didnt mean it! No! Im comfortable! Reall! And Mom cant imagine how my pajamas get so gritty.
I dont have anything to do. Well then why dont you go clean your room? I was bragging.
Hows business? Terrible. Thats hard to believe. I cant understand it. Everybody I know needs what Im selling.
When youre as long as the pool swimming a lap in zero seconds isnt a record.
Look a dead bird! It mustve hit the window. Isnt it beautiful? Its so delicate. Sighhh... once its too late you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile temporary and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs you cant really think about that. ...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. Its very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. No doubt.
I dont have to go to bed now! I dont have to do what you say! Actually you do. Its in your contract. My contract? what contract? Oh its a pretty standard pre-natal form. I had power of attorney since you wer ejust a few cells. Paragraph two specifies your bedtime. Dad says I can renegotiate when Im 18. This 7:30 bedtime will be tough to explain to your prom date.
Why do you sleep so much? I like to be rested when things start to happen. What are you talking about?! Nothing ever happens around here! Give me a break! AAAUGHH!
Cmon lets go try to find a big poisonous snake! What will we do if we see one? Are you kidding? Well scare ourselves silly and run around in circles screaming like a bunch of loons! I look forward to when were old enough to get our morning jolt from coffee. Ahh Ill bet that wears off quicker.
Oh greatest of mass media thank you for elevating emotion reducing thought and stifling imagination. Thank you for the artificiality of quick solutions and for the insidious manipulation of human desires for commercial purposes. This bowl of lukewarm tapioca represents my brain. I offer it in humble sacrifice. Bestow thy flickering light forever.
You know what Ive discovered? What? A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction into a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Oh thats good to know. If you werent such a muttonhead you might have thought of it yourself! See?? You proved my point!
Altitude-o-tron... check! Gamma beam macerator... check! Windshield defogger... check! Initiate final countdown! Five four three two one... FWOOM. How was our day? Well I enjoyed coming home...
I slept on my hair funny. I can tell. Maybe if I mousse it it will stay like this! See if your Mom has any curlers for the back!
Hello information? Yes what exactly is the difference between a hotdog a weiner and a frankfurter? What? Whaddaya MEAN?! OK FINE! Thanks for NOTHING you fraud!! And Ive heard the operator isnt even a surgeon! You cant trust anyone.
Im sick of hearing about personal responsibility! Ive already DONE my part to make the world a better place to live. Really? Sure! I was BORN! Oh yes I forgot to thank you. Join the club!
Man it must be 100 degrees today! Animals sure are dumb to have all that fur. People sure are ugly without it. Ill bet hes cranky because hes so hot.
Run for your life! Theres a million angry hornets coming! Theyre insane with rage! Theyll sting anyone in their path! Lousy bugs! What are they made about? Ive been throwing rocks at their nest all morning. A REAL FRIEND WOULDNT TAKE THEIR SIDE!!
Whee hee hee SPLOOSHH. Oh what an awful thing I did! How I regret it now! I hereby resolve to change my evil ways! Oh remorse remorse! My penitent sinner shtick needs work.
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Wake up honey. Its morning. Gosh its not very bright out. What time is ... Lets go honey. Jump out of bed! Mom?? NICE TRY!! See I TOLD you his Mom doesnt smack her lips like that. OK YOU do it next time!
Goodness you look tired. The monsters under my bed kept me up all night. But I checked for monsters when I tucked you in... and there werent any. I know. Then how did they get there after I left? YOU WANT ME TO CRAWL UNDER AND ASK THEM?!
Mom wants me to try an experiment tonight. She says the monsters under my bed may need me to THINK about them to exist. Her theory is that if I just dont think about them theyll go away. ...of course that idea of being dragged under the bed and devoured by monsters has a way of gripping the mind. And its not like Mom and Dad go away when I stop thinking about THEM.
Attention all monster! I am now going to stop thinking about you! MOMMMM! Admit it you LIED to us!
As soon as we turn the lights off the monsters will come back out from under the bed. Theyre not going to go away so I guess we need to find some way to live with them. Its hard to co-exist with things that want to kill you. Well weve got to do SOMETHING. We are. Were staying awake all night with the lights on. I wonder if we could set fire to the bed without burning the house down.
Whoo! It smells awful in here! Why does your room stink? Its because of the darn monsters under my bed! Calvin I dont believe for a minute that your nighttime monsters are causing this smell. But its true. See? They dont eat all the garbage we throw down there to keep em quiet.
Ta da da daaaaa! Im STUPENDOUS MAN! Kapwinnnggg! Virtual reality has nothing on Calvin.
I feel I have an obligation to keep a journal of my thoughts. Oh? Being a genius my ideas are naturally more important and interesting than other peoples so I figure the world would benefit from a record of my mental activities. How philanthropic of you. Well the world isnt going to get it cheap. So what are you writing today? I couldnt really think of anything so Im drawing some Martians attaching Indianapolis.
Call me Calvin. actually make that Calvin Boy Genius Hope of Mankind. ... or Doctor Destiny for short. (Thats Doctor Destiny Sir to you.) My journal is off to a good start.
I wish my shirt had a logo or a product on it. A good shirt turns the wearer into a walking corporate billboard! It says to the world My identity is so wrapped up in what I buy that I paid the COMPANY to advertise its products! Youd admit that? Oh sure endorsing products is the American way to express individuality.
Know what I pray for? What? The strength to change what I can the inability to accept what I cant and the incapacity to tell the difference. You should lead an interesting life. Oh I already DO!
Weve got to get cable TV Dad. No we dont. But people across the country are watching different TV shows than we are! If we dont all watch the same TV what will keep our culture homogeneous? We cant rely on monolithic natworks to provide uniform national blandness anymore! Theres still McDonalds and Wal-Mart. But they dont come into our HOMES!
DING DONG. Cmon cmon... answer the door! DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG. Whats wrong with you people?? Dont you answer your door? AAAUGH! Oh it figures its you. Mom says our doorbell is not a toy. Go away. Hopeless. From now on its illegal to hide in other peoples houses. Good try though. Girls just dont understand sports. Thats the problem.
Where do the candidates stand on dinosaur research?! Thats what I want to know! Which party has the pro-paleontology platform plank? They cant ignore the dinosaur vote! If nobody panders to us well throw the election! Well stay home! Were disaffected disenfranchised and discombobulated! We single-issue activities like to have our hot buttons pushed.
Hey Dad know what I figured out? The meaning of words isnt a fixed thing! Any word can mean anything! By giving words new meanings ordinary English can become an exclusionary code! Two generations can be divided by the same language! To that end Ill be inventing some new definitions for common words. So well be unable to communicate. Dont you think thats totally spam? Its lubricated! Well Im phasing. Marvy. Fab. Far our.
Watcha doin? Im seeing if its hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. I guess it isnt. Ugh. What a mess. Cmon Ill bet its hotter on the car dash!
I hate hearing about social responsibility! Whatever happened to unbridled greed the conspicuous consumption of wealth and the get-ahead-by-any-means credo?? Dont tell me its all over! I didnt get to participate! They cant change the game before Im old enough to play! Its not fair! The Me Decade left without its poster child. Maybe we can declare THIS the Calvin Decade.
I ate a popsicle and now my tongue is purple and my face is a sticky blotchy red. My fingers are gummy my arms are tacky where I wiped my mouth my shirt is dripping wet and the stick is stuck to my pocket. Im a syrupy mess! Who can I hug? Im sitting over here.
Oh no... oh no... WHERE ARE ALL MY CARTOON CHARACTER UNDERPANTS?? In the laundry. Wear something else. RRRRGGHHH I hate it when I cant gird my loins with funny animals.
Very good work Calvin. You got an A. All right class. Books open! Next chapter! Sighhhh...
People complain that the entertainment industry caters to the lowest common denominator of public taste but I disagree. You do? Yeah I think its a fallacy that taste bottoms out somewhere. If they could find some way to aim even LOWER theyd make some REAL money. Im sure theres a brilliant career ahead of you. There MUST be a way to cram more violence into 90 minutes!
Lets go! Time for bed. Im not going to bed. Oh yes you are. Move it. Dont be so dysfunctional Mom. Ive got a new entry for our list of words that get a reaction.
Whats with the umbrella and backpack? My motto is Be Prepared. Prepared for what? One never knows. Ive got a dart gun five comic books some gum a wrench a book on bugs a map of Montana an eraser and a rock. Gee EVERYone should carry a kit like this. The umbrella doubles as a parachute.
Eight hundred and seventy-three million... four hundred ninety-one thousand... six hundred and thirty-TWO! This gets easier when the numbers are big.
Yes Calvin? Miss Wormwood Im a fierce advocate of the separation of church and state. Nevertheless I feel the need for spiritual guidance and comfort as I face the days struggles. So I was wondering if I could strip down smear myself with paste and set fire to this little effigy of you in a non-denominational sort of way. Boy what a touchy subject!
Calvin the mighty tyrannosaur stands over his kill and roars triumphantly! The struggle to bring down his prey has given Calvin a monstrous appetite! With massive jaws twisting violently at the carcass he rips apart gigantic chunks and swallows them whole! What a disgusting spectacle of savage gluttony! Thats enough for tonight Calvin. Youre going to get sick if you eat all that. But Mom I earned it!
When you look at me its clear that my genes contain the evolutionary perfection of earthly DNA. I am the culmination of creation. With no tail?! I dont think so! Stop that! My butt doesnt NEED aesthetic enhancement.
When you think how well basic appliances work its hard to believe anyone ever gets on an airplane.
Here take a picture of me OK? Sure. Ill sit holding this big book looking contemplative. Why do you want a picture like THAT? On the off-chance I decide to do something responsible with my life Ill need to establish a ficticious childhood.
This is what I like about photography. People think cameras always tell the truth. They think the camera is a dispassionate machine that records only facts but really cameras lie all the time! Select the facts and you manipulate the truth! For example Ive cleared off this corner of my bed. Take a picture of me here but crop out all the mess around me so it looks like I keep my room tidy. Is this even legal? Wait let me comb my hair and put on a tie.
OK theres a picture of me looking well-adjusted and playing sports. That ought to do it. You hate sports. Yeah but people believe what they see and now weve got a photographic document of a fake childhood ready for any future biographical needs I may have! Pretty shrewd planning huh? Except for one detail. Suppose the photographer doesnt keep quiet? You drive a hard bargain flea-bait. Ooh now Maggot-man is about to reveal his secret identity to Amazon-babe!
Im a simple man Hobbes. YOU?? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided head-seeking missiles! Im a simple man with complex tastes.
If you could have anything in the world right now what would it be? ...hmm... Anything at all! Whatever you want! A sandwich. A SANDWICH?!? WHAT KIND OF A STUPID WISH IS THAT?! Talk about a failure of imagination! ID ask for a trillion billion dollars my own space shuttle and a private continent. I got MY wish.
You have a question Calvin? More of a statement really. I just want to say that education is our most important investment in the future and its scandalous how little our educators are paid! OK hands up. Who ELSE didnt do the homework for today? Actually Id like to see more teachers out on the streets.
Youre dead at recess Twinky. You dont scare ME Moe. This is just your clumsy way of coping with the fact that IM a genius and YOURE still struggling with the concept of walking erect. POW! The truth will set your teeth free.
I hate school! Im not going to school ever again! I refuse! I think Mum lettered in shot put her junior year.
I hate going to school. I wish I was a tiger. Tigers dont need to know anything. Attacking running animals involves a lot of physics. Theres velocity gravity and laws of motion not to mention all the biology we have to know. Then theres the artistic expression of it all and a lot more! Gosh I never realized killing was so grounded in the liberal arts. My dissertation on ethics was VERY well received.
I figured out how I can achieve success without hard work. How? Ill find a profession where everyone in it is worse than me! That might take hard work.
Act casual.
BBRRBBBRBB beep beep. GAAAPA! OOMP. You moved upwind silly! Sheesh human senses arent worth beans. GET OFF ME YOU PSYCHOTIC SAVAGE! Your nature program is on. Dont you want to watch it? NO!
Arent you supposed to be doing your homework? Im pretty sure the assignment was optional. Denial springs eternal. Its not denial. Im just very selective about the reality I accept.
I say a day without denial is a day youve got to face. From now on Im not going to think about anything unpleasant. Isnt that a self-deceiving way to go through life? Im not going to think about that.
Time for your bath. Lets go. Sorry Im in denial about my baths. Fine. Go ahead and deny it. Nobody respects my denial.
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Can I have five dollars? If you want money you should earn it by working. Shaking you down seems to be work.
I need a push! Someone push me! I need a push! Everybody I know fails the acid test of friendship.
Boy its cold out! Its a perfect day for us snowmen! What a great spot for a few feet of snow! Yes sir. A snowman like me could be real happy here! ... sighhhh... The decoy isnt working? Maybe ducks are easier to fool than snow.
A quandary. Mom once said she loved me just the way I am. So I wonder what would happen if I became a clam. If her son was gray and grimy slippery and sliy an oversized hors doeuvre would Mom still have the nerve? Good poetry gives me goosebumps.
What story would you like tonight? We can read anything except... Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie! NO! No Hamster Huey tonight! Weve read that book a million times! I want Hamster Huey! Look you KNOW how the story goes! Youve memorized the whole thing! Its the same story every day! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Wow the story was different THAT time! Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Hueys head?
I wish I had a baby brother. You want a new friend to play with? No I want somebody small I could beat up. Look honey can we talk about that operation some other time?
Dad? are you busy? Well sort of why? Oh nothing. I was just thinking maybe if you had the time you and I could do a father-son kind of project. You know just the two of us. Why of course we can! Thats more important than this! Sure what would you like to do? Youre old enough to buy firearms and explosives right?
Look how your tail flips around! I wonder which muscles control that. I can sort of clench my butt but I dont think it could wiggle a tail. Hmm how strange! Ive never really thought about butt muscles before. Some things dont need the thought people give them.
IM IN A VERY BAD MOOD SO NOBODYD BETTER MESS WITH ME TODAY BOY!! Here I got you a new comic book. Why dont you just sit on the couch and Ill make you some peanut butter crackers. Are you comfy? Um I guess so. Mom knows EVERYTHING.
Hello Calvin. I am Doctor 5-40. Y-youre a robot?? Ha hah affirmative. We wouldnt trust a delicate operation like this to clumsy HUMAN hands now would we? Um... I gues not... Hows the anesthetic? Feel anything? ... no... Good. This will just take a moment. Hold this jar would you? Ta de tum tum... a little gray matter here a dab there... ah that should do it. Wow that was easy! How do you fell? Smart! This knowledge implant should provide all the wisdom youll ever need. Great! No more school! Thanks Doctor! Go home and have 12 years of fun. Sighhhh.
I bet youre all thinking Wow how did these clothes walk to the front of the class all by themselves? And NOW look! Heres a piece of chalk floating around! Pretty weird huh? Yes for Show and Tell today I Calvin have turned myself invisible! Ha ha! Now Ill take off these clothes and the next sound you hear will be my feet heading for the door! Adios amigos! Lucky guess Miss Wormwood! Woooooh these pants are hovering over the class! Ooooh!
Im not going to do my math homework. Look at these unsolved problems. Heres a number in mortal combat with another. One of them is going to get subtracted. But why? How? What will be left of him? If I answered these it would kill the suspense. It would resolve the conflict and turn intruiging possibilities into boring ol facts. I never really thought about the literary qualities of math. I prefer to savor the myster.
Miss Wormwood? Yes Calvin? If ignorance is bliss this lesson would appear to be a deliberate attempt to deprive me of happiness the pursuit of which is my unalienable right according to the declaration of independence. I therefore assert my patriotic prerogative not to know this material. Ill be out on the playground. HELLLPP! MONARCHISTS!
Im gonna pound you at recess Twinky. Oh yeah? ID LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT! My brain wishes my ego had call-waiting.
Hello county library? Yes do you have any books on why girls are so weird? Thats what I said. Or you might also try looking under obnoxious. Are you serious?! You mean theres no research on this at all?? Ill bet the library just doesnt want anyone to know.
MOM? MOM? Im taking a bath Calvin. Oh OK never mind. It was nothing. SPLISH SPLASH SPLOOSH. Its ALWAYS something. So Ive noticed.
Look at that kids snowman! What a pathetic cliche! Am I supposed to identify with this complacent moron and his shovel?? This snowman says nothing about the human condition! Is this all the kid has to say about contemporary suburban life?! The soulless banality of this snowman is a sad comment on todays art world. Now come look at MY snowman. I call it The Torment of Existence Weighted Against the Horror of Nonbeing. As he melts this sculpture will become even more poignant. I admire your willingness to put artistic integrity before marketability.
BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF Oh no not AGAIN! Once this starts every dog in the neighborhood starts yapping! GET IN HERE!
I wish it was winter. Well it wont be for a while yet. Then I wish it was spring or summer. You dont like autumn? Oh autumn is fine. Its the present I dont like.
There really ought to be a fall olympics.
Its a high price to pay but nuzzling tiger tummies is one of the great pleasures of life.
I said to go out LONG! Keep going! This is as far as you can throw the ball. THATS NOT TRUE! OK Ill step closer. Itll be the last think you ever do you flea feast? Oh yeah? Lets see if you fight as badly as you throw! I guess this is another incomplete. Its a good thing we dont have to fight some OTHER team!
Wheres the ball? I dont see it. You look over there and Ill look over here. It doesnt matter if you win or lose. Its HOW you play the game!
Thats two outs! I shouldve stayed at second base. Youve still got a snowman at third. I love a good game of speed sled base snow ball!
I love recess! Two minutes ago I was eating devilled ham chocolate milk grapes and ice cream. And now Im running around on a playground full of nausea-inducing disorienting motion devices. Its the one time at school I get some solitude.
Hey Susie pick a number in the fortune teller. Um... three. One two three! Now pick a letter. B. We lift up flap B and it says Youre a mouth-breakthing bag of boogers! AH HA HA HA HA HA! Life doesnt get much better than this.
RRINNGGG. Didnt you hear the bell? Recess is over. Its time to go in. Im not done yet. It takes me more than one recess to wear myself into a state of submission.
Susie do you want to trade Captain Napalm bubble gum cards? After chewing almost $20 worth of gum Ive collected all the cards except numbers 8 and 34. Ill trade you any duplicate for either of those. I dont collect Captain Napalm bubble gum cards. It must be depressing to go through life with no purpose.
OOF! Ackpth! Pbthp! That was a fumble! Arent you going to get the ball? No you can have it. Its not much fun playing with someone who would rather tackle than win. Go on take a running start.
Its third down and four to go...
My hands were all shaky my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. Dear Calvin it said Im writing because this year Ive repealed my naught / nice laws. So now I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say Thank you Youre welcome or Please. Talk back to your mother. Do as youre told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy I really dont care! Act like a jerk anytime anywhere! Im changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be from now on the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick its no joke. Sincerely signed Santa. ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I dont think Ill make it.
Here Calvin you got a letter in the mail. I did?? Gosh I never get mail! I wonder who sent this. Theres no return address! In its place theres a crude human skull with Xs for eyes and its tongue hanging out. Maybe its the IRS.
Look Hobbes I got a mysterious letter! The return address is a skull with X-ed out eyes! It has a local postmark though. So I must know the person. Oh boy intrigue! But who would send me an anonymous weird letter like this? Maybe a GIRL! GAAAA! Doesnt the post office SCREEN anything? Ill get you some gloves!
If this is from a girl well have to bury it real deep and disinfect my room. Hurry! Open it! Ugh what if its some mushy poem written with a pink pen in loopy letters with the Is dotted with hearts?? I think Id puke. No its cut and pasted letters from a magazine! Wow! No handwriting to trace! It says Coded message to follow. A-1 B-2 etc. Destroy this letter. Hobbes were dealing with a PRO!
Can you believe this?? A skull for a return addres untraceable cut-out letters and a code key for a future message. This is real secret agent stuff! Whoever sent this is taking no chances on the message being traced or intercepted! Gosh the message must be super top secret and important! I wonder what it could be! I wonder when Ill find out. Its a good thing youre the patient type. This is so cool I have to go to the bathroom!
This is so exciting to get a secret untraceable message in the mail! It said a coded letter would follow! Maybe it will arrive today! I cant wait to get home and see! I wonder what it will say? I wonder who sent it? I wonder why its in code? Ill bet I grow up to be a spy! Im so good at figuring out whats going on!
Im home! Im home! Did I get a letter today?? Yes its on the table. Oh boy Hobbes this is it! This is the coded message! Quick lets decipher it! OK the first number is 3 so that would be C. Next is 1. So thats A. This is fun! Hey! This says Calvin is a porridge brain! Its... its an INSULT! Some people have secret admirers. YOU have a secret detractor!
We got some new snow last night! Lets look for animal tracks! Here are some bird tracks. Look you can see wing impressions where they took off! And these are rabbit tracks. Looks like they were going pretty fast. No wonder! Look at THESE tracks! Something was chasing them all over the place! Hmm... big pads... could be a wolf. But there are no clan impressions. Its more like a bobcat or a mountain lion or... or... This explains the cold wet feet in my bed this morning. The snow was falling and I thought The birds and the rabbits around here need some exercise.
Ooh this burns me up! A coded message saying Calvin is a porridge brain! The nerve! The bizarre skull drawing the cut and pasted letters the code... all that suspense and mystery for an insult! What kind of depraved maniac would go to so much trouble?! Rrrghhh I wish I knew who sent this!! Our only clue is that the twisted fiend has too much time on his hands. Another letter for you Calvin! How nice to get so much mail.
Look Hobbes the skull! Its another letter from the secret insulter! More cut and pasted letters! It says You look like a baboon and you smell like one too! Ha ha. The mystery deepens. WHO COULD BE SENDING THESE?! A reckless exaggerator. You dont LOOK like a baboon. OH YOURE A BIG HELP!
I cant sleep. Whos been sending me these insults? Where will it stop?! Am I going to get an insult in the mail every day for the rest of my life?? The thing that drives me crazy is that theres no way to trace this lunatic! Hes thought of everything! Hes a mastermind! Hey who cut up this magazine?
Did I get another letter today? Yep! When you write to yourself you get a lot of mail. I dont write these! What are you talking about? Oh cmon Calvin. I know youve been putting these out for the mailman every day. Wait a minute! These are coming from OUR house?? Oh and I want you to ASK before you cut up my magazines OK? ALL RIGHT WHERES THAT MISERABLE BUNCH OF STRIPEY ORANGE FLEA BAIT?!?
So it was YOU the whole time! YOURE the one whos been sending me insults in the mail!! Ill get you for this! You and your sneaky codes and pasted letters and skull drawings! ... although really the skull drawings were pretty cool. You can tell a good spy by his ominous logo.
You and I are through! Ill teach you to trick me you big hairball! You just have no sense of humor! I do too! Its just that was a terrible nasty awful thing to do and Ill never forgiv... huh? Heyyyy youre right! It IS funny! Ha ha ha! ... OK! Were pals again! SUSIE: you smell! Ha ha!
AAAAUGHH! Is the water too cold? Um... no its fine. Then stop that infernal screaming. Yes Mom.
... meeting smile after sa-mi-i-ile in the air theres a fee-heeling of christmassss. NOT THINKING ABOUT IT WONT MAKE IT GO AWAY YOU KNOW!
Look Hobbes I got a paint by numbers kit! Its really fun. But youre not painting in the lines and not using the colors that correspond to the numbers. If I did THAT Id get the picture they show on the box! Ah.
Well your haircut is a big improvement. You LIKE what it says on the back of my head? What WHAT says? Didnt the barber shave I may have a bad haricut but youre downright ugly back there? Good heavens no! OK CHARLIE GIMME BACK THAT TIP!
These fall mornings sure are pretty. The brisk air the smell of leaves... all ruined because I have to get on a bus and go to school. When I was a pre-schooler I never took advantage of fall mornings. I didnt appreciate them. Another squandered youth. Sighhh... I was so young and foolish. I thought those days would last forever.
Hello? ... No my Mom cant come to the phone right now. Sure Ill be glad to take a message. You write it down drive it over here pay me five bucks and Ill give it to her the next time I see her. He must not have wanted to talk to Mom very bad.
Im growing my fingernails long. Then Ill file them into points so Ill have claws just like you. Mine are retractable. No retractable claws no opposable toes no prehensile tail no compound eyes no fangs no wings... SIGHHH...
How unoriginal! How hehune! Stupid kid. If you dont have anything to say just keep quiet! Well this is certainly shocking! Face it kid provoking a reaction isnt the same thing as saying something significant! Look pal theres no point expressing ideas if you cant make them understood! Youre just babbling to yourself! And arent we all bored with the irony byy now?You just THINK youre above it all kid! I tell you Hobbes its tough being the sole guardian of high culture. Talent like ours carries such enormous responsibility.
Can I learn to parachute out of an airplane? Why dont you just play chicken on the railroad tracks? It would be a cheaper way to toy with death Im sure. Moms so practical.
This connect-the-dots book really makes me mad! Look at this. Its a duck. I know! Who wants to draw a duck?! I sure didnt! They MADE me! Ive been maninpualted! My natural artistic talent has been used against my will to create some coprorate entitys crude idea of waterfowl! Its outrageous! Another blow to creative integrity. From now on Ill connect the dots my OWN way.
Miss Wormwood my Dad says when he was in school they taught him to do math on a slide rule. He says he hasnt used a slide rule since because he got a five-buck calculator that can do more functions than he could figure out if his life depended on it. Given the pace of technology I propose we leave math to the machines and go play outside. My bills always die in the subcommittee.
How do bank machines work Dad? Well lets say you wwant 25 dollars. You punch in the amount... and behind the machine theres a guy with a printing press who makes the money and sticks it out this slot. Sort of like the huy who lives up in our garage and opens the door? Exactly.
Miss Wormwood? Yes Calvin? You can present the material but you cant make me care. Rumor has it shes up to two packs a day unfiltered.
Ive noticed that comic book superheroes usually fight evil maniacs with grandiose plans to destroy the world. Why dont superheroes go after the more subtle realistic bad guys? Yeah the superhero coiuld attend council meetings and write letters to the editor and stuff. Hmm... I think I see the problem. Quick! To the bat fax!
UHNGGG. Its the late jurassic. Calvin the awful allosaur darts around a giant unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh whats wrong with taking a little break?!
UHNGGG. Its the late jurassic. Calvin the awful allosaur darts around a giant unsuspecting diplodocus! Calvin crouches in his hiding place muscles tensed for the surprise attach! He waits... he waits! AAAAAAAA Sheesh whats wrong with taking a little break?!
For Show and Tell today I dont have anything to show. But Ill TELL you that when Im at school my Mom puts on a patriotic leotard a cape and knee-high high-heeled boots and she fights crime as a super-heroine. I hope youre duly impressed. Thank you very much. Thats the note his teacher sent home with him. Wow show me that outfit sometime.
Do you hate being a girl? Its gotta be better than the alternative. Whats it like? Is it like being a bug? Like a WHAT?! I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them but they lack the intelligence to really comprehend the magnitude of it. I mustve put my finger on it.
Im home! Im free! The rest of the day is all mine! Finally some time to myself! Liberty precious liberty! Ha ha ha!
Dad are you vicariously living through me in the hope that my accomplishments will validate your mediocre life and in some way compensate for all the opportunities you botched? If I were you can bet Id be re-evaluating my strategy. Mom Dad keeps insulting me.
I like rocks. Heres a nice one. See how smoothit is? It probably took eons to get like that. Its a sedimentary rock formed by sediment deposits as opposed to say an igneous rock which is volcanic in origin. You sure know a lot about rocks. You bet. Ballistic missiles from God I call em.
Im going to paste Susie with a slushball! Heh heh heh! Some philosophers say that TRUE happiness comes from a life of virtue! Someday Ill write my OWN philosophy book. Virtue needs some cheaper thrills.
Wake up get up... Shut up listen up... Throw up... Mix up goof up... Hurry up... Hows your day? Looking up.
Dear Santa This year I dont want any gifts. I just want love and peace for my fellow man. Reverse psychology. Kind of risky dont you think?
Dear Santa Why is your operation in the North Pole? Im guessing cheap elf labor lower environmental standards and tax breaks. Is this really the example you want to set for us impressionable kids? My plan is to put him on the defensive before he considers how good Ive been.
Dear Santa Last year I asked for a long-range thermo-nuclear Smart missile and a launcher. Instead I got socks and a shirt. Obviously you mixed up my order with someone elses. Lets get with the program huh? Just because he gives the stuff away free he thinks he can get away with an incompetent organization.
Look at this great snowball! Id sure like to paste someone upside the head with it. ... but I figure each snowball I throw means Ill get one less present from Santa. I wish I knew if Santa was bringing me any underwear.
Ski resorts use man-made snow. They have snow-making machines that can cover a whole hillsie. Hint hint. You can rely on the weather like every other kid.
You got something in the mail. It looks like a Valentine card. Huh? Open it up! It IS a valentine! Who would send me a valentine? Read it! Read it! Roses are rd violets are blue tu-lips are what well be kissing woo woo! Love Susie. AAAUGGHH! Ho HO! Muchas smooches for el conKISStador! This cant be happening! Its all a nightmare! Some horrible hallucination! Susie loves Calvin! Calvin loves Susie! Ive got to pull myself together! What can I DO? My natural studliness has overwhelmed Susies fragile grip on reality! Big sloppy smackers! Smmmrppp! Hey theres Susie now! Shes coming this way! Oh NO! Quick! A slushball! I need a slushball! Hi Cal... OOMP!! THATS what I think of your mushy Valentine card! POW! I didnt send you a Valentine card you smelly snot-nosed troll! Why on earth would I send a valentine to YOU?? You didnt? But... but... Im telling! ... then who...?? Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match... YOU!! You write that card! You tricked me!! Wheeeeee! Love makes the world go round! Youre gonna see STARS go round I promise!
Oh look yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola fast food and beer conglomerates. Whod have ever guessed product consumption popular entertainment and spirituality would mix so harmoniously. Its a beautiful world all right. Dad doesnt handle the seasons stress very gracefully.
Dad Id like to have a little talk. Um OK... As the wage earner here its your responsibiliy to show some consumer confidence and start buying things that will get the economy going and create profits and employment. Heres a list of big-ticket items Id like for Christmas. I hope I can trust you to do whats right for our country. Ive got to stop leaving the Wall Street Journal around.
RRRRGGHHH. I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny the first time its funny EVERY time.
Im having a lot of holiday stress. Why? You dont shop for anyone youve got two weeks off from school and your parents do all the cooking cleaning and decorating! How could you have holiday stress? Deep down I doubt my greed for presents can overcome my desire to misbehave.
