Complete Calvin and Hobbes Strip Transcripts Part 1

17/11/85

Calvin and Hobbes November 18 It starts all over again!
18/11/85
So long Pop! Im off to check my tiger trap! I rigged a tuna fish sandwich yesterday so Im sure to have a tiger by now! They like tuna fish huh? Tigers will do anything for a tuna fish sandwich. Were kind of stupid that way. Munch Munch
19/11/85
So Dad what do I do when I catch a tiger? Bring it home and stuff it Calvin! Cant you see Im busy? Sheesh. No really I couldnt eat another bite!
20/11/85
Whats all this noise? Youre supposed to be asleep! It was Hobbes Dad! He was jumping on the bed! Honest! Hobbes was not jumping on the bed! Now go to sleep! You were too jumping on the bed! Well you were the one playing the cymbals!!
21/11/85
Show and tell is over Calvin. Please put your tiger in your locker. In my locker?! Hell suffocate! Well at least put him under your chair. Whey! That was a close one! Ill say! Sever plus three. Seventy-three.
22/11/85
Good night Calvin. night Dad! Hey! Arent you going to say good night to Hobbes?! Good night Hobbes. Thats it?! No story? No smooch?? Go to sleep you sissy.
23/11/85
Whats this? Taste it. Youll love it. You know youll hate something when they wont tell you what it is.
24/11/85
Outrage! Why should I go to bed? Im not tired! Its only 7:30! This is tyranny! Im ZZZZ Good night Calvin. Will you check for monsters under the bed? No monsters. Youre safe. What about the dresser? Calvin Im sure there are no monsters in your dresser. Go to sleep. Great. Ill bet thats where they all are. Theyll come out and kill us as soon as we fall asleep. So whos going to fall asleep? Well well just have to get the monsters first. You irritate them with this horn and Ill nail em with my dart gun when they come out. Get ready! I hear one coming! Whats all the noise?! AAIEEE!! A monster in the hallway!! Dear will you come up here a minute? I think I wounded him. Give me the bat and Ill finish him off!
25/11/85
Any monsters under my bed tonight!! Well thered better not be! Id hate to have to torch one with my flame thrower! You have a flame thrower?? They lie. I lie.
26/11/85
Mom can I drive on the way back? Of course not Calvin. Can I just steer then? I promise I wont crash. No Calvin. Can I work the gas and brakes while you steer? No Calvin. You never let me do anything.
27/11/85
Here we find a thriving city: brand new buildings a bustling economy. A scenic thoroughfare winds through this happy municipality. Here a farmer drives his livestock to market. Tragically this serene metropolis lies directly beneath the Hoover dam...
28/11/85
This smells like bat barf! That does it young man! You are excused to your room! Dont you think thats a little harsh dear? Hell get hungry. Calvin has got to learn some manners! He wont starve to death. ...and extra pepperoni!
29/11/85
Well see what the principal has to say about your attention span young man! The valiant Spaceman Spiff has been captured! The aliens doubtlessly want the secret formula to the atomic napalm neutralizer! Moments from the torture chamber Spiff springs into action! Why is he eating his hall pass?
30/11/85
Do you believe in fate? You mean that our lives are predestined? Yeah ... that the things we do are inevitable. What a scary thought!
01/12/85
No! goodness what was all that fuss? Oh Calvin didnt want to take his bath. What a noisy kid! Im doomed. I cant believe my own parents would do this to me! AH-HA! Ive got you now kid! AAUGH! Help! Quick! Momm! HA HA HA! Have a drink! Hellp! Gurgle blub. Calvin! Quiet down and quit splashing! I dont want to have to clean the whole bathroom. Ha! I pulled the plug! Down the drain with you! Die fiend! Die die!! Dont tell me hes letting out the water already! Believe it lady.
02/12/85
Bad news dad. Your polls are way down. My polls? You rate especially low among tigers and six-year-old white males. If you want to stay Dad Id suggest you adopt some key planks to your platform. Some special interest groups are in for a surprise. Of those polled virtually all flavor increased allowances and the commencement of driving lessons.
03/12/85
Theres a new girl in our class. Well! Whats her name? Who knows? Is she nice? Who cares? Not me! Do you like her?? No!
04/12/85
Here comes that new girl. Hey Susie Derkins is that your face or is a possum stuck in your collar? I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm you freak! Shes cute isnt she?? Go away.
05/12/85
Hi Calvin. Mind if I join you for lunch? Yes. I have soup today. What do you have? A squid eyeball sandwich. You do not! Dont be disgusting. I like to suck out the retinas. Miss Wormwood! Care for a bite? Or were you leaving?
06/12/85
You cant come up here Susie! No girls allowed. What on earth makes you think Id want to sit up in a stupid tree in the first place?!? Leave it to a girl to take all the fun out of sex discrimination.
07/12/85
Wheee! Houston we have a negative on that orbit trajectory.
08/12/85
Our hero the valiant Spaceman Spiff is marooned on a strange world ... Ill set my Mertilizer on deep fat fry. Calvin! Youre not paying attention! ... we join Spaceman Spiff on the distant planet Zorg ... Gronk! Argh! Trapped by a hideous Graknil Spiff draws his trusty atomic napalm neutralizer! Chew electric death snarling cur! But the weapon is useless! Spiff is doomed!! Our hero makes a break and ducks into a nearby cave! Weeoo! Whats that awful smell? Eep! Who was that? Beats me Fred.
09/12/85
Oh Mary you look ravishing in that skimpy negligee! Mmm ... darling dont you wish we were married? But we are! ... or did you mean to each other? Ive got to have you! Lets murder our spouses! Murder?! You sick animal! I love it when you talk that way! Come here! Sometimes I think I learn more when I stay home from school.
10/12/85
Mom can I set fire to my bed mattress? No Calvin. Can I ride my tricycle on the roof? No Calvin. Then can I have a cookie? No Calvin. Shes on to me.
11/12/85
No Mom! Dont put me to bed! I instructed Hobbes to messily devour anyone who brings me in before 9 p.m.! Your stuffed tiger is in the washing machine. Fine time to take a bath! Listen just because you never take one ...
12/12/85
Did you watch the movie on TV last night? Nope. Did you watch the game then? Nope. Did you watch any TV last night? Nope. Then what did you watch?
13/12/85
Insurance?? What a dumb idea! Why would anyone buy insurance from you?!? Thwping!
14/12/85
Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?
15/12/85
We join our hero Megazorks above the planet Gloob ... Spaceman Spiff conqueror of the cosmos is pursued by the hideous scum beings of planet Q-13! Spiff hyper-freem drive malfunctions! The aliens close in! suddenly a searing bolt of deadly fram ray slices across the blackness! Our hero is unfazed. Another bolt! Spiff is hit!! Spiff is going down can he make it?? Is this the end?!? AAAAAA Spiffs alive! He made it!! Im alive! Ha ha ha! I kiss the sweet ground! Maybe you should play on the swings Calvin.
16/12/85
Calvin are you going to take that stuffed tiger to school again? Sure. Dont the kids make fun of you? Tommy Chesnut did once and now nobody does. Why what happened to Tommy Chesnut? Hobbes ate him! Ugh! He needed a bath too ...
17/12/85
Calvin! Whats all this noise?! Youre supposed to be asleep! Monsters under the bed Dad! I was whacking one with my baseball bat! Goodness Calvin its just your stuffed tiger! You should put away your toys! Sorry ol buddy good thing I missed occasionally huh? Yeah let me see your bat a minute.
18/12/85
Here comes the sports car at 200 miles per hour! Here comes the cement truck! Look out! And here comes an inflammable chemical truck! Oh no!! This ought to be good.
19/12/85
Calvin! What are you doing to our yard?!? Making speed bumps.
20/12/85
I wonder where we go when we die. Pittsburgh? You mean if were good or if were bad?
21/12/85
Were lost again. Ha! Were brave explorers! The word lost isnt even in our vocabulary! How about the word Mommy? Mommmyyy!!
22/12/85
There! Our fortress is completely indestructible! Sunny and warmer today high in the upper thirties ... Our snow fort is impenetrable! At the slightest provocation well let loose a merciless barrage of stinging ice!! None dare attack us! We rule all!! Together a veritable fist of defiance we stand immune to any onslaught! We are invincible!! We ... uh ... umm ... piff!
23/12/85
Hey! Wheres the stocking for Hobbes? Wheres Santa gonna stick Hobbes loot if Hobbes doesnt have a stocking?!? Okay okay ... Ill make Hobbes a stocking. Dont worry. Make it big but not as big as mine. ...Hobbes loot?? dont look at me! Im done shopping!
24/12/85
Are you still awake? Of course! Its midnight. Lets go! As soon as he drops the bag down you grab it and Ill close the flue!
25/12/85
Uh Hobbes? ... I forgot to get you a present. I didnt even make you a card ... Im sorry Hobbes. I didnt mean to forget. Its okay little buddy. I didnt get you anything either. But heres a tiger hug for being my best friend. Not so hard you big sissy. You squeeze my tears out. Merry Christmas.
26/12/85
How long do you think it is till bedtime? Oh six or seven hours I imagine. Why do you ask? With any luck mom will notice were missing by then.
27/12/85
Calvin! What are you doing to the coffee table?!? Is this some sort of trick question or what?
28/12/85
Hey Calvin you want to play house? I dont know. How do you play? Okay ... first you come home from work. Then I come home from work. Well gripe about our jobs and then well argue over whose turn it is to microwave dinner.
29/12/85
Very grim Calvin. Youre still having oatmeal. Gurgle. Quit playing with your oatmeal and eat it Calvin. Gagpth! Im free! Bugh! Yaah! Death to oatmeal! Youll never escape vile glop! Die! Die! Calvin! Quit! ... oh no ... Its your fault we didnt have a sweet little girl! Your stupid chromosome!! Not mine!! ... I just live here.
30/12/85
It says here that by the age of six ... most children have seen a million murders on television. I find that very disturbing! It means Ive been watching all the wrong channels.
31/12/85
Im not eating this green stuff. Yecchh! Good idea Calvin. Its a plate of toxic waste that will turn you into a mutant if you eat it. Mmmm. Scrape. Urf. Smack. There has got to be a better way to make him eat! Ahhh ... I can feel it working.
01/01/86
Dad how come you live in this house with mom ... instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates? Boy! Ask a simple question and get all your television privileges revoked.
02/01/86
Hobbes have you ever kissed a girl? A few I guess. Really? What was it like? Mmmmmmmm Pop! ... only a lot more so! Gaack! I was hoping it wouldnt be so fuzzy ...
03/01/86
What do you find attractive in women Hobbes? Well Ive always been partial to redheads ... with green eyes. I like green eyes ... and whiskers! Long whiskers! Lets change the subject.
04/01/86
Having transformed myself into a werewolf I search for human sacrifice! Hi Dad! Mm ... hello. Calvin stop that disgusting drooling!
05/01/86
I love winter days. Theyre so peaceful. Ha ha! Gotcha Susie! Hey you dummy! Youll never be able to throw a snow ball that big! Ha! Stupid girl! Hey what are you doing? Get away. Hey! Put me down! Where are you taking me?! Hey! Hey! Chunk.
06/01/86
All right class who would like to give his book report first? Calvin how about you? Calvin? Calvin? Spaceman Spiff cooly draws his death ray blaster ...
07/01/86
2 + 7 = I cannot answer this question as it is against my religious principles. Its worth a shot.
08/01/86
Hobbes what do you think happens to us when we die? I think we play saxophone for an all-girl cabaret in New Orleans. So you believe in heaven? Call it what you like.
09/01/86
We are a fierce and dirty band of cutthroat pirates! Keep a sharp lookout Matey. We want no sissy girls on our ship! We dont like girls? Of course not dummy! Were a murderous bunch of pirates remember?! Who do we smooch then?
10/01/86
What did you bring for show and tell Susie? I brought a letter I wrote to our congressman. What did you bring? A bag of dead bugs I collected from our window sills. Best of all this way mom didnt have to pack me a lunch!
11/01/86
Well Hobbes we did it again. Were separated from the troop and hopelessly lost. Fortunately our motto is Be prepared. With this full backpack we can stay out here for weeks! Just so long as we dont get hungry.
12/01/86
Im home from school! So I gathered. Hobbes? Yaaaaah! Aaaaugh! Tiger attack! Calvin! Quit crashing around! Hobbes jumped me Mom! I was fighting for my very survival!! Sure Calvin. Look I dont want to sew Hobbes up again so why dont you two go do something quiet? Okay okay ... You sissy. Mom always takes your side! Thats because she wanted another tiger not you!
13/01/86
Calvin pass this note to Jessica. Its a secret note so dont read it. Calvin you stinkhead: I told you not to read this. Susie.
14/01/86
That dirty Susie Derkins. Shell be sorry if she tries to pass another note. Psst ... Calvin! Pass this secret note to Jessica okay? Teacher! Susies passing notes! Take this away and read it in front of the class! Dear Jessica you know what I hate about Calvin? Hes a squealer! Signed Susie. I hope you know a good dentist Susie ...
15/01/86
Now look! You got us sent to the principals office! Gosh! Do you think well get paddled?? They cant paddle me! Im a girl!! Whats that got to do with it? Girls have more delicate heinies.
16/01/86
Calvin I dont want to be spanked! What if it goes on our academic transcripts? Well be ruined! Sniff. Darn you Calvin!! Youre gonna answer to my parents if I cant get my masters degree!
17/01/86
Calvin and Susie would you come in my office please? It was all his fault Mr. Spittle! Thats a lie! She started it! Are you going to spank us?? Ill never pass notes again! Dont spank us!! Waaahhhh!! I wish we were dead!! I hate this job.
18/01/86
Now I want you both to pay better attention in class. Understood? Yes sir. Okay you may return to your room now. Thank you Mr. Spittle. Calvin? You may return to your room. Calvin? The Zorg draws nearer Spiff sets his blaster on medium well ...
19/01/86
It says here that Religion is the opiate of the masses. ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadnt seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? Theres nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When youre old youll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
20/01/86
... and with that report we ... click beeeoooop click rats.
21/01/86
Mom can I take up the floorboards in my room and make a secret passageway? Of course not Calvin. Dont be ridiculous. Why cant I? Because youd come right through the kitchen ceiling. I said dont do it. Okay okay ... how quietly do you think we can nail these back in?
22/01/86
Whats this disgusting slimy blob? Try it. Youll love it. Oh yeah? Well what if I dont love it?!? Then it will build character. Thats my dad. Always looking out for me.
23/01/86
Calvin! Youre going to be late for school! Get up! Calvin its almost 7:30! Are you up?? Im coming. See? I told you it wouldnt work! Of course not dummy! You didnt put on any pants!
24/01/86
Do you know where babies come from? Nope. Well I wonder how one finds out! ... here let me see the back of your shirt. You came from Taiwan.
25/01/86
Hey Mom whens lunch? Later Calvin. Im busy. But Im hungry now! I wanna eat! A map to the refrigerator. Hilarious.
26/01/86
McZargalds ... next exit ... 50 Megazorks. Over 7Million earthlingburgers served. Spaceman Spiff is going down!!! We join our hero as he struggles to land his damaged spacecraft! The altitude flaps refuse to respond but fearless Spiff is unfazed! Spiff careens through the alien canyon! Is this the end?? No! moments before impact Spiff ejects! Now are you through charging around the house or are you going to fall down the stairs again? Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien ...
27/01/86
Hi Dad. Its me Calvin! Hows work going? ... uh huh ... pretty day out isnt it? ... yep ... are you bringing me home any presents tonight? ... no? Well just thought Id ask ... listen I suppose youre wondering why I called ...
28/01/86
Dad your polls took a big dive this week. Your Overall Dad performance rating was especially low. See? Right about yesterday your popularity went down the tubes. Calvin you didnt get dessert yesterday because you flooded the house!! Id suggest a new line of work Dad ...
29/01/86
The giant slimy octopus oozes across the beach. His hideous presence terrorizes the sleepy waterfront community. With a sucker-covered tentacle he grabs an unsuspecting tourist. A muffled scream lingers in the salty air! Did you want something Calvin?
30/01/86
Uh-oh. Here comes Moe. The class bully! Okay twinky lets have that ball. Sure Moe. All yours. Never argue with a six-year-old who shaves.
31/01/86
Hey! You took my favorite swing! Thats true Moe. How about that? ... uh ... His train of thought is still boarding at the station.
01/02/86
Moe I was wondering something. Are you maladjusted antisocial tendencies the product of your berserk pituitary gland! What? Isnt he great folks? Lets give him a big hand.
02/02/86
What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel Supertoad goes Plooie and ... My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end. Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
03/02/86
A bushel is a unit of weight equal to four pecks. Whats a peck? A quick smooch. You know I dont understand math at all.
04/02/86
Mom can I have some money so Hobbes and I can go to a movie? What movie? The cuisinart murder of central high. I really think there are more constructive ways you could spend your afternoon Calvin. What did she say? Oh she went off on one of her irrelevant tangents again.
05/02/86
Do you believe our destinies are controlled by the stars? No I think we can do whatever we want with our lives. Not to hear Mom and Dad tell it.
06/02/86
Ready? No. Hurry up! Okay Im ready!
07/02/86
I have a question. Do you believe in life after death? You know reincarnation? You just steer okay?
08/02/86
Meed and mild-mannered Calvin ducks into a nearby closet and transforms himself into ... Captain Napalm protector of the American way! Endowed with superhuman powers he quickly ... Mommmmmmm!
09/02/86
Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No Hobbes doesnt need one. Hold still. By golly what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! Cmere! Mom cant know youre in here okay? Ill disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on and Ill get one of Dads. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie too. Ill be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
10/02/86
Wake up Calvin. Its time for school. Im not going to school anymore. You have to. Its the law. What about Hobbes? Why doesnt he have to go to school? Hes a tiger. Get up. Whats being a tiger got to do with it? Tigers wreck the grade curve.
11/02/86
Do you think its better to live in stupefying security ... or take risks and live life on the edge? I think its better to accept danger and live to the fullest! I take it by your silence that you agree ...
12/02/86
Im making Susie Derkins a valentine. Shes a cutie all right. See I made a big red heart. Now Im putting lace around it. Thats very sweet. Im sure shell like it. Susie I hate you. Drop dead. Calvin.
13/02/86
Id like to get a valentine bouquet for a girl I know. What a sweet little boy you are! Come see what we have. Is this all? Did you have something special in mind? Sort of. Do you have a dumpster out back I could root through?
14/02/86
Calvin you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So heres a valentine for you you insensitive clod!! A valentine and flowers! He likes me! She noticed! She likes me!
15/02/86
No text
16/02/86
Hey Calvin! Are we near a slaughterhouse or did you forget your deodorant?! Drop dead Susie! Youre so ugly I hear your mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! Its shameless the way we flirt. Whats it like to fall in love? Well ... say the object of your affection walks by ... yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation shorts the circuits to your brain and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether your mouth disengages and you bable like a cretin until she leaves. Thats love?!? Medically speaking. Heck that happened to me once but I figured it was cooties!!
17/02/86
Hey Calvin its gonna cost you 50 cents to be my friend today. And what if I dont want to be your friend today? Then the janitor scrapes you off the wall with a spatula. Heck. Whats a little extortion among friends?
18/02/86
I got the new album by Scrambled Debutante. All their songs glorify depraved violence mindless sex and the deliberate abuse of dangerous drugs. Your Moms going to go into conniptions when she sees this lying around. Well I sure didnt buy it for the music ...
19/02/86
Mom will you drive me into town? Why should I drive you Calvin? Its a perfect day outside! What do you think people have feet for? To work the gas pedal.
20/02/86
Calvin youre not paying attention again! Spaceman Spiff conqueror of the cosmos is trapped by a hideous Zondarg! With lightining speed Spiff bolts for the air lock making a daring escape! Nice try Calvin.
21/02/86
Im home! Did you feed Hobbes today Mom? No dear it must have slipped my mind. Thanks Mom. You wanna just douse me in steak sauce before I go to my room?
22/02/86
Mommmm! Im thirsty! Whats this? Just water?
23/02/86
Hey Mom can I drive now? No. How about now? Oh no! oh you stupid car! Whats wrong with you now?!? Thats it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We dont mind! Calvin be quiet! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are. Ill look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobodys stopping to help. Lets blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. Beeeep! Hoorayy!! Someone stopped! Were heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
24/02/86
I need help on my homework. Whats a pronoun? A noun that lost its amateur status. Maybe I can get a point for originality.
25/02/86
Leave your tiger in the car Calvin. Cant Hobbes come along Dad? He wont eat anybody! No Calvin. Lets go. Well at least let me open the window and give him some air. See if hell leave the keys too so I can listen to the radio.
26/02/86
Calvin your mother and I have decided to give you an allowance. Its important that one learns the value of money. Money! Ha ha ha! Im rich! Im rich! I can buy off anyone! The world is mine! Power! Friends! Prestige! I blew it again dear!
27/02/86
When I grow up I want to be a radical terrorist. Mm hmm ... Im going to inhale this can of pesticide. Mm hmm ... Im going to watch TV all night. Thats what you think buster! You can never tell if theyre listening or not.
28/02/86
Heres a good movie! Vampire Sorority Babes! It says you have to be eighteen to get in. Heck thats no problem! Lets go! This is a new one. Two please ... I mean one.
01/03/86
I think its time we had a new Dad around here. When does your term of office expire? Sorry Calvin I was appointed Dad for life. For life?! What about a recall vote? What about impeachment? There are no provisions for either. Did you write this constitution yourself or what? Well your mom helped some too.
02/03/86
Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. Thats good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
03/03/86
Youre gonna taste asphalt fifth period Twinky. Just so you know. Great. Im dead. Fifth period - Studies in contemporary state-sponsored terrorism. Also known as gym class.
04/03/86
I cant get a baby sitter anywhere! What should we do? We wont be gone long couldnt Calvin be left for a couple of hours unsupervised? Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho hoo hoo har ha ho. Seriously what should we do?
05/03/86
Okay Calvin. Well be back in a couple of hours. You and Hobbes just watch TV and be good okay? Did you hear that? We get to watch TV!! Horray! Videorama? Id like to rent a VCR and some movies! Ask if they have Attach of the Coed Cannibals.
06/03/86
Well the house is still standing. Calvin must have gone to bed. His light is still on. Calvin? Are you awake? Eep! Did you watch a scary movie?!? No dont come in. the rug is rigged too.
07/03/86
Whap! Smash. Tinkle. Ding. Shatter. Clink. Wow. First try!
08/03/86
Downtown tokyo! Aarrghhgh! Godzilla.
09/03/86
How can I get some money? Short of earning it I mean. I want a gernade launcher mom. Whens Christmas? Not for a long time. Whens my birthday? Not for a long time. Whens my allowance? You spent it already. Do I have any stocks I can cash? War bonds?? Calvin Im trying to work! Can I borrow some soap? Yes you can borrow some soap. Have all the soap you want.
10/03/86
Boy is it cold! You should get a good fur coat like mine. Woof! What did you eat for breakfast? Cement? Look was this my idea?
11/03/86
Oh no I lost my quarter! Where did you lose it? Its somewhere in this field. Well never find it. Youll have to wait till the snow melts. Till the snow melts? Its 25 cents!!
12/03/86
Wanna see something weird? Watch. You put bread in this slot and push down this lever ... then in a few minutes toast pops up! Wow. Where does the bread go? Beats me. Isnt that weird?
13/03/86
Who are you today? Fine. I want the top of my head shaved and the sides dyed pink and cut in horizontal stripes ok? Maam? Give him the usual Pete. Well I guess this guy knows which side his bread is buttered on!
14/03/86
There hows that look? Thats great. Perfect. Without question this is the finest haircut I have ever received. Never criticize a guy with a razor ...
15/03/86
Too bad the world will be ending soon. Beg your pardon? Halleys comet. Comets are harbingers of doom. No they arent. thats just superstition. Really?? Guess Id better write that book report.
16/03/86
Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy ... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft drink? Ok. H-H-here y-you a-a-are! Any desert? No thanks. Well be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvins flight 240 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I wont take the dinner flight.
17/03/86
Do you love me dad? Of course I do Calvin. Would you still love me if I did something bad? Well of course I would. I mean something really really ... Calvin what did you do?!
18/03/86
Well Dad your polls are real high this week. Im glad to hear that. Yep those polled think you are doing a fine job as a Dad. In fact with a little push today your political stock could reach a record high. Nice try. Go help your Mom with the dishes. Ooh Dad! Suicide! Ooh! Ooh!
19/03/86
Here comes Moe the class bully. Hes not smart but hes streetwise. That means he knows what street he lives on.
20/03/86
Toll booth Dad! You cant put the car in until you pay me a quarter! Why should I pay you to put my car in my garage? Because if you dont Ill pull the door down on the hood as you drive in! What a cheapskate.
21/03/86
A little lower ... ok fine! Thanks for helping me put up this swing. Where did you ever find this great tire? Calvin! Ive got to go to work!!
22/03/86
Whats that cereal youre eating? Its my new favorite Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs. Have a taste. Thank you. Mffpbth!! S-sw-sw sweet!! Actually theyre kinda bland till you scoop sugar on em.
23/03/86
How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. Ill be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. Were at war so if you get hit with a dart youre dead and the other side wins ok? Gotcha. Go! Wap Wap Kind of a stupid game isnt it?
24/03/86
Can I be excused? Not until you finish your salmon. Blaughhh! Can I eat it upstairs while I do my homework? Well I suppose. I brought you your favorite! Hows it coming? Well I couldnt figure out this subtraction problem so I put Atlanta Georgia ...
25/03/86
Hey Susie wanna see a magic trick? First Ill need a ordinary quarter ... Now Ill disappear! Ha ha ha! Hey! Didnt I say it was a trick??
26/03/86
Look! A decoder ring! Wow! We can send each other secret messages in code! Ha ha! Now Mom and Dad wont be able to understand us at all! ... not that they do anyway ...
27/03/86
Rise and shine Calvin! Mfgpbthbbpt The early bird gets the worm! Big incentive.
28/03/86
Ive decided we should be cooler than we are. Were not cool? Sure were cool. But were not as cool as we could be. Cool people wear dark glasses! Its cool to bump into things? You dont move just hang around.
29/03/86
Hey Dad will you buy me a flame thrower? Of course not. Dont be silly. Even if I didnt use it in the house?
30/03/86
Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I dont need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See Ill just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Moms going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
31/03/86
I told you Im not sick! Whats that? Will it hurt? Its a tongue depressor. It wont hurt at all. Whats that? Will it hurt? Its a stethoscope. It wont hurt at all. Whats that? Will it hurt? Its a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. Little kids have no sense of humor.
01/04/86
Hey Doc why are you rubbing my arm with cotton? Are you going to put a leech there? Are you going to bleed me? Youre not going to amputate are you? Are you?? Whats that? Is that a shot? Are you going to ... Aaughh! It went clear through my arm!! Ow ow ow ow!!! Im dying! I hope youve paid your malpractice insurance you quack!! Wheres my mom??!
02/04/86
Safari Al hacks his way through the jungle! Suddenly a giant gorilla rips through the foliage! Clean your room. What? You heard me. Its a jungle in here!
03/04/86
Seen any UFOs yet? Nope. Keep watching the moon. Aliens usually try to sneak up from behind it. What are you doing out here in your pajamas? Get back in bed!! Mothers on the other hand sneak up from behind the Pachysandra patch.
04/04/86
I dont think Ill go to school today. I think you will. I think I wont. Rats.
05/04/86
Good night Hobbes. Good night. Do you believe in ghosts?
06/04/86
What do you have for lunch Susie? Maybe Ill trade you. Ugh! A cross section of a dachshund. No thanks. Its bologna! I wonder what I have for lunch today. Its lunch time! Ha ha ha! I think Ill have this little kid!! Help! Im being eaten alive by my own lunch! Somebody get me a fork! Hes got me!! Aaarrrgghh! Wham wham wham! Ha! I killed it with my thermos! See? Its bleeding jelly! No wonder this seat wasnt taken.
07/04/86
Somewhere in communist Russia Ill bet theres a little boy who has never known anything but censorship and oppression. But maybe hes heard about America and he dreams of living in this land of freedom and opportunity! Someday Id like to meet that little boy ... and tell him the awful truth about this place!! Calvin be quiet and eat the stupid lima beans.
08/04/86
Whenever I take my bath ... I always put my ducky in first. For companionship? To test for sharks.
09/04/86
My secret ancient treasure map says to dig here! Look! A wallet full of money! Right where you said! Its Dads. I buried it here last week.
10/04/86
Spaceman Spiff bold interplanetary explorer spies on a Zarg! Spiff calibrates his blaster. Ready ... aim ... Calvin if you shoot that paper clip at me Ill get your bottom hauled to the principals office so fast youll think you were in a time warp!! Confound it. The blaster jammed.
11/04/86
It looks like Hobbes burst a seam here. Ill get my sewing kit. Its just a little cut. I dont need an operation. This is unnecessary surgery! Its not surgery youre just getting a couple of stiches! Whats the big deal? Your mom never uses any anesthetic.
12/04/86
What a peculiar dream I had last night! I dreamed I was in a big fight with a ferocious weasel! What do you suppose it means? It means youre sleeping on the floor tonight you nincompoop!
13/04/86
Hey Dad remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute. What do you mean Remember? Hobbes I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad. Should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well hypothetically lets say pretty bad. Like to his car hypothetically. How bad hypothetically to his car? Well lets pretend it was real bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could find the car we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. Ill call the bus station. Que pasa senorita? I am el fugitivo!
14/04/86
Why cant I stay up late? You guys can! Its not fair! The world isnt fair Calvin. I know but why isnt it ever unfair in my favor?
15/04/86
The valiant Spaceman Spiff is being pursued by a disgusting scum being! Spiff spots his hovering spaceship and bolts for the ladder! But hes too late! The awful scum being is upon him! Its all over! Its all over!! I told you three times recess was over! Now get inside!
16/04/86
As dictator I have the sole voice in government! I will not tolerate dissent! I alone shall decide the good! I alone shall ... time for bed Calvin. Couldnt we vote on this?
17/04/86
If you could wish for anything what would it be? A big sunny field to be in. A stupid field?! Youve got that now! Think big! Riches! Power! Pretend you could have anything! Actually its hard to argue with someone who looks so happy.
18/04/86
Here fish! They must know that one.
19/04/86
Aaghh! Chomp! Are the fish biting? Drop dead Hobbes.
20/04/86
Oops! I forgot to read chapter five for school tomorrow. What are you going to do? Catch a quick cold. Cough cough. You sound terrible Calvin. Ill get you some cough medicine. It wasnt me coughing. It was Hobbes. Me? It wasnt me! I know but that cough syrup tastes awful. So youre going to have me take it? Nothing doing buster. I refuse! Here you go Calvin. Open up. Not me! Give it to Hobbes! Hes the one who ... Gloomp Ackthp! Pbthbbppth!! Hack Hack. Mmm! That cough medicine is good! You should try some! Really! Youre not fooling me one bit you stinker.
21/04/86
I cant get this model airplane to look right. These directions are impossible! Rrrrrggghhhhh wham wham wham! Hit by anti-aircraft guns. Your planes do seem to run into those. Dont they?
22/04/86
Tommy told a funny story at school today. I almost died! Tell it to me. Well actually the story itself wasnt so funny ... it was the way he told it. How did he tell it? He was drinking milk and when he laughed it came up his nose!
23/04/86
Youve got two periods to live Twinky. Then its gym class and I turn you into hamburger casserole! I hate gym class. Coach thinks violence is aerobic.
24/04/86
Wheres my jacket? Ive looked everywhere! Under the bed over my chair on the stairs on the hall floor in the kitchen ... its just not anywhere! Oh here it is! Who put it in the stupid closet?!?
25/04/86
Hocus-pocus Abracadabra! I command my homework to do itself! Homework be done! Flip flip flip. Rats.
26/04/86
Do you ever think about the end of the world as we know it? You mean for nuclear war? I think mom was referring to if she ever catches me letting the air out of the car tires again.
27/04/86
Im taking the umbrella outside. Well thats showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Lets go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! Im flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Lets get some other kids and charge em!
28/04/86
Fearless Spaceman Spiff closes in on the fleeing Zargons! Once again our hero is about to teach vicious alien scum that virtue is its own reward! He locks onto target! Psst Calvin! What was the capital of Poland until 1600! Krakow. Thanks. Krakow! Krakow! Two direct hits!
29/04/86
The tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley ... the terrifying lizard is three stories tall and his mouth is filled with six-inch chisels of death! With a few mighty steps the dinosaur is upon a tribe of fleeing cavemen. He devours them one by one! Araragh! Aaieee! Aaughh! Calvin eat your popcorn quietly!
30/04/86
What does this word mean? Which one? That long one. I dont know. You do too!! All right! Wheres a dictionary??
01/05/86
Can I watch the movie Killer Prom Queen on tv? No. Do I have to eat this slimy asparagus? Yes. Can I stay up till midnight? No. Theres an inverse relationship between how good something is for you and how much fun it is.
02/05/86
Lets see what happens if you cook popcorn without a lid. Pow. Kapwing. Bang. Pow. Boing. Zang. Heck. Thats more fun than exploding a potato in the microwave! Lets do some more!
03/05/86
Cmon Calvin. Were going to the store. Can Hobbes come? No just leave him here. But I want him to come with us!! If you cant win by reason go for volume.
04/05/86
Honey we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While Im taking my bath you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad wont mind if I use his cologne will he? Well go easy this time. Think I should shave? No go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Heres a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of GQ! boy I look good in anything dont I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
05/05/86
So the contractor says it will cost about $200 to fix. Oh that dumb kid! Well. Its all part of raising a child right? Mm. Youre not sorry we had Calvin are you? Are you? I asked first besides it wasnt all my decision. All I know is that I offered to buy us a Dachshund. But no you said.
06/05/86
Do you think theres a god? Well somebodys out to get me.
07/05/86
Spaceman Spiff closes in on the alient vessel! The alien being unnaturally stupid is blissfully ignorant of its imminent doom! Our hero locks onto target and warms up his frap-ray blaster! Miss Wormwood!! Zounds! A Gorkon death station appears! Evasive action!
08/05/86
Whack! Wow! Another hole in one!
09/05/86
Wow! Three new magazines for me today. Yesterday I got five. I love getting all this mail. How come you receive all these magazines? I went to the library and filled out all the subscription cards that said Bill me later.
10/05/86
I love Saturday morning cartoons. What classic humor! This is what entertainment is all about ... idiots explosives and falling anvils.
11/05/86
Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I dont want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? Im not gonna spear any worms. I know ... lets just dump the worms in the water and when the fish come up to eat them well catch them in the net! Pretty smart huh? Thats what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Lets pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah whod want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
12/05/86
Calvin the human insect walks across the dinner table. With proportional insect strength. He places a giant pea on the edge of a spoon. He then climbs to the top of the other end ... and with a tiny jump ... Calvin stop that!
13/05/86
In his minuscule size it takes Calvin the human insect ten minutes to walk across a books page! At the other end he slowly lifts the gigantic sheet! Then its another ten-minute journey back as he turns it over! Gee the kids been quiet for almost twenty minutes. Hes doing his homework.
14/05/86
Heres a movie we should watch. Whos in it? It says Japanese cast. Two big rubbery monsters slug it out over a major metropolitan centers in a battle for world supremacy. Doesnt that sound great? And people say that foreign film is inaccessible.
15/05/86
Oh Rosalyn youre here! Good. Come in! We really appreciate your coming on such short notice. Weve had a terrible time getting a baby sitter for tonight. Ha ha. Maybe little Calvin here has gotten himself a reputation. Ha ha. You have the half up front? Yes let me get my purse ...
16/05/86
Hi Baby Doll. Its me. Yeah. Im baby sitting the kid down the street. Yeah. Thats right. The little monster ... mmm? Well so far no problem. He hasnt been any trouble you just have to show these kids whos the boss. Mm hmm. How much longer till she lets us out of the garage? She said 8 oclock and its almost 6:30 now.
17/05/86
Thanks again for baby sitting Rosalyn. Calvin was no trouble at all. Thats good. Ill get the car and drive you home. There you go. Good night. Thank you. Good night. Is she gone?
18/05/86
Weve got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! Were going! Be good ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. Youre not my mom. So I dont have to do anything you say. Im going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldnt want me to have to call any of those numbers would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess Ill turn in. for eight bucks a night I dont put up with much.
19/05/86
What a great night to camp out! Wheres our tent? I thought the scoutmaster said to set them up. Uh oh. When he said to pitch the tent I threw it away.
20/05/86
The best part about these hikes is getting to see so much wildlife. Look! A tiger! A tiger?! Dont do that!
21/05/86
Were separated from the troop and hopelessly lost! Left alone in the uncompromising wild to survive by our wits unaided! Hey dummy! The scoutmaster says to grab your stupid stuffed tiger and get your rear in gear! Well try to lose em again over the next hill.
22/05/86
Grab the hotdogs and come on! The troops cooking dinner over the fire. Oh thats just great. Here weve been lugging this dumb microwave around for nothing.
23/05/86
Bop. Spike! Uh oh. Wed better leave. It looks like some big people want to play tennis.
24/05/86
The crocodile floats to the top of the murky Amazon. Completely motionless he appears to be only a harmless log. A hippopotamus approaches and ensures its instant death! Calvin what are you doing? Are you all right? Closer ... closer ...
25/05/86
Look it says you have to be eighteen to buy cigarettes. Eighteen?!? By then Ill know better! Mom can I have a cigarette? Sure Calvin. I think your grandfater left some here. Just smoke outside ok? Wow! Your mom let you have a cigarette? For a mom sometimes shes pretty cool. Eeeeeep. Blaaugh! Gag. Hack. Cough. Youd think this would be an easy habit to break. Wheeze! Well now ... did we learn a little lesson today? Gasp. Yes. Trusting parents can be hazardous to your health.
26/05/86
Mom! Mom! A big dog knocked me down and he stole Hobbes! I tried to catch him but I couldnt. And now Ive lost my best friend! Well Calvin. If you wouldnt drag that tiger everywhere things like this wouldnt happen. Theres no problem so awful that you cant add some more guilt to it and make it worse!
27/05/86
I cant sleep at all. Poor Hobbes! I wonder where he is. I hope hes ok. Sniff. What did I ever do to deserve this? Whatever it was Im sorry already!
28/05/86
Lost: My tiger Hobbes. Maybe you should describe him. On the quiet side somewhat peculiar. A good companion in a weird sort of way. I mean what does he look like? Oh.
29/05/86
Well look. Somebody left a stuffed tiger out in the field how strange. Looks like a dogs been chewing on you fella. Well nothing a little tea party with some other stuffed animals wouldnt help. Cmon.
30/05/86
Hobbes! Hobbes! Where are you?? Hello Calvin. Would you like to join my tea party? Heck no. Im trying to find my best friend whos been kidnapped by a dog. Leave me alone. Well I think Mr. Calvin is very rude dont you Mr. Tiger? Yes. I think so too. More tea anyone?
31/05/86
Hey I should tell Susie to keep her eyes open for Hobbes. Susie I ... Hobbes! You found Hobbes! Thank you. Thank you. Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou. Well! Wasnt Mr. Calvin a gentleman! I do hope hey! Who took all the cookies?!?
01/06/86
Whats that smell? Either moms cooking dinner or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is Im not eating it. Im stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? Theyll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? Were having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? Ive never had monkey heads before! I wonder what theyre like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look is that a nose? Whats this? Brains? I didnt think theyd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is Im not eating it!
02/06/86
Susie wanna hear a secret? Sure. I think the principal is a space alien spy. Hes trying to corrupt our young innocent minds so well be unable to resist when his people invade the Earth! Promise not to tell anyone? Dont worry.
03/06/86
Hobbes what should I do when Moe comes to beat me up in gym class? Well you can always do what we tigers do when a rhino charges. Whats that? We scramble like maniacs for the nearest tree. Thats your advice?!? To sit in a tree all day? It doesnt impress the girls of course but theres no sense in impressing them and then getting killed my dad used to say.
04/06/86
Hobbes I need your help. that bully Moe. Keeps pushing me around. So I want you to come to school and eat him ok? Eat him? Sure! Tigers eat people allthe time! What if the cafeteria ladies wont let me use the oven?
05/06/86
Its too early to be in bed. Its hardly even dark out. Why do I have to be in bed? Its ridiculous. Im not even tired! I dont need to be in bed! This is an outrage! Its the stupidest thing I can imagine! I think Mom and Dad are just trying to get rid of me. I cant sleep at all. Can you sleep Hobbes? No!
06/06/86
Ok Mom. Hobbes and I have formed a lobby. We want more privileges. more privileges? Like what? Youve got it made! No responsibilities no cares no worries! What more could you possibly want? Why didnt you tell her about the credit cards in our names? You heard her. Shes in one of her moods.
07/06/86
I love Saturdays! I love Saturday I get up at six and eat three bows of Crunch Sugar Bombs. Then I watch cartoons till noon and Im incoherent and hyperactive the rest of the day. Does it work? No brothers or sisters so far!
08/06/86
No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although its not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
09/06/86
In the commercials this cola greatly increases ones sex appeal. Glick glick glick glick. Bur-ur-urpp!! Evidently a little license on Madison Avenues part. Phoo! Right up my nose.
10/06/86
Its an outrage that six-year-olds cant vote! Here I am a US citizen with no voice in our representative government! Youre concerned about the direction the country is headed? No I just want a bigger piece of the pie.
11/06/86
Poof poof poof. Pow! Good heavens I think I blew my face inside out!
12/06/86
The waters too cold! Now its too hot. Now its too cold. Now its too deep.
13/06/86
The fearsome shark senses distress in the waves above him! He circles up closer and closer to the terrified victim! Hey! Yahh! Snap! Thrash! You know for someone who hates baths as much as you do youre not making this go any faster! Another gruesome kill.
14/06/86
Here Calvin Ill show you a magic trick. See? I pulled a dime from your ear! Pretty good huh? Anything yet? J-just a b-b-bloody n-nose.
15/06/86
We should make Dad a Fathers day card. Okay Ill draw a picture of him on it. Hmm...make his mouth bigger. He usually look angrier than that. Good morning Dad! Happy Fathers day! Mmf. In appreciation of your service as dad. Today I am living according to the principles of your fatherly wisdom. Calvin what time is ... five in the morning?! Yes Early to bed early to rise. You always say ... I was going to buy you a nice present but A penny saved is a penny earned as you say ... so Im now earning 6% on the money I didnt spend. Yes Dad. Thanks to you Im a happier better person. Good work Socrates. I knew wed made a mistake the minute I saw that little bologna loaf in the hospital basement.
16/06/86
Ive never been this high in a tree before. Me either you can see for miles from up here. Ill say! Im glad were up here. That was quite a crash wasnt it?
17/06/86
The rain stopped! This is the best time to go wormmucking. Lets go! Whats that? Its when you walk on the pavement and much all the worms.
18/06/86
Calvin quit charging around the house!! Smash! Bink bonk boom. What did I just tell you?!? Beats me. Werent you listening either?
19/06/86
Bang! Youre dead! No Im not you missed. I did not! You cheater! Im here talking to you arent I? Ok then ... bang! My what a miserable shot you are!
20/06/86
Hurry up Calvin our reservation is for 7:00. Can Hobbes come to the restaurant? No. why not? Were afraid he might eat someone. Lets go. Thats right you probably would wouldnt you. I can never stay on a diet in a restaurant.
21/06/86
Arr! Look alive. Ye scurvy scalliwags! Thars a frigat to board! Run up the skull and crossbones! Prepare the plank! Our ship is a plank. And youre going to walk it wise guy!
22/06/86
Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Whos out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
23/06/86
A bee landed on your back! A bee?! Acckk! Get it away!! Dont move and it wont sting you. Just stand still and try not to imagine that it might very well crawl down your shirt and into your pants! He imagined it.
24/06/86
Ok lets flush it! Flush. Ha ha ha. Hee hee! That was great! Lets do it again! Flush. I dont want to know what hes doing do you. No lets go check.
25/06/86
Ive had trouble choosing a new hobby. First I wanted to collect bugs. Then I wanted to collect stamps. What did you decide on? Stamped bugs.
26/06/86
Everbody I know has either cable TV or a VCR! They can watch anything they want! But me? I have to watch dumb ol summer repeats! I have to watch the same garbage over and over! How cruelly we mistreat you Calvin. ... so then he gave me Oliver Twist to read and said I might identify with it. Rats ... and Sorority Row Horror is on cable tonight.
27/06/86
I got a helium balloon. Very nice. Im going to stand on this ladder and let the balloon carry me up and away. Nothings happening. Try jumping. See? There goes the balloon and you didnt hang on.
28/06/86
Flush! Whee! Ha ha ha! Im done with my bath. Mm ... that was quick.
29/06/86
Calvin quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin Im trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I dont care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! Were going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But were all through now. You won.
30/06/86
Whats all the rukus?! Youre supposed to be asleep! And whats with all these feathers?! Are you tearing up your pillows?! It was incredible Dad! A herd of ducks flew in the window and molted! They left when the heard you coming! Honest! Nice alibi frizzletop! No dessert for a week! You want another pillow across the kisser? I didnt hear you offer any brainstorms!
01/07/86
You see Hobbes. I have a water balloon and you dont. I therefore have the offensive superiority. So you have to do what I say. What do you think of that? I think Ill take this stick and poke your balloon. Thats the trouble with weapons technology. It becomes obsolete so quickly.
02/07/86
Oh my gosh Hobbes! Dont move! What? What is it? The biggest ugliest fuzziest caterpillar Ive ever seen is about to chomp your bottom! Aaugh! Kill it! Kill it! Youww! Wham! You know what your problem is? Youve got no appreciation for physical humor. Thats what!
03/07/86
Where are you going? Im going to walk to the other side of the lake. Whats the bucket for? To drain the lake.
04/07/86
You know what I like about summer days? Theyre just made for doing things ... even if its nothing. Especially if its nothing.
05/07/86
This looks like a great place to catch a crawdad. What will we do with it if we catch one? Well thats one thing we dont need to worry about. You dont know what one is either huh?
06/07/86
Hobbes. You didnt bring your swim trunks here to the beach! No I prefer furry dipping. Yaaaaayy! Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot! Aaaaaahhhhh! Sploop splop. Brrrrrr! Cold cold cold. Ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot. Dont tell me we drove an hour and a half for this!
07/07/86
When are we going to get our vacation site? I wanna be there! Calvin its an eight-hour drive. Were not even out of our state yet. Its going to be a while relax. How much longer now? I told you we should have flown.
08/07/86
Theres a restaurant coming up. Want to stop? Only if they have hamburgers. Hamburgers? Thats all weve eaten this whole stupid trip! Hamburgers hamburgers hamburgers! Im sick of hamburgers! Were eathing something else for once! Ten million bottles of beer on the wall ten million bottles of beer ... ok! Ok! Heres a hamburger joint! Are you happy?!
09/07/86
I have to go the bathroom. Calvin we just pulled out of the restaurant cant you wait? Think of something else. All I can think of is Niagara Falls and the Hoover Dam and Noahs Ark and ... ooh boy now I have to go! Next year I swear Ill just take a vacation by myself.
10/07/86
This trip was excruciating thank goodness were here. Eight hours crammed in a car with a hyperactive six-year old! What an ordeal. Well now Calvin can run and scream all he likes. Ahh what a great little place. Im bored when are we leaving? Youre bored? Would you like me to show you how an anchor works?
11/07/86
Ahh! Another glorious sunrise. And not a soul around! This is the life! A brisk swim at dawn. A morning out in the boat ... and by 9am Im back with freshly caught fish for breakfast! The days hardly begun! What a vacation! Ugh ... Ive seen cheerier faces at the office. You eat your dead animals. All I want is some coffee. Why isnt there any TV up here? I hate this place.
12/07/86
Dad look! I caught a fish! Hey thats a big one. Ill show you how to clean it and well have it for dinner. Clean it? Cut off its head and gut it. Mmm! Pass me another of these great cheese sandwiches! Ha ha. No bones in these right?
13/07/86
Guess whats short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If youre going to tear around do it outside!! Okay okay ...
14/07/86
Wow look down there! I think thats the dim outline of a whale! I think thats a rock. And that must be a giant eel slithering up from the bottom! I think thats a weed. Ill bet this is the mast of an old spanish galleon sunk hundreds of years ago. Its a branch. Man this is boring. I wish there was a movie theater some place.
15/07/86
Want to go fishing? Sure. Fishing is one sport I really like. I can see why ... its so contemplative. Theres another one!!
16/07/86
Gzzzzzzzz! Waaauughhhh! Sploosh.
17/07/86
Stomp Stomp Stomp Stomp. Whap Whap Whap Whap. I dont like food cooked out do you? Ugh. It all tastes the same.
18/07/86
Flowers are pretty stupid. See its a bright sunny day out right? Well with this watering can I can make them think its raining. Its fun to mess with their minds.
19/07/86
The experiment has gone horribly wrong! Calvin has mutated into a giant fly! He zips about in parasitic hunger searching for decaying flesh! An unbearable stench fills the air. The hideous bug zeroes in. Mmm! This makes me hungry! Dont be gross. Just take out the garbage like I asked you will you please?