OK Hobbes Ive got a plan. Yeah? If I do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day from now until Christmas Santa will have to be lenient in judging the rest of this last year! I can claim Ive turned a new leaf! Ten spontaneous acts of good will a day? Thats pretty many. Dont remind me. Well heres your chance. Susies coming this way. Maybe Ill start tomorrow and do 20 a day.
Oh man Susies right in range! Its a clear shot! I cant miss! I thought you were going to do ten spontaneous acts of good will a day. Its not even noon. Ill do em after lunch. Look doing ten good acts isnt going to impress Santa if you do BAD things all morning! Suppose I just graze her jaw and knock some fillings loose. That would be in the gray area dont you think? Dont expect to play with all MY presents when you dont get any.
My hands were all shaky my face had gone pale. A letter from Santa just arrived in the mail! It was hand-written in old-fashioned ink pen. It was handsomely printed and dated twelve ten. Dear Calvin it said Im writing because this year Ive repealed my naught / nice laws. So now I urge you: be vulgar and crude! I LIKE it when children are boorish and rude! Burp at the table! Gargle your peas! Never say Thank you Youre welcome or Please. Talk back to your mother. Do as youre told. Stick your tongue out at your Dad if he scolds! Drive everyone crazy I really dont care! Act like a jerk anytime anywhere! Im changing the rules! The BAD girld and boys will be from now on the ones who get the toys! Good little kids make me sick its no joke. Sincerely signed Santa. ... and then I awoke. I hate being good (or trying to fake it). Six days until Christmas! I dont think Ill make it.
SMACK YES! IM SORRY! Not as sorry as youre GOING to be! I think as long as you SUFFER for your sins they dont count. Its your only hope.
Here! Its a comic book! Its MY comic book. But you can read it. Just make sure your hands are clean and acid-free and only touch the mylar bag and use these sterilized tongs to turn the pages and try not to exhale too much moisture OK?! Dont mess it up! THERE! Thats one spontaneous act of good will! I hope youre satisfied. Santa! Darn you!! I think spontaneous acts of good will should be less reluctant. RELUCTANT ONES QUALIFY!!
Mush hullp smack ullkk... Mom Im guessing this is boiled guano on raw maggots but Im (orrg) choling it down as best as my cramping stomach allows. This is another spontaneous act of good will Santa! Youd better come through in SPADES for this!! More maggots? SURE! PILE EM ON!
One more day of being good! This has been the longest week of my entire life. HEY! Ill bet Santas loading up the sleigh right now! Hes got millions of deliveries right? He couldnt possible still be deciding how good I am! If his decision is made I dont have to impress him any more! Im free! The charade is over! I can do what I want! Maybe hes loading your stuff last just to see what you do. You think? Well maybe. Geez hes a tough ol geezer! Well whats one more day? ...sigh...
Its a certificate entitling the bearer to one day pounce-free of tiger attacks! Wow! Thanks ol buddy! You always think of the best gifts! I still think this couldve waited until sunrise. Shh take a picture.
The snow isnt deep enough for sledding. And its not wet enough to pack either. Sighhhh. Fortunately Im the stoic type. Youre an inspiration to us all.
Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Nope! I want everything to stay the same as it was this year. Everything? Right. This year was lousy but at least its familiar. I hate change! Its too disruptive! When things are difference you have to think about the change and deal with it! I like things to stay the same so I can take everything for granted! Besides things keep changing for the WORSE! The longer I live the more complicated everything gets! I say lets stop here before life gets any harder! From now on no more change! Im bored. Lets do something different. SOME things dont change.
You know its amazing how many things can be taken apart with just one ordinary screwdriver! Such as? Well just for starters theres... that is hypothetically I mean... not that Id know for a fact of course... just in theory I imagine that maybe... um well gosh its hard to say. Ive GOT to stop introducing topics of conversation.
You know what the problem is with the universe? Um... Theres no toll-free customer service hot line for complaints! Thats why things dont get fixed! If the universe had any decent management wed get a full refund if we werent completely satisfied! But the place is free! See thats another thing. They should have a cover charge and keep out the riffraff.
Do you need nails pounded into anything? Name the surface and Ill fill it full of nails! Um no... You sure? Ive got the tools right here! Lots of nail sizes! Id be happy to do it! No thanks not today. OK well let me know when you cange your mind. Mm-hmm. Mom wanted a girl. I just know it. Did she want anything sawed?
People always seem so crabby and animals always seem so content. I wonder why that is. Its probably because animals know theyre superior and people know theyre inferior. I figured it was because animals get 15 hours of sleep every day. Actually I think animals are just as crabby as people are.
Wow look at the snow coming down! The roads are a mess! I hope Dad makes it home OK. Face it Dad. The seasons over. Are you kidding? In this stuff I reach my optimal heart rate in no time!
Ive decided to stop caring about things. If you care you just get disappointed all the time. If you DONT care nothing matters so youre never upset. From now on my rallying cry is SO WHAT?! Thats a tough cry to rally around. So what?!
YA-A! WHOK. UHN-GG. There were two ways to resolve our differences. I ruled out a thoughtful discussion. Foolish Amazon! I am only toying with you! YEAH?? Well toy with THIS!! The hyper-phase distortion blaster? I could feel my spine shatter. It hurt... BUDDOW. ...a lot. Next ISH --- Injuries to go ...hehh hah hooh... hahh heh hmh Click. No you dont. Theres too much violence on TV. Why dont you go read something?
Im not getting up until its as warm out there as it is in here.
I dont want to go to school. I dont want to know anything new. I already know more than I want to! I liked things better when I didnt understand them! The fact is Im being educated against my will! My rights are being trampled! Is it a right to remain ignorant? I dont know but I refuse to find out!
It would sure be a big surprise if the school bus spontaneously exploded and I didnt have to go to school! Yeah Id sure be surprised if THAT happened! Life is full of surprises but never when you need one.
IM HO-OME! Hello?? Thanks for the big welcome! Youre letting in cold air.
Problems often look overwhelming at first. The secret is to break problems into small manageable chunks. If you deal with THOSE youre done before you know it. For example Im supposed to read this entire history chapter. It looks impossible so I break the problem down. You focus on reading the first section? I ask myself Do I even care?
Watcha doin? Im killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. I hope youre comfy. You could get me something to eat.
IM HO-OME! Click. OOMF! SEE? SEE?! Thats what he does when I come home!! He thinks YOU tossed ME in the air?! Why Ive never been so insulted in my life! I need to get a video camera.
This snowman doesnt look very happy. Hes not. He knows its just a matter of time before he melts. The sun ignores his entreaties. He feels his existence is meaningless. Is it? Nope. Hes about to buy a big screen TV.
Home sweet home.
For the townsfolk below the day began like any other day.
Whats wrong with your snowman? Its a snow WOMAN. I dont care. Were not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard.
I hate trudging up these hills. I didnt come out here to WORK! I came out here to ride and have FUN! Well you cant ride the sled if you dont climb the hills. I could if you pulled me up. Hes so lazy and selfish.
Ha ha! Id sure like to see Mom make me come inside NOW! With this fort and arsenal of 200 snowballs NOBODY can tell ME what to do! I can stay out here all day! At last Im the master of my fate! Ill stay outside as long as I please! Back inside so soon? Its too cold out.
Blecchhh. TO BE?? ...or... NOT to be? *sighhh* That is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to SUFFER the SLIGNS and ARROWS of outrageous fortune... ...or to take ARMS against a sea of troubles... and by opposing END them? To die: to sleep: no more! And by a sleep to say we END the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... *sniff* tis a consummation devoutly to be wished! To die to sleep! To sleep perchance to DREAM: Ay THERES the rub! ... for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause. Blink blink. FEEHEELINGGS wo wo wo. You finished that right up! Did you like it? Lets not have this ever again.
Eggplant Casserole tonight? Why yes!
All that fur must be strictly ornamental.
Nothing I do is my fault. My family is dysfunctional and my parents wont empower me! Consequently Im not self-actualized! My behaviour is addictive functioning in a disease process of codependency! I need holistic healing and wellness before I accept any responsibility for my actions! One of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water. I love the culture of victimhood.
Why is this snowman looking at a snowball? Hes contemplating snowman evolution. Obviously if he evolved from a snowball it raises tough theological questions for him. Like the morality of throwing someones precursors at someone? Sure. And what about shoveling ones genetic material off the walk?
Its that moment of dawning comprehension I live for.
Look at this! Some idiot dumped trash out here! People seem to forget that others of us have to live on this planet too. You know I dont understand why humans evolved as such thoughtless shortsighted creatures. Well it cant stay that way forever. You think well get smarter. Thats one of the two possibilities. Maybe well stop polluting before its too late. Were all holding our breath.
I like to verb words. What? I take nouns and adjectives and use them as verbs. Remember when access was a thing? Now its something you DO. It got verbed. Verbing weirds language. Maybe we can eventually make language a complete impediment to understanding.
Wow chocolate chip cookie batter! I love it before its cooked! Can I have some? Please please? Now its got raw eggs in it and you could get salmonella poisoning. One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.
Where are my glasses? I thought they were right here. Hmm... I put them down... I went to get my book... I told Calvin to shovel the walk... Where could they be??
The secret to making great hot chocolate is to put the tiny marshmallows in FIRST. So they melt faster? No. So you can fit in 40 or 50 of them. This way the hot chocolate just fills the cracks. I wondered why you eat it with a fork. Also I dont use milk. I just heat the syrup.
What are you doing? Dont wear your boots through the house! Considering where my SHOES have been I thought shed be happy.
If you do a job badly enough sometimes you dont get asked to do it again.
Any good mail today? Mm... not really. Heres a Youre not covering the cost of all these mailings charity request. Youve got a Youre not attractive enough womens magazine with an article on swimsuits that minimize all your body flaws. Here are some Youre not stylish or ostentatious enough catalogs... and coincidentally an invitation to go deeper in debt from a credit card company. And heres our news magazine to identify the trend of the week were missing... and I got a hobby magazine featuring new equipment I ought to have. Yikes. ...Why do I get the feeling that society is trying to make us discontented with everything we do and insecure about who we are? I suppose if people thought about real issues and needs instead of manufactured desires the economy would collaps and wed have total anarchy. So pitching this junk would make me some kind of terrorist huh? Yep. Its our patriotic duty to buy distractions from a simple life. Hey Mom I saw a bunch of products on TV that I didnt know existed but I desperately need!
1. Write a paragraph explaining the significance of Magellans expedition. A gas mask a smoke grenade and a helicopter... thats all I ask.
Calvin dont just throw your wet coat on the floor! Hang it up where it belongs! Im not looking for extra work around here. Oh like I am.
Im gonna pound you at recess Twinky. Oh yeah? Well youll have to catch me first! When your strategy is to run like a squirrel its hard to come up with a good taunt.
Today for Show and Tell Ive brought a tiny marvel of nature: a single snowflake. I think we might all learn a lesson from how this utterly unique and exquisite crystal... turns into an ordinary boring molecule of water just like every other one when you bring it in the classroom. And now while the analogy sinks in Ill be leaving you drips and going outside. CALVIN!
Look at this sandwich my Mom made! Im not eating this wretched thing! Why this squid isnt even fresh! Smell it! Look how rubbery it is! And the inky brine has soaked the bread! The pickles are pulp! Gross! Wanna trade! Nobody will trade with a kid whose Mom makes a bad sandwich.
You know what astronauts can do right in their spacesuits? Geez how am I ever going to learn to be an astronaut?
Stranded on a distant planet the fearless Spaceman Spiff has been captured by a horrible Yukbarf! So the earthling villain wont cooperate eh? Well see about that! Take him to the dungeon! Yes your most supreme odoriferousness! You dont scare ME you talking blobs of oozing slop! I am impervious to pain! Hey what kind of dungeon is this?! Arent you going to torture me? Oh yes! Have a seat and lets see how you withstand a calm discussion of wholesome principles! AAAUGH. Yes. life is tough and suffering builds character. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Virtue is its own reward and when I was your age...
Oh lovely snowball packed with care smack a head thats unaware! Then with freezing ice to spare melt and soak through underwear! Fly straight and true hit hard and square! This oh snowball is my prayer. I only throw consecrated snowballs.
What are you doing? Im throwing people off my trail with deceptive footprints. See everyone will think these tracks were made by a one-legged kid going THAT way and theyll be completely wrong! Who exactly is on your trail? Look it doesnt hurt to take precautions.
Nobody can make me go inside! Ive got 200 snowballs that say Im staying OUT! No ones gonna make ME come in the house! DOESNT ANYBODY MISS ME?!?
I used to hate writing assignments but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity. With a little practice writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender Modes. Academia here I come!
Here we are high on Rigor Mortis Ridge steeling ourselves for the terrifying descent into Grim Reaper Gorge! Why do we risk life and limb in a vertical free fall when we could be safe at home by the fire? Because it is mans indominable nature to scare himself silly for no good reason! If you make it home to the fire you can tell me how it was. See? This is why there were never any great animal explorers!
SMACK! AH HA HA HA! That was hilarious! Ha ha ha! POW! A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it.
140 million years ago the incredible ultrasaurs wander over the earth! Some weigh over 70 tons and even the vicious allosaurs are no match for these giants! But wait! A distant rumbling sends the ultrasaurs into a panicked stampede! Is it a volcano? Is it an earthquake? No! Its... its a Calvinosaurus! Named after the renowned archeologist who discovered it the huge calvinosaur can eat an ultrasaur in a single bit! Phooey! I never find ANYthing. It looks like youve hit the sewer pipe.
I should be doing my homework now. But the way I look at it playing in the snow is a lotm ore important. Out here Im learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life. Such as? Procrastinating and rationalizing.
Look at that! An angel. It must be a FALLEN angel! Generally they burn up in the atmosphere but this one apparently vaporized on impact leaving this angel-shaped crater in the snow! There are more over there. God mustve been punting angels left and right. Strange that there would be so many in Susies front yard. Ill bet theyre all related to her.
Im making a monumental heroic snow sculpture. It will be called The Triumph of Perseverence. Very inspiring. What will it look like? This. Youre through? Im bored.
Its like shooting fish in a barrel.
Look at this! This is the biggest snowball in the world! Ha ha! I cant wait to plaster somebody with it! How are you going to pick it up? Reality continues to ruin my life. Maybe you could put it someplace where someone will walk into it.
Im not going to do this homework! Cmon lets go outside! Nobody gives the evil eye like your Dad. Did you see how his veins throbbed?
I can never enjoy sundays because in the back of my mind I always know Ive got to go to school the next day. Its like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! Thats outrageous. Your thoughts arent worth that! This one is. At a dollar its the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldnt pay a nickle for any thought youve ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You cant extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was youd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. Cmon just tell me what it is will you? Nothing doing pal. OK OK. Ill give you 25 cents. Thats all I have. Lets see it. Here! 25 cent! Now whats this big expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par...
Whats in the big bag? Nothing YOU need to know about. Cmon tell me! Well lets just say its something that might come in handy today. Why? What happens today? Weve got a history test remember? So what did you bring? A bomb? Wouldnt you and the Principal BOTH like to know!
Why wont you tell me whats in that bag? Its a severed head. It is NOT! Dont be disgusting! Fine. Dont believe me. You said it would come in handy during todays test. The head is an oracle. Ill put it on my desk and it will tell me answers. Forget I asked! I dont even care! SOOOOSIE IS A BOOGER BRAAINN! It speaks the truth!
Here are your tests. You may begin. Can I get something from my locker? What do you need? I cant tell you. Then sit and do your test. Youre spoiling a great surprise for the class! It would be a great surprise for ME if youd just get to work.
Cough cough cough. Can I get a drink of water? OK but hurry up. THIS is a job for...
To avoid detection while changing identities mild-mannered Calvin leaps into his locker! There he makes the stupendous transformation into... STUPENDOUS MANNN! Da ta da tum tum da ta da tum tum. Gosh its dark in here. Wheres that darn handle?
BANG BANG BANG. I cant get out! Hmm... this is a REAL job for Stupendous Man! Bang bang bang bang bang. Heck this may even be a job for the custodian.
Here comes somebody! This meeting of the top secret club G.R.O.S.S. (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) will come to order. Today this august assembly will decide whether to demote President Hobbes on charges of heresy! HERESY?! Let the record show that the defendent made an UNdisparaging comment about the possible membership of Susie Derkins an admitted girl and enemy of this club. Let the record ALSO show that Supreme Dictator-for-Life Calvin is a nincompoop. OK just for that youre also charged with insubordination! This court finds you guilty on both counts and strips you of your title! Ha! As court stenographer I refuse to enter the verdict! In fact Im PROMOTING myself to El Tigre Numero Uno! Oh yeah?! Well then I promote MYself to Most highest grandest exalted um supreme uh... There! I wrote Hobbes equals great in the official club notebook! Now its a law! IT IS NOT! GIMME THAT! Ha ha ha! IM writing Hobbes equals ugly fur ball! What do you think of THAT? Oh ho! I take the supreme dictator hat! Now IM the supreme dictator! You give that back! I declare you null and void! Truce? Truce. What a great club. Too bad we dont have more members. Maybe we should allow Susie to join.
Wheres Calvin? Didnt he come back from the drinking fountain? Ill bet hes at his locker Miss Wormwood. He brought something secret in a paper bag today that he said would help him on the test. Five years until retirement. Five years until retirement. STUPENDOUS MANs stupendous powers are of no avail in this cunning trap! Zounds! Its STUPENDOUS MANs fiendish nemesis the crab teacher coming to finish him off! Calvin?
Lets see if Calvin got whatever was in his locker. With stupendous muscles of magnitude Stupendous Man breaks free!! What on earth?! S.. for Stupendous! T... for Tiger ferocity of! U.. for Underwear red! P.. for Power incredible! E... for Excellent physique! N... for something... hm well Ill come back to that... D... for Determination! U... for... wait how do you spell this? Is it I?? Its not enough that we have to be disciplinarians. Now we need to be psychologists. Your nefarious scheme will never succeed!
Stupendous Man escapes! A crimson bold bursts through the air! Calvin come back here! Now its off to apply my stupendous powers of concentration to the history test of my alter ego mild-mannered Calvin! TA-DAA! Have no fear boys and girls! Im Stupendous Man champion of liberty and justice! Try to restrain yourselves girls! Im just here to do Calvins test. He lives on YOUR street doesnt he? I hardly even KNOW him Candance!
Stupendous Mans stupendous knowledge lets him complete the test with stupendous speed! 1492! The battle of Lexington! Trotsky! The cotton gin! Another triumph for virtue and right! And now with a whoosh Stupendous Man is off into the sky! So long kids! Always brush your teeth! Kapwinggg! Class did Calvin come in here?! Has anyone seen him? Here I am Miss Wormwood! Boy was I thirsty!
AAAUGHH! Let go! Let go! Youve got the wrong guy! Im Calvin! I didnt do anything wrong! BONK CRASH. I just got a drink of water! You SAID I could! Stupendous Man is the one you want! Im not him! Help! Help! SCRAPE DRAG. Class YOU saw Stupendous Man! Tell Miss Wormwood! ARRGGH! Help! Ive been falsely accused! CRUNCH CLUNK. When Mom asks me how my day at school was I always just say Fine and change the subject. NO! NO!
So the teacher told Mom and Mom hit the roof and took away my costume. Yikes. Um... has Stupendous Man EVER won a battle? Well theyre all MORAL victories. One cant be picky. Oh and I flunked the test too.
Sssss ssssss. If theres more to life than this I dont know what it is.
Theyre snowmen prophets of doom. You certainly take the pleasure out of waiting for daffodils.
ATCHOOO! Uh oh. Im leaking brain lubricant.
Look Hobbes. Theres a quiz in my new issue of Chewing magazine. Does your gum deliver? 10 questions show what you could be missing! Lets see how my gum does. 1. How hard is your gum at the beginning? A) Rock-like or brittle B) Pleasantly firm C) Squishy or bendy. Hmm... my gum is pretty hard at first. Ill mark A. Gosh Ive got a negative five points already! Im not getting all the performance Im entitled to! I wonder what people knew before there were magazine quizzes.
OK youve all read the chapter so lets review. Calvin where was the Byzantine Empire? Ill take Outer Planets for $100.
MOM! WAKE UP! COME QUICK! Whats wrong? Whats the matter? Do you think love is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on? Whatever it is its all thats keeping me from strangling you right now. Moms midnight assurances are never very reassuring.
When youre a kid you dont have much variety of experience. You live with your parents and thats all you know. You grow up thinking whatever they do is normal. Ahh what a day! Up at 6:00 a 10-mile run in the sleet and NOW a big bowl of plain oatmeal! How I love the crazy hedonism of weekends! Well maybe normal is too strong a word. I think wed know normal if we saw it.
Get up Calvin! Im not going to call you again! I bet. Youre going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You dont know the answer? Then sit down. Hey Twinky want to see if theres an afterlife? No you cant go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You dont need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No you cant stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good nights sleep. Tomorrows another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
Rrgggh... 125... Oof. Rrrggh... 5200! Exercise is a lot more gratifying if you count what it FEELS like.
I dont want to get up. I dont want to get dressed. I dont want to wait for the bus. I dont want to go to school. I dont want to listen to the teacher. I dont want to study. I dont want any tests. I dont want any homework. How was your day? It pitched a perfect no-hitter.
You know ther emust be thousands of animal species and of ALL of them only humans wear clothes. Isnt that weird? I wonder why other animals dont wear clothes. If our naked pink butts showed we probably would. Our butts are just fine!
Im going outside. Are you done with your homework? Yes. You read the whole chapter? Lets just leave it that Im done. Back to your room buster.
Ill bet SOME kids walk around corners without even thinking about it. That was a rotten trick.
Gravity must pull especially hard on tigers. Thats an impression we like to cultivate.
Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive its Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson lets have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiffs stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh darn out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
Look at these TV commercials. Each one is a jumble of lightning quick unrelated images and film techniques. It duplicates the effect of rapidly flipping through channels. Its a barrage of non-linear free association. I guess theyre admitting that a 15-second commercial exceeds the American attention span by a good 14 seconds. Huh? Are you still talking about that?
Scientific names? Sure. Scientists come up with great wild theories but then they give them dull unimaginative names. For example scientists think space is full of mysterious invisible mass so what do they call it? DARK matter! Duhh! I tell you theres a fortune to be made here! I like to say quark! Quark quark quark quark! Instead of making an idiot of yourself why dont you go find me some scientists?
Miss Wormwood I protest this C grade! Thats saying I only did an average job! I got 75% of the answers correct and in todays society doing something 75% right is outstanding! If government and industry were 75% competent wed be ecstatic! I wont stand for this artificial standard of performance! I demand an A for this kind of work! I think its really gross how she drings Mallox straight from the bottle.
History will thank me for keeping this journal at such a young age. As one of those rare individuals destined for true greatness this record of my thoughts and convictions will provide invaluable insight into budding genius. Think of it! A priceless historical document in the making! Wow! ... so who ELSE should I add to my list of total jerks? Who else do you even know?
Wait Dad! Ive got a great idea! Dont shave next to your mouth OK? Let the whiskers grow about a foot long and then wax em so they stick straight out! Then youll look like a big cat! Dad didnt think the firm would go for it. Preposterous!
Tiger! Tiger! Burning bright in the forests of the night. Blake wrote that. Apparently the tiger was on fire. Maybe his tail got struck by lightning or something. Flammable felines -- what a weird subject for poetry. That is why I try to sleep through most of the day.
Whenever I need to do some serious thinking I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I dont believe in ethics any more. As far as Im concerned the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the gettings good - thats what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! Its a dog-eat-dog world so Ill do whatever I have to and let others argue about whether its rightor not. HEYY! WHYD YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now youre not. The ends justify the means. I didnt mean for EVERYONE you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
BORRRING. Yeah yeah... Kill the messenger.
Hello county library? Reference desk please. Thank you. Hello? Yes I need a book on painting theory and technique. Specifically Im interested in graffiti. Is there a book that explains the proper use of materials and lists popular dirty words and slogans? What on earth do they spend their money on over there?
Calvin: Memoirs of a Six-Year-Old. My life has been a fascinating series of amazing exploits about which I have many profound insights. But frankly none of it is any of your darn business so butt out! The end. Do publishers demand that manuscripts be typed? I wouldnt sweat it.
AAUGH! The peanut butter is ruined! Youre supposed to scoop one half straight down and then dig out the other side from the bottom so part of the top remains undisturbed until the very end! What on earth for? Its a ritual! You have to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth! Maybe you should make your own sandwiches. If you cant control your peanut butter you cant expect to control your life. Did you cut the bread diagonally?
AAAUGH! AAUGHH! Somethings crawling down my left! Get it out! ... oh its just a couple of pennies. Ive got a hole in my pocket. *Whew* You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running lose in your pants. Another reason not to wear em.
Do you think babies are born sinful? That they come into the world as sinners? No I think theyre just quick studies. Whenever you discuss certain things with animals you get insulted.
Z Z. Boy rough life huh? What have YOU done today?! People!
The TV listings say this movie has adult situations. What are adult situations? Probably things like going to work paying bills and taxes taking responsibilities... Wow! They dont kid around when they say For mature audiences. Ive never understood how those movies make any money.
Miss Wormwood? Yes Calvin? My generation doesnt absorb information this way. Could you reduce everything to factoids? Turn to page 21 class. At least televisions understand us.
I hate it when its this windy. You know what I hate? I hate when Im talking and someone turns the conversation to himself! Its so rude! Why do they think Im talking?! Its so they can hear about ME! Who cares what THEY have to say! If I start a conversation it should stay on the subject of ME! I also hate it when people look at me all bug-eyed. That must happen a lot.
How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol hordes got bored?
No sense putting it off. Its time for spring cleaning. Good for you. What about the HOUSE? What ABOUT the house?
IM HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it you moron! Im not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh I cant WAIT to here THIS one explained.
Its a funny world Hobbes. True. But its not a hilarious world. ...unless you like sick humor. The world is probably funnier to people who dont live here.
Oh good a true or false test! At last some clarity! Every sentence is either pure sweet truth or a vile contemptible lie! One or the other! Nothing in between!
Im at peace with the world. Im completely serene. Why is that? Ive discovered my purpose in life. I know why I was put here and why everything exists. Oh really? Yes I am here so everybody can do what I want. Its nice to have that cleared up. Once everyone accepts it theyll be serene too.
Ahh spring! I say lets move on to summer.
I thrive on change. YOU?! You threw a fit this morning because your Mom put less jelly on your toast than yesterday! I thrive on making OTHER people change.
Eww mud. Look at this gooshy dirty slimy thick wet muck. Blecchh. Talk about a kid magnet.
True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals dont try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals arent conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems they comfort you when youre sad and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* Its so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of a little kindness Id have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
Susie I think its only fair to tell you that there is absolutely no way I would even CONSIDER asking you to the senior prom. Thats eleven YEARS from now! I figure that might give you enough time to find somebody who will. If Id known her longer I couldve given her more notice.
Z. I think tigers are actually classified as liquids. Har har.
F?! It seems to me that if Im not learning this material you must not be a very good teacher! Wogga muk gubba pum wup! Boo! Gop! What??
Is this milk spoiled? Smell it and see. IM not going to smell it! YOU smell it! Oh for goodness sake. Here... its fine. I dont take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire.
Curiosity is the essence of the scientific mind. For example you know how milk comes out your nose if you laugh while drinking? Well Im going to see what happens when I inhale milk INTO my nose and laugh! Idiocy is the essence of the male mind. Im guessing it will shoot out my ears. Dont you want to see??
I think Ill count all the rocks I can find. 400 trillion and three 400 trillion and four 400 trillion and five...Wow I bored myself awake.
Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon its 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? Its Saturday! I dont need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
Want to help me make a poster? Sure. Whats it for? Its a school contest. Were supposed to do traffic safety posters. The winner gets five bucks! Wow! Think of it! Well be rich! And then theres the fame and glory! I tell you this could be our ticket out of this two-bit dump! Sounds good. Whats our winning poster going to say? Thats where YOU come in.
Our traffic safety poster needs a catchy slogan that promotes awareness and caution. Any ideas? How about Dont look into car headlights and freeze because youll either get run over or shot! Ill check the statistics but I dont think that happens to many people. Theres more to this world than just people you know.
Hey Dad Im doing a traffic safety poster. Do you have any ideas for a slogan? Sure! Cyclists have a right to the road too you noisy polluting inconsiderate maniacs! I hope gas goes up to eight bucks a gallon! Thanks Dad. Ill go ask Mom. Why? Thats a GREAT slogan!
Mom suggested the slogan Before you cross look each way... and youll get home safe each day. Thats kind of catchy. Yeah but I like MY idea better. Be careful or be roadkill! I suppose that lends itself more to your particular brand of illustration. I hope I have enough cadmium red.
With my great slogan and your great artwork this traffic safety poster is a shoe-in for first prize! A solid foundation of anatomical study is essential for the artist. What should we spend the prize money on? Of course technical skill alone isnt enough. A picture needs depth of feeling. I think Ill blog it all on jaw breakers and comic books. Ill draw some stars to show pain and human suffering. When youve got talent like ours the world is your oyster.
There! Finished! Hey thats terrific! When we win first prize Ill give you 25% of the winnings. WHAT?! I did all the drawing! YOU should get 25% But it was MY great idea! Well split 60-40. 50-50. Oh all right BE selfish! A good compromise leaves everybody mad.
ATCHOO! Booger balls are illegal! Whap! First base! Fifth! Ninth! Puff puff ELEVENTH! puff TWENTY-FIFTH! Calvins going for home! Too late! Youre out! I think we need to change the rules. Oh you want to play the sissy way now I bet.
Hi Calvin. I see you wasted your time drawing a safety poster for the school contest. I didnt waste my time! Sure you did. The winning entry is right here. The prize is as good as mine. Be careful or be roadkill! Thats really disgusting. Thank you. What IS that all over the drawing? Chunky spaghetti sauce!
Who would like to show his or her traffic poster first? I WOULD! I WOULD! All right Calvin. Step up front. Thank you! My poster says Be careful or be roadkill! Drawn in patent-pending 3-D gore-o-rama this picture will actually attract flies because the drawing is splattered with spaghetti sauce! I can see youre all just sick about your chances of winning.
Well Hobbes all we have to do now is wait for the judges to award our poster first prize and well be rolling in moolah and prestige. You know we really ought to enter more contests. I never realized how much fun it is to win! But we havent won YET. But we WILL and then everyone will know how great we are. Dont they already? Oh you know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it.
Look Calvin My poster WON! HUH?!
Our poster didnt win? I still cant believe it. What a miscarriage of justice! This contest was a joke! Obviously the judges were biased against us from the start! Well the important thing is that we tried our best. The IMPORTANT thing is that we LOST! Oops I always forget the purpose of competition is to divide people into winners and losers. Whats the point of trying if you cant be a winner?
Dad my poster didnt win the contest! I think the judges were on the take and the whole thing was rigged! I want you to call the school board have them declare a fraud and make them take the prize away from Susie and give it to ME! Calvin losing is a part of life. You should learn to be a good sport about it and keep things in perspective. After all winning isnt everything. Is that really what they believe on the planet youre from? Youve been watching athletic shoe ads again havent you?
The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again the undisputed king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity the monster begins its feast! Limb-severing bone-crushing and tendon-snapping he ... Calvin! Thats disgusting! For heavens sake slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating mortified that someone might see him.
I know more about the private lives of celebrities than I do about any governmental policy that will actually affect me. Im interested in things that are none of my business and Im bored by things that are important to know. The media aim to please. Maybe the economy should be discussed in cheap motel rooms.
A million things that bug me. 1. Dried-out catsup on the bottle rim. 2. Toast crumbs in the butter. 3. Mushy bananas. 4. Worms on the sidewalk. 5. Skin on pudding. 6. Making a hand gesture for quotation marks. 7. Raisins. How about excessively negative people? Yeah thats a good one. ...HEY!
Want to see me juggle? I can keep a dozen eggs in the air at once! HUHH! ACKPTH! Notice I didnt say I could do it for very long. This rug must need a thicker pad.
This tiger is sprawled so still and so flat a question arises when glancing thereat. Is he asleep? To be perfectly frank he looks more as if he was creamed by a tank! AAAUGH
Do you believe in evolution? No. You dont think humans evolved from monkeys? I sure dont see any difference. Woo hoo hoo!
Theres nothing good on TV. Then turn it off. Turn it OFF?? You mean I should just sit here staring at a blank screen all day?! Oh.
I cant sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime the world always seem so big and scary and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HES asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what hes dreaming about. Good ol Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when youve got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
Lets find some slugs and worms. Why do we want to find slugs and worms? Because theyre gross. Thats why one AVOIDS slugs and worms. If we avoid them we cant dare each other to eat one. Toodle-oo. Whats the matter with you?! You dont like FUN?!
Hey Susie! Do you dare me to eat this worm?? Just one? Um... well yeah. Dont you think thats disgusting? See him wriggle? Eating five at once would be disgusting. I dont know about just one. You want me to eat FIVE?! Geeeez! Whod have thought disgust would be so inflationary?!
OK Susie I got five worms. But it will cost you 50 cents to see me eat them. 50 cents?! Id only pay 50 cents if you ate 50 worms. Thats a penny a worm. Right. Ill give you a nickel to eat those five. Five cents?! What if I have to go to the hospital because of this? Oh all right. Ill throw in another nickel if you go to the hospital. ...not so fast! First prove you even HAVE two nickels!
OK give me the nickel and Ill eat the worms. No you eat the worms and THEN Ill give you the nickel. How about two cents up front and the rest upon completing the job? Sorry! You dont get paid until you do the work. Man youd think the guy eating the worms would be calling the shots! Usually if youre calling any shots youre not eating worms.
Ready? Five worms down the hatch! Here goes! Closer... closer... wriggling squirming dirty slimy worms! Closer... closer! Boy theyre really close now! How revolting! Closer... closer! Um... feel free to run away screaming any time. Not with my nickel at stake.
Calvin WHAT are you doing? Im eating worms for a nickel! No youre not! Time for you to come home! And Susie its mean to take advantage of kids with no common sense. AW MOM YOU SPOIL EVERYTHING! What a relief! Thanks Mom. Great timing. If I havent seen you for two minutes I figure theres trouble.
How long till youre done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... Im bored. Theres nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? Its a beautiful summer day! Youve got the whole outdoors to play in! If you cant find something to do its because you havent tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
Little joys of life. 1. Reading a new comic book. 2. Petting a happy dog. 3. Getting a letter in the mail. 4. Eating the marshmallows in hot chocolate. 5. Smiling when a big kid calls you a nasty name... and then punching his teeth straight down his ugly neck. You really pull the ol heartstrings. Some of these I havent personally experienced sad to say.
Look Hobbes. This world is kind of like TV. A casual observer might even confuse the two. But if you notice here the colors are less intense and the people are uglier. Also I see that several minutes can go by without a single car chase explosion murder or pat personal exchange. Why settle for less hmm? Shh. This is my favorite deodorant commercial.
Youre a bat-faced bug-eyed booger-nosed baloney-brained beetle-butt! This volunteer social work just isnt for me.
Today for show and tell Ive brought in some flash cards I made. Each card has a letter followed by several dashes. When I show you the card you yell the vulgar obscene or blasphemous word they stand for! ...Ready? Shes such a hypocrite about building vocabulary.
I believe personal greed justifies everything. Also private lives are legitimate public entertainment. And the lowest common denominator is always right! Do I have career options or what? I think I need to start hanging around with other animals.
Ooh! Ahh! Eee! POP. It couldve happened! Only corn does that. Add some cold water and get back in the tub.
Historical marker. Calvins house. In January some 40 snowmen met a gruesome fate on this spot. Every day I look for a moving van here. Knock knock. Great moons of neptune! A fool mortal female! Calvin? IM not Calvin! Im Stupendous Man! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppressions! Uh huh. What are you doing? I was just about to use my stupendous powers to liberate some cookies being held hostage on the top shelf of the pantry! Now if youll excuse me duty calls! SLAM! A blot of crimson streaks across the sky! The man of mega-might is off to save the day! Did they have an egg you could borrow? No one was home Mom.
Im not going to school any more. Oh? Nope! Ive decided to be a hunter-gatherer when I grow up! Ill be living naked in a tropical forest subsisting on berries grubs and the occasional frog and spend my free time grooming for lice! All the experts say its bad parenting to squelch a kids ambitions.
Miss Wormwood I have a question about this math lesson. Yes? Give that sooner or later were all just going to die whats the point of learning about integers? Turn to page 83 class. Nobody likes us big picture people.
The problem with people is they dont look at the big picture. Eventually were going to die our species will go extinct the sun will explode and the universe will collapse. Existence is not only temporary its pointless! Were all doomed and worse nothing matters! I see why people dont like to look at the big picture. Well it puts a bad day in perspective.
Miss Wormwood could we arrange our seats in a circle and have a little discussion? Specifically Id like to debate whether cannibalism ought to be grounds for leniency in murders since its less wasteful. For some reason theyd rather teach us stuff that any fool can look up in a book.
I flunked a test today. But I dont mind. No? Its a question of priorities Hobbes. A mans got to make room for what he cares about. These days are precious and Id rather spend them goofing around than studying. I never really thought of ignorance as a quality of life issue. Apparently neither has Dad.
You know why birds dont write their memoirs? Because birds dont lead epic lives thats why! Whod want to read what a bird does? Nobody thats who! This is changing the subject but have you ever noticed how somebody can say something totally loony and not be aware of it? What are you supposed to do just let it slide?? Sometimes if you wait hell top himself. I say just punch im then and there!
Oh no! Everything has suddenly turned neo-cubist! It all started when Calvin engaged his Dad in a minor debate! Soon Calvin could see both sides of the issue! Then poor Calvin began to see both sides of EVERYthing! The traditional single viewpoint has been abandoned! Perspective has been fractured! The multiple views provide too much information! Its impossible to move! Calvin quickly tries to eliminate all but one perspective! It works! The world falls into recognizable order! Youre still wrong Dad.
Want to hear a joke? Sure! OK this guy goes into a bar. No wait he doesnt do that yet. Or maybe its a grocery store. OK it doesnt matter. Lets say its a bar. Hes somewhere in the vicinity of a bar right? So anyway theres this dog and he says something odd I dont remember but this other guy says um well I forget but it was funny. Ill try to imagine it. Yeah youll really laugh.
Hello? Hello. Is your mother home? What business is it of YOURS jerk?! SLAM! Some people sure are nosy. I left three messages today and nobody returned my call. How rude.
I think we should get an answering machine. Ugh I dont. If you have a machine you feel obligated to return a bunch of calls youd rather not have received in the first place. WITHOUT a machine you can just let the phone ring and eventually the caller gives up and you dont have to talk to him. That wasnt quite my point. Thats the problem at work. The secretaries wont ignore the phone so Im always talking to people.
The more you think about things the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink COW milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said I think Ill drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze em!? Isnt that weird? I think conversation should be kept to a minimum until afternoon.
Ive been disempowered. My centering self-actualizing anima has been impacted by toxic co-dependent dysfunctionality! Youve been temporarily inconvenienced. Take out the trash. ARE YOU SAYING THERES A DIFFERENCE?!
Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL WHEN...
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Dad what causes wind? Trees sneezing. Really?? No but the truth is more complicated. The trees are really sneezing today.
What do you think that cloud looks like? A bunch of suspended water and ice particles... why? Everybody hates a literalist.
Mom can I have the car keys? No. Can you believe the encyclopedia doesnt have an entry for hotwire?
When I spit I get pretty good saliva cohesion but Im still not getting much distance or accuracy. I think the problem lies in the mix of phlegm. If you dont get that critical mucus mass you just... ...Hobbes? Nobody likes to hear about a hobby.
You know what I like to do when someones talking to me? I stare at the persons chin. Ill nod and respond to whatever hes saying. But I keep looking at his chin and changing my expression. I look quizzical at first then vaguely repulsed and later quietly amused. Then Ill suddenly arch my eyebrows and blink a lot and then I look skeptical and disbelieving. You get bonus points every time the person loses his train of thought. Ill bet your natural charm has made you a good sprinter.
Oh Calvin would you please empty this in the garage trash can? Boy some vacation THIS summer is!
What if theres no afterlife? Suppose this is all we get? Oh what the heck. Ill take it anyway. Yeah but if Im not going to be eternally rewarded for good behavior Id sure like to know NOW.
Phup phupp phup PHBBTTB. Hey that was a GOOD one! Thank you. Its funny how you never see Mom and Dad practice these. Phup phup. Theyre probably good at it already.
I watched an old movie with Mom last night. It didnt have any violence explosive action or swearing. There was nothing shocking about it at all. Did you like it? Its hard to say. Not having my emotions manipulated is such a weird experience.
Thursday Day 4. Light winds good humidity. Progress slow getting discouraged. Im only burping - not truly BELCHING. Mellow roundness remains elusive. Harmonics coming along with developing amplitude. Hang in there! They say you should keep a log when you take up a sport.
The literary world is abuzz about Mabel Syrups sequel to Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. We have to buy it! Its called Commander Coriander Salamander and er Singlehander Bellylander! Achitects should be forced to live in the buildings they design and childrens book authors should be forced to read their stories aloud every single night of their rotten lives.
Hobbes is laughing in his sleep. Hee hee he. Psst! Whats so funny? Zzz... shh Im going to pounce on Calvin... zz... hee hee... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE CALVIN!
Another one of THESE days. Uh oh! In another of lifes mysterious quirks Calvin finds himself an inch tall on the writing desk! His only hope is to tear off a sheet from a nearby pad of paper! At his tiny size folding the sheet is difficult but soon Calvins patience is rewarded. He pushes off and catches a small thermal rising up the front of the desk! A gust from an open window sends Calvin soaring across the house! Theres Dad! Lean! Lean! Yes! Calvin is able to steer! THIS should get Dads attention! I dont need parents. All I need is a recording that says Go play outside!
Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do they tell me to stop it. Im not sure that total self-indulgence is really a principle.
Like delicate lace so the threads intertwine Oh gossamer web of wondrous design! Such beauty and grace wild nature produces... Ughh look at the spider suck out that bugs juices!
I read that scientists are trying to make computers that THINK. Isnt that weird?? If computers can think what will people be better at than machines? Irrational behavior. Maybe theyll invent a psychotic computer.
I need a push! Somebody come and give me a push! RRRGGHHH. Where the heck is the manual override?!
If you stick your tongue out for a long time it dries up! Try it! Why would anyone want his tongue to dry up?! Because then it feels really weird when you touch it. Ill take your word for it. Some people just arent open to revelatory experiences.
ZZIZZZZ WHIPP FLIP ZZZZ ZZZZ FWAP! ZIPPPP ZZZZZ. The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no application in real life.
Another day another dollar... ...another irreplaceable chunk out of a finite and rapidly passing lifetime. What a beautiful summer day... and Ive got to spend it in an office. Brother. It seems like Im always rushing off and never taking the time to enjoy days like this. Id sure like to have a quiet day around the house. No traffic no schedule no phone calls... boy that would be great. I could spend some time with Calvin read a book go on a bike ride... Maybe I should take the day off. The world wouldnt end if I didnt go into the office today. Days like this dont come often and life is short. Hi Dad. Bye Dad. AUGHH. YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THESE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO!! I MEAN NOW!
Can you make a living playing silly games? Actually you can be among the most overpaid people on the planet. ...sighhh...
I am the worlds most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Why does the worlds most powerful computer wear little red sneakers?
I am the worlds most powerful computer. Ask me a question. Did Calvin clean his room as I asked him to or did he spend the whole morning playing with a cardboard box? Um... system error... delete question and try again. What happened? Mom booted me up here.
From now on Im not doing anything I dont want to do! The world OWES me happiniess fulfillment and success. Well lucky you! Yeah Im just here to cash in.
What assurance do I have that parenting isnt screwing me up?
Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room? I tried. But I couldnt lift it! GET IT?? AH HA HA HA HA HA! For some reason the sound of childrens laughter doesnt make Mom sentimental.
How long till youre done? At least 15 minutes. Plus drying. ...sighhhh... Im bored. Theres nothing to do. Nothing to do?!? Its a beautiful summer day! Youve got the whole outdoors to play in! If you cant find something to do its because you havent tried. Go on! Use some imagination! My upbringing is filled with inconsistent messages.
Gorgeous morning. Huh Dad? Mm. These summer days sure slip by dont they? Too bad the daily drudgery of making a living has to keep you from appreciating these sublime moments of life. Well best not to think about it! If you stay healthy you can enjoy days like this when you retire! See you tonight! Ahhh. Summer!
Look what Ive got! What is it? Its the box a bar of soap comes in. Its a tradition that when you harangue the multitudes you stand on a soap box. Youd probably be more impressive if you tried using the soap. Let me know if you see any multitudes.
I have a very sarcastic mother.
My elbows are grass-stained Ive got sticks in my hair Im covered with bug bites and cuts and scratches... Ive got sand in my socks and leaves in my shirt my hands are sticky with sap and my shoes are soaked! Im hot dirty sweaty itchy and tired. I say consider this day seized! Tomorrow well seize the day and throttle it!
I saw your teacher Miss Wormwood in the supermarket today. She said to say Hi. You saw Miss Wormwood?? She shops at the supermarket? Well certainly. What did you think? I dunno... I kinda figured teachers slept in coffins all summer.
WHAP. Dont ask dumb questions. Just ring y doorbell hold the bat and yell Ha ha! Why is that worth ten cents to you?
Call it. Heads. You said Tails right? I said HEADS. What a play! Ill bet it takes you four downs just to get back on the field! I think football is a sport the way ducks think hunting is a sport.
We dont understand what really causes events to happen. History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. Thats why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices. So what are you writing? A revisionist autobiography.
A painting. Moving. Spiritually enriching. Sublime ... high art! The comic strip. Vapid. Juvenile. Commercial hack work ... low art. A painting of a comic strip panel. Sophisticated irony. Philosophically challenging. ... high art. Suppose I draw a cartoon of a painting of a comic strip? Sophomoric. Intellectually sterile. ...low art.
MOMM! HEY MOM! Calvin stop yelling across the house! If you want to talk to me walk over to the living room where I am! I stepped in dog doo. Wheres the hose?
Heres a bug plodding resolutely across the dirt. Put a rock in his way and he just goes around it. Flip him on his back and he rights himself and continues on his way. Hes focused determined and steadfast. If hes mocking me Im gonna goosh him.
YOWP! AHH! OOH! What a dumb ride on the hottest days you need the heaviest pands.
I hate going to bed before its dark out! Its not fair! Ill show Mom and Dad though! Theyll pay for this! If I have to go to bed while its still light then Im going to get up when its still dark!
To make instant fun... ...just add water! Heh heh heh FWOOSH. Hee hee. Looking for someone? Uh who? ME? Ha ha ha ha ha! Um no-o. I mean yes... but someone ELSE. Heh heh. Not you. Heres a hypothetical questionyou should ask yourself. If you knew today was your last day on earth what would you do different? ... ESPECIALLY if bu doing something DIFFERENT today might NOT be your last day on earth. I dont think that question was very hypothetical at all.
Jump jump jump jump jump jump jump jump! Ahh youve fallen into my trap! Maybe youd like to take that move over! Your remaining piece must have one heck of a plan.
These real-life video programs are great! Here are ordinary people having actual horrible experiences which are broadcast nationwide for the publics viewing amusement! Its intrusion exploitation and voyeurism all in one! You never know where a video camera will be! Everythings fair game! Whod have guessed big brother would go commercial? I love to snicker at other peoples tragedy.
Dad whats a control freak? Thats what lazy slipshod careless cut-corner workers call anyone who cares enough to do something right. Am I in the presence of their king? Should I kneel? If anything works in this world its because one of us took charge.
SPLOOSH! AAA! No! Wait! Think about it! Wasnt that refreshing?? I need to work on my salesmanship.
Mom says if I stay up here for two hours three days a week I dont have to take any lessons this summer.
I like people. Im interested in people. YOU?? As an audience I mean. Oh.
I got a goal! OH the score is oogy to boogy. I leady HAD oogy! You just ran into the invisible sector! You have to cover your eyes now because everything is invisible to yoU! Invisible sector?? I didnt know we had an invisible sector! Where is it? You cant see it. Its invisible. How do I know I went in it then? You cant see anything right? OK so how do I get out? Somebody bonks you with the calvinball. I get another point! HEY! OW! WHY YOU... That was a rotten rule! I decree no more invisible sectors! ... in fact Ill show YOU! YOU just ran into a vortex spot! You have to spin around until you fall down! Sorry this vortex spot is in the boomerang zone so the vortex turns to whoever calls it! YOU spin! THATS NOT FAIR! You know the calvinball rules. Yeah yeah anything we make up. Well youll pay for this. This game lends itself to certain abuses. Guess how you get out of the boomerang zone!
This meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will now come to order! First tiger Hobbes will read the minutes of our last meeting. Thank you. 9:30 - Meeting called to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin proposes resolution condemning existence of girls. 9:35 - First tiger Hobbes abstains from vote. Motion fails. 9:36 - Patriotism of first tiger called into question. 9:37 - Philosophical discussion. 10:15 - Bandages administered. Dictator-for-life rebuked for biting. Is this a great club or what? 10:16 - Forgot what the debate was about. Medals of bravery awarded to all parties.
Gentlemen the purpose of todays meeting is to devise another brilliant plan to annoy our enemy! Dictator-for-life Calvins bold proposal is greeted with huzzahs from membership. We have tolerated the enemys presence too long I say! Shouts of asset much pounding on tables. Three cheers erupt for club ideals. Membership reduced to tears. More huzzahs. Pandemonium ensues. Boy leading a club is a heady experience. Good meetings always turn into riots.
Field scout Calvin reports the enemy was sighted. Engaged in emeny activity on the sidewalk two doors down. As chief strategist I suggest... Excuse me. A question from the floor. The chair recognizes first tiger Hobbes. Exactly what enemy activity was the enemy engaged in? You know girl stuff! Ah. Say no more.
All right heres the plan! We make up a fake code with fake instructions and see that it accidentally falls into Susies hands! She decodes the message which says we DONT want her to go behind our house! Naturally shell go there and well be waiting ready to soak her with water balloons! Why dont we just hit her with water balloons right now where shes sitting? Youre a good officer Hobbes. But lets face it you dont have an executive mind. I still think my idea SORT of makes sense...
Now this is supposed to look like a coded message from me to you but well leave it for Susie to find. Obviously the code will have to be easy to break so she can read the disinformation were giving her. Who about if we write backwards? Yeah thats good! Dear Hobbes. Gosh I hope Susies not too dumb to figure this out. Cracking codes is second nature to cool spies like us.
TOP SECRET. DEAR HOBBES IF SUSIE GOES BEHIND OUR HOUSE AT NOON ALL OUR SECRET PLANS WILL BE RUINED! CALVIN. There! Once Susie decodes this message shell be lured to our water balloon trap! What a great plan! My only regret is blowing the best day of my life while Im so young.
Buttons... check. Dials... check. Switches... check. Little colored lights... check. Calvin the airline pilot is tenth in life for takeoff. His patience is at an end! Ignoring the control towers protests Calvin guns the engines and passes the other planes cutting across less crowded runways! Rounding a corner he opens the throttle! Stewardesses explaining the aircrafts safety features are hurled to the rear of the plane by the sudden acceleration! All the other planes watch with envy as Calvin takes off ahead of schedule! But what is this?! Another plane has already recieved clearance to land! Its headed for the same runway! It looks like a mid-air collission over a crowded super highway at rush hour! Oh what a price to pay for his hurry! Im back! Thanks for waiting so patiently. I could wait even longer if youd buy me a THIRD plane.
Good! Susies still playing on the sidewalk! Well stroll by and accidentally drop the coded message. Yes Hobbes I have a TOP SECRET CODED letter for you here! Verrrry mysterious! Verrry secret! Just make sure the note doesnt fall into a GIRLS hands! If the code is broken and read our plans will be ruined! We did it! Ha! Everything is going perfectly! ...Except shes not picking up the letter.
Why isnt Susie picking up the coded message?! Doesnt she SEE it?? Whats WRONG with her?! Doesnt she know enough to intercept somebody elses secret letter when its dropped right in front of her?? Maybe she wasnt paying attention to us. Thats inconceivable! Who wouldnt be interested in everything we do?!
Look! Susie sees the letter! Shes picking it up! Shes reading the envelope! ... shes walking over here... You dropped this letter for Hobbes. Here. Um... gee thanks. Well that was awfully decent of her. Its no use! Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except ME!
Lets stroll over THIS way ONCE AGAIN Hobbes! Yes lets! Its a good think you have that TOP SECRET CODED letter Hobbes! It would be awful if you happened to DROP it near SUSIE one more time! If I were SUSIE and I FOUND THE LETTER Id PICK IT UP AND DECODE IT so I could RUIN ALL OUR PLANS! That would sure be BAD for US! It worked! Shes opening the letter! Good. I was afraid wed have to hit her on the head and read it to her.
This must be the coded letter Calvins trying to get me to read. Hmph not much of a code... just backward letters! I can read it through the back of the page. Dear Hobbes if Susie goes behind our house at noon all our secret plans will be ruined. Calvin. Gosh its almost noon! Id better hurry over to Calvins house if I want to spoil his plans! Wheee! Ha ha! She fell for it! Cmon Hobbes hurry!
Oh boy this is going to be great! Get the water balloons! Hurry! Weve got to hide before Susie gets here. Ha ha! She swallowed that fake letter hook line and sinker! She thinks shes tricking US but well trick HER! Were geniuses Hobbes! Hee hee! Man is she in for a surprise! I wonder whats keeping her. She probably got lost.
Calvin? Calvin? Calvin! Hmm... the engines making funny noises. Spaceman Spiff is going down over Planet Gork! Zounds! The planet is inhabited! An alien metropolis opens up before our heros eyes! Spiffs stabilizers refuse to respond! Our hero is going to crazh! THIS SPELLS DISASTER! CALVIN! ..uh... D... I... S... A... S... T... E... R. Very good. Im glad you were paying attention. YES! Once again the incredible Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day! You may sit down Calvin.
Its past noon! Why isnt Susie walking into our brilliant ambush?! Where is she?! You stay here and guard the water balloons. Ill go on a reconnaissance mission and find out what shes doing. Wait a minute. Why cant I go on the reconnaissance mission? Because if you get captured youll tell Susie anything for a tummy rub. I MIGHT not!
You cant trust a girl to do anything right! We go to all this trouble to lure Susie into this trap and she doesnt shop up! As soon as I find out where she is Ill get Hobbes and the water balloons and well let her have it! If she wont come to the ambush well bring the ambush to her! Five... four... three... two...
AAUGGH! OH NO! AIEE! ACKPTH! BLUBPLUB PLPPTTB! This doesnt go in the club log understood? It never happened. Since youre already wet it would be a shame not to use these water balloons.
Its a dark day for the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club. Our great plan backfired and IM the one who got soaked! Oh the shame! The ignominy! ...sighhhh... If you resign can I be dictator-for-life? I DIDNT SAY I WAS RESIGNING!
Well Hobbes the battle may have been lost but the war goes on! This afternoon well devise a bigger better and even more complicated scheme and revenge will be ours! The spirit of G.R.O.S.S.ness cannot be extinguished! ...and for courage in the face of setbacks I award us bottle caps of valor! Yayy! A good meeting always ends with us getting new medals! This is SUCH a great club!
Here Calvin I brought some lunch for you and Hobbes. Gee thanks Mom. What do you say we break out the comic books while we think up our big plans? Oh boy! Its looking like a good afternoon ol buddy. I love summer.
Uh oh. Here comes Susie. Try not to breathe in. Here Calvin. Whats this? Its an invtiation. Mr. Bun is hosting a milk and cookie party in ten minutes and you and Hobbes are invited. WE DECLINE! We wouldnt attend if you PAID us! Weve got better things to do than sit around with GIRLS and dumb toy animals! Fine! DONT come! Who cares? What a jerk. ...I went to all this trouble too. Dont be disappointed Mr. Bun. We can have a nice party all by ourselves. Phooey. Ha! We showed HER! All girls should be shipped to Pluto - thats what I say. I wonder what kind of cookies they were. YOU CAME! We dont ATTEND parties. We just CRASH em!
This is Dads idea of taking us to the beach.
Yep thats a pretty good cow impression. From now on thats how I eat salads.
All right heres a nickel. What do I get? Nothing. I just ripped you off. WHAT?! Thats life!
Oh Mom? I just remembered. Some lady called you about an hour ago. Did you get her name and number? No... Well how am I supposed to call her back?! You dont need to. Shes still on the line.
Nothing for me... nothing for me... Phooey. The mails here.
Yesterday Dad told me not to eat a pepper because it was hot ... so I ate the whole thing in two bites. Man was I ever in agony! I was ricocheting off the walls all night! I thought I was going to explode! I gotta get a stunt double.
Well! Peanut butter! ... or so it SEEMS. Did you see that? Hmm? What? My sandwich wiggled! Theres something ALIVE in it! Oh stop it Calvin. Im not kidding! Mom must be trying to kill me! I bet theres a slug in my peanut butter! Eww! Hmm... I dont FEEL any slugs in here. What could it be? Id better smell it. AUGH! AUGH! ITS GOT MY NOSE!! THE PEANUT BUTTER ITSELF IS ALIVE! ITS OOZING UP MY FACE! ITS GOING TO SUCK OUT MY EYEBALLS! HELP! RRGH! MMF! BLRGHGH! I got it off! Quick! Drown it in chocolate milk! Boy what a close call THAT was! Wont MOM be disappointed to see her little plot FAILED! Look at you! Ive never SEEN anything so revolting! Whats wrong with you?! Im eating somewhere else. Girls are so weird.
If I could just lead to ride that bicycle I could go all sorts of places. I could cover miles in no time at all! I could go anywhere! I could... AAAAAAAAA I could go to heaven. You? I doubt it.
OK bike listen up! I dont like you and you dont like me. But IVE got the tools to reduce you to piles of pipes sprockets and ball bearings! Do we understand each other? AAAAAAA. Maybe altogether too well.
Dad Will You Put A Bell On My Bike? I Think You Should Learn How To Ride Before You Worry About Having A Bell To Ring. Not THAT Kind Of Bell! I Want One Thatll Warn Me When The Darn Bikes Sneaking Up On Me!
I know why Dad got me that bike! Hes trying to bump me off! He knows the bike will stop at nothing to kill me. Dad figures pretty soon Ill have my head through a tree trunk and hell have some peace and quiet! IM on to him! I suppose thats easier than sending you to camp and moving. Well sure what if the house didnt sell?
That cloud does impressions!
Calvin would you set the table for me please? Mm... I dont think so. Im not enthusiastic about setting the table. I dont think you should have to do something unless youre enthusiastic about it.
OK I opened the door to your room. Now whats the big surprise? Uh... nothing. Try my closet.
I originally thought I was going to be a teen idol. Oh? Then I thought why wait until Im a teen-ager?! I want to be idolized NOW! Then you should probably blow your nose more regularly. Want an autographed 8x10 glossy?
Im a genius but Im a misunderstood genius. Whats misunderstood about you? Nobody thinks Im a genius.
At this room time enters a no-passing zone.
Let go of me ya big galoot! Why dont you pick on somebody your own size?! Theyd hit back. ...I guess that has a certain unethical logic to it...
Thats it! Im through learning today! See you all tomorrow! I think IM a better judge of when Im through.
Dad whats it like being a grown-up? Well its not too different from being a kid... ...except youre more attached to your toys.
Hows your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework hmm? Thats a new one. Im lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
What a day. I feel like Ive been run over by a train. KAPOW! I mean NOW I feel like that. See? You should always save hyperbole until you really need it.
Today for show and tell I have an utterly amazing whistle! Ill demonstrate. TWEEEET. Whats so amazing about THAT?! It sounds like an ordinary whistle to ME! It can only be heard by ugly cretins. Ill get you at recess Calvin.
What if somebody calls us a pair o pathetic peripatetics? Ive never heard of anybody taking the trouble to rhyme weird insults. But shouldnt we have a ready retort?
Im doing a crossword puzzle. Number three across says Bird. Hmm... Ive got it! Yellow-bellied sapsucker! But there are only five boxes. I know. These idiots make you write real small.
Youre dead at recess Twinky. I feel sorry for you Moe. You must have some serious personal problems if this is how you relate to people. POW. Then again maybe hes just a world-class poop head.
OH NO! I OVERSLEPT! I GOTTA GET UP! But its Saturday. Well sure. If this was a school day what would I care?