20/07/86
Its another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize its his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin the mighty giant goes on a terrible rampage striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! Its panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No I wont buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
21/07/86
Cmon Calvin! I signed you up for swimming lessons. I dont want swimming lessons!! Too late. Lets go. What about Hobbes? Did you sign him up too? No its not good to get tigers wet. Why is that? It takes us all day to dry and until we do we smell funny.
22/07/86
I cant believe my mom signed me up for swimming lessons. Here I am freezing my buns off at 9 in the morning about to jump into ice water and drown. The only thing that could possibly make this worse would be if the class was ... taught by my sadistic baby sitter!! Well look whos here!
23/07/86
Ok ... everyone in the water! I refuse! Im freezing already! Calvin do you know what a Rat Tail is? No. its when you soak a towel and twist it up into a whip. It stings like crazy and is much worse than being cold. Get my drift? I always though lifeguards were just taught how to resuscitate people and things like that.
24/07/86
This water is freezing! Im going to go into shock and drown I just know it. I bet the lifeguard is involved in some insurance scam and shes going to let us all drown like rats! Oh no! oh no! ok first were going to learn the deadmans float. Mom!! Helpp! Helpp! What I put up with to pay for college.
25/07/86
I dont want to learn how to swim! I dont need to know how. Ill just stay on dry land all my life. What if you fall out of a boat? No big deal.
26/07/86
Forty minutes of terror! Why did you sign me up for this? Why not something fun. Like hang gliding or sharpshooting? Or driving lessons! I could be taking driving lessons and learning something useful! How about piano lessons? You start Tuesday? Ack! No no no no no no no no no.
27/07/86
Hey mom are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers darting this way and that! Oh no! hes caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock but I think Ill forget it.
28/07/86
Hi Calvin what are you doing? Big important secret things! Go away! Get lost! All right dandelion head! Who cares what you do anyway! Were doing great things. Were having fun! I thought we were bored out of our skulls. Oh hush. You dont know anything.
29/07/86
That stupid Calvin. Hes so mean. All I try to do is be friends and he treats me like Im nobody. Well who needs jerks like him anyway? I dont need him for a friend. I can have fun by myself! Poop!
30/07/86
Susie Hobbes thought I was rude so Im sorry and you can come play with us if you want. Thanks Calvin. Thats really nice of you. Ok well play house now. Ill be the high-powered executive wife the tiger here can be my unemployed housekeeping husband and you can be our bratty and brainless kid in a day care center. This was your idea pea brain. Dont you talk to your father that way! Im off to wall street. Dont wait up.
31/07/86
The aliens are gaining on our hero! In a surprise move Spaceman Spiff shifts into reverse! The aliens roar ahead! Spiff shifts back into forward and pursues the aliens! ... but the aliens have turned around and are headed straight for our hero! Spiff shifts into reverse! Im getting sick.
01/08/86
Whack! Tell me this isnt a spitball!!
02/08/86
Hobbes quick! How do I stop?!? Steer into a gravel driveway and fall down! Skrunch! That was only a suggestion.
03/08/86
Boy its quiet around here today! Too quiet! Ha ha! Gotcha! Hey! ... rrrrrr ... squeak. Whoosh! Ha ha! Gotcha back! Hey! Sploosh! A water balloon! That dirty tiger escalated the war! This calls for supreme retaliation! Ill get him with the garden hose! Nothing can beat a hose for sheer volume of water! ... unless of course he went so far as to ...
04/08/86
Look at that thing in the dirt! It must be a fossil! I wonder what peculiar animal this was. But its not a bone. It must be some primitive hunting weapon or eating utensil for cave men. Maybe it had some religious function. This explains why your clothes stay on the floor.
05/08/86
Making a sign? Im declaring the creek back in the woods Calvins creek. When you discover something youre allowed to name it and put up a sign. But suppose you didnt discover that creek. Of course I did! Nobody else has a sign there right?
06/08/86
Can Hobbes and I go play in the rain Mom? No. why not? Youll get soaked. Whats wrong with that? You could catch pneumonia run up a terrible hospital bill linger a few months and die. I always forget. If you ask a mom you get a worse-case scenario. I had no idea these little showers were so dangerous.
07/08/86
Want to go spelunking with me? Spelunking? There arent any caves around here! You dont need a cave. All you need is a rock. Spelunk!
08/08/86
Well dad off to work? Too bad Im on summer vacation so I get to stay home and do whatever I want. Well go off and join the rat race! Mom and I are racking up lots of expenses! Oog. I just do that to help him appreciate the weekends more.
09/08/86
Hot day isnt it? Ill say. But its the humidity that really gets to me. You dont like it when its humid? Not at all. Then youd better get out quick.
10/08/86
Go on three ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I cant believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a pop! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
11/08/86
Whats for dinner? Salmon. Salmon?! Blecchh!! Calvin one of these days your face is going to freeze like that. Wow!
12/08/86
Hi Hobbes! Good heavens whats wrong with you? Mom said if I keep making this face it will freeze like this forever! You really think so? Its worth a try ... Ill bet my features are hardening already. I always liked gargoyles.
13/08/86
Dont make faces at the table Calvin. I cant help it. Mom said my face would freeze like this some day and it just did. No it didnt. it did dad! Mom was right Im horribly disfigured for life. No you arent. but dont worry I wont spoil dinner. See? Elephant man!
14/08/86
Here comes Susie. Ha! Wont she be horrified to see how our faces have tragically frozen! Hi Susie. Hi Calvin. What did you do get your head stuck in a blender? Its an improvement.
15/08/86
Are the coals hot? Yes theyre very hot Im just about to put on the hamburgers. Before you do could you toss in the can of lighter fluid and make a giant fireball? Ive got the most boring dad in the world.
16/08/86
With these snorkels we can stay under the water indefinitely. Just think of all the fish well be able to see! We can collect shells! Lets go! Well so far this has been a major disappointment.
17/08/86
You know Dad. It disturbs me that this wagon has no seat belts and wouldnt survive a 30 MPH impact with a stationary object. Um ... why do you bring this up? Oh no reason. Want to help me test the theory of relativity? Sure. The idea is that the faster we go the slower time goes. Gotcha. Its 10:23. What time is it now? 10:24. Go faster. Were going pretty fast! What time is it? 10:25 time still hasnt stopped. Has time stopped now? No just my heart. Well it looks like Einsteins a fraud wouldnt you say? No hes right! Look my watch isnt going at all any more!!
18/08/86
Add two eggs and stir. Right. The recipe says it makes twenty pancakes so well each get ten. Nah thats too much trouble. Well just make one big pancake and cut it in half.
19/08/86
Dad I want a bedime story! Im busy Calvin Ill read you one tomorrow. If you dont read me a story I wont go to bed! Once upon a time there was a boy named Calvin who always wanted things his way. One day his dad got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end. I dont like these stories with morals.
20/08/86
Dinners ready Calvin. Come to the table. Im watching television. No youre not! Yes I am. Im right here in front of it! No youre not! Oh thats right. Im at the table.
21/08/86
I saw a turtle down by the creek. Big deal! Who cares? Ive seen hundreds of turtles! Probably millions! Who wants to see another dumb ol turtle? Ha!
22/08/86
Can I ride in a grocery cart? I think youre a little big for that now. Please?? All right. Up you go. Oh boy! Now run down the aisle and let go!
23/08/86
Aawweeawweeaaw! The water looked a little cold eh Tarzan?
24/08/86
Wanna toss the ol pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but hes tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
25/08/86
I think Im using too strong a sun screen.
26/08/86
Fishing is the most boring sport in the world. Weve been sitting here for twenty minutes and not one thing has happened! Waaughh!
27/08/86
Youre on my half of the bed! Move over! Your side is way over there! Give me back those covers! Calvin be quiet and go to sleep!! You heard Dad. He said to get on your side and leave the covers alone. Thats not what he said! Hey! You stole my pillow! This lumpy one is yours!
28/08/86
With a drink of magic elixir Calvin turns himself invisible. Completely transparent he roams undetected! Calvin? Boy as soon as you want something done around here that kids nowhere to be seen.
29/08/86
Ha ha! I have turned myself invisible! By removing my clothing I can perpetrate any crime undetected! I have complete freedom! I can get away with anything! Calvin! What on earth are you doing in the cookie jar without your clothes on?!?
30/08/86
Your polls are slipping Dad. Better get with it. Calvin being your Dad is not an elected position. I dont have to respond to pools. Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity? Exactly. In short open revolt and exile is the only hope for change? I dont like the direction this conversation is taking.
31/08/86
Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life but his grip is weakening! He cant hold on! He ... he lets go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No no let him finish. This is very interesting so after you landed in Phoenix what happened? Well I dont care. Im not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well about then my gravity came back so I ...
01/09/86
Im going to learn how to ride this bicycle even if it kills me. Ok you can let go ... aaugh! Did it kill you? Not yet. Its decided to maim me first.
02/09/86
They say once you learn how to ride a bicycle you never forget. That doesnt surprise me. Waarrgh! It works on the same principle as electroshock therapy.
03/09/86
Easy ... easy ... hold it still ... there! Look! I did it! Im balancing! Thats good. Do you want to try it with the kickstand up?
04/09/86
Crash! It jumped me!!
05/09/86
Look theres a frog! Cmon lets catch it! Im not getting near it. Why not? They drink water all day just in case someone picks them up.
06/09/86
Im going to hang around the drugstore all afternoon and eat candy and read comic books! Oh no youre not! Why not?! Because Im your mother and I said so. Get back in here. And you can stop goose-stepping around the house!
07/09/86
Do you think boogeymen really exist? I dont know. ... but if they do Im sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story Ive ever heard. Lets get back to the tent! I dont think Ill ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didnt you? I dont know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. Im glad we carried a generator all this distance.
08/09/86
Hey Mom. Can we go out for pizza tonight? No we had pizza last night and besides its too expensive to eat out all the time. Oh youd rather blow the evening cooking and washing dishes than spend a few bucks? It seems like we go out for pizza a lot these days. If youd rather fix a dish of cereal at home be my guest. Hobbes wants triple anchovies.
09/09/86
Calvin and his trusty navigator Hobbes roar down the residential road at 90 MPH! Hobbes puts on the turn signal. Faster and faster they go! A busload of school children dives from the sidewalk! Hobbes puts on the windshield wipers. The police are after them! Calvin crawls down to put in the clutch and shift! Hobbes steers and blows the horn! All right Im back already! Cant I even run an errand without you blowing the horn across the parking lot?! It was Hobbes Mom not me.
10/09/86
See any UFOs? Not yet. Well keep your eyes peeled. Theyre bound to land here sooner or later. What will we do when they come? See if we can smell Mom and Dad into slavery for a star cruiser.
11/09/86
Z. Yawn! Ta daa! Sheesh.
12/09/86
Calvin I dont want you up in that ree. Why not? Some of the branches are dead and they might break. Come on down. Mom spoils everything. This isnt quite the same is it?
13/09/86
Gloonk! Gloonk! Calvin drink your milk in little sips!
14/09/86
Spaceman Spiff is hit! Hes going down! Fortunately our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planets atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiffs blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish Id brought my lunch today! Thats gross Calvin! If you dont like the cafeterias tapioca just leave it alone!
15/09/86
Summer vacations over! Nothing ahead but toil and drudgery for a whole year! Oh come on you spent half the summer complaining how bored you were. I did? You did. How strange. I must have been delirious from having so much fun.
16/09/86
I cant believe it! Homework already! I just got back to school! I have to write a paragraph on what I did over the summer! A whole paragraph!! Ill never be able to write that much! Its not fair!! Hows it coming? Not so good. What did you do besides watch TV?
17/09/86
In soccer you cant touch the ball with your hands or arms. See you can use any other part of your body ... even your head! Yeah but your face?? Doesnt that that hurt? Rrrrghh! Thats not what I meant to do!
18/09/86
I have a hypothetical question. Suppose a kid at school called me a nasty name ... should I kick him real hard in the shins? No I dont think violence would be justified. Heres another hypothetical question. What if I already did?
19/09/86
Ive decided to grow a beard Mom. A long beard like the guys in ZZ Top. Thats nice Calvin. You go ahead and do that. I thought shed put up more of a fuss than that.
20/09/86
How about these pants Mom? Can I get these? Good heavens look at the price! I dont have pants that cost this much! And youll grow right out of these! Honestly why would any kid need designer clothes?? Babes. Babes Mom. I gotta look cool.
21/09/86
Dont turn out the light Dad! You didnt check under the bed for monsters! Im sure there are no monsters under your bed go to sleep. Good night. Good-bye. Any monsters under my bed tonight? Theres no answer. Do you think theyre gone? Maybe theyre just staying queit. Keep watch over the side of the bed. Boy am I full! I mustve gained ten pounds today! Maybe Im getting a little plump! Youre bigger Calvin but theres no fat on you! I guess youre right. Im getting big but Im still nice and lean! Ugh. Something under the bed is drooling. Start tying the sheets together. Well go out the window.
22/09/86
Pay up squirt. Forget it Moe. Im not giving you the money. In fact I dont even have any. Gee thats too bad. Oh wait yes I do! Here. For a kid with a monosyllabic vocabulary hes awfully persuasive.
23/09/86
Ok Hobbes heres the plan to put Moe out of commission. You come to school with me and when Moe comes to steal my money you jump out and eat him! Eat him?? I couldnt do that! Sure you could! Whats wrong with that?! Fat kids are high in cholesterol. Well just chew him up and spit him out I dont care!!
24/09/86
If that bully is extorting money Im going to call the school and put an end to it. Dont do that! If Moe finds out I squealed Im a goner! This kid cant get away with stealing Calvin. Somebodys got to do something. Heres a list of what Im wearing. See you at the morgue.
25/09/86
Hey Twinkie heres the 2 cents I borrowed from you the other day. Somebody ratted on me and its gonna be a dark day if I ever find out who! I think Ill use the quarter to call my insurance agent.
26/09/86
Hi Dad its me! Calvin is this important? Im very busy this morning. Ill make it fast Dad. Can you pick up some topsoil and grass seed on your way home? Ok. Sure. Goodbye.
27/09/86
Ring Ring. Hello Calvin speaking. Id like to order a large anchovy pizza. What? I ... ?? oh Im sorry. You must have dialed the wrong number. Goodbye. I try to make everyones day a little more surreal.
28/09/86
Quit squirming Calvin. Youve got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream Dad. It was great. Youre welcome. Im tired of pulling you. Its my turn to ride. Your Dad didnt get me any ice cream so I get to ride both ways. No you dont! Dad said tigers dont like ice cream! Its my turn to ride! Tigers dont know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. Im not pulling. Ive got news fuzz brain. Im not pulling either! Well then I guess well both just sit here until we die. Why do these walks always end up as rides? oh you need the exercise more anyway.
29/09/86
What are you doing? Being cool. You look more like youre being bored. The world bores you when youre cool.
30/09/86
Look I brought a sombrero! Now we can both be cool. A sombrero? Are you crazy?! Cool people dont wear sombreros! Nobody wears sombreros! What fun is it being cool if you cant wear a sombrero?
01/10/86
Im back. See. I put on some Mickey Mouse pants! Ill be cool in these boy. Just look at these big yellow buttons! Mickey Mouse pants?!? You dont look cool! You look like an idiot! Hmph! Maybe Im new wave. Maybe youre just stupid.
02/10/86
Here comes Susie. Im going to throw a pine cone at her. Wwhippp. Pow!
03/10/86
Yahh! Oof! Grrr! Rgh! Rr! Rrr! Uh! Uh! Rrr! Umph! Touchdown! Lets play something else.
04/10/86
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? No. Nope. No. If there were any monsters under my bed how big would they be? Very small. Go to sleep. Momm!
05/10/86
Im hungry whens lunch? Right now. Hi Susie! Oh look youve got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! Hell grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! Hes a monster! No hes not. Hes a big cutie. Oh no! I cant look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
06/10/86
With great effort Calvin the human insect advances the paper in the typewriter. His only hope for proper medical treatment lies in his ability to write a legible message to his family! He craws to each key and jumps! Who wrote Help Im a bug on my letter to Grandma? Evidently some bug. How strange.
07/10/86
Back and forth. Back and forth. Tidal wave! Beats me Mom. Maybe the seal around the tub leaks.
08/10/86
Whats this music? Its The 1812 Overture. I kinda like it. Interesting percussion section. Those are the cannons. And they perform in crowded concert halls?? Gee. I thought classical music was boring!
09/10/86
Boy what a day! I went to school. Played outside and did my homework. Im exhausted. You know what time it is now? Uh 7:35. Its Miller time. Get back here.
10/10/86
Psst ... Susie! Whats 12 + 7? A billion. Thanks! Wait a minute. That cant be right ... thats what she said 3+4 was.
11/10/86
I just read this great science fiction story. Its about how machines take control of humans and turn them into zombie slaves! So instead of us controlling machines they control us? Pretty scary idea. Ill say hey! What time is it?? My TV show is on!
12/10/86
Were there dinosaurs when you were a kid dad? Oh sure! Your grandfather and I used to put on our leopard skins and hunt Brontosaurus for all the clan rituals. Listen buster I think Calvins grades are bad enough already dont you? The horrifying Tyrannosaurus lumbers across the prehistoric valley. The mighty dinosaur is a walking death machine! Only one other creature dares to challenge the terrible Tyrannosaurus! ... the savage Saber-Toothed Tiger! Gg mmf yow gzzzz mkn gbzz yow. Wake up! The meek Tyrannosaurus victim of an innocent misunderstanding tears like heck across the prehistoric valley.
13/10/86
Tomorrow were going to discuss current events in school. Each of us has to find a newspaper article read it to the class and explain it. What article did you choose? This one. Space alien weds two-headed Elvis clone. Actually theres not much left to explain.
14/10/86
Look what you can do with big socks! Just put one over each ear and one over your nose. An elephant! Ha ha! I want some socks too! If I miss the bus. Its going to be unpleasant around here!
15/10/86
Calvin how did you break this dish! I was carrying too much and it dropped. Your problem is youve got no common sense. Ive got plenty of common sense! I just choose to ignore it.
16/10/86
I dont understand this business about death. If were just going to die. Whats the point of living? Well theres seafood. I dont know why I even talk to you before dinner.
17/10/86
Ive decided I want to be a millionaire when I grow up. Well youll have to work pretty hard to get a million dollars. No I wont you will. Me? I just wan to inherit it.
18/10/86
The worst part about going to school is waiting for the bus. All you can do is stand here and imagine whats going to go wrong during the day. I bet we have a pop math quiz or something. Well here comes the bus. Thanks for waiting with me. My pleasure. Boy my lunch box seems light.
19/10/86
Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey Hobbes! Cmon and jump in the leaves! Its fun! I dont know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they dont. Do they? Slugs? Ugh just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! Thats the problem with nature. Somethings always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Lets go watch TV. Is it 3 oclock yet? We can watch The Blob!
20/10/86
As you can see Spaceman Spiff we have ways of extracting information from even the most uncooperative prisoners! Our hero captured by Zorkons eyes the diabolical instruments of torture! Very amusing. You twisted space frog. Whats this fiendish device called? A chin-up bar. Get on it. Spiff readies his daring escape.
21/10/86
Wheres my jacket? Its right on the floor where you left it. Its still on the floor? Why didnt you put it away? Gee my own copy of the emancipation proclamation.
22/10/86
Look I can make shadows on the wall heres a dog. Hey thats good! Heres a swan. Hmm ... that looks more like some bug eyed tentacled thing. Mommm!
23/10/86
Ah ... Ah ... Ah ... Ah ...kbthchh! Whyd you hold it in? Im trying to blow my shoes off.
24/10/86
It says on the back of this record that the composer could play the piano at age three. He wrote his first symphony when he was four. Thats amazing. When I was four I think I was toilet trained.
25/10/86
Im done with my homework! Im going outside to play! Ive got my jacket! Im leaving now! ... further bulletins as events warrant!
26/10/86
... so if you capture the other guys flag and make it back to your territory you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey you cant hide your flag in a tree! Its too hard to capture! Thats not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well its a rule now! From now on no flags in trees! Ok but I just tagged you so you have to go to jail. What?? Its a time out! I was making a new rule! You didnt officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on if you are discussing a new rule its automatically a time out. Ok time in! Tag! You cant do that! We have to say time in together! Since when?? Youre just changing rules so youll win! I am not! Im just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Whos a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way buster. I know all about those interest free bank loans to yourself!
27/10/86
Look mom. I put all my clothes for tomorrow on the stairs. Then in the morning Ill run out in my underwear and slide down at top speed! If I aim good I go right into my pants while Im putting on my shirt and by the bottom Im all dressed for school. And if you put my cereal on the stairs too I wont have to get up until 30 seconds before the bus comes. Forget it Calvin.
28/10/86
Ack. Igg. Look mom Ive got rabies. Go spit out your toothpaste and stop being silly. Maybe dad will fall for it if I bite him first.
29/10/86
What are you going to dress up as for Halloween? I dont know yet I cant decide. Well the idea is to be the scariest thing you can think of. Hmm ... maybe Ill just go as myself! Im going as a barrel of toxic waste!
30/10/86
Were going to carve a Jack-Olantern now. See well make a face on this pumpkin so it will look like a head. But first we have to open up the top and scoop out the glop inside. Ok Jack time for your lobotomy!! Hand me a big spoon. Will you Hobbes? Ugh? No anesthetic even.
31/10/86
I think Dad likes Halloween as much as we do. Is he taking us trick or treating tonight? No Mom is. Is he going to stay home and give out candy? No hes going to sit in the bushes with the garden hose and drench potential tpers.
01/11/86
Oog. I feel awful. If someone even mentions Milk Duds. Im going to barf. Another Halloween come and gone. Its always such a letdown after a holiday. We might as well go into town and look at the Christmas decorations.
02/11/86
Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Heres the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and lets do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. Ill go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? Cmere and let me explain something to you ...
03/11/86
Moms not feeling well. So Im making here a Get Well card. Thats thoughtful of you. See on the front it says Get Well Soon. And on the inside it says Because my bed isnt made my clothes need to be put away and Im hungry. Love Calvin. Want to sign it? Sure. Im hungry too.
04/11/86
Hi Mom! Since youre sick. Im bringing you breakfast in bed! I prepared eggs toast and orange juice for you all by myself! How nice! The eggs kind of burned and stuck to the pan but you can probably chip them out with this chisel. Um ... where is the toast and orange juice? Dad said not to tell you about that till your better.
05/11/86
Since your Moms sick. Ill be making dinner tonight. You can cook? As you can see I survived two years of my own cooking when I had an apartment after college. Mom says you ate frozen waffles and canned soup three meals a day. Your Mom wasnt there so she wouldnt know. Get the syrup out will you?
06/11/86
Sometimes when Im sick you read me a story want me to read you one? No thanks Calvin. I just want to rest. Its hard to be a Mom for a Mom. You do fine sweetie. Whoa! Hey! Are you contagious?!
07/11/86
Whats wrong with your Mom do you know? No she went to the doctor today though. I wonder if ... nah. What? You dont suppose shes going to have a baby do you? A baby?!? Why would she want another kid?? Shes already got me! Yes. Youd think shed have learned her lesson ...
08/11/86
I asked dad if mom was going to have a baby and he said not that he knew of. Dad said wed know if mom was having a kid because shed look like a hippopotamus with a gland problem. ... thats when Mom creamed him with her pillow. Dad says she must be feeling better. You have weird parents.
09/11/86
Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin will you please stop tearing around the house?! Youre driving me crazy! You said we couldnt go outside because its raining. Boy that sure worked. Were not allowed back in until when?
10/11/86
Hey Mom I got a part in the class play! I get to say a line and everything! Thats wonderful Calvin. Its a great dramatic role! My character will have everyone in tears at the end of the second act! Whats the play? Nutrition and the four food groups. Im an onion.
11/11/86
Ok Hobbes. I need you to help me memorize my line for the play. Sure. Im the onion and I say In addition to supplying vital nutrients many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber. Ok ready? Ready. Go ahead. In addition ... wait. Hold it. Im not in character yet. What motivates an onion? Fame. I suppose this could be a big break.
12/11/86
Ok. You be Bread. Prompt me. Glucose is the bodys main energy source! In addition ... uh ... um ... In addition ... um ... wait. Grrrgh! I hate this play! Ill never be able to learn this stupid part! Well your emoting is down pat.
13/11/86
Ive got it all figured out Hobbes. This play will be no sweat. You have your line all memorized? No. I thought Id come out. Do a little soft-shoe and adlib something! Adlib something about dietary fiber? Either that or Ill do my onion in mime!
14/11/86
Hows my onion costume coming Mom? Im still working on it. I wish your class would do something a little less elaborate. Im not much of a seamstress. Just be glad Im not Russy White he has to be an amino acid. Mm ... what do you think? Jabba the Hutt meets Rudolf the Reindeer. I dunno Mom.
15/11/86
Are you going to come to my play dad? Its called Nutrition and the Four Food Groups. Ill probably have to work Calvin. But Dad. Itll be great drama! Im an onion! Well why dont you say your line for me now? Ok! Um ... lets see ... In addition to ... ... uh ... hold it ... um. 2kids in food suits forgetting their lines. Ill definitely be at work. Dear! Calvins worked hard. Ok uh ... In addtion ... uh ... no wait ... um.
16/11/86
Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop Zip zop. Snow pants. Well? Lets have some snow!! Its snowing! I can make it snow! Im psychokinetic! Hey! Hey! Ohh hes going to hate me for this.
17/11/86
Do you have your line memorized for the nutrition play Calvin? Im still learning it being an onion is a difficult role you know. What are you? Im Fat. No I mean in the play. Anyone else want to say it?!? Aackk! Understudy! Understudy!
18/11/86
Thanks for waiting for the bus with me Hobbes. I feel like an idiot in this onion suit. Ill be lad when this stupid play is over. Oh no! Run for your life! A produce truck! ... just kidding!
19/11/86
Susie wheres Calvin? He goes onstage right after you! I dont know Miss Wormwood. He was here a minute ago. Maybe he went to the boys room. Hes on in two minutes! Fine time to go to the boys room! Fine time to get stuck in my costume stupid zipper!
20/11/86
I cant believe it! Im stuck in my onion suit! I cant go onstage with my shirt caught in my costume! Help! Help! Im supposed to be on now! Im supposed to be saying my line! What should I do?? What should I do?? In addition to supplying vital nutrients many vegetables are a source of dietary fiber!!
21/11/86
Im home! Hi honey. How did your play go? Terrible. I got stuck in my zipper in the bathroom and they had to stop the play and get a janitor to find me and get me out. Oh no. thats awful! Ill say. The play was ruined ... but I remembered my line!
22/11/86
Up up and away! Woomph! Ackk! Kryptonite! Kryptonite!
23/11/86
Can Hobbes and I come in the store with you Dad? No you stay in the car. Sheesh. Knock over one lousy display stand and pay for it the rest of your life. Ill just be a minute. Wait here. Ok. Lets hide and give Dad a scare! Maybe hell think we ran away! Lie down and Ill pull this blanket over us. Then put this bag on top. Hee hee! I hear him coming! Sshhh! Hee hee! Gee I wonder where Calvin went! And his tigers gone too! Nows my chance to get away before they get back! Wont Mom be glad when she hears I lost htem! Mom wont be glad at all you sicko! Sorry to spoil your getaway! What? Youre here?? Oh rats ... I mean good!
24/11/86
Want to trade sandwiches Calvin? No Ive got my favorite kind. What did you bring? Peanut butter. I have processed mouse loaf. Oh gross. Thats not really mouse loaf. It looks like egg salad. Taste it and see. Here. I think this is a whisker its good. Forget it. I dont even want my own lunch anymore. You dont? what kind of cookies are those?
25/11/86
Ta-daaa!!
26/11/86
How do they know the load limit on bridges Dad? They drive bigger and bigger trucks over the bridge until it breaks. Then they weigh the last truck and rebuild the bridge. Oh. I shouldve guessed. Dear if you dont know the answer. Just tell him!
27/11/86
Its hard to believe people still starve in this world. Theres even hunger in America. Some people never get enough to eat. Boy I know what thats like! No you dont.
28/11/86
The soldiers advance up the hill! Oh no! a squadron of bombers appears on the horizon! The bombs begin to fall! Bonk bonk. Two direct hits! I see you up there!
29/11/86
Look Hobbes you get a plastic trinket in boxes of Chocolate-Frosted Sugar Bombs! It says Be the first in your neighborhood to collect all ten colors. Yeah but Mom says she wont buy any more cereal until this box is gone. That shouldnt take more than a couple of hours right? I dunno after five bowls I get pretty wired.
30/11/86
A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer he careens over an alien city! Theres no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didnt think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
01/12/86
Calvin your dad and I are going out tomorrow. So youll be having a baby sitter. Oh no! not Rosalyn! I called eight people and shes the only one who would do it. Call some more! Call some more! Calvin I spent half an hour on the phone already. Rosalyns fine. Fine?? shes a barracuda in a high school senior suit! Im as good as dead! You remember Amy? She just laughed when I called her.
02/12/86
Oh no! A knock at the door! The baby sitter must be here! Should we hide? No way. Baby sitters can smell fear in little kids. Wed be doomed. So we go on the offensive? Right. Heres a notepad and pencil. Oh boy blackmail! Right get to the upstairs phone when she calls her boyfriend.
03/12/86
Were going Rosalyn. Help yourself to anything in the fridge. Ok good-bye. Calvin? Are you upstairs? Wap wap. All right kid! Bedtime for Bonzo!! What?! Get away! Its not even 6 oclock!
04/12/86
I cant believe our baby sitter put us to bed! Its not even dark out! Well she can put us to bed but she cant make us sleep. You play the horn and Ill accompany on tom-tom. Calvin I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less comfy. What did she mean the basement? Shhh!
05/12/86
Rosalyn were going to be a little later than we expected so I thought Id better call you. Thats fine. Calvin went to bed early so Im just holding down the fort. Whos on the phone? Is it my Mom? I want to talk to her! Mom! Mom! Can you hear me?! Come home now before its too late! Help! Help! No thats just the tv. Ill see you at 11:30 then. Enjoy the play.
06/12/86
Sorry were late Rosalyn. Did you get Calvin to bed? Yes but ... Mom! Dad! Is that you? Im not asleep! Did you get rid of the baby sitter? Thank goodness youre home! Has he been this way all night? Well his voice gave out about 11 oclock but it seems to be If shes still here dont pay her! Give her a little extra will you dear? Is five enough? Could you make it eight? College tuitions are up.
07/12/86
Im ready for bed Dad. Whats tonights story going to be? Heres one Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics. Youll love it. Forget it Dad. You cant get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it huh? Goldilocks and the three tigers. Oh boy this is gonna be great! Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl a medium bowl and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big medium and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ... Calvin Im not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I dont know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didnt even look at our illustrations. Now Im all hungry.
08/12/86
What a rotten day. Zz ... mmp ... bgz ... ahhhhh ... gnz ... hee hee ... zzz ... Fuzz therapy. Zzz ... nuk nuk ... woonk ...
09/12/86
Hello Susie. This is Calvin. I lost our homework assignment can you tell me what we were supposed to read for tomorrow? Are you sure youre not calling for some other reason? Why else would I call you? Maybe you missed the melodious sound of my voice. What are you crazy?? All I want is the stupid assignment. First say you missed the melodious sound of my voice. This is blackmail!
10/12/86
Im home from school! Oof! Helloooo. Bonk bing boing. Hows that for an enthusiastic greeting?? Sometimes I wish youd just buy me one of those I missed you cards.
11/12/86
Ive got a great idea for school tomorrow. I cut a ping-pong ball in half and now Im drawing dots on each end. Ill just put one over each eye and it will look like Im really paying attention. Or will I look too interested? I doubt it. Im over here.
12/12/86
Bad news on your polls Dad. You slipped another two notches. Things are looking grim for future office. Is that so? Any ideas on what would improve my standings? I need a VCR. Right Ill keep that in mind. I hope youre reading the Help Wanted Section.
13/12/86
Look I got a letter Im supposed to copy and send to 20 people for good luck. Its a chain letter. It says A man in Denver made 20 copies and the next day he got a raise. A man in Seattle broke the chain and he went bald. Ha! You believe that? These letters are for superstitious nincompoops. Throw it away. ... and a dumb kid like you listened to a friend and got run over by a cement mixer.
14/12/86
I spelled Be how many points do I get? Um ... 2 points. 2 points?! Is that @*#%! all?? My this game does teach new words! See I spelled zygomorphic on a triple word score box. Thats 150 points. All Ive got is consonants. Your turn. Well if I use your letter I I can spell in. Thats 3 points. I pick out some new letters ... hmm ... with your n I can spell nucleoplasm thats lets see 40 points. All Ive got is consonants. Im not going to play this stupid game! I hate it!! What a waste of time! What should we play instead? Lets play poker. At least with cards you have half a chance. Ok I bet a nickel. Ill see you ... and raise you 8 dollars.
15/12/86
Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to the size of an insect! His only hope is to call for help! Pushing with all his might Calvin dials the gigantic telephone. Its ringing! He runs to the mouthpiece! Will anyone be able to hear him?? Bzz bz! Bzzzz! Bzz bz! Bzz bz! Calvin this had better not be you.
16/12/86
Fwooshhh. Greetings earth female. Do not be alarmed. Our planet is dying. We need cookies to survive. Do not try to resist or you will be destroyed. Well see about that. Get back here.
17/12/86
This Ouija board knows all and tells all. What should we ask it? Lets ask it which of us is smarter. Ok go ahead. Oh great Ouija board. Who is smarter Calvin or Hobbes? Quit resisting you! Its heading for the H! Ha! Its obviously trying to (mmf) go to C you cheater!
18/12/86
Lets ask the Ouija board another question. Ok Ive got one. Oh great Ouija board will I grow up to be president? Its moving! G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D When I want an editorial Ill ask for it you stupid board!
19/12/86
How is it that this Ouija board knows all the answers to lifes mysteries? Lets ask it. Oh great Ouija board. How do you know all the answers? Its moving! Its moving! Whats it say? 3 You know I didnt ask for this last Christmas. I asked for a computer.
20/12/86
Why do I have to go to bed now? I never get to do what I want! If I grow up to be some sort of psychopath because of this youll all be sorry!! Nobody ever became a psychopath because he had to go to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah but you wont let me chew tobacco either! You never know what might push me over the brink! Go to bed Calvin.
21/12/86
Run! Aiee! Look out! I wonder why Japanese people keep moving their moths after theyre through talking. Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ... an undersea nuclear explosion awakens a giant prehistoric monster! It makes its way to the coast of Japan and emerges! Yaarghhh. He heads for the power lines leaving a trail of destruction behind. Calvin get back in the tub! Youre making a mess! His ancient arch-rival Megalon! He spews a mighty fireball! Aauughh! Tokyo is in ruins! Megalon vanquished! He returns to the sea from whence he came! No more afternoon TV movies for you! ... Ever!!
22/12/86
Oh boy you got some clay. Im making Mom and Dad a Christmas present. What are you making? An ashtray. Your parents dont smoke. Of course ... ok Michalengelo you sculpt something!
23/12/86
A homemade gift says more than a store-bought gift. It says you care enough to invest your time and skill in it. It says this is a personal gift not a generic one. It says you need a bigger allowance.
24/12/86
This article says that many people find Christmas the most stressful time of the year. I believe it. This season sure fills me with stress. Really? How come? I hate being good.
25/12/86
Psst! Are you awake? Is it Christmas? It is! It is! Lets go wake Mom and Dad and open all our loot! Since its Christmas maybe we should let them sleep a little. Thats long enough! Wake up! Wake up! Its Christmas!! Quarter to 6. He let us sleep in this year.
26/12/86
Omigosh! This library book was due two days ago! What will they do? Are they going to interrogate me and beat me up?! Are they going to break my knees?? Will I have to sign some confession?? Theyll fine you ten cents now go return it. The way some of those librarians look at you. I naturally assumed the consequences would be more dire.
27/12/86
Hey Dad I have a question. Sure Calvin. What do you want to know? If you plugged up your nose and mouth right before you sneezed ... would the sneeze go out your ears or would your head explode? I was kind of hoping you had a math problem or something. ... either way. Im scared to try it.
28/12/86
Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? Theres no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. Its just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
29/12/86
Behold the dreaded toboggan: suicide sled. Its unique design sends a blinding spray of snow on its passengers at the slightest bump. Note too the lack of any steering mechanism. Yes this sled is truly a hazard to life and limb. Wheee! Oomph!
30/12/86
Boy is it cold! Cant we turn the heat up? Heat is expensive Calvin. Just put on a sweater. Look the thermostat goes all the way up to 90 degrees! We could be sitting around in our shorts. Leave the thermostat alone Calvin. I can almost see my breath. Ill just crank it up to 75 ok? I said dont touch it. Gee my hands are so numb I cant move the switch. Guess Ill put on a sweater.
31/12/86
Ooh. You look cold Calvin! Theres a fire made. Why dont you go warm up? Oh boy! Nothing beats sitting by a roaring fire after youve been out in the cold. Of course some people say why bother going outside first?
01/01/87
Calvin I hope you took your boots off before you walked across the floor. Of course I did! You dont need to tell me all the time!
02/01/87
Given any more thought to that backyard ski lift proposal of mine? Oh yes. Lots.
03/01/87
Hobbes is always a little loopy when he comes out of the dryer.
04/01/87
What a day! And no one to share it with! Woo hoo hoo. Its cold out there today! Brrrr! Brisk! Just the way I like it! Wow! Sniff. Ha! Weather like this lets you know youre alive! Cmon out gang! Its a perfect day! Youll get used to the wind if you keep moving! Hey Cmon! are you guys just going to stay inside all day?!? Shut the dumb door!! Ok ok! I was on my way back outside anyway! ... sheesh ... theres one in every house. Just how long did you know Dad before you married him?
05/01/87
Watcha doin? Im writing my autobiography. But youre just six years old. Ive only got one sheet of paper.
06/01/87
Hi Hobbes. are you reading that book I gave you? Yes. Its very good. You like it? Sure I think its ... wait a minute. Would you mind writing it in two pages for me by tomorrow morning?
07/01/87
Mom was I adopted? No why do you ask? Are you planning to put me to work in a cannery for fourteen hours a day when I turn seven? Of course not! Youre not just fattening me up to eat me are you? Good heavens Calvin! Who put all these ridiculous ideas in your head?!? Thats right. Ridiculous ideas she called them. Oh sure you think your moms going to tell you?
08/01/87
Whifffff whiff whiff whiff whiff whiff. For all that preparation you sure are a lousy shot.
09/01/87
Go ahead down. Youll miss all those trees. You can do it. Youll stop before you go over that ledge at the bottom. You wont go into that pond. Besides the ice is probably real thick anyway. Go ahead down. My brain is trying to kill me.
10/01/87
Galosh. Galosh. Galosh.
11/01/87
Boy is this hill big! Well have a good long ride down! Provided we improve our steering. Hobbes do you think human nature is good or evil? Watch out for those trees. I mean do you think people are basically good with a few bad tendencies or basically bad with a few good tendencies? Theres a rock up ahead! Look out! Or as a third possibility. Do you think people are just crazy and who knows why they do anything? Not so close to the ledge! Well? What do you think? Are people good bad or crazy? Aughh! I cant look! Wump! You know its very rude of you to keep changing the subject after every sentence. I choose crazy.
12/01/87
I called Susie a boogerbrain after school and she went home crying. Goodness whyd you do that? I dunno I was just teasing. It sounds like you hurt her feelings. I didnt mean for her to take the insult personally!
13/01/87
Sniff. That stupid Calvin. What does he call me names for no reason? Its just mean. I wish I had a hundred friends. Then I wouldnt care. Id say Who needs you Calvin? Ive got a hundred other friends! Then my hundred friends and I would go do something fun and leave Calvin all alone! Ha! ... and as long as Im dreaming Id like a pony.
14/01/87
I feel bad that I called Susie names and hurt her feelings. Im sorry I did it. Maybe you should apologize to her. I keep hoping theres a less obvious solution.
15/01/87
Sticks and stones may break my bones. But words will never hurt me. Yeah right.
16/01/87
Um ... hi Susie ... I ... uh ... well ... Get lost Calvin. Youre mean. Dont walk away! Im trying to apologize you dumb noodleloaf! Slap!
17/01/87
Susie Im sorry I called you names. I didnt mean to hurt your feelings. Well you did hurt my feelings. But I accept your apology. Thank you. Oh boy thank goodness I got that over with! ... on second thought lets see you grovel a little bit!
18/01/87
Should I or shouldnt I? Too late! I did. Wap! Did you throw a snowball at me?! Me? A snowball? Did someone throw a snowball at you? Oh dont play innocent with me you liar! I know you threw that! Call me a liar. Will you? Well it takes one to know one Mr. Tapioca head! Ooh! An insult! Ive been maligned! Ill never speak to you again! Hmph. Promises promises! Oh yeah? Twbbthbpthh! Yeah! Thbthbbptb! Thbppbpth! Thbbth! This is you: aggle aggle aggle! Oh yeah? This is you: gakka wakka wakka! Calvin time to come in! leave it to mom to interrupt our repartee. ... just when I had you wriggling in the crushing grip of reason too ...
19/01/87
Hey Hobbes you got a letter. A letter? For me? Wow. I never get letters! What fun! A letter for me! I wonder who sent it? I wonder what it says? What could this possibly be? Open it and find out you lunatic! Dont get huffy. I want to savor this.
20/01/87
Well? Well? Whatd you get? It looks like an invitation. An invitation? Whod invite you anywhere? A lot of people thats who buster. Theres obviously been some mistake nobody invites a tiger anywhere. You cant get the insurance. Well somebody is inviting me somewhere. I got an invitation. Who? Whats it say?? Read it already!! Probably some big state dinner. I hope I can find my cummerbund.
21/01/87
So what does the invitation say you dumb hairball? Call me names will you? Ill read it when Im good and ready. Aargghh! Oooohh! Mpf! Ggh! Rrgghghmfmff! Ok now Im ready ... ahem ... Dear Hobbes. Faster!
22/01/87
Well well! Its an invitation to Susie Derkins birthday party. How nice. Susie invited you? What about me? Does it say me too? No it doesnt say anything about you. She must have mailed my invitation separately she probably wanted to insure it so shell know it didnt get lost. Sometimes those take longer. Ill have to sign for it and all. Im sure shes taking no chances with mine. Oh wait. On the back it says You can bring that stupid kid you hang around with if you must.
23/01/87
We get to go to a birthday party! That stupid Susie. Balloons cake presents ... oh boy! She wont be getting a very big present from me thats for sure. I bet well play games too! It will be fun! Hmph. Maybe well play Spin the Bottle! Oh get real!
24/01/87
Ill make a list of possible gifts for Susies birthday. What should we give her? how about a mouth full of broken teeth? Thats what Id like to give her. oh dont be so cranky. I think we should get her a can of tuna fish. Tuna fish? Why would she want that? Well maybe she wouldnt and we could offer to take it back ... and borrow some bread a little mayo ... right Hobbes.
25/01/87
Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep fuzz face! Thats your move right? I get to go now right? Its too late for you to change your mind right? Not so fast ... my hands still on it. Jump jump jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didnt want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know youd cheat! I knew youd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look its just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!
26/01/87
Susies house is the next one up. This is our last chance to not show up and have a new bike horn.
27/01/87
Hi Susie. Happy birthday! Hello Calvin. Thanks for coming. Oh look at your stuffed tiger! Hes wearing a tie! Hes just adorable! Ok you were right. Girls flip for ties. You can stop winking at me. Cmon in.
28/01/87
Ok everyone. The idea of a scavenger hunt is to bring us back as many of these items as you can in half an hour. Lets go! Quick Hobbes whats the first item? An old license plate. Great! I saw one on the way over! Cmon! good thing I always carry a Swiss army knife. Nobodys coming right? Is this game legal?
29/01/87
Heres a paper plate for the birthday cake Calvin. Thank you. I hope its good. I hate it when the birthday kid chooses something gross like coconut. You dont have to worry. Its chocolate. Oh good. Did you see it? Hey! Who cut a piece of my cake already?! I didnt even get to blow out the candles!! Its nice and moist too.
30/01/87
Glad you both could come. Thank you for the nice present. Good-bye. Mom may not want this piece of cake and ice cream were bringing her.
31/01/87
Hey! It snowed last night! Oh boy! Look at it all! Theyll have to close the schools! Snow everywhere! It must be waist deep! Unfortunately thats a relative measure.
01/02/87
Either hes playing classical music at 78 RMP or Im still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning Im calling the orphanage.
02/02/87
Whats the teacher handing out? Our report cards. Our report cards? You know our grades. Grades? Were being graded? Of course dummy. What did you think? Dont we even get a few practice semesters?
03/02/87
I brought my report card home dad. Well! Lets see it! Remember how you once told me it didnt matter what grades I got ... just as long as I tried my hardest right? Well you could certainly be trying harder than this! So you admit you were lying?
04/02/87
Dad says my report card shows that not enough time is being spent on my homework. So from dinner till bed is now designated as homework time. I dont think thats fair! If it doesnt take that long to do why should I have to stay in my room all that time? Yeah can I help it Im so fast?
05/02/87
Can I have some clay? Help yourself. This stuffs impossible to work with. Thanks. Ive got a pretty good bowl or something going here. It started out as a phantom jet but it sort of squashed so now I think its a bowl. Mmm thats very good. Yeah Im real pleased with it.
06/02/87
Uh oh. Theres a dinosaur in the kitchen. Well if you see Calvin anywhere tell him its almost time for dinner. Id invite you but no dinosaurs are allowed at the dinner table. Ha. Dinosaurs eat anywhere they want.
07/02/87
Lets go Calvin. Time for your bath. Im not taking baths anymore. I hate them. Oh? And how are you going to stay clean? Easy.
08/02/87
Why cant I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This wont go any more. Its too big to push. Ok leave it here. Im exhausted! Well we cant stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
09/02/87
Wheres Dad? Hes in the living room making a fire. A fire! Oh boy! Oh in the fireplace.
10/02/87
Wanna call that a single or give this up?
11/02/87
What did Calvin want with those Christmas lights? He didnt say.
12/02/87
Where do we keep all our chainsaws Mom? We dont have any chainsaws Calvin. We dont? Not any? Nope. How am I ever going to learn how to juggle?
13/02/87
The giant amoebae slides along the kitchen floor. Extending a cytoplasmic pseudopod the protozoan engulfs a package of oatmeal cookies. Nice try. Put them back.
14/02/87
The majestic eagle circles slowly in the clouds. With eyes so sharp he can spot movement a mile below. He sights his prey and dives! Reaching speeds of more than 100 mph his unwary prize will never know what hit it! Wake up Dad! Its Saturday! Zz ... wha?
15/02/87
Here is success Mr. Jones. He lives an a 5 acre home in a wealthy suburb. Here is the new Mercedes in the driveway. Its anyones guess as to how much longer Mr. Jones can meet his monthly finance charges. Here comes Mr. Jones out of his attractive suburban home. He hops in his red sports car. Off he goes to work. 80 ... 90 ... 100 miles an hour! ... along the edge of the Grand Canyon!! Suddenly his steering wheel locks and he brakes fail! He careens over the edge! Oh no! Down he goes! His only hope is to climb out the sun roof and jump! Maybe just maybe he can grab a branch and save himself! He unwinds the sun roof! Can he make it? No! The car explodes in mid-air propelling millions of tiny shards into the stratosphere! Kablooie! The neighbors hear the boom echoing across the canyon. They pile into a mini-van to investigate! What will happen to them?
16/02/87
Dad did you do a mating dance when you first saw mom? A mating dance? Yeah I saw some birds do it on TV. They went awk awk braau-auukkk! yes thats more or less how I reacted. To what wise guy? ... think carefully.
17/02/87
Out you go Hobbes. into the dryer. Rrrrrr Ding! Goodness youre a fright. Tell your mom to put some conditioner in the wash next time.
18/02/87
I cleaned my room Mom. And I even did it without you telling me to. Well that was very thoughtful. Of course this isnt going to be a habit or anything.
19/02/87
How come it doesnt take you as long as Mom to vacuum the house? Maybe Im more efficient. Maybe you dont do as good a job. Why dont you go find something to do Mr. Critic? Ok can I take this dust ball in for show and tell tomorrow? Calvin this dust ball is going to be our little secret all right? Aaacck! Look at this thing! Dear I thought you did this room!
20/02/87
Ive been in the water about 20 minutes look at my fingers. Theyre all wrinkled! So are my toes! Pretty neat huh? Big pink raisin discovered in tub - boys whereabouts unknown! Aaugh!
21/02/87
For the next 60 seconds I will conduct a test of my emergency broadcast equipment. Aaaaaaaaghhhhhhhh! Had this been a real emergency the scream you just heard would have been followed by lots more just like it. This concludes my ... oh someday when the house caves in shell thank me. Mark my words.
22/02/87
Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! Ive got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! Im gonna getcha! Im coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle tickle! Whoa! Whoa! Wed better stop. Calm down calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired Dad. Im all wound up and Mom needs to be put to bed.