Wow honey youre missing a beautiful sunset out here. Ill count to 10 and then... POW! Dad how come old photographs are always black and white? Didnt they have color film back then? Sure they did. In fact those old photographs ARE in color. Its just that the WORLD was black and white then. Really? Yep. The world didnt turn color until sometime in the 1930s and it was pretty grainy color for a while too. Thats really weird. Well truth is stranger than fiction. But then why are old PAINTINGS in color?! If the world was black and white wouldnt artists have painted it that way? Not necessarily. A lot of great artists were insane. But... but how could they have painted in color anyway? Wouldnt their paints have been shades of gray back then? Of course but they turned colors like everything else did in the 30s. So why didnt old black and white photos turn color too? Because they were color pictures of black and white remember? The world is a complicated place Hobbes. Whenever it seems that way I take a nap in a tree and wait for dinner.
Your new polls are in Dad. Mm. A vast majority of household six-year-olds say youre not living up to their expectations of fatherhood. What were their expectations? That youd be more like an automatic teller machine. Where do you pollsters find these respondents?
The more you know the harder it is to take decisive action. Once you become informed you start seeing complexities and shades of gray. You realize that nothing is as clear and simple as it first appears. Ultimately knowledge is paralyzing. Being a man of action I cant afford to take that risk. Youre ignorant. But at least you act on it.
Have you been reading about the electronic superhighway? Pretty soon computers telephones and TVs will all be hooked together to bring instantaneous interactive communication right into our homes! But Dad says he liked it better when you had to communicate by mail and you knew you wouldnt hear back from anybody for at least a week. Of course your Dad thinks transportation shouldve stopped with the bicycle. Im a 21st century kid trapped in a 19th century family.
Wait! Dont hit me! Theres something on your back! Im sure. Im serious! Its a note! Your Mom mustve pinned it on your shirt. Whats it say? It says Somebody run this boy over with a truck. If Im going to get clobbered I like to deserve it.
My watch tells the time the day and the date. It doesnt tell what month it is though. I need a watch that tells the month. I suppose they figure if you dont know what month it is youre not the type whod wear a watch.
Mom wants to know if wed like to go to the zoo today. Can we tour a prison afterward? No thanks.
Ive been thinking Hobbes. On a weekend? Well it wasnt on purpose... I believe history is a force. Its unalterable tide sweeps all people and institutions along its unrelenting path. Everything and everyone serves historys single purpose. And what is that purpose? Why to produce ME of course! Im the end result of history. YOU? Think of it! Thousands of generations lived and died to produce my exact specific parents whose reason for being obviously was to produce ME. All history up to this point has been spent preparing the world for my presence. Hmm 4.5 billion years probably wasnt long enough. Now Im here and history is vindicated. So now that historys brought you what are you going to do? Ooh you wascawwy wabbit!
Psst Susie! Whats the answer to question two? Eli Whitney and the cotton gin. But this is a math problem. Its a trick question. How come YOU wrote something different? Im going to get this question wrong so it wont look like you copied. Wow thanks! Oh I ow it to you.
OK thats how well do kickoffs. Go with what works I guess.
Ooh wook at da big stwipey putty! Is oo a fuzzy fwiendwy putty?? Tigers dont like to be called putties.
If heaven is good and if I like to be bad how am I supposed to be happy there? How will you get to heaven if you like to be bad? Lets say I didnt DO what I WANTED to do. Suppose I led a blameless life! Suppose I denied my true dark nature! Im not sure I have that much imagination. Maybe heaven is a place where youre ALLOWED to be bad!
Calvin your test was an absolute disgrace! Its obvious you havent read any of the material. Our first President was NOT Chef Boy-Ar-Dee and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers! I just dont test well.
Look Hobbes! If you dry your teeth you can curl your upper lip and it will stick! See? Then you take a piece of tape... ...and use it to pull your nostrils up! Cool huh? Wow! Ill be if you showed your Dad hed go to work like that! YEAH!
Thats our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
I love my school books. Just think! Pretty soon well have read ALL of this! I like to read ahead and see what were going to learn next. Its so exciting to know stuff. Having a book is like having a good friend with you. If you flip the pages of MY book an animated T.Rex drives the batmobile and explodes! Sometimes I think books are the only friends worth having.
I dont need to study! I dont need to learn! I can always get by on my good looks and charm! I dont hear you concurring hairball breath. Tell me is it static electricity that makes your hair do that?
I got a smiley face sticker on my quiz. Whoop-de-doo for you. What did YOU get? None of your darn business! You got a frowny face didnt you? NO as a matter of fact I didnt! I didnt even know they MADE barfing face stickers.
Miss Wormwood Im not going to learn this material unless you make it enthralling. I see. And what will you do if the rest of your life doesnt entertain you every minute? What ... you think Ill live in someplace that doesnt get cable?!
Love the sinner and hate the sin. Uh oh...
Hey nice moustache! Thanks. I made it. Very bushy. What did you use for the hair?
Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? Theres a big shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! Well give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on Ill check. Yeah its fresh. HOBBES DONT LISTEN TO THEM!!
Nowadays ads dont just sell a product. They sell an attitude! Look at this one! Heres a cool guy saying nobody tells him what to do. He does whatever he wants and he buys this product as a reflection of that independence. So basically this maverick is urging everyone to express his individuality through conformity in brand-name selection? Well it sounded more defiant the way HE said it. Mm.
Heres another ad with attitude. This guy didnt like his job so he quit and now he climbs rocks! See hes his own man! He grabs life by the throat and lives on his own terms! If he quit his job I wonder how he affords those expensive athletic shoes hes advertising. Maybe his Mom bought them for him. I hope shell pay his medical bills when he falls off that rock.
OW!! Mmf! Ngghh! Rrrrggg! FWOPP.
IM SIGNIFICANT! Screamed the dust speck.
The days are getting colder. Yes. BUGS ARE DYING BY THE TRUCKLOAD! HA HA HA! GOOD RIDDANCE TO EM ALL! I like fall.
Made in Gods own image yes sir! God must have a goofy sense of humor.
Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DONT SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! ILL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello local navy recruitment office? Yes this is an emergency...
Another touchdown for me! Couldnt you chase me toward the other goal for once?
See? SEE?? I DID hang up my coat! Its right there just like I said! I was right and you were wrong. OK OK Im sorry. Forgive me. Heh heh heh! Another tally mark for today. You dont need to keep score!
Everybody seeks happiness! Not ME though! Thats the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isnt good enough for me! I demand euphoria! The problem with you Hobbes is youre always at a loss for words. Ive found that saves many a friendship.
Here I am happy and content. ...but not euphoric. So now Im no longer content. Im unhappy. My day is ruined. I need to stop thinking while Im ahead.
Is hamburger meat made out of people from Hamburg? Of course not! Its ground beef. Im eating a COW? Right. I dont think I can finish this.
Did you see where it landed? Look for the crater. Are we a little scared of the ball?
Thank you Claire. That was very good. ... all right whod like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration Ive re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! Its coloration here is somewhat conjectural. Ill be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly Ill be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes and in a matter of weeks prestige fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! Ill employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! Ill crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! Im now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
Hold it Moe! Before you wallop me Im afraid youll have to sign this form. Whats this? Its a statement acknowledging responsibility for your behavior. You agree that hitting me entitles me to unlimited compensation for medical treatment as well as reasonable damages for pain and suffering. You affirm that youre insured for these costs and... Nobody takes responsibility for his actions any more.
Here Dad. Id like you to sign this form and have it notarized. I the undersigned Dad attest that I have never parented before and insofar as I have no experience in the job ... ...I am liable for my mistakes and I agree to pay for any counseling in perpetuity Calvin may require as a result of my parental ineptitude. I dont see how youre allowed to have a kid without signing one of those.
Miss Wormwood Id like you to sign this contract. Its an agreement that youll compensate me for any loss of job income I may suffer as an adult because of a poor first-grade eduction. If you get a poor first-grade education it will be from YOUR lack of effort not mine. Go back to your desk. By golly SOMEBODY ought to may me if I dont learn anything.
Hi Susie! Would you sign this legal document? What is it? In essence it annuls our knowledge of each others existence and it prohibits any future social interaction. Specifically it states that Ill never ask you out on a date and it imposes severe penalties on any party that attempts to engage the other in conversa... Its almost insulting how fast she signed that.
Here Hobbes. Ive drawn up a friendship contract for you to sign. A contract? Right. It codifies the terms of our friendship. You can renegotiate in 20 years. People are friends because they WANT to be not because they HAVE to be! Thats what this fixes. If your friends are contractual you dont have any.
Dad why do my eyes shut when I sneeze? If your lids werent closed the force of the explosion would blow your eyeballs out and stretch the optic nerve so your eyes would float around and youd have to point them with your hands to see anything. Gross. How come you know so much? Its all in the book you get when you become a father.
The end of the mesozoic era... a herd of chasmosaurs is unusually jittery! They now know they have more to fear than tyrannosaurs! Now they face an even GREATER danger... TYRANNOSAURS in F-14s! This is SO cool! This is SO stupid!
You say when you become a father you get a book that explains everything in the world? Right. Can I se it? Nope sorry. Why not? It tells what its like to raise a kid. SO?! Youre not allowed to know that until its too late not to have one.
AAAAAA! A person should be safe from predators inside his own house! If I had reflexes like yours Id be glad for the opportunity to improve them.
HEY LOOK AT ME! Nude descending a staircase! Nobody understands art.
...sighh... They say nobody lies on his deathbed wishing hed spent more time at the office. Well Id better get to the office. That was obviously some sort of commentary.
Doggone it hes got all the covers again. Zz. Zz... hmm? Oh yes Im VERY fond of Calvin. ...pass the gravy please. zzz. Brrr... Zz.
Why should I take a bath? Im just going to get dirty again. Why should I brush my teeth? Im just going to eat again. Why should I comb my hair? Its just going to get messed up again. Id rather be efficient than hygienic.
Im bored. Lets go in. But weve only been out here a few minutes. This is taking too long. Whats the hurry? Weve got all day! Yeah but its kind of cold and the suns too bright and my gloves are getting wet. And when you think about it building a snowman is a lot of work. I didnt come here to do something hard. Besides what if the snowman doesnt come out very good? Wed be failures! Who wants to be a failure?! Or even if its good whats the point? Its just going to melt in a few weeks anyway! Its all futile! So instead of wasting my time Im going to go inside pull down the shades and watch TV. That way in complete physical comfort I can vicariously experience the activity of actors pretending to do things! Are you sure its not too much trouble to turn on the TV? Thats why we have a remote control. Virtual reality is already here. I cant believe the only way to get inside is by WALKING.
Hi its me your big accomplishment in life! Im depressed.
Did you check the pockets of my pants before you washed them? Yes. Did you find anything... um... surprising? Like what? Lets just say we need some big gloves and a heavy stick... FAST. Do you mean you dont know where this thing IS?!
Oh no! Mom packed me a piece of PIE in my lunch! She hates me! I refuse to eat it! You dont like pie? Not this kind. What kind is it? Cow pie. MISS WORMWOOD! Want it? Its fresh.
I wish I had a heavier coat. Theatrics notwithstanding the thermostat stays where it is.
... and so in 1654... HKGHHKKGHH. Mysterious planet Zartok-3 appears from... KHGHHKGGH. PAY ATTENTION! When you change the channel I dont think the original program should be able to change it back.
Mom what was I like as a baby? Stinky. Stinky?? Stinky. Its always shocking to see ones existence reduced to a blurb.
Brrrr! Im freezing! You need a nice fur coat like mine. Im all toasty. Ill just put my feed on your back OK? Ooh you ARE warm! GAAA! Quit thrashing around! Youre letting in cold air! Well keep your icy feet on your own side of the bed then! They WERE! Your big behind was on MY side! THATs your side! THIS is the demilitarized zone and THIS is MY side! All THAT?! No way you hog! In fact the whole bed is my side! Animals should sleep on the floor! Oh THAT does it! You and your hairless pink monkey suit can freeze solid! Im leaving! HEY! Dont take the blanket! COME BACK HERE! ILL GET YOU! GIMME THAT! whered he go?? AAAAAA GAAAA! SOMEBODYS FEET ARE LIKE ICE!! Calvin had another nightmare. If its two crowded you guys are welcome to sleep downstairs.
I need some help with my homework Hobbes. Whats the assignment? Im supposed to write a paper that presents both sides of an issue and then defends one of the arguments. Whats your issue? Thats the problem. I cant think of anything to argue. Thats hard to believe. Im always right and everybody else is always wrong! Whats to argue about?!
Help me think of an issue to debate for this dumb paper. Well what issues do you care about? I dont care about issues! Ive got better things to do than argue with every wrong-headed crackpot with an ignorant opinion! Im a busy man! I say either agree with me or take a hike! Im right period! End of discussion! Um... right. There see? Everybodys happy.
So what am I going to write about? Hmm... well need to put on our thinking caps. HEY! Thinking caps! THATS what we need! Cmon! This is a GREAT idea! Boy where would I be without you? Conceivably you might be working on your assignment.
Well use this colander for the thinking cap! Its metal surface can conduct electrical brain impulses and reflect brain waves! Next well need to attach those input and output strings and a grounding string. Why a grounding string? Its like a lightning rod for brainstorms... I want to keep my ideas grounded in reality. I think youre too late. Well also need to build a transformer for the atomic cerebral enhance-o-tron.
The thinking cap is all set! Lets turn it on! Click. Brzap. Did it work? I think so. I feel smarter already.
What happened to your head?? Evidently an unanticipated physiological consequence of cerebral augmentation. My brain swelled. If your hats dont fit will you give them to me? My powerful brain is unraveling the mysteries of the universe. Its amazing! All natural laws can be reduced to one simple unifying equation! Really? What is it? Already my powerful brain is bored with such simple problems and is now working on why girls are so obnoxious.
Sighhh... I wish I could go to the moon. I wish I could too. Dear...
Now that the thinking cap has enlarged your brain you can write your homework paper. I concur. CALVIN DINNER TIME. Uh oh. Wait until your parents see your head! I am applying my powerful brain to the dilemma. I know! Well wrap my head in this bedsheet! THAT will allay any suspicion! Your powerful brain must know something I dont.
Calvin come down for dinner! Im not calling you again! Hurry up with the turban! There. Sorry Im late. I was unavoidably detained. Calvin we dont eat at the table looking like that. Take off the sheet. Uh... heh heh... um... Thank you. I dont know why I worry. They never notice anything.
I brought you some fish from dinner. Obviously I dont need to eat brain food now. Oh boy. OK lets get down to business. Ill apply my powerful brain to the problem of my homework. ...hmmmmmm... Hows it going? Good! I just remembered what the assignment was.
My powerful brain has come up with a topic for my paper. Great. Ill write about the debate over tyrannosaurs. Were they fearsome predators or disgusting scavengers? Which side will you defend? Oh I believe they were fearsome predators definitely. How come? Theyre SO much cooler that way.
Lets see... to argue that tyrannosaurs were predators and not scavengers well need to write a brief overview of carnosaur evolution. Then well delve into skeletal structure skull design arm strength potential running speed and environmental factors. ...but first well draw some pictures of a T.Rex eating people in the natural history museum. I notice your head is shrinking back to normal size.
Your forehead is back to normal. The brain enhancement must have worn off. But you havent written your paper yet. Oh thats the easy part. The HARD part was getting a topic and making these funny drawings. Now all I have to do is write everything I know about tyrannosaurs. Itll be a breeze. For once Im GUARANTEED a good grade! CALVIN TIME FOR BED.
This sculpture will be called The spirit of compromise. Well each make a snowman and have them shanking hands. This will be very insprational! People will weep to see two snowmen overcoming their differences and cooperating! Soon well be rolling in public commissions! Make your snowmans arm longer. His hand wont reach my snowmans hand. Why should I make a new arm? Just make YOURS longer. Then it will look like my snowman had to reach farther than yours did. They should be equal. Then build your snowman closer over here! Im not going to start all over! Just make your arm longer! I refuse. You cant tell me what to do! In that case my snowman refuses to shake with your snowman! So what?? My snowman wont even TALK to yours! Im turning his head the other way! Ha! While hes looking over there MY snowman will kick YOUR snowman in his big white butt! Oh yeah well mine knocks your snowmans head off! Fine! My snowman feeds your snowman his own nose! Why you...!! Leggo OW OOF Stop it! I dont think this sculpture is very good. Its a compromise.
TIME FOR BED?? Thats what I said. But I havent finished my paper for school yet! I need more time! How much more do you have to do? I just have to write it.
You mean its bedtime and you havent even started writing your paper for school?! What have you been DOING all evening?? Well first Hobbes and I invented and constructed a thinking cap that augmented my brain so I could think up a good topic and then we drew illustrations of... That doesnt sound like a very good time budget to me. I wasnt expecting to get audited so soon.
Great! Just great! Mom lets us stay up for half an hour longer to finish this paper. How am I supposed to do a good job in so little time?! Your Mom says you wasted the whole evening. But now shes making me do a rushed slipshod job! Ill have to compromise the qualitY! I wont get the A I deserve! Especially since youve used up 15 minutes complaining about it. Itll tell the teacher its Moms fault.
What a rotten evening that was. At least you finished your paper. Yeah but it couldve been a lot better. I finally get a chance to write about something I know backward and forward and I have to rush the whole thing. Well with the time available you did the best you could. ...sort of. I think geniuses should be given special considerations.
My paper is entitled Tyrannosaurus Rex: Fearson Predator or Loathsome Scavenger? Ahem... I say tyrannosaurs were predators because it would be so bogus if they just ate things that were already dead. The end. IM A CONCISE WRITER OK?!?
Miss Wormwood was going to give me a D- on my paper but I talked to her after class and told her how I ran out of time and couldnt write all I knew about tyrannosaurs. She said Id had plenty of time to do the assignment but she admitted that maybe Id picked too complex a subject. So she raised my grade to a D and told me I should try to pick realistic goals and plan my time better. I guess we learned a lesson huh? Ill say. Smooth-talking the teacher really pays off!
Thats strange. I dont remember a door being here before. Heres your breakfast! M-MOM?? Eat up! Mmm! It looks yummy! Y-YOURE NOT MY MOM! Yes I am! Eat your oatmeal! Whats going on? This isnt my house an dyoure not my Mom!! Oh no! Thats not our yard outside! Its a CAGE! NAUGH!! Im trapped in a lab and theyre trying to get me to imprint on my own species before they return me to the wild! Hes on to us Wayne. There goes our funding. Heres your breakfast. Whats the matter? Prove youre my Mom.
14... 52... POW! WAAUGH! YOURE SUPPOSED TO WAIT UNTIL I HIKE THE BALL!! Oops. Sorry. Darn tigers. You can explain the rules to em but you cant suppress their surprise pounce instinct.
Yesterday Dad went to buy a hardcover novel. He said he wanted to read something long rich and thought-provoking for a change and he wanted a cloth binding so his book could be carried around and reread later. Then he said he was going to buy the book with cash so nobody could trace the purchase to him and exploit his interest for commercial purposes. You Dads going into the guture kicking and screaming isnt he? What if hes turning me into some kind of subversive?
Mom can I get a big tattoo? I want a winged serpent coiling around one arm clutching a ship on my chest with... I mean... ...well... ...sighhhh... Did you know Mom can communicate telepathically?
Im gonna pound you at recess Twinky. Youd better be nice to me Moe. Haw! Why? Because someday my tax dollars will be paying for your prison cell. POW! My whole problem is my lips move when I think.
You know everything I am... my unique spirit and personality... everything that makes me ME... dependent on the proper functioning of this complex fagile and miraculous chunk of meat that is my body. Interesting observation. Well it just occurred to me. WAHOOOOOOO.
They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play in unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines. Maybe thats why its hard to tell if were in a tragedy or a farce. We need more special effects and dance numbers.
Yep Christmas is just around the corner. And what better way to celebrate a religious holiday than with a month of frenzied consumerism! Im surprised other religions havent picked up on that. Getting loads of loot is a very spiritual experience for me.
Dear Santa Every year at this time I send you a list of what I want for Christmas. And every year you callously ignore it and bring me practical things I dont want at all. Whats the deal?! Are you insane? Have you gone senile?? Cant you read?? Or are you just a vindictive twisted elf bent on destroying kids dreams?!?! You might want to sleep on this one. I know but it felt good to write it.
Dear Santa Last year I did not receive the 15000 items I requested for Christmas. I can only conclude that your secretarial staff must be a bunch of underpaid and woefully unprepared temps and my letter was misfiled. To avoid a similar disaster this year just write me a check for five million dollars and Ill buy the stuff myself. See THIS year I wont be disappointed. Id leave out the part about the temps.
Dear Santa Hello I am Calvins new baby brother Melville. Enclosed is a list of what I want for Christmas. Please dont confuse MY list with Calvins. There are TWO kids at this house now. Man if Santa falls for this Ill add a new brother every year! Melville?
No snow. ...which means I cant paste anyone with a snowball... which means Im good... which means Ill get lots of Christmas presents! Ha! Nothing in life is ever easy.
Look at all this snow! Im being tested. We got this snow so Id be tempted to smack Susie with a slushball and forfeit all my Christmas presents. To evaluate my chatacter my immediate pleasure is being pitted against my future greed! Poor Susie. ITS NOT A FOREGONE CONCLUSION!
There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. Ive been thinking. They say Santa knows if youve been bad or good right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean Santas OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. Thats all? Sure. Hed catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. Hed create the impression hes watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah but now that Im on to him Im going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh I didnt think of that! Shes a girl so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well I sure hope Santas watching now seeing as Im being so good. Unwillingly good but good nonetheless.
The day after Christmas is going to be epic.
Throwing these snowballs would give me immediate and certain pleasure. Refraining from throwing these snowballs in the hope of being rewarded at Christmas is delayed and Uncertain pleasure. As usual goodness hardly puts up a fight.
What if there is no Santa Claus? You know a lot of this Santa stuff is hard to believe. The flying reindeer going around the world in one night the whole chimney bit... What if its all some cruel hoax and Im being good for NOTHING? Youve ALWAYS been good for nothing! If he exists Santa will forgive this one.
Im not bad. Im just... um... ...exuberant! Theres nothing wrong with being exuberant! Heads up! POW! Go on explain the semantics to your Mom. Yikes she got her wind back and shes gaining!
Piff. SANTAS GONNA SKIP YOUR HOUSE FOR THAT CALVIN! I figure this doesnt really count against me since shes so sanctimonious and I keep missing.
HA HA! ACQUITTAL ON ALL CHARGES! COMPLETE EXONERATION! HA HA HA! Merry Christmas to you too dear. Phew whats that smell? Has someone been eating tuna fish at this horrible hour?!
I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new years resolutions I wrote. He said hed be glad to and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions werent for ME they were for HIM. Thats why were outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. Im getting disillusioned with these new years. They dont seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everythings still the same! Theres still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things havent changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
Z. Y-YAWNN. Theres no sedative like seeing a tiger lying in the sun.
Hey Dad why dont you cut down all the trees in our hill and put in a ski lift? Because a ski lift would be ugly noisy and completely unnecessary. The problem with Dad is he doesnt know progress when he hears it.
AAUGHH. I meant to do that. Then it worked very well.
Ive lost my marbles. Everyone suspected as much. Well I hope somebody finds them again. HEY!!
I need a new toboggan. What for? Mine is outdated. Im sure the 94 models have all sorts of new features colors and options. Toboggans dont come in model years. They dont?? I tell you Hobbes theres a fortune to be made!
What the...?? Im not playing with a full deck! Thats what some people say. Really? Then why didnt somebody go buy some new cards?! HEY!!
Ready? OFF WE GO-O!! WEEEEE AAAAAA WHOAAAA OOH AH EE ACK OW WAAUGH! OOMFF UGH HOOF HUHH YAAAAAA WO WO WO WO WO unggg. I think that was our best ride EVER! I kept closing my eyes. Lets do it again.
I resent the quality of network programming! Its all fluff violence sensationalism and sleaze! I hunger for serious tasteful entertainment that respects my intelligence! So turn off the stupid TV and read a book. All right I lied. Sue me.
Why does he have a hot water bottle on his head? Hes committing suicide.
Ill take one card. OK. I fold. Are you cheating?!
Incredibly people NEVER expect to get hit with a snowball in the house. Ill see you in your room momentarily.
If anyone hits me with a snowball Ill hit HIM with 250 snowballs! What if somebody hits YOU with 250 snowballs? ...sighhh...
This will by my strongest fort ever! With these massive walls Ill be safe from any attack! HELLLP!!
YAWNN... Im going to get some coffee Ted. Want any? No thanks Frank. Tum te ta ta tum... BLAM! GAKK AIEEE!! They got Frank!! RUN. You got im! Hes a big one too! Nice shot Bamb. Somebody get the camera! ... needless to say Franks family was upset when he didnt come home that night but everybody understood that the human population had doubled in just two generations to almost six billion so some thinning of the herds was necessary to prevent starvation. Another parent-teacher conference. Your turn.
I dont think the schools assign enough homework.
Some kids at school got filthy rich today. Really? How? They grabbed him by the drinking fountain.
Here youll probably want this pillow. What for? Its like an air bag. Hold it in front of your head like this as we go down. Dont you feel safer now? I certainly do.
Yes! POW. Wasnt that a great shot?? What control! What form! Did you notice the top spin? Did you notice how I packed the snow so that... A REAL friend wouldve been happy for me!
Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them they never let go of it! They just go on and on long after anyone else is interested! Its just complain complain complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! Youd think theyd change the subject after a while but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder Whats wrong with this idiout? But they go on complaining and repeating what theyve already said! Maybe theyre not very self-aware. Boy thats ANOTHER thing that gets on my nerves!
We need more extension cords.
The courageous Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire lands on yet another bizarre planet! Setting his death ray blaster on frappe our hero sets off in search of alien weirdness! Zounds! A mysterious mist materializes out of nowhere! The fearless Spiff cant see a thing! ... so we add two to four... OUR HERES IN A TOTAL FOG! The atmosphere here is a... a... p-powerful se... se... sedative! Spiff cant keep his eyes o... open. KLUNK zzzzz. Our hero suddenly comes to!
OK these are my footprints. Here I stop hear something and start to turn around. A few feet farther on theres the impression of my body as I hit the ground. These are the powdered remains of the snowball that hit me. From the angle of particle dispersement we can tell the snowball was thrown from over here where we find... ...tiger tracks. Those could by ANYBODYs tiger tracks.
POW! I must say the stinging snow makes your cheeks look positively radiant. Some people sure cant take a compliment.
Circumstantial evidence thats all youve got! You cant get a fair trial in this town.
I couldnt stand being a girl. I cant stand you either way. When guys grow up they get to play with cards sports equipment cameras stereos electric tools... you name it. But girls dont get any toys when they grow up. Women just buy clothes and shoes. How boring. How sad. I guess girls actually mature as they get older. I cant wait until Im old enough to putter around.
On the other hand the neighbors keep planting nice been trees next to us.
munch munch WHUNK! GAAAA!! GRRRRRRRR OOMF! munch munch. Im still hungry. I fixed you a nice lunch. You can wait until dinner.
Our lives are filled with machines designed to reduce work and increase leisure. We have more leisure than any man has ever had. And what do we do with this leisure? Educate ourselves? Take up new interests? Explore? Invent? Create? Dad I cant hear this commercial. If it were up to Dad leisure would be as bad as work.
I KNOW I have hat hair so you dont need to tell me. Actually its not that different.
See? if you jump right you dont need to waste time shoveling the entire walk.
Test: 1. When did the pilgrims land at Plymouth Rock? 1620. As you can see Ive memorized this utterly useless fact long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. Youve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations. They say the satisfaction of teaching makes up for the lousy pay.
2. Where is Plymouth Rock? I am not presently at liberty to divulge that information as it might compromise our agents in the field. I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers lounge.
Gimme a quarter Twinky. Your simian countenance unusually rich in species diversity. What? Here you go. That was worth 25 cents.
Hey theres some sort of remote control gizmo in this drawer. I wonder what it does. Click. WAAA! Mom?? Dad??? CALVIN! SIGHHH. Calvin thats very annoying.
Why is it that I can recall a cigarette ad jingle from 25 years ago but I cant remember what I just got up to do?
Eep! scritch scritch scritch scritch . You know Mom blames ME for scuffing up the floor. I wish your parents would take out these floor boards and put down some sod.
Look Mom I made you some subtitles. Hmm? When youre talking to me you choose the appropriate card to translate what youre saying and prop it against your feet for me to read. For example if you say Go to bed NOW you can use this card which says Youve got ten minutes until I blow my stack. See? Then Ill know what you mean. I dont need translation! Ive even got subtitles for parentisms like Youre going to poke somebodys eye out with that.
Why are you following me around? Why are you following me around? And why are you repeating what I say? And why are you repeating what I say? If youre going to keep doing that I just wont say anything. If youre going to keep doing that I just wont say anything. The incredibly annoying human echo strikes again!
Stop repeating everything I say.Stop repeating everything I say.Quit it. Quit it. Im an ugly little maggot with lumpy gravy for brains! At least you have the courage to admit it. Sooner or later everyone falls for that.
How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? How much longer are you going to repeat whatever I say? OK then just keep at it Mr Annoying Human Echo. OK then just keep at it Mr Annoying Human Echo. We can a priori and prior to all given objects have a knowledge of those conditions on which alone experience of them is possible but never of the laws to which things may in themselves be subject without reference to possible experience. We can ah peoria and snow down what? Hold on. Thbbpbptt! Cheater.
OOMF! Cat nap noun: a quick light doze in the manner of cats. I KNOW what it means!
Youll never get ahead by lying around you know? Who are we racing? Obviously were... um... well... uh... Im too busy to explain this stuff! Ive got important work to do! VERY important! Let me know if you win.
Oh yeah? Oh YEAH?? Well remember what you said because in a day or two Ill have a witty and blistering retort! Youll be devastated THEN I promise! Hmph. I wish I could think of comeback lines on the spot.
Your whiskers are too unruly. You should wax them and make a handlebar mustache. AAAAAAAAAAAAA. Youd think a guy who cleans humself with his tongue would be open to grooming suggestions.
Heres the latest poll on your performance as Dad. Your approval rating is pretty low Im afraid. Thats because theres not necessarily any connection between whats good and whats popular. I do whats right not what gets approval. Youll never kep the job with THAT attitude. If someone else offers to do it let me know.
Test: 1. What important event took place on December 16 1773? I do not believe in linear time. There is no past and future: all is one and existence in the temporal sense is illusory. This question therefore is meaningless and impossible to answer. When in doubt deny all terms and definitions.
YAAAAA. RRRRRR. OK its harder than it looks. Goodness how did you guys ever live long enough to invent tools?
The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby thats even worse.
I wish I had amazing super powers. If you work and study real hard for years and years you could develop the powers you already have. Maybe I can find a radioactive meteorite that mutates me into a living liquid. Try to find one that mutates you into someone with a work ethic.
Mom and Dad dont value hard work and originality as much as they say they do.
DING DONG. Heh heh heh. Oh! Oop! Hi Mrs. Derkins. I was hoping Susie would answer the ...uh... I mean um Im selling huge snowballs. Would you like to buy one? My Plan As are great but my Plan Bs leave a lot to be desired.
POW! LOOK OUT! My snowballs go faster than the speed of sound. They do not you big liar!
I wish this sled had a speedometer so we could know how fast were going. I suppose we could measure the hill time our descent calculate our rate in feet per minute and convert that into miles per hour. That sounds like math. Um yes. Suddenly I stopped caring.
Whats THIS snowman? Hes a paleontologist. Hes looking for cretaceous snow dinosaurs. Why does he look so sad? He realized that snow doesnt fissilize. It just melts. Your nowmen lead tragic lives. Well theyre not very bright.
Get going or youll miss the school bus. Uh... greetings. My name is Calvin. POOF. Grittings. Ma name is Kahlfin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Um... yes! Well Calvin heres your lunchbox. Have a good day at school. Hoffa gud tay. Lunboks. Hi Calvin. Grittings. Ma nam is Kahlfin. Heeryor lunkboks. Hoffa gut tay askool. Calvins principal says to say hello. Huh boy. It troo! Dat darn Kahlfun stole ma spacechip!
How much is that tiger in the window? The one who does nothing but sleep? Well spread him out flat in the rec room and have a new rug if hes cheap!
Yes Calvin? Why arent you teaching us the gender of nouns? Is desk masculine? Is chair feminine? Foreign kids know but WE dont! No wonder we cant compete in a global market! I demand sex education. ...I wonder if her doctor knows she mixes all those medications.
YAWWW. Trifle not with tired tigers.
I bet I can knock Dads hat off with this snowball. I bet you cant/. Oh yeah?! How much? A hundred dollars. Youre on fuzzbrain. Get out your wallet! Boy five inches higher wouldve done it. You ALWAYS get me in trouble. You owe me $2500 so far.
Why should OTHER people benefit from MY hard work?
Ah what a lovely day to go sailing eh Marsha? Our new boat is just wonderful Bradley. What do you say we drop anchor and go for a swim dearest? That sounds delightful darling! Lets go! Ploosh ploosh. AAA!! AAA!! This lake is boiling hot! Were getting scalded!! Get out of the water! AA! OW! AA! OW! Ive got second degree burns all over! What kind of lake IS this?! We need medical attention Bradley! Pull up the anchor! Bradley were going the wrong way! I cant help it Marsha! The wind is blowing us over here toward the... the... THE WATERFALL! OH NO! AAAAA! BLUB BLUB! AAAA! GLUB GLUB GLUB! Help help! The wind is picking up again! Hang on! Were flying right out of the water! Dont look don Marsh! Were miles high! Uh oh! The wind suddenly stopped!! AAAAaaaaaaaa. We ... were alive! Somehow we landed in another lake! But where ARE we?? I have a bad feeling about this Bradley. ITS A GIGANTIC WHIRLPOOL!! WERE GOING DOWN! WAAAAAA!! Heres the problem. Thatll be $150. Somebody ELSE is going to pay for this too.
Should I stay inside or go out? Its awfully cold out but I suppose I could bundle up. It looks windy though. But still Id like to go sledding. Then again maybe Id rather stay in. On the other hand... GO OUT AND CLOSE THE DOOR! The more indecisive I am the faster things get decided.
I like following the news! News organizations know I wont sit still for any serious discussion of complex and boring issues. They give me what I want: antics emotional confrontation sound bites scandal sob stories and popularity polls all packaged as a soap opera and horse race! Its very entertaining. Then commentators wonder why the public is cynical about politics. You can tell this is an in-depth story because its got an article next to the chart.
I saw a sing on a restaurant door that said No shirt no shoes no service. But it didnt say anything about PANTS! If I went in wearing shoes and a shirt but no pants theyd have to serve me! Theyd probably serve you with a court summons. Cmon lets see if Mom will take us out for dinner!
There! Whatcha doin? Ive hidden a cache of snowballs behind every tree in the yard! Now when my enemies come after me I need only run to the nearest tree to be instantly armed. Ingenious. Now I need to make some enemies. Ill be one.
It offends the human ego that nature is indifferent to us. Nature doesnt care if people live or die. It refuses to be tamed. It does whatever it wants and acts like people dont matter. It wont confirm our right to be here. That drives people crazy. We cant stand being ignored. Its insulting and ... hey! YAWWNN. I think thats also why some people dont like cats.
Im writing a novel. Whats it about? Its about a guy who flicks through TV channels with his remote control. THEY SAY TO WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW!
Look at all the stars! The universe just goes out forever and ever! It kind of makes you wonder why man considers himself such a big screaming deal. Thats why we stay inside with our appliances.
Take out your math homework and pass it forward class. Boy Its a good thing I did it. Huh?? My answers! Theyre running away! Come back! My homework paper!
My homework exploded! Somebody pull the fire alarm! Help!! Its out of control! Its spreading! Aughh! Put it out!! Young man Im tired of these constant disruptions! Its not my fault! It was an accident! Maybe THIS will teach you a lesson! Ha ha ha! No! No! Ackk! Help! Get the PTA! Miss Wormwoods an alien!
Im doomed! Its too late! Nothing can save me now! Im going down in flames! AAAAAAA
AAAA GAAA!! Hehh... hoo... hah... hehh... was just a dream... my homework didnt explode. Im not... MY HOMEWORK! I FORGOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK! I wish hed sleep outside.
Hobbes wake up! I forgot to do my math homework! Its two in the morning. But Miss Wormwoods going to collect it tomorrow! If I dont have it shell kill me! I had a nightmare about it! Cmon well have to do the assignment now while theres still time! This feels like a nightmare too. Do you think if we woke up Mom shed let us have coffee?
Wow listen to the wind howl. Its really snowing! Pretty creepy. Things are ALWAYS creepy at 2:00am. Hey Ill bet tomorrows a snow day! Ill bet they close the schools! Lets call the superintendent and see! If tomorrows a snow day we can go right back to bed! ...or maybe we will anyway. Who IS this?!? You have two seconds to improve my mood.
No text
Time to get up Calvin. Is it a snow day? Did they close the schools? Ive got the radio on so well hear. Get ready anyway though. Oh man I hope I hope I hope. If schools closed Ill have the whole day to do the math homework I forgot yesterday. If schools open Im in big trouble. Suddenly I feel extremely religious. Another deathbed conversion.
Ha ha! They just announced the schools are closed! Its a snow day! WHEEEEEEE! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Talk about luck! Now you can do your homework and you wont get in trouble! Right but theres over two feet of snow that requires our immediate and undivided attention. First things first. Math will still be there when the snow melts.
Dont you think youd enjoy this more if you did your math assignment first so it wasnt hanging over your head? Im a practical man Hobbes. I dont waste time thinking about hypothetical situations. I heal with the world here and now. And the incontrovertible fact is that Im outside in the snow! THATs reality! THATs what I think about! Tomorrows a reality too. Hypothetically it might be another snow day.
What a busy day! Im pooped! Mom says the roads are pretty clear so school will probably open again tomorrow. NOW I wish Id done my math homework instead of playing outside all day. ...or I wish Id done it before dinner... or after dinner... or instead of watching TV... or before bed. But now its too late. A day can really slip by when youre deliberately avoiding what youre supposed to do.
Oh I wish Id done my math homework! Now the teachers going to collect it and Im as good as dead! Why did I do this to meyself?! I even had an extra day to get it done! Instead I goofed off and now Im going to pay for it! Boy Ive learned my lesson! This day has been nothing but dread and I couldve avoided it all! Here she comes! Goodbye world! Ill collect your homework tomorrow class. Susie quick. Am I sitting in a beam of light? Looks more like a puddle of sweat. Why?
I couldnt believe it! The bell rang just as the teacher was about to collect the homework I didnt do! Thats twice youve been saved at the last minute. But Ive learned my lesson THIS time. From now on its work before pleasure! No exceptions! And it will be a PLEASURE to have that homework done! Cmon lets work on a snowman. No exceptions.
Time! Wow 15 minutes and 20 seconds! Ha! Beat that! Weekends dont count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. GO!
Im determined to set the world record for having ones finger continuously in ones nose. I cant believe theres even such a category. In that case call me champ!
This piece of pie is awfully darn small! Life could be worse Calvin. Life could be a lot BETTER too! ...but worse is more likely.
Ive decided to suffer from low self-esteem. Is that a fact. From now on my goal is to feel good about myself. Youre going to work harder at everything and build character? No Im going to whine until I get the special treatment I like. I wonder if anyone else is as scared about the future as I am. Ive found that immediate gratification is the only thing that helps me.
Ewww! Whats this something scraped off the bottom of boots?? Im not eating it! Calvin I made this last week and you said it was your favorite meal of all time and you wished we could have it every day for the rest of your life! Well now I hate it. Another day another gray hair for Mom!
Im ho-oOAAUGH! KAPOW! Man this was cat a-pulted! Hee hee hee! Youre a riot Hobbes.
These colors really arent enough so I have to mix some to get the specific hues I need. See here I start with a layer of brown. Then I add olive green and scrub a little orange and yellow ochre into it. Finally I top it with lime green purple and tan. Wow perfect barf! Youd think that would be a standard color in a big set like this.
You know Hobbes some days even my luck rocketship underpants dont help. Well youve done all you can do.
I dont like your face. Then dont look at it. Id rather change it. Haw! I dont care about being accepted. Id settle for being ignored.
Greetings. I am Blor-Utar from Zimtok-5. I have come to subjugate the human race. Do not resist. Why humans? Because in addition to their value as slave labor they are also delicious and nutritious! Ha ha ha! But first for your Earth customer of Show and Tell I will exhibit some of our terrifying weaponry. Snekk blog u-lar mekhh! Gahghh! Rk! All right Calvin thats quite enough. Miss Wormwood shouldnt he be in some special school or something?
When it snows you can go sledding. When its windy you can fly kites. When its hot you can go swimming. But when its raining... sigh... ... the only sport is driving Mom crazy.
I thought I had a great idea. But it never really took off. In fact it didnt even get on the runway. I guess you could say it exploded in the hangar. Ive had ideas like that.
ZZZZZZZZ How could you miss that? It was right TO you! You throw too hard!
Ewww look! This bug is eating another bug! Yukkk! Blecchh! Gross! Ick! Ick! Blbpbblpth! I cant believe I looked at that! Ew! Ew! Hacckkhh! Gaaacck! Great experiences are even better when theyre shared.
Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry. On the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dads electric saw? In the... why do you want to know? Huh? Oh Im just making an inventory list so well always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
Calvin come out from wherever you are hiding and take your bath! DO YOU HEAR ME CALVIN?! I MEAN NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like it was MY fault she hasnt gotten the chimney swept.
Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I cant believe I did it! Calvin... Its a hard bitter cruel world to have to grow up in Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?
I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs Buzzy the Hummingbird doll!
Eenie meenie miney moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
County library? Yes do you have any books on homemade bombs? Thats what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Dont THEY have any books like that? Boy and people wonder why kids dont read.
Ugh I hate going to the subconscious. Me too! Why doesnt anyone ever clean this dump? Heres a movie reel. I suppose its as good as any. I grabbed these two. Lets get them back to central cognition. W can run this reel first. I hope these are ebtter than last nights movies. Hurry up! The lights are dimming! Help me thread the projector! Yikes this is awful! Where did you guys FIND this? Oops the next reel isnt even from the same film. Good! Put it on! This one is even worse! I guess its some sort of suspense movie. Why cant we ever watch anything good? Maybe YOU should get the movies next time! AUGH! Monsters! Monsters! Turn it off! Too scary!! Quick try another reel! This one makes no sense! Whats going on?? Has this been dubbed from some other language? None of these make sense! Were splicing them all out of order. What a waste of time! The lights are coming back on! Shows over! Finally! I thought this would never end. Back to work! Man your stations! Full alert! Whoo I had so many strange dreams! ... I wonder what they mean.
IM FREE! IM FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well it doesnt matter. Youd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But its the middle of the afternoon! Yes but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning were going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:0
Look I know you dont like Rosalyn but shes the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time dont you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I dont want to come home and hear any horror stories OK? For goodness sake Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!
What are we going to DO Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think shell remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does were dead! Shell probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! Im almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well no matter what were in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I mustve gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
Hi Rosalyn come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You dont need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so Id like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I dont care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!
OK were going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think Ill sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. Ill tell you when its bedtime.
The fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire gazes across the forbidding landscape of an uncharted planet! What dangers lie ahead for our hero? What horrible aliens inhabit this world? What strange adventures await the intrepid Spiff? What bizarre occurrence will our hero be the first to witness? The suspense! ...Our hero chucks a few rocks. ...sighhh... If you couldnt find any weirdness maybe well just have to MAKE some! Now yer talkin!
This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight Rosalyn will kill us and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess thats that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! Im going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! Its STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! Im in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie its Rosalyn. Yeah Im over at the little monsters house again. Hmm? No actually hes been pretty good tonight. Yeah I cant believe it.
Anyway Charlie Im sorry we couldnt go out tonight but this little creeps parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me Calvin you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie Im going to have to call you back. You wouldnt believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!
OK Calvin you want to play rough huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! Youve got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed or Ill put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! Im counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!
With stupendous speed STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right Calvin! Whered you go?! I know youre out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight remember?! Theyre not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See if we had bought a dog instead like I wanted we could go out like this all the time. Honey we came here to relax. Lets talk about something else.
There is no way Im getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MANs stupendous intellect! Calvin youre in big trouble if you dont come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesnt know where I am!
Bwa ha ha ha ee hee hee hee hee ehh heh heh heh ... a little more... a little more... PFOOSH! AAA! I wont fill this one so full. There! Perfect! heh heh. Dark knot! Ackk blpp! Stop it! Pbtt! Its too slippery! Ackpth! Blp! Now look its almost empty! Ill have to fill it again. Stupid balloon. ...a little more... ah! Perfect! IT SLIPPED OFF! FWOOSH.
There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesnt know you sneaked back inside. Now Ill change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. Shes coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend weve just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! IVE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think shes going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. Its as plain as can be!
All right! I found you! Found?? Why what do you mean? Ive been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Dont give me that! You just now sneaked inside took off your silly costume and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well youre gonna get it NOW bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me huh? You cant send me to bed when Im already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey you cant take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home perhaps YOUD like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom whats to tell? At 8:00 I put on my pajamas brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so Id get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try Pinocchio. Well whod have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
No TV for a week! What injustice! They think theyve won but they havent! ILL show em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! Im indomitable! They cant change me! Ill sit in front of the TV all week even if I cant turn it on!
Dad will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I dont understand why time goes slower at great speed. Its because you keep changing time zones. See if you fly to California you gain three hours on a five-hour flight right? So if you go at the speed of light you gain MORE time because it doesnt take as long to get there. Of course the theory of relativity works only if youre going west. Gee thats not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.
Mom can we go out to the highway? Do what? See Ill put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.
Hobbes have me the story idea. Flip the pages again! This was MY book!
Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I cant believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
Hey Calvin didnt you sign up to play baseball at recess? No why? You must be the only boy who didnt. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean Im the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! Im in COOTIE CENTRAL! I havent had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!
Why didnt you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didnt you like sports? I dunno. Id just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebodys always yelling at you telling you where to be what to do and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT Ill join the army and at least get paid.
Hey lookit the sissy who didnt sign up for recess baseball. Im not a sissy! Oh yeah? Youd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasnt playing with dolls! Sure you werent! Let me see your Barbie doll you sissy wimp! Im not a wimp! In fact I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again if Im not a wimp why am I taking the path of least resistance?
I signed up to play baseball every recess and I dont even like baseball that much. I mean its fun playing baseball with just YOU because we both get to pitch bat run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! Thats the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! Its BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See thats another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?
I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah but I didnt even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time Ive built character Ive regretted it! I dont WANT to learn teamwork! I dont WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck I dont even want to COMPETE! Whats wrong with just having fun by yourself huh?! When you grow up its not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!
DING DONG. Im coming Im coming. AAAA! I OPENED THE DOOR AND MY BIKE GOT IN!! HELLPP! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! ITS AN UNBALANCED BICYCLE!! SOMEBODY GET ME A SPOKE WRENCH! Hehh hoo hehh hoo. BACK! BACK! SLAM. Ha! You cant get me now! AIEE! TIRE TRACKS ON THE RUGS! OIL ON THE COUCH! WHERES THAT KID?! Someday the neighbors will look out and wonder why theres a grown up man wearing a kids clothes on our roof.
Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time were going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dads waiting. But what if I forgot something? Were only going overnight. Youll get by.
Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We cant turn around Calvin. Were late already. But DA-AD!! You couldve been ready on time and had all your things together but you put up a fuss about going made us late and you forgot your tiger. Its your own fault. Youd turn around if wed forgotten MOM! Thats because shes the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.
When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I dont even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I cant believe we left him at home. I hope hes OK. Whats he going to eat? We didnt leave any food out and well be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think Ill let Dad go into the house first.
Hey Mom how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Dont play with the phone Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure hes OK. Hobbes isnt going to answer the phone. Dont be silly. Youll see him tomorrow. But hes probably all lonely! Im sure hes having a good time. I hope he isnt renting some movie that I wanted to see.
Mom I cant sleep. Im sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isnt here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well you can listen to your Dad snoring. Thats Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.
Well were finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy I didnt think wed EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh its drafty in here... The windows smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!
I ordered the two tons of tenderloin. Oh yes. Drive around to the loading dock and Ill get the forklift. Calvin lunchtime! Mayounnaise?! I like mustard! Maybe you should fix your OWN triceratops sandwich.
Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! Ill call the police! WHERES HOBBES? I cant believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh I KNEW we shouldnt have left him here! Mom I cant find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... Its OK Calvin. Calm down. Im sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I dont think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. Cmon lets go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff
The police say theyll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No were looking for Hobbes. Calvins almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. Im scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately were ALL someone else to someone else.
Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldnt have been stolen because hes not valuable. ...(sniff) Well I think hes valuable.
Hobbes? Are you down there? Youve got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? Hes not hurt is he? Hes fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes Im so glad to see you!! Youre safe and sound! (sniff) And now I am too! It looks like were a whole family again. Such as it is yes.
... and the televisions gone too. Do you happen to have the serial number? Ill bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin not now OK? Im busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger thats for sure! Mandibles of death thats what Hobbes has! Roght. Why dont you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.
Ive swept up most of the glass from the window. OK Ill get something to cover up the hole. Do you think its safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said theyd drive by and well leave lots of lights on. Ugh its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I dont feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh I cant wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
Look a snake! A big one! You think its poisonous? Beats me. How can you tell? If it bites you and you die its poisonous. Har har. Look how it glides along. Its almost like a liquid. I wonder how they do that. Hes flicking his tongue out. I think thats how they smell but why would they smell with a tongue? Do snakes have eyelids? Do they sleep with their eyes open? Dont snakes eat mice? How could a snake swallow something bigger than its own head? Heck we dont know ANYTHING about snakes. Maybe your Mom would get us a book. Yeah lets go see! Well be experts! Well learn all there is to know! Hey wait a minute! Its summer! Im on vacation! I dont want to LEARN anything! If nobody makes you do it it counts as fun. Hmm... you really think so? Cooooooll.
Is Calvin asleep? Yes hes snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy I dont know how IM ever going to sleep. Me neither. I cant get over whats happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess youll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come IM the grown-up??
This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. Its almost 2 and Im wide awake. When someone breaks into your home it shatters your last illusion of security. If youre not safe in your own home youre not safe anywhere. A mans home is his castle but it shouldnt have to be a fortress.
Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. Its funny... when I was a kid I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I dont think Id have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if Id known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
Well at least we werent in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. Were all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things but things dont matter much really. Its hard to believe how often we forget that.
Can I be excused now? You didnt finish your dinner. Well I didnt like it very much and theres this TV show I want to watch so... Our TV was stolen remember? Gosh I guess Ill eat my asparagus do my homework and go straight to bed then. And were so proud of how you handle adversity.
This is where our television used to be. But we dont have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am not being entertained. A pointless existence huh? I mean the wall is even plain old WHITE!
..h-hott.... ahhhh. ...not again...
Good news Hobbes! Im starting a secret club and you can be in it! Oh boy! Itll be great! Well think of secret names for ourselves secret codes for our secret correspondence a secret handshake... Well have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in and well do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think youre up to something.
OK the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Lets call it The Hobbes Fan Club! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! IM SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club! I still like my idea better.
I got it! Well call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way Susie Derkins cant join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh no you dont! This whole club was my idea so I get to be president. OK then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey no! THATS what I want to be! You can be President.
Hi Calvin! What are you doing making paper hats? Can I make one too? Dont be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! Slimy girls?! I know thats redundant but otherwise it doesnt spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS ARENT SLIMY! Dont get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and Im all clean.
I cant believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! Theres nothing wrong with girls! See Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. Youre the meanest most rotten little kid I know! Well fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I dont want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow what a great club!
OK weve got a sign for our secret club so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm theres not much room with the car here. Lets push it into the drive. Shouldnt you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She wont care if we push it out. Cmon. In the past youve been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
We all want meaningful lives. We look for meaning in everything we do. But suppose there IS no meaning! Suppose life is fundamentally absurd! Suppose theres no reason or truth or rightness in anything! What if nothing means anything? What if nothing really matters? I guess theres no harm in a little wishful thinking. Or suppose EVERYTHING matters. Which would be worse??
Help me push the car out of the garage. I cant budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then shed probably say no and we wont have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DONT ask her well get in trouble. We wont get in trouble! Every time you say that we go. Mom wouldnt care about these things if she wouldnt keep finding out about them.
Look stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. Well move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that my tail gets all bushy. Oh knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didnt bother her. Well she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey the cars not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think youre Moms going to be bothered.
STOP THE CAR! ITS STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! Its going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I cant catch the door! Oh no! Oh no! Its going to go into the road! Dont follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!
I havent seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means hes getting in trouble.
The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERES NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I cant watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray were dead.
Oh man oh man oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? Ill bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.
Oh boy! Its bedtime! SPROINGG. WOOOOOO. WULP! FWAPP SHOONK SWOOOSHHH SPLOOSH WAA! SHOOP THWUPP OOF! ...ahhh. Bedtime. Lets go. Aww I hate getting ready for bed.
My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah I doubt your parents figured youd wreck their car before you were 16.
What are we going to do?? Well never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they wont even notice if we just dont say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK Ill try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
Hi Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean Im just wondering. Im going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... Im REALLY hungry! No need to get up or look for example out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! Whats the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh why do you ask??
I got a couple of sandwiches made but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? Wed better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES COME ON! Well be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Moms bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If were not in the next county by then its curtains! Lets GO! Wheres a freight train when you really need one?
POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK (POOF)... I think weve got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. Shes probably called Dad at work and hes probably on his way home now!
Well were surely in some other state by now. Lets stop here. Boy it never once occurred to me that Id be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? Im so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I cant believe it.
Hup. PTCHOO AAA! Thpkxx! Hayfever season isnt ALL bad. You thig ids fuddy bud ids dot. SLAM. Thxxxptb!
Whats going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh did someone have an accident? It looks like theres a car in the ditch! ... but I dont see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that the car wouldve had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!
Well Moms sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you cant go home again.
Whats that sound? I dont hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe its a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. Boy 6 killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble.
Do you think were safe? Should we climb higher? Its hard to say with bears. There it is! The bears coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like its on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when theyre really mad!! Wait thats not a bear. Thats your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!
THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. Youll kill us. Were running away. Im not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didnt hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. Thats when we took off. Well the tow truck pulled it out and theres no damage so you can come home now. First lets hear you say you love me.
Boy Hobbes isnt it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didnt even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable huh? Send their car over a ditch and you dont even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dads... Lets not talk about that OK?!
My Mom and Dad are not what they seem. Their dull appearance is part of their scheme. I know of their plans. I know their techniques. My parents are outer space alien freaks! They landed on Earth in spaceships humongous. Posing as grownups they now walk among us. My parents deny this but I know the truth. Theyre here to enslave me and spoil my youth. Eary each morning as the sun rises Mom and Dad put on their earthling disguises. I knew right away their masks werent legit. Their faces are lined - they sag and dont fit. The Earths gravity makes them sluggish and slow. They say not to run wherever I go. They live by the clock. Theyre slaves to routine. They work the year round. Theyre almost machines. They deny that TV and fried food have much worth. They cannot be human. Theyre not of this Earth. I cannot escape their alien gaze and theyre warping my mind with their alien ways. For sinister plots this one is a gem. Theyre bringing me up to turn ME into THEM!
CLICK. Pander to me!
Playing a record? Ill show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the records outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time right? Yeah... but the point on the records edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time so it goes faster. See two points on one disk move at two speeds even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
On your mark... get set... GO! IM going so slow Im moving BACKWARD! Im winning! Thats cheating!
Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you Dad OK? This isnt Calvin. Calvin Ive got work to do. Ill see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
Want to see something cool? Ive got a baby tooth thats just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? Theyre all just jealous.
LOOK! I dont see anything. You missed it. Well Im done. What did he see? An opportunity.
BLOGG! Ukh huggablukk Spiff! Spiff?! Blecckh blecckh! We join our here the courageous Spaceman Spiff as he flees the awful bug beings of Zartron-9! Spiffs only chance is a daring strategy of head-to-head combat! Our hero swings around and readies his computer-guided death-ray blaster! ..tum te tum tum... I wish this booted up faster. Cmon cmon. There we go. Lets see. Get the file icon... double click on blaster... Hmm pull down settings... get the dialog box... click on rays... select death... hit OK. Hey whats the matter? Why didnt my screen change?! Hit F1 for help... About blasters... nope... Calibrating blasters... nope... charging the fizzler... no... fizzling the charger... no... incineration guidelines... oh this is annoying! Oh wait I didnt enter the number of volts! Thats it! Type in gazillion hit OK. What?! Invalid setting. DARN! Go back to volts highlight gazillion press Delete type in... KRAKK. SPIFF IS HIT! HES GOING DOWN! Hey why wont this boot up? Has somebody been playing with this thing?! The whole thing went down Dad. Luckily I jumped clear at the last second.
Can I be excused? Theres a TV show I want to see. Were still eating dinner Calvin. IM through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. Its impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! Ill miss my show! Your TV show isnt as important as spending some time together as a family. Well compromise. Ill go watch a sitcom family. In a minute youre going to discover the difference between those and real life.
My TV show is starting. Im missing my show! Im sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. Whats the big deal about dinner?! Why cant I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. Theres more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.
Ive missed half of my TV show now. I hope youre happy. You shouldnt be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look I dont think its too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! Ill get it! Im expecting a call. Go ahead Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes but theyre recessive. THATS the problem here.
Cmon Hobbes we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah Dad wont let me watch TV. He says its summer its light late and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. ILL show him. I refuse to have fun.
OK next well race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on Ill be right back. IM NOT HAVING FUN!
Its getting dark Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Cant we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didnt want to go out and now you dont want to come in! See by not watching TV you had more fun and now youll have memories of something real you DID instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
Did you know that nobody on our street sets an alarm clock in the morning? Shut up.
Hop in Hobbes! Were going to get rich! Oh no Im not getting into that box. I dont want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open its a time machine remember? Even worse. Oh dont be such a baby. The way you act youd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why it wasnt even a carnivore. I dont care. You and that box are plain bad news.
Too bad youre not going back to the jurassic with me. An opportunity like this doesnt come along every day you know. The less often the better is what I say. Were just going on a photo safari! When we come back with REAL dinosaur photos well get rich! You can drop the we stuff. Im not going. OK well I guess Ill have to eat all these great snacks myself then. Snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they GOOD snacks? How many snacks did you bring?? Never mind! You said youre not going.
I guess if we get to have snacks it would be OK to time travel. If theyre GOOD snacks I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why dont we get younger as we go back in time and disappear as we pass the day we were born? Id explain it but theres a lot of math. I thought you got a D in math.
Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes were travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK Ill just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive you know! If we miss our exit we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? Thered be no universe and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still will you? Youll make me swerve.
Theres a diplodocus! Were in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I cant believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didnt bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and well be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic maybe Ill get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really I dont know how you can even tell the difference.
Hey! Theres a chance to get some pictures of some stegosaurs! See these photos will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior! Paleontologists will pay through their nose to see these! Take a picture of this one. Hes smiling. Just a minute. Just a minute.
The big stupid ultrasaur takes a long drink... a VERY long drink! The ferocious allosaur is thirsty too! This means confrontation! ..ah heh heh... Fortunately this allosaur is the patient type. Dont make me smack you across the hall twerp.
Whats THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! Im right here. You dont need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. Youre going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!
Quick! Thow him the food! My sandwich had mustard. Is this one yours? Put on your vortex goggles! Were taking off! Eww this banana is mushy. He can have THIS. We did it! Were off! Here. Boy that was a close call. Bit it will be worth it when we get these pictures developed. Since I rescued your sandwich can I eat it?
Hey Mom guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! Thats just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic but we returned at the split second we left! Thats why it didnt look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well youve had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? Ill pay you back
Hobbes look! We got our pictures back from our jurassic trip! Oh boy! Lets see! Wow these came out good! Look at that apatosaur! Theres me! Theres me! Yes! Yes! Were RICH! Ha ha! Now we can get our own apartment! This dinosaur blinked. Ill buy a car too but since I cant drive for another decade well have to get a chauffeur. If we pay him he has to let us sit up front and beep the horn right?
Well Dad its too bad you werent any nicer to me all these years. Beg pardon? Yep I cant say Im particularly including to share my future millions with you. Here look. Dinosaurs? Hobbes and I went to the jurassic today and came back with these dramatic photographs! Were going to be rich. I didnt realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. HEY WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!
Dad doesnt believe we went to the jurassic and took photographs of real dinosaurs. He says it looks like we just put my toy models in the yard and took pictures of THEM! He says our get-rich-quick scheme wont work. Huh! He said if we REALLY wanted to get some money hed pay us a dollar to pull weeds out of the front walk. Just a dollar? Of course I told him we didnt want the money THAT bad.
I hate Sundays. The day of is ruined by knowing Ive got to get ready for school tomorrow. Why dont we get your chores done NOW so we can enjoy the rest of the day without worry? Hmm... I hate to delay fun but maybe youre on to something. This will make the fun MORE fun. At last! We got everything bad out of the way! There you are. Its time for bed. See if I ever listen to YOU again! Never put the low priorities first.