23/02/87
Oh Mom I need Crisco for school today! Shortening? Honestly Calvin I wish youd remember these things the night before. Now hurry up and get ready. Right. Heres the Crisco back. Thanks. You put it in your hair?? Get back here! Youre not going to school like that! Aw cmon Mom! Its class picture day!
24/02/87
What with your hair? I told Mom Im getting my school picture taken today and she made me comb out the Crisco I put in my hair. Now I look like a moron. Thats true. You do. Well dont just stand there! Think of something! What can I do? There much better! Whatd you do is it cool? Is it new wave? Gee I wish I had a mirror.
25/02/87
The bus is going to be here any minute. Youre sure you fixed my hair so it looks ok? It looks great. Try not to muss it up. Youre not kidding me are you? This really looks good? Trust me. You look like ... like ... Astro boy. All right! I cant wait to get my picture taken now!
26/02/87
Calvin! What did you do to your hair?? Dont you know we have our pictures taken today? Of course silly. Thats why I did it. Its Crisco. Does your mom know you look like that? Sort of. Hobbes fixed me up a little bit at the bus stop. Wow. I wish I had some Crisco. Wait till Mom sends my picture to Grandma!
27/02/87
Ok kid sit up straight on the stool and look right at me. Thats it. Are you ready to take my picture? Should I take off my shirt now? Kid what are ... ? dont take off your shirt!! See? I painted a face on my stomach. Kid put your shirt back on. But look! When I breath out the face changes! See? Ok take one quick!
28/02/87
Look Hobbes I got my school pictures back. Look at you! Ha ha ha! Look at your hair! Hee hee! These are great! Arent they though? Hee hee hee! What an expression! Hoo hoo hoo! Ha ha! Yeah see how I got my one eye to roll back? Ha ha ha! Your mothers going to go into conniptions of course. Oh cmon. Years from now think of the memories these will bring.
01/03/87
Glik glik glik. Oh no! what have I done?!? The human body is 80% water. Little did Calvin realize how critical it is to maintain that! Now its too late! By drinking that extra glass of water Calvin has upset that precious balance! He is now 90% water! Everything solid in Calvins body begins to dissolve! He is becoming liquid!! His only hope is somehow to get to an icebox and freeze himself solid until he can get proper medical attention! Unfortunately as a liquid Calvin can only run downhill! Can he make it? Can he make it?? I dont think Im going to make it. Theres a gas station up ahead. Just hold on. Didnt I tell you not to drink so much before we left?!
02/03/87
Calvin how do you explain this test score? Its terrible! I didnt study for it. What do you mean you didnt study for it? Why not? I forgot. You forgot? How could you possibly forget?? What? Huh? Where am I? Who am I? Dont give me this amnesia stuff!
03/03/87
gee it was awfully nice of you strangers to have me over for dinner. Calvin knock it off. You mean me? Is my name Calvin? Youre not fooling anyone young man. You do not have amnesia. This all seems vaguely familiar ... and yet ... and yet ... youre asking for an early bedtime kid. Well he seems to remember he likes dessert anyway. This is dessert you say? Hmm ... perhaps my memory would return if I had some more. Thats it bed!
04/03/87
Ive had enough of this silly amnesia game. Since you wont stop it youre going to bed. You can let me know if you want to be serious. Wink. Aauughh! Mister theres a tiger in this room!!
05/03/87
Calvin all we want is for you to study and do your best in school education is very important. Thats why this amnesia game has to stop. No more forgetting to do your homework. Ok? Ok mister. Ok? ... uh Dad. Right Dad. You got it.
06/03/87
Im glad to see youre doing your homework. How is your math class going now? Um ... Im doing great. How great? Real great. Have you been passing all your quizzes? I didnt say phenomenal.
07/03/87
RING RING RING RING RI ... Its never for me and I hate taking messages.
08/03/87
IM HOME! AAUUGH! YAAAA! I thought that after seven boring hours at school I though you might appreciate one moment of pure abject terror. Let me up to get my bat and Ill thank you.
09/03/87
Hobbes look! Theres a little raccoon on the ground. Is it alive? I think so but hes hurt. See hes hardly breathing. Better not touch him if hes hurt. Yeah. You wait here and guard him. Ill run and get Mom. I sure hope she can help. Of course she can! You dont get to be Mom if you cant fix everything just right.
10/03/87
Theres Hobbes guarding him Mom. The little raccoons right over there! Ooh Calvin I dont know if we can save him. He looks pretty bad. Go get a shoe box and a clean dish towel. Right! I dont think this poor little guy is going to make it Hobbes (sigh) I hate it when these things happen. ... you can tell Im upset when I start talking to you.
11/03/87
Well I got him in the shoe box. I guess all we can do is keep him warm and safe. Well keep him in the garage and put out some water and food. I read in a book that raccoons will eat just about anything. Chances are Ill be happy to donate most of my dinner. Calvin you dont even know what were having.
12/03/87
Has he eaten anything? No. dont die little raccoon. It wouldnt be very grateful of you to break my heart.
13/03/87
I cant sleep. Me either. I keep thinking about the raccoon. I hope he lives. Me too. I think animals are always so cute.
14/03/87
Dad did you check on the little raccoon this morning? Yes Calvin. Im afraid he died. Waahhhh!! Im sorry too kiddo. But he didnt have much of a chance. Wahhhaahh! At least he died warm and safe Calvin. We did all could but now hes gone. Sniff. I know Im crying because out there hes gone but hes not gone inside me.
15/03/87
Heres a photo I took of you. The picture is kind of fuzzy. Youre kind of fuzzy! Ok make a face! Howth thith? Great! Hold it! Lets see! Lets see! Its developing! I can start to see it! There I am! Look! Look! Ha! Ha! Its great! What a photograph! Hee hee hoo hoo ha ha! Ha ha hee hee ho ho ho! Lets take some more! Thats it. Bug your eyes you! Hee hee! Hurry up! All these pictures are of Hobbes?! Arent they a scream? Can I have ten bucks for another roll of film?
16/03/87
This is where Dad buried the little raccoon. I didnt even know he existed a few days ago and now hes gone forever. Its like I found him for no reason. I had to say good-bye as soon as I said hello. Still ... in a sad awful terrible way Im happy I met him. Sniff. What a stupid world.
17/03/87
You know Hobbes I cant figure out this death stuff. Why did that little raccoon have to die? He didnt do anything wrong. He was just little! Whats the point of putting him here and taking him back so soon?!? Its either mean or its arbitrary and either way Ive got the heebie-jeebies. Why is it always night when we talk about these things?
18/03/87
Mom says death is as natural as birth and its all part of the life cycle. She says we dont really understand it but there are many things we dont understand and we just have to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. I guess that makes sense. But dont you go anywhere. Dont worry.
19/03/87
Hey! What happened to the trees here? Who cleared out the woods? There used to be lots of animals in these woods! Now its a mud pit! This sign says Future site of Shady Acres condominiums. Animals cant afford condos! Shady Acres? The only shade I see is from that bulldozer.
20/03/87
Where are all the animals supposed to live now that they cut down these woods to put in houses?? By golly how would people like it if animals bulldozed a suburb and put in new trees?!? No good they didnt leave the keys.
21/03/87
It took hundreds of years for these woods to grow and they leveled it in a week. Its gone. After they build new houses here theyll have to widen the roads and put up gas stations and pretty soon this whole area will just be a big strip. Eventually there wont be a nice spot left anywhere. I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world. I think if youre born its too late.
22/03/87
Kablooie! Ooooh youve twicked me for the wast time wabbit! Ha ha ha! Boy I wish I had some dynamite! Boy I love weekends! What better way to spend ones freedom than eathing chocolate cereal and watching cartoons! Mm ... I beg to differ on the cereal part. Calvin youve been sitting in front of the stupid TV all morning! Its a beautiful day! You should be outside! Its going to be a grim day when the world is run by a generation that doesnt know anything but what its seen on TV! Hey! How can you sit inside all day? Go on! Out! Out! Kids are supposed to run around in the fresh air! Have some fun! Get some exercise! Slam! Well I guess thats that. Come on. Hi Susie are you watching TV? Can we come in? sure hurry up! Its a commercial.
23/03/87
Hobbes want to see my transmogrifier? I didnt know you had a transmogrifier. I just got it. You step into this chamber set the appropriate dials and it turns you into whatever youd like to be. Its amazing what they do with corrugated cardboard these days. Isnt it?
24/03/87
This transmogrifier will turn you into anything at all. All you do is set this indicator and the machine automatically restructures your chemical configuration. You can be an eel a baboon a giant bug or a dinosaur. What if you want to be something else? I left some room just write it on the side.
25/03/87
Well what do you say? Would you like to be transmogrified? I dont think so. Being a tiger is my area of expertise. Dont be scared. The process is instantaneous and completely painless. Just think! With the push of a button you could be a 500-story gastropod - a slug the size of the Chrysler building. Gosh how can I refuse? Well if you dont like that be something else! I dont care!
26/03/87
Look if you cant make up your mind Ill go first and turn myself into something. Ill show you. But whats the point of turning yourself into something else? No ones done it! Think of the knowledge to be gained. What horrors we visit upon ourselves in the name of science. Ok Im in. set the dial on lungfish ... no make it musk ox ... no ...
27/03/87
What are you going to transmogrify into? How about a tiger? Thats a good idea. The world can always use another tiger. Just turn the arrow and push the button then. All right here you go. Zap! Did it work? Boy Im hot. How do you stand having all this fur?
28/03/87
So youre a tiger now? Yep let me out. Words fail me. Im disappointed too but keep in mind transmogrification is a new technology.
29/03/87
Thanks for the lunch Mom! Im going outside. Refueled the 727 taxis onto the runway. Control tower to Calvin you are cleared for take off. Roger. Full throttle! Fwoooshh! Take off! Landing gear up! Chugunk! We have reached our crossing altitude of 30000 feet. A small tasteless snack will be served shortly. This is your captain speaking Im afraid our arrival will be slightly delayed. Were stacked up over Washington and well be in a holding pattern for another 40 minutes. Tower to Calvin you are now cleared for landing. Roger. Landing gear down! Reverse thrust! I saw you outside running in circles for almost an hour! Are you trying to make yourself sick?!? Oog from now on Im playing bus.
30/03/87
So Calvin whats it like to be a tiger now? Kinda fuzzy but not that different. So! What do you want to talk about? Do we eat soon?
31/03/87
Hi Mom! Will you make Hobbes and me a big tuna sandwich? I thought you hated tuna fish. Not anymore. Im a tiger now. I thought Hobbes was your tiger. Now Im one too. I transmogrified. Oh I see. My shes taking this well but the strain will surely crack her soon.
01/04/87
Im home! Hi Dad. Notice anything different about me? Uh ... new haircut? Geez did you go blind?? Im a tiger! Oh I thought you meant besides that. Calvin your Dads very tired and ... Hope you want tuna for dinner dear.
02/04/87
Well Hobbes its been fun but I dont think I was meant to be a tiger. Just set the dial to Calvin and Ill transmogrify back to a boy. Here you go. Zap! Oops! Try again lunkhead.
03/04/87
Here I am back being Calvin. Your machine works amazingly well. Its my own design. What will you do with it now? Good question. ... although I suppose we could turn Susie into a bowl of chowder if we could just get her into the machine. Leave me out of your lifes plans. You little weirdo.
04/04/87
Calvin eats one bite too many! He begins to swell! Inflating like a raft. He grows bigger and bigger! Oh no! how much larger can he get? Ooooh I think Im going to explode. No wonder! Ive never seen anyone eat so much in one sitting! I hope you learned your lesson.
05/04/87
Look Jane. See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot run. Jane sees Spot run. Way to go Jane! Boy I hate homework. Yahh! Whoop! Hey! Yow! Whoa! Stop! Aaaughh!! Gaackk! Help! Help! Whap!! Bonk! Bonk! What on earth are you doing? Wheres your homework? I couldnt concentrate.
06/04/87
Rrinnggg! Recess is over! Rrripp! Oh no! why is it you always rip your pants on the day everyone has to demonstrate a math problem at the chalkboard?
07/04/87
I cant believe I ripped my pants! Recess is over. Im supposed to be back in class! I cant go in like this! What am I going to do?? ... of all the days to wear the underpants with little rocket ships.
08/04/87
Look at the size of this rip! Maybe I can pull my shirt down over it. No that doesnt work. Maybe I can tuck my shirt in the hole. ... nope ... maybe I can stick the ripped part under my belt. No that doesnt work either. Maybe I can scoot around on my rear the rest of the day.
09/04/87
Please dont let the teacher call on me! Dont make me go to the board in my ripped pants! Anyone but me! Just let her call on someone else! Please dont embarrass me in front of the whole class! Calvin would you do the next problem at the board? So much for my ever joining the clergy.
10/04/87
Calvin will you do the next problem at the board please? No. why not? Frankly Id rather not say. Oh you wouldnt. Its a personal matter. Youre going to have to do better than that. Do the words complete pandemonium strike terror in your heart?
11/04/87
So your teacher didnt know youd ripped your pants and she made you do a problem at the chalkboard? That sums it up. How awful! What did you do?? I didnt have a choice. I mooned the whole class. Thats why youre home early? Three teachers and the principal couldnt restore order.
12/04/87
During emergency landing replace dinner tray and bring seat to upright position. Extinguish all smoking materials. Including spacecraft if possible. Out of fuel the courageous Spaceman Spiff is forced to land on the distant planet Zok! The valiant explorer surveys the Zokkian landscape who knows what dangers lie hidden in the cratered terrain? Undaunted Spiff sets out to find help! Miles later it is evident the planet is completely uninhabited! Our hero is marooned on a lifeless planet! Alone on an alien world. Alone ... all alone ... Darn it why doesnt anyone ever tell me when the lunch bell rings?
13/04/87
Susie wheres Miss Wormwood? Whos that lady at her desk? Miss Wormwoods sick. Thats our substitute teacher. A substitute? Lets see your teaching certificate lady!
14/04/87
Good morning class. Ill be your substitute teacher today. Miss Wormwood left me instructions as to what we need to go over so we shouldnt have any problems. Oh wait heres a note she added. Just a second. Ok which one of you is Calvin? Not me!
15/04/87
We had a substitute teacher in school today. Did you like her? she was ok I guess. You guess? Its hard to say. She went home at noon.
16/04/87
Mr. Jones lives 50 miles away from you. You both leave home at 5:00 and drive toward each other. Mr. Jones travels at 35 mph and you drive at 40 mph. At what time will you pass Mr. Jones on the road? Given the traffic around here at 5:00 who knows? I always catch these trick questions.
17/04/87
Ive got a scheme to get us some money. Oh boy. See? I sneaked all these kernels of corn off my dinner plate tonight. How is that going to get us money? Easy. I just stick them under my pillow. With any luck the tooth fairy wont know theyre fakes until its too late!
18/04/87
Dad how do people make babies? Most people just go to Sears buy the kit and follow the assembly instructions. I came from Sears?? No you were a blue light special at Kmart almost as good and a lot cheaper. Aauughhh! Dear what are you telling Calvin now?!
19/04/87
How come you dont put on any pajamas? Fact is I never take them off! Did you ash your face and brush your teeth? Yep! We both did! Ok then good night. Good night. Move over will ya? Im already over! You should be over there! Quit pushing fuzz-for-brains! Youre on my side! Call me names will you?! Yeah! Whumpp! Yaaaaa! Oh no! Ok! Ok! You win! Phoo ... I wish you had brushed your teeth! Yecch ... I wish you had washed your face!
20/04/87
Ive got to give a 5-minute oral report in school on Thursday. Were supposed to research our subject write it up and present it to the class with a visual aid. Thats a big assignment. Ill say. I hate my teacher. She knows well all do it on the last evening but she gave us three days to worry about it.
21/04/87
Whats the subject of your report? The brain. What do you know about brains? Well I saw this movie where they kept this guys brain alive in a tank of water. Then a power surge mutated the brain and it crawled out and terrorized the populace. Thats informative. Unfortunately for my report Mom caught me and I didnt get to see how it ended.
22/04/87
Ive got to give my report on The Brain at school today. See my visual aid? I cooked some noodles and put them in a paper bag. Doesnt that look like brains? Well I guess Im all set. Did you write your report yet? Nah. I borrowed Moms pocket dictionary. Ill do it on the bus.
23/04/87
My five-minute report on The Brain. Of course its difficult to explain the complexities of the brain in just five minutes but to begin the brain is part of the central nervous system. Ill pause for a few moments so you can all finish writing that down. Calvin!
24/04/87
Pow! Jab! Kick! Pow! Pow! Rattatattattatta rattatattatta eeeeeeeeeee boom! Please please pretty please? No. you shouldve save some of your own Halloween candy.
25/04/87
Hey can we change the channel now? I want to watch something else. My shows not over yet. Aw cmon! you see this program all the time! Cant we watch my show for once? No I was here first. Pipe down this is a good part. I hate national geographic animal specials.
26/04/87
Good night Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I cant! Im trapped in slow motion! Well youd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
27/04/87
Point A is twice as far from point C as point B is from A. if the distance from point B to point C is 5 inches how far is point A from point C? The living dead dont need to solve word problems.
28/04/87
Calvin the zombie searches for food. Horribly the undead feed upon the living! ... although in a pinch a pbj will do I fyou eat it messily enough.
29/04/87
When in Rome ...
30/04/87
Gkpthh! Heh heh ... thpkk! Hee hee. Hee hee ha ha ha ho ho hee hee hoo hoo ha ha ho heh heh ... of course. Real zombies never get the giggles by looking at each other.
01/05/87
Oh no! Too much bubble bath! Uh oh! Pop! How on earth do you do this?!? These things seem to happen.
02/05/87
Aauughhhhh
03/05/87
Gosh its perfect kite flying weather! But why let the stupid kite have all the fun? Youve got your tail on? Yep just let out some string and start running. Thats it! Faster! Faster! Im flying! Im fl-ooof! Ow! Ack! Ooh! Are you ok? Boy you were almost up there. I know! (ow) We just need a little more wind. Ok heres another breeze! Let er rip! Oomph! Yow! Maybe youre too heavy. Gee I hadnt thought of that. Hmm ... how can I get lighter? Mrs. Carroll says a naked kid tied to a stuffed animal is running through her yard. You handle it I got the little nudist out of her bird bath remember?
04/05/87
Were supposed to have this whole stupid book read by tomorrow. Flip-ip-ip-ip-ip-ip! There! Its good to get that out of the way! Reading goes faster if you dont sweat comprehension. Wheres the Frisbee?
05/05/87
Ahoy! Toss the rope ladder down! Whats the password? Tigers are mean! Tigers are fierce! Tigers have teeth and claws that pierce! Tigers are great! They cant be beat! If I was a tiger that would be neat! He can climb the tree without the ladder so he got to make up the password. Go on whats the third verse?
06/05/87
Mom when are you going shopping next? I dont know why? We seem to be out of gun powder. Sheesh I didnt even do it yet.
07/05/87
Now! Are you sure theres a career to be made as a human discus? Well we gotta get a bigger field.
08/05/87
I tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud it was hilarious. Aaugh! Ploop! I dunno. That kind of humor is so broad. You didnt do it right. Cmere and give me a hand.
09/05/87
Whats this? It looks gross. Its a vegetarian meal. Its good for you. Vegetarian?? Yecchh! Im not a vegetarian! Im a dessertarian.
10/05/87
Ever notice how different the air smells after a good rain? It smells like ... like ... dead worms! Wow! Look at the size of that puddle! Wahoooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Sploosh splash sploosh splash! Hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha! Rats my underwears all soaked. Now its gonna itch and ride up my rear all afternoon. Well it was worth it! Thats why I never wear the stuff.
11/05/87
I cant get this stupid hair to comb right. See how it sticks out in back? Maybe you need a haircut. Yeah but barbers never cut it the way I want. Boy what a great idea! Thanks! This is easy! You really think your Mom will pay me eight bucks?
12/05/87
So exactly how would you like the back cut? Just trim the part that sticks out and taper it a little. Wouldnt you rather have it real short? No just cut a little bit. Are you sure? Dont you think it should be real short? It looks like it should be real short. Are you trying to tell me something? No I just think it should be real short. Especially oh right here.
13/05/87
You made a mistake didnt you? No I can cover it up. Cover what up? What did you do wrong? Nothing I cant help it if your head has a funny bumps that make the scissors go screwy. Your heads gonna have funny bumps in a minute if you dont tell me what you did!! Oops. Hold still. Whyd you say oops?! whatd you do now?! Nothing. Lets try parting your hair from ear to ear.
14/05/87
This haircut had better look good fuzz brain. Youll love it. Its kind of new wave. New wave? Like how? Well sort of punk actually. Like a mohawk? In some places its sort of like a mohawk. I want a mirror. You know whats the rage this year? ... hats.
15/05/87
Look what you did to my hair! It looks like it was cut with a weed-eater! Nothing a little tonic and combing cant fix. Get away from me you menace! If Mom sees this shell blow her blood vessels! What am I going to do?? Hows that? Sort of the Lawrence of Arabia look! Sort of the Lobotomy Patient look.
16/05/87
My cigarette smoke mixed with the smoke of my .38. If business was as good as my aim Id be on easy street. Instead Ive got an office on 49th street and a nasty relationship with a string of collection agents. Yeah thats me. Tracer Bullet. Ive got eight slugs in me. Ones lead and the rest are bourbon. The drink packs a wallop and I pack a revolver. Im a private eye. Suddenly my door swung open and in walked trouble. Brunette as usual. Take your hat off at the dinner table Calvin. Its not polite. She was a pushy dame. But she had a case.
17/05/87
This is supposed to be great art. ... so why does it look like a bunch of decapitated naked people? A strange feeling comes over Calvin in the art museum. His parents engrossed in culture remain blissfully unaware of Calvins terrible transformation! Yes a tyrannosaurus is loose in the art museum! The curator shrieks and pandemonium ensues! A guard reaches for his pistol but the dinosaur is upon him and he is messily devoured! The giant lizards glory is captured forever on film by the anti-theft cameras! Patrons of the arts flee for their lives! Hundreds of priceless paintings are ripped to shreds in the awful rampage! Wealthy benefactors are trampled! The museum is in ruins! On to symphony hall!! Calvin? Calvin? Were in the next room now. Cmon. I think wed better get him out o fhere. He had that grin again. I wanna see dinosaurs at the natural history museum again. We spent all afternoon there Calvin.
18/05/87
Take your hat off at the dinner table Calvin. Here comes the hurricane. You cut your hair!! No I didnt Hobbes did. Why on earth did you cut your own hair?! Look at you! I said Hobbes cut it! You think Id do this?? Well I didnt!
19/05/87
Some barber you are! Mom says theres nothing I can do but wait for my hair to grow back. In the meantime Ive got to go around looking like Ive got mange! I hope youre happy. Happy?! You stiffed me! Wheres my eight bucks?!
20/05/87
Look Im sorry I gave you a bad haircut. I didnt mean to. A fat lot of good that does me. I can make it up to you. Honest. Yeah? How? I bought a yellow magic marker. See Ill just draw some hair on there its looking better already. Really? Is it?
21/05/87
Well your hair doesnt stick up the way it used to but at least your heads yellow again. Thanks Hobbes. youre a real life saver. Im sorry I got so mad at you. Nonsense. No harm done. Boy wait till I show Mom! Uh oh. Does it come off? From now on just keep your brainy ideas to yourself ok?
22/05/87
Calvin. Calvin the Genius. Calvin the Super Genius. This is how you sign your reports? It kind of inclines you to read it more charitably dont you think?
23/05/87
Clink. Clink. My iced tea is a failure.
24/05/87
Whew! This must be the biggest hill in the state! Kind of frustrating isnt it? I wish Dad would get transferred to the Andes. Lets go down the hill and see if we can travel into the future. Go into the future? How? Its easy! All we have to do is get going real fast and well time-warp! Ha ha! Faster! Faster! Gosh what do you suppose the future will be like? Who knows? Flying cars and cities built built on clouds maybe! Just think of all the weird things we can tell people we saw! Oh boy! Hey were at the bottom of the hill. I didnt feel any time warp did you? Nope. But look! Its two minutes later than when we started! Were in the future!! Hmm ... things havent improved. Im disappointed.
25/05/87
Goodness youre filthy. Into the tub with you. I obey the letter of the law if not the spirit. Lets hear some water running! Nuts.
26/05/87
Im home! Yaaaaa! Aaaugh! Yowp! Arrgh! Yip! (pant pant) Why do you always do that?! Natural exuberance is one of those qualities that makes us tigers so darn endearing!
27/05/87
Im home! Yaaa ... huh?? Uh oh! Ha ha! Fooled you!! Elapsed turnaround time point eight seconds. Ha! Stupid tiger.
28/05/87
Im home! Hello? Hobbes?? six ... five ... four ...
29/05/87
Im home. Im home. Im home! Wellll? So youre home.
30/05/87
Calvin steps up to the plate and the outfield heads for the bleachers. Its sure to be another homer folks. Heres the pitch! Bonk! Not surprisingly the pitcher decides to walk Calvin.
31/05/87
Before beginning any home plumbing repair make sure you possess the proper tools for the job. Check the following list of handy explitives and see that you know how to use them. Calvin wakes up one morning to find he no longer exists in the third dimension! He is in 2-D! Thinner than a sheet of paper Calvin has no surface area on the bottom of his feet! He is immobile! Only by waving his body can Calvin create enough friction with the ground to move! Having width but no thickness Calvin is vulnerable to the slightest gust of wind! To avoid drafts he twists himself into a tube and rolls across the floor! Someone is coming! Calvin quickly stands up straight. Turning perfectly sideways he is nearly invisible vertical line! No one will notice! Hey Dad know why you didnt see me all morning?? I was two-dimensional! Hmmm Ill bet you cant do it all afternoon too ... dear!
01/06/87
I couldnt read it because my parents forgot to pay the gravity bill.
02/06/87
Make a prediction Hobbes. what for? So we can see if you have ESP. Ok I predict youll find an irresistible attraction to a mud hole. Ha ha. You stay away from me. Its going to come true! I can feel it!
03/06/87
Hey Dad how does a carburetor work? I cant tell you. Why not? Its a secret. No it isnt! you just dont know!
04/06/87
This is a job for ... aackk! Waaughhh!! For? ... someone else.
05/06/87
Time for bed Calvin. Its a free country. I can do what I want. Good night. Communists!
06/06/87
Oh no I have to go to the bathroom! The monsters will get me as soon as I set foot on the floor! I know! Put your pillow down as a decoy. While theyre eating that you can slip out! Great idea! Im coming out of bed now! Im coming out of bed now! Here I am all fat and squishy! They took it! Man look at those feathers fly! Youd better hurry! No Ive decided to stay here and wet the bed. But its ok with me if you dont want to stay.
07/06/87
Croquet is a gentlemans game. Thats hard to believe. Ive played before and I can tell you the temptation to misuse these things is awful. Hey dont put the wickets so far apart. This is the way theyre supposed to be. No it isnt you big cheater. Youre doing this because you can hit the ball harder than I can. Cheater?? Who took the lucky red ball when I wasnt looking? I got to pick first because you did last time! Thats a lie! You always take the lucky red ball first! Call me a liar. Will you? Well youre just a poop head! So there! Thbpbpthpt! Potty mouth! Potty mouth! Calvin is a potty mouth! Youre asking for a toothless mouth buster! Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldnt knock the teeth out of a mosquito! Ha! Mosquitos dont even have teeth. That shows how dumb you are! Compared to you Im Einstein! Leggo my leg! Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose you walking flea condo! Id say it takes one to know one bozo! Why dont you go play in the food processor! Its getting dark Calvin. Cmon inside! Aw Mom were right in the middle of a croquet game!
08/06/87
Bombarded by high-energy photons Calvin is transformed into a living x-ray. Although this condition will facilitate future medical diagnoses it does make Calvins presence at the dinner table a disgusting ordeal! Everyone can see Calvins food being ground input mushy pulp and swallowed! At this moment Calvin chews up a large spoonful of creamed corn! For gosh sakes close your mouth when you chew!! You think we want to see that?! Mkghh! Smack! Blaghkh!
09/06/87
Heres a little town. Heres a steam shovel scooping out a giant hole. Here comes the bulldozer pushing thousands of barrels of toxic nuclear waste into the giant hole. Over the years these dangerous poisons seep into underground waterways. The cancer rate of the nearby little town triples. If you want me Ill be under the bed.
10/06/87
A strike?? That pitch was four feet above my head! Ha! It was a perfect pitch! Youre just too short! Yeah? Well youre just too stupid! Kick kick kick. Well youre just too ugly. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kicking dust is the only part of this game we really like.
11/06/87
Want to know a funny trick? When somebody isnt looking you tie his shoes together! Ha ha! Thats great! Lets go find some sucker to pull it on! Yeah! Clunk! Well. Well! Woo hoo hoo hoo.
12/06/87
Im hungry. Can I have a snack? Sure. Help yourself. You can have an apple or an orange from the fridge. Even through were both talking english were not speaking the same language.
13/06/87
Boy I love summer vacation. I can feel my brain beginning to atrophy already. Shhh ...
14/06/87
Im going outside Mom! Hold all my calls. Calvin looks around something is different. The odd-colored tree behind him slowly lifts up! Its not a tree at all! Its a let! Oh no! Calvin is the size of a bug to a bug he runs for his life! A claw crashes with deafening impact! The bug is trying to step on Calvin! What a horrible fate! Calvin scrambles madly promising himself that hell never squish another bug if he lives to return to normal size! Suddenly in a spray of slime the bug is gone! A monstrous frog licks its chops! Calvin is saved! Aacck! Whats that on my plate?! Good heavens get it off the table!! But Mom frogs are our friends!
15/06/87
Look Hobbes I got a magic carpet! Whats so magic about it? Magic carpets fly! You can ride them! Isnt this the rug from the hallway? Up rug! Up! Up! Hey look! It works! Ok rug warp factor five! Is this legal? Do you have your registration and proof of insurance?
16/06/87
Wow! Ive never been on a magic carpet before. Hmm ... me either. Ok rug lets cruise at 10000 feet! Wheeeee! Gosh this sure beats having Mom drive us around! Lets go to the mall and hang out! Do we get complimentary bags of nuts on our flight?
17/06/87
Hey lets fly into the city and buzz Dads office! Ha! Wont be be surprised when he sees us out his 20th floor window! What if hes mad that we took the hallway rug? Whats to get mad about? We wiped our feet first. Yeah but all this city mileage may hurt the resale value.
18/06/87
Ok I think thats Dads building up ahead. Im not sure where his office is so well just have to look in the windows as we zip by. Hey! There he is! Theres Dad! Hi Dad! Dad look! Out the window! Darn it! Hes still reading that brief. Look out the window Dad! Did you bring any rocks? I didnt think to.
19/06/87
Hey Dad! Look out the window! I cant believe hes just sitting in there. Why doesnt he look up? I guess hes pretty busy. Yeah but we cant sit up here all day! Sheesh. Lets go. If he had noticed us we couldve given him a ride home. Hmph. I say let him take the smelly ol bus if he cant even look out the window once in a while serves him right.
20/06/87
Im home! Dad! Hobbes and I flew by your office window today on a rug! We saw you working. We waved and hollered but you didnt even look up. We couldnt believe it. You missed the whole thing! I thought we were cutting down his sugar intake.
21/06/87
Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy. Wait! Wait! Ive got to savor this moment! The brilliance of it all! Im a genius! A sheer genius! Susies playing on the sidewalk! Nows my chance to use the snowball Ive been saving in the freezer! Shell never expect a snowball in June! Boy will she be mad! Ha ha ha! This is going to be great! Here it comes! Oh boy! Oh boy! Hey Susie!! Piff. I missed! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! Of all the miserable luck! Aaarrghh! There mustve been a cross breeze! I cant believe it! I save that snowball for three whole months! I ... scoop scoop. I ... I ... uh ... pow! The irony o fthis is just sickening.
22/06/87
1988 isnt too far away Dad. If your thinking of running for Dad again youd better get your campaign in gear. Frankly the pools look grim. I dont think youve got much of a shot at keeping the office. I take comfort in the fact that not many people want it. Flippant remarks have a way of haunting candidates you know.
23/06/87
The chameleon sits motionless. Amazingly the lizard changes color to blend in with his surroundings. Moments later he is virtually invisible. I see you hiding back there! Now come clean up this mess you made in the kitchen!
24/06/87
Hold still. Theres a monster horsefly on your head. Pow! Can you believe it? I missed! So excuse me for trying to help! you wanna scratch a stinging welt all day? Fine! Go away! No wait theres a mosquito on you.
25/06/87
I wanna horsey ride! Im busy Calvin. You know Dad it wont be long before Im all grown up. One day youll wake up and wonder how all the years slipped by. Youll look back and say Where has the time gone? Calvins so big. Its hard to remember when he was small enough that I could give him horsey rides. ... but those days will be lost forever. I think Ive worked through my potential guilt now. No no! Jump the fence!
26/06/87
I read that girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice ... whereas boys are made of snips and snails and puppy dogs tails. Hmph. So what are tigers made of? Dragonflies and katykids but mostly chewed-up little kids. Oh thats clever.
27/06/87
Do you have any money? Nope. Hmm ... how can we get some? Who do we know that we could sue?
28/06/87
Whats wrong with you fish? Why wont you eat this big fat juicy worm? Besides the obvious I mean. Boy I hate fishing this is so boring! Look I can see a whole bunch of fish down there but theyre not biting! Lousy fish! By golly Im not going to sit here all day waiting for them to get hungry! Here help me carry this rock. Well dump it in the water and blast the fish out. Then we can just pick them up. Heave! Kabloosh! Ok it was a bad idea! But I got wet too right? No no your idea was fine! We just didnt throw in a big enough object.
29/06/87
... so could I Mom? Please? Pleeeaase? I still dont think giving her Bambi eyes is going to get you a flame thrower. Maybe I should sniffle a little too huh?
30/06/87
What a perfect day! If something doesnt happen here soon Im gonna wack out.
01/07/87
Look a firefly! Your rear hasnt lit if thats what youre wondering. I cant even tell what muscle to flex.
02/07/87
Hey Hobbes want to see an antelope? An antelope?! Cmon! See shes coming down the ladder to her boyfriends car! Youre not laughing. Its not funny.
03/07/87
Tomorrow is independence day. The Declaration of Independence says everyone is created equal and is entitled to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Oh. So when does Paul Revere ride through town and give us our presents.
04/07/87
Bang! Kapwinngg! Up up and awaaayy!
05/07/87
The dreaded scum beings fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! It never fails. I just washed and waxed this thing. Our hero the intrepid Spaceman Spiff struggles with the controls of his damaged spacecraft! The freem propulsion blasters are useless! Spiff crashes onto the surface of an alien planet! Unscathed the fearless space explorer emerges from the smoldering wreckage! He is marooned on a hostile world! Scorched by twin suns the planet is nothing but barren rock and methane! Theres no hope of finding food or water. Spiff collapses! Oh no. a hideous alien spots him! In his weakened state Spiff is no match for the monster! This could be the end!! Lunchtime! I brought you a sandwich and some lemonade. Bring the dishes back when youre done ok? ... oh well. Thanks Mom.
06/07/87
Z. Z. Z. Tag! The games over tuna brain.
07/07/87
Somebody told me rotten eggs smell bad. They smell terrible. Put em back Calvin.
08/07/87
I want 8 cookies to go please. This is not a drive-thru! Put that back in the garage!
09/07/87
Quick Mom! Aliens just landed in the back yard! They demand to talk to you! You go on out! Ill guard the cookies in the kitchen! Quick! Hurry! Shes not buying this. Calvin just how dumb do you think I am?
10/07/87
What do you think is the secret to happiness? Is it money power or fame? Id choose money. If you have enough money you can buy power and fame that way youd have it all and be really happy! Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. I suppose thats one way to define it. The part I think Id like best is crushing people who get in my way.
11/07/87
Look! Somebody poured new cement! Is anyone looking? We could write our initials in it or make a hand print or something! Yeah! Or something! I think wed better find a hose quick! I didnt think it would set up so fast.
12/07/87
Psst. Hey kid cmere under the bed. Ive got a brand new toy for you. Uh oh. I think I saw a tentacle under the bed! Monsters! Turn on the lights! That makes monsters shrivel up. Good idea. Click! Aarrghhh! Aieeee. Aahhhhhh!! Gackk! Ha ha. We got em! Just the ones under the bed wed better open up the drawers and closet too and get some light in those places! By golly no monsters going to get us tonight! Wither and die bloodsucking freaks of nature!! Why is your light on? What in the world are you doing?!? Monsters Dad. They could be anywhere. Youre trashing your room at 1:00 in the morning looking for monsters?! If you dont get in bed this instant youll have lot more to worry about than stupid monsters!! What we need is some way to shrivel him up.
13/07/87
Hey Calvin whatcha doin? Quiet down or youll give away my position. Hobbes and I are having a water fight. A water fight! Can I play? You? Ha! War is a manly art! I suppose anything so idiotic would have to be. Can I play in your game or not? I dont know it seems youd rather be making smart remarks.
14/07/87
Cmon cant I join your water fight? I have my own water pistol and everything! Itll just take me a minute to get it. Ok you can play but Hobbes is on my team. You have to fight both of us. Great! I can beat you and your stuffed tiger any day. Ill go put on my swimsuit. Susies going to play with us ok? Oh boy. Girls flip for guys in jams.
15/07/87
I got my water pistol! Im all set! Good. Now Hobbes and I will be one team and you ... Look at your toy tiger! Hes wearing jams!! Thats so cute! Let me squeeze him! Oh for petes sake knock it iff! You go around the house and count to fifty and then we begin all right? You and your dumb jams. This is war remember?! Youre just jealous. ... ooh what a babe!
16/07/87
Listen up yogurt brain. Heres our strategy: Ill go around the house this way and you go around the other way. Ill draw Susies fire and you can let her have it from behind with your water balloon! Got it? Ok lets go! Thanks for the water balloon Hobbes youre a great double agent!
17/07/87
Ha ha! Ambush!! Have a drink Susie! Whoa! Whoop! Youve got Hobbes water balloon! Where did? How? Uh oh. Bloosh! I promise you youll hang for this traitor! Im easily wiled by a woman in a swimsuit.
18/07/87
My best friend betrays me! Susie drenched me with my own teammates water balloon! Some buddy you are you Benedict Arnold! Hmph Id do it again in a minute. Susie likes my jams. Dont even talk to me! You and I are through! Ha! Promises promises! Um ... I take it the game is over. Get this traitor off me. He cheats when he fights too.
19/07/87
Can you believe this? Some idiot tossed garbage here in this beautiful spot. Ill bet future civilizations find out more about us than wed like them to know. Look another can thrown on the ground! Boy this makes me mad! By golly if people arent burying toxic wastes or testing nuclear weapons theyre throwing trash everywhere! Youd think planets like this were a dime a dozen! Now Ive got to carry this gross thing. You know there are times when its a source of personal pride to not be human. Im with you.
20/07/87
Arent these long summer days great? No responsibilities at all! We have the whole day to ourselves. Dont you wish it could be like this all year forever? No school. No job no anything? Yeah. Just gloat about it why dont you!!
21/07/87
Hey Dad what are clouds made of? Hmm ... I used to know that. I think theyre mostly water. So how come they float? Well its sort of evaporated water maybe there are some other gases too. Im not sure. So why are they white when the rest of the sky is blue? Heck beats me. I guess we ought to look this stuff up. I take it theres no qualifying exam to be a Dad.
22/07/87
One of the best things about summer is going to sleep with the fan on. The gentle breeze blowing droning hum everything seems safe and serene when the fan is on. Its cool and lulling and perfect for sleep. It almost lets one forget he has a heavy fur coat for a bunkmate. If you dont like it theres plenty of room on the floor buster.
23/07/87
Hey Mom whats this I hear about the greenhouse effect? They say the pollutants we dump in the air are trapping in the suns heat and its going to melt the polar ice caps! Sure youll be gone when it happens but I wont! nice planet youre leaving me! This from the kid who wants to be chauffeured any place more than a block away. Hey nobody told me about the ice caps all right?
24/07/87
More bad news on your polls Dad. Were looking at an all-time low in popularity here. Well Calvin. Thats certainly food for thought. Now heres something you can think about. The average cost of raising a kid to age 18 is $100000. Thats a lot of money. So the question you should be asking yourself is Is that hundred grand a gift or a loan? Gotcha Dad. I was just on my way to bed.
25/07/87
Ring ring. Hello? May I speak with your father please? Hec you dont need my permission! Be my guest! What a weirdo. Ring ring.
26/07/87
Thats it you climb up and then help me up! Tigers are natural-born tree climbers. Of course we usually have grappling hooks ropes and utility belts. Hey heres a great tree for climbing! Let me get on your shoulders so I can reach the first branch ok? Geez how many bricks do you have in your pockets?! Whoa! Hold steady you weakling. Ive almost got it! Move up move up! Hurry and grab it before my spine telescopes. Got it! Hey dont let go! Hold me up! Forget it! You can support your own weight bowling ball butt. Mmph! Mmph! I cant get up! Give me a boost! Hey! What are you doing?! Dont take off my shoes! Are you nuts? Hey stop! Aack! Oh no! dont tickle! Pbth! Eek! Hee hee ha ha! Stop it! I cant hold on! Hee hee hoo hoo! Aaugh! Nice landing. Im probably paralyzed. All except your mouth obviously. Im not sorry at all. Give me back my shoes. No.
27/07/87
I cant believe how dull my life is. Its so boring here. Nothing ever changes around here. Nothing ever happens. It seems as if (hang on) everybody but me gets to have an exciting life. Actually Id like less excitement in my life. Why? Are you doing fun things when Im not around?? Huh? Are you?!
28/07/87
Whats wrong Calvin? Why are you still in bed? I dont feel good. Your forehead seems warm. Wed better take your temperature. I cant be sick now! Its still summer vacation! Theres no school to stay home from! This is my time! Somebody owes me big for this!!
29/07/87
Hi there Calvin. I understand youre not feeling well. Me? Im fine! I just sit around torture chambers in my underwear for kicks. Lets see your degree you quack! Im not going to hurt you. Im just going to examine you to see whats wrong. Ill tell you whats wrong! Ive got Dr. Frankenstein for a pediatrician thats whats wrong! Nurse call the anesthesiologist in here will you please? My Dads a lawyer Ill have you know! Dont come near me!
30/07/87
Deep in a dank dungeon on the dismal planet Zog the fearless Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner by the sinister Zog king. A guard leads Spiff to the interrogation room. Our hero is stoic and defiant! At last I meet the famed Spaceman Spiff! I trust you are ... heh ... heh ... enjoying your visit? Youre wasting your time maggot from mars! Ill never give in! Never you hear me?! Never! Kid dont make me recant the Hippocratic oath ok?
31/07/87
Well you certainly were a terror in the doctors office. I fended him off with his own tongue depressor. Thats why I didnt get a shot. You didnt need a shot. Your behavior was inexcusable. All that counts is that he couldnt get near enough to stick me. He thinks Im a little pink pin cushion in underpants. Someday I hope you have a kid that puts you through what Ive gone through. Yeah Grandma says thats what she used to tell you.
01/08/87
Here is a proud city. Full of happy prosperous citizens. They go on about their business unaware that the moon mysteriously moved a few miles closer to the earth. Unaware that is until the tide comes in. Sploosh! Gisshhh!
02/08/87
The fires not lighting huh? Can I make a suggestion? Give up on that sissy lighter fluid. Cant we cook the hamburgers yet? The coals arent hot enough. But Im hungry I want to eat now! Well youll just have to wait. You know Calvin sometimes the anticipation of something is more fun than the thing itself once you get it. Here we are its a beautiful evening. Its nice to just sit here and look at the trees while we wait for the coals to get hot dont you think? Dinner will be over soon and afterward well be distracted with other things to do. But now we have a few minutes to ourselves to enjoy the evening. These summer days go by so quickly. Its good that every now and then we have to wait for something. So should I go to McDonalds then or what? Yeah I know you think you are going to be six all of your life.
03/08/87
(NO TEXT) - cowboy and indian
04/08/87
What a perfect day! Isnt it great to be on summer vacation? To be able to enjoy all this with no school and no responsibilities? ... ahhhhhhh ... I cant believe theres nothing on TV but repeats.
05/08/87
I think a bee landed on my back! Can you see it? I dont want to move. Thats not a bee. It isnt? Whew. No thats a hornet if I ever saw one! Ow!
06/08/87
If you could have three wishes granted what would they be? Just three wishes huh? Hmm. That would be a tough decision. I guess Id have to think about it a while. Oops! Hang on. Ok. I know what my first wish would be.
07/08/87
One of natures uglier creatures the bat is a misunderstood marvel of evolution. Producing a series of loud high-pitched squeaks the bat can judge an insects distance and elevation by the time delay of the squeaks echo! Changes in the echos pitch reveal the doomed bugs direction! No movement escapes the incredible senses of the bat! Glump! Ta-daa! Eyes closed! Calvin sit up and eat with a fork like a civilized human being.
08/08/87
Yawn. Waauughh! For the last time get out of bed! Were going to be late. Im trying. Im trying.
09/08/87
That run doesnt count! You didnt touch third base! Thats cause third base crawled to the outfield! Wap! Ha ha! Easy out! Hey! Where are you going?! You have to stay on the base line you cheater! Yeah? Prove it! This isnt fair! You cant run anywhere! Just watch me! If we had a first baseman youdve been out a long time ago! But we dont do we? Gotcha! Youre out! Ok Im up to bat again! What fun! Two man baseball is a real sport! A real sport for idiots. Next time Im going to tag you out with the bat instead of the ball.
10/08/87
Hobbes did you hear? Mom and Dad are taking us camping! We get to live in a tent and go fishing and canoeing! Wont that be fun? Well be roughing it! Living off the land! No TV or radio or ... uh-oh. Whats wrong? This sounds suspiciously like one of Dads plots to build my character.
11/08/87
Gosh this is going to be a fun vacation! Camping out! Wow! I cant wait to get there! A whole week hiking and canoeing and swimming and fishing! A whole week without a single newspaper or a decent cup of real coffee. Doesnt Mom like camping? Mom was up a little too late packing.
12/08/87
See that island ahead? Thats where were camping! Oh boy! Ahh this is the life! Fresh air clean water lots of exercise and ... boom! Dear youre back-paddling. Were turning around and finding a hotel!
13/08/87
Whens this rain going to let up? I dont know Calvin. Hey cheer up gang! I packed storm gear. Always be prepared. You know. These ponchos are super. Theyre thermal-sealed lightweight nylon laminated with flexible urethane for complete water protection! Yeah Dad its great that we wont get wetter than we already are. Zinc oxide thongs tanning lotion ... wrong duffel bag. Lets see which one of these was it?
14/08/87
Im glad Dad finally got the tents up. Now I can get out of these soggy clothes. Too bad you cant put on dry clothes. Youd feel a lot better. Hey wait! No! Dont do that here! Ackpth!
15/08/87
Some trooper you are! Whats a little rain? This is what being in the wilderness is all about! Ha ha! At least its not snowing right? Right? I mean say it was snowing so hard we couldnt make a fire. Boy I love cold canned ravioli.
16/08/87
Tum de ta ta dee dee do. Boy this sure beats sitting in an office all day! Is it still raining? Of course its still raining. Its been raining for days. Why should it stop now?! Were going to need a vacation after this vacation. Ill say! We cant even keep a fire going. I cant believe dad went out to catch fish. In this weather? Hes a fanatic! Either that or were al out of packaged food. Well probably starve to death on this god-forsaken rock. After all that spam starving doesnt sound so bad. If we live to get home Im never going to set foot outside again as long as I live. What a lucky kid Calvin is! I never got to do this stuff when I was his age. Hey Calvin! Want to learn how to gut a fish?
17/08/87
Hows the water? Freezing. Im coming out. Hand me my towel. Ok? Wring wring. This is the dumbest vacation Ive ever been on.
18/08/87
It has been very buggy week has it? Youre really reaching Dad.
19/08/87
Were packing up! Yep. Ive had enough what a rotten week! Wap! Do you know what any of Dads words meant? No but I wrote some of them down so we can look em up when we get home.
20/08/87
Well gang Im sorry the weather wasnt any better this week. I know it wasnt always a lot of fun but we lived through it and we got ot spend some time together and thats whats really important. Anyway I hope youre all not too disappointed. Calvin tell your dad any judge would take this trip as grounds for divorce. Dad Mom says ... All right! All right!
21/08/87
Dad can you get my ball out of the gutter again? This is the third time this afternoon! I though I told you to play out back! Relax Dad. Its just a ball in the gutter its not as if Ive been embezzling money or killing people. Right? Arent you glad Im not stealing and murdering? I always have to help dad establish the proper context.
22/08/87
Cmon Hobbes. Let down the rope ladder. Whats the rest of the password? I think five verses extolling tigers is plenty. You know its me! Let me up! No. ooh why you lousy rotten stinking ... If you call me names you have to start over at the beginning. Verse six: Tigers are nimble and light on their toes my respect for tigers continually grows. Youre not doing the dance.