A toast to us! To us! Best friends forever! Right! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
Hi Dad. I suppose youre wondering how youre doing in the polls. Not really. I think youll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the Average Dad approval rating of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See by midnight youre right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?
My tiger it seems is running round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
People dont understand me. They dont realize Im a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See it says Calvin certified genius. Wow you have a certificate? Well not really but no one every checks those things. I just say its at the frame shop. Pretty smart. Im a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver?
AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I cant dissect anything?
You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! Its like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isnt that silly? Cmon around back. Ill show you something else!
The center snaps the ball to the quarterback! No he doesnt? NO! Secretly hes the quarterback for the other team! He keeps the ball! A traitor! Calvin beaks for the goal! Whee! Hes at the 30... the 20... the 10! Nobody can catch him! Nobody WANTS to! Youre running toward your own goal! Huh?! When I learned you were a spy I switched goals this is YOUR goal and mines hidden! HIDDEN?! Youll never find it in a million years! I dont need to find it! As a traitor to your team crossing MY goal counts as crossing YOUR goal! Ah you might THINK so... In fact I KNOW so! But the place I hid MY goal is right on top of YOUR goal so the points will go to ME! But the fact is Im really a double agent! Im on your team after all which means youll LOSE points if I cross your goal! Ha ha! But IM a traitor too so Im really on YOUR team! I WANT you to cross my goal! The points will go to YOUR team which is really MY team! That would be true... IF I were a football player! You mean...? Im actually a badminton player DISGUISED as a double-agent football player!! And IM secretly a volleyball-croquet-polo player! Sooner or later all our games turn into Calvinball. No cheating!
With a distant rumbling great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly theres a blinding flash of light! Its Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second the house below will be in a million pieces! I know its raining out but play a board game or something.
Every day its the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybodys a slave to routine.
Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You dont need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped like a bug. I dunno it seems like once people grow up they have no idea whats cool.
Geez I gotta have a REASON for everything?!
Boy when its THIS hot I dont want to do anything at all! Fortunately that was our plan from the start.
ME TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know youre over here like this? I dont think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
The intrepid Spaceman Spiff is stranded on a distant planet! .. our hero ruefully acknowledges that this happens fairly frequently.. To survive Spiff must... ...find... food! Spiff follows a scavenger mordon! Perhaps theres a fresh kill nearby! Ughhh! The stench! Our hero becomes a vegetarian on the spot! But the grasses are indigestible! The fruit is poisonous! Theres nothing to eat at all! Weak and despairing Spiff peers into a frozen geyser pit! Whats down there? Ice cream sandwiches! Our hero is saved! Thats not very healthy. I only need to survive until I escape our hero mutters grimly.
Off to work eh Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover dont you think? Too bad thats a luxury at your age. Well maybe you can do it when youre 65. Im sure youll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
You know whats weird? I dont remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I mustve been brainwashed! Good heavens what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
MOM! Theres a big horsefly on the back of your head! Dont move! Ill get it! Ill get it! Is it still there? You didnt move did you? Get away from me!
Arr! Were bloodthirsty pirates! Avast ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. Whats this? Our booty!
Hey Mom did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft flat surface? Its tru. Heavy matter like planets sinks into the surface and anything passing by like light will roll toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing huh? And speaking of gravity I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
You know. The world shouldve been designed so everyone didnt have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly couldve used a more even distribution of its resources thats for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible isnt it?
The world isnt so bad if you can just get out in it.
Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small he puts out tremendous energy. To hover his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!
Once upon a time there was... Hold it. Whats the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story. Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?
What are you doing? Im practicing my sneers. Theres nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. Hows mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! Its like getting seven extra years!
WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) Im quitting if we dont stop using this tennis ball.
AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldnt last two seconds in the jungle. THATS WHY I LIVE HERE YOU DOLT!
What are you doing down there Calvin? Shh Mom! Go away! Susies coming down the walk and Im going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh no youre not! Put those down! AWWW MOM! Dont throw crab apples at ANYone. Theyre hard and you could really hurt someone. OK OK. What are you doing there Calvin? Shh Susie! Go away! Im going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.
I love fall. I like the cool days the smell of leaves the low sunlight... and the sky looks even more blue when the trees are yellow and red! I dunno... I think autumn is melancholy. Summer is over and in a week or two everything will be hunkered down for the long bleak winter. Nothing lasts. Fall is just the last fling before things get worse. If good things lasted forever would we appreciate how precious they are? I like to have everything so good I can take it all for granted. I think the brisk air makes apple pie taste better too! Mm-mm!
Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. Thats first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. Youve got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldnt object to me being exposed to art movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking right? OK first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!
Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub
Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that weve accumulated more than we really need... that weve accepted too many demands... Well Thoreau says Simplify Simplify. Maybe thats what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.
Hello? Hi Dad! Its me Calvin. Calvin unless this is REALLY important hang up OK? Im very busy. OK Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes.
Calvin I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well you didnt do a very good job then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do and always do the best job possible. I dont need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO.
Huhh UHH! I wouldnt be worried about this if he was a better student.
My what an ugly tree? AAAGH. Where the heck did my leaf pile go?! It went back home! Dont you have anything bigger than a rake??
Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me OK? OK. You get some pencils and Ill get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No were going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Wont inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? Its only work if somebody makes you do it.
How are we going to invent a robot? We dont know anything about machines. Maybe YOU dont. Its easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever the pulley the inclined plane and um the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it Im an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.
Hi Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I uh want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? Im working on it. As I recall your bed is in your room. Im inventing a robot to make the bed but I need a grant. Can I have $50? Whatd she say? Did you get the money? Boy when were the cover story of popular mechanics Ill have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
OK the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No thats too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See Ive made recordings for the robots voice! Really? Sure! This way our robot not only communicates but we can also program him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life oh grand exalted master?
Hey Dad Im inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. Its not quite perfected yet but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? Thats the problem. We havent figured out how to make it do what we want. Dont get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.
Well Hobbes we might as well give up. I cant figure out how to make a robot. This one doesnt do anything. Its past your bedtime Calvin. Youll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK Mom. Our robot wasnt working out anyway. Gosh and we spent all day on it too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way he DID! Hey yeah! Were geniuses!
Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. Ive never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
Hi Calvin! Arent you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All IVE got to say is theyre not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME then by golly its good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up thats what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight and then FFFT Im outta here!
The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! Theyre gaining! Spiffs only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh clapping the erasers heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I cant believe its not even 8:30 yet.
I want that truck Twinky. Its mine Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe you cant just TAKE things from people just because youre bigger! Im not taking it. Youre GIVING it to me because well both be so much happier that way. How touching.
What a day. IM HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when youre not around. Theres going to be some ruckus NOW buddy-boy!
Is it? It IS! Its SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! ITS SAAATURDAY! Youre getting up? Its barely light out! Im going to the office and get some sleep.
Im home! ...sighhhh... My life could stand a lot more pizzazz. Tell me about it.
Help me with this homework OK? Whats 6+3? 6+3 eh? Well this one is a bit tricky. First well call the answer Y as in Y do we care? Now Y may be a square number so well draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then well measure the diagonal. I dont remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesnt know higher math. When you deal with high numbers you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK here Ill draw a bigger square.
Hey no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didnt take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When youre as far ahead of the class as I am it doesnt take much time. Well see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. Youre going to talk to my teacher? Im sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good you didnt need to bother coming really! She said you dont have to go!
Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! Im as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well its a question of perspective. Still I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy if you think Im even going to BE here youre crazy!
Im home. How was your meeting with Calvins teacher? Well when we got to the classroom we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their childs seat. Thats a cute idea. Did you find Calvins picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs six eyes and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there.
Calvin I... YIKE!! Youre home! I didnt even finish pack... that is um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesnt like me! She hates little boys! Its not MY fault! IM not to blame! She told you about the noodles right? It wasnt me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldnt do anything like that! Im innocent I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didnt say noodles.
OK Calvin lets check over your math homework. Lets not and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! Youve written here 8+4=7. Now you know thats not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You cant ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! Its a free country! Ive got my rights!
Now if it would only snow! While were waiting Ill draw more spirals above Susies head.
A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls its none other than our fearless hero Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!
In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first the planet slowly moves towed along by our hero until... ...breaking orbit planet 6 picks up speed hurling towards planet 5!
Pulled by Spaceman Spiff planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5 being smaller is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!
How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in Calvin. Your times up. SIGHHHH. Dont forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bets off! I dont gamble! No bets!
I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! Id have had a perfect score too if Id had a few more minutes! What did you get? Its biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because youre a girl! Its not fair! Pay up. Maybe its opposite day! Maybe all these Xs mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your A is really an F! That must be it! I win the bet!
How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part though was that Susie Derkins won our bet on whod get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think youre better study harded. Oh now dont YOU start on me.
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Look Hobbes I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See I just hold it up like Im on TV. Wow your own show! Too bad I cant really force my way into millions of peoples homes each day. But on the other hand no one ine THIS home can turn me off!
So whats it like being on TV? Its great! Now that Im on television Im different from everybody else! Im famous! Important! Since everyone knows me everything I do now is newsworthy. Im a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch Ill use my prestige to endorse a product!
Hi Im Calvin eminent television personality here to tell you about new improved Chocolate frosted sugar bombs! I love em! Theyre crunchy on the outside chewy on the inside and they dont have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes kids youll like em so much you wont be able to sit still! Remember! Its the cereal I get paid to recommend because Im famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Dont you threaten ME.
Hi Mom! Ive got my own TV show! Thats nice. Hes Ca-a-alvin! Amazing great Ca-a-alvin! Oh hes the one that youd like to meet! Hes the one who just cant be beat! Hes ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No really sit down! Thank you! Thank you! Im changing the channel OK? Sorry Im on all the networks.
Wheres your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. Ive got an idea for a sit-com called Father knows zilch.
What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and its just a big mess! I think youre supposed to connect them in the order that theyre numbered. Oh. Everythings gotta have rules rules rules!
Doesnt it seem like everybody just shouts at each other nowadays? I think its because conflict is drama. Drama is entertaining and entertainment is marketable. Finding consensus and common ground is dull! Nobody wants to watch a civilized discussion that acknowledges ambiguity and complexity. We want to see fireworks! We want the sense of solidarity and identity that comes from having our interests narrowed and exploited by like-minded zealots! Talk show hosts political candidates news programs special interest groups... they all become successful by reducing debates to the level of shouted rage. Nothing gets solved but were all entertained. Hmm you may be right. What a boring day THIS turned out to be.
33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! Its clear Ill never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown!
What this game needs are negotiated settlements.
How come YOURE the one who goes to work and not Mom? Well your Mom USED to go to work but once you came along someone had to stay home. Your Moms job had a lot of stress and aggravation see ... and she wanted to quit? No shed gotten used to it so we figured she should be the one to... HEY!
Get off the swing or Ill punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now when Im successful and happy ... and hes in prison... I home Im not too mature to gloat.
Give me a nice smile. Thats good. Now dont make a face OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click*
Oh great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
See any weirdness yet? How about this rock? It has a purple stripe. Hmm... I guess thats a LITTLE weird. Well look for something weirder. What do you think of this stick? Its a strange stick but not a weird stick. Its too bad there arent any good bugs out now. Yes bugs are usually weird. Hey heres a bird feather. Its pretty. But its not weird. A bald bird would be weird. I dont see one. Look! A ripped-up old kite! Some kid must have lost this last summer! Phooey. The string broke here. I was hoping wed find the kids skeleton up a tree at the other end. THAT would be weird. Well lets go in. Im cold. Me too. I guess some days weirdness is hard to find. My glasses are fogged and I cant blow my nose but my heart rate is the envy of men half my age! Weirdness always starts at home. Even when you look for it youre never prepared for it.
Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebodys always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do!
That cloud of stars is our galaxy the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder whats on TV now.
Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I dont matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me!
Hobbes do you think our morality is defined by our actions or by whats in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW whats in our hearts. I RESENT THAT!
They say winning isnt everything and Ive decided to take their word for it.
I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHATS RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I dont NEED to compromise my principles because they dont have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
POW! Did you throw that snowball at me?! What snowball? Ohhhh. Dont play innocent with ME buster! That snowball had your name written all over it! Oh yeah?! Yeah! It was sneaky fiendish vicious treacherous grim and ruthless! Put all that together and it spells tiger! No it doesnt! It spells Calvins new name is Mr. Stupid Soggyshorts! Ooh THAT does it! Ow! Hey! Stop that! Quit it! Leggo! No fair! No biting! Hey Calvin you should have seen your expression when I hit you with that snowball! Ha ha! Ah hehh...
Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I dont know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? Were going to be late. Well I cant goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. Theyre not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!
DING DONG Its ROSALYN! Answer the door will you please Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out so we wont be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi Rosalyn. What are you talking about Calvin? You cant go out if Mom cant find her shoes right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh nothing! Ha ha! Um why? Are her shoes missing? Id like to be paid in advance tonight.
Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now were here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK you get in bed. WHAT?! Its not even 6:30! She remembers all right. She cant get away with this. Well call the rescue squad.
Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didnt hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look and make sure its not anything scary? Ill check but I didnt hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please oh please! Yes yes yes! See? Theres nothing out here.
See Calvin? Theres nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look OK? Please? OK if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP ILL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till were SICK! Oh boy! This is the best weve EVER been baby sat!
CALVIN WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Dont worry Rosalyn! Theres only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! Shes trying to open the downstairs windows. Its OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! Whats in your purse? Mind if we look??
Lets try this path over here! I dont see a path. Well MAKE a path! Huh boy. Change is invigorating! If you dont accept new challenges you become complacent and lazy! Your life atrophies! New experiences lead to new questions and new solutions! Change forces us to experiment and adapt! Thats how we learn and grow! Whoops... well HEREs a fresh challenge. Ill admit its opened up new horizons. The problem with new experiences is that theyre rarely the ones you choose. I feel smarter already.
CALVIN IM TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! Youre not supposed to BE watching television! Hey if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie well put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us Venusian Vampire Vixens!
CALVIN! Hang on Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope its your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy youll be in trouble THEN! Its your boyfriend Charlie! Should I tell him that youre indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas dont you think youre settling for too little in the girlfriend department?
Isnt it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? Its so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN YOUVE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! Im telling you Chuck your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope youre not makingany long-range plans around her.
Wow this is fun! All the TV shows were not allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops I think its past my bedtime.
It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasnt just MEAN it was DANGEROUS. If youd hurt yourself or if there was a fire she wouldnt have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-Im sorry Rosalyn. And were sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.
Boy did I get in trouble. Stealing Moms shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. Thats a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesnt help. You said it.
Wow it really snowed last night! Isnt it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh clean start! Its like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! Its a magical world Hobbes old buddy... ...lets go exploring!
Another gorgeous brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
Dont sit next to me Calvin. I dont want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I wont talk about lunch at all. Instead do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. Whats the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I cant think of a difference either.
Get off the swing Twinky. Forget it Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! Its hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
IM HOME! Theres no point in saving your lunch bags if you cant keep them cleaner than THIS! Thats what YOU think.
... tranquil Mt. Calvin... Suddenly with a shaking rumble he blows sky high! Hes a live volcano! Geysers of molten lava spray into the heavens! I TOLD you that chili sauce was hot! GLUG GLUG GLUG Yechh he spewed it all across the table!
Outrage! Why should I go to bed? Im not tired! Its only 7:30! This is tyranny! Im ZZZZ Good night Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. Youre safe. What about the dresser? Calvin Im sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. Ill bet thats where they all are. Theyll come out and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So whos going to fall asleep? Well well just have to get the monsters first. You irritate them with this horn and Ill nail em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hear one coming! Whats all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? I think I wounded him. Give me the bat and Ill finish him off!
Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. Its my very favorite too. So I dont want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Thats beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
Hello? Hi Dad. Its me Calvin. Youre supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? Whats the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick whats 11+7?
I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by mans destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
What are you DOING?! Youre going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. Its sad how some people cant handle a little variety.
I wonder why man was put on earth. Whats our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food.
Z Z SNAP A little high-strung are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes
No! goodness what was all that fuss? Oh Calvin didnt want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! Im doomed. I cant believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! Ive got you now kid! AAUGH! Help! Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I dont want to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die fiend! Die die!! Dont tell me hes letting out the water already! Believe it lady.
Hello is your Dad there? No he isnt. OK will you write down my number and have him call me? Hold on. I need a pen. POW! AGHH! Ive been shot! I hate taking messages.
Mom do we have a shoe box I could have? Its for a school project. I think so. Lets see. Heres one. What are you going to do with it? Im supposed to make a diorama. Were studying the different ecosystems and Im going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. Ill need some glue and paper and stuff too. Im going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today but I told the teacher I wasnt quite finished.
Wow Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadnt neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! Whats the big deal?! Its not as if LIVES hang in the balance right? The fate of the universe doesnt depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! Thats keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance it would depend on whose they were.
This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I dont even know what a desert looks like? IVE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If theyd taken me to a desert sometime Id KNOW this stuff! Why dont you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah sure! Look Im a busy guy! Ive got other things to do with my life besides THIS you know! Right. Why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont?
Mom where do we keep the papier-mache? We dont have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. Youll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade itll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
Hows the diorama coming along? Im almost finished. That didnt take too long. Thats because Im a genius. I dont see the roadrunner. Werent you going to put one in? See the cotton balls I glued down? Yeah? The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leveing those clouds of dust!
Our hero the valiant Spaceman Spiff is marooned on a strange world ... Ill set my Mertilizer on deep fat fry. Calvin! Youre not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk! Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric death snarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave! Weeoo! Whats that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me Fred.
Youve never had an obligation an assignment or a deadline in all your life! You have no responsibilities at all! It must be nice! Wipe that insolent smirk off your face! The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
I hate doing this stuff! Its too much work. Why should I bother? Until you can stalk and overrun you cant devour anyone. I can see why tiger aphorisms dont catch on.
Live for the moment is MY motto. You never know how long youve got! You could step into the road tomorrow and WHAM - you get hit by a cement truck! Then youd be sorry you put off your pleasures! Thats why I say Live for the moment. Whats YOUR motto? Look down the road.
Ive decided I dont want to be famous. No? Nah. ANY idiot can be famous. I figure IM more the LEGENDARY type! Uh huh. Well I didnt mean right this second!
Can we burn these leaves? No that pollutes. But how can we appease the mighty snow demons if we dont sacrifice any leaves?! Well have a warm winter. I dont know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. I guess Ill go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean in heaven everyone is supposed to be HAPPY right? But people wouldnt be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand heaven wouldnt be very nice WITHOUT tigers either. I wouldnt be happy if there werent any tigers. Id miss them. Maybe tigers just dont eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldnt be happy.
We join our hero Megazorks above the planet Gloob ... Spaceman Spiff conqueror of the cosmos is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13! Spiff hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in! suddenly a searing bolt of deadly fram ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed. Another bolt! Spiff is hit!! Spiff is going down can he make it?? Is this the end?!? AAAAAA Spiffs alive! He made it!! Im alive! Ha ha ha! I kiss the sweet ground! Maybe you should play on the swings Calvin.
Hey Dad Ill guess any number youre thinking of! Go ahead and pick a number! Mm... OK Ive got it. Is it 92376051? By golly it is! Wait a minute! Youre just trying to get RID of me arent you?! No youre psychic. Go show Mom.
A lot of people dont have principles but I do! Im a highly principled person! I live according to one principle and never deviate from it. Whats your principle? Look out for number one.
Mom you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well by lunch time the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow Id like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches I want only the end pieces because they dont absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it she did it again!
Why look! You made your bed without even being told to! Thats wonderful Calvin! Gee your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah thats the reason I usually dont. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
Look out of the window! Its snowing! Theres must be almost half an inch! By morning Ill bet theres tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
That was quite a ride. Ill say. Ive never seen a sled catch fire before. Were lucky the pond hadnt frozen.
There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! Sunny and warmer today high in the upper thirties ... Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation well let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together a veritable fist of defiance we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!
Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what youre learning from this. Im learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else.
Im writing my Christmas list Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I cant think of anything. NOTHING?! You dont want anything at ALL?!? Ive got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. Thats why I used a box. I hope Santa doesnt throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! Ive been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!
This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about of course. A paragon of virtue thats you. Right! But see there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light if one didnt consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Moms sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment I wouldnt do things like that.
I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean lets face it a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer OK? Its easy! Me?? Sure! Heres a legal bad! Youre all set! OK but I dont take pro bono cases.
OK Hobbes as my lawyer youll need to review the facts of my case. Right. Well try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. Were not copping an INSANITY plea you moron! Were saying Im INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense so watch it buster. Youre supposed to argue that I havent been bad this year and I deserve to be on Santas good list! If THATs our case I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.
Very grim Calvin. Youre still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it Calvin. Gagpth! Im free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! Youll never escape vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... Its your fault we didnt have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.
When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh I dunno. Probably a little after New Years. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes theres still tinsel on the tree too so you dont even have to decorate it! Well save time AND money! OK what did your Dad tell you THIS time?
Yes Calvin? You have a question? Yeah I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then lets all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME then?
For Show and Tell today I have something that will astound and amaze you! This little guy can... Have you all had your shots?
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think Im falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there arent monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. Theyre all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why were dust balls! Yeah LITTLE dust balls!
EWW! Whats THIS disgusting stuff?! Its spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if theyre too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why I believe were going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I dont feel like opening my mouth. Hey I LIKE it!
Want to go play outside? No its too much trouble. FIRST Id have to get up. THEN Id have to put on a coat. THEN Id have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then wed run around and Id get tired and when we came in Id have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? Im just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. Ill tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks you could get me the remote control.
I love winter days. Theyre so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey you dummy! Youll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
Want to help me write a book? Sure. Whats it about? Well you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. Im writing a fictional autobiography. Its the story of my life but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book I have a flame thrower!
Still and quiet feline form in the sun asleep and warm. His tail is limp his whiskers drooped Man what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh...
Hi Mom! Im making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Thats nice. Now Im looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
Hi Dad. Im making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure what do you need? Well you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called Dopey Dad. So in the next panel Dopey Dad yells Its bed time for YOU young man! Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!
Ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh I wish wed ged ad aquariub!
What story would you like tonight Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no not again! Thats what you hear EVERY night! Lets read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Cmon well read a new story tonight. Youll like it I promise. No I wont! Ill stay awake until morning if you dont read Hamster Huey! I didnt remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST.
OK boys have we loaded everything? Ah theres still the matter of this Calvin sir. His list is 30 pages long not including the supplement about incendiary weapons. The research dept. thought you should handle this one personally. Well is he naughty or nice? Ah a bit problematic chief... heres his dossier. Ohhh yes the noodle incident kid... That was a while ago boss. he says he was framed and weve had trouble verifying the particulars. Accounts seem to vary. What about all these slushballs thrown at the girl down the street? My my my! No dispute there. Surveillance documents some 400 incidents but the kid claims extenuating circumstances. Hmm... dont they all. A tiger vouches for the kids character... says the kid tries to be sort of good if hes not tempted otherwise. What do his parents say? Heres the Dads comments. Were looking into the sarcasm factor. all right. Ive made up my mind. Is the boy asleep yet? Ah no. Hes wide awake. Santa wont come until were asleep you know. I CANT TAKE THE SUSPENSE!
ANY dumb kid can build a snowman but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!
Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time Im taking advantage of my mediums impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! Its too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.
Hows your snow art progressing? Ive moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in todays world. By abandoning representationalism Im free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well cmon its just snow.
Dad if you threw a snowball at someone but deliberately missed would that be bad? Well I suppose that would be provoking so yes it would be a little bad. As bad as if youd hit the person? No not THAT bad but worse than if you hadnt thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
Boys this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No I think youve had enough. I didnt say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well I dont think Hobbes needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. Thats what she said. Im lean! Im mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous.
Im home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look I dont want to sew Hobbes up again so why dont you two go do something quiet? Okay okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! Thats because she wanted another tiger not you!
How are you doing on your New Years resolutions? I didnt make any. See in order to improve oneself one must have some idea of whats good. That implies certain values. But as we all know values are relative. Every system of belief is equally valid and we need to tolerate diversity. Virtue isnt better than vice. Its just different. I dont know if I can tolerate that much tolerance. I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
No! No! No! I need more sleep! I c-cant keep m-my eyes open! Bed?! Already?? But Im wide awake!! My internal clock is on Tokyo time.
I sure am great! Im one of the greatest people who ever lived! How lucky people are to know someone as great as me! Im great in so many ways! In fact Im so great that my greatness is... Youre not great! Youre the most conceited blowhard Ive ever met! When youre great people often mistake candor fo bragging.
Here Ill hang up your coat. Thanks. If youve been looking for Hobbes he somehow got put in the closet. I just found him way back in there. Waiting for me in the CLOSET eh? Too bad your little plan was THWARTED!! Why dont you hang up your coat yourself?!
Oh yeah? Define well-adjusted.
Why does man create? Is it mans purpose on Earth to express himself to bring form to thought and to discover meaning in experience? Or is it just something to do when hes bored?
It says here that Religion is the opiate of the masses. ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadnt seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? Theres nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When youre old youll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
1. Explain Newtons First Law of Motion in your own words. Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.
Im ready for anything! Are you ready for unconditional surrender? That above all else.
BRBBBBRBBBB. Their tummies shouldnt be so soft and fuzzy if youre not allowed to do that.
... and so with nothing left to life for he obeys the chanted command from the distant crowd below.
Next on Eyewitness action news: blood-spattered sidewalks and shroud-covered bodies! Could the next victim be YOU?? Well get the story from the sobbing hysterical relatives and well tell you why YOU should be paralyzed with helpless fear! Thats Eyewitness action news! Its what YOU need to KNOW!
When I grow up Im going to be a scientist. Ill dedicate my career to the proposition that man can reshape the Universe according to his own whims. Ill probably go into genetic engineering and create new life forms. You want to play God? Not exactly. God never bothered to patent his stuff.
McZargalds ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served. Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
Some days you get up and you already know that things arent going to go well. Theyre the type of days when you should just give in put your pajamas back on make some hot chocolate and read comic books in bed with the covers up until the world looks more encouraging. Of course they never let you do that. Is today one of those days? IT SURE IS!!
On gray days when its snowing or raining I think you should be able to call up a judge and take an oath that youll just read a good book all day and hed allow you to stay home. So youd only go to school on sunny days? Well no on sunny days he judge would let you play outside. Hes quite a guy. Hed make you go to school if it was hot hazy and humid with a lot of bugs.
Pssst! Whats 7+6? Three hundred billion gazillion. Oh thanks for the big help! Thats a three followed by 85 zeroes. Ah! I knew that.
Im thinking of starting my own talk radio show. Ill spout simplistic opinions for hours on end ridicule anyone who disagrees with me and generally foster divisiveness cynicism and a lower level of public dialog! It would seem you were born for the job. Imagine getting PAID to act like a six-year-old!
Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh Oh boy Oh boy Oh boy HA HA HA HA HA HA. Obviously Ive tapped into some primeval well of the human psyche.
Snow sharks? That guys a goner.
What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel Supertoad goes Plooie and ... My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end. Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
Look at my new invention Dad! I unraveled a hanger and poked it out the back of my pants to make a tailhook! Now with a rope stretched across the doorway I can blast into a room at top speed and the hook will grab the rope and stop me before I crash out the window on the opposite wall! Well? Dont just sit there man! Get out some patent applications! I wonder how many fortunes hes let slip through his fingers.
As an artist Ill speak to future generations long after Im gone! Smart thinking. I call this Nude descending a staircase.
Everything is so darn hard! I wish I could just take a pill to be perfect and I wish I could just push a button to have anything I want. The American dream lives on. Why should I have to WORK for everything?! Its like saying I dont deserve it!
Look its almost 11 oclock! Wow the last two hours really flew by! I hope the teacher didnt say anything important.
Outta my way Twinky. ...and suddenly the Earth opened up! Wailing helplessly Moe tumbled head over heels down the smoking chasm until he splashed into the molten magma at the planets core where he slowly melted before igniting in a spitting fireball of grease!
How in the world did you get in to the bathroom and back out so fast?
Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No Hobbes doesnt need one. Hold still. By golly what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! Cmere! Mom cant know youre in here okay? Ill disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on and Ill get one of Dads. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie too. Ill be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
In two seconds every kid in the lunchroom is going to wish HED thought of putting snow in his thermos.
Ahem. WAA! I HATE I JUST HATE RETRACTABLE CLAWS!! So are you through reading this?
If a groundhog sees his shadow today well have six more weeks of winter. So yell if you see one.
Tiger sprawling in the sun! Fast asleep his day is done. Lying here twas warmth he sought. The sun has made his tummy hot. One sad fact he overlooked: his brain is now completely cooked!
Dad says theres nothing cozier than a fire but I dunno...
Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! Youre so ugly I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! Its shameless the way we flirt. Whats it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. Thats love?!? Medically speaking. Heck that happened to me once but I figured it was cooties!!
One of my baby teeth came out. I have to say Im not entirely comfortable holding a piece of my own head.
Mom says the tooth fairy might give me 50 cents for this tooth. Wow! So I got an idea. poured plaster over this tooth to make a mold and now Im casting duplicate teeth. Ill put one under the pillow every night and by the end of the year Ill have over 150 dollars! Do you think the tooth fairy will believe your mouth had 300 teeth in it? If shed rather have an old tooth than 50 cents how bright can she be?
Look at this hilarious cartoon I drew! See this snowman is in a snow car and he says Darn it the engine froze up! Ha ha ha ha! Get it?? But if the car is made of snow the engine would MELT if it wasnt frozen. Either way it wouldnt run.
As I have created you so I can destroy you! Therefore in recognition of my supreme power you must worship me! Yes bow before the mighty Calvin and tremble for I am the eternal all knowing... PAFF
PIFF. I didnt do it! I never threw that! You cant prove I threw it! Besides I MISSED didnt I? The defendant petitions the court for a new trial on the grounds that his lawyer is incompetent.
Hello? Is your mother there? Whos calling?? Is this about ME?! cause if it is I didnt DO it! You got NOTHING on me understand?! You cant prove ANYthing! I tell you Im innocent! Just give up! Youll never get me! Oh here Mom its for you. Hi can I call you back? Go ahead and talk. I cleared it. Its cool.
Hey Mom can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! Whats wrong with you now?!? Thats it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We dont mind! Calvin be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. Ill look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobodys stopping to help. Lets blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! Were heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
Mmm... somebodys having a fire. I love the smell of a fire on a cold winter day. Isnt it strange how smells are so evocative but we cant describe them. Oh I dunno. That fire has a snorky brambish smell. I should have known animals would have words for smells. Its a little brunky but low humidity affects that.
Youre telling me that animals have their own words for specific smells? Well sure. OK whats the word for how wet leaves smell? Snippid. Whats the word for how I smell? Terrible. Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo.
Graphic violence in the media. Does it glamorize violence? Sure. Does it desensitize us to violence? Of course. Does it help us tolerate violence? You bet. Does it stunt our empathy for our fellow beings? Heck yes. Does it CAUSE violence? ... well thats hard to prove. The trick is to ask the right question.
Most people dont know what its like to be a child prodigy so thats why Im writing my autobiography. Does your magnanimity know no bounds? Genius has its obligations. Hey how do you spell boogers?
I no longer wish to be called a boy. Isnt that what you are? Yes. But I find that term demeaning and sexist. What do you want to be called then? A chromosomally advantaged youth. That may not catch on.
Ahh what could be better than a Saturday 6-mile run at dawn in 20-degree weather... ...followed by a big bowl of gummy oatmeal and some dry toast! How about some dried-up prunes and a root canal? Dried prunes! Do we hasve some??
Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. Thats good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
With sheer brain power I will force this sled to carry me up the hill! But until I decide to do that Ill walk!
I wonder why people are never content with what they have. Are you kidding? Your fingernails are a joke youve got no fangs you cant see at night your pink hides are ridiculous your reflexes are nil and you dont even have tails! Of course people arent content! Forget I ever said anything. Now if TIGERS werent content that would be something to wonder about.
I like homework. I dont want to go outside. I want to do math problems. BLEHHH. My brain always rejects attitude transplants.
Look at how people are portrayed in comic strips. The women are indecisive whiners nagging shrews and bimbos. And the men are no better. Theyre befuddled morons heavy drinkers gluttons and lazy goof-offs! Everyone is incompetent unappreciated and unsuccessful! What kind of insiduous social programming IS this?! No wonder the worlds such a mess! I demand politically correct morally uplifting models in the funnies! Yes we all know how funny good role models are. And look all the kids are obnoxious brats!
Wouldnt it be cool if you sneezed and the spray from your nose instantly froze? You could break it off your face and have a 3-D sculpture of your sneeze! ... Well I think it would be cool. People wonder why cats are solitary.
CALVIN STOP RUNNING THROUGH THE HOUSE! The law is on the books but it would take all their resources to enforce it. CALVIN!
How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. Whens Christmas? Not for a long time. Whens my birthday? Not for a long time. Whens my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin Im trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
VROOOOMM BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP SPLUTCHH. Ack! Not so much! Not so much! I hate this stuff! Pipe down and eat.
What happened in Concord in 1775? Lets be honest. Youre asking me about Concord? I rely on the bus driver to find my own house from here. Concord could be on Neptune for all I know. And what happened 220 years ago?? Im a kid. I dont know whats going on NOW. I dont have a shred of context for any of this. Its hopeless Miss Wormwood hopeless. We both try to demoralize each other.
Look Hobbes this is my retirement fund. A comic book? This is the issue where they introduce the arch-villain Deathmeister! In a few years a rare mint copy of this will be worth millions of dollars! Needless to say I bought five copies sealed them in airtight plastic bags and put them in a box in the closet where the light and humidity wont affect their precious pages! How will these be rare and valuable if every kid in America has five copies? Were all counting on the other guys Mom to throw them away.
If I had a computer Im sure Id get better grades on my book reports. Youd still have to read the book and tell the computer what you want to say you know. Man whats all the fuss about computers?!
Want to buy my latest invention? What is it? Its a writers block! You put it on your desk and you cant write there any more! I must be years ahead of my time.
Whats the matter honey? You look down in the dumps. I dont have a hairy chest. Mom says some babes dont care. Thptpbt! Right.
Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No thanks. Well be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvins flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I wont take the dinner flight.
Sometimes all that feline dignity is just too much to keep up.
Today for Show and Tell I refuse to show you what I brought and I refuse to tell you anything about it! Its a mystery that will haunt you all your miserable lives! Youll never EVER know what I brought! You can beg and plead but Ill never end your torment! Ill carry my secret to the grave! Its the show and tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! AH HA HA HA HA! Everybody wants the same old thing.
Cigars are all the rage Dad. You should smoke cigars! Flatulence could be all the rage but it would still be disgusting. I see. Nicely put dear.
A box of new crayons! Now theyre all pointy lined up in order bright and perfect! Soon theyll be a bunch of ground-down rounded indistinguishable stumps missing their wrappers and smudged with other colors. Sometimes life seems unbearably tragic.
OK thats plenty of television. Turn it off. Ill mope and whine and argue! Ill get in the way! Ill get in trouble! Ill tear around! You wont have a moments peace if you make me turn off the TV! I noticed she had to think about it.
Hello? Yes Id like to speak with the chief of police. Hello chief? Is it a LAW that your socks have to match anything else youre wearing? HEY MOM LISTEN TO THIS!
How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. Ill be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. Were at war so if you get hit with a dart youre dead and the other side wins ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game isnt it?
Watcha doin? Looking for frogs. How come? I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul. Ah but of course. My mandate also includes weird bugs.
I am not scared of this ball. AAA! AAA! AA!
You just struck out for the next five innings. But it didnt get me!
I think angels are everywhere. You do? Theyre on calendars books greeting cards... almost every product imaginable. What a spiritual age we live in.
I like to set kites free.
Sometimes when Im talking my words cant keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we can think faster than we can speak. Probably so we can think twice.
Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I dont need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See Ill just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Moms going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
FREE! Ha ha! This walk goes to MY house. I know that.
YOUR house is over there. Want me to draw you a map of how to get there? Obviously Im not GOING to my house. Its a lot MORE obvious that youre not coming to MY house! I have to stay here until my Mom gets home. WHAT?! Says who?? My Mom and your Mom! You think I made this up? You think I want to be here?? Well its my Moms rule that you can sit in our yard but you cant come in the house. Your Mom didnt say that!
Let me in! Your Mom said I could stay here! No! Go away! You can wait in a tree! Im telling! HELLO? HELLO? CALVIN WONT LET ME IN! AAUGH! shh! shhh! OK OK! In fact heh heh heh why dont you go in ahead of me? I just remembered a big orange surprise waiting for you! Dont be scared! Yeah Im trembling. Ill just step way way back here!
Is this your big orange surprise? Doggone it Hobbes! Didnt you pounce?! Heres your tiger. He was by the door. WHATS WITH THE TIE?! Hello Susie. Come on in. My Mom didnt call and say I could go home yet did she? YOU DRESSED UP FOR A GIRL??!
Would you care for a snack Susie? Um OK. Thank you. Well? What have you got to say for yourself? When one entertains female friends one should try not to look quite as seedy as certain unnamed parties habitually do. Whos entertaining?! Whos a female friend? Who looks seedy?! A spotted tie is just the thing when youre wearing stripes! Tigers have a natual flair for causal chic! I cant believe this. Why didnt you kill her when she came in the door?! By the way if you had made proper introductions we might have smooched her hand. Here let me adjust the narrow end of your tie about eight inches.
What happened to YOU? Hobbes and I had a frank exchange of ideas. What are you doing? Homework?? I wasnt sure I understood this chapter so I reviewed my notes from the last chapter and now Im rereading this. You do all that WORK?! Well now I understand it. Huh! I used to think you were smart.
What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe Ill trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No thanks. Its bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think Ill have this little kid!! Help! Im being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! Hes got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? Its bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasnt taken.
Wheres Susie? Shes in the living room doing her homework. NOW? Shes not putting it off until bedtime? She says she needs to get it done so she can practice the piano when she goes home! Wow its like science fiction or something. The Gender from Outer Space!
This emergency meeting of the Get Rid Of Slimy girlS club will come to order. Dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Oyez! Oyez! As were all aware the enemy has infiltrated our territory and is spreading disinformatio to the effect that homework ought to be done right after school! As my Mom may have covert girl sympathies we must eradicate the hostile forces! Any questions? Yes could we poke some air holes in here? Too risky. The box of secrecy must remain secure!
OK we both understand the secret plan? Got it. But what about a secret code? A secret code? This secret plan doesnt need a secret code. Ahem. Section IV Article 12: Every secret plan needs a secret code. A. The more complicated the better. B. Everybody already knows pig latin. C. Phrases like code blue are cool. Our club charter never lies. Thats why this is such a great club.
Hey! I cant get out! Im stuck! Help! Calvin? Susie Im trapped in the hall closet! Open the door! let me out! Help! Help! Hurry! Quick! Im in the closet! Open the door and get me out of... SLAM HEY! YES!
Calvin are you slamming doors?! It wasnt me Mom! I didnt hear anything! LET ME OUT OF HERE CALVIN YOU ROTTEN BAG OF BARF! Whee! Our clubs finest hour! Wheres Susie? Beats me. Maybe she went outside. IM IN HERE! LET ME OUT! Why Susie? What were YOU doing in the closet of all places? He tricked me in there and held the door! Calvin...
Susie your Mom just called and shes walking over to pick you up. Finally! Ill talk you YOU in a few minutes upstairs. Bye Susie! Dont lock yourself in any more closets! We got rid of a slimy girl! What a great day of grossness! This goes in the log book! Id say some promotions awards medals and advanced degrees are in order! Should we get them before we get in trouble or after?
Hey Dad remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean Remember? Hobbes I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well hypothetically lets say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad hypothetically to his car? Well lets pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. Ill call the bus station. Que pasa senorita? I am el fugitivo!
Any monsters under my bed tonight? Maybe maybe not. You mean definitely yes? We didnt say that. WE? I mean I. ..uh.. that is if there were any of me. Shut up Winslow. Luckily for me monsters dont think clearly when theyre hungry.
We dont value craftsmanship any more! All we value is ruthless efficiency and I say we deny our own humanity that way! Without an appreciation for grace and beauty theres no pleasure in having them! Our lives are made drearier rather than richer! How can a person take pride in his work when skill and care are considered luxuries! Were not machines! We have a human need for craftsmanship! You had two days to write that paper. Two days?! Two days is NOTHING!
Its hard to know whats important in life. We dont notice the small stuff and were never prepared for the big stuff. What about the stuf in between? That stuffs boring. Lets hope bumbling along without a clue is important. According to the ads fresh breath and dry armpits are crucial.'
Can I get a drink of water? All right but hurry up. What are YOU doing home?! I prefer OUR water.
This bad grade is lowering my self-esteem! Then you should work harder so you dont get bad grades. Your denial of my victimhood is lowering my self-esteem!
Im the decisive take-charge type! Im a natural leader! See well go THIS way! Have fun. The problem is that nobody wants to go where I want to lead them.
Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible Calvin. Ill get you some cough medicine. It wasnt me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasnt me! I know but that cough syrup tastes awful. So youre going to have me take it? Nothing doing buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! Hes the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! Youre not fooling me one bit you stinker.
What was the significance of the Erie Canal? In the cosmic sense probably nil. We big picture people rarely become historians.
Remember when I was first born? I couldnt even turn myself over! My eyes wouldnt focus! I couldnt do anything! Think of all the work it took to develop the motor skills necessary to hold a crayon top place the tip of it on a page and to move it in predetermined coordinated motions! This picture is the result of six years unrelenting toil! A lifetime of effort went into this! Im still not paying you $500 for it. It will appreciate! Its an investment!
Calvin? Calvin! CALVIN! AAUGH! Sorry. My eyes were on screen saver.
Right here! Put it here! AAAA! Lets work on your underhand pitches. If you keep running away like that you wont catch any fouls.
Calvin are you chewing gum in class? Yeth. Do you have enough to share with everybody? Probably. But do you really think theyd want it?? It was HER idea...
Ahem. Hi. Whats the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see em?
Im taking the umbrella outside. Well thats showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Lets go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! Im flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Lets get some other kids and charge em!
I think I should stay home from school. Ive got a sore throat an ear ache a stomach ache Im seeing spots and Im dizzy. Ill call the doctor. Hold on I think its all clearing up! Yes. I think Im better now. Its pretty hard to hit that magic number of appropriately vague mildly serious but not quite worrisome symptoms.
What a pretty sky today! Its too blue. It needs some red. Red? Just a little right over there. Hang on. Thats better. Well Ill be!
Ah! I got the letter I wrote to myself! What did you write? Dear Calvin Hi! Im writing this on Monday. What day is it now? How are things going? Your pal Calvin. My past self is corresponding with my future self. Too bad you cant write back.
I got another letter from my past self. Whats it say? Dear future Calvin I wrote this several days before you will receive it. Youve done things I havent done. Youve seen things I havent seen. You know things I dont know. You lucky dog! Your pal Calvin. Sniff. I feel so sorry for myself two days ago. Poor him. He wasnt you.
Lets draw the line at the umbrella.
I hate all this wind! Boy this is unpleasant! Stupid miserable wind! What a lousy weather! What an awful day! Well if you cant change it whats the point of griping about it? Im not going to let a little wind be more annoying than me.
Honey we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While Im taking my bath you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad wont mind if I use his cologne will he? Well go easy this time. Think I should shave? No go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Heres a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of GQ! boy I look good in anything dont I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
This new issue of Chewing magazine tells how to set up a mandibular fitness regime! Basically they recommend interval training: chewing one piece of gum with lots of reps followed by chewing five pieces of gum at once so you can really work the masseter and buccinator muscles. Its a gruelling workout but you build strength AND endurance so you can come through in a clincher. Im sure the glory makes it all worthwhile. Plus you develop that chewers jaw that drives the girls wild.
Whats with the face? Im doing stretches. Chewing magazine says you should always warm up before you chew gum. Did you know that neglecting to stretch the temporalis muscles is the leading cause of gum chewing injuries? What about falling down while chewing and walking? With a good helmet the risk is surprisingly small.
In this issue Chewing reviews the new gum chewing apparel. This jersey is makde with Swet-Tek (R) fibers that wick away perspiration! The mesh collar keeps your sternomastoids ventilated and the zippered pockets hold spare gum and wrappers! Why is it covered with brand logos? That gives you the psychological edge of pretending youre sponsored. How can you tell if youre reading an advertisement a product review or the product itself? ID sure like to be a walking endorsement.
I need to get a heart rate monitor. What for? To make sure Im chewing at my aerobic threshold! Every day I want to see that Im chewing more gum faster harder and longer! Whats the point of attaching a number to everything you do? If your numbers go up it means youre having more fun. Sciece to the spirits rescue once again.
WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?! THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE IVE GOT!! AAAAAAA. Next time try a drink of water and a few deep breaths.
Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! Id say our afternoon just got booked solid!
Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I dont want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? Im not gonna spear any worms. I know ... lets just dump the worms in the water and when the fish come up to eat them well catch them in the net! Pretty smart huh? Thats what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Lets pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah whod want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
I suppose the secret to happiness is learning to appreciate the moment. I for example take great pleasure in being right here right now doing what were doing. Of course youre supposed to be at school. I couldnt appreciate those moments.
Why arent we hooked up to an on-line service so we can connect to other computers? Its bad enough we have a telephone. HELLLPPP!!
I hate when a lot of kids are on the slide. You wait forever to get to the top and then the ride is over so fast. And if you sit for a moment to enjoy the height everybody yells at you to get going. And sometimes the idiot behind you starts down too soon and he smacks into you at the bottom before you can get away. Yep the playground is a LOT more fun after the class starts. CALVIN!
PHOOMPP. Why are you crying? Im cutting up an onion. It must be hard to cook if you anthropomorphize your vegetables.
Calvin would you demonstrate the next problem at the board? Yes Miss Worm-wood. I would be hap-py to do an-y-thing you ask. I have been suc-cess-ful-ly pro-grammed to obey all di-rect-tives. I have no will of my own... my own... my own... my own. Doesnt anybody appreciate theater?!
Can I run the vacuum cleaner? No not until youre older. Im old enough! I could do it! Well maybe just this once if you do a real good job. That suppressed smile worries me.
Weve got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! Were going! Be good ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. Youre not my mom. So I dont have to do anything you say. Im going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldnt want me to have to call any of those numbers would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess Ill turn in. for eight bucks a night I dont put up with much.
Please excuse Calvin from class today. His genius is urgently required on a top secret matter of national security. Sincerely The President of the United States. P.S. Really. Nice try. Sit down. I gotta learn how to write in cursive.
How come grown-ups dont go out to play? Grown-ups can only justify playing outside by calling it exercise doing it when theyd rather not and keeping records to quantify their performance. That sounds like a job. ...except you dont get paid. So play is worse than work? Being a grown-up is tough.
A big part of life is boring routine. I need more excitement. So today Im going to have a new kind of cereal. This cereal doesnt have any chocolate frosting. It has fiber and raisins. Of course a bit part of life is horryifying surprise. Routines can be comforting. We tigers prefer to inflict excitement on others.
15 people in line and the teller goes on break without a replacement. After I wait ten minutes they open a new line for all the people behind me who have waited TWO minutes. Im waiting to pay and the cashier puts ME on hold instead of the person on the telephone. Have a nice day. Too late.
Have you noticed how nobody dresses up for anything anymore? People look like slobs wherever they go. Everybodys rude too. People swear all the time and you can forget about being addressed as Mr. or Sir. Theres no respect for anyone. How come I gotta change the world?!
Every Saturday morning is the same. We get up at the crack of dawn watch cartoons and eat sugary cereal until we fight and then Mom throws us out of the house. It never changes. Thats what I like about Saturdays too! First one downstairs get to pick the cartoons!
Look it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then Ill know better! Mom can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom sometimes shes pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. Youd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
WHACK. AAA!! What are you scared of? The balls not going to bit you. How do YOU know?
AA! AA! AA! AA! What do you mean you want a glove for the other hand too? Which word dont you understand?
AAA! CLOMP! How often have I told Calvin not to leave his stuff in the yard?!
Have you been hitting rocks with this bat? No why? Look at it. Its chewed up. You should take care of your equipment. The ball did this! Its what Ive been trying to tell you! These are fang marks! That ball is berserk! Its deranged! Its a menace! Why do I even bother?
PHOOOOFF. Wow! Look at the size of that one! bip. Secretly I was hoping for a deafening explosion.
Whats that smell? Either moms cooking dinner or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is Im not eating it. Im stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? Theyll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? Were having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? Ive never had monkey heads before! I wonder what theyre like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look is that a nose? Whats this? Brains? I didnt think theyd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is Im not eating it!
Aackkk. Ch... ch... ch... chocolate ch-chips... no. And get up off the floor. urgle.
Im a great believer in the value of novelty. I say anything NEW is GOOD by definition! It can shock insult or offend me so long as it doesnt bore me! If you cant give me something new then repackage the old so it LOOKS new! Novelty is all that matters! I wont pay attention if its not fresh and different! I see why timeless truth doesnt sell. Give me a good flash in the pan any day.
YAWWNN. YAWWNN. YYAWNN. YAWWNN. One of us should have left the room.
When I was a kid my Mom would take me to the big old department store downtown and I used to love riding the escalators. The escalators there had wood stairs and they used to click clack and creak. The wood slats on each step were maybe half an inch apart and I always wondered if ladies got their high heels stuck and got pulled under. Some of those escalators were very narrow - just wide enough for one person. Yep those old escalators had a lot more personality than these slick metal ones. Id hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.
Mmf. Rrgg. One! REWARD PLEASE!
Giving is better than having. When you GET something its new and exciting when you HAVE something you take it for granted and its boring. But everything you GET turns into something you HAVE. Thats why you always need to get new things. I feel like Im in some stockholders dream. Waste and want thats my motto.
No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although its not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
I heard that Miss Wormwood isnt here today. Really? Can we go home? Of course not. We have a substitute teacher. Can I send in a substitute student?
Whos our substitute teacher? Do you know? Mr. Kneecapper. Oh NO! Really? I heard he killed a kid last year! What?! Yeah some kid was talking in class so Mr. Kneecapper took him out in the hall and there were strange lumps in the cafeteria meatloaf that afternoon! OHH! Wait till she sees whats on todays lunch menu.
Things I will never like: 1. Drying off with a cold damp towel. 2. The feeling of seaweed wrapping around my leg. 3. Anything that was popular in the 70s. 4. Licorice yams or raisins. 5. That high-pitched screech that babies make. 6. Writhing maggots. Its comforting to know that there are certainties in life.
Life is full of possibilities. For example right now instead of waiting for the school bus I could stick out my thumb hitch a ride and spend the rest of my life in the Serengeti migrating with the wildebeests! The Serengeti is in Africa. You couldnt really hitch a ride there. Life is full of precluded possibilities.
Slurrpp. Sluurrp. AACKKPTH URGK BLUB! Id bet anything that the principal has a valve in his office that changes the water pressure.
Why are you digging a hole? Im looking for buried treasure! What have you found? A few dirty rocks a weird root and some disgusting grubs. On your first try?? Theres treasure everywhere!
Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Whos out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
Boy our family would sure be in trouble if YOU were bringing home the bacon! I AM NOT BACON!
Ouchywawa. Ive got a big owwy boo boo on my pinky. Thats too bad. When your ailments sound cute you dont get much sympathy.
When birds burp it must taste like bugs. Nobody ever pays me a penny for my thoughts.
Look at this Hobbes. I added it up and figured out I spend an average of four days a year taking baths! Four full days - morning noon and night - just sitting in the bathtub! What could possibly be a bigger waste of time than that?! How long did it take you to add this all up?
Wow! Look at this bug go! What on earth would make a bug hurry? Youre deluding yourself stupid! Nothing you do is important! Youre just a bug! Oh my gosh look at the time!
Im a man of few words. Maybe if you read more youd have a larger vocabulary.
Calvin quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin Im trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I dont care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! Were going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But were all through now. You won.
Its hot its humid its buggy theres no breeze and the air is full of pollen. But its SUMMER!
Hey ant youre working like a maniac and what have you got to show for it? Whats the colony done for YOU lately? What about YOUR needs? You dont owe anybody anything! Let the others fend for themselves! Move out! Discover yourself! Express your individuality! If they listen this should solve our ant problem.
Hello? It surrrrre is nice outside! Climb a tree! Goof off! *click* Dad harrasses me with HIS values so I harass him with mine.
Look! I caught a butterfly! If people could put rainbows in zoos theyd do it.
AAAAAAA. Youre awake? Oh boy! Lets go! N-no c-coffee f-for m-me th-thanks. Hehh hoo hehh
Why does ice float? Because its cold. Ice wants to get warm so it goes on top of liquids in order to be nearer to the sun. Is that true? Look it up and find out. I should just look stuff up in the first place. You can learn a lot talking to me.
We should make Dad a Fathers day card. Okay Ill draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning Dad! Happy Fathers day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes Early to bed early to rise. You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present but A penny saved is a penny earned as you say ... so Im now earning 6% on the money I didnt spend. Yes Dad. Thanks to you Im a happier better person. Good work Socrates. I knew wed made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
I cleaned and oiled your bicycle Calvin. What do you say I take some time and help you learn how to ride it? NOOOOOO!! Youre welcome. Mom! Mom! Dad HATES me!
Ive got the bike Calvin. Its not going anywhere. I can feel its going to throw me! Get ready to yank its wheels off! Just relax. Ive got you. How can I relax? Im uninsured and unarmed! Im as good as head! Push back on the pedals. Thats your brake OK? Yes well that was fun! Thanks for the lesson! Get back here. No really I think Ive got it! You can sell the bike now.
The trick to balancing is to have a little forward momentum. AAA! No momentum! No momentum! Just pedal slowly. Im holding the bike so you wont fall. Youll let go and the bike will launch me into the ionosphere! Trust me OK? TRUST you? I hardly KNOW you! Im your father!? What for six years?! When Im 40 well see how things are going along!
Look Calvin youve got to relax a little. Your balance will be better if youre loose. I cant help it! Imminent death makes me tense! I admit it! You need a goal. Concentrate on your goal. My goal is to dismantle this bicycle and mail every piece to a different country so it can never be rebuilt! OK thats not a good goal. WELL IM NOT CHANGING IT!
Think about the places you can go once you learn how to ride! AAAAA. Think about how impressed your friends will be! Think about how much fun youll have! AAAAAAA. AAAAAAAAAA. Think about inhaling. EEEP ahhh...
Ooh it doesnt look like the bike lesson went so good. It didnt. Dad LIKES riding his bike! He doesnt understand what its like for me! I HATE flipping over the bars getting chased around the yard and getting mowed down by a demonic machine! Is that what happened? No I tripped coming up the stairs.
Hobbes. You didnt bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No I prefer furry dipping. Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Dont tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
Darn ol rain.
Its not summer if your tongue isnt purple.
What does it mean when someone says to Give it the ol college try? It means you join your friends get some cheap beer order a pizza and forget about tomorrow. Thats not what it means! Where did YOU go to college? Never mind.
CAAAAAAALLLLLLVVINNNNN THAAAAATS EEENOUUGHHH. M-mom s-sure was m-movingg st-strangellly t-toddayy. Maybe shes right about how much sugar you put on that cereal.
Frank appraisal of your looks 50c. Any business? Not so far. But Im giving out lots of free samples.
What a lovely day for a hike! Its not so bad THIS way! No we wont carry you. Stop griping. This is so much work!
Guess whats short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If youre going to tear around do it outside!! Okay okay ...
Look at this! Mom got me a book from the library. Thats nice. NICE?!? Its SUMMER! I only get three short months to goof off! Im not going to waste these precious days reading BOOKS! Summers are for vegetating! Thats why the TV shows are reruns and the movies are sequels! No wonder the flies come out. Heck everyone KNOWS its not entertainment unless you can sit in the dark and eat.
Hey are you reading that book Mom got from the library? Mm-hmm. Is it good? Do you like it? Is it exciting? Are you having fun? Shh. HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY BE FUN WHEN ITS SO QUIET?!?
While youre reading that boring book IM going to go do something fun. OK. Ill be having the time of my life while youre sitting here yawning and wishing you were... AIEE! Ill just kind of read over your shoulder OK? No. Go do something fun.
I read this library book you got me. What did you think of it? It really made me see things differently. Its given me a lot to think about. Im glad you enjoyed it. Its complicating my life. Dont get me any more.
Im writing a fund-raising letter. The secret to getting donations is to depict everyone who disagrees with you as the enemy. Then you explain how theyre systematically working to destroy everything you hold dear. Its a war of values! Rational discussion is hopeless! Compromise is unthinkable! Our only hope is well-funded antagonism so we need your money to keep up the fight! How cynically unconstructive. Enmity sells.
Happiness 10c. What do you give people for their ten cents? A water balloon in the kisser! You take their money and then soak them with a water balloon?? Right. Whose happiness are we talking about? Who went to all this trouble?!
Its another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize its his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin the mighty giant goes on a terrible rampage striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! Its panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No I wont buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
How tall are you?
OK the map says to turn left at this tree and walk 30 paces. ...29 ...30. Whats here? My map shows a big hole. Wouldnt it be faster to make the MAP to conform to the YARD? Are you in some sort of hurry?
Art isnt about ideas. Its about style. The most crucial career decision is picking a good ism so everyone knows how to categorize you without understanding your work. You do goofy drawings on the sidewalk. Right. Im a suburban post-modernist. Arent we all. I was going to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldnt let me.
Times are tough for us suburban post-modernists. How so? Well people seem to be reluctant to pay for sidewalk drawings that stay where they are and wash away in the rain. And nowadays nobody wants tax money to support art and corporates wont underwrite me because Im not famous enough to advertise their cultural enlightenment. Couldnt you support your art with another job? What you mean WORK?
People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artists statement explains my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance. You misspelled Weltanschauung. A good artists statement says more than his art ever does.
Hey mom are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers darting this way and that! Oh no! hes caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock but I think Ill forget it.
Nothing is permanent. Everything changes. Thats the one thing we know for sure in this world. But Im still going to gripe about it.
PLOOSH. How can something seem so plausible at the same time so idiotic in retrospect?
I refuse to take out the garbage! I have the right to do whatever I want all the time! No you dont. I dont? Well it sure OUGHT to be a right.
BU-UURRPPP. THPTHH! PHTBT! THBBPPTT! BU-UURRRPP. What are you doing? Im hoping theres a mockingbird around.
RRIINGG RRINGG. Hello? No my Dads not here right now. Will I take a message? I dont know - whats in it for ME? People always assume youre some kind of altruist.
Oh just so you know... I am the downhill tumble and roll champ king of the toad finders captain of the high altutude tree branch vista club second place finisher in the round the yard backward dash premier burper state division sodbuster and worm scout first order and generalissimo of the mud ad mayhem society! Busy day? About usual. Want to hear what Hobbes is?
Boy its quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! Ill get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless of course he went so far as to ...
People ask why we tolerate a popular culture that celebrates violence and depravity. Because its entertaining thats why! If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill so be it! Let the business respond to consumer demand! The customer is always right. Shock and titillate me! Ive got money!
Popular culture isnt to blame for selling twisted values. Movies records and TV shows reflect the reality of our times. Artists depict hatred and violence because thats what they see. Why dont they see things of beauty and value? Because boring stuff doesnt sell. Such vision and integrity. Theres nothing like a good gunfight to uplift the spirit.
Another thing to remember about popular culture is that todays TV-reared audience is hip and sophisticated. This stuff doesnt affect us. We can separate fact from fiction. We understand satire and irony. Were detached and jaded viewers who arent influenced by what we watch. I think I hear advertisers laughing. Hold on I need to inflate my basketball shoes.
Onward came the meteors!
Bugs get on my nerves! The dizzy way they zip around the high-pitched noise they make their pesky size... everything about them is annoying! ... said the hyperactive whiny small child.
I want you to pick up your room today OK? Do I get paid? No. If I dont get paid how do I know its important?! You can trust a monther on that.
Go on three ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I cant believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a pop! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
MY water balloon is round and aerodynamic for grim accuracy and certain soaking! YOUR water balloon is long and floppy impossible to throw the slightest distance! The advantage is clearly mine! Do you surrender?
Hey theres no butter in the butter dish! My toast will get cold while I get another stick from the fridge! HAVENT I SUFFERED ENOUGH?? WHERE WILL IT ALL END?!? Mr. and Mrs. Empathy.
Im glad youre getting some exercise. Keep that heart rate up. Dad can take the fun out of ANYthing.
I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah its great to be male!
Vampire bugs! Run for your life! Theyre called mosquitos. So if they drink your blood you dont turn into one?