23/08/87
Ah-choo! Whew. No brains. Ah ah ah ah choo!! The force of the nasal explosion sends Calvin reeling through the stratosphere! With less and less air to resist his momentum he breaks the pull of earths gravity and hurls past the moon! As he passes out of the galaxy Calvin reflects on the wisdom of covering ones mouth when sneezing to deflect the propulsion. Alas it is knowledge gained too late for poor Calvin the human satellite! But wait! Another sneeze is brewing! Calvin turns himself around! The second sneeze rockets him back to earth! Hes saved! Its a miracle! Ah choo! God bless you. Oh he does Mom he does.
24/08/87
The end of summer is always hard on me. Trying to cram all the goofing off Ive been meaning to do.
25/08/87
How come youre still home? Why arent you at work? I took the day off. Say Dad can I have a look at the classified section? As soon as Im through with it. Gosh Dad Id sure like to borrow that section right this minute. Why dont you read the editorials? New dad wated. Frequent traveler preferred. Liberal views on discipline a must ask for Calvin during normal work hours.
26/08/87
I dont wanna take a bath! I hate taking baths! Aaaahhhh! No no no! They can make me do it but they cant make me do it with dignity.
27/08/87
Rats. I cant tell my gum from my silly putty.
28/08/87
(NO TEXT) jump rope stumble
29/08/87
Im never gonna get married are you? Hmm ... I suppose if the right person came along I might. Somebody with green eyes and a nice laugh who I could call pooty pie. Pooty pie?? Or Bitsy Pookums. I think that would affect my stomach a lot more than my heart. Bitsy Pookums. Id say Yes Snoogy Woogy. Shed reply ...
30/08/87
There (pant) see? I ... I tried it. (cough) It almost (wheeze) killed ... me. Encore. Bravo. Im going to run away to Alaska.
31/08/87
Want to go time traveling with me? See I built a time machine. This looks like your transmogrifier. To the inattentive and brainless layman yes but you crawl under the transmogrifier whereas with the time machine you climb in the top. Ahh.
01/09/87
Are we going to travel into the past or into the future? Well I suppose if we went into the past I could ace any upcoming history exams in school. That might be useful. But if we went into the future we could swipe something and pretend to invent it when we got back. We could be rich. The future it is then! Right. Once Im rich I can hire somebody to take all my dumb tests!
02/09/87
ok Hobbes our time machine is all set put on your goggles and well be off to the future! Why do we have to wear goggles? Geez do you think traveling years into the future is like driving down the street?! Weve got to contend with vortexes and light speeds! Anything could go wrong! Of course we need to wear goggles! Gosh I think my goggles are in the bedroom. If Im not back in a couple of minutes you can go without me. Sit down sissy. I already got your goggles.
03/09/87
All ready? Ill just push the button and off we go into the future! Up up and awaayyy! Were approaching light speed Hobbes! Hang on! I have to go to the bathroom. Now?! In hyperspace?! Are you crazy?!
04/09/87
What year in the future are we going to land? Its hard to pinpoint exactly but Id say sometime around the turn of the century. I hope ol earth is still around then. Ive grown fond of it. If not well return to the present and see if Dad will give me my college tuition early in cash.
05/09/87
Hang on! Were coming in! screeechhh! Wow! So this is the future! I kinda pictured more buildings. Maybe we landed in an aboretum.
06/09/87
You know some people never get to walk in a beautiful woods like this. While others of us face the prospect of never doing anything else. Oh hush well find our way home. You dont remember any of this? Nope were sure lost this time. If I had known we werent going to find our way home Id have brought my coloring books. We could be out here for months. Wed better forge for shelter this will be fun! We can be modern Robinson Crusoes living off the land by our wits! We can be rugged explorers! Yeah! Well be free from all the constraints of civilization! Oh boy! Hey isnt that our back yard? Why so it is. I dont care how long youll be gone Im only making you one sandwich. How about rifles then? Do we have any rifles?
07/09/87
Lets have a look around Im sure well run into a robot or something. Look at this. Gosh I wonder what futuristic device this is! Some sort of transportation pod Id guess. I wonder how you get in? I dont see a door or license number anywhere. This is very peculiar. Have you ever seen a tree this color?
08/09/87
I must say the future is quite a bit different than I expected. This breeze is so hot and muggy. I figured theyd be able to control the weather by now. The air stinks too. I guess theres still pollution. Ever feel as if youre being monitored? ... or that youre about to do a double-take?
09/09/87
Aaugh back to the time machine! Run! We mustve gone back in time instead of forward! What tipped you off? The dinosaur?! Dont get smart fuzzbrain. Just get in and face the other direction so we can go into the future this time! You mean we went into the past because we were facing the wrong way!! You think Ive got some triple-a map?! Maybe youd like to steer this time!
10/09/87
We made it! Its a good thing the time machine didnt stall or wed have been eaten by dinosaurs! Were coming back toward the present now. Do you want to stop at home or keep going into the future like we planned? Ive had enough time traveling lets go home. Lets go just a little into the future and see what Im like as a teen-ager! Lets not all right?
11/09/87
Hi Mom. Hobbes and I went time traveling and visited the Jurassic period today. Thats nice. Whats it like? Pretty scary. A dinosaur almost ate us. Actually we were trying to go into the future but we made a mistake. I see well Im glad you made it back. Your mom isnt fazed by much is she? It depends she didnt take the frogs in the toilet so well remember?
12/09/87
Dad look! The suns setting and its only 3 oclock! Its not 3 oclock your watch stopped. Time doesnt stop if your watch stops? Nope. Phooey. For a moment there I thought Id get rich patenting this thing. Id have bought one.
13/09/87
Wipe that grin off your face! Well Hobbes. How do I look? Im doing my best to bite my tongue. I cut out construction paper feathers and taped them on my arms so I can fly! Pretty neat huh? If paper feathers are all it takes to fly dont you think wed have heard about it before? It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things Hobbes. Id agree with that. Heres a gorge. This is a good spot. Youre going to jump off this ledge? Heck no! I need momentum! I want you to toss me over. You understand I assume no responsibility for this? Heave! Im flying. Im flying! Im uh oh. Dont sell the bike shop Orville. Shuh up and go get me some antiseptic.
14/09/87
Mom wants me to clean my room. This is the last straw! I dont have to put up with this totalitarianism! Im seceding! Gee can you secede form your own family? Why not? I never signed up for this group! I wasnt even consulted! The only reason Mom and Dad are my parents is because I was born to them! A biological conspiracy huh?
15/09/87
We can live anywhere we want to now that were seceding from the family! Where do you want to go? The Sahara? Antarctica? How are we going to get to any of those places? We dont even have a car! Ok Dad for this amazing trick Ill need an ordinary American Express card. Now close your eyes ...
16/09/87
Hobbes and I are seceding form this family Mom. Oh really? Yep. Were taking my sled and moving to the Yukon. Well thats a long way away. I know. Heres a list of sandwiches and supplies well need. Why should I do all this if youre seceding from the family? We havent seceded yet! Geez. What kind of mom are you?
17/09/87
Well I guess were all packed. Comic books dart gun space helmet and toboggan! Were off to the Yukon! Do we have a map? Ooh thats right! Glad you remembered! Ill go get one! Dont we have any road maps of the Yukon Mom? I doubt it. Ok heres the Yukon. Now see if you can find the United States. Here they are! Look how close it is! This wont take any time at all!
18/09/87
so long Mom! Were off to the Yukon. Its been nice living here ... but not real nice! Ha ha! Calvin! Wait a minute. Leave it to a mother to drag out a goodbye. Sheesh. Youre going southeast north is that way. Oh yeah. I knew that.
19/09/87
This sled is heavy. I thought we were going to ride it most of the way to the Yukon. Weve only been walking 20 minutes Hobbes. We probably wont get to northern Canada until this afternoon. In that case Im taking a break. Good idea want a comic book? Heres Captain Nitro. I want a sandwich. We just have one apiece. We should save em in case we cant catch a walrus.
20/09/87
You only packed two sandwiches for our entire trip to the Yukon? Relax Hobbes. These sandwiches will give us energy to spare. Mmff. Whath Thith? Honey n marthmallowth? That one is the other has chocolate syrup. As long as were taking a break we might as well record our progress in the log. Journey to the Yukon: Day one. Have traveled for twenty minutes. No snow so far. Food supplies low. Nevertheless morale is high as we push north. My morale would be a lot higher if youd carry the toboggan. Me?! Im the leader of this expedition! Im forging the path! I think its my turn to be leader now. You cant be the leader! See Ive got the commander hat. That can easily be remedied. Hey! Leggo! This is my helmet! Ow quit biting! This is mutiny! Give that back. Im the captain now. I give the commands. First I decree double rations for all officers to aid their decision making capabilities. Oh no you dont! that last sandwich is mine.
21/09/87
Im not going to be led by you! Im the rightful captain! You just stole my captain helmet! Lets say you gave it to me under extreme duress. Ooh if you were littler than me boy Id found you! Ha! Your mom told me you have a weird disease and youre going to get smaller as you grow older! She did not! Thats not true! In fact shes already got a contract from the circus side show. I saw it myself. Im not listening! Im not listening! Ohh say can you see ...
22/09/87
If I cant lead the expedition Im not going at all! You can go to the Yukon yourself. Ha! As captain I fire you anyway! Good! Im going home! You dont have a home. You seceded remember? My life needs a rewind/erase button. ... and a volume control.
23/09/87
What if Mom and Dad wont take me back because I seceded? What if they tell me I cant rejoin the family? They have to take me back! Im their stupid kid right? Right! ... the operative word being stupid.
24/09/87
Gosh maybe Mom and Dad sold all my belongings when I seceded. Maybe they rented out my room. Maybe they moved! ... a lot can happen when you are gone all morning! ... Mommmm!!
25/09/87
Im back Mom. I changed my mind about seceding I want to be your kid again ok? Youll always be my kid. Im glad youre back. Well Hobbes was being a moron. So I decided I didnt want to live in the Yukon with him. So where is Hobbes now? Isnt he back yet? How could Hobbes get back by himself? Youre right that dumb tiger couldnt find his way out of an empty room.
26/09/87
Bedtime Calvin. Wheres Hobbes? I suppose hes wherever you left him. You mean hes still in the woods?? Its night out! What have I told you about leaving your belongings? Hobbes is lost! Ill get a flashlight! Weve got to find him! Hobbes! Hobbes! Calvin its your bedtime! Dont pull this stunt now!
27/09/87
Hobbes you mangy fuzz-brained lunk head where are you?? ... I didnt mean that quite the way the sounded. Cmon Calvin get back inside its too late to go searching for your stuffed tiger now. I cant leave Hobbes alone in the woods at night! Well maybe you should have thought about that before it got dark. This can be a little lesson huh? I thought hed come back by himself. I didnt think hed get lost! Well look for him tomorrow now off to bed with you. Sniff. I hope hes ok. If he hadnt been acting so stupid I would have never left him. I sure wish hed come back. Calvin left Hobbes somewhere in the woods. The poor kids pretty upset. Ill bet. I mean hes really upset. I said Ill bet he is. Really upset. Would my dad have done this? Of course not. I was never spoiled like this ...
28/09/87
No luck? Of course not! How am I going to find a stuffed tiger in the woods at night?! Why cant Calvin keep track of his toys?! I must be crazy to be out here. Hobbes! Oops. Heh heh. I may be crazy but Im not as crazy as you.
29/09/87
Is that you? Did you find Hobbes? Its almost midnight. Yeah I got him. He was out there with the toboggan. Oh honey thank you! Calvin will be so happy!! Mmf. Hed better be or tomorrow Ill leave him in the woods. Cmon well put Hobbes in Calvins bed so hell see him first thing tomorrow. He snuggled up in his sleep! What a little angel! Only at night Im going to bed.
30/09/87
Hobbes! Youre back! Im so glad to see you! Im glad to see you too. Gosh werent you scared being out in the woods at night? Heck no tigers arent scared of that! I got so bored I hiked back. Mom! Look! Hobbes is back! Yes your dad found him last night and brought him in. is that soo?! Mm-hmm. Why dont you go thank him right now?
01/10/87
Hi Calvin. I brought Mr. Bun over so we can play house you and I can be the parents and Hobbes and Mr. Bun can be our children. Oh right. Hobbes and I are gonna put our big plans on hold so we can play house with a stuffed rabbit? Forget it! I dont see why youll play with your dumb ol tiger and not with Mr. Bun and me! Youre just mean thats all! Go play in a microwave Susie. Were busy. Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose but its hard to imagine what. Mr. Bun seems comatose. Did you notice?
02/10/87
Uh oh. It happened again. Calvin wakes up without any recognizable features save two antennae. How disgusting. He oozes out of bed on a trail of slive. Lacking arms and legs how will Calvin put on his clothes? Arent you dressed yet? You are so sluggish in the morning!
03/10/87
Where are you going with the toy telephone? Out in the woods you can come along if youd like. What are you going to do? Try some bird calls.
04/10/87
Eep! Ha ha! Right here kid! Help! Help! The leaf piles got me!! The rake! Gotta get the rake! Forget it kid! Youre doomed! Yaahh! Back you arboreal menace! Back! Wham wham! Sinister fiend! You wont be tricking other innocent little kids! Ill spread you across the whole yard! I though you said you were going to rake the yard today. I did rake the yard. I spent all afternoon ... wheres Calvin?!
05/10/87
Your dad and I are going out to see a movie tonight. Can I come too? No youre staying home. What I got the plague?! Why cant I come? Because other people like watch movies without hearing advice shouted to the characters on the screen. So who does that? Are you saying I do that?
06/10/87
Mom wont let us go to the movie with them so I guess were on our own for tonight. Can we watch TV? What Mom and Dad dont know wont hurt them right? In fact after they leave lets get in the other car and learn to drive! Oh boy! I get to beep the horn ok? Hey theres a teen-ager coming up the drive. Oh no! its Rosalyn! Our bab sitter?! Whats she doing here? Dont Mom and Dad trust us?? Quick hide!!
07/10/87
Were leaving now Rosalyn. Calvin is upstairs. I hope hes not too much trouble tonight. Dont worry I brought a cattle prod this time! Youre mom and dad laughed. Maybe it was a joke. Maybe Mom and Dad think scorching little kids is funny lets go.
08/10/87
Calvin? Are you in there? Cmon out and well make some popcorn. Calvin? Oh brother. I see you Calvin! Cmon back inside. No way lady! If you want us youll have to catch us! Oh geez ... run! Shes wearing cleats! Outta my way! Outta my way!
09/10/87
Lets go! Back in the house! No more monkey business. All right? Phooey. Its my job to watch you and thats what Im going to do even if I have to strap you to a chair. Got it? Jawohl mein fuhrer! Care to repeat that little comment? I said Im not going anywhere. Leggo.
10/10/87
Were home Rosalyn. Was Calvin any trouble? Not too much. I sent him to bed a little while ago. Thats good. Knock knock. Now who could that be at this hour? Police sir. We received a call about two hostages being held here. Calvin! Get down here!
11/10/87
Well if you didnt get in a fight at school what on earth happened to you?! Lets just say sometimes I wish I had a gerbil.
12/10/87
Hi Dad. Im repeating everything anyone says. Oh you are are you? Oh you are are you? Knock it off Calvin. Thats very annoying. Knock it off Calvin. Thats very annoying. I forfeit all my desserts for a week. Ok give them to me. Ha ha. Why dont you go bother your mother for a while?
13/10/87
Psst ... Susie! Whats the answer to question four? Imadoofus. Thanks! The tooth fairys gonna make you rich tonight Susie.
14/10/87
Lets see what you drew for art class Susie. Well a tidy little domestic scene. A house in a yard with flowers. How typically female. Girls think small and are preoccupied with pretty details. But boys think big! Boys think about action and accomplishment! No wonder its men who change the world! Yeah? What did you draw? A squadron of B-1s nuking New York.
15/10/87
Mom can Hobbes and I rent a VCR and a tape tonight? I dont think so Calvin. Its a school night. What if we got an educational tape? Like what? Cannibal stewardess vixens unchained. Now she wont even let us go into the store. I think wed learn a lot by watching that.
16/10/87
Nobody had better be sneaking up on me!! Whump! Its hard to change direction in mid-air. Buddy. Im going to change a lot more than your direction.
17/10/87
Snip. Snap. Crack. Sometimes its good to hush up a while and let autumn stick in a few words.
18/10/87
A dazed Spaceman Spiff crawls from the smoking wreckage of his ship! Our hero now regrets not buying a towing rider on his insurance policy. The courageous Spaceman Spiff has been captured by the hideous Zorgs of Planet X-13! Led through the dank corridors of the dungeon Spiff looks in vain for an opportunity to escape! Our hero is brought before the Zorg despot! So this is the famed space explorer Spiff! Ive waited a long time for this moment earthling scum! You have knowledge we need. Cooperate and well kill you rather painlessly. Lets dispense with the pleasantries you twisted space crustacean. What is it you want from me? A summary of Lewis and Clarks expedition to the Pacific! Ha! Wild Zontars couldnt drag that information out of me! Do your worst! You didnt read the assignment did you Calvin?
19/10/87
Hey Calvin cmere. Shove. Ha ha ha! What a weenie! Ha ha ha! People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
20/10/87
You look down in the dumps. I am. Moe keeps knocking me down at school for no reason. Hes mean just for kicks. I sure am glad youre an animal. Animals sometimes make a lot more sense than people do. ... and were cuter too. Right Hobbes good point.
21/10/87
Look Hobbes I need you to come to school with me and show Moe a little fang ok? You dont need to kill him or anything. Just give him something to think about on the way to surgery. He usually comes after me at recess so well get him then. Hey you dont have rabies do you? Certainly not. Rats. Well I suppose hed at least have to get a tetanus shot.
22/10/87
Hey Calvin. Whyd you bring your stuffed tiger to school? Its not a show and tell day. I know. Hobbes is going to give Moe a little treat today: a ride in an ambulance helicopter. Yeah? Hows he going to do that? If you have an aversion to descriptions of carnage you probably dont want to know. Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of the body experience. Dont get to close now. I want Hobbes to stay fresh for this afternoon.
23/10/87
Look Calvins got a teddy bear thats real sweet Calvin. Its a tiger you brainless invertebrate. Hey maybe Id like to play with your teddy! Good idea moe. Hobbes plays kinda rough but hes lots of fun. Cmere and take him. Why? Is the teacher watching? This is a trick right? Im not touching your stupid teddy see? Cmon I dare you! Whats the matter? Are you chicken? Ha ha! Boy! You sure scared him off! You were great! Come back and call me a bear again! Yeah you bub!
24/10/87
I called your teacher about Moes bullying and she said shed put a stop to it. Im afraid you wasted your time Mom. Moe took one look at Hobbes and just about lost his lunch! I dont think Moe will be bothering me for a while. Its not every kid who has a tiger for a best friend. ... and what lucky moms those kids have. Cmon Hobbes if youll lend me a buck Ill buy you a comic book.
25/10/87
I wish it was Saturday instead of Sunday. Any day you have to take a bath and to go to bed early isnt a day off in my book. Autumn Sundays are the worst. You can ever really enjoy Sundays because in the back of your mind you know you have to go to school the next day. And when the leaves change color it just reminds you even more that summers over and schools just begun. Gee I like this season best of all! The trees are like natures own fireworks display! I love the brisk air the early evenings the ... uh ... the ... yes well ... hmm. Kapow! Fwoosh! Zingg! You didnt mention fresh applesauce fuzzhead. Do you like applesauce.
26/10/87
Processed lunch meat is pretty scary. What are those little specks anyway? Lizard parts? Who knows? And this skin. I heard it used to be made of intestine but I think nowadays its plastic. Of course they dye and wax fruit so it looks better. Its like eating a candle. And Mom wonders why Im so hungry after school. Yep wed probably be dead now if it wasnt for Twinkies.
27/10/87
Hey Dad your latest poll just came in. lets see what it says. Be still my heart. Well Ill be! Your popularity is improving! You went up 30 points! Really? Heck no wonder! Im reading the graph upside down. What a klutz I am! ... hope you are all packed Dad. Dont you have some homework to do?
28/10/87
I like to mess with his dreams. Zz ... cookies? For me? Why sure back up the truck.
29/10/87
Buurrp! Good heavens Calvin! What do we say after that? Must be a barge coming through! What do you say?! That sure tasted better going down than coming up! Three strikes and youre history kiddo. Excuse me.
30/10/87
With ultra-sonic hearing Stupendous Man notices a cry of distress from a distant alleyway! He leaps to the edge of the building and prepares to swoop to the rescue! Stupendous Man had not quite realized just how high up he was however. At this altitude the winds were a little tricky and ... Are you going or do you need a push? Dont rush me all right?!
31/10/87
Lurch your way to the car kid. You need a haircut.
01/11/87
Your dads working so try not to bother him ok? Dad I have a question. Yes? Do people ever spontaneously combust? Uh ... not that I know of no. Thats a relief. Thanks Dad. Youre welcome. Pow! Did I fool you? If youre having trouble thinking of ways to make yourself useful. Ill give you some suggestions.
02/11/87
Think its getting any colder out? Not really. I dont think its gonna change. Me either. Nuts. Well lets go in.
03/11/87
Whatcha doing? Counterfeiting money. Its really hard. Look at all the little lines on this bill. Think anyone will fall for your forgery? Sure. Everyone will. Ol George has the gout I see. I said this was hard.
04/11/87
The giant whale swims toward the surface! Its massive tail pumping furiously he gains terrifying momentum! The 35-ton behemoth breaches! He crashes into the surf with deafening impact! Calvin youd better not be splashing the floor you hear me?!
05/11/87
I wont eat any cereal that doesnt turn the milk purple.
06/11/87
The deadly tornado makes its way across the community. The circling updraft clocks at over 200 mph! The twister searches for a trailer park! Finding one it touches down! Debris is thrown for miles in the ensuing explosion of rushing air! When are you going to clean up this room?! It looks like a ... tornado hit it I know.
07/11/87
Oh boy its Saturday!! Whats going on? Why arent there any cartoons on TV? Its just a test pattern. The TV guide says they dont start until 6:30. Heck thats 45 minutes form now! Well cmon. Ill race you up and down the stairs! Why cant he ever get up like this on school days? Go break his little legs will you honey?
08/11/87
Kiss Hobbes good night too Mom. If you dont get a good night kiss you get Kafka dreams. Sleep tight. Dont let the bedbugs bite. Whats that supposed to mean? Do we have vermin in this house?? The mattress is moving! Mom! It must be a bedbug! Gaah! Legs!! It must be huge! How disgusting! Ugghh! Ill run for some bug spray! Dont let him out! I need more weight! Put your foot locker up here! Whats going on up there?! It sounds like hes moving furniture! I got some raid! Lift up the mattress! Let him have it! Gosh all that spray didnt kill him! What are we going to do?! I hear your dad coming! Maybe he can kill it! About time Dad! He crawled back into the bed! Get a fly swatter! Ill (cough) tell you whos going to get swatted! (choke) what have you done to this room?!!
09/11/87
Bad news on your campaign to stay dad Dad. Oh? Yep. The latest poll of six-year-olds in this household shows that they dont care about issues this year. Its character that counts. So why the bad news? Whos the bimbo with you in this old picture? That bimbo is your mother! Whos a bimbo?! Pretty funky hairdo Mom!
10/11/87
Its the sad truth Dad. Nobody cares about your positions on fatherhood. We just want to know about your character. If youre going to be dad here we have to know youve never done or said anything that would reflect poorly on your judgement. I have your college yearbook here. Lets flip through it shall we? Is this you with the keg and the party naked t-shirt. Give me that!
11/11/87
Grandpa says the comics were a lot better years ago when newspapers printed them bigger. He says comics now are just a bunch of Xeroxed talking heads because theres no space to tell a decent story or to show any action. He thinks people should write to their newspapers and complain. Your grandpa takes the funnies pretty seriously. Yeah moms looking into nursing homes.
12/11/87
Did you read this? This TV star made over twenty million dollars last year! What would you do with twenty million bucks? Beats me. I think its ridiculous that anyone makes that kind of money. Ok. Say you only made fifteen million. Lets say eighteen.
13/11/87
Hi Mom. Bum ba da bum bum. Whats cooking. Ha ha ha ha. Whats with you? I thought my life would be seem more interesting with a musical score and laugh track.
14/11/87
I made up a joke. A mans going for a walk so he gets his dog and says heel. ... and the dog looks up and says it takes one to know one buster! ha ha ha. Whats the matter with you? Dont you get it? Ahhh what do tigers know about sophisticated humor anyway? How did the dog learn to talk?
15/11/87
Go way back. Im really gonna belt this. Keep going. Keep going. I said way back! Keep going! That dummy he cant kick it this far. Whatre you doing? Im ten yards from the goal line! Arent you going to try and catch me?!? I could crawl on my hands and knees to make a touchdown before youd ever get me from back there! Whats the matter with you?? Oops. Do you want to keep trying for the last two yards or just give me the ball now. I call a ten year time out to grow up some more.
16/11/87
Hi Susie. What do you have for lunch today? Dont even talk to me. I dont want to hear how disgusting you think my lunch is. My lunch is fine. Relax I wasnt going to say a word about your lunch. Pass me some salt will you please? Here. Thanks slugs are so chewy before you shrivel them up.
17/11/87
Im home. I read that tigers spinal columns are like big coiled springs! I read that their brains are like big bows of tapioca.
18/11/87
Blecchh! How long are those two gonna keep kissing? This program only lasts for an hour! Geez look at them slobbering over each others faces! Why would anybody do that? Do they like it? Bed time. Theres a connection here I just know it.
19/11/87
Quit hogging the bed. Youre way over on my side. Tough beans fuzz face. Ever thinka bout the geysers and waterfalls? Hundreds of thousands of gallons of water! Flowing spilling rushing gushing splashing. He really fights mean.
20/11/87
Spaceman Spiff flees the despicable scum beings of planet Q-13! In a surprise maneuver our hero turns to face the adversary! His hand tightens around the death ray trigger! It doesnt respond. Spiff reaches for the mertilizer beam but it doesnt work either! Neither do the phospho bombs or the mordo blasters! Nothing is working!! 1812! Gettysburg! 16 fluid ounces! I before E! Thomas Edison! Perhaps someone who has been paying attention can help out Calvin!
21/11/87
I keep forgetting that five of his six ends are pointy when he lies like that.
22/11/87
If you dont hurry up youll miss the school bus. Thats the best news Ive heard today. Lets see what should I wear today? Aaugh! Now boys! Get im. Help help help. Hold his arms! Grab his feet! Ok boys just like we planned! Striped pants polka dot shirt! Plaid jacket! Everybody on! Hey! Im not going out like this! Get off me! Lift his legs! Make him walk! Look at you! Have you gone colorblind?? I dont want to hear about it.
23/11/87
Since September its just gotten colder and colder. Theres less daylight now Ive noticed too. Oh no! This can mean only one thing! The sun is going out! In a few more months earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice! Well gee now I dont feel so bad about not setting up an IRA last year.
24/11/87
Dad says the sun isnt going out. He says its colder because the earths orbit is taking us farther from the Sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isnt it sad how some peoples grip on their lives is so precarious that theyll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth.
25/11/87
Are you going to live the last few months of your life differently now that the Sun is going out and were all doomed? No Ive always believed in living each day as if it was my last so I never have any regrets. Kind of inspiring huh? If you were someone else it might be. Pass me that issue of Captain Napalm will you?
26/11/87
My teacher said the same thing Dad did. The Sun isnt going out after all! Its just getting colder because winters coming. Dad was right all along. Imagine ol Dad knowing something like that!
27/11/87
Whats the story youre going to read me Dad? It doesnt have any romance in it does it? Uh ... Edit it out if it does. I hate romance. Does it have any boring description in it? Well ... Skip it if you see any. I like my stories fast and gripping. It doesnt have a moral does it I hate being told how to live my life. Skip the moral too. Ok? Does his majesty prefer color pictures or black and white?
28/11/87
The mighty destroyer patrols the seas! Suddenly the ship spins out of control! Its caught in a whirlpool! Within moments the giant vessel dips its hull into the swirling vortex and is never seen again! Oh no! Here goes the rest of the navy! Are you letting the water out already?
29/11/87
Calvin its time to wake up. Calvin its time to wake up. Cmon youll be late for school. My dreams are getting way to literal.
30/11/87
Im going to be the next Houdini! Tie me to this chair and Ill escape! Tie the knots tighter dont make it so easy for me. Tie my feet too. All right lets see y ou get out of that. Ha! The great Calvini can escape from anything! Calvin dinner time! Should I tell her youre tied up at the moment ha ha? Ill be (mmf) out of here (rrg) in no time gosh. I cant even move.
01/12/87
Your dinners getting cold Calvin! Ill be down in a second. You want me to help untie you? No! dont touch those ropes! I want to escape! Its easy. I just rock a little to loosen the knots no ropes can hold me! Whoop! Ow!! Good thing youre doing this here before you tried it under water.
02/12/87
Mmf! Gggk! Its no use. Youd better untie me I cant escape. Lets see this end goes in here and around over there. You know knots are pretty tricky. Hurry up. If I pull on this it should ... ahh! Thats tighter! Pull the other way! The other way! Calvin this is the last chance for dinner! Get down here! Sit tight. Ha ha! Ill get your cub scout manual. I dont believe this.
03/12/87
I always wanted to be a cub scout and get merit badges and stuff but I hate going to meetings. Ok ok. Just read about knots all right? Hey look heres a motto! I didnt know you had a motto! Wow what fun! Live for revenge is going to be my motto if you dont get me out of this. Ill quiz you. What do you for a second degree burn? Dont flip through the book you idiot! Untie me! Hmph if I was in your predicament Id treat me with a lot more respect. Do you say youre sorry? Mff! Rrggh! Ooh! You dirty rotten stinking.
04/12/87
Hobbes Im not kidding. If you dont get me loose in ten seconds ... You got yourself into this Mr Houdini not me. But Im supposed to be at dinner! Moms gonna kill me! Escape artists have a risky trade. Hey heres morse code! Ok Im sorry I called you names. I said Im sorry right? Now untie me. Heres how you say banana in morse. Dash dot dot dot dot dash ... What is that kid doing?! It sounds like a chair thumping around the room. Well his dinner is stone cold. I hope hes happy.
05/12/87
All right young man! Youve wasted the nice meal your mom fixed. Get out here. You tied yourself up?? What on earth were you doing?! Hobbes tied me up Dad! Its his fault. Dont make up lies Calvin. How did you get yourself like this?! Hobbes did it Dad! He was going to hold me for ransom! Honest! Ransom?? Whod pay for you you big fibber?! Im certainly glad your dad saw through that filthy lie! Oh hush. You always get me in trouble.
06/12/87
First there was nothing ... then there was Calvin! Calvin the mighty god creates the universe with pure will! Form utter nothingness comes swirling form! Life begins where once was void! But Calvin is no kind and loving god! Hes one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice. Yes Calvin is a god of the underworld! And the puny inhabitants of earth displease him! The great Calvin ignores their please for mercy and the doomed writhe in agony! Have you seen how absorbed Calvin is with those tinkertoys? Hes creating whole worlds over there! Ill be he grows up to be an architect.
07/12/87
Whats for dinner Mom? Tortellini. Oh no not tortellini! I hate tortellini!! Oh gross! Yecch! Tortellini!! Nothing is more disgusting than tortellini!! Cant we have something else? No. tortellini ... tortellini ... t - o - r ...
08/12/87
Did you see we have a substitute teacher today? Oh no! that can only mean our real teacher rocketed back to Saturn to report to her superiors! Theyre trying to subvert us little kids with subliminal messages in our text books telling us to turn in our parents when the Saturnians attack! Earth will be rendered helpless! I think one of us has been eating too much paste in art class. Im to smart for them though! I dont read my assignments!
09/12/87
Behold the terrible thunder lizard Tyrannosaurus Rex! The fiercest dinosaur of all he is twenty tons of bone crushing muscle and razor sharp teeth! Always the victor he lets out a triumphant roar!
10/12/87
I juth hade it whed thith happedth.
11/12/87
Calvin the criminal is about to face justice! Angry throngs turn out to watch his execution! As he is led up the gallows he reflects upon his many heinous crimes. He is not repentant! The noose is put around his neck and tightened! This is the end! Gackk! Urrgh! Oh nock it off. Some of us have to wear a tie every day.
12/12/87
How was the kiddy matinee movie? Movie? Oh yeah the movie. Yeah there was a movie it was ok I guess. How was the matinee? We are buying a video player.
13/12/87
That sigh ought to get me out of a few years purgatory.
14/12/87
Open your moth and close your eyes and youll get a big surprise. Ready? Here it ... hey! Youre peeking! Whats the matter? Dont you trust your own kid?! Cmon close your eyes! Uh oh hang on he got away.
15/12/87
Anything yet? Not one snowflake.
16/12/87
Dear Santa. Attached is my Christmas list for this year. Last year I did not receive several items from my list. For your convenience I have grouped those items together on page 12. Please check them carefully and include them with the rest of my loot this year. Thats the problem with this guy. Hes gotten sloppy without any competition.
17/12/87
He sees when youre sleeping he knows when youre awake. He knows if youve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake! Click. Santa Claus: kindly old elf or CIA spook?
18/12/87
This Santa Claus stuff bothers me ... especially the judge and jury bit. Who appointed Santa? How do we know he is impartial? What criteria does he use for determining good and bad? And what about extenuating circumstances? Kids should have the benefit of legal counsel dont you think? Youre worried about the salamander incident arent you? Temporary insanity! Thats all it was!
19/12/87
They say Santa knows if youve been good or bad but what if someone had been sort of both? I mean suppose some kid tried to be good ... at least well most of the time. But bad things inexplicably kept happening? Suppose some kid just had terrible luck and he got blamed for lots of things he did only sort of on purpose. Who exactly might we be talking about? This is a purely hypothetical case Mr. Smartypants.
20/12/87
Can we get this tree Mom? Can we? I dont know Calvin. Its awfully expensive. Yeah but just think how much loot would fit under it! Dad! Come bring in the Christmas tree Mom and I picked! Its a great one! This year I thought wed just keep the tree in the garage. In the garage?! Sure. You can go out and look at it any time you like. And it saves all the trouble of decorating it. Were not going to decorate it?! Why bother? We just take it all down in two weeks on Christmas day. If you get a present. If I get a present? You can take it out to the garage to open and pretend the tree has lots of lights and ... Mommmmm! I know somebody whos going to get a lot of coal in his stocking buster. This season gets less jolly every year.
21/12/87
This whole Santa Claus thing just doesnt make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists why doesnt he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesnt exist whats the meaning of all this? I dunno ... isnt this a religious holiday? Yeah but actually Ive got the same questions about God.
22/12/87
Gosh Hobbes what if I dont get any presents this year because I doubted the existence of Santa? Suppose hes putting my name on the bad list right now! That would be awful! Personally Id think that if you werent on the bad list all along this wouldnt push you over. Thanks for the comfort eggnog brain. See? See why youre on the bad list? Insults!
23/12/87
Well Ive decided I do believe in Santa Claus no matter how preposterous he sounds. What convinced you? A simple risk analysis. I want presents. Lots of presents. Why risk not getting them over a matter of believe? Heck Ill believe anything they want. How cynically enterprising of you. Its the spirit of Christmas.
24/12/87
Psst! Are you awake? Of course. I havent heard Santa yet have you? Do you think hes coming? Its only 11:00. We maybe later on the route. Thump? Gasp did you hear that? Its him! Its Santa! Shh! Hes saying something! Slippin rippin dang fang rotten zarg barg-a-ding dong! Quiet dear! Calvin will hear you!
25/12/87
We got presents! Santa came! He came! He came! Oh no its not morning already? Well technically yes ...
26/12/87
Bath time Calvin! Come on lets just get it over with this time all right? Where are you? Lets go! Shell never look here.
27/12/87
Heres a box of crayons. I need some illustrations for a story Im writing. You can draw something besides tigers cant you? Sure. Leopards pumas ocelots ... you name it. Here dad read this story tonight. I wrote it and Hobbes illustrated it. Um ok. The dad who lived to regret being mean to his kid. What are you pausing for? Keep reading. Barneys dad was really bad so Barney hatched a plan. When his dad said Eat your peas! Barney shouted No! and ran. Barney tricked his mean ol dad. And locked him in the cellar. His mom never found out where hed gone. Cause Barney didnt tell her. There his dad spent his life. Eating mice and gruel. With every bite for fifty years he was sorry hed been cruel. The end. You know how a lot of stories have morals to them? I get it I get it!
28/12/87
What do you think is the meaning of true happiness? Is it money cars and women? Or is it just money and cars? Well?
29/12/87
Look at this! You call this snow?! Its not even an inch high! What good is less than an inch of snow?! Well its pretty. Nobody ever closed a school on account of prettiness.
30/12/87
This will be the strongest snow fort ever made! Keep packing on snow. This will be indestructible. Well pour water on it so it freezes overnight. That way our fort will be here until July! Wheres that kid?!
31/12/87
This snow fort can repel any attack! I hate this neighborhood.
01/01/88
Whap! Im glad to see youre inside. Its handy not to have to boots and a coat to take off.
02/01/88
My snow fort makes me invulnerable! From behind its thick wall I can launch a brutal snowball barrage and remain safe from retaliation! Whap! Youre supposed to attack from that side of the fort dummy!!
03/01/88
Did you make any resolutions for the new year? Heck no. Im just fine the way I am! Why should I change? In fact I think its high time the world started changing to suit me! I dont see why I should do all the changing around here! If the new year requires resolutions I say its up to everyone else not me! I dont need to improve! Everyone else does! How about you did you make any resolutions? Well I had resolved to be less offended by human nature but I think I blew it already.
04/01/88
I hate waiting for the school bus on days like these. Blustery cold days should be spent propped up in bed with a mug of hot chocolate and a pile of comic books. Thats what Id like to be doing right now. As soon as I graduate Im going to spend every winter that way. I wish you bus would come my hot chocolate will get cold.
05/01/88
Help me figure out this homework problem Hobbes. Whats 3 + 8. Ok assign the answer a value of x. x always means multiply so take the numerator (thats latin for number eighter) and put that on the other side of the equation. That leaves you with three on this side so what times three equals eight? The answer of course is six. Gosh I must have done all the others wrong. These problems seem awfully advanced for first grade if you ask me.
06/01/88
Heres another math problem I cant figure out. Whats 9 + 4? Ooh thats a tricky one. You have to use calculus and imaginary numbers for this. Imaginary numbers?! You know eleventeen thirty-twelve and all those ... its a little confusing at first. How did you learn all this? Youve never gone to school! Instinct tigers are born with it.
07/01/88
Its freezing in this house! Somebody crank up the thermostat! Why doesnt someone make a fire?! If we cant afford to heat this place maybe dad should get a better job! Why cant we move to Florida?! Calvin pipe down and put on a sweater if youre cold. And go to all that trouble?!
08/01/88
I read that the average household watches 7.5 hours of TV every day. Mom says she doesnt watch TV at all while Im at school. So if we get home at 3:00 I should be able to watch it straight till 10:30 right? Wrong. Do you want us to be sub-average?!
09/01/88
Mom the washer is done. Ok. Arent you going to put the wash in the dryer? In a minute. You mean you are just going to let it sit in the washing machine?!? Calvin cant you see Im busy right now?? She says shes busy. I hope the next time she takes a bath there arent any towels.
10/01/88
Two parts slush one part solid ice one part hard-packed snow a dash of assorted debris. Sculpt into a sphere and serve at high velocity without warning. Oh boy here comes Susie! Hey Susie! Whap! Ha ha! I gotcha you dumb girl!! Aughh! My eyeball! Wheres my eyeball! What are you talking about? I hit you in the back. It knocked my eyeball out! Find it and pack it in snow so they can save it. Ooh. Ooh. Gosh did you really lose your eyeball? I didnt know they came out! Wow. Im really sorry. I didnt mean to knock it out. Can I see the socket? Boy where do you suppose it rolled. Somewhere over there poop head!! Boot! What are you doing? My eyeball fell out. Help me look for it.
11/01/88
Whos coming to visit? Your Uncle Max. I thought I told you. Uncle Max?? I dont remember any Uncle Max. Are you sure hes related? Maybe hes a con man trying to swindle us! Of course hes related. Hes your dads brother. He just hasnt been here for a few years. Why not? Was he in jail? No! good heavens Calvin. Now now ... with Max thats not a bad guess.
12/01/88
Were getting near the airport Calvin. See the jets? How come youre so quiet back there? Arent you excited to see Uncle Max? Yeah. I just hope nobody thinks Im giving up my room while hes here.
13/01/88
Its great to see you Max! It seems like ages since youve been here. Ill say. I didnt think it had been so long until I saw Calvin. This guy has really grown. So kid what do you say? I say youd better watch your step cause Ive got a live man-eating tiger at home and if I so much as wink hell rip your lungs out. cute kid bro.
14/01/88
And this is my room Uncle Max. I dont know where youre sleeping but it sure isnt here. Gotcha nice room. This is Hobbes. I wouldnt get too close if I was you. Dont worry he looks like a fierce one. Yep. Mandibles of death thats what hes got. And a killers yee. You can tell. I think Ill go downstairs. Ol Uncle Max seems pretty sharp. Hard to believe hes related to dad. A killers eye he said. Wow! I wonder which one!
15/01/88
Hey! Hey kid what are you doing?! Im going through your luggage. Whats it look like Im doing? Did mommy and daddy raise you themselves or did they just untie you for my visit? Didnt you bring me a present? I cant find one anywhere.
16/01/88
Is this my place? Cant I sit over there? I want to sit next to Uncle Max. Can I? Please? Please? Ok go ahead. Move your chair over. You should be flattered Max. Calvin asked to sit by you tonight. Hey thats sweet.
17/01/88
Ive got to go in. Another five minutes out here and Ill be frozen solid. Ooh I hope that was no one I knew. You looked pretty cold coming up the hill so I fixed you some hot chocolate and crackers with peanut butter. Go wrap up in a blanket and take these in front of the fire. Heres Hobbes and a comic book. Getting toasty? Uh huh. Thanks. She even put marshmallows in the chocolate. Nobody knows how to pamper like a mom. So are you going to eat all those peanut butter crackers yourself or what?
18/01/88
Do you have any kids Uncle Max? Me? Nope Im not even married. Oh. What difference does that make? Kid watches a lot of TV does he?
19/01/88
Boy Calvin takes that stuffed tiger everywhere he goes. Yeah theyre inseparable. Do you worry about that? I mean shouldnt he be playing with real friends? Oh I think he will when hes ready. Didnt you ever have an imaginary friend? Sometimes I think all my friends have been imaginary.
20/01/88
Uncle max look! Ill show you a magic disappearing trick! Ok first Ill need an ordinary twenty dollar bill. How about if I lend you a nickel instead? No it works much better with a twenty or a fifty if you have one. I take it you think your ol Uncle Max is a low-watt bulb. Why did Dad tell you how this works?
21/01/88
When are you going back home Uncle Max? Tomorrow. Is that soon enough? Gee I wish you could stay forever. What a nice thing to say! Youre all right Calvin. Moms a lot more patient with me in front of guests.
22/01/88
Well so long Max. It was great to see you again. You too. Have a safe trip home. Come visit me sometime ok fella? Heck Ill come right now! So long Mom! Bye Dad! Calvin get back here! I never get to do anything fun. Missed your chance dear. We couldve bought him a ticket. Well.
23/01/88
Are you just going to stay inside all day? You should go play outside and get some fresh air!
24/01/88
Seven eight nine net! Thats my square! Ha ha! you owe me money! Uh eleven! Just a minute! What are you doing? You cant just take money from the bank! Youve got hotels on every piece of property you own. I cant afford to pay you so Im sticking up the bank its a robbery! You cant do that! Im the banker right? Am I going my life over a few thousands dollars? The rules dont say you can rob the bank. Thats cheating. Do the rules say you cant rob the bank? Huh? Do they? Just roll the dice and accept this is a tragic turn of events ok? Ok if thats how were playing then Im robbing you! Ha! Ill steal your deeds to Park Place and Boardwalk! Yeah? Well Im taking all the houses and hotels and putting them on Baltic. Where you just landed! You owe me $250000! Thats what you think you you. Isnt it cute how Calvin plays both sides of Monopoly with his stuffed tiger? I dunno I overheard him using words he didnt learn in this household.
25/01/88
Aaghh I cant believe we were assigned to do a report together. All I can say is youd better do a great job! I dont want to flunk just because I was assigned a doofus for a partner. A doofus?? Who takes her sandwiches apart and eats each ingredient separately? Whats wrong with that? It certifies you as a grade a nimrod. It does not!
26/01/88
Ok look. Weve got to do this dumb project together so we might as well get it over with. What are we supposed to be doing? Werent you even paying attention. What would you do if I wasnt here to ask? Youd flunk and be sent back to kindergarten thats what! Says you! I heard that sometimes kids dont pay attention because the class goes at too slow a pace for them. Some of us are too smart for the class. Oh right. Youre too smart. Believe it lady. You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well mine are even worse!
27/01/88
So what are we supposed to be doing? Were supposed to be researching the planet Mercury. So what have we found out? nothing! Im not going to do this whole thing myself! Youd probably goof it all up if you did. Lets get started. Yes! Lets! Ill be the management and you can be the labor. First get some books. Does anyone want to trade partners?
28/01/88
What are you doing?! Youre doodling! Youre sitting here drawing martians when were supposed to be researching! You havent done anything yet! Dont you care?? Whats the matter with you?! Its no use! Were going to flunk! Ill have to go to a second-rate college because my idiot partner spent the study period drawing martians! Why me? Why me? Why me? Here this will cheer you up. The martian moves when you flip the pages! Watch you can see him eat an astronaut!
29/01/88
Look bird brain you wasted the entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. Youd better bust your butt over the weekend or Im telling the teacher you didnt do any work. Got it? ... well what do you say?! Am I getting through to you?! This is important! Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!! Our hero regards the strange alien. ... it seems to be trying to communicate.
30/01/88
Calvin telephone! Why arent you at the library?!?
31/01/88
Planet Bog - pools of toxic chemicals buble under a choking atmosphere of poisonous gases. ... but aside from that its not much like Earth. We find Spaceman Spiff struggling across the terrain of distant planet! Suddenly the ground begins to shake! A cloud of dust appears on the horizon! Its a Zorg!! Our hero runs for cover but the Zorg is instantly upon him! Spiff fires his blaster but the weapon is useless agains the monster! The fearless space explorer is taken to the Zorgs cave where he discovers a vat of boiling water! Oh no! our hero is about to be cooked alive! Spiffs mind races furiously. Well? Get in. Dont you want to lean way way over and test how hot the water is?
01/02/88
We have to give our report on planet Mercury today. Did you do your half? Of course I did. And Ill bet my half makes your half look pathetic. It had better be good ... or else! The planet Mercruy. An exhaustively researched report by Calvin.
02/02/88
... and so the planet Mercury is a hot and barren world the closest to our sun. And to tell us about the mythology of mercury heres my partner Calvin. Thank you thank you! Hey what a crowd! You look great this morning ... really I mean that! Go on give yourselves a hand! You know a funny thing happened on the way to the library yesterday ... This isnt my fault Miss Wormwood!
03/02/88
The planet Mercury was named after a roman god with winged feet. Mercury was the god of flowers and bouquets which is why today he is a registered trademark of FTD florists. Why they named a planet after this guy. I cant imagine. ... um back to you Susie.
04/02/88
Boy you shouldve seen the sparks fly when I gave my half of the report. Ive never seen Susie so mad. She accused me of not doing my research and claimed I made up the whole thing. Did you? Heck no. I just took a few creative liberties. And they called your mom over a few creative liberties? Geez you think Susie was mad.
05/02/88
Dont you hate it when your boogers freeze?
06/02/88
Here we are overlooking suicide gulch about to hurl ourselves down at breakneck speed in a sled that hardly steers! Risking life and limb! Looking at death straight in the eye! Why? You ask! Why do we do it?? Because we get paid I hope. Because its there!
07/02/88
Im going outside! Ill be out back if anyone wants me! Ill probably be gone a couple hours! Im leaving now! Im going! So long! Se you later! Bye! Stomp stomp stomp. Hey Susie look! I found dinosaur tracks! Pretty scary huh? Ill be you didnt know there were dinosaurs in this neighborhood! Especially not dinosaurs with size 5 treaded toes.
08/02/88
Look Hobbes the latest perfection in technology. A water pistol? Heck no! this is the new improved version of the transmogrifier. Now you can transmogrify things just by pointing at them! Say you dont like the color of your bedspread. Well you just zap it and presto its an iguana! One can certainly imagine the myriad of uses for a hand-held iguana maker. It doesnt have to be an iguna. It can be anything. Suppose moms getting on our nerves for instance.
09/02/88
How does the transmogrifier gun know what to transmogrify something into? Telepathy. The gun automatically reads the brain waves you emit and turns the object into whatever you want. Thats amazing. Well it took me all morning to invent. So say Im thinking about a big slab of grilled tuna now. Watch where youre pointing that! Watch where youre pointing that!
10/02/88
Ok lets test this transmogrifier gun. I want to be a pterodactyl so you think of one and point the transmogrifier at me. This will be great. Ill terrorize the neighborhood awhile and then you can transmogrify me back to a boy when the national guard comes. Whats a pterodactyl? Some kind of bug? No no! its a big flying dinosaur! Dont shoot me if you dont know what it is!!
11/02/88
A chicken?? You transmogrified me into a chicken! You were supposed to turn me into a pterodactyl you nincompoop! All you had to do was think of a pterodactyl! Why did you think of a chicken? Its almost lunchtime. Oh I see well Im glad you werent hungry for a hotdog!
12/02/88
Heres the transmogrifier gun. Now try again and do it right. I want to be pterodactyl. Ok here you go. Well now thats more like it. Say when did you turn yourself into a 200-foot-tall colossus? I didnt why?
13/02/88
You transmogrified me into a tiny pterodactyl?? Big dinosaurs give me the willies. You numbskull! How am I goinig to terrorize the neighborhood like this?? My arent you the cranky one today? By golly Ill show you! Ha ha! serves you right! You my friend just made a big mistake.
14/02/88
There! Now were both transmogrified. Were even! Even?? We would be even only if turning a tiger into a duck was an improvement. This wasnt at all what I had in mind when I asked you to transmogrify me into a pterodactyl. Pterodactyls are big! So you turned me into a duck. Is that it? Fairs fair. Ok Ill take the transmogrifier and fix you up right. Zap! Why you gimmie that gun! Thbbt! Zap! An insult! This is worse than before!! Zap! Zap! Zap! Great just great. Which one of us is Calvin and which is Hobbes huh? Well I hope Calvin is you because his moms going to have a fit when she sees this.
15/02/88
Look Ill transmogrify you back to a tiger if you transmogrify me back to a kid ok? Ok. Zap! Ahh thats much better. Now do me. Click ... click ... click. Whats wrong?? Im not transmogrifying! Boy Im glad we did me first.
16/02/88
Whats wrong with the transmogrifier? Why wont it work?? You invented it. You tell me. Dont tell me Im stuck as an owl for the rest of my life! I think owls mostly eat mice. I suppose we could catch some in the yard. This is awful! What am I going to do?! Uggh I could never eat a mouse raw. Their little feet are probably real cold going down. Will you forget the stupid mice and help me think? I wonder if pet stores will sell you a mouse if you know youre going to eat it?
17/02/88
Hi mom Im an owl. You dont look like a very happy owl. Nope. Im not. Maybe some lunch would help. I doubt it. I dont like mice. This is soup. Is it mouse soup? I dont like mice. I heard you. Its tomato.
18/02/88
What am I going to do Hobbes? I cant be an own forever! How am I going to transmogrify back into a kid when the transmogrifier is broken? Maybe you should just learn to accept this predicament. Its not so bad being an owl instead of a kid. Actually its probably better. Better?? How? Well I never quite knew how to say this before but little boys dont smell so good.
19/02/88
Ive got to go to school tomorrow morning! What will the kids say if Im an owl?! Oh no. Im doomed! Im doomed! Since when do owls go to school? Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. My oh my what a wonderful day!
20/02/88
Time to get up Calvin. You dont want to miss the school bus. Im not going to school Mom. Im an owl. No youre not. Now get up and get dressed. Im not an owl? Im not! Im me again! The transmogrification must only be temporary! It wore off overnight! Im a kid! I can ... go to school. Yawwwnnn ... keep the shade down when you go ok?
21/02/88
No text
22/02/88
Ding dong. Ill get it. Hobbes quick close the curtains and help me prop furniture against the door! Its Rosalyn!
23/02/88
Dad! Dad! Where do you keep your guns? Get out the magnum! I dont have any guns. Whats the problem? Rosalyns here and she wont go away! Why on earth dont you have any guns? Your mom and I are going out. Rosalyn is here to baby-sit. Dont you remember? I told you that this morning? You just dont pay attention. Thats why you never know whats going on. How about a wooden stake and a mallet? Do we have that?!
24/02/88
Can you believe it Hobbes? Mom and Dad asked Rosalyn to baby-sit us? Theres just one thing to do. Well mail ourselves to Australia. Climb in. just put us out by the mailbox Mom. Stop being silly Calvin. Wheres Rosalyn? I thought you said she was here. As far as I know shes still on the front porch why? You didnt let her in?! ding dong.
25/02/88
Come in Rosalyn! Im sorry! We didnt realize Calvin hadnt let you in. Thats ok. It wasnt too cold and wet out. Were late help yourself to anything in the fridge. Well see you at ten. The door was jammed. Really. I couldnt get it open. Bed.
26/02/88
Hey dont fix that for dinner! Didnt Mom tell you Hobbes and I are on a strict Big Mac diet? Its doctors orders! Oh Id better call your doctor then! Oh no she called my bluff! The doctors gonna be furious! Boy are we going to get ti! We? Im dialing! Hello doctor? Im calling about Calvins dietary needs. ... at the tone the time will be 6:27 and 10 seconds. Beep. Bad news Calvin. Your doctor says you should have a spoonful of castor oil and lie down all evening. He did? Really? No he didnt. did he? Whats castor oil?
27/02/88
Mom doesnt set the table this way. Mom does it a lot better. This food smells funny. This isnt the way Mom fixes it. I like the way Mom does it better. Im not your mom all right?!? No kidding! My mom loves me more than life itself and she lets me do anything I want. Not like you you nasty ol barracuda. I cant believe I postponed a date for this.
28/02/88
My dad is a big ... hey! I think wed better get that kid to a psychologist.
29/02/88
Ill get it. I think its for me. Hello? Hi Charlie thanks for calling. Yeah this little freaks driving me up the wall ... what? No. Charlie this is Calvin on the other phone! Listen to me! Your girlfriends a sadistic kid-hater! Dont ever marry her! Shed be a terrible mother! She uh oh. Gotta go! After Charlie dumps you hell thank me!
01/03/88
Rosalyn sent us to bed and its not even our bedtime yet! Weve got to escape. Heres the plan: you start moaning and when Rosalyn comes in. Ill throw this blanket over her. Well tie her up and make our getaway got it? Got it. Mrowryowowwrrr. Rosalyn come quick! Theres something wrong with Hobbes! Right Calvin. What should I do call a vet? No just come up here and close your eyes.
02/03/88
Were home! Hi Rosalyn. How was Calvin tonight? Oh that bad eh? And a five dollar advance on the next time. Here you are. Good night thanks again. Shes got a real racket going doesnt she? What do you want to do stay home ever night until Calvins eighteen?
03/03/88
Hey Calvin guess what were doing in gym today. Were wrestling! Next period youll be so covered with mat burns youll need skin grafts! Ha ha ha! See ya then twinky. Sighhhh. Physical education is what you learn from having your face in someones armpit right before lunch.
04/03/88
Kapwinggg! Its Calvin the human light particle! In the blink of an eye hes 165000 miles away! Nothing in the universe is faster than Calvin! I hope!
05/03/88
Much as I love my Chocolate Frosted Crunchy Sugar Bombs. The best part is after the cereal is gone. Thats when you eat all the leftover milk thats all sludgy from the extra sugar you added. Sometimes I eat two or three bows of this. I can hear your heart racing from here. They make this cereal with marshmallow bits too but Mom wont buy it for me.
06/03/88
Its freezing upstairs! Can I take some logs up to my room? Hey youre on my side of the bed. These sheets are freezing! Yeah well aaughh! Your feet are like ice! Get away from me! But my sides all cold! Well dont get me cold! Move over. Sure youve got a fur coat! Im just wearing pajamas. Quit pulling the blankets willya? I hardly have any you hot! Gimmie those! Youre letting in cold air! Quit it! Quit it! Serves you right Mr. Mosty-Toasty! See what its like being cold! Yaaaah!! Eat feathers fuzz ball! Move over. Youre getting my side all hot. Open the window Im roasting.
07/03/88
Hey Calvin! Guess what time it is! Why? What time is it? Its a very special time! Oh boy oh boy! What time is it? Do you really want to know? Yes yes! Tell me! Tell me! Quick! Please! Yes! Its your bath time! Oh boy! You know how old people always write to Dear Abby complaining that their kids never write call or visit? Those letters really crack me up.
08/03/88
I hate being a kid. Somebodys always telling you what to do or what not to do. Do this! Stop that! Day after day. Youre lucky youre a tiger. Well we try to stay humble but lord knows its hard. I wonder if I can grow fangs when my baby teeth fall out.
09/03/88
I wish I was a tiger. A common lament. Ive got an idea! You can teach me to be a tiger! Ive got some red sleepers I can wear! Hang on! See? We can make a tail by stuffing a knee sock and pinning it on my rear! Then you can draw stripes on my face! Hmm ... what about fur and whiskers? I havent shaved for six years. I seem to be cursed with a thin beard.
10/03/88
gee Im getting more like a tiger every minute. Hold still while I draw stripes. How do I look? Its some improvement. Rowrr rrghgh rawrr. I dunno youre still lacking something tigger-ish. Panache. Thats it. Wiat Ive got some plastic vampire fangs I can put in!
11/03/88
Thats great Hobbes! Im a tiger! Well being a tiger is more than just stripes you realize. Kind of a zen thing huh? You have to think like a tiger. Yowwow Im hungry! Whats for dinner? Hows that? Har har. Do you want me to teach you anything or not?
12/03/88
Ok were tigers. Were out in the wilderness. Teach me how to survive. Lets say were hiding up in a tree. Our keen tiger eyes and noses detect some prey nearby. What do we do? I suppose it would depend on what kind of prey it was. I dont care pick something. Well if its a box of rigatoni noodles first you would go put on some water ...
13/03/88
The late Cretaceous period ... when dinosaurs ruled the Earth! And Calvin ruled the dinosaurs! The terrible Tyrannosaurus sinks it teeth into a triceratops! Triumphant again the undisputed king of dinosaurs lets out a mighty roar! With savage ferocity the monster begins its feast! Limb-severing bone-crushing and tendon-snapping he ... Calvin! Thats disgusting! For heavens sake slow down and chew quietly! The terrible Tyrannosaurus resumes eating mortified that someone might see him.
14/03/88
Hobbes youre supposed to be teaching me how to be a tiger. Weve been sitting in this dumb tree all morning and you havent taught me how to hunt or anything! Its instinct. You cant teach that. Well if you wont help Ill just go look up tiger in the encyclopedia. As long as were going in lets fix some soup and sandwiches ok? You know what you are? A disgrace thats what.
15/03/88
This book says tigers are solitary and secretive creatures. True very true. Secretive? Oh sure! You wouldnt believe some of the secrets I know. Really? Like what? I cant tell you theyre secrets. You can tell me! I wont blab! Honest! Tell me! Please? Big secrets! Secret secrets! Boy if you only knew! Mm-mm!
16/03/88
I dont believe you even have a secret. Thats right I dont. yes you do! Tell me it! Pleeeze? No! why not? Why cant you tell me? Its about you. Aaahhh! What is it? Tell me! Tell me! Ive said too much already.
17/03/88
If you wont tell me your secret I wont be your friend anymore. Ill give you a hint hows that? Ok! Shoot. The flea market. The flea market? What kind of lousy hint is that? Do you know how your parents got you? I was ... why? What are you saying? No more hints.
18/03/88
I dont believe your dumb ol secret about my parents getting me at a flea market. Its true. It is not and if all your secrets are lies you can just keep them to yourself. You just dont want to hear how little you went for. Oh hush up. This book also says tigers wont share their territory with other tigers. I can see how other tigers would get on ones nerves. A nickel. Thats how much you cost.
19/03/88
This book says tigers are territorial and wont share their ground with other tigers. I guess wed better divide up the woods then. This will be my territory and that will be yours. This rock will separate our two sides. As another tiger you are hereby banished from this side of the rock. Ha ha ha! Look what Im doing! You cut that out!
20/03/88
Uh oh Ill bet Hobbes is waiting to spring on me as soon as I open the front door! I know Ill sneak around back and surprise him! Heh heh! There he is all ready to pounce! What a sucker! Im home! Ive got to start listening to those quiet nagging doubts.
21/03/88
My side of the woods is abound in natural scenic splendor. Your side wallows in decay and filth. My territory is infinitely superior to yours. Your side is smaller. Hey!
22/03/88
Im hungry. Well you cant catch anything in my territory. Thats what the book says. What do tigers eat in the wild anyway? They catch big gross caterpillars like that one. Ewww. Its got little spikes all over him. Tigers really eat these? By the truckload. Theyre great. Let me see the book. Who are you going to believe some silly writer or a real tiger?
23/03/88
So far I havent had much fun as a tiger. I thought wed be romping around the woods like we always do but it turns out tigers dont share their territories with other tigers! So here we are sitting on opposite sides of a big rock. What a blast. Being a tiger just isnt all its cracked up to be. Thats not the half of it. It says here were an endangered species!
24/03/88
Were endangered? It says tigers nearly faced extinction and their future remains in doubt. Thats awful. Ill say. No offense but I think Ill go back to being a kid again. This explains why I dont meet many babes.
25/03/88
Im home! Pow! Gald to see me?? What I would give to be a latchkey kid.
26/03/88
Im home! Wham! Youll notice I didnt say I was inside.
27/03/88
A red spaceship? On the monitor your vileness. Its that infernal Spaceman Spiff! Open fire! Spaceman Spiff is hit! He aims for planet Mok hoping to find a reputable body shop. We join our hero after a crash landing on the hostile planet Mok. Ominous figures appear in the horizon. The daring Spaceman Spiff lays waste with his death ray zorcher but he is hopelessly outnumbered! Surrounded our hero is taken prisoner and carried to a subterranean dungeon! Still wont talk eh Spiff? Well see about that! Youll never get anything from me space squid! You had your chance earthling! Take him to the interrogation room and wash his hair! Aaugh! You got soap in my eyes on purpose! Sinister fiend! If youd stop thrashing around maybe it wouldnt happen!
28/03/88
Lightning flashes! Thunder rumbles across the sky! Horrible Calvin has been sewn together from corpses! A power surge forces blood to his brain! Hes ... hes alive! Well look whos up and about. Hello sleepyhead.
29/03/88
Calvin wakes up staring into the eyes of a big frog. Seeing Calvin awake the frog scrambles down and forces open Calvins mouth! Calvin tries to fight but the slippery amphibian instantly slides in and is swallowed! How disgusting! I dont feel good. You sound awful. Youve got a frog in your throat.
30/03/88
Calvin the elephant wanders the African plain. At five tons he is the largest land animal! His deafening call shatters the early morning tranquility!
31/03/88
I read that a cheetah can run 65 miles an hour can tigers run that fast? Of course. Really? Lets see you do it. Oh I cant now. Yeah? Why not? Im not wearing my drag chute.
01/04/88
Why do you suppose were here? Because we walked here. No no. I mean here on Earth. Because Earth can support life. No I mean why are we anywhere? Why do we exist? Because we were born. Forget it. I will thank you.
02/04/88
Saturday is the best day of the week. No demands at all! Perfect freedom! The whole day stretches before us with unlimited opportunity! And what better way to appreciate that opportunity than by squandering it watching cartoons all day!
03/04/88
Will you get me a glass of water? You just had one. I want one to keep by the bed so I can douse this guy if he starts snoring. Good night Calvin. Hee hee hee. Oh great hes dreaming again. Sniff. Where do you think you are you imbecile? Out in the jungle? Mm ... heh heh. If he starts running hes gonna get a pillow in the kisser. Sniff. Hey! Where are you going? Somnambulists give me the creeps. Why are we going to the kitchen? Calvin! What are you doing? Have you been sleepwalking? I was completely awake! Its this dope whos sleepwalking! I just followed him. I put him back to bed he couldnt give any reason for being up. Do you suppose it means anything? Look he got out all the tuna!
04/04/88
Ahh! Lunch my favorite meal! And todays lunch is extra special! Ever since the weather got warm Ive been swatting flies and saving them in a jar. Finally I got enough bugs to mash them into a gooey paste with a spoon. Ill call it bug butter. Care for a taste? Tell me Calvin. Do you have any friends at all?
05/04/88
Ok youve all read the chapter so who can tell me whats important about the battle of Lexington? Anyone? Calvin how about you? Hard to say maam. I think my cerebellum just fused.
06/04/88
Hey Mom can we go out for hamburgers tonight? Not tonight dear. Aw Mom! Why not? Because Im already fixing something for dinner. Yeah ... I know.
07/04/88
Why does the sun set? Its because hot air rises. The suns hot in the middle of the day so it rises high in the sky. In the evening then it cools down and sets. Why does it go from east to west? Solar wind. Dear!
08/04/88
Im thinking of a number between one and seven hundred billion. Try to guess it. Eleven? Nope. guess again. Six million and four. Nope. Guess again. Whats the matter dont you like games??
09/04/88
Do you believe our destinies are determined by the stars? Nah. Oh I do. Really? How come? Lifes a lot more fun when youre not responsible for your actions.
10/04/88
Despite that amazing display of cunning reflex and physical prowess your tail still has a death grip on your butt. Could you stop the room please? Id like to get off.
11/04/88
Your polls dad. You dropped another five points. It seems that although your recognition factor is high the scandals of your administration continue to haunt you. Scandals? What scandals? Bedtimegate and homeworkgate come readily to mind. Instances of true leadership. History will vindicate me. I wonder what my new dad will look like.
12/04/88
Youll be glad to know Ive analyzed your poor showing in the polls. Ill bet. See your record in office is miserable and the character issue is killing you. Your basic approval rating among six-year-olds hardly registers. If anyone ever needed a slick ad campaign its you. Let me guess what you have in mind. The new Dad I call it.
13/04/88
I think the image we need to create for you is repentant but learning. You know show some humility and present yourself as a regular guy trying to learn the ropes of a difficult job. Difficult doesnt begin to describe it. I worked up some slogans. See what you think. Dad-gradually he catches on. Vote Dad! This time hell do better. To forgive is divine - vote Dad in 88. I get the idea Calvin.
14/04/88
If you want to stay Dad youve got to polish your image. My image. Right see now everyone think your insensitive to the legitimate needs of minors. A few magnanimous gestures while in office now might be in order. If your minds gone blank I have some suggestions. Oh the suspense. For example you might repeal mandatory school attendance. That alone could rocket you to victory.
15/04/88
Much as I appreciate your offer I dont need an image consultant. I prefer to let the wisdom of my words and deeds speak for themselves. In that case youll have a lot of time to write your memoirs. Well see. Now its past your bedtime. Dad buried in landslide! Jubliant throngs fill streets! Stunned father inconsolable-demands recount! Good night.
16/04/88
Eight nine ten! Here I come ready or not! All right give em back!
17/04/88
I call this lookout hill. Yes you can certainly see far from up here. I call it lookout hill because thats what you yell whenever we go down it. You know sometimes it seems things go by too quickly. Were so busy watching out for whats just ahead of us that we dont take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur. Often it takes some calamity to make us live in the present. Then suddenly we wake up and see all the mistakes weve made. But its too late to change anything. Its like ... its like ... Its like what? Its like SOMEthing ... I just cant think of it.
18/04/88
Here I am waiting for the bus. Eleven more years of school to go. Then college then maybe graduate school and then I work until I die. What kind of world is this?! You only get five years to be a kid?? What about exploring and discovering and playing? Those things are important too! Well you still have afternoons and weekends. Thats when I watch TV.
19/04/88
Look Hobbes I got a model airplane. Want to help me build it? Sure. Wow a Phantom jet. Look at all the little pieces. Here you put those pieces together and Ill do these. Then well stick yours on mine OK? Shouldnt we read the instructions? Do I LOOK like a sissy?
20/04/88
Hey these instructions are in three different languages. Uh oh I got glue on my hands. It starts in English but then it goes into French and Spanish. This stuff is worse than Mozzarella cheese. Its hard to believe this model is for ages six and up. Yecchh. What a mess. You have to be tri-lingual just to read the directions. I hope Mom likes this newspaper here on the floor because its sure not going anywhere.
21/04/88
Nuts! This wheel strut snapped. Why do they make em so darn small? I guess that was an optional piece. My wheel wont fit in the wheel well. Here let me try. Sometimes you just have to ... SNAP Darn it! This plane is in for some rough landings.
22/04/88
Look at this stupid model. It looks awful! Our plane doesnt look anything like the picture in the box. Maybe we can fix it when we paint it. I cant paint it like this. Look how good they did this. Howd they paint eyebrows on a pilot thats less than an inch tall?? I think thats a real jet superimposed on a plastic stand.
23/04/88
I hate this model. Nothing fit right the instructures were incomprehensible the decals ripped the paint slopped and the glue got everywhere. What a disaster. Six bucks completely down the drain. I cant think of an afternoon Ive enjoyed less. What a waste. What a dumb hobby. Of course with this for practice Ill bet we could do great on ANOTHER model! Lets get one of those clipper ships with all the riggings.
24/04/88
A voice cackles in Calvins radio. Enemy fighters at two oclock! Roger. What should I do until then? Calvins F-4 phantom screams across the sky! But whats this? The canopy glass is all smeared! He can hardly see through it! Oh no! THe throttle snaps off his hand! Calvins only hope is to land but the wheels refuse to open! Theyre stuck! Frantically Calvin tries to eject but the cockpit is fused together! His jet is a hopeless mess! Everything is going wrong! Stupid model.
25/04/88
Im not going to bed! I dont have to do what you say! I can do anything I want! ... uh ... heh heh Enjoy this while you can! Ill be a hulking surly teen-ager before you know it!!
26/04/88
Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real and youre just a reflection of HIM? If that was true youd disappear as soon as the person in the puddle moved away from the puddle right? Gee I guess so. I hadnt thought of that.
27/04/88
BANG! BANG! BANG! Ha! Thats six shots! Youre out of bullets! Ive got you now you rustles! ZAP! ZAP? My cattle prod.
28/04/88
Hey Susie guess what I have in my hands! Is it disgusting? Um ... well ... Is it some creepy gooey thing that no one in his right mind would ever ever want to look at? Uh ... I suppose that depends on your point of view ... Forget it. Im not guessing. You might as well. Youre nine-tenths there.
29/04/88
Mom was I ever a grub? A what? You know. A larva. Did I really pupate at age two? Dont be disgusting! Of course not! Where did you ever get that awful idea? You should get your stories straight with Mom Mr. Britannica!
30/04/88
How can you stand these cartoons? Theyre just half-hour commercials for toys. And when theyre not boring theyre preachy. And these characters dont even MOVE. They just stand around blinking! What kind of cartoon is THAT? Meet my Dad the Gene Siskel of Saturday morning TV.
01/05/88
Good night Calvin. ... all right where are you?! Calvin I thought I said to get ready for bed! Now hurry up! I cant! Im trapped in slow motion! Well youd better get in normal speed ... now! Ahh! Time snap!
02/05/88
Can I use the garden shovel? What do you want it for? Hobbes and I are going on an archealogical expedition. If youre looking for fossilized remains you should dig through your room. Ha ha. Someday Ill name an Australopithecus woman after you.
03/05/88
Ive been reading up on paleontology. Its amazing stuff. Scientists can tell how old something is just by analyzing the layers of dirt its in. Hey! Why you must be six years old. Oh youre a scream.
04/05/88
Archeologists dig slowly and carefully using small delicate tools. Each rock has to be painstakingly brushed and scraped so nothing is broken or missed. DIG DIG SCRAPE SCRAPE BRUSH BRUSH Archeologists have the most mind-numbing job on the planet. I dont think your Dad will want to shave with this tomorrow.
05/05/88
Hey look! I hit something! Dont break it! Dig carefully! Gosh what do you suppose it is? Dust it off so we can see. Its some bizarre skull. Look at its mouth. Maybe its a prehistoric anteater.
06/05/88
Wow! I cant believe we found a dinosaur skull on our very first archealogical dig. Its completely intact too! What a discovery! Maybe the rest of the skeleton is nearby! Yeah! If we can find the whole thing well be world famous! With the grant money well get we can buy a Porsche! How will THIS look on the cover of National Geographic?
07/05/88
I found another bone! I found another bone! Boy this is a weird one. What is it? It could be a forearm and fingers. I cant wait to see what the complete Calvinosaur looks like. I didnt know bones came in decorator colors did you?
08/05/88
The call goes out! Were on the move! Up through the winding maze! Faster! Faster! Calvin scrambles up the grainy tunnel! Out he pops into the blinding sun! Calvin the and rushes down the hill to the brick walk! Other ants rush around him in their mad hurry! Calvin tries to keep up! At least he reaches the monstrous dead caterpiller! Without pausing he hoists it up! The queen demands his tireless toil! Calvin is back off to the ant-hill as fast as he can go! Work work work! Thats what Im good for around here! I hardly think picking up your room once in a while qualifies you as a slave.
09/05/88
Gosh look at all the dinosaur bones we discovered. Lets glue them together so we can see how they fit. Then you can draw a reconstruction of the actual dinosaur. After that well write up our findings and get them published in a scientific journal. Then well win the Nobel prize get righ and go on talk shows. What about babes? When do we get those?
10/05/88
Well. Heres the complete skeleton as near as I can figure out. Try to draw the dinosaur as it really looked with muscles and skin. Whats it doing? Whistling? You tell me. Maybe its puckering up.
11/05/88
See the dinosaur skeleton we discovered and assembled? Im going to call the natural history museum and tell them they can have it for ten billion dollars. Those are ... um ... peculiar bones. Do you think I should ask for more money? Thats not QUITE what I meant.
12/05/88
Mom says she doesnt think weve found a skeleton at all. She says we just dug up some trash somebody littered. Our dinosaur is a fraud. I guess it wouldnt be right to sell it to a museum then. Not at full price anyway.
13/05/88
Psst ... Susie! Can I copy your paper? NO. CALVIN!
14/05/88
AAAUGHH! I SKINNED MY KNEE! OOH! OW! AAUGHHH! OW! OW!
15/05/88
This is Calvin your captain speaking ... just to reassure you that yes there is someone up front. Calvin pilots the jet airliner across the country at 35000 feet. He is given clearance to land. But what is this? A plane from a rival airplane is making for the same runway to shave precious minutes off its schedule! Its a 600 mph game of chicken! Calvin pulls back on the throttle and lurches ahead! The other pilot tries to cut Calvin off with a sudden drop in altitude! Calvin switches on the fasten seat belt light in the cabin and does a barrel roll. At 5Gs Calvin hopes not to black out! As they close in on the runway the other pilot has no choice but to pull up and circle around again! Calvin wins! Hey Mom is it true I could get a pilots license at age 14? NO.
16/05/88
HOBBES! Youve got to help me! Im in big trouble! Whats the matter? You know how Dad said I could use his binoculars as longs as I was extra careful with them? Well I just broke them by accident! Now I need some advice. Should I run away or commit hara-kiri? Over the binoculars? Yeah. Maybe both.
17/05/88
Geez I cant believe I broke Dads binoculars! Hell blow every capillary in his body! Dad said I had to be very very careful with them and what do I do? I go and break them. Hell flay me alive! How did you do it anyway? I just dropped them. And they broke? Well I was tossing them at myself at the time as I ran down the sidewalk.
18/05/88
How much money do you have hobbes? Maybe we can buy Dad a new pair of binoculars before he gets home. Ive got thrity ... no thirty-five cents. Great. Ive got four dollars. Lets call the store. Hello? Id like to know how much a good pair of binoculars costs. ONE TO SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MY DADS GOING TO DO TO ME?!? He wont stop at killing you thats for sure. Uh UH.
19/05/88
I had no IDEA binoculars were so expensive! Were doomed! Were doomed! We? Why in the world did Dad let me use anything so valuable?! He shouldve KNOWN Id break them! He mustive been out of his mind! This is all HIS fault! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?! I suppose you COULD just tell him what happened ... ... and make my getaway when the coronary hits? Say THATs an idea!
20/05/88
Maybe we could GLUE Dads binoculars back together and he wouldnt even notice! You think? It depends. Was the casing just chipped a little or did the lens itself get cracked? Well maybe youd better look at it. Dont sneeze.
21/05/88
Maybe you should tell your MOM about the binoculars. And she can help somehow. Tell Mom?!? Are you crazy?? Now way! Why not? Youve got to tell SOMEONE. Maybe she can think of something. At times like these all Mom can think of is how long she was in labor with me.
22/05/88
I got a hit! I got a hit! Only because I LET you! Ha ha! A home run! You didnt touch all the bases! I did too. No you didnt. You didnt touch seventh base. Yes I did! I touched the water barrel right after the front porch. Thats not seventh base. Thats twelfth base! I thought the garage door was the twelfth. The garage door is the twenty-third base. You touched them all out of order. And you still didnt touch the secret base. The SECRET base?? Whats the secret base?! I cant tell you. Its a secret. I cant believe this moronic sport is our national pastime. Youre out. Give me a dollar.
23/05/88
Look at Dad calmly eating his dinner as if nothing was wrong. I know him. His Dad radar is beeping like crazy. He knows I broke SOMETHING he just doesnt know WHAT. He cant nail me until he knows for sure. Hell just wait. I know him. Hes going to just sit there eating and let me stew in my own guilt. He figures sooner or later Ill crack. Calvin? AUGH! I DID IT! I DID IT! IM SORRY! I DIDNT MEAN TO!! ... pass the uh ... the uh ...
24/05/88
YOU BROKE THE BINOCULARS?! DIDNT I TELL YOU TO BE EXTRA EXTRA CAREFUL WITH THEM?? ISNT THAT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID?! WELL?! THOSE BINOCULARS WERE BRAND NEW! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLES PROPERTY?!? I have an idea Dad. Lets pretend I already feel terrible about it and that you dontneed to rub it in any more.
25/05/88
I didnt MEAN to break your binoculars Dad. It was an accident. (sniff) Im really sorry. I felt like I was going to barf all afternoon. Well Im sorry I yelled at you like I did. I shouldnt have been so angry. After all it was just a pair of binoculars. In the big scheme of things thats really not so bad. (sniff) Really? Sure ... in another ten years youll probably be wrecking my CAR.
26/05/88
Hobbes look! Dad got me my own pair of little binoculars! Wow these are yours? Arent they great? Ill say. Dad said as long as I was going to break binoculars I ought to at least break my own. Now we can go to the beach and look at babes! Maybe I should break Dads power tools and see if I could get some of THOSE.
27/05/88
Wind wind wind RUMBLE RUMBLE POW! Either Im greatly deceived or someone opened a can of tuna in this vicinity. Yes ... all over this vicinity.
28/05/88
What a clear night! Look at all the stars. Millions of them! Yes were just tiny specks on a planet particle hurling through the infinite blackness. Lets go in and turn on all the lights.
29/05/88
Filth! Contamination! Pestilence! Ha ha ha! Of all living creatures few are more repulsive than Calvin the bug! He exists only to suck blood and transmit parasitic disease! Searching for someone to infect Calvin flies low over the picnic table! His sensitive antennae pick up the scent of human flesh! Touching down Calvin inserts his needlelike proboscis into a vein! Protozoans in his salive quickly induce plague! Will you stop that awful slurping?! Youre making me sick!
30/05/88
Dont move! Theres a bee on your back! There is? Showw it away! Quick! And have it come after ME? No thanks. Well what am I supposed to do? Stand like this all day? I guess you dont have much choice. Do you? Great. Just great. I could be here forever! Say that gives me an idea. Dont you go reading my comic books! Stay out of my room!
31/05/88
That rotten Hobbes! I cant move because Ive got a bee on my back so he goes to read all my comic books. He always gets them out of order and he folds the covers back! Ooh if I could only move! What kind of a friend would take advantage of a predicament like this? A lousy friend thats what kind! What a stinker he is! Hey did you see how the latest issue of Captain Napalm ended? Dont tell me! Dont tell me!
01/06/88
Hobbes if you tell me how my comic book ends Ill kill you. Ive waited all month to find out. Ill give you a hint OK? Captain Napalm takes his nuclear ... NO HINTS! NO HINTS! By golly you hairball if I didnt have a bee on my back right now Id ... Maybe theres a bee and maybe there isnt. ILL never tell. WHAT?! Is the bee gone? Can I move? Tell me! Is it still there?? Huh? Rrggh! Is it?!
02/06/88
Is the bee still on me or not? Im not telling. You called me a hairball. OK OK Im sorry. Youre not a hairball. Now is the bee there or not? No. Good. Now I ... OWW!! I meant No there IS a bee. Today is opposite day! Dont forget ... at midnight opposite day is over OK? Yes.
03/06/88
Im not having dinner tonight. Oh no? Nope. Im just going to eat cookies in front of the TV. You young man are going to sit at the table and eat what Ive fixed just like the rest of us. Oh yeah thats what I meant.
04/06/88
Hello Im wondering if you sell kegs of dynamite. You dont? How about plastic explosives? Youre kidding. Well what about land mines? Do you sell those? ... You dont? Look Im trying to send a girl I know into deep space. Perhaps you could suggest something.
05/06/88
FWOOSH As if life isnt short enough.
06/06/88
You know what we need Hobbes? We need an attitude. An attitude? Yeah. You cant be cool if you dont have an attitude. Really? Sure. Theyre all the rage. Now what kind of attitude could WE have? We could be courteously deferential. Oh good. Thats REAL cool.
07/06/88
Ive decided to be a fatalist. All events are preordained and unalterable. Whatever will be will be. That way if anything bad happens its not my fault. Its fate. TRIP WAUGH! Too bad you were fated to do that. THAT WASNT FATE!
08/06/88
Do you think grown-ups will have the world fixed up by the time they hand it over to us? Not the way theyre going. Thats what I thought. I guess that means its up to US then. Somehow Im not reassured. Ha! When Im president Ill have things whipped into shape in no time.
09/06/88
Either weve got to get a catcher or youve got to improve your pitching.
10/06/88
Gosh it sure looks like rain. Rain? What are you talking about? There isnt a cloud in the sky! You dont think it looks like rain? No. Go away and stop being silly.
11/06/88
OK out of the hammock. What do you mean? This isnt YOUR hammock. Its MY turn. I was here first. Its your turn when Im done. If you wont get out then Im coming in with you. Lick heck you are! This crummy hammock always sags.
12/06/88
Do you see any snapping turtles eels or leeches in there? Nope. So far our expedition is a failure. Hows the water? Absolutely frigid. My feet are completely numb. If I go in just a half inch every ten minutes I can stand it. Getting your swimsuit wet is the worst part though. As soon as it touches the water it soaks up and clings to you and gets you wet before youre ready. Why dont you just jump in and get it over with? Are you kidding? The shock would kill me! Its better to go in a wee bit at a time. No its better to do it all at once. Its worse to drag it out. You mustve been dropped when you were little. Ill show you! Look out! NO! NO! NO! SPLOOSH! Brr-r-r-r! Maybe you were right. WELL NEVER NOW NOW WILL WE?!?
13/06/88
Hey look! Mom and Dad are throwing duffel bags in the car. Theyre going on vacation! At last! Finally we get the house to ourselves! We can stay up late and watch TV! We can eat cookies for dinner! We ... What are you doing up here still? Cmon lets go. Me? Go? Where? On vacation! What have we been planning all month? With you and Mom?? What kind of vacation is THAT?!
14/06/88
So where are we going? I sure hope were not camping again this year? Well we are. Oh no! Why do we have to go camping?! I HATE camping! Swatting mosquitoes while lying frozen and cramped on bumpy rocks. With no TV and only canned food to eat is NOT my idea of a good time! Thats why we brought bug spray. Look just let me out here OK? Ill hitch home and see you when you get back all right?
15/06/88
Remember last year when it rained all week? It poured so hard we couldnt even make a fire. Without question that was one of the worst experiences of my life. Yes but it built character. Oh sure. Why cant I ever build character at a Miami condo or a casino somewhere?
16/06/88
Well here we are! Home away from home! OK Calvin. You get out with your Mom and Ill hand our gear to you. Now dont drop this. Its very ... oops. Dont worry Dad. Its only about ten feet deep. I can see that camera and everything. Im going to feed you to the sea gulls kid. Dear you came here to relax.
17/06/88
Gosh this waters cold! Here thats all I could find down there. Go get me a towel Calvin. It never fails. The one bag the kid dumps in the drink has all the fragile and perishable items in it. Well the week can only improve from here. One would like to THINK so. Hey Dad did you mean to stack the tackle box and all this on your glasses?
18/06/88
Boy dont go near Dad. What a grouch! I dont see why he cant be civil just because I accidentally dropped a duffel bag overboard and he broke his glasses. Are you going to tell him he left the car lights on back where we got the canoe? I think YOU should tell him.
19/06/88
Whats the score? Ten billion to one my favor. ITS NOT! Then keep track yourself. WHAP! Ha! It went straight up! Easy out! Easy out! Youre not even going to run eh? I dont blame you. Youre as good as out. Bink! YOU CANT DO THAT! Thats two hits in one pitch! This run counts double!
20/06/88
Hey Mom Dad and I are going fishing. Dont you want to come along? Uggh no. The last thing I want to see at this ungodly hour is a bunch of slimy fish gasping and flopping in the slop at the bottom of a boat. All ID like to see is a decent newspaper a fresh muffin and a pot of real coffee. Whyd we ever come HERE then? Go ask Conan the Barbarian. Cmon Calvin. Ill teach you to put a work on a hook.
21/06/88
Ahhh what a day! Up at dawn! Fresh air! Tranquility! No demands no phones no pressure! The whole day is ones own! Isnt this great? Isnt this the life? Spaceman Spiff a prisoner on the Zong slave galley plans his daring overboard escape! Ahh what a day!
22/06/88
Gosh I could look at the stars all night. Without the streetlights or pollution here it seems like you can see forever into space. SNAP CRUNCH Of course if youve seen one star youve seen them all. True true. Shall we mosey on the back to the tent?
23/06/88
Look Mom the water is up to my knees. See? See? Look Mom! The waters up to my knees. See? Look where the water is! Now look! The water is HIGHER than my knees! See? Look Mom! See? Im enthralled Calvin. YOURE NOT EVEN LOOKING!
24/06/88
Watcha doin Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. Whats that thing? A brontosaurus with rabies? Its that island over there. Oh. How far can you see without your glasses? Can you see ME? When I look up Id better not be able to.
25/06/88
Hi Mom! Mm. Dads painting a picture but its not coming out so hot and hes in a really stinky mood. Its like I asked him one little question and he nearly bit my head off! I mean its not as if I ruined his lousy picture right? Why should ... CALVIN CANT YOU SEE IM TRYING TO READ? Ever notice how tense grown-ups get when theyre recreating?
26/06/88
Si-i-i-i-ix ... fi-i-i-i-ive ... four-r-r-r ... threetwoone TAG! Youre it! THATS NOT FAIR! TAG! I GOTCHA! OK now Im it and I have to catch YOU. But what about a penalty? Dont you go to jail and do pushups first? No Im just it. There arent any penalties. None?? Dont I even get free hits? Free hits?! NO you dont get free hits! Just like on the arm? I think you should have to get hit on the arm. I dont have to get hit at ALL! Well what about an Indian burn then? Or noogies? Can I give you noogies? NO! IM JUST IT! THATS ALL THAT HAPPENS! OK OK! Thats all that happens. Sheesh. If you ask ME though any game without push-ups hits or noogies is a sissy game.
27/06/88
Theres nothing to DO here. Thats sort of the point dont you think? Its good to stop running around. Sometimes one should just look at things and think about things without DOING things. Youre certainly the expert on THAT. What I like is when youre looking and thinking and looking and thinking ... and suddenly you wake up.
28/06/88
Mom can Hobbes come in swimming with me? I dont think hed better Calvin. WHY NOT? Um ... tigers dont swim very well. They dont? Frankly Im not sure your Mom knows so much about tigers. Look we just want to avoid an argument right?
29/06/88
OK Calvin start packing up. Were going home. Now now. These little outings are valuable experience. Yeah? How? They give us a chance to be together as a family and learn about ourselves. Like how we cant stand being in such close proximity with one another this long? Exactly.
30/06/88
Z. Look at you. All you do is lie in the sun. I have to. How come? Tigers tummies are solar cells. Year right.
01/07/88
Are you hot? Not really why? It seems warm to me. Arent you a LITTLE hot? Nope. Not even a wee bit? Just a smidgen? What have you got behind your back?
02/07/88
SUSIE QUICK! GET HELP! Somebody filled my sandbox with quicksand! Im sinking fast! Ack! Rrghh! Oh right. Give me a break. Your gender would be a lot more tolerable if it wasnt so darn cynical.
03/07/88
Spaceman Spiff explores the outermost reaches of the universe. By popular request. Intrepid explorer Spaceman Spiff lands on an uncharted planet. What strange wonders will he discover here? Spiff sets out in search of sentient life! What a strange planet this is! Its surface is surpisingly soft and porous. And here curious geysers blast hot air! Suddenly it dawns on him! Spiff is not on the planets surface at all! Hes walking on a reclining alien!! Our hero sets his death ray blaster. Zz.. mmf hm?
04/07/88
This probably just goes to show something but I sure dont know what.
05/07/88
Theres quite a breeze up here. Im really moving. Theres the river and the town triangle. HEY DOWN THERE! My name is Calvin! Tell my tiger Hobbes Im blowing away on a balloon! CAN ANYONE HERE ME? TELL HOBBES HE CANT READ MY COMIC BOOKS JUST CAUSE IM NOT AROUND OK? ... OH YEAH TELL MY PARENTS WHAT HAPPENED TOO ALL RIGHT? HELLO? HELLO?
06/07/88
Uh oh Im heading into a flock of ducks. Excuse me! Coming through! Pardon me! Gangway! Beep beep! ... Boy if looks could kill.
07/07/88
My hands are getting tired. Ill tie the balloon string onto my belt loop. There ... WHOOP SHOOF If a plane comes along now Im going to die.
08/07/88
Well I suppose things dont get worse than hanging from a helium balloon a mile above some unrecognized state. Of course my grip could weaken or I could get sucked into a jet intake. Thats one of the remarkable things about life. Its never so bad that it cant get worse.
09/07/88
Boy Im just going higher and higher. I suppose eventually the pressure in the balloon will be greater than the air pressure around it and the balloon will ... POP!
10/07/88
Heres Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. You might like this story. Yeah? How good can it be if it hasnt been made into an animated TV show? I hope tonights story isnt as boring as LAST nights was. It put me right to sleep. Dont worry. THIS story will keep you up all night. Really? What is it? Its called The disembodied hand that strangled people. Gosh this is great! How creepy! I NEVER get a scary story! A disembodied hand! Wow! And now you know whats REALLY scary? They never found it! To this day nobody knows where the hand is. In fact the hand could ... OH NO! THERE IT IS! ITS G-GOT ME!! GAKK!! ... Calvin? ... Calvin? ... I shouldve thought of that years ago.
11/07/88
This has got to be a dream. Whenever you fall two miles up in the sky you look down gasp and suddenly wake up. GASP GASP GASP GASP GASP
12/07/88
I wonder if my life will flash before my eyes. Thats the problem with being six years old ... my life wont take very long to watch. Maybe I can get a few slow-motion replays of the time I smacked Susie upside the head with a slushball.
13/07/88
Say I wonder if I have any gum in my pocket. I could blow a big bubble and ... Nope. No gum. Lets try THIS pocket. MY TRANSMOGRIFIER GUN!! Boy these things come in handy all the time.
14/07/88
I forgot all about my transmogrifier gun! Now I have nothing to worry about! Ill just point it at myself and transmogrify! Im safe! ZAP
15/07/88
Where have you been?? Ive been calling and calling. Youre dinners cold Im sure. I drifted away on my balloon and it popped but fortunately I had my transmogrifier so after I mistakenly turned myself into a safe I transmogrified into a light particle and zipped back home instantaneously. ... Of course If Id known we were having THIS I wouldnt have hurried. Sometime you should try transmogrifying yourself into someone who occasionally makes an ounce of sense.
16/07/88
Calvin Id like you to pick up all the sticks and fallen branches in the yard so I can mow it. Will you pay me? Well ... OK Ill pay you a dollar. A dollar? I wont do it for less than twenty-five!! In a minute youll do it for nothing just because I told you to. ... Ill take the dollar. Smart kid.
17/07/88
I GOT A HIT! SAFE! OK that was a single. I have a ghost runner here now so I can bat again. And my ghost runners who were on first and second base are now on second and third right? Nope theyre both out. OUT? My ghost outfielder tagged your ghost going to third and thre to my ghost second baseman. It was a brilliant double play. THAT NEVER HAPPENED! Youve got two outs. Well my ghost on first just stole home so Ive got another run! Ha ha smarty! Yeah well all my outfield ghosts just ran in and beat the tobacco juice out of him. Ha! The ghost umpire just suspended all your ghosts for eternity. Theyre out of the game. Hmph! If my ghosts dont play I dont play. You forfeit the game then! You lose automatically if you quit! The ghost crowd supports me. Theyre boo-ing you! Sometimes I wish I lived in a neighborhood with more kids.
18/07/88
Lets go Calvin! Were all ready! Boy I havent been to the zoo in ages. And Calvins never been there. This will be fun. Ive been telling him about it all week. Hes so excited. CMON CALVIN! So WHERE do we have to go now? Beats ME. Mom and Dad are always dragging us to SOME dumb place.
19/07/88
How come alligators are in this big pit? So they dont get out and eat people. Does the zoo ever throw anyone in? Dont be silly. Of course not. How soon until we got hom?
20/07/88
Look! Monkeys! See how they use their tails and feet to climb? Zoos let people see how wild animals really behave. Hey look what THAT monkeys doing! Right in public too! Ha ha! Thats gross! How come IM not allowed to do that?! Come look at the birds over here Calvin.
21/07/88
What do you think of the zoo? I think its kind of depressing. I always feel sorry for the animals. They dont have much room to move or anything to do. They just sleep until theyre fed. Thats pretty much all YOU do. You know what I mean.
22/07/88
Hey those kids are feeding the animals! Mom can I get some peanuts to feed the animals? Im not your Mom. WHOOP Are you lost? What does your Mom look like? From the knees down she looks just like you.
23/07/88
Gosh I followed that lady halfway around the zoo thinking she was my Mom. Why dont Moms write their names on their calves so this kind of thing wouldnt happen? I wonder where I am. And wheres Hobbes? I thought he was right with me. Uh oh. Wheres Calvin? Why do these little family trips always turn out this way? Im going to spend more Saturdays at the office.
24/07/88
Rustle rustle zing! WHAM! We tigers just LIVE for that! Not for long you wont!
25/07/88
Heres Hobbes but wheres Calvin? I dont see him. Where could he have gone? We just turned our backs for a minute. And why didnt he take Hobbes? You stay here in case he comes back and Ill go look for him. OK. (sigh) Being a parent is wanting to hug and strangle your kid at the same time.
26/07/88
Sheesh. Calvin could be anywhere in this zoo. I hope he at least has the sense to stay put wherever he is. Where would the little rotter go if he was lost and separated from his stuffed toy? HIS NAME IS HOBBES AND HES ... HEY IM TALKING TO YOU!! TIGERS Panthera Tigris
27/07/88
I know! Maybe Calvint at the tiger pit since he likes tigers so much. Ha ha maybe Calvins IN the tiger pit since he likes tigers so much.
28/07/88
You found him! Thank goodness! Where was he? Looking at the tigers. I followed another lady thinking it was Mom and then when I realized I was lost I went to ask the tigers if theyd seen Hobbes. Next time you should ask a PERSON for help. ... Oh ... that never occurred to me. Only next time there wont BE a next time because were just going to tie you to a stake in the yard ever weekend. Dear! A fat lot of help your compatriots were I might add.
29/07/88
Do you know what day it is? Nope. Why? Oh no reason. I was just curious. I sure like summer vacation.
30/07/88
So you want some water huh? Well Ive got a big can of it here. Its up to ME to decide whether you get water or not! I control your fate! Your very LIVES are in my hands. Without ME youre as good as dead! Without ME you dont ...
31/07/88
Wow! How did you ever get so muddy? Well I was just standing there minding my own business when all of a sudden a horde of dirty cannibals comes ... forget it. Boy what a delightful afternoon. Sometimes I feel like I work all the time to afford this place and I never get to sit back with a good book and enjoy it. Well at least I have the weekends to ... CALVIN! YOU GOT MUD ALL OVER THE HOUSE! LOOK AT YOU! AIEE - THE COUCH! WHATD YOU DO?! DID YOU WALK ACROSS THE COUCH?! I DIDNT DO IT! SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE! I JUST SAW A MUDDY GUY GO RUNNING FROM ... OUT! OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW! OK OK! IM GOING! YOU DONT NEED TO PUSH! I CAN TELL WHEN IM NOT WANTED! HEY! LEGGO! OW! ALL RIGHT GOODBYE! Hey Dad catch the water balloon! Great reflexes Dad. By the way dont go in the house like that. Moms in one of her moods again. Ill bet I could get a lot of work done at office on weekends.
01/08/88
Mom? What Calvin? You know the living room couch? What about it? Dont you think its too wide? I was just ASKING!
02/08/88
Wind wind RUMBLE Oh no! POW! IT WASNT TUNA! IT WAS PINEAPPLE! SEE?! All cans sound the same.
03/08/88
The problem with having a tiger for a friend is that he always appears out of nowhere coming at you at 90 miles an hour! AAH! *Whew* I thought I heard him. ... Gosh my heart is still pounding. Where IS he?? Oh THERES Hobbes. Thank goodness. You havent been looking well Calvin. Maybe you should go to bed earlier.
04/08/88
Boy what a beautiful summer morning huh Dad? Too bad you cant stay home to enjoy it. When youre old youll be sorry you never took advantage of days like these but of course thats far off and in the meantime theres lots of work to be done. Yep youd better go to work have a good long drive in traffic. Maybe youll get home in time to watch the sun set ... if you can stay awake. So long! Golly Id hate to have a kid like me.
05/08/88
What would you do if I creamed you with this water balloon right now? Take the worst thing you can imaging and imagine something a hundred times worse than that. Youd do THAT? No Id do something even worse. He piqued my curiosity.
06/08/88
BIP WHEEEE.
07/08/88
The race will finish at that trr OK? This tree? Right. Readysetgo I win! On your mark ... get set ... Go! Hey! Leggo! OW! Stop that! MMF RRG PUFF PUFF FINISH! Oof. Ten minutes! Thats our best time yet for the 50-yard dash!
08/08/88
What are you doing with all your Dads tools in the bathroom? This faucet drips so Im going to fix it. YOURE going to fix it? Thats what I said. ... And you can keep your comments to yourself Dr Doom. I didnt say anything.
09/08/88
Fixing a faucet is easy. All you do is take it apart see whats leaking plug it up and put it back together. Does your Mom know youre doing this? Nope. Its going to be a surprise. And we all know how she loves surprises. I cant get this handle off. Pass me the hacksaw will you?
10/08/88
Arent you supposed to turn off the water before you take apart the faucet? Thats the problem Im trying to fix you moron! I cant turn the water off because the faucet leaks! Sheesh where were YOU when they were passing out brains? OH NO! AUGHH! ACKK! Ill get you some paper and carbons for your written apology.
11/08/88
Hobbes quick! How do you turn off the water?!? How should I know?? I cant put this piece back in with all this water coming out! Ill get your Mom! MY MOM? Have you lost your mind? She cant find out about this! Ill bet she notices when the kitchen ceiling starts to drip. Open the medicine cabinet! Find some cyanide!
12/08/88
La da dee dee da I think Ill get a bucket ... dum de doo ... Nothings wrong ... da dee doo ba ... I just want a bucket to hold some stuf. Ta tum ta tum. Lets see how many buckets do we have? Dum de doo. No cause for alarm. No need to panic ... I just want a few buckets. La la. YOUR turn.
13/08/88
Calvin what are you doing? Im ... uh ... going to the bathroom. Is everything all right? Fine! Dont come up! FLUSH
14/08/88
Dinosaurs everywhere flee for their lives! Calvin is coming. The late cretaceous: the last epoch of the mighty dinosaurs. King of the thunder lizards is the fearsome Calvin the tyrannosaurus! Seven tons of muscle and teeth he searches for his prey! Calvin for goodness sake stop stomping around! Youre driving me crazy! OW! CHOMP! How did the fearsome tyrannosaurus become extinct? Now we know!
15/08/88
Whats all that water I hear? Im coming in! Oh my gosh! ACKPBT! WHATS GOING ON?!? SPLUTB! BPLPTH! There! I got the water off. ALL RIGHT CALVIN WHERE ARE YOU?! H-hi Dad. Its the end of the world Calvin.
16/08/88
Look at this bathroom! What on earth were you DOING?! Nothing Dad! I was just here looking for some dental floss when PLOOIE! The faucet handle blows sky high all by itself! It ... it ... uh ... What I mean is Hobbes was fooling around with your tools. I tried to stop him but he wouldnt listen and sure enough he went and ... and ... One more try. Aliens Dad! Big evil bug-eyed monsters from Pluto! They did it and made me swear not to tell!
17/08/88
Boy Dad sure blew his stack THAT time didnt he?? What a sorehead! Listening to HIM youd think nobody in the world had ever needed to all a plumber before. Dads got a job. He can afford it. Dad makes such a big deal out of everything. When he does I sure wish youd stop trying to pin your crimes on ME. Oh now YOURE going to start on me TOO huh?
18/08/88
WAP Is this yours? No. What is it? For a girl shes remarkably perceptive.
19/08/88
No text.
20/08/88
Give me some cookies or I light the fuse and send us all to kingdom come. What did you do stick a piece of string into a hot dog? For heavent sake dont waste food Calvin. Give me that. Can I have any cookies? No. Go play outside. I sure wish I could get my hands on some REAL dynamite. Can I have the hot dog or did your Mom take it?
21/08/88
I brought a scary story out so were all set. Whats it called? The hideous monster who waits in your back yard to dismember you. Gosh this is the creepiest story Ive ever heard! Dont stop. Keep reading. Slowly the bog monster approached the innocent campers. Fangs glistening in the moonlight it ... What was that noise? Oh stop it. This is scary enough. No really. I heard something! Listen! SNAP! Its the bog monster! Oh no!! Oh no!! Quick turn out the flashlight! Lie still! CRUNCH CRACK Its coming this way! Were doomed! Its getting closer and closer! ZIPPPPP! Oh my gosh its... its opening the tent flap! Its coming in! AIEE! There it is! Blind it with the flashlight! Pull down the tent poles! Run Hobbes RUN! What are you doing in here?! Wheres your Dad? He just went out to check on you. The bog monster mustve got him! WHERES THAT KID?!
22/08/88
Everything floats randomly in the romm! Theres no gravity! Calvin pushes off the ceiling at a sharp angle aiming for the hallway! He glides with unchecked momentum turning himself to be able to push off the next stationary surface. Cmon you! Outside! Youre really bouncing off the walls today. Aw Mom!
23/08/88
Extra pants... Three shirts two seaters two sweatshirts... Another pair of pants... Still trying to learn to ride that bicycle eh? I dont need any comments from you.
24/08/88
A shadow falls over the large city skyscrapers! Its a gigantic ant! With one footstep it pulverizes the entire downtown! Millions die instantly! The ant brushes the city off the map! People flood the streets in panic only to be smashed in the horrible wreckage! Well... maybe I wont...
25/08/88
What are you doing Susie? Drawing on the sidewalk. Wow! Can I too? Sure. Heres some chalk. Gosh Ive never been a vandal before! This isnt vandalism. It washes right off!
26/08/88
OK I feel one coming. Are you ready? Ready. ACHOOO POOF Did you get it? Yep! See here it comes. Boy thats a good one! Why cant my school portraits ever look like this?
27/08/88
Dont come in here! Why not? Im roasting. Youll get hair in the water. Go do something else. HEY! Stop that! HEY! HEY! You think youve won huh? Well Im not even going to TELL you what I did. ACKPTH!
28/08/88
Well summer is almost over it sure went quick didnt it? Yep. Theres never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
29/08/88
TRIP BAP WHACK BAP
30/08/88
Im hungry. Too bad. Breakfast isnt until tomorrow. My tummys growling. Hush. Most people dont sleep well next to a hungry tiger. Sometimes I sure wish I had a dog. More tuna and less mayonnaise.
31/08/88
Oh no! Theres a tyrannosaurus in the grocery store! The dinosaur heads for the meat department and devours the butcher! Shoppers everywhere flee for their lives! Its mayhem destruction and carnage in the aisles! Oh no! Calvin cant I take you ANYWHERE?! Now the tyrannosaurus wants cookies!
01/09/88
Planet Calvin moves across the solar system. Nobody notices until his orbit takes him directly between the sun and earth. Calvin causes a total solar eclipse! Earch is shrouded in darknes. How long will Calvin stay there? Could you move please? Youre in my light. HA HA HAAA!
02/09/88
Election day is coming up. Have you decided on a running mate? Sure. You cant be elected Dad without a MOM right? Are you going to keep the Mom Ive had or get a NEW running mate? Gee... Bedtime Calvin. Of course Ill stick with your Mom. Aww.
03/09/88
I think rituals are important. MY favorite ritual is eating three bowls of chocolate frosted sugar bombs and watching TV cartoons all Saturday morning. After a few hourse Im so overstimulated I cant sit still or even think straight. Sort of a transcendental experience huh? Yeah. I achieve a lower consciousness.
04/09/88
Can I have a different plate Mom? Why? Somebody puked on mine. Just eat your dinner and keep quiet OK Calvin? EWWWW MMF! HOOPA ARGH! FLIP FLOP BLAHHHHHHH TWITCH TWITCH Oh knock it off Calvin its hamburger casserole. Theres not a thing in there you dont like. This is HAMBURGER? Chew Chew Hmm... This bit wasnt so bad for some reason. I was able to choke it down anyway. My stomach is still cramping up but the pains arent as sharp any more. The secret is to suppress the gag reflex. After I swallow it I can stand it. Good Im glad this is such a hit.
05/09/88
All right all right! Im GOING! Hey! Leggo! I can walk myself! I just have to... OK! Look Im going! Im going! Sure you think schools great NOW. But in a couple of hourse youll MISS me! Youll see!
06/09/88
There goes Calvin off to school. He sure put up a fuss. Well hell have fun once he gets there. See hes even running now. Hes all excited about... HEY! CALVIN. THE BUS STOP IS THAT WAY! COME BACK HERE!
07/09/88
I cant believe Im here waiting to go to school. What happened to summer? Gosh I couldnt WAIT for today! Soon well be making new friends learning all sorts of important things and... Whats the matter with YOU?? Your bangs do a good job of covering up the lobotomy stitches.
08/09/88
I pledge allegiance... to Queen Fragg... and her mighty state of hysteria... Its going to be a long year.
09/09/88
Hey Calvin youre on my swing. Get lost. Im not scared of you Moe. Oh no? Nope. Youre so dumb you probably never thought about how a sparrows smaller size and maneuverability is an advantage in fighting off big crows. Yeah? Those TV nature programs will be the death of me yet.
10/09/88
Yes Calvin? May I be excused please? Again? I have to go. Bad. All right. Thank you. What are YOU doing home?! I had to go.
11/09/88
So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Lets go!! Shed never have found me if I hadnt sneezed. Ill give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Lets see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if its me in the tub. OK its a deal. In fact for another 25 cents Ill take your Wednesday batch too. Wow! Really? I could never take a bath again! La de da da dum dum Im washing my arms now! Whoops! Dropped the soap! Now Im washing my face! OK you can come out now. Thats long enough. Boy that was easy. A few weeks of this and Ill be rich! Not so long with the drier. Mom will get suspicious. Im not all dry yet. There! We made it. Now keep a straight face. Good night. Give me a kiss. BLECHH! Youre filty. Didnt you hear me take a batch?? See? My towel is wet! See? See? I want my quarter back. Forget it. Its as good as spent.
12/09/88
Have you been reading the papers? Grown-ups really have the world fouled up. Acid rain toxic wastes holes in the ozone sewage in the oceans and on and on! The only bright side to all this is that eventually there may not be a piece of the planet worth fighting over.
13/09/88
Youre packing? Yep. Get your toothbrush Hobbes were outta here. Its an outrage how grown-ups have polluted the earth! I refuse to inherit a spoiled plant! Im LEAVING! Really? Where to?? You know sometimes youre a real load to have around. I was just ASKING!
14/09/88
How about Mars? We could go there to avoid Earths pollution. Yeah! If we go NOW we can claim it and keep everyone else off it. OK its settled. Mars it is. You finish packing. Ill go get the wagon. Were going in the wagon? Of course! What did YOU want to do? Flap your arms? I guess I hadnt thought about that part. Obviously.
15/09/88
So long Mom. Hobbes and I are going to Mars to live. Earth is too polluted. Have a good time. Say goodbye to Dad for us. If I can find an interplanetary post offce Ill write to you once in a while and ... Calvin dont stand there with the door open. Youre letting in the bugs. Either stay in or go outside. She didnt seem to choked up about us going did she? We shouldve left a long time ago.
16/09/88
BLAST OFF! Do you really think well get enough lift to break Earths gravity? Of course! You think I didnt plan this out?! I thought of everything. Did you think of what youll eat on our trip? Packing was YOUR job! Didnt you pack us any FOOD?? I packed food for ME...
17/09/88
We did it! We cleared Earths orbit! Mars here we come! Are you sure this is the way? What? You didnt bring the map?!
18/09/88
Call it. Tails. OK best two out of three. OOOMPH Lets change this to TOUCH football OK?
19/09/88
Space travel makes you realize just how small we really are. When you see Earth as a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space you have to wonder about the mysteries of creation. Surely were all part of some great design no more or less important than anything else in the Universe. Surely everything fits together and has a purpose a reason for being. Doesnt it make you wonder? I wonder what happens if you throw up in zero gravity. Maybe you should wonder what its like to walk home.
20/09/88
Hang on! Were coming in through Mars atmosphere. BONK BONK Weve landed! Were the first ones to ever set foot on another planet! What a historic moment! I still cant believe you forgot the camera. I remembered it. YOU just didnt want to turn around.
21/09/88
See any signs of Martian life? Not yet... Hey look! Its the old Viking spacecraft that landed here in the 70s. Gosh I wonder if its still working. BLAHHHH HOOP HOOP BOOLA BOOLA ACKACKACK That ought to blow some circuits at NASA! Hee Hee Hee! Ive always wanted to do something like that.
22/09/88
Well this is our new home. I guess we should unpack and set up camp. Comic books... comic books... tuna... some candy bars... more tuna... toothbrushes... a can opener... looks like were all set. Whats this? A night light. I thought it might be scary sleeping on a new planet. Boy you thought of everything. Now we have to find an outlet.
23/09/88
Yep Mars may be a little dull but its better than earth. CRUNCH CRUCH Weve got a whole planet to ourselves. Brand new and unspoiled. No people. No pollution. Nothing but rugget natural beauty as far as the eye can see. Thats not your candy bar wrapper over there is it? It was just there a minute! I wasnt going to leave it.
24/09/88
I dont know about you but I LIKE it here on Mars. I do too. Its very peaceful. Not only that but we dont have MOM here to boss us around! No early bedtime no baths no disgusting dinners no... Did that rock just move?? MOMMMMM!!
25/09/88
You know what would make this house a lot better? No what? You should take out the stairs and put me in an elevator. Good. Ill file that with your idea for a moving sidewalk. Oh no! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! WHOAAA OWW ... WWCH! Did you fall down the stairs AGAIN?! Thats me. (Oof) the human slinky.
26/09/88
Oh my gosh that rock moved! Theres something under it! It must be a Martian! Oh no! Oh no! Its probably some creepy tentacled bug-eyed monster! Youre right! Theres a tentacle now! Its coming out! What will we do?! AAUGHHHHH
27/09/88
Is the Martian still out there? Ill take a peek. I dont see him. He must have hidden. Hidden?? Do you think hes scared of us? Why not? WERE scared of HIM. Yeah but WERE just ordinary earthlings not weirdos from another planet like HE is.
28/09/88
Why do you think the Martian hid from us? Maybe Martians dont like Earthlings. Dont like us?! Whats not to like?? Theres nothing wrong with humans! Hey you Martian! Come on out! Were not bad! We just came here because our people polluted our own planet so much that ... uh... what I mean is... um... So what are you saying? That our reputation has preceded us? Would you welcome in a dog that wasnt house-trained?
29/09/88
I guess we should go home to Earth. Yeah we may not be welcome here. We ought to fix up our own planet before we go messing around with other peoples planets. After all theres only one Earth and its got to last us a while. We also should go home because were clean out of tuna. I hope Mom and Dad didnt rent out my room.
30/09/88
Theres Earth. Were almost home. Look you can see the continents. Hmm... if I remember my atlas we live in a big purple country. And our house is by the giant letter E in the word States.
01/10/88
Hi Dad! Guess what Hobbes and I did! We went to Mars! Well well. Yep. We were going to live there because Earth is so polluted but we discovered that Mars is inhabited so we came back home. You didnt like the Martians? No they didnt like US. I think they were afraid wed junk up Mars the way weve junked up Earth. Whats my good briefcase doing out and why does it smell like tuna fish?! And can you believe it Dad? We go clear to Mars and dumb ol Hobbes forgets the camera!
02/10/88
Uh-oh. Something is very wrong here. Calvin has mysteriously shrunk to a quarter of an inch tall! How can he make his plight known to his parents when he is smaller than a penny? Calvin gets an idea! He grabs the leg of a passing housefly and flies to his Dads camera! Once there he climbs up and sets the self-timer. Jumping on the shutter Calvin has 15 short seconds to get in front of the lens. With luck Calvins Dad will have the film developed soon and discover what has happened. What happened?! Look at all these terrible pictures! I dont remember taking these. Whos that little speck in the distance all the time? You havent been fooling with my camera have you? ME? Heck no. Maybe you should get the camera fixed.
03/10/88
For show and tell I have brought a space alien I captured in my back yard. Yes for the last two days Ive been keeping it in this special zarnium-coated bag and feeding it pure ammonia! And now the moment youve all been waiting for! AARGH Howd it work? My teacher says Mom and Dad both have to sign my report cards this year.
04/10/88
SCOOTCH SCOOTCH GREETINGS. I AM X-387 ROBOT PROBE SENT FROM JUPITER. Mm hmm. MY SENSORS INDICATE TRACE AMOUNTS OF CHOCOLATE IN THE PANTRY. PLEASE LOAD SOME IN MY SCOOP FOR ANALYSIS. No youll spoil your appetite. MY MISSION MUST NOT FAIL. PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION PITIFUL EARTH FEMALE. Go back to Jupiter X-3 whatever.
05/10/88
You know when you think about it our lives are pretty nice. A lot of kids dont have as good of a home life as we do. We really cant complain. ... which isnt to say we should go home yet. When do you think theyll see the car windshield?
06/10/88
Hi Susie! Guess what I brought for lunch. No! Go sit by someone else OK? You always say your lunch is something revolting and I dont want to hear it! Gee whiz whats wrong with you? My lunch is peanut butter. Whats so disgusting about that?! Hmph. Im glad that one day out of the year you can be civil. Its my DESSERT thats gross! Look a thermos full of phlegm!
07/10/88
Calvin will you run and get my purse please? I need the calculator. Sure. Here you are. Thanks. Ahem. IM NOT GOING TO TIP YOU!! Huh! See if I ever fetch anything again.
08/10/88
Election day is coming up Dad. People want to know where you stand on the issues. Such as? Later bedtimes expanded TV privileges shorter school weeks and less discipline. Im against them all. Hows your IRA? Pretty well funded? Go to bed.
09/10/88
My parents are the two stupidest people on earth. Just my luck theyd get married and have me. I hate everybody. I dont see home anyone could ever fall in love. People are jerks. Sometimes they are but look at the colors on the trees today. Yeah? So what? I think its more fun to see something like this WITH someone than just by yourself. I GUESSSS so... but Id still rather see this with a tiger than a person. Well THAT goes without saying.
10/10/88
MOMMMM Whats the matter Calvin? I dont feel good. What hurts? My stomach. I want Mom. ME? Whats wrong with YOU for crying out loud?!? You can ask him. Now let me get back under the covers.
11/10/88
Sheesh its two in the morning. Why do kids always have to feel sick at two in the morning? Calvin probably just ate too much dessert. If hes going to get me up at this hour hed better REALLY be sick. BARRRFF I DIDNT MEAN IT! Honey pipe down. Im trying to sleep.
12/10/88
Its been 20 minutes since youve been sick so lets take your temparature. Ig gomfa fome ubhiggin. Whatd you say honey? IG GOMFA FOME UBHIGGIN. AACK! WHY DIDNT YOU SAY SO? Give me the thermometer! Run! Run!
13/10/88
I think the worst of this is over so just try to get some sleep. Im going back to bed but give me a call if you feel sick again OK? Now get some rest. Mm hmm. Poor little kid. YECHHH! There is nothing worse than a sick roommate! Face THAT way!
14/10/88
Its scary being sick... especially at night. What if something is REALLY wrong with me and I have to go to the hospital?? What if they stick me full of tubes and hoses? What if they have to operate? What if the operation fails? What if this is my... my... last night... ALIVE?? Then I can look forward to having the bed to myself tomorrow. Few things are less comforting than a tiger whos up too late.
15/10/88
Feel any better this morning Calvin? No. I guess Id better make you an appointment with the doctor. OK. Its Saturday by the way. You wont miss school. I know.
16/10/88
The valiant Spaceman Spiff energetic inter-galactic explorer comes in over the mountains of a strange planet! Our hero desperately hopes to find a rest area with working facilities. Spaceman Spiff lands on the distant planet Zokk. Climbing down from his spacevraft our hero prepares to explore te surface! Unexpectedy Spiffs first step sends him careening through the sky! Spiff quickly realizes that Planet Zokk has only a fraction of Earths gravity. With practice our hero soon finds he can bound effortlessly across the landscape. Stop bouncing on the bed and go to sleep.
17/10/88
Well it looks like Calvin just caught the bug going around. Nothing serious. Keep an eye on him and let me know if he isnt feeling better soon. OK. Thank you. So long Calvin. You were a good patient this time. Mm. Nothing like a little virus to take the edge off a kid. Id still rather let his teacher deal with him.
18/10/88
I get to stay home from school today. I get to lie in bed drink tea and read comic books all day. I wish I could do this every day. ... like some people I know. Your Mom doesnt bring ME tea in bed.
19/10/88
I want some more toast. ROOM SERVICE!! Ha! THAT sure got you up here quick! Tomorrow youre going to school.
20/10/88
I think people worry too much about little things. All they do is make themselves unhappy that way. Why get an ulcer over things that dont really matter? Like the book report youre supposed to be writing now on the book you havent read? Exactly. Case in point.
21/10/88
Why in the world am I waiting in the pouring rain for the school bus to take me somewhere I dont even want to go? I go to school but I never learn what I want to know.
22/10/88
I hate school. Each day I count the hours until schools over. Then I count the days until the weekend. Then I count the weeks until the month is over and then the months until summer. I always have to postpone what I WANT to do for what I HAVE to do! Welcome to the world. Would you sign this parental excuse to get me out of the next 11 1/2 years of school?
23/10/88
I feel a big sneeze welling up. ... which is always a sure sign that Im not carrying a handkerchief. Ah... Ah... Ah... CHOOOOO!! Mom I sneezed and blew my head off! Pull your shirt down Calvin. Youre not fooling anyone. Mom would be a lot more fun if she was a little more gullible.
24/10/88
Dumb balloon. Poof poof poof poof poof
25/10/88
Hey Susie did you have any trouble with our math homework last night? No why? I thought a couple of these were tricky. Can I check my answers with yours? OK. Thanks. What did you get for questions one? Seven. Seven? Good thats what I got. What did you get for question two? DROP DEAD CALVIN.
26/10/88
Ever sit and watch ants? Look at this one. Hes carrying a crumb thats bigger than he is and hes RUNNING. And if you put an obstacle in front of him hell scramble like crazy until he gets across it. He doesnt let anything stop him. I just cant identify with that kind of work ethic.
27/10/88
Just think Earth was a cloud of dust 4.5 billion years ago... 3 billion years ago the first bacteria appeared. Then came sea life dinosaurs birds mammals and finally a million years ago man. Now in 1988 theres me. ... the acme of evolution. Oh PLEASE.
28/10/88
Its not quite the same is it? And it probably wont snow for another month at least.
29/10/88
Z Z GRRR Z GROWLL RRR! Psst! Hey! Wake up! Youre dreaming! Grrrr... And Mom wonders why I never look rested in the morning.
30/10/88
So THERE you are! Get out right now! Into the tub! Lets go!! Shed never have found me if I hadnt sneezed. Ill give you a quarter to take my bath for me. Lets see the quarter first. Here. Just splash around while I make sounds as if its me in the tub
31/10/88
Look! A buckeye! Isnt it pretty? Look how perfect it is. Im going to keep this one. What will you do with it? Try to dent Susies skull from 50 feet.
01/11/88
What are you doing? Dad told me to go outside so Im digging a hole to China. If Dads going to be such a grouch I figure Ill just go live on the other side of the planet. You can come too if you want. Theres another shovel in the garage. You dont think your DAD will get mad about us digging up the driveway? Oh you know Dad. Hell get mad no matter WHERE we dig.
02/11/88
Look what Mom made me! A super hero outfit. Dont I look cool? Now I can fight crime without anyone knowing my true identity! Yep Im all set now! ... So! Seen any crimes? Why do you care that nobody knows your identity?
03/11/88
Calvin take off your outfit before you sit at the table OK? Calvin? Whos Calvin? Im Stupendous Man! Stop being silly. And do as I asked you. But Mom I NEED to wear this for dinner! No you dont. Lets go. But Stupendous Man has a stomach of steel!
04/11/88
Mom said I cant go outside until I finish my homework. If youll help me Ill be faster. Whats five plus seven? I dont know. I dont either. Then write I dont know. Hey thats a true answer isnt it! I can write that for ALL of these! Were done! Wed better have a look at our prodigys homework.
05/11/88
Want to go play outside? No. Im watching TV. You hate this show. Lets go out. Nah. Why not? Dad said he was sick of arguing with me and for all he cared I could watch TV until my brains oozed out of my ears. So youre going to? It was a hard-won privilege.
06/11/88
Flaps ... check. Fuel ... check. Landing gear ... check. Goggles... check. Calvin pilots his F-15 at more than 1500 miles per hour. Loaded with tons of every conceivable missile weapon the jet shrieks low over the ground. Up and over the next rise his target comes into view. Calvin FIRES! FWISSHHH! Missile after missile streaks ahead and detonates with grim accuracy! PFOOM! Mission accomplished! A smoldering crater is all that remains of Calvins elementary school! ... sigh...
07/11/88
Well Dad were right down to the wire and the polls say you wont be Dad here much longer. It seems youre just not likeable enough. Those polled continue to find you a cold fish. If you want some advice I suggest you do something extraordinarily likeable in the next two minutes. Go to bed. No no! Its WAY too late to learn how to tell jokes.
08/11/88
Ten... Fifteen... Six... Twenty-two... HIKE! YAAAA AUGH! Another five yeard loss! Weve got to get some other players.
09/11/88
Boy youre lucky YOU dont have to go to school like I do. You dont know what its like to get up on these cold dark mornings and have to go someplace you hate. Yes I do. Oh yeah? How could you? You tell me every morning. Oh am I keeping you awake?! Im SORRY!
10/11/88
Hey! This (mmf) isnt (ooch) how you play the game! You still havent tackled me!
11/11/88
Off the swing Twinky. Forget it Moe. I just got on. You have to wait your turn like everyone else. I said Off. I keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people.
12/11/88
HIKE! Whoops! Heh heh... Im losing the game but winning an ambulatory adulthood.
13/11/88
RINGGG What a day. KAPOW You think thats funny? Come back here and fight you weasel! What happened to YOU?? Dont ask. Im going upstairs to change. NOT AGAAINN! Wheres Calvin? I sent him to his room. I caught him making prank calls to pet stores asking if theyd buy his tiger.
14/11/88
Hey Susie can I borrow your black crayon? OK but dont break it. And dont peel the paper off and color with all sides of it so it stays pointy. Geez why dont you take out an insurance policy on it? Just dont ruin my crayon. What are you drawing anyway? Black bears attacking a black forest campground at midnight. Give me my crayon back.
15/11/88
Hey! Whats this stuff in my soup?! Yecchh! Is this rice?!? It had better NOT be! Rice? Let me see. Look! These little white things! See theres rice in my soup! I hate rice! I didnt put any rice in. These are maggots. EWWWW!! Another lovely meal at home with my family... I wish my job required more travel. Well hes EATING it now right? Gosh wait til I tell everyone at school what WE had for dinner!
16/11/88
Uh oh. HOOP EEP! Ive god the hiccups something terrible Mom. Drink some water.
17/11/88
BANG! I gotcha! ARGG! GAACKK UGHH! Here. Whats this? Its your death rattle!
18/11/88
It must be awful to be a girl. Im sure its frustrating knowing that men are bigger stronger and better at abstract thought than women. Really if youre a girl what would make you go on living? The thought of a jerk like you begging one of us for a date when youre 17. Ha! Not ME! Gross!
19/11/88
The tyrannosaurus stalks the cretaceous shores. The 5-ton carnovorous lizard can run faster than a charging rhino! What could be more horrifying? STOP THAT CLOMPING AROUND!! ... besides the blood-curdling roar of its Mom...
20/11/88
Ive never liked crayons very much. They just dont have any flavor at all. For an art project Im supposed to draw my pet but since I dont have one Ill draw you. OK! Look ferocious. Hows this? Thats great. Hold still now. Hmm... mm... ARRGH! This isnt coming out good at all! I cant draw tigers! I hate this class! Here let me try. The good things about drawing a tiger is that it automatically makes your picture fine art. Hey thats pretty good. Put some human heads around him as if he just ate a village. Hows that? Boy this is great! Ill have the best picture in the whole class! I cant wait to show everyone! Wow! Thanks Hobbes! But Im NOT lying! My TIGER drew it! Do you think I could draw something that good MYSELF?? Yes...
21/11/88
When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then Ill come back yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.
22/11/88
MOMMM IM HOME FROM SCHOOL! OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME OK? Whats the matter? It wasnt locked. Sometimes Hobbes is waiting to pounce on me as soon as I open the door. Oh for heavens sake! From now on dont call me to come to the door unless its locked. Ha! I sure out-smarted Hobbes THIS time! THBBPTT! Sissy.
23/11/88
Boy Im in a bad mood today! Everyone had better steer clear of me! I hate EVERYBODY! As far as Im concerned everyone on the planet can just drop dead. People are scum. WELL-L-L? DOESNT ANYONE WANT TO CHEER ME UP?!?
24/11/88
Get out of my way! Im in a bad mood. Ill bet a pet dog wouldve gotten out of my way.
25/11/88
Watch out Mom. Im in a bad mood. Be in a bad mood somewhere else OK? Im busy. Hmph! Ill bet my biological mother wouldve bought me a comic booka nd made me feel better instead of shunning me like YOU. Kid anyone BUT your biological mother wouldve left you to the wolves long ago. Yeah right. Really how much did you pay for me?
26/11/88
Wahts your tail for? My tail? Yeah why do tigers need tails? Gee Im not really sure. I guess just because they look good. So its sort of a necktie for your butt? Lets not be vulgar. Youre just jealous.
27/11/88
If I was in charge wed never see grass between October and May. On THREE ready? One... two... three! SNOW! I SAID SNOW! CMON! SNOW! SNOW! OK then dont snow! See what I care! I LIKE this weather! Lets have it forever! PLEEAASE snow! Please?? Just a foot! Ok eight inches! Thats all! Cmon! Six inches even! How about just six?? IM WAAIITING... RRRRGGHHH DO YOU WANT ME TO BECOME AN ATHEIST?
28/11/88
WHO MADE THIS MESS OUT HERE?! It wasnt ME Mom it was... uh... it was... it was a horrible little venusian who materialized in the kitchen! He took out some diabolical high-frequency device pointed it at various objects and... mothers are the necessity of invention.
29/11/88
IM HO-OME! KAPOW What did you do step on a land mine? Whens Dad ever going to build that tiger pit I keep asking him about?
30/11/88
Calvin where are you? Get out here! Come on Calvin Im getting tired of this. I MEAN it Calvin! Come out and take your bath! NOW! Sooner or later shes going to have to question whether this is really worth the trouble.
01/12/88
I wish it would snow eight feet in the next five minutes so theyd have to close school. Cmon snow! Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow! So close... and yet so far.
02/12/88
You think God lets you plea bargain? Id worry more about your Mom.
03/12/88
Hello? Hi Dad! Its me Calvin. Will you tell me a story? Calvin Im at work! I dont have time to tell you a story now. Im very busy! Get off the phone. Im expecting important calls. OK Dad. Ill just stay here quietly growing up at an unbelievable rate never spending much special time with my own Dad whos always working. Right right. This is the story of the hydraulic pump (Fig. 1) the wheel shaft flange (Fig. 2) and the evil patent infringement. I want a GOOD story.
04/12/88
Who is this mysterious masked man?? KAPWINGG! And why has he never been photographed together with handsome 6-year-old millionaire playboy Calvin? A solitary caped figure runs across the moonlit building top! A crimson bolt blasts across the night sky striking fear into the hearts of all evildoers! Yes its STUPENDOUS MAN champion of liberty defender of free will! Some diabolical fiend threatens to establish a totalitarian system of rule! Only STUPENDOUS MAN can save the day! Aha! Just as I suspected! My evil archnemesis MOM-LADY! Didnt I tell you to go to bed?!? Oh no! Stupendous Mans stupendous powers are no match against his adversary! Stupendous Man is vanquished! This would have been plenty humiliating WITHOUT the goodnight kiss. And take off that silly hood before you smother over in your sleep.
05/12/88
Spiffs spacecraft is immobilized! The navigatron has shorted out! A zillion miles from any planet our hero must climb out and fix it himself in zero gravity! Upside down Spiff clings tightly to his spaceship! One slip will send him hurling into the horrors of the infinite beyond! GO... TO... SCHOOL! NO!
06/12/88
I dont understand how Santa runs his operation. How can he afford to give toys away? How does he pay for the raw materials he uses to make the toys? How does he pay his elves? Theres no income to cover his costs. How does he do it? Deficit spending I guess. Sure but sooner or later its going to catch up to him and then where will I be?!
07/12/88
Dear Santa Hi its me Calvin. This year Ive been extra good so PBTBT!! MMF MMF EEP! Perhaps you need a drink of water. I think I do.
08/12/88
Want to read my letter to Santa? All THAT?! I hope I didnt forget to ask for something I want. This is alphabetized. Yeah and I cross-indexed the accessory items hell need to get. I try to help him out. This says Volume One. Atom Bomb through Grenade Launcher. Youre going to be one sad little kid on Christmas morning.
09/12/88
It snowed last night! Turn on the radio! Maybe they closed school! Maybe the school buses all froze up! Maybe the principal cant get out of his driveway! Get dressed Calvin. It only snowed an inch. Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
10/12/88
A lone knight charges up the hill towards the giant cave at the top. Immediately the monstrous dragon lunges out and spews a raging fireball! The knight is fried to a crunchy crips... his armor fused into a solid piece! The dragon cricles overhead daring other fools to come after him! Did you brush your teeth? Come here and see!
11/12/88
Here we are at the top of Dismemberment Gorge. Ready to go down? How about if I steer this time? Get on you big sissy. Ive been good all day so far. Christmas is getting near huh? You got it. Ive been wondering though. Is it truly being good if the only reason I behave well is so I can get more loot at Christmas? I mean really all Im doing is saying I can be bribed. Is that good enough or do I have to be good in my heart and spirit? In other words do I really have to BE good or do I have to ACT good? I suppose in YOUR case Santa will have to take what he can get. OK... so exactly how good do you think I have to act? REALLY good or just PRETTY good?
12/12/88
Im gonna pound you in gym class shrimp. Get your kicks now you glandular freak because once you grow up you cant go beating people up for no reason. Yeah I guess youre right. That really wasnt what I meant at all.
13/12/88
What grade did you get? I got an A. Really? Boy Id hate to be you. I got a C. Why on earth would you rather get a C than an A?! I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep everyones expectations.
14/12/88
Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed?! Your Dads going to take your picture. Hold still. I dont WANT to get my picture taken! It will just a few minutes. Were going to put the pictur eof you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now. What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that? So we wont have relatives dropping by to visit. DEAR...
15/12/88
Ready? OK give me a nice smile. Thats good. One... two... three! CLICK My hairs getting messed up Dad!
16/12/88
I dont have much film left so stop making faces when I take the picture or your names mud. You couldve been done 20 minutes ago if youd just cooperated. Now give me a smile and hold it for two seconds. CLICK CALVIN! THAT WAS A SMILE! I SMILED!
17/12/88
We cant send these in our Christmas cards. People will think its sacrilegeous. Well these DO look like Calvin... except for the combed hair.
18/12/88
Ahh... the perfect slushball! Hard enough to sting yet sloppy enough to dribble down the collar and soak the undergarments. Here comes Susie. Nows my chance to hit her with the slushball! I see you! Youd better not throw that! Santa Claus is watching you right now! ZINGG FWISSHHH! WHAP! Oh yes! YES! It was worth it! What a shot! Im not sorry! Oh it was beautiful! Id do it again in a minute! Ha ha! Santas gonna skip this block for years.
19/12/88
Do you think monsters are under the bed tonight? I dont know. How can you tell without looking? One way is to tell a story about a little kid getting mauled and eaten alive. How does THAT tell you of you have monsters? Sometimes they laugh.
20/12/88
Im freezing! Why do we keep this house so darn cold?! Crank up the thermostat and build a fire will ya? I have a better idea. Cmere. OK step outside. Why? Whats outside? In a few minutes you can come in and then the house will seem nice and warm. Im telling the newspapers about you Dad!
21/12/88
Read me Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. Oh I dont want to read that again. Lets read something different tonight. No I want to hear Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie. Cmon Calvin Ive read this a thousand times. Read it again. Please? PLEASE? All right all right. Youll do the squeky voices the gooshy sound effects and the happy hamster hop wont you? Look cant we read something else?
22/12/88
MOMM! MOM! What is it? Whats the matter? Do people grow from spores? SPORES?!? You wake me up at 2 am to ask if people grow from spores? Are you out of your mind?? Why are you even awake?! Go to sleep!! She didnt answer. She must not know. Im telling you its true.
23/12/88
I say its a fallacy that kids need 12 years of school! Three months is plenty! Look at me. Im smart! I dont need 11 1/2 more years of school! Its a complete waste of my time! How on earth did you get all the way to the bust stop with both feet through one pant leg? I fell down a lot. ...Why? Whats your point? Nothing. I was just curious.
24/12/88
Hows my peanut butter sandwich coming? Youre using chunky peanut butter right? I wont eat smooth! Make it an open face sandwich too! Dont put any jelly on it or anything! And use some normal bread! I dont like those weird grain breads! Did you cut it diagonally? I like triangles better than rectangles so be sure to cut it right! Your majestys sandwich. HEY this is a closed-face horizontally cut smooth peanut butter sandwich on weird bread with jelly! Werent you LISTENING?!
25/12/88
Im leaving out a sandwich for Santa. Thats nice. What do you think hed like with that? Some milk? I think Santawould rather have a cold beer. DEAR! Psst! Wake up! Its Christmas! Are you sure? Its still dark out. Its four in the morning! Lets see if santa left our loot yet! Oh boy! Well let Mom and Dad sleep another hour but we can at least count all our packages. I get to plug in the tree lights! Ha ha! Look at all this booty! Lets see which ones are for me! Heres one for you. Strange that Santa would go to the trouble to wrap a box of coal. Har har. Heres one for Mom. Heres one for me...This one is for Dad... Hey were are YOUR presents? Santa goofed up! Good thing tigers are naturally gifted to begin with. MOMM! DAAD! SANTA DIDNT BRING HOBBES ANYTHING! Uh oh. think quick Dear. It had better be a lot later than it feels like. Well heres a present from ME anyway. Hope it fits. The best presents dont come in boxes. Ill treasure this one forever.
26/12/88
Theres nothing prettier than new fallen snow on a clear freezing moonlit night. ...through a window that is.
27/12/88
I cant take bath in this! The waters BOILING! Ill scald myself! What are you trying to do cook me alive?? Well forget it! Im not getting in! By the time you quit fussing complaining yelling and screaming and actually take off your clothes and get it the water will be perfect. Boy does she know me.
28/12/88
Every day I have to get up and go to school. Nothing ever changes. Its just school school school. But not today. Today I go for the gusto. I think you should ask your Mom if its OK.
29/12/88
Boy did I get into trouble at school today. Wow. What happened? I dont even want to talk about it. Did it have anything to do with all those sirens about noon? I SAID I didnt want to talk about it.
30/12/88
Did you bring something for show and tell? You bet! I brought these charred rocks and ashes from my backyard. See? Dramatic proof that UFOs landed not a hundred feet from my house. Their retro rockets burned solid rock into this fragile grey dust cube! This is an old charcoal briquette. Even as we speak aliens are undoubtedly infiltrating the highest levels of our government.
31/12/88
Disgusting denizen of the deep the giant octopus glides across the ocean floor. At the sigh of an enemy he releases a cloud of ink and makes his getaway! MISS WORMWOOD!
01/01/89
Well its a new year. And Id say the first 10 hours havent been up to snuff. Did you make any new year resolutions? You bet! I resolved to quit hiding my feelings so much! From now on the worlds gonna know exactly what I think of it! Yes youve certainly been a model of self-restraint and understatement up until now. Well no more. And Ive also resolved not to put up with sarcastic tigers. If I see any Ill tell them.
02/01/89
Shovel shovel shovel! Why cant we get a snow blower?? We must be the only family in the world that still shovels the driveway by hand! Im freezing! It builds character. Keep at it. Pretty convenient how every time I build character HE saves a couple of hundred dollars.
03/01/89
Next time we go down I get to steer the sled. You?! You steer like an old lady! Yeah well Im sick of going over and through every obstacle on the hill. Every obstacle?!? We missed the briar patch didnt we?! By going down the gully and into the stream yes. Oh you make everything sound so terrible. You should be glad were alive.
04/01/89
This is the finest snowball ever made! Painstakingly hand-crafted into a perfect sphere from a secret mixture of slush ice dirt debris and fine powder snow. This IS the ultimate winter weapon. Yes this marvel of crystalline engineering wi... WHAP!! Another casualty of the seduction of art.
05/01/89
What do you think is the best way to get what you want? Is it better to hold fast and never back down or to compromise? I suppose its best to hold fast when you can and compromise when you need to. Thats a lot more mature than I think I care to be.
06/01/89
I think the short attention span of television is great. As far as IM concerned if something is so complicated that you cant explain it in 10 seconds then its probably not worth knowing anyway. My time is valuable. I cant go thinking about one subject on end. Im a busy man. ...whos been sitting here for three hours. ... at six thoughts a minute.
07/01/89
Theres something magical about having a fire. The crackles and snaps the warm flickering light... everything always seems safe and cozy if youre sitting in front of a fire. And if youve got a hot tiger tummy to lie against ... WELL!
08/01/89
Cmon wed better go outside for a while. How come? Moms getting that look. This will be the best snow fort ever built! OK the main fortress will be a wall five feet high and go from here down over that hill with turrets every 50 feet. Over here well build an inner wall in case we have to retreat and a bin to hold our snow ball reserves. Got it. Hmm... the snow doesnt pack too well does it? Its not wet enough. Gosh itll take forever just to build the outer wall... even without the turrets. Im cold. Me too. Lets go in. Maybe we can have some hot chocolate by a fire! This is more fun than actually building the fort anyway. Now where should we put the icicle spikes? All along the outer wall after the moat. Say I think you got more marshmallows in your hot chocolate than I did.
09/01/89
The bay doors open and out falls Calvin the C-Bomb! Calvin is bound to unleash the pure destructive force of a million A-Bombs! The world gasps in horror as he streaks towards his target! OH NO YOU DONT!!
10/01/89
Will you read this tonight? An Ode To Tigers? Hobbes wrote it. The zebras stripes are lacking hues So they dont compare to you-know-whose.Orange black and white is what to wear! Its haute couture for those who dare! Its camouflage and stylish too! Yes tigers look the best its true! This goes on? For pages. Pretty tedious isnt it?
11/01/89
IM HO-OME! KAPOW WUMPH! Great. The snow cushioned the blow to my spine so I can now die of pneumonia. Aww has oo got de sniffoos?
12/01/89
I like these cold gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.
13/01/89
You try it and Ill watch. Sissy.
14/01/89
Look I put a snowball on top of this snowmans head. Now Ill be the next William Tell and Ill hit the snowball clean off! Ouch. Ahhh! He flinched!
15/01/89
Put er down here. You know these things should really come with air bags. Ready? Ready. OFF WE GO-O! Ooh! Yikes! Wow! See? I TOLD you. Help me gather up the sled you sissy.
16/01/89
The fearless Spaceman Spiff finds himself on the planet closest to star X-351! An alien approaches... but in the blinding light our here can hardly make it out! Is it friendly or hostile? What are you still doing in bed still? Get ready for school! Definitely hostile.
17/01/89
The school bus will be here any minute! Go! Scoot! Spaceman Spiff captured by vicious zogwards is about to be transported to the labor camp! Our hero hatches a bold plan! At the last second Spiff makes his break! Taking advantage of the planets low gravity our hero is away like a shot. Theres the bus... but why dont I see Calvin?
18/01/89
Spiff escapes! Did Calvin get on the bus? I didnt see. ... why? Someone just darted behind that tree. See there he goes again. Isnt that Calvin? The zogwargs have spotted him! Our hero inflates the emergency jet pack he keeps in his pocket and prepares for takeoff!
19/01/89
Calvin what are you doing? Youre supposed to be on the school bus! Get over here! Our hero blasts off with his emergency jet pack! Another daring escape for the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Zounds! The Zogwargs are on rocket scooters! Spiff fires his death ray blaster! Its your own grave youre digging buster!
20/01/89
Young man you are in VERY big trouble! Why didnt you get on the school bus?! Now IVE got to drive you and your Dad will be late for work. Youve inconvenienced everyone! What have you got to say for yourself?! Give me liberty or give me death Zogwarg queen! Dont tempt me! And listen you call me Mom ... got it?
21/01/89
Hey Calvin how come youre late today? Why didnt you ride the bus? I was going to skip school but I got caught. Really? How? Mom had the wind for that final sprint. Your Mom had to CHASE you? I couldnt believe it when she cleared the hedge.
22/01/89
OK lets see... if the wind is blowing north-northeast at 6mph and I throw the snowball due west at 90 mph with a slight top spin ... Ha! Susie didnt even hear me sneak up. Now Ill cream her cranium with a barrage of snowballs! WHZZZ PUFF These darn crozz breezes! She didnt even notice! Youre the worst shot in the world Calvin! If it wasnt for gravity you probably couldnt even hit the ground! SMACK! I did it! I did it! Just when it counted I did it! Ha ha ha! Right in the kisser! Ha ha! Bad news Mom. I promised my soul to the devil this afternoon. Oh? That recently?
23/01/89
Yes can I have the tool department please? Thank you. Hello? How much are your power circular saws? I see. And your electric drills? Uh-huh. How big of a bit will that hold? Really? Great. So the assigment is pages two through four? OK thanks Susie. ...Sorry about that. Do you carry acetylene torches? OK ring it all up. This will be on Mastercard.
24/01/89
Look at all this homework Im supposed to do! I dont want to do this garbage! I want to play outside! Childhood is short and maturity is forever.
25/01/89
People are rotten. When I grow up Im going to live a million miles away from everyone! How will you survive? What will you eat? ... Well Mom could come by twice a day to cook I suppose. That would be quite a commute.
26/01/89
Get a load of THIS dumb assignment. Im supposed to write about an adventure I had! I havent had any adventures! My life has been a big bore from the beginning! Have I ever been abducted by pirates? Have I ever faced down a charging rhino? Have I ever been in a shoot-out or on a bombing raid? No! I never get to have adventures! What about the time you backed the car through the garage door? You call that an adventure? I didnt even get on the the highway.
27/01/89
When do you think well get a thunder and lightning storm? I dont kow. Probably not until spring. I think hes going to melt before we can bring him to life.
28/01/89
Hey Susie stand on this X. Why? No reason. Just do it. I dare you. No. Please? Cmon! Get lost. This may not work out as well as I thought.
29/01/89
The valiant Spaceman Spiff is led by his captors to a secret dungeon to be debriefed! Little do they realize that our hero doesnt WEAR briefs! Eat your dinner Calvin. Ugh. Poised precariously over a percolating pit of putrid pasta Spaceman Spiff is held prisoner! Still wont talk eh Earthling? Our heros mind races furiously! Hes had his chance! Lets make him eat! LOOK BEHIND YOU!! Fool! The human scum escaped! Not for long Zokbar-2! And tomorrow morning hell have cold manicotti for breakfast!
30/01/89
Wow youve made a lot of snowmen today! Yep. Theyre efficies. Each one represents someone I hate. When the sun comes out Ill watch their features slowly melt down their dripping bodies until theyre nothing but noses and eyes floating in pools of water. I wasnt aware you even knew this many people. The ones I REALLY hate are small so theyll go faster.
31/01/89
Im writing a book about my life. Its called Calvin: The Shocking True Story of the Boy Whose Exploits Panicked a Nation. Interesting title. Thanks. Specifically what exploits are you referring to? Thats the problem. Can you help me think of some I could do?
01/02/89
Hi Susie. Go away Calvin! Sit somewhere else! I dont want to know what revolting thing you have for lunch today. Relax Susie. Im not going to tell you what I have. Youd better not. I mean it. All Ill say is that I sure feel sorry for my tapeworm. MISS WORMWOOD! Hey! Did I SAY what my lunch is?! Did I?!?
02/02/89
Whats this? A crash test dummy. Now I can see if the hill is safe to go down. Off you go! Ooh I think Im going to be sick. Well I wouldnt have steered like THAT! He deserved it!
03/02/89
Oh no! The air pressure in this room is too high! Calvins organs are in danger of collapsing! He... hes about to implode! Weve got to get out of here! Theres too much atmosphere! Sit still and behave. We cant eat at fast food places all the time.
04/02/89
These television programs sure are rotten. There isnt an ounce of imagination in the whole bunch. What bilge. Who do they think is stupid enough to sit and watch this trash? You. If there was anything BETTER on Id watch THAT.
05/02/89
No text.
06/02/89
Youre taking a shower NOW? That means were going out tonight right? And you havent told ME to get cleaned up so that means Im staying home right? And if Im staying home that means youve gotten me a babysitter right? And that means youve probably hired ROSALYN again right?!? Brilliant Holmes. AAAHHHHHH!
07/02/89
Quick Hobbes! Weve got to hide! Mom and Dad got ROSALYN for our baby sitter again! And you know what THAT means! It usually means were in bed by 6:30. Right! No TV no horsing around NOTHING! She just walks in and sends us straight to bed! And then she doesnt even kiss us good nigh. Eww gross. You WANT her to?!?
08/02/89
Where are you going tonight? Why cant Hobbes and I come? Why do we have to have a babysitter? Were going to dinner and a movie just to have some time to ourselves OK? But we could come! Hobbes promises not to kill anyone! Wed be good! Really! Why wont you let us come? Why dont you want us around? Is the movie dirty? Whats the problem?! Gosh a dinner with real pauses in the conversation! Can you imagine?
09/02/89
Hi Rosalyn come on in. Calvins hiding upstairs from you so you may have an easy evening. That would be great. Ive got to study tonight for a big test tomorrow. Did you hear THAT? Did you hear THAT? Hee hee! Tonight: the revenge of the baby sat!
10/02/89
Hi Rosalyn! How are you? What are you going? Homework? Right. Ive got to study for an exam tomorrow so I want it quiet tonight. Got it? Oh you bet Roz. Hobbes and I wont make a peep. Can I see what youre studying? Dont touch anyth... I GOT HER NOTES! I GOT HER NOTES! RUN HOBBES RUN!! CALVIN!
11/02/89
GIVE ME BACK MY NOTES YOU LITTLE CREEP! Run! Run! What are we going to do? Shell kill us! Into the bathroom! Lock the door! Quick! CALVIN! Open this door or your parents will never find your remains! Boy some baby sitter! Here go your notes!
12/02/89
Hold still. Now boost! Lift! Cmon! Mph! Get your hand out of my eye! OK forward! On the way back youre carrying ME. Hey I got some mail. Its a valentine card. From Susie Derkins! It says Please be my valentine. Youre Susies valentine! Im not her valentine just because I got this in the mail am I? Does the post-master general know about this? Calvin and Susie sitting in a tree-ee! Kay-Eye-Ess-Ess-Eye-En-Gee! I dont have to KISS her do I?! Is that what valentines do??! Oh gross! First comes Lo-ove Then comes marriage Then comes a baby in a baby carriage! This cant be happening! I need a lawyer! She cant make me be her valentine! Here she comes! Here comes Susie! Hi Calvin. Get away from me! Im not your valentine! Take your card back! Eww! Girls! Yecchh! That card wasnt for YOU you moron. Didnt you read the back of the envelope? The back? Calvin please give this to Hobbes. HOBBES?! Me? Really? Hot dog! Smooch city here I come!
13/02/89
Calvin youve got two seconds to unlock this door and give me back my science notes! You know Rosalyn Id suggest you adopt a more humble attitude. You wouldnt want anything to HAPPEN to these notes would you? YOU SCUMMY LITTLE TROLL! When your parents get home Ill... FLUSH AUGH! Theres ONE page!
14/02/89
Youd better not have really flushed any of my notes! Ive got a big test tomorrow! Well then with that at stake our demands should seem very reasonable! DEMANDS?! You dont get any demands! Unlock this door! Boy youd think a high school senior would catch on quicker. We should write the school board. Torpedo tube ready Capn!
15/02/89
I sure hope you memorized this page already because youre never going to see it again! NO! Dont flush it! Tell me what your stupid demands are. Thats more like it! OK first we want to stay up until my parents drive in. Second we want you to go pick up a pizza and rent us a video player... YOURE OUT OF YOUR MIND! Third... are you writing these down?
16/02/89
I dont hear her out there any more. Rosalyn?? Are you listening? We have more demands! Do you think she went away? Why would she? Weve still got her science notes. Doesnt she want them any more? Whats she doing? Maybe shes calling the fire department to ax open the door. Really? You think so? Gosh thatd be GREAT! Real firemen with real axes! I hope they drive their biggest fire truck! I hope your parents are having a restful evening.
17/02/89
Rosalyn? Are you out here? Are you calling the fire departme... GOTCHA! OH NO! I didnt really flush your notes! Theyre all there! Go look! Please dont kill me! Phooey. Well its 7:00. We got to stay up half-hour later than usual.
18/02/89
Rosalyn? Were home. Hi Rosalyn. Did you have a quiet evening? Did you get your studying done? ... no huh? Im sorry but tonight is really going to cost you. Youre SURE no one else in this town will agree to baby-sit Calvin? Maybe YOU would like to spend a week on the phone!
19/02/89
Whats this? A Calvin decoy. Pretty good huh? Now I can find out who my enemies are! Ill hide behind that tree over there and watch to see who throws snowballs at the decoy thinking its me! Your enemies must not be very bright. Thats why theyre out to get me. They cant stand my genius. Hey Calvin! I see a way your plan might fail. Pipe down will ya? How can I hide when youre yelling to me from across ... SMACK! See there? My plan to discover my enemies was a complete success. Too bad you took off your coat and hat. You must be soaked.
20/02/89
Here we are poised on the precipice of suicide slope. Below us lie the skeletal remains of hundreds of little sled riders. Searching for that ultimate adrenalin rush we prepare to hurl ourselves over the bring! What fate awaits us? Ready? No. Life and death hang in the balance! A fraction of a second and one wrong turn are all that separate them! This isnt helping.
21/02/89
Dad says the anitipationo of having something is often more fun than actually having it. I think hes crazy. I hate waiting for things. I like to have everything immediately. I cant think of ANYthing Id rather anticipate than have right away. Can you? Death comes to mind. I dont know why I bother trying to have a little discussion with you when youre always so morbid.
22/02/89
I wish snow was dry so that you didnt get all cold and wet when you played in it. ...then again if snow was dry you couldnt pack it into snowballs. That wouldnt be good. I wish it snowed in summer. Wouldnt that be fun? ... Well no actually that would make it hard to run when you play baseball. Heck its OK just the way it is. Were glad you approve.
23/02/89
You can always tell when you get to OUR house.
24/02/89
I think our snow forts are too far apart.
25/02/89
Now lets see if Mom jumps out of HER skin.
26/02/89
CLUMP The pteranodon spreads his giant wings and...
27/02/89
Look at this Hobbes! I could order an official Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs Beanie! See It has a battery powered propeller on top and a big star on the front! Isnt that neat? You have to send in four box Proof of Purchase Seals to get it it says. Well dont just stand there or this will take forever. Ugh. This stuff always makes my heart skip.
28/02/89
Blechh I feel sick. Oh cmon thats only your second bowl of cereal. This stuff is pure sugar. But its FORTIFIED with eight essential vitamins so its good for you. Give me a break. This is like eating a bowl of milk duds. Look it says right on the box part of a wholesome nutritious balanced breakfast. And they show a guy eating five grapefruits a dozen bran muffins... You know why you shake like that? Vitamin deficiency Ill bet.
01/03/89
Morning Dad! Hows your breakfast? Fine. Oatmeal huh? A bowl of pasty bland colorless sludge. Yes. Why dont you go describe your OWN food somewhere else? Ill bet youd rather have a bowl of tasty up-smacking crunchy-on-the-outside chewy-on-the-inside chocolate forsted sugar bobms! Can I pour you some? No thanks. Im trying to reach middle age. What are YOU having Mom? Boring old toast and tea? YOU want the beanie YOU eat the cereal Calvin.
02/03/89
1 1/2 boxes to go and Ill have enough Proof of purchases seals to order the propeller beanie they offer. 1 1/3 boxes to go. Man Im EARNING this.
03/03/89
Hobbes I did it! I ate enough boxes of cereal to get all the proof of purchases seals I need! Now I can order my beanie! Oh boy! I cant wait to get it! Ill be so cool! Not for over a month. It says to allow six weeks for delivery. SIX WEEKS?!? Ill be OLD then! And Im sure your beanie will be the talk of the rest home.
04/03/89
Mom! Mom! Did my beanie come in the mail? Are you kidding? I just mailed your order this morning. Im never going to make it six weeks
05/03/89
I can never enjoy sundays because in the back of my mind I always know Ive got to go to school the next day. Its like trying to enjoy your last meal before the execution. A penny for your thoughts. Sorry MY thoughts are a buck a piece. A DOLLAR?! Thats outrageous. Your thoughts arent worth that! This one is. At a dollar its the bargain of a lifetime. I wouldnt pay a nickle for any thought youve ever had in your whole flea-ridden existence! That little remary just made the price ten dollars! TEN?? You cant extort me! Keep your stupid though! If you knew what it was youd BEG to pay ten bucks for it. Cmon just tell me what it is will you? Nothing doing pal. OK OK. Ill give you 25 cents. Thats all I have. Lets see it. Here! 25 cent! Now whats this big expensive thought of yours?! A fool and his money are soon par...
06/03/89
Gosh I cant wait to get my beanie! I hop it comes soon. Do you think it will? Its probably been almost six weeks by NOW dont you think. I ordered the red beanie. But what if its not in stock? Should I take the blue one or wait for them to reorder? A blue one would be OK I guess but I sure hope they have a red one. Ive always wanted a beanie like this with a propeller. Boy itll be so cool when I have it. I cant wait. Wow! A red beanie! ... or a blue one. Do you think it will come tomorrow? Do you? It had sure better. Yeah thats how I feel too.
07/03/89
How was school today? Oh it was a blast! ... Did my beanie come today?
08/03/89
Please let my beanie come today! I promise I wont ever be bad again! Ill do whatever you want! Please please please! Ill never ask another favor if todays the day I get my beanie! Did I get my beanie? Nope. WHATS IT TAKE HUH?
09/03/89
I cant believe this. Every day I get all my hopes up thinking my beanie will come... and then it doesnt. And for each day that goes by I figure the odds are better that it will come the NEXT day so my hopes get higher and higher before they fall. Its awful. But Ive been disappointed so often now Im finally getting numb to it. Maybe the mailman made a second trip today and delivered it in the last five minutes. Wow! I never thought of that! Cmon! Hes not numb.
10/03/89
The longer you wait for the mail the less there is in it.
11/03/89
Im home. I didnt get my propeller beanie today did I? As a matter of fact you did! ITS HERE! Ha ha! It took weeks and weeks of waiting but at long last its finally here! Now I finally finally get to put it on. Some assembly required. Batteries not included.
12/03/89
Tigers dont worry about much do they? Nope. Thats one of the perks of being feral. Im not having enough fun right now. Youre not? Im just having a LITTLE bit of fun. I should be having LOTS of fun. Its Sunday. Ive just got a few precious hours of freedom left before I have to go to school tomorrow. Between now and bedtime I have to squeeze all the fun possible out of every minute! I dont want to waste a second of liberty! Each moment I should be able to say Im having the time of my life right now! But here I am and Im NOT having the time of my life! Valuable minutes are disappearing forever even as we speak! Weve got to have MORE fun! Cmon! I didnt realize fun was so much work. Sure! When youre SERIOUS about having fun its not much fun at all!
13/03/89
Can you believe this? Ive got to assemble the beanie propeller and motor myself! What do they think I am an engineer? Look Ive got to insert these wires and this plastic switch! I cant do this! Here let me try. No! Get away! ILL do it! Youd probably goof it all up or... #snap* OH NO! See? Insult a tiger and you get bad luck! Every time!
14/03/89
MY MOTOR BROKE! THE PIECE SNAPPED! NOW MY BEANIE PROPELLOR WONT WORK!! AAGHHGHHH! I waited WEEKS for this and now its BROKEN and I didnt even get to WEAT it! STUPID ROTTEN PIECES OF LOUSY JUNK!! Its all YOUR fault! RRGHHGHHGH! MY fault?! I was just sitting here. YOU broke it! You WILLED me to break it! You did some subliminal thing! Dont deny it! I know you did! You MUST have! OK NOW Im willing you to go jump in the septic tank.
15/03/89
What are you mad at ME for?! Get away from me! I dont even want to talk to you! YOU broke your beanie motor not ME! I didnt do anything! You distracted me! I did not! I was just SITTING here! You broke it all by yourself! *sniff* *sniffle* ... all right... I know... But considering that my lifes in shambles right now could you at least take the blame?
16/03/89
Dad can you fix my beanie? I broke the propellor motor trying to put the pieces together. Well lets see. This isnt too bad. You just snapped the battery case. Ill just glue it together and insert the switch for you OK? There! Good as new! Now just let this sit awhile so the glue can set. You did it! You fixed it! I cant believe it! HEY MOM! Dad fixed something! He DID?? Your DAD?? ALL RIGHT! THATS ENOUGH!
17/03/89
Look Hobbes! Dad fixed my beanie! Well? Hows it look? Adjectives fail me. Im turning it on. Ready? Here goes. I dont seem to be lifting off. This is very peculiar. THATs the word I was looking for.
18/03/89
Im not flying! This beanie doesnt make me fly! Whats the point of a propeller beanie if you cant even fly when you wear it? What a rip-off! I ate all that cereal waited weeks and weeks to get the beanie assembled it myself and the dumb thing doesnt even fly! At least its not a TOTAL loss. It came in this great cardboard box. Oh boy! NOW well have some fun!
19/03/89
Sighhhhh WHAP sighhhhhh....
20/03/89
Cmon Calvin! This is the third time Ive called you to get up. I dont want to get up. I dont want to go to school. Well you HAVE to whether you want to or not so lets move. For your information I dont HAVE to do anything I dont WANT to do. Is that so? She sure can make someone want to do something.
21/03/89
I dont want to catch the bus. I dont want to go to school. I dont want to be here at all. Im sick of everyone telling me what to do all the time! I hate my life! I hate everything! I wish I was DEAD! ... well no I dont. Not really. I wish everyone ELSE was dead.
22/03/89
Hi Calvin. HMPH. Oh YOURE real pleasant this morning. Whats the matter with you? Go step in front of a cement mixer OK? What a pill you are! What a jerk! Well who needs YOU?! You can stand there and be grumpy all by yourself! HMPH. Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around.
23/03/89
What are you so mad about anyway? Couldnt you find all the bugs you needed for your insect collection? Huh? Hey where IS your insect collection? Its due today. I FORGOT MY INSECT COLLECTION! OH NO!! Quick! Go home and get it! Maybe you can make it back before the school bus comes! Hurry! Run! No thats not what I meant. Help me find some ants. You forgot it ENTIRELY??
24/03/89
Dont just stand there Susie! Help me catch bugs! Are you crazy?! We were supposed to be working on our insect collections all this month! You cant do the whole thing on the last morning while you wait for the bus! How could you have possibly forgotten it anyway? Its all the class has been doing! Where have you been?? Dont you pay attention?! Dont you care about getting a good education?! If any bugs fly in your open mouth can I have them?
25/03/89
Here comes the bus Calvin. Its hopeless. Theres a bug! Youre wasting your time! The teacher is going to know you didnt spend any time on this insect collection. Stall the bus driver. Were supposed to have 50 insects. Youll be lucky to have ANY! GOT IT! Can you tell me what kind it is? Scrape it off. Get away from me!
26/03/89
Get up Calvin! Im not going to call you again! I bet. Youre going to miss the bus! Now get out of bed! You dont know the answer? Then sit down. Hey Twinky want to see if theres an afterlife? No you cant go play until you finish your homework. Just eat your food. You dont need to play with it. Stop stalling and get into the bathtub. No you cant stay up a little longer. Go to bed. Have a good nights sleep. Tomorrows another big! ... sighhhhhhh...
27/03/89
Phooey. No bugs in the bus window. I cant believe youre doing this. Hey ask that kid if hes got any bugs in HIS window. Calvin theres no way youre going to complete an insect collection on the way to school! Forget it! Sighhh... well maybe youre right. How much do you want for YOUR collection? Ill give you a quarter... or here 30 centrs. I SPENT A MONTH ON THIS!
28/03/89
Hey heres a worm! Worms are bugs arent they? Eww gross Calvin! Thats been floating in a puddle for days. Class doesnt start for 10 minutes. If I can catch 5 bugs a minute Ill get an Aon my collection. See Im off to a good start. Five bugs a minute?! Youre out of your mind. Heres another already. Thats a little ball of lint! Like Im sure the teachers going to look REAL CLOSE at every hairy bug in the 30 kids collections!
29/03/89
RINNGGGG Theres the bell. Weve got to go to class. Rats. I didnt get 50 bugs yet. What do you have? One drowned worm a piece of fuzzy lint that LOOKS like a bug a live ant and a smashed fly. Well if you label them scientifically in the next 30 seconds maybe youll get an F+. Weve got to LABEL these TOO?!? I was just going to put them all in an envelope. Actually I dont think theres any way youll get an F+. For all this work Id better at least get a D.
30/03/89
How did you mount your insects Susie? In this box with pins. Hmm... I dont have a box or pins. I guess Ill just stick my bugs on notebook paper. Oops. Tape doesnt work too well. Gross. I hope I can get him back together. Can I borrow your paste? The way youre going maybe youd prefer a stapler.
31/03/89
Psst... Susie! Help me think up scientific name of my bugs while the teachers not looking. Shhh! Were not supposed to talk in class. Do it yourself. Having a pleasant conversation Miss Derkins? Perhaps youd like to sit up front so you wont distract Calvin any more? Oh I TRIED to get her to be quiet but you know how girls are.
01/04/89
Ooooh that rotten Calvin! I hate him! I hate him! HES the one who didnt do his assignment! HES the one who was talking in class! HES the one who should be sitting here at the front of the room not ME! I wasnt doing anything wrong but IM the one who got in trouble! I sure hope Calvin feels terrible about this! Hey Susie Hows the view way up there? Ha! Ha! Calvin P.S. Try to steal a chalkboard eraser for me.
02/04/89
Three... two... one... LIGHT SPEED! Blasting across the galaxy in hyper light drive its Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordin... Since Calvin seems to be enjoying the lesson lets have him demonstrate the next problem. ZOONDS! A Zok death sloop appears out of nowhere and fries Spiffs stabilizers! Our hero hurls out of control towar his imminent doom! The situation is desperate! This could be the end! What can our hero do?? His mind racing furiously Spiff springs into action! He downshifts his spacecraft and ... stalls. RINGG! Oh darn out of time. Once again Spaceman Spiff beats all odds to save the day!
03/04/89
Psst... here! Hey Susie Roses are red A deep crimson hue When you got in trouble You sure were too! Ha! Ha! Calvin. Calvin you dirty rotten lousy stinking nasty piece of moldy scum!!! Drop dead! I hope you... Writing notes in class now are we Susie? Hey look! Shes turning red again! EEP!
04/04/89
Oh no. How can this be happening? Ive been sent to see the PRINCIPAL! This is all CALVINS fault! Hes the one who got me in all this trouble! Im so scared! What am I going to do?? I think they make the hall to the Principals office this big on purpose.
05/04/89
Wow Susie got sent to the Principals office! Shes in trouble NOW all right! *wheww* I sure was lucky the teacher blamed Susie for everything. What a break! Oh no! What if Susie rats on me!? Suppose they make her sing! Suppose she squeals! Suppose she fingers me! Oh Im so relieved. I was afraid you wouldnt believe me. Oh yes weve got quite a file on our friend Calvin.
06/04/89
Here comes Susie back from the Principals office. Boy does she look plae. I wonder what happened. Shes talking to the teacher now. Psst! Susie what did they do to you? Did you get expelled? You didnt snitch on ME did you? You DID snitch! Youre a STOOLIE! A canary! Youre going up the river Calvin. Calvin will you come here please?
07/04/89
So FIRST I got in trouble for not paying attentioni n class and for turning in a last-minute insect collection which I got a D-minus on. THEN I got in trouble for getting SUSIE in trouble when I wanted her to help me fudge the project. THEN I got in trouble when I told Mom and THEN I got in trouble AGAIn when SHE told DAD! Ive been in hot water ever since I got up! Wow. Ill bet this makes you get your book report finished right on time. My what?
08/04/89
One of natures most peculiar-looking creatures the giraffe is uniquely suited to its environment. His tremendous height enables him to much on the most succulent morsels most difficult to reach.
09/04/89
Whenever I need to do some serious thinking I go for a walk in the woods. There are always a million distractions out here. I dont believe in ethics any more. As far as Im concerned the ends justify the means. Get what you can while the gettings good - thats what I say! Might makes right! The winners write the history books! Its a dog-eat-dog world so Ill do whatever I have to and let others argue about whether its rightor not. HEYY! WHYD YOU DO THAT?!? You were in my way. Now youre not. The ends justify the means. I didnt mean for EVERYONE you dolt! Just ME! Ahh...
10/04/89
GOTCHA!! HEY! Just what do you think youre doing back down HERE?! You didnt read me my rights.
11/04/89
Dad! Dad! Outer space aliens just landed in the back yard! Oh reall. What do they look like? Sort of like big baked potatoes with laser guns. I think we should do what they say. Did they say what they want? Yeah they want 10 dollars. Ill bet they do. Since youre so busy you can give the money to me and Ill take it over to them.
12/04/89
No text.
13/04/89
How come YOU always read me my bedtime stories and not Mom? Because reading the bedtime story is the Dads job. And it appears to be the ONLY Dads job around here! Left the dishes for Mom again huh? Tonights story is called Why Prince Charming Stayed Single. Prince WHAT?
14/04/89
Ive been thinking. Suppose I grow up to be one of the worlds greatest men of all time. Suppose my name will be an inspiration to humanity for eons to come! What will the history books say? Theyll say Much of his childhood was spent unwillingly in the bathtub.What an indignity this bath is! Is this situation worthy of one of the greatest men of all time?!? My likely historical significance is a terrible burden. Would you rather they said your childhood was dirty and smelly?
15/04/89
NNNGKGKK HOCCHHHH PTOOEY! Boy they sure go farther when you make em right! Lets make up a NEW contest OK?
16/04/89
IM HOME! YAHHHH SLAM! What a chump! KNOCK KNOCK Forget it you moron! Im not opening the door! You can just stay out there all night! Oh I cant WAIT to here THIS one explained.
17/04/89
HIC HIC HIC (hic) I have (hic) have (hic) I (hic) I have the (hic) the (hic) ... the hic (hic) the (hic) What is it? What do you have? A dollar?? A new comic book? What?? The (hic hic) I have (hic) the (hic) the hic (hic) the (hic) ... I love doing this.
18/04/89
Help me (hic) get (hic) rid of (hic) these darn (hic) hic (hic) hiccups! How? (hic) Scare me. OK... Our oceans are filled with garbage weve created a hole in the ozone thats frying the planet nuclear waste is piling up without any safe way to get rid of it... (hic) I mean SURPRISE me (hic). That doesnt?! Boy youre cynical.
19/04/89
Here. Drinking from the far side of the glass is supposed to cure hiccups. The (hic) far side of (hic) the glass? (hic) How do I (hic) do THAT? You have to bend your head way over. Oh (hic) I see. (hic) Thanks. Now Ive got the hiccups AND water up my nose. I think most hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patients friends.
20/04/89
These (hic) hiccups are driving me (hic) crazy. Eat a spoonful of sugar. Thats supposed to help. Ill (hic) try anything. CRUNCH SMACK SMACK Well? Are you cured? (hic) Nope. Id better (hic) eat some more.
21/04/89
My hiccups are gone! They finally went away all by themselves! What a relief! AAUGHH! Did I scare you? Did I cure your hiccups? hic hic hic hic hic
22/04/89
Look Calvin I brought home some jelly doughnuts. Would you like one? No jelly doughnuts gross me out. Theyre like eating giant squishy bugs. You bit into them and all their purple guts spill out the other end. You can eat them. My friends ask me how I stay thin.
23/04/89
I cant sleep. I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction. At nighttime the world always seem so big and scary and I always seem so small. I wish I could fall asleep so it would be morning. Sighhhh... Look at Hobbes. HES asleep. Z. Heh heh... he sure looks funny when he sleeps. Tigers close their eyes so tight. I wonder what hes dreaming about. Good ol Hobbes. What a friend. Z. Things are never quite as scary when youve got a best friend. Z Z Z Z
24/04/89
Come ON. Calvin! We were supposed to have left a half-hour ago. WHERE are we going? For the hundredth time were going to a wedding. Now get in the car. Your Dads waiting. But what if I forgot something? Were only going overnight. Youll get by.
25/04/89
Turn around! We forgot Hobbes! Stop the car! We cant turn around Calvin. Were late already. But DA-AD!! You couldve been ready on time and had all your things together but you put up a fuss about going made us late and you forgot your tiger. Its your own fault. Youd turn around if wed forgotten MOM! Thats because shes the only one who knows where the place is. Har har.
26/04/89
When is this dumb wedding going to be over?! I dont even KNOW these people. This would be a lot more fun if Hobbes was here. I cant believe we left him at home. I hope hes OK. Whats he going to eat? We didnt leave any food out and well be gone almost two whole days! Hobbes will be starving! I think Ill let Dad go into the house first.
27/04/89
Hey Mom how do you make a long-distance call from our motel room? Dont play with the phone Calvin. Who on earth do you want to call? Hobbes. I want to make sure hes OK. Hobbes isnt going to answer the phone. Dont be silly. Youll see him tomorrow. But hes probably all lonely! Im sure hes having a good time. I hope he isnt renting some movie that I wanted to see.
28/04/89
Mom I cant sleep. Im sure you can if you just lie quietly. But Hobbes isnt here. Tigers are very comforting. I always fall right asleep when I listen to Hobbes breathing. Well you can listen to your Dad snoring. Thats Dad? I thought theose were trucks down-shifting on the highway.
29/04/89
Well were finally home! HOORAYY! Now I get to see Hobbes! Boy I didnt think wed EVER get home. The whole trip was one long complaint about leaving Hobbes behind. Next time we should take the tiger and forget the kid. Gosh its drafty in here... The windows smashed! Look at the glass! SOMEBODY BROKE IN!! HOBBES! FIND HOBBES!
30/04/89
True friends are hard to come by. I need more money. I wish people were more like animals. Animals dont try to change you or make you fit in. They just enjoy the pleasure of your company. Animals arent conditional about friendships. Animals like you just the way you are. They listen to your problems they comfort you when youre sad and all they ask in return is a little kindness. WHOOONK! *SOB* Its so... so TRUE! HOOOOT! THBPBTPTH! ... and speaking of a little kindness Id have a tuna fish sandwich any time soon that you happen to make one. Of course SOME animals get on your nerves once in a while.
01/05/89
Oh my gosh!! Somebody broke into our house!! Ill call the police! WHERES HOBBES? I cant believe this is happening! Look at this room! HOBBES! Oh I KNEW we shouldnt have left him here! Mom I cant find Hobbes! Help me find him! What if... what if they... Its OK Calvin. Calm down. Im sure Hobbes is here somewhere. I dont think anyone would steal a suffed tiger. Cmon lets go look. But Hobbes is so TRUSTING... sniff
02/05/89
The police say theyll send someone over. Have you figured out what all is missing? No were looking for Hobbes. Calvins almost hysterical. I feel a little hysterical myself. Ooh... I hope the police get here quick. Im scared. This is one of those things you always figure will happen to someone else. ... Unfortunately were ALL someone else to someone else.
03/05/89
Hobbes? Hobbes? Where are you?? I TOLD Mom and Dad we left Hobbes behind... I TRIED to get them to turn around and come back... and NOW look Hobbes was all alone when our house was broken into! Mom says Hobbes wouldnt have been stolen because hes not valuable. ...(sniff) Well I think hes valuable.
04/05/89
Hobbes? Are you down there? Youve got to be SOMEwhere! HERE HE IS CALVIN! I FOUND HOBBES! You FOUND him! Is he OK?? Hes not hurt is he? Hes fine. He was under the bed covers. Hobbes Im so glad to see you!! Youre safe and sound! (sniff) And now I am too! It looks like were a whole family again. Such as it is yes.
05/05/89
... and the televisions gone too. Do you happen to have the serial number? Ill bet the burglars got scared off when they saw there was a tiger in the house! Hobbes was here the whole time! Calvin not now OK? Im busy. Nobody sticks around long when he sees a tiger thats for sure! Mandibles of death thats what Hobbes has! Roght. Why dont you go tell your Mom? Maybe Hobbes should look at some mug shots. Can we go to the station and identify suspects? Huh can we? DEAR! I sure meet some weirdos in this job.
06/05/89
Ive swept up most of the glass from the window. OK Ill get something to cover up the hole. Do you think its safe to stay here tonight? Suppose the burglars come back! The police said theyd drive by and well leave lots of lights on. Ugh its so creepy knowing these goons have been in our house. I dont feel safe at all. I known. And this must REALLY be scary for a little kid like Calvin. Gosh I cant wait to tell everyone at school how our house got robbed. Be sure to say who scared the burglars away after they took the TV and jewelry.
07/05/89
Mild-mannered Calvin is stuck inside doing math problems on a beautiful Sunday. No one is watching! He dashes into his closet! THIS is a job for .... STUPENDOUS MAN! Defender of freedom! Advocate of liberty! A bright crimson streak blasts up through the atmosphere and then turns back toward Earth! Gaining stupendous momentum STUPENDOUS MAN strikes the ground at an acute angle with stupendous force! The Earth slowly stops rotating... and begins to turn in the opposite direction! Pushing with all his might STUPENDOUS MAN turns the planet all the way around backwards! The sun sets in the east and rises in the west! Soon its 10A.M. the previous day! What are you doing outside? Did you finish your homework already? Its Saturday! I dont need to do it until tomorrow... thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN!
08/05/89
Is Calvin asleep? Yes hes snuggled up with Hobbes. Boy I dont know how IM ever going to sleep. Me neither. I cant get over whats happened. The idea of some crazy stranger going through our house... BRRRR!! I wish I had a big stuffed animal to feel safe with. I guess youll have to do. So what do I get to snuggle? How come IM the grown-up??
09/05/89
This is going to be a long night. My heart jumps at the slightest sound. Its almost 2 and Im wide awake. When someone breaks into your home it shatters your last illusion of security. If youre not safe in your own home youre not safe anywhere. A mans home is his castle but it shouldnt have to be a fortress.
10/05/89
Are you still awake too? Mm-hmm. I was thinking. Its funny... when I was a kid I thought grown-ups never worried about anything. I trusted my parents to take care of everything and it never occurred to me that they might not know how. I figured that once you grew up you automatically knew what to do in any given scenario. I dont think Id have been in such a hurry to reach adulthood if Id known the whole thing was going to be ad-libbed.
11/05/89
Well at least we werent in our home when our house was broken into. No one was hurt. Were all together and OK. We lost a few of our nice things but things dont matter much really. Its hard to believe how often we forget that.
12/05/89
Can I be excused now? You didnt finish your dinner. Well I didnt like it very much and theres this TV show I want to watch so... Our TV was stolen remember? Gosh I guess Ill eat my asparagus do my homework and go straight to bed then. And were so proud of how you handle adversity.
13/05/89
This is where our television used to be. But we dont have a TV any more. Now we have a blank wall to watch. So here I am not being entertained. A pointless existence huh? I mean the wall is even plain old WHITE!
14/05/89
Dear Mom How do I love you? Let me count the ways. One... number one... hmm... nummmber one... mm... Hey Mom wake up! I made you a Mothers Day card! Why how sweet of you! I did it all by myself. Go ahead and read it! I was going to buy a card with hearts of pink and red But then I thought Id rather spend the money on me instead. Its awfully hard to buy things when ones allowance is so small... Ahem... ... so I guess youre pretty lucky I got you anything at all. Happy Mothers Day to you. There I said it. Now Im done. So how bout getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for your son? Im deeply moved. Did you notice the part about my allowance?
15/05/89
Good news Hobbes! Im starting a secret club and you can be in it! Oh boy! Itll be great! Well think of secret names for ourselves secret codes for our secret correspondence a secret handshake... Well have a secret club-house with a secret known to get in and well do big secretive things! Why all the secrecy? People pay more attention to you when they think youre up to something.
16/05/89
OK the first thing we need is a name for our secret club. Lets call it The Hobbes Fan Club! THE HOBBES FAN CLUB?! GIVE ME A BREAK! IM SURE! This is a top-secret society! The name should be something mysterious! Something vaguely ominous and chilling! Something like The Sinister Icy Black Hand of Death Club! I still like my idea better.
17/05/89
I got it! Well call our club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! That way Susie Derkins cant join! Is she slimy? ALL girls are slimy. Now the first order of business is to elect officers. I get to be president! I get to be president! Oh no you dont! This whole club was my idea so I get to be president. OK then I get to be king and tyrant. Hey no! THATS what I want to be! You can be President.
18/05/89
Hi Calvin! What are you doing making paper hats? Can I make one too? Dont be ridiculous. This is the official chapeau of our top-secret club G.R.O.S.S. - Get Rid Of Slimy girlS! Slimy girls?! I know thats redundant but otherwise it doesnt spell anything. Now go away. GIRLS ARENT SLIMY! Dont get gunk on me. I took bath last Saturday and Im all clean.
19/05/89
I cant believe you started a secret club just to exclude girls! Theres nothing wrong with girls! See Hobbes? Girls are so emotional. Youre the meanest most rotten little kid I know! Well fine! Play with your stuffed tiger! See what I care! I dont want to play with a stinker like you anyway!! Wow what a great club!
20/05/89
OK weve got a sign for our secret club so now we need to find a secret meeting place. I know! We can set up a card table in the garage! That would be perfect for drawing up maps and stuff! Hmm theres not much room with the car here. Lets push it into the drive. Shouldnt you ask your Mom to move it instead? Nahh. She wont care if we push it out. Cmon. In the past youve been a remarkably poor judge of what your Mom cares about.
21/05/89
BLIPP SPLOPP BLOOP BLIPP Lets face it were aesthetes. Here comes Susie. Just ignore her. Hi Calvin. Can I play with you and your tiger? Hobbes and I are NOT playing. Were doing big important things and we dont need to mess them up. It doesnt look to ME like youre doing anything important. Well we are so go away. Weve wasted too much time talking to you already. Youre just playing in the mud! Thats just what it LOOKS like to ignorant girls like you! Get lost! All right you little creep! I dont need you! Ive got better things to do than sit in the mud like a pig! A PIG?! By golly Ill show YOU! Dont bend over! Your curly pink tail shows! Oink! Oink! Oink! Oink! EAT SOME MUD SUSIE! Ha ha! You missed! Oink! Oink! Oink! Ahh spring! THat magical time of the year when a young mans fancy turns to love! Shut up.
22/05/89
Help me push the car out of the garage. I cant budge it myself. I still think you should ask your Mom to move it. Then shed probably say no and we wont have the garage for our clubhouse! But if you DONT ask her well get in trouble. We wont get in trouble! Every time you say that we go. Mom wouldnt care about these things if she wouldnt keep finding out about them.
23/05/89
Look stop being such a baby and help me push the car into the driveway. Well move it 10 feet. What could possibly go wrong?! Whenever you ask that my tail gets all bushy. Oh knock it off. Mom will be glad we did this ourselves and didnt bother her. Well she DOES hate to be bothered. Right. Now push! Push! Hey the cars not stopping! STOP! STOP! I think youre Moms going to be bothered.
24/05/89
STOP THE CAR! ITS STILL ROLLING! The driveway must be slanted downhill! Its going faster! WHOA! WHOA! Jump in and pull the emergency brake! I cant catch the door! Oh no! Oh no! Its going to go into the road! Dont follow it! LOOK OUT! WILD CAR!!
25/05/89
I havent seen Calvin for about 15 minutes now. That probably means hes getting in trouble.
26/05/89
The car is rolling into the road!! What if someone hits it?!? LOOK OUT! LOOK OUT! THERES NO ONE DRIVING!! THERE IT GOES!! I cant watch! GRUNTCH Nobody hit it! It just went into the ravine across the street! Hooray were dead.
27/05/89
Oh man oh man oh man. Oh man. What do you suppose a car like this costs? Ill bet at LEAST $75. Oh MAN.
28/05/89
Did you watch any television yesterday? No. Gosh what was yesterday like? I think life should be more like TV. I think all of lifes problems should be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies dont you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful high-paying jobs and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothes and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous thrill-packed and filled with applause dont you think? I think MY life is too featherbrained already. Of course if life was really like that what would we watch on TV?
29/05/89
My life is flashing becore my eyes. Yeah I doubt your parents figured youd wreck their car before you were 16.
30/05/89
What are we going to do?? Well never get the car out of the raving. Should we act surprised like the car just rolled here by itself? Maybe Mom and Dad would fall for that. Or maybe they wont even notice if we just dont say anything. You think? I can be packed in five minutes. OK Ill try to get the maps out of the glove compartment.
31/05/89
Hi Mom! Hobbes and I are back! Do I have any clean clothes? I mean Im just wondering. Im going to make myself a few dozen sandwiches! Uh... Im REALLY hungry! No need to get up or look for example out of the window! Just stay where you are for another 10 minutes! Whats the matter with you? AAUGHH! Ha ha ha ha! Nothing! Uh why do you ask??
01/06/89
I got a couple of sandwiches made but I think Mom was getting suspicious. Are you packed? Wed better go! Should I take the yo-yo or the bubbles? ... or both? HOBBES COME ON! Well be lucky to get out of here with our LIVES! Moms bound to look outside any minute now and see the car in the ditch! If were not in the next county by then its curtains! Lets GO! Wheres a freight train when you really need one?
02/06/89
POOF POOF POOF POOF POOF OK (POOF)... I think weve got enough of a head start. We can rest a minute. Do you think your Mom has seen the car by now? Probably. Shes probably called Dad at work and hes probably on his way home now!
03/06/89
Well were surely in some other state by now. Lets stop here. Boy it never once occurred to me that Id be spending the rest of my life on the lam. Speaking of lamb what kind of sandwiches did you bring? How can you think of eating? Im so worried I feel sick. Really? Can I have your sandwich too? Six years old and a fugitive from justice. I cant believe it.
04/06/89
Ahhhh... Uh-oh. Something is seriously wrong here. The laws of perspective have been repealed! Objects no longer diminish in size with distance! Lines do not converge toward any point on the horizon. All spatial relationships are lost! Its impossible to judge where anything is! Oh no! CALVIN! Quite running around the house and crashing into things or Ill sell you to the monkey house! ... and now SHEs lost perspective.
05/06/89
Whats going on. I wonder. Why are all those cars slowing down as they go by? Gosh did someone have an accident? It looks like theres a car in the ditch! ... but I dont see anyone by it. And how on earth did they go in straight backward? To do that the car wouldve had to come... ...right...out...our...driveway!
06/06/89
Well Moms sure to have found the car by now and guessed what we did. Now I know what they mean when they say you cant go home again.
07/06/89
Whats that sound? I dont hear anything. There! Something is crashing through the brush! It It sounds big! Maybe its a bear! There are BEARS out here?? Climb the tree! Climb the tree! If you ask ME tigers are the only ferocious animals the world really needs. Boy 6 killed by bear! Parents saved the trouble.
08/06/89
Do you think were safe? Should we climb higher? Its hard to say with bears. There it is! The bears coming out of the brush! Oh no! It looks like its on its hind legs! Bears stand up only when theyre really mad!! Wait thats not a bear. Thats your Mom! AAUGHH! EVEN WORSE! CLIMB HIGHER! CLIMB HIGHER!
09/06/89
THERE you are. Come down so I can talk to you. No. Youll kill us. Were running away. Im not going to kill you. I just wanted to find out what happened. Are you OK? Was anyone hurt? No one was hurt. We were pushing the car into the drive and it kept rolling. The car didnt hit anything? It just went across the road and into the ditch. Thats when we took off. Well the tow truck pulled it out and theres no damage so you can come home now. First lets hear you say you love me.
10/06/89
Boy Hobbes isnt it funny how things sometimes work out? Mom and Dad saw right away that what happened to the car was an accident. They were so relieved no one got hurt that all we got was a lecture on safety and asking permission. They didnt even raise their voices. Parents are inscrutable huh? Send their car over a ditch and you dont even get yelled at. ...but try keeping live worms in your Dads... Lets not talk about that OK?!
11/06/89
AAUGH WHAM GRRRRRR You can take the tiger out of the jungle but you cant take the jungle out of the tigher! The question IS how can you get the tiger BACK in the jungle?
12/06/89
Heres the latest poll of household 6-year-olds Dad. An overwhelming majority expressed amazement at how little youve accomplished as Dad so far. The impression is that youre avoiding all the hard decisions that need to be made. In fact none of those polled could name a single instance of true paternal leadership. How about if I lead you upstairs to your bed? Ha ha. If we can be serious for a moment I have some innovative ideas about my allowance.
13/06/89
Look at all these ants. Theyre all running like mad working tirelessly all day never stopping never resting. And for what? To build a tiny little hill of sand that could be wiped out at any moment! All their work could be for nothing and yet they keep on building. They never give up! I sure suppose theres a lesson in that. Yeah... ants are morons. Lets see whats on TV.
14/06/89
Boy what a grouch.
15/06/89
Hi Hobbes! Watcha doin? Nothing. Nothing at all? Nope. Ill help. Please do.
16/06/89
ALIENS WELCOME COME AS YOU ARE! What will you do when your parents see this? By then I hope to be halfway to the next galaxy.
17/06/89
Oh no! Calvin has turned into one of his own childhood drawings! His anatomical references being obscure at best Calvin finds it difficult to move! Are these lower appendages feet or wheels? His own Mom thinks hes some kind of helicopter! If only Calvin had learned to draw better! No one understands my work. Thats what all artists say.
18/06/89
Do re mi fa so la ti do. A sparrow alights upon a tree branch. But this is no ORDINARY sparrow. This is a SONG sparrow. Swaying gently in the breeze he prepares to burst forth a rapturious melody! ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI ALL COVERED WITH CHEEEESE I LOST MY POOR MEEEATBALLL WHEN...
19/06/89
Where are YOU going? Out. Did you pick up your room like I asked you to? No. So when you say youre going out you really mean youre going back to clean your room right? English must not be her first language.
20/06/89
What are you doing down here again? Didnt I just send you to clean your room?! Twisted fiend! No four walls can hold STUPENDOUS MAN! Youve been foiled again evil Mom-lady! Ha ha ha! Oh yeah? ! Great Zok! Shes fixed her mind-scrambling eyeball ray on me! Im suddenly filled with the desire to go back upstairs and do her nefarious bidding! Glad to hear it.
21/06/89
Clean up your room! Clean up your room! Thats all I ever hear! Its MY room right?!? If I dont mind the mess what business is it of anyone else?! This is tyranny! I HATE cleaning my room! Its going to take me all DAY to do this! Ooh this makes me mad! A whole day shot! Wasted! Down the drain! Gone! AARGH! Are you kidding? How could this possibly take all day? Heck itll be another hour before Im even through griping.
22/06/89
Cleaning my room will go a lot faster if we BOTH work right? So Ill sit here and do all the tedious agonizing planning and organizing... ... you know making the tough calls and the hard decisious. You wont have to do any of that. All YOU do then is pick up what I tell you to OK? HEY! Did I SAY to pick up me?! No as a matter of fact I didnt! Get away from that trash can! IM the organizer! HEY!
23/06/89
I CLEANED UP MY STUPID ROOM! CAN I GO OUTSIDE NOW?! That didnt take very long. Lets se what kind of job you did. I did a GREAT job! See? Can I go now? Your room looks good. Now did you straighten up your closet like I asked you to? AAUGH! Dont open thaa... Back to work kiddo. YOU made THIS mess! YOU can clean it up!
24/06/89
WHACK Our favorite games are the ones we dont understand! You missed a wicket! No goal! No goal!
25/06/89
Youre out! I think the bases are too darn far apart. Ahh youre just a big sissy.
26/06/89
HELP! A BEE! A BEE! Run for your life! Hobbes! Did you see it?? It was the biggest bee in the whole world! It was the size of a Kaiser roll! It mustve weighed 70 pounds! It sounded like a helicopter and its stinger was like a harpoon! I mustve been a killer death bee! Man Im lucky it didnt get me! Life in the great suburban outback is certainly fraught with peril. If youd seen it youd have been scared too.
27/06/89
I cant imagine mastering the skills involved here without a clearer understanding of whos going to be impressed.
28/06/89
I saw the man oin the moon tonight. Mm. I didnt know the moon made faces. Thats phases.
29/06/89
The giant pteranodon hops to the edge of the cliff. There he spreads his bat-like wings and takes to the air! Soaring high over the prehistoric valley the pteranodon is truly a majestic sight! Thats it think majestic! Im thinking we shouldve picked a smaller cliff!
30/06/89
Its too darn hot out here. You could go wading in the creek. This water is too darn cold. You could go sit in the shade then. This shade is too darn dark. You could go sit in your room with the windows shut and the fan and lights on. Thats what I was doing when Mom threw me out here. I was kidding.
01/07/89
Give me some cookies or I soak you with this water balloon! Why you little thug! Dont you threaten your mother! And dont even THINK about throwing that in the house! Out! Out! Ill bet Id have gotten some cookies if I had filled this with PAINT.
02/07/89
CLICK Uh oh... The sky is a deep orange! Calvins skin is a pale green! Yellow flowers are now blue! Every color is the opposite of what it should be! Calvin has been transferred to a color film negative! His only hope is to be processed by a 1-hour photo finisher! Dveeloper! I need a developer! Doggone it Calvin! Thats ANOTHER picture ruined! Cant you look pleasant for 1/500th of a second?!
03/07/89
ITS JULY ALREADY! OH NO! OH NO! What happened to June?! Summer vacation is slipping through our fingers like grains of sand! Its going too fast! Weve got to hoard our freedom and have more fun! Time rushes on! Help! Help! I dont think I want to be here at the end of August. AAUGH! Its a half-hour later than it was half an hour ago! Run! Run!
04/07/89
Mom took me to the library today Dad. Thats nice. Did you get out a book? Yep. Its great! I had no idea books could be so much fun. And youll learn things too. Ill say! My book says that this one wasp lays its eggs on a spider so when the egg hatches the larva ieats the spider savings the vital organs for the last so the spider stays alive while its being devoured! Gross huh? Isnt there a street corner where he can hang out instead? And color pictures too! Want to see em?
05/07/89
Im destined for greatness. I just know it. Calvin the Great theyll call me. And think how lucky YOULL be! Youll get to tell everyone how you knew me as a kid! What a privilege! In fact all the papers and magazines will probably want to interview you to find out what Im really like. And boy will you have to cough up to keep me quiet. And whats THAT supposed to mean?!
06/07/89
Dad how does a light bulb work? Magic. Didnt you say thats how the vacuum cleaner works? Right. Theyre both magic. You just dont KNOW how they work. Ill bet. Fine. Dont believe your own father whos been around a lot longer than you. Look Mom magic! Thats not magic!
07/07/89
When you wish upon a star your dreams come true. I WISH I HAD A COOL MILLION DOLLARS RIGHT NOW! If Jiminy cricket was here Id skoosh him.
08/07/89
WHAP I DID IT! I CAUGHT IT! Im out.
09/07/89
Darlinggg Im home! And I brought a surprise! Lets hope its a divorce! Darling I stopped at the hospital on the way home from work. Dont call me DarlingOK? I brought home our new baby! A BABY?! I dont want a baby! What shall we name him? Our baby is a RABBIT?!? How come we have a rabbit?! Hes NOT a rabbit hes a little boy! Well call him Jeffrey OK? He looks like a rabbit to ME. Well just PRETEND hes a baby! NO! This is idiotic! I refuse!! Playing housemakes me sick! Im leaving! I dont see why youll play pretend with your dumb oltiger but not with Mr Bun!
10/07/89
WUM WUM WUM Hows it going? Fine. Close the lid. Everything stops when you open it. I wish MY bathtub had an agitator.
11/07/89
Calvin will you gather the trash please? Gather the TRASH?!? What am I your personal SLAVE?! Why cant YOU do it? Fine I will. And YOU can start washing your OWN clothes and fixing your OWN meals and picking up your OWN toys and making your OWN bed and cleaning up your OWN messes day after day after DAY! Some women just werent meant to be mothers.
12/07/89
Whenever I cook an egg I like to see how high I can crack above the skillet. Then I aim with just one eye open so I dont have any depth perception. Its pretty hard that way. See the secret to having fun in life is to make little challenges for yourself. CRIKK Like the challenge of explaining the stove and the floor to your Mom? Rats. Lets see if theres another carton in the fridge will ya?
13/07/89
What are you writing? Im telling these companies I intend to boycott from all their products if they dont pull their ads from a TV show I find offensive. By golly if these companies are going to support objectionable TV programs Ill take my business elsewhere. Maybe I can scare away the advertising dollars and get the show cancelled. Why dont you just not watch the show? This clean wholesome television! Ughh it makes me sick.
14/07/89
I never liked ice cream cones too much until I discovered a new way to eat them. I bite off the bottom of the cone and suck out the ice cream as it gets soft. You wouldnt believe some of the awful noices you can make and it gets pretty sloppy when the cone gets soggy and both ends start dripping. In MY book food should be nutrition AND entertainment. Thats why we tigers like our food surprised and running.
15/07/89
Im so smart its almost scary. I guess Im a child progeny. Most children are. Huh? Nothing. People think it must be fun to be a super genius. But they dont realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. Isnt your pants zipper supposed to be in the front?
16/07/89
FWOOSH Heh heh heh... Youre in trouble NOW Hobbes! Heh heh heh! While you have just ONE water balloon I have THREE! Im a walking arsenal of hydro-weaponry! Ha ha! I can see the fear in your eyes! You realize that I can get you three times wetter than you can get me! Throw your balloon and your utter sogginess is assured! I on the other hand can act with impunity! With three balloons I fear nothing! Catch! HEY! DONT! MY ARMS ARE FULL! OH NO! SPLOOSH GISSHH SPLASH FWOOSH We super powers have it tough. Maybe you should stock up on brains instead!
17/07/89
Well theres no delaying the inevitable. Lets get in the car. Where are we going? The same place we go EVERY summer: camping on some desolate rock at the end of the earth. AGAIN? Yep. This is how Dad likes to unwind. With everyone complaining? Right. He likes to watch us suffer.
18/07/89
Look Dad. Theres a town coming up. See the sign? Why dont we pull off find a nice motel and just stay THERE for our vacation? We could swim in the pool and have air conditioning and color cable TV and room service! No one would have to know we didnt camp! I wouldnt tell anyone! We could even go to the store buy a big fish take your picture with it and say you caught it! Cant we Dad? Cant we turn off here? Yes lets! Now dont YOU start!
19/07/89
Ta da! Were here! Good ol itchy island. Home of the nuclear mosquitoes. Bug bites build character. Yeah and last year you said diarrhea builds character. So think what a fine young man youre growing up to be. ... if all this character doesnt kill me first. That reminds me open the duffel bag and get out the spam. If the canoe isnt here in the morning it means Hobbes and I struck out for home.
20/07/89
Boy its great to be here! This is the life! I think Ill jump in for a swim. Want to join me? No thanks. Aw cmon. Itll feel great. Right. That lake couldnt have melted before yesterday. Hey lets go for a swim. Sure Dad. Id love to start the week with a little hypothermia. I think what I like best about vacations is the family togetherness.
21/07/89
Wake up Calvin. Its 5:30 and you can see the fish jumping. Mmf goway. Its a beautiful morning. The suns barely up and theres a mist over the water. Its perfectly still. Not a soul anywhere! Dont you want to see this? Leemeelone. I thought you said you wanted to go fishing. Youve got to get up early if you want to catch anything. Cmon the canoes all ready and Ive got your fishing rod. MOM make Dad go away! Another thing I like about vacations is the sharing of special moments.
22/07/89
Well I guess thats enough gishing for now. Mmm I cant wait to get back and have breakfast! I can almost smell the coffee from here! What a life! Hey where IS every... THERES GOING TO BE A SMALL MOUTH BASS FLOPPING IN SOME SLEEPING BAGS IN A MINUTE OR TWO! You know I really like it when you go off to work in the mornings. Its 6:30 already! Are you people going to waste the whole day?
23/07/89
Ahh... a day at the late! This will be great! I still dont see why we cant just sit in the car with the air conditioner on. IM GETTING SAND IN MY SUIT! I DONT WANT TO SIT ON THE BEACH! THIS WATERS TOO COLD! IM FREEZING TO DEATH! OUT HERE THERES TOO MUCH SUN! ILL GET SUNBURNED! THIS LOTION MAKES ME GREAY AND MY SHIRT MAKES ME TOO HOT! I DONT WANT TO SIT IN THE SHADE! THIS IS BORING! I HATE WALKING! MY LEGS ARE TIRED AND THE SAND IS TOO HOT AND THE WATER IS TOO COLD AND THERES NO SHADE HERE AND IVE STILL GOT SAND IN MY SUIT! What? Are we going already?
24/07/89
Ill bet Im missing some great TV shows.
25/07/89
Watcha doin Dad? Painting a picture? Yep. Youre giving your harmonica skills a real run for the money. Who asked you?
26/07/89
SNIFF SNIFF Z Hey what are you doing? Are you awake? Sniff sniff smack smack Youre dreaming stupid. Wake up. Mm! Why yes thank you some good fresh fish would hit the spot! Ooh theres a nice big one! AAUGH! I dont care WHAT all your clothes smell like! Im not washing anything now! Go to bed!
27/07/89
Ooh these bugs are awful! I itch all over! Dont scratch the bites or youll just make the itching worse. What am I supposed to do then? Its driving me crazy! Think about something else. Something else?! Like what?? Like maybe stepping out of all that poison ivy. I HATE THIS PLACE!
28/07/89
OK gang smile! Ack! Dont take a picture of ME! I havent washed my hair in three days and Im covered with bug bite! But dont you want something to remember our trip by? I dont want to remember this trip! Ive been trying to forget it ever since we got here! When are we leaving this dump? The next time I see one of those smarmy Kodak commercials Im going to put an ax through the TV.
29/07/89
This vacation sure went quickly. I cant believe its time to go home so soon. After being out here it will sure be a culture shock to go back to civilization wont it? Man I cant wait to get in the car and crack up the A/C and some tunes. Shake a leg huh? Someday Im going to get my DNA tested and see if hes really my kid. Take my word for it.
30/07/89
Why does the sky turn red as the sun sets? Thats all the oxygen in the atmosphere catching fire. Where does the sun go when it sets? The sun sets in the west. In Arizona actually near flagstaff. Oh. Thats why the rocks there are so red. Dont the people get burned up? No the sun goes out as it sets. Thats why its dark at night. Doesnt the sun crush the whole state when it lands? Ha ha of course not. Hold a quarter up. See the suns just about the same size. I thought I read that the sun was really big. You cant believe everything you read Im afraid. So how does the sun rise in the east if it lands in Arizona each night? Well time for bed. I hope someday Im as smart as Dad is. Why what did he tell you now?
31/07/89
Off to work eh Dad? Yep. It sure is a nice day. The kind of day just made for sitting under a tree and reading a good novel cover to cover dont you think? Too bad thats a luxury at your age. Well maybe you can do it when youre 65. Im sure youll be that old before you know it. Enjoy your day at work. Dad sure is surly in the mornings.
01/08/89
You know whats weird? I dont remember much of anything until I was three years old. Half of my life is a complete blank! I mustve been brainwashed! Good heavens what kind of sicko would brainwash an infant?! And what did I know that someone wanted me to forget?? Boy am I mysterious. I seem to recall you spent most of the time burping up.
02/08/89
MOM! Theres a big horsefly on the back of your head! Dont move! Ill get it! Ill get it! Is it still there? You didnt move did you? Get away from me!
03/08/89
Arr! Were bloodthirsty pirates! Avast ye scurvy dogs! Hoist the jolly roger and ready the plank! Here. Whats this? Our booty!
04/08/89
Hey Mom did you know that gravity in outer space works as if space was a soft flat surface? Its tru. Heavy matter like planets sinks into the surface and anything passing by like light will roll toward the dip in space made by the planet. Light is actually deflected by gravity! Amazing huh? And speaking of gravity I dropped a pitcher of lemonade on the kitchen floor when my roller skates slipped. How can kids know so much and still be so dumb?
05/08/89
You know. The world shouldve been designed so everyone didnt have to eat each other to survive. There should just be fewer people and animals to begin with. And the world certainly couldve used a more even distribution of its resources thats for sure. I wonder why nobody consulted you. Incredible isnt it?
06/08/89
No text
07/08/89
I performed a scientific experiment today. You know how maps always show north as up and south as down? I wanted to see if that was true or no. What did you find out? Not much. Your compass didnt survive the trip south from the top of the tree. MY compass?! Let me know when you get a new one. My junior scientist book says not to get discouraged by temporary setbacks.
08/08/89
Ive been thinking. You know how boring Dad is? Maybe its a big phony act! Maybe after he puts us to bed Dad dons some weird costume and goes out fighting crime! Maybe this whole Dad stuff is his secret identity! Maybe the Mayor calls Dad on a secret hot line whenever the ciys in trouble! Maybe Dads a masked superhero! If thats true he should drive a cooler car. I know. Ours doesnt even have a cassette deck.
09/08/89
Theres the stegosaurus out front! Theres the National History museum. Hooray! I cant wait to see all the dinosaurs! Cmon. Lets hurry! Its certainly been a while since weve been here hasnt it? At the museums request yes. Oh thats right. Calvin no biting people this time remember? RROWRR
10/08/89
What kind of dinosaur did you say this was? Its a stegosaurus! He looks pretty ferocious. No he was a plant eater. The tail spikes were for self-defense. Oh. Did tyrannosaurs fight these? Of course not Mom! Turannosaurs came millions of years later! Look try not to embarrass me when we go inside OK? Why are we going here if he already knows everything?
11/08/89
Look Hobbes heres an ancestor of YOURS! A saber-toothed tiger! Ha ha Ill bet HE was popular! If anyone needed to open a can of juice theyd just put him over it and hit him on the head! Ha ha! Hee hee Ill bet they died out because they couldnt understand each other! They pwobabbyy dokked wike diff! Ha ha ha! ... all in all though they were undoubtedly the pinnacle of prehistoric evolution.
12/08/89
Look Mom. The museum has a gift shop! Can I buy something? Theyve got dinosaur models dinosaur T-shirts dinosaur posters... I dont think you need any more dinosaur stuff Calvin. But Mom its all EDUCATIONAL! You want me to LEARN dont you?? Boy she fell for THAT one. Ill say! I wonder if we could get any Batman junk this way.
13/08/89
WUMP! WONNKK... I sh... shouldnt have wa... watched.
14/08/89
Oh no you dont! Theres only room for one in this pool and I was here first! If YOU want to cool off youll just have to jump in the sprinkler. Fine! Ill DO that. ! Doggone it I didnt mean for you to have FUN!
15/08/89
Z Z CRAACKK BOOM What do you think? A thunderstorm or a space alien ray gun invasion? Whichever tell me when its over.
16/08/89
Hows it coming? Slow. This dirt is real hard. Well thats a pretty good start. But Ive been digging all morning! This is going to take forever! Maybe youll have to settle for a smaller swimming pool. Yeah. This would kill you if you went off the high dive. Its too bad. Mom wouldve really been surprised to have an olympic pool where her garden used to be. Maybe shell be surprised anyway.
17/08/89
There! A gull pitcher of Calvins curative elixir! Well charge people a buck a glass and get rich! But thats just dirty water from the drainage ditch! There are leaves in it! Fortified with chlorophyll well say. Nobodys going to pay to drink that! Anyone can see its filthy! Its sludge! Hmm... maybe youre right. PiTCHER of PLaGUE. Calvins DeBiLitatiNG DiSEaSE DRiNK! $1.00 Not TO HaVE aNY
18/08/89
Ive decided not to go to school this fall. I dont need an education. I dont need to learn things. I dont need to develop skills. Its too much trouble. How are you going to make it in the world if you dont know anything and you dont have any skills?! Ill go on talk shows and hype myself.
19/08/89
Ughh there are times when I hate owning a house. All the maintenance! The walls need painting the roof needs to be fixed the tree out back needs to be sprayed... It seems like the whole place is falling apart. ... and what isnt falling apart is being actively destroyed!
20/08/89
A 30-ton brontosaurus ... is about to face a premature extinction! The allosaurus fearsome predator of the jurassic stalks his prey! The herd of brontosaurs is unaware of his presence! Spotting a straggler the allosaurus lunges! The brontosaurus rears to its full gigantic height! What induces an allosaurus to attack a monster more than twice his own size?! Im HUNGRY! The hamburgers are cooking Now get off me!
21/08/89
Calvin the hummingbird zips by with a loud whir! Although small he puts out tremendous energy. To hover his wings beat hundreds of times each second! What fuels this incredible metabolism? Concentrated sugar water! He drinks half his weight a day! ... preferably loaded with caffeine. Are you drinking more soda pop?!
22/08/89
Once upon a time there was... Hold it. Whats the matter? Has this book been a best seller? Has the author won a Pulitzer? Did the New York Times like it? I only want stories that come highly recommended. Are there any laudatory quotes on the dust jacked? Ahem... Once upon a time there was a noisy kid who started going to go to bed without a story. Has this book been made into a movie? Could we be watching this on video?
23/08/89
What are you doing? Im practicing my sneers. Theres nothing like a good sneer to dry up conversation. Hows mine look? Awful! Thanks. With this sneer I hope to be an unbearable burden at any social occasion. That will give you a real head start on beeing a teen-ager. I know! Its like getting seven extra years!
24/08/89
WHAP! Too late! I made another home run. (pant pant) Im quitting if we dont stop using this tennis ball.
25/08/89
AAAGH!! You should be more alert! You wouldnt last two seconds in the jungle. THATS WHY I LIVE HERE YOU DOLT!
26/08/89
What are you doing down there Calvin? Shh Mom! Go away! Susies coming down the walk and Im going to throw some crab apples at her. Oh no youre not! Put those down! AWWW MOM! Dont throw crab apples at ANYone. Theyre hard and you could really hurt someone. OK OK. What are you doing there Calvin? Shh Susie! Go away! Im going to throw this squishy old tomato at my Mom.
27/08/89
HEADS UP! GISHHH You rotten fleabag! Ill get you! You hear me?! Say your prayers! Ahh youre all wet! Wee wee! By golly Ill soak him with the hose! He wont dry out for a month! Ive got you now Hobbes Ol Buddy! Heh heh heh! Trying to get another balloon ready eh? Well youre too late! Hope youre thirsty sucker! Hey whats wrong?! This hose isnt working! Why wont it squirt?! Oh I had to take this end off the faucet so I could fill my balloon. Uh-oh. Actually Im kind of looking forward to going to school next week.
28/08/89
Mom wants me to make my bed. Come help me OK? OK. You get some pencils and Ill get some big paper! I thought we were making the bed. And do all that work?!? No were going to invent a robot to make the bed FOR us! Wont inventing a robot be more work than making the bed? Its only work if somebody makes you do it.
29/08/89
How are we going to invent a robot? We dont know anything about machines. Maybe YOU dont. Its easy. There are just four simple machines to alter force. The lever the pulley the inclined plane and um the internal combustion engine. Take my workd for it Im an expert at inventions. So where do we start? We ask Mom for a research grant.
30/08/89
Hi Mom. Can I look at your wallet for a few minutes? I uh want to see something. Hold on. Did you make your bed like I asked you? Im working on it. As I recall your bed is in your room. Im inventing a robot to make the bed but I need a grant. Can I have $50? Whatd she say? Did you get the money? Boy when were the cover story of popular mechanics Ill have some choice words to say about family encouragement.
31/08/89
OK the first thing our robot needs is a head. Should we use a coffee can? No thats too small. The head has to hold his tape recorder. See Ive made recordings for the robots voice! Really? Sure! This way our robot not only communicates but we can also program him to have the proper personality! Personality? Right. Robots should be RESPECTFUL. *click* How may I ease your life oh grand exalted master?
01/09/89
Hey Dad Im inventing a robot. Can you get me a patent? You invented a robot? Well here it is so far. Hobbes and I have been working on it all afternoon. Its not quite perfected yet but you get the idea. Hmm... what does it do? Thats the problem. We havent figured out how to make it do what we want. Dont get discouraged. Your Mom and I got the same results after working on YOU for six YEARS. Har har. My attorney is a comedian.
02/09/89
Well Hobbes we might as well give up. I cant figure out how to make a robot. This one doesnt do anything. Its past your bedtime Calvin. Youll have to leave your toys for tomorrow. OK Mom. Our robot wasnt working out anyway. Gosh and we spent all day on it too. I thought for sure our robot would save us from making the bed. And in a way he DID! Hey yeah! Were geniuses!
03/09/89
Hows your math homework going? AUGH! FINE! ...sighhhh... RGHH! GRR YIPE! RGHH RRGH YIPE! YIPE! SNAP AIEE! EEK! EEK! SNAP SNAP CRUNCH URRPP YAA! AUGH! Your book ate your homework hmm? Thats a new one. Im lucky to be alive! I had to break its spine!
04/09/89
Your Mom sure was cheerful this morning. Hmph. Ive never seen her humming and sashaying around the kitchen like that. Hmph. How long have we been waiting for the bus now? About two and a half hours. I think Mom put me out here this early on PURPOSE.
05/09/89
Hi Calvin! Arent you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! All IVE got to say is theyre not making ME learn any foreign languages! If English is good enough for ME then by golly its good enough for the REST of the world! Everyone should speak English or just shut up thats what I say! You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. They can make me go until grade eight and then FFFT Im outta here!
07/09/89
The fearless Spaceman Spiff is being pursued across the galaxy by dreaded scum beings! Theyre gaining! Spiffs only chance to lose them is to release a giant smoke cloud behind his spacecraft! Our hero throws the lever! Heh heh... just uh clapping the erasers heh heh... (cough) You again? *sighhhh* I cant believe its not even 8:30 yet.
11/09/89
I want that truck Twinky. Its mine Moe. I brought it from home. I said gimme the truck. Moe you cant just TAKE things from people just because youre bigger! Im not taking it. Youre GIVING it to me because well both be so much happier that way. How touching.
08/09/89
What a day. IM HO-O-AAAH! KAPOWWW!!! Things get so darn quiet when youre not around. Theres going to be some ruckus NOW buddy-boy!
09/09/89
Is it? It IS! Its SATURDAY! Oh boy! No school! No homework! Just cartoons and fun the whole day long! HOORAY! Turn on the TV! Get out the cereal! ITS SAAATURDAY! Youre getting up? Its barely light out! Im going to the office and get some sleep.
10/09/89
First down and one yard to go. Only one yard? Yeah the neighbours wont let us play in THEIR yard. HIKE! Go out long! FUMBLE! Oops whose team was I when I recovered the ball? It doesnt matter. The games called on account of sudden death.
06/09/89
Calvin would you lead the class in the pledge of allegiance? NO! What did the Supreme Court decide about that? Is this a prayer? Dont you have to read me my rights? I dont have to keep up with this stuff! Im just a kid! Im only here because my parents make me go! I dont want to be a test case! I dont even know what court district Im in! Call on someone else! Calvin? *sighhhh* I cant believe its not even 8:15 yet.
12/09/89
Moe give me my truck back. Its not yours. It is NOW. You gave it to me. I didnt have much choice DID I?! It was either the truck or get punched. So? So I only gave it to you because youre bigger and meaner than me! Yeah? ... so? The forensic marvel has reduced my logic to shambles. Youre saying you changed your mind about getting punched?
13/09/89
That no-good rotten Moe! He wont give my truck back to me. The oaf will probably break it too. Should I steal it back? I know stealing is wrong but HE stole it from ME and if I DONT steal it back Moe will just keep it and thats not fair. They say two wrongs dont make a right but what are you supposed to DO then? Just let the biggest guy make up his own rules all the time? Let might make right? ... that sounds reasonable.
14/09/89
By golly I AM going to steal my truck back from Moe! Its mine and he has no right to have it! Ill just sneak up behind the swings here and when Moes not looking Ill run up grab the truck and take off. This playground should have one of those automatic insurance machines like they have in airports.
15/09/89
OK Moes got his back to me! Now Ill zip over steal my truck back and run like crazy! Hell never know what hit him! By the time he ses the truck is gone Ill be a mile away! Its a fail-proof plan! Nothing can go wrong! Its a snap! Theres no reason to hesitate. Itll be over in a split second and Ill sure be glad I have my truck back! Ill just do it and be done! Nothing to it! Its easy! Obviously my body doesnt believe a word my brain is saying.
16/09/89
Phooey who am I kidding? Id never get away with stealing my truck back from Moe. The ugly galoot is the size of a buick. Hmm... since I cant FIGHT him maybe I should try TALKING to him. Maybe if I reasoned with him hed see MY side. Maybe hed realize that stealing hurts people and maybe hed return my truck WILLINGLY. Maybe if Im really lucky I wont go through life with the nickname omelet face.
17/09/89
Eeesh. What goes down must come up. BLECHH! AGKH HEY! NO! DONT SPLOOSH HACK COUGH SPLUTTER MMF BLORP! UGH ICKK PTOOY YAA! ILL GET YOU!! Heh heh... Hello local navy recruitment office? Yes this is an emergency...
18/09/89
Listen Moe thats my truck and I want it back! Yeah? Yeah! Its my favorite truck. You had no right to take it! Yeah? Yeah! So give it back! NOW! Ill fight you for it. Ill bet my autopsy reveals my mouth is too big. Cmon wimp!
19/09/89
Im not going to fight you Moe! If you wont give me my truck back FINE! Go ahead and keep it! Youre the one who has to live with yourself! I cant make you do whats right! You can HAVE the stupid truck! OK thanks! Heh heh. Hey Kid if youre not gonna swing get off and let someone ELSE on huh?
20/09/89
... so Moe stole my truck and when I tried to get it back Moe wanted to fight me for it. I didnt want to fight so I walked away and Moe kept my truck. I dont understand it Hobbes. What makes some people so greedy and mean? Why is it that some people dont care whats wrong and right? Why dont people try to be nice to each other? The problem with people is that theyre only human. Well youre lucky you dont have to BE one.
21/09/89
You know sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place. Thats why animals are so soft and huggy. ...yeah..
22/09/89
MOM! MOMM! What is it? Whats the matter? Hobbes had a bad dream. You woke me up at 2 A.M. because your suffed tiger had a bad dream?!? He dreamed he was so hungry he ate us allup. I must be having a bad dream. Dont you think you should make Hobbes a sandwich just in case?
23/09/89
Know what Dad? At the fresh fish counter in the supermarket you can buy real squid. They have them in a bucket. Theyre really gross. Mm Ill bet. CALVIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
24/09/89
Thats our son! *sighhhh* These pictures will remind us of more than we want to remember.
25/09/89
Have you seen my shoes? I thought I had them out right here. Your shoes? I dont know. They WERE right here. Where could they have gone? Were going to be late. Well I cant goe anywhere without my SHOES. Help me look. Theyre not leaving US behind with a baby sitter tonight!
26/09/89
DING DONG Its ROSALYN! Answer the door will you please Calvin? Hi Roz. My parents have changed their minds about going out so we wont be needing your services. Goodbye. Hi Rosalyn. What are you talking about Calvin? You cant go out if Mom cant find her shoes right? And what do YOU know about THAT? Uh nothing! Ha ha! Um why? Are her shoes missing? Id like to be paid in advance tonight.
27/09/89
Phooey. Mom and Dad left. Now were here alone with the baby sitter from the black lagoon. Hee hee! Do you think she remembers how last time we threatened to flush her science notes down the toilet? Ha ha ha! Our finest moment. OK you get in bed. WHAT?! Its not even 6:30! She remembers all right. She cant get away with this. Well call the rescue squad.
28/09/89
Rosalyn? What are you doing out of bed? I thought I heard something outside. I didnt hear anything. It was kind of a thump. Will you go look and make sure its not anything scary? Ill check but I didnt hear any thump. Yes... yes! Go out the door! Two more steps! Oh please oh please! Yes yes yes! See? Theres nothing out here.
29/09/89
See Calvin? Theres nothing out here. But I KNOW I heard something! Go look OK? Please? OK if it will make you feel... HEY! SLAM THIS WAS A TRICK?! WHY YOU SNEAKY LITTLE DROP ILL GET YOU!! Hobbes! I locked her out! Now we can watch TV and eat cookies till were SICK! Oh boy! This is the best weve EVER been baby sat!
30/09/89
CALVIN WILL YOU LET ME BACK IN THE HOUSE THIS INSTANT! Dont worry Rosalyn! Theres only a 50% chance of rain tonight! Ha ha! Shes trying to open the downstairs windows. Its OK. I already locked them up. YOU OPEN UP THAT DOOR! Hey Roz! Whats in your purse? Mind if we look??
01/10/89
Hmm... For THIS patient Im going to need more tongue depressors.All right whats wrong with you? ... like I care. My foot hurts Doctor. Your FOOT hurts? What kind of a stupid problem is THAT?! Youre the doctor! Youre supposed to find out whats wrong with it. Its psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. Ill get a doctor. A LOBOTOMY?! Thats not what a REAL doctor would say! Yeah? Whos wearing the stethescope you or me? Heres a mallet. Do you want anesthesia? Wh... thats to test REFLEXES! Y-you dont know ANYTHING! How about a SHOT then? Like a shot in the mouth? That does it! I know more about medicine than you! Ill be the doctor now! Ow! Ow! Quit kicking! See thats why your dumb foot hurts! Stop it! Say it! Sai Im the doctor! OK youre the doctor! But Im not going to be any patient of YOURS! Im leaving! Fine! Good riddance! You ruin everything! The surgeon general should issue a warning about playing with girls. ID be Susies patient!
02/10/89
CALVIN IM TELLING YOUR PARENTS ABOUT THIS! NOW LET ME IN! Pipe down will ya Roz? Hobbes and I can hardly hear the TV! Youre not supposed to BE watching television! Hey if you go rent us a VCR and a mobie well put the TV near a window so you can watch too! LET ME IN! Are you 18? You could get us Venusian Vampire Vixens!
03/10/89
CALVIN! Hang on Roz. The phone is ringing! I hope its your parents! I hope they ask to talk to me! Boy youll be in trouble THEN! Its your boyfriend Charlie! Should I tell him that youre indisposed? Ha ha! No! LET ME TALK TO HIM! Say chas dont you think youre settling for too little in the girlfriend department?
04/10/89
Isnt it great to get out of the house alone together for a change? Its so nice and quiet. We should do this more often. CALVIN YOUVE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO OPEN THE DOOR BEFORE I BREAK A WINDOW! Im telling you Chuck your girlfriend is a psycho! I hope youre not makingany long-range plans around her.
05/10/89
Wow this is fun! All the TV shows were not allowed to watch and a bag of cookies each! SLAM! Hey what was that? AAUGH!! ROSALYN! H-how did YOU g-get in?? *gulp* whoops I think its past my bedtime.
06/10/89
It was all a misunderstanding! An innocent mistake! Let me explain! Calvin listen closely. Locking Rosalyn out of the house wasnt just MEAN it was DANGEROUS. If youd hurt yourself or if there was a fire she wouldnt have been able to help you. You go apologize to Rosalyn right now. I-Im sorry Rosalyn. And were sorry too. I PROMISE you Calvin will behave himself next time. An extra five would help there BE a next time.
07/10/89
Boy did I get in trouble. Stealing Moms shoes and making Mom and Dad late... then locking the baby sitter out of the house... whoof. Thats a lot to live down for just one evening. I feel pretty bad. And having eaten a whole package of Oreos doesnt help. You said it.
08/10/89
Why do animals always walk in circles before they lie down? Sorry. Privileged information. Z Psst! Hey kid! MONSTERS! What do you want? Theres a big shiny toy for you under the bed. Come get it! Oh sure! You just want me to come there so you can grab me with some oozing appendage slowly paralyze me with some vile secretion and devour me alive! Nice try! Forget it! Stupid monsters. All fangs and no brains. Psst! Tiger! Well give you some salmon if you push the kid over the bed! Is the salmon fresh? Hold on Ill check. Yeah its fresh. HOBBES DONT LISTEN TO THEM!!
09/10/89
Man this is boring! How am I ever going to read three whole pages of this by tomorrow? Its impossible! ... Impossible?? Why NOTHINGS impossible! Not for ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Bum ba ba daa dum bum ba ba daa dum
10/10/89
YES! Its ... STUPENDOUS MAN! Friend of freedom! Opponent of oppression! Lover of liberty! Great moons of Jupiter! Calvin (STUPENDOUS MANs 6-year-old alter ego) has three pages of boring homework to read! Its TYRANNY! Although STUPENDOUS MAN could easily read the assignment with stupendous high-speed vision the masked man of might has a bolder plan! With stupendous powers of reasoning the caped combatant conclused thateres no need for homework if theres no school tomorrow!
11/10/89
A blinding bolt of blazing crimson careens across the sky! Its STUPENDOUS MAN! Seconds later the amazing marvel alights upon an observatory telescope at Mount Palomar! With stupendous strength STUPENDOUS MAN carefully unscrews the giant lens... ... and blasts into space with it!
12/10/89
STUPENDOUS MAN circles the earth with a 200-inch telescope lens! Aligned perfectly with the sun the magnifying lens focuses the terrible solar energy... ... and fries a certain elementary school clean off the map! Now mild mannered Calvin has no need to do his homework ever again! Liberty prevails! Hows your homework coming along Calvin?
13/10/89
Uh oh its my arch-nemesis MOM-LADY! She cant discover my secret identity! Calvin? Are you doing your homework in there? Quickly STUPENDOUS MAN leaps into the closet to change back into his 6-year-old alter ego mild-mannered Calvin! Calvin? Are you in here? Unfortunately STUPENDOUS MANs cape is caught in mild-mannered Calvins zipper! Curses! This is going to be a good one I can tell. Geez Mom! Cant a guy have a little privacy?!
14/10/89
And why may I ask are you standing in your underwear in the closet? Oh no reason. Um.. I was hot. Youre SUPPOSED to be doing your homework! I dont need to do it now thanks to STUPENDOUS MAN! Oh yeah? It was great! He fried the school with a big magnifying lens in space! Im sure it will be in all the papers tomorrow. Boy shell be in trouble when she gives me my costume back. BIG trouble.
15/10/89
Thank you Claire. That was very good. ... all right whod like to go next? Anyone at all besides Calvin? HEY! For show-and-tell I brought these amazing fossilized bone fragments that I painstakingly unearthed from sedimentary deposits in my front yard! Though they look like ordinary driveway gravel to the untotured eyes of the ignorant layman I immediately recognized these as pieces of jawbone from a new species of carnosaur! In this dramatic illustration Ive re-created the complete Calvinosaurus as it would have appeared in the late Jurassic! Its coloration here is somewhat conjectural. Ill be publishing my full findings shortly! Undoubtedly Ill be the recipient of many lucrative paleontology prizes and in a matter of weeks prestige fame and fortune will be mine! When this happens you can be darn sure that those of you who were mean to me in school will suffer appropriately! Ill employ my resources to make your puny lives miserable! Ill crush your pitiful dreams and ambitions like bugs in the dust! ... but there IS an alternative! Im now accepting a limited number of applications to be my pal. The cost is just $20 per person and you can revel in the association for a lifetyme! Any takers? Oh yeah? Just you wait!
16/10/89
Uh oh Calvin the reptile is in trouble! As an ectotherm his body relies on the environment to warm or cool its temperature. Now that its colder outside Calvins body temperature falls and he becomes sluggish! Hell go into torpor if he cant find a warm place to lie! Leave the thermostat alone and put on a sweater if youre cold. I ... I dont have the en.. energy!
17/10/89
I heard that big cats dont purr. Thats true. Were too fierce and ferocious we dont ever purr. Well what do you call the noice you make when you get your tummy rubbed? Growling friendly-like.
18/10/89
Calvin your Mom and I looked over your report card and we think you could be doing better. But I dont like school. Why not? You like to read and you like to learn. I know you do. I mean youve read every dinosaur book ever written and youve learned a lot right? Reading and learning are fun. Yeah... So why dont you like school? We dont read about dinosaurs.
19/10/89
Ive got an idea Dad. Maybe Id get better grades if you offered me $1 for ever D $5 for every C $10 for every B and $50 for every A! Im not going to BRIBE you Calvin. You should apply yourself for your own good. Rats. I thought I could make an easy four bucks.
20/10/89
Hello? Valley hardware? Yes Im calling to see if you sell blasting caps detonators timers and wire. Just the wire? OK forget it. Do you rent bulldozers or backhoes? No no a rototiller wont do at all. I need something more like a wrecking ball. Do you know where I could get anything like that? No? OK goodbye. Looks like another boring day Hobbes.
21/10/89
I cant sleep Hobbes. Ive been thinking. What about? Well suppose theres no afterlife. That would mean THIS life is all you get. And THAT would mean Im sitting here in a bed as precious moments of my all-too-short life disappear forever. Honey wake up. Did you hear the television on?
22/10/89
Hey Hobbes! ... Hobbes! Its bedtime. Ooh I wouldnt have wanted to sleep through THAT. I wonder why we dream when we sleep. Do our brains get bored? I wonder why we dont just plain sleep. I think we dream so we dont have to be apart so long. If were in each others dreams we can plan together all night. Hey yeah! Well Ill see you in a few minutes ol buddy! Ill be there! Z Z
23/10/89
The strangest thing happened to me a few minutes ago. Oh? What? I was minding my own business when suddenly I was zapped into some sort of space void vortex! There I watched helplessly as an evil duplicate of myself from a parallel univere too my place on earth and... what have you done NOW? No no see it wasnt ME...
24/10/89
Heh heh heh! AHA! I see you! Sneaking up to pounce on me eh? Phooey. You see why MOST tigers dont chuckle to themselves.
25/10/89
Want to play a great game I invented? OK. Its called Gross Out. You say the grossest think you can imagine and then I try to think of something even grosser. Whoever comes up with the grossest thing gets a point and we play until someone gets 50 points OK? I think I already know whos going to win. Its weidt nobody ever played a whole game with me.
26/10/89
Pay attention to me.
27/10/89
Ive got to write a report for school. Whats your topic? Bats. Can you imagine anything more stupid? Heck I dont know anything about bats! How am I supposed to write a report on a subject I know nothing about?! Its impossible. I suppose research is out of the question. Oh like Im going to learn about bats and THEN write a report?! Give me a break!
28/10/89
Hell Susie? This is Calvin. You know this report were supposed to write for school? Yeah my topic is bats. Whats yours? Elephants? Hmm. Well are you going to the library to look up elephants? You are? Great! While youre there could you research bats too and make copies of all the information you find and maybe underline the important parts for me and sort of outline it so I wouldnt have to read it all? Howd it go? I really loathe girls.
29/10/89
His stabilizers useless his fuel about to explode our hero careens out of control over a strange unexplored planet! Yes its just another typical day for the incredible Spaceman Spiff! Zorched by Zarokes Spaceman Spiffs crippled craft crashes on Platet Plootarg! Dazed but undaunted our fearless hero sets off in search of a service station! Zounds! The zealous zarches have followed Spiff to the planets surface to finish him off! With a sudden chill our hero realizes the planets soft granular ground makes him easy to track! Thinking quickly Spiff runs backward so his tracks show him going the opposite direction! By continuing past a hiding place and doubling back our hero fools the hideous aliens! CALVIN! Its time to come in! We know he went this way. Well find him.
30/10/89
What am I going to do about this report on bats? Youve got to help me Hobbes! OK ... um first lets make a list of what we know. Yeah! Thats a good way to start! Great! Number one: what are bats? Theyre bugs arent they? Yeah put that down. #1 BATS = BUGS Are you sure? They fly right? Theyre ugly and hairy right? Cmon this is taking all day!
31/10/89
I think weve got enough information now dont you? All we have is one fact you made up. Thats plenty. By the time we add an introduction a few illustrations and a conclusion it will look like a graduate thesis. Besides Ive got a secret weapon that will GUARANTEE me a good grade! No teacher can resist THIS! What is it? A clear plastic binder! Pretty professional looking eh? I dont want co-author credit on this OK?
01/11/89
Hi Susie! Did you write your report? Yeah I spent all last evening on it. Did you? Well when you know as much as I do it doesnt take as long. Mine took about 15 minutes. 15 minutes? Lets see. I guess you wont be setting the grade curve THIS time Susie! Read it and weep. Bats: the big bug scourge of the skies. Note the professional clear plastic binder. Bats arent BUGS!
02/11/89
All right class who would like to give his report first? I WOULD! I WOULD! Why Calvin what a surprise to see YOU volunteer! You must have done a good job. Go to the front of the class. Oh boy! Now lets all pay attention. Go ahead Calvin. Thank you. Before I begin Id like everyone to notice that my report is in a professional clear plastic binder. Thats very nice. Go ahead. When a report looks this good you know itll get an A. Thats a tip kids. Write it down.
03/11/89
My report is on bats. ...ahem... Dusk! With a creepy tingling sensation you can hear the fluttering of leathery wings! BATS! With glowing red eyes and glistening fangs these unspeakable giant bugs drop onto... BATS ARENT BUGS!! Look whos giving the report? YOU chowderheads... or ME?! Calvin Id like to see you a moment.
04/11/89
Man alive! Can you believe what my teacher wrote on my report? She says I obviously did no research whatsoever on bats and that my scientific illustration looks like I traced the Batman logo and added fangs! Shes pretty perceptive. She didnt even give me credit for my professional clear plastic binder! What did your parents have to say? Nothing. And if youll give me a hand here it will stay that way.
05/11/89
Lets just sit here a moment... and savor the impending terror. Here we are perched at the peak of Mount Maim! Why? Because I like to experience life to the fullest! I say you dont fully APPRECIATE life until you risk losing it! I like to stare death straight in the eye and make him blink! If your adrenalin isnt pumping youre not really living! Right? Actually I think real living is sitting by a fire slurping marshmallows from the bottom of a mug of hot cocoa.
06/11/89
Hi Susie. What did you bring for lunch today? A swiss cheese and ketchup sandwich. Its my very favorite too. So I dont want to hear what gross thing YOU brought. Relax Susie. I bought cafeteria lunch today. Good. It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce. Thats beany-wienies! Really? Oh gross.
07/11/89
Hello? Hi Dad. Its me Calvin. Youre supposed to be at school! I AM at school. Are you all right? Whats the matter? Why are you calling? I told the teacher I had to go to the bathroom. Quick whats 11+7?
08/11/89
I was reading about how countless species are being pushed toward extinction by mans destruction of forests. Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
09/11/89
What are you DOING?! Youre going to be late for school! Hurry up and put your clothes on right. Its sad how some people cant handle a little variety.
10/11/89
I wonder why man was put on earth. Whats our purpose? Why are we here? Tiger food.
11/11/89
Z Z SNAP A little high-strung are we? We tigers all it lightning quick reflexes
12/11/89
Calvin suddenly realizes the world has no hue value or chroma! Have the photoreceptors in Calvins eyes stopped working properly or has the fundamental nature of light changed?? Perhaps some strange nuclear or chemical reaction on the sun has caused electromagnetic radiation to defy separation into a spectrum! Maybe objects no longer reflect certain wavelengths! Whatever the cause its clear to Clavin that theres no point in discussing things with his Dad! The problem is you see everything in terms of black and white. SOMETIMES THATS THE WAY THINGS ARE!!
13/11/89
Sighhhh... HEY! WHOA! WHOA! WAHHH BAM CALVIN QUIT BANGING AROUND!
14/11/89
Ow! What am I doing on the ceiling? Hmm... nothing else fell up. Just me. This is very strange. Even if I try to jump to the floor I land back on the ceiling! My personal gravity must have reversed polarity! Youd thing this is the type of thing wed learn about in science class but no we learn about cirrus clouds.
15/11/89
Having my personal gravity polarity reversed is a nuisance. How am I going to get up to the floor? Theres not anything on the ceiling that I could even climb up. How am I supposed to do my homework when Im trapped on the ceiling? Its impossible.
16/11/89
Mom and Dad wont be too happy about THIS. No sir. Dad will have to bolt my bed to the ceiling tonight and Mom will have to stand on a stepladder to hand me dinner. Then Ill have to hold my plate upside-down above my head and scrape the food off the underside! And if I spill anything it will fly 10 feet up to the floor and splot! This is going to be the most fun Ive ever had!
17/11/89
All this wide open ceiling space! I wish I could get my roller skates. Heyh maybe I can climb up this bookcase and when I get to the bottom shelf leap to a chair. Then I can pull myself across other pieces of furniture and work my way to the chest. I can hear Mom now: How on earth did you get sneaker prints on the underside of each shelf?!
18/11/89
There! I think I can jump to that chair and hang on to the back. GEERONIMOOO! WHOAAA! WHAM! Great. Just great. Calvin QUIT BANGING AROUND!
19/11/89
While lying on my back to make an angel in the snow I saw a greenish craft appear! A giant UFO! A strange unearthly hum it made! It hovered overhead! And aliens were moving round in view ports glowing red! I tried to run for cover but a hook that they had lowrd Snagged me by my overcoat and hoisted me aboard! Even then I tried to fight though they numbered many I poked them in their compound eyes and pulled on their antennae! It was no use! They dragged me to a platform tied me up and wired to my cranium a fiendish suction cup! They turned it on and current coursed across my cerebellum coaxing from my brain tissue the things I wouldnt tell em! All the math I ever learned the numbers and equations were mechanically removed in this brain-draining operation! My escape was an adventure. (I wont tell you what I did.) Suffice to say I cannot add so ask some other kid.
20/11/89
RRG! MMF! Getting any HOMEWORK done or are you just ruining furniture? Maybe Im hanging here for dear LIFE! Ever think of THAT?
21/11/89
Im TELLING you my personal gravity reversed its polarity! I fall UP now! Ive been trapped on the ceiling! I couldnt do my homework up THERE! My desk is on the FLOOR! You should be glad I wasnt OUTSIDE when it happened or Id be sailing through the ionosphere! Right. Now I dont want to hear any more nonsense until youre through with your homework understand? DONT LET GO! DONT LET GO!
22/11/89
Its... its a miracle! My personal gravity is back to normal! Glad to hear it. Now do your math. You bet Mom. Boy what a relief to be pulled down instead of up! Ill check your progress in a little bit. Uh oh.
23/11/89
This has been a most peculiar afternoon.
24/11/89
Ive got to get outside before I grow bigger! I suppose I should get my pituitary gland checked.
25/11/89
I know! Ill run downtown and find Dad at work! Maybe he can help! Hm... now which building does Dad work in? They all look the same. ... well maybe Dad can find ME.
26/11/89
Mom never lets me stay up to watch the TV shows I really want to see. Why not? She says theyre too educational. I watched a nature program on TV last night. Afterward I asked Dad if life was really nothing more than surviving long enough to reproduce before you became food for something else. Well he looked at me a minute and said he didnt know about the rest of it but he thought that the importance of reproducing was greatly overrated. Ive noticed in those programs how the young males often leave the herd at an early age. I think its GOOD that everyone becomes food.
27/11/89
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28/11/89
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29/11/89
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30/11/89
Well? Hows youre math coming along? Ive almost started!
01/12/89
Oh brother! Another discussion about my study habits and the importance of homework. Ive tried explaining that its hard to study when ones size suddently starts increasing but does SHE care?! Hah! No its just blah blah blah like its all MY fault! Moms never been as big as a galaxy so she cant understand how anyone ELSE could be! Sheesh. Oops it looks like shes wrapping up. Better start nodding. Good. Im glad we had this little talk.
02/12/89
Doing homework? Yeahhhh.... Boy you missed the show. I just god a big lecture from Mom just because I got stuck on the ceiling and then grew so big I fell off the planet when I was supposed to be doing my math! Gee THATS not very fair. You said it. Here how about helping me hurry up with these problems? Sure! Tigers are great at math! Now what do these little horizontal lines mean? Thats a minus sign. Let me know when youre done OK? Ill be reading comic books.
03/12/89
YOU CALL THIS DECEMBER?! Pitiful. Just pitiful. Here comes Susie. Ooh if only I had a snowball Id smack it right across the back of her fat head! Ill bet Santa Claus heard that! Oh man I forgot! I hate this time of the year. Youd better say youre sorry. IM SORRY! IM SORRY! I DIDNT MEAN IT! Youd better say you LIKE Susie. WHAT?! Never! Thats going too darn far. Youd better say youd like to give her muchas smoochies! MUCHAS SMOOCHIES?! Hi Calvin what are you doing? Fighting. Go away. I dont know whats weirder that youre fighting a stuffed animal or that you seem to be losing. IM NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it you! Ow! Stop it! After today Ill bet Santa takes a shovel to the reindeer stalls to fill YOUR stocking. Youre no better off than I am buddy.
04/12/89
When are we going to get a Christmas tree? Oh I dunno. Probably a little after New Years. AFTER NEW YEAR?? Sure. We can just go up the street and pick the best tree from the neighbors driveways. WHAT?! Sometimes theres still tinsel on the tree too so you dont even have to decorate it! Well save time AND money! OK what did your Dad tell you THIS time?
05/12/89
Yes Calvin? You have a question? Yeah I was wondering if we could stop the lesson here and adjourn to the playground for the rest of the day. Of course not. Now then lets all turn to page 24 and... Miss Wormwood? YES? How about just ME then?
06/12/89
For Show and Tell today I have something that will astound and amaze you! This little guy can... Have you all had your shots?
07/12/89
Are there any monsters under my bed tonight? Of course not. Come under and see for yourself. Yeah come and see. Heh heh heh. Oh right! You think Im falling for THAT?! Who am I TALKING to if there arent monsters down there?! Umm.. Uh.. Theyre all teeth and digestive tract. No brains at all. Why were dust balls! Yeah LITTLE dust balls!
08/12/89
EWW! Whats THIS disgusting stuff?! Its spider pie. You can pick out the legs and give them to your Dad if theyre too hairy for you. S-s-spider p-pie? Why I believe were going to have a quiet dinner for once. I know I dont feel like opening my mouth. Hey I LIKE it!
09/12/89
Want to go play outside? No its too much trouble. FIRST Id have to get up. THEN Id have to put on a coat. THEN Id have to find my hat and put IT on. (sigh) Then wed run around and Id get tired and when we came in Id have to take all that stuff off. No way. So what are you going to do instead? Im just going to sit here and wait for a good TV show to come on. Ill tell your Mom to turn you toward the light and water you periodically. Instead of making smart remarks you could get me the remote control.
10/12/89
IM HO-OME! A tiny snowman! Why are you down there without a coat? Me? No reason.
11/12/89
What are you doing still in bed?! Ive called you three times! Youre going to miss the bus! Thats the idea. Im staying in bed until Christmas. I want tons of loot this year and I figure my chances of being good improve greatly if I dont get up. Disobeying your mother and missing the bus isnt good. Its bad. That darn Santa has got me every way I turn.
12/12/89
I hate this time of the year. Ive got to be good for two more weeks if I want any goodies this Christmas! Ill never make it.I TRY to be good! I DO! My heart is as pure as driven snow! Its just that well sometimes events beyond my control conspire against me! Im usually an innocent bystand... HEY I SAW you roll your eyes! So you dont believe me eh?! ME?? By golly each of your eyes will be rolling toward the other when IM through with you! Ha! I hope you asked Santa for some crutches!
13/12/89
Miserable miscreant! Question my integrity will you? I cant QUESTION it until Ive see some EVIDENCE of it! AUGHH! IVE BEEN FIGHTING! Only in the loosest sense of the word. SANTA HE MADE ME! I DIDNT MEAN TO FIGHT! YES HE DID! YES HE DID! HE STARTED IT! I DID NOT! DID TOO! DID NOT! DID TOO! LIAR! LIAR!
14/12/89
Look Hobbes no one SAW us fighting right? This can be OUR little SECRET OK? Santa doesnt have to know about this right? Maybe he does and maybe he doesnt. OK OK Ill even apologize! Im sorry. Hows that? See its OK to fight just a little bit if you say youre sorry afterward. You bit and kicked. I SAID I was sorry! What more do you want?! You could let me read all your comic books. OVER MY DEAD BODY! Dear Santa know what Calvin did today?
15/12/89
Boy if it wasnt so close to Chrismas Id pound you good! Yeah Id like to see you try! Oh no you dont! Youre not tempting ME! I want every item on my Christmas list so Im being GOOD. No matter what the provication! Here comes Susie Derkins. Really? Quick help me find a pine cone I can throw at... ...NO! Im being GOOD! Good! Good! Good! Youll never make it till Christmas. Give up now and enjoy yourself.
16/12/89
Hi Calvin. Are you bringing your stuffed tiger to school today? No hes just keeping me company while I wait for the bus. Oh. But actually hes been nothing but trouble today. Hes trying to sabotage my Christmas by making me bad instead of good. Fortunately I asked Santa for such great presents that I can withstand any temptation. Im being an absolute angel. What did you ask for? A heat seeking guided missile. I figured five minutes with one of THOSE babies will make up for this whole rotten month.
17/12/89
There. Now we need to get this on the roof. SANTA --- WEIGHTED DOWN WITH EXTRA TOYS? DROP EM OFF HERE! --- CALVIN. Ive been thinking. They say Santa knows if youve been bad or good right? Right. But think how many kids there are in the whole world! Nobody could be watching every kid every single minute! I mean Santas OLD! He probably takes naps! THe way I figure it Santa must just make a few random checks on us once or twice a week. Thats all? Sure. Hed catch enough bad kids that way to scare everyone else into being good most of the time. Hed create the impression hes watching more than he really is! Pretty shrewd. Yeah but now that Im on to him Im going to smack Susie with a snowball! If I do it quick the odds of Santa watching me at that exact moment are virtually nil! What if Susie tells on you? Ooh I didnt think of that! Shes a girl