When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word thats the best time to jump in and change the subject! Its like an interception in football! You grab the other guys idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guys thoughts and express your own! Thats how you win! Conversations arent contests! OK a point for you but Im still ahead.
You know Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldnt survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go the slower time goes. Gotcha. Its 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. Were going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25 time still hasnt stopped. Has time stopped now? No just my heart. Well it looks like Einsteins a fraud wouldnt you say? No hes right! Look my watch isnt going at all any more!!
Just once Id like to see you manage this during the school year. YAAAAAAA.
Almost everywhere you go you can hear people radios and all kinds of engines. When youre actually confronted with the stillness of nature its kind of startling. Why you can even hear yourself think. This is making me nervous. Lets go in.
We rely on sight to confirm the existence of things. We dont believe in things we cant see. So how do we know that no-see-ums exist? Verification is ruled out by definition! Its an ontological quandary. Hold still a moment. Ooh I itch! Glad I could help.
Calvin time to come in! Aww Mom its not even dark yet! I didnt say it was. I said its time to come in. Its a cruel season that makes you get ready for bed while its light out.
Some people are pragmatists taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I wonder which YOU are. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles!
To help Mom prepare better meals Im compiling a book of recipes. I notice that all of them involve deep-fat frying. Im adding a chocolate syrup section now.
Wanna toss the ol pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but hes tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
Its hard to conceal a water balloon.
Ive got a water balloon hidden under this turban! Pretty ingenious huh? Ill bet the tower comes in handy. Why?
Couldnt I be sedated for this?! Oh dont I wish.
It used to be that if a client wanted something done in a week it was considered a rush job and hed be lucky to get it. Now with modems faxes and car phones everybody wants everything instantly! Improved technology just increases expectations. These machines dont make life easier - they make life more harrassed. Six minutes to microwave this?? Whos got that kind of time?! If we wanted more leisure wed invent machines that do things LESS efficiently.
Summer is butter on your chin and corn mush between every tooth. It was nice of your parents to let us eat outside.
...ewww... Ah! Ah! CHOO! This food is allergic to me.
Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life but his grip is weakening! He cant hold on! He ... he lets go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No no let him finish. This is very interesting so after you landed in Phoenix what happened? Well I dont care. Im not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well about then my gravity came back so I ...
Im a firefly. I see the flashlight.
Do we have any string? Sure. What for? A wick. Im saving all my ear wax to make a candle. Oh Calvin! BLAUGHH! Could I make a set of crayons?
Im filling out a reader survey for Chewing magazine. See they asked how much money I spend on gum each week so I wrote $500. For my age I put 43. And when they asked what my favorite flavor is I wrote garlic/curry. This magazine should have some amusing ads soon. I love messing with data.
Ever notice how people always try to do two things at once? They talk on the phone while they drive they watch TV while they eat they listen to music while they work... People never focus on any one thing to enjoy it or do it well. Youre breaking my concentration. WE focus on doing nothing at all!
I cant believe summer is almost over. Soon school will start. No more freedom no more long days outside no more fun. Well lets go make the most of the time we have left! Nah Ive reserved the rest of the month for moping.
Heh heh! If I miss this target THIS water balloon is reusable! Bad idea.
Do you think boogeymen really exist? I dont know. ... but if they do Im sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story Ive ever heard. Lets get back to the tent! I dont think Ill ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didnt you? I dont know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. Im glad we carried a generator all this distance.
Look! A quarter!! Wow! Im rich beyond my dreams! I can have anything I want! All my prayers have been answered! Maybe there/s more.
Id build a raft for this pond but I dont have a place to dock it. Ive always said youre a friend without pier. Huh? Nothing. Mm. I guess youre under a lot of pier pressure. Is something wrong with you?!
Heres Stinky the talking sock! Hi Stinky! Say something to Susie! Hello you ugly bucket of boogers! That darn Throw your voice ad made it sound like everyone would be fooled.
There arent many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business leaders? Sports figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck were lucky if they dont end up in prison! Fortunately if we cant get inspiration well accept entertainment. As usual the hero business is up to me.
Hello? Mm-hmm... No thank you Im not interested. Hmm? ... no I dont want... mm... as I said I dont... mm-hmmm... no I... mm... look Im not... hmm? DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT I HAVE A LIFE BEYOND THIS SALES PITCH AND YOURE INTRUDING ON IT?! There would be more civility in this world if people didnt take it as an invitation to walk on you. Im only civil because I dont know any swear words.
Hold it. Wait I need to... KACHOOO! Wow this is your best drivers license photo EVER! Until this expires I will be driving EXACTLY the speed limit!
Spaceman Spiff is hit! Hes going down! Fortunately our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planets atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiffs blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish Id brought my lunch today! Thats gross Calvin! If you dont like the cafeterias tapioca just leave it alone!
Hobbes is allowed to eat at the table with me tonight? And we get to eat early and have grilled cheese sandwiches? This is more like it! Boy you look nice. Thank you. ...uh-oh. Dibs on the French fries.
Calvin if you run these stockings...! Dear grab him! NO! NO! NOT ROSALYN! AAAAAAAAAAA! HELP! DONT LEAVE ME!! ... and the neighbors numbers are (pull a leg will you?) by the phone. I told you my rates doubled right?
OK Calvin listen up. Aaa! No! Im not going to bed! You cant make me! You and I are going to make a deal. A deal?! What kind of deal?? Im not making any deal! You dont give me ANY trouble tonight and well play a game. Whats the game? Kill the kid?! No way! Plus you get to stay up half an hour past your bedtime. Notice how obediently Im sitting here.
So whats the game I get to play if Im good? You decide. Pick your favorite game. Is this a trick? Can we really play my favorite game?? Sure why not? What is it? CALVINBALL!! CALVINball?? Get out the time-fracture wickets Hobbes! Were gonna play Calvinball! What the heck is Calvinball?
And if I do all my homework we get to stay up an extra half hour to play Calvinball! Oh boy! Here you can double-check my math problems while I start on my history. Weve got to get this done. You finished your math?? Were here to have a nice time. Try not to think about all the trouble Calvins getting into. Did you hear that?? It sounded like another sier.
I finished all my homework just like you said to Rosalyn. Great. are you ready to play your game then? First we need to make you a mask. A mask? what for? When you play Calvinball you wear a mask. Why? Sorry no ones allowed to question the masks. This sounds like a great game.
Dont turn out the light Dad! You didnt check under the bed for monsters! Im sure there are no monsters under your bed go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? Theres no answer. Do you think theyre gone? Maybe theyre just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy am I full! I mustve gained ten pounds today! Maybe Im getting a little plump! Youre bigger Calvin but theres no fat on you! I guess youre right. Im getting big but Im still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. Well go out the window.
Other kids games are all such a bore! Theyve got to have rules and they gotta keep score! Calvinball is better by far! Its never the same! Its always bizarre! You dont need a team or a referree! You know that its great cause its named after me! If you wanna.... Uh feel free to harmonize with Hobbes on the rumma tum tums. This was a mistake.
Ive got the Calvinball! Everybody else has to go in slow motion now! Wait a minute Calvin. I dont... You have to TALK in slow motion liiike thisss. Thiisss gaaaame maaakes noooo sennnse! Itssss aasss iffff yourrrre maaakinnnggg iiiiit uuuup aaas youuu gooo. Hobbes! She stumbled into the perimeter of wisdom! Run!! OH...
If Im in the perimeter of wisdom then I get to make a decree. A decree? Um... OK. I decree that you have to catch a water balloon that I throw high in the air. Oh NO! Man she picked up the nuances of this game FAST! Ha! This IS fun!
OK Calvin you have to catch the water balloon! AAA! Ha Im in the corollary zone! If I catch the balloon the thrower has to bend over and hold still! WHAT?! I CAUGHT IT!! HA HA HA HA! Oh this is going to be SWEET! Im taking Hobbes prisoner!
Hobbes! Dont guard Rosalyn! Im going to get her with this balloon! The tiger is my prisoner! I guess Ill just have to soak you BOTH then! Ha ha ha! Sorry Calvin I touched you with the babysitter flag. The babysitter flag?? Whats that? It means you must obey the babysitter. ...who says its a half-hour past your bedtime now. Lets go in. Awwwww! Darn babysitter flag.
Our house is still standing. Thats a good sign. Were home! Is everything OK? Fine. Calvin did his homework then we played a game and Calvin went to bed. Its awfully late for jokes Rosalyn. Ive noticed that when we play games with girls you get captured a lot. Some of us are just irresistable.
Quit squirming Calvin. Youve got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream Dad. It was great. Youre welcome. Im tired of pulling you. Its my turn to ride. Your Dad didnt get me any ice cream so I get to ride both ways. No you dont! Dad said tigers dont like ice cream! Its my turn to ride! Tigers dont know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. Im not pulling. Ive got news fuzz brain. Im not pulling either! Well then I guess well both just sit here until we die. Why do these walks always end up as rides? oh you need the exercise more anyway.
Wake up! Its time to get ready for school. Just checking. Im glad youre up and dressed. That should throw her off the trail for a while.
For show and tell I brought a little toy airplane. Its sort of ordinary I suppose. But I like to have it around. It reminds me that as soon as I save a little more money Ill buy a ticket and put so much distance between you chumps and me it will boggle your minds. Its not an attitude. Its a fact.
Original flavor ... wait heres Less sodium and heres Lite and heres Less fat. What if I wanted less fat AND less salt? What distinguishes Lite from these others? Does the Original flavor package imply that the others taste different? Frankly my life was plenty complicated BEFORE the potato chips.
Look at all this peanut butter! There must be three sizes of five brands of four consistencies! Who demands this much choice?? I know! Ill quite my job and devote my life to choosing peanut butter! Is chunky chunky enough or do I need EXTRA chunky? Ill compare ingredients! Ill compare brands! Ill compare sizes and prices! Maybe Ill drive around and see what OTHER stores have! So much selection and so little time! I think YOU should do the shopping. Did the manager have to talk to you again? Hey wheres the peanut butter?!
Ook ook ee! Ooh! Ook. In humor timing is everything.
I like cereal to crackle and pop when I put milk on it. See? Very entertaining. Ive never seen raisin bran do that. I put in an alka-seltzer.
Im hungry whens lunch? Right now. Hi Susie! Oh look youve got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! Hell grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! Hes a monster! No hes not. Hes a big cutie. Oh no! I cant look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
I need your help Hobbes. Whats the problem? The teacher said my book report was terrible and I need to do it over. Really?? Obviously I need a cooler letterhead logo. Ill add more lance-toting tigers around the Calvin shield.
I hear were having a fire drill today. Right. Wow! How exciting! I cant wait! Do you know what to do? You bet! When do they pass out the gasoline?
And so after a three minute downpour he became ludicrously attired for the rest of the day.
Not everyone can get a foll isometric workout by just yawning.
I wish school would disappear forever right now! To make a bad day worse spend it wishing for the impossible.
Uh oh I feel a sneeze coming on. Aaa! No tissue! No hanky! I... ah.. ah.. ah.. KACHOO! Of my limited options this was probably the worst.
Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen buster I think Calvins grades are bad enough already dont you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding tears like heck across the prehistoric valley.
Boy I hate school assignments! Miss Wormwood is out to destroy my life! What do you have to do? Make a leaf collection! What a dumb waste of time! How many leaves do you need? 50! I gotta collect 50 leaves! And just when I thought of a loophole the teacher said every leaf has to be a different kind. Shes got your number.
When do you need to present your leaf collection? In two weeks. Thats not so bad. You just need three or four leaves a day. Im not working on weekends. OK five leaves a day. And my weekdays are booked until next Thursday at 6pm! So you need 50 leaves an hour. See? Its impossible!
Heres a nice leaf! Do you want it for your collection? No. Why not? Its a beautiful afternoon! Im not going to waste it doing ridiculous busywork for school! But this would be one less leaf youd need to collect later. Yeah but its one MORE leaf than I need right now. Somehone its always right now until its later. Whatever THAT means.
Hi Calvin. Have you started your leaf collection yet? Ive been visualizing the conceptualisation process. Thats the hard part. IM almost done. Isnt it fun? Its like a treasure hunt! A treasure hunt?!? Are you crazy?? This is a stupid boring time-wasting forced assignment! This isnt fun! When life gives you a lemon make a lemonade. I say when life gives you a lemon wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!
Our leaf collections arent due for a week yet! How could you possibly be almost done?! I make it a game. I pretend its a contest to see how many leaves I can find each day. That way its not an assignment its fun! Did you know thats one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism? Ill bet another sign is moving to the next grade each year.
The teacher reminded us that we only have a week left to finish our leaf collections so we ought to be half done now. You havent even started. Yeah but I work better under pressure. Actually you work ONLY under pressure. That way the work time is more miserable but theres less of it.
Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey Hobbes! Cmon and jump in the leaves! Its fun! I dont know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they dont. Do they? Slugs? Ugh just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! Thats the problem with nature. Somethings always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Lets go watch TV. Is it 3 oclock yet? We can watch The Blob!
Mom I need to collect leaves for a school project. Could we go to the arboretum sometime? Sure. How about this weekend? Um it would be better to do it a little sooner. When is this due? Well my notebooks in the car and the park closes in 20 minutes. Calvin Im fixing dinner!
My leaf collection is doomed! I cant believe Mom wouldnt take me to the arboretum. No wonder I get bad grades! Well you did spring the idea on her at the last second... Thats when I thought of it! The problem is that Moms not flexible. What a stupid waste of time this is! I wish there was some way out of this assignment.
A UFO!! Take us to the Supreme Earthling Potentate. Um... well... Speaking. Ah! What luck. It was I who chose the landing site. Kudos for Navigator Nebular!
So uh what can I do for you? We are taking over your world. You are?? What for?? Earth is prime real estate. Location location location. I guess Id never thought about that. Charm atmosphere quiet galaxy... Actually the atmosphere needs cleaning. A good fixer upper.
As Supreme Earthling Potentate Im afraid I cant let you just come in and take over the planet. You make this difficult. Prepare for war. Lets not be hasty. Ill trade you Earth for 50 alien tree leaves. Pst! These primitive fools must use leaves as currncy! Its a deal! I need them by 8:00 tonight and they have to be properly identified and labeled. Hurry Nebular! At light speed we can just make it! our leader will be most pleased.
Youre trading the Earth for 50 alien tree leaves?! Ill have the coolest project in the class! And best of all we dont need to waste any more time on this! The aliens are doing all the work! We can goof off the rest of the day! But then the aliens take over the Earth. Well its not like the grownups have done such a bang-up job.
... so if you capture the other guys flag and make it back to your territory you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey you cant hide your flag in a tree! Its too hard to capture! Thats not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well its a rule now! From now on no flags in trees! Ok but I just tagged you so you have to go to jail. What?? Its a time out! I was making a new rule! You didnt officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on if you are discussing a new rule its automatically a time out. Ok time in! Tag! You cant do that! We have to say time in together! Since when?? Youre just changing rules so youll win! I am not! Im just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Whos a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way buster. I know all about those interest free bank loans to yourself!
Hey no TV until your leaf collection is done. Its getting done as we speak. Whats that supposed to mean? Lets see it. I cant show you until later tonight. Why not? You should probably sit down. man she didnt even want to HEAR about it.
Its almost bedtime and the aliens havent come back with the leaves. Its a long trip. What if they dont show up? They SAID they would. Maybe they got lost. Space aliens dont get lost! Theyve got superior technology! Everybody knows that! Its a big universe. Ill turn on some more lights.
The aliens still havent shown up! What are we going to do?? Ive got to turn in my leaf collection tomorrow! Ill bet those dumb aliens got back to their planet and procrastinated! Ill bet they have no respect for deadlines! Ill bet they put everything off and are doing a lousy job at the last second! How could anyone be so irresponsible? If theyre not here in five minutes Im not handing over the Earth! Theyve got to learn a lesson!
Look! I see headlights coming over the trees! The aliens are back! Man its about time! Cmon lets go get my leaf collection! Youre out collecting LEAVES at THIS hour in your PAJAMAS?!? Get back in bed!! I TOLD you! Space aliens gave me these! They just left!
Boy you look tired. Ill bet you were up late doing your leaf collection. Maybe but IVE got the best collection of all! MY leaves are from another planet! What?! See how bizarre they are? The labels are even written in an alien language! Look at their cool alphabet! It looks like you took 50 maple leaves and cut them into weird shapes. Aliens now own the Earth and I told them girls make good zoo exhibits.
The teacher didnt believe my leaves were from an alien planet. She said it was obvious I did the whole thing last night and I made a mockery of the assignment. Well shell be sorry when the aliens send her to the plutonium mines. She just wont admit it was a pointless project. Who cares about leaves?! What useless knowledge! I believe thats poison sumac youre holding. This?? What makes you say that?
Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Heres the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and lets do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. Ill go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? Cmere and let me explain something to you ...
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Hes at the 30... the 20... Calvins going for the touchdown! WAAA thwangg. Youre supposed to TACKLE me! I dunno... that seems so lowbrow.
You know school wouldnt be so bad if you didnt have to go every day. ... and if you didnt have to learn anything... and if you took away all the teachers and all the other kids. If it was completely different school would be great. A lot of things are like that. Nobody asks me how things ought to be. Ive got tons of ideas!
Yes Calvin? Hey kids on tomorrows show and tell Ill be bringing a big surprise! Will it shock you and amaze you... OR will it disgust and terrify you?? Find out tomorrow when I reveal my next SHOW AND TELL HORROR! Dont miss it! Returning to the LESSON.... Thats called a teaser by the way.
In the future everything will be effortless. Computers will take care of every task. Well just point to what we want done and click. Well never need to leave the climate-controlled comfort of our homes! No nuisance no wasted time no annoying human interaction... life. Life is too inconvenient.
Youre going to juggle eggs? Its a metaphor for life Hobbes. Each egg represents one of lifes concerns and the goal is to give each the appropriate amount of individual attention while simultaneously watching and guiding all the others. Life is about balance and staying quick and alert as everything threatens to spin out of control! And sometimes we make a big mess of things. But the important thing is persistence.
Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin will you please stop tearing around the house?! Youre driving me crazy! You said we couldnt go outside because its raining. Boy that sure worked. Were not allowed back in until when?
*KHHKHKT* Boy genius to fanged terror come in! Do you read me? Over! *KHKKHHKT* ILL take the walkie-talkie. YOU take the test. Ixsay inusmay ourfay! Urryhay!
Trick or treat! Wheres your costume? What are you supposed to be? Im yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when youre old and weak! Am I scary or waht?
Bok whiff whaff fiff foof I cant help but wonder what kind of desperate straits would drive a man to invent this thing.
Look! Geese flying south for the winter. Twice a year they migrate thousands of miles across the continent in an exhausting eternal struggle to fulfill natures unyielding demands. Ill bet that gets old real fast. You dont see ME keeping a summer home.
Why isnt my life like this situation comedy? Why dont I have a bunch of friends with nothing to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why arent my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why dont my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well-being when I have problems? Why dont you know any gorgeous babes? I gotta get my life some writers.
Know whats weird? Day by day nothing seems to change but pretty soon everything is different. You just go about your business and one day you realize youre not the same person you used to be. People change whether they decide to or not! Thank heaven for small favors. For example I used to be more tolerant of oblique aspersions.
Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Lets have some snow!! Its snowing! I can make it snow! Im psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh hes going to hate me for this.
I wonder how long its been since I last looked at the clock. Maybe its been an hour. Well actually its probably been only 40 minutes. Ill guess half an hour to be safe. 20 seconds?!? Its going to be a very bad day. Calvin sit up.
IM IN A VERY CRABBY MOOD SO EVERYBODY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE EVERYONE!! Nobody recognizes my hints to smother me with affection.
As a genius its important that I write a lot of letters. After all my correspondence will be the basic resource material for historians to reconstruct my life. My writing will provide countless fascinating insights for biographers. Such as how all your salutations begin Hey boogerbrain. Its been three weeks and I still havent received my X-Ray glasses!
Yikes! Not another extreme close-up on somebodys anguish and grief! Why do TV cameras zoom in so close to peoples faces that you cant even see their entire heads?! Do they think we cant read the persons expression from more than two inches away?! What a violation of personal space! What a shameless intrusion! What a heartless assault on human dignity! Why are you standing against the wall? Im watching TV.
AUGHH! THIS STUPID TOASTER BURNED MY TOAST!! Look at this! My toast is charred to a black cinder! I cant eat this! Its ruined! RUINED!! So stick in another piece of bread and watch it this time. Are you suggesting that this appliance didnt aggravate me with malice aforethought?!
I keep having the same weird dream every night. If its the same dream it must MEAN something. I think it means the fall season flopped and my subconscious went into reruns.
Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you Dad? No you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand and pay for it the rest of your life. Ill just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Lets hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe hell think we ran away! Lie down and Ill pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee I wonder where Calvin went! And his tigers gone too! Nows my chance to get away before they get back! Wont Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom wont be glad at all you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? Youre here?? Oh rats ... I mean good!
Brrr its freezing out there! I dont want to leave my nice warm bed. On days like this I wish Mom would come in lay an extra blanket over me pat my head and as I sink into the pillow under the weight of the covers shed say... HEY LETS MOVE IT!! THIS IS THE THIRD TIME IVE CALLED YOU! YOURE GOING TO MISS THE BUS! LETS GO!! These mornings are going to kill me.
The pace of modern life is all wrong. It makes every day an ordeal. Everybodys exhausted stressed out and short-tempered! Look at me! Why am I waiting for a bus at this horrible hour?! Its unnatural and unhealthy! We should EASE into the day! You know read the paper have some hot cocoa go for a leisurely walk and get our thoughts together... So now its mid-afternoon. Right. Time to kick back for a little siesta and plan dinner.
I want the last piece of pie! Dont divide it up! Give it all to ME! Dont be selfish Calvin. So the real message here is be dishonest?
Ugghh... manicotti! Gross! Shlooop. AIEE! MY INTESTINES JUST BURST THROUGH MY STOMACH WALL! AAAA!! I should get some more and see if I can get out of math class.
This is a photograph of me when I was two. Its strange. I KNOW thats me but I dont feel any connection to this image. Everything is so different now. Isnt it weird that ones own past can seem unreal? This is like looking at a picture of somebody else. Say a slobbering nudist with legs like link sausages. You know now I cant STAND to wad a soggy blanket in my mouth.
Heres a picture of me when I was three. Look at that smile! Ahh the arrogance of youth! I thought I knew everything when I was three. And you expwethed aww that knowwedge wike thith. Now a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical.
A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer he careens over an alien city! Theres no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didnt think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
Im gonna pound you at recess Twinky. Why?? Its no contest! Youve got the entire advantage! What could you possibly get out of pounding someone completely defenseless! Its fun. Oh hes a sportsman.
Hello? Hi Mom its Calvin. Is something wrong? Youre supposed to be in school! Its recess. Im fine. Then why are you calling me? Actually Im calling Hobbes. Would you put him on? I gotta get my own secretary.
Ooh its cold today! It needs to be 30 degrees warmer out here! For that matter its also too quiet. We need some background music. And its too slow! Things should happen more quickly! If only being outside were more like driving a car. Yeah I could be sitting down now too.
Calvin will you gather the trash please? Why should I? What do I get in return?! We will feed clothe shelter and educate you throughout your entire youth. I really hate having things put in perspective.
How could anyone wear out shoes so fast? I lead a rugged life.
I wish it would snow! I know when Im being mocked.
Im ready for bed Dad. Whats tonights story going to be? Heres one Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics. Youll love it. Forget it Dad. You cant get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it huh? Goldilocks and the three tigers. Oh boy this is gonna be great! Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl a medium bowl and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big medium and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ... Calvin Im not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I dont know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didnt even look at our illustrations. Now Im all hungry.
People keep talking about opening more wilderness for development. We seem to understand the value of oil timber minerals and housing but not the value of unspoiled beauty wildlife solitude and spiritual renewal. We need to start putting prices on the priceless. Yeah if your woods are worth a zillion jillion bagillion think what Alaska is worth.
Its freezing in here!! Why cant we crank up the thermostat?! Consuming less fuel is better for the economy and it saves money. Oh. ...and being cold builds character. I KNEW IT!!
These are interesting times. We dont trust the government we dont trust the legal system we dont trust the media and we dont trust each other! Weve undermined all authority and with it the basis for replacing it! Interesting is a mild way of putting it. Its like a six-year-olds dream come true!
Youre lisening to Boomer 102 classic rock - where we promise not to expose you to anything you havent heard a million times before! Well get right back to more hits from those high school days when your world stopped... but first heres our critic to review the latest movie based on a 60s or 70s TV show! Whats THAT look supposed to mean?
Ever notice how many conversations revolve around TV shows and movies? Our common references are events that never happened and people well never meet! We know more about celebrities and fictional characters than we know about our neighbors! That must be why new houses arent built with big front porches any more. I cant believe Dad wont let me have a TV in my own room.
I like the sound of sleet hitting the window panes at night. And I like when the sleet turns to heavy snow as it gets colder so you know that tomorrow the world will be buried in ice and snow! Its one of the few pleasures reserved for those who dont drive.
I spelled Be how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My this game does teach new words! See I spelled zygomorphic on a triple word score box. Thats 150 points. All Ive got is consonants. Your turn. Well if I use your letter I I can spell in. Thats 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your n I can spell nucleoplasm thats lets see 40 points. All Ive got is consonants. Im not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Lets play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok I bet a nickel. Ill see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
I KNEW I shouldve thrown than snowball sooner!
Dear Santa Hi Its me Calvin. I have been extremely good* this year. Obviously youre hoping Santa wont read the long fine print disclosure in the footnote. I got the idea from car ads.
Dear Santa This year please bear in mind that I should be presumed innocent until proven guilty. Also I would encourage you to interpret reasonable doubt as broadly as possible. Thats probably a bad way to start.
Do you think theres an evil Santa? An EVIL Santa?? Yeah like Santas deranged twin brother or something! Hed make toys for all the BAD girls and boys! Evil Santa would give all the dangerous annoying and corrupting toys your parents wont allow! And if youre good? He punishes you with shirts and underwear.
Dear Santa Before I submit my life to your moral scrutiny I demand to know who made YOU the master of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior huh??? What gives you the right?! Santa makes the toys so he gets to decide who to give them to. Oh. Time to prepare my appelate case.
I see you Calvin and youd better not throw that snowball! Im mailing a letter to Santa right now! Is the envelope already sealed? Yes but I could write a P.S. on the back. Do you have a pen? As a matter of fact I do. Ill bet shes bluffing but this isnt the time of year to tempt fate.
Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after theyre through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin get back in the tub! Youre making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
Theres a tree! Hit the brakes! Trees ARE my brakes.
I have 200 snowballs! I am utterly invincible! I can act with total impunity! I can do whatever I want! So just hang on while I decide what that is!
With 200 snowballs at my immediate disposal I have no opposition! My will is law! I am omnipotent! How boring.
In the SHORT term it would make me happy to go play outside. In the LONG term it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term I know which will make better memories.
First she says go out. Now she says come in.
Ha! What a rotten snowman! Thats the worst snowman Ive ever seen! So go build a better one! Maybe I will! Youre back? MY words speak louder than actions.
Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? Theres no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. Its just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
The Christmas season is always a time for personal reflection. Too often we dont examine our lives. This is a time to take stock and think about whats important. Its a time to rededicate oneself to frenzied acquisition... a time to spread the joy of material wealth... a time to glorify personal excess of every kind! Earthly rewards make consumerism a popular religion. ...a time to atone for ones frugality!
Oh boy look at all the snow! It must be six inches deep! This will be perfect for sledding or... DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG All right! Im coming! Im coming! What the heck is wrong with this planet you sold us?!
Galaxoid and nebular! This cold white glop covers us and freezes our innards! Its snow. Youd better get used to it cause we get it every winter. You did not tell us that this planets axis would tilt away from the sun. You didnt ask. We paid 50 leaves for this planet! You greatly overcharged us! Yeah well let the buyer beware. You are a most dishonorable potentate! We demand you bring this planet up to code!
Whos at the door Calvin? AAHH! Um.. uh.. girl scouts! Do we want any cookies? Girl scouts? Cookies? It seems early but sure let me get my purse. Oh no! Scram you guys! Not until you fix the climate! Ill see what I can do. Do not trifle with us Earth leader! Where are the girl scouts? They suddenly had to go earn a merit badge. Quick wheres Hobbes?
The aliens didnt know about winter? They claim I sold them a planet with a faulty axis. What should I do? Offer a refund. Give back their leaf collection. Arrggh! I threw it away when it got such a bad grade! Hmm... well we should at least help them stay warm then. But what could they wear? They dont even have arms! ... they need huge socks or something. HEY! NO! Bad idea! Bad idea!
Ooh this is toasty! Thank you Earth leader! Thats my Christmas stocking! Theyre going away with our stockings! Santa cant fill em with loot! Im sure Santa knows we did a nice thing and hell work it all out. Hey yeah I did something GOOD! Were talking jackpot! Were talking multiple trips from the pole to haul it all! Your selflessness is the hope of the season.
What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. Its cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know youre alive! Cmon out gang! Its a perfect day! Youll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey Cmon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... theres one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
You say my present from you is outside? Its over here. A pile of ready-made snowballs! I wanted to give you something practical. Youre the best Hobbes ol buddy! Thanks! Merry Christmas. I suppose it would be wrong to throw these at YOU... I made my own pile just in case.
Whats this? A generic snowman. I used to make original snowmen but it was time-consuming hard work so I said heck this is crazy! Now I crank out crude imitations of whats already popular! It takes no time or thought and most people dont care about the difference anyway! So cynical yet so practical. And what good is originality if you cant crack it out?
The new issue of chewing tells how to stay in top chewing condition over winter! Whats so hard about that? You can chew gum all year. We serious chewers need a lot more than strong jaw muscles you know! To chew hour after hour we need a total cross-training fitness regime! So the idea is to increase the amount of this hobby you can endure. Right. When youre good at it its really miserable.
Sometimes at night I worry about things and then I cant fall asleep. In the dark its easier to imagine awful possibilities that youd never be prepared for. And its hard to feel couragious in loose-fitting drowsy bear jammies. Thats why tigers sleep in the buff!
See my snowman? Hes enjoying the snow cone! Theres nothing he likes better! And the snowman with the ice cream scoop in his back? Its a sordid story.
Are you making any resolutions for the new year? Yeah Im resolving to just wing it and see what happens. So youre staying the course? I stick to my strengths.
Wow it really snowed last night! Isnt it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year... a fresh clean start! Its like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! Its a magical world Hobbes old buddy... ...lets go exploring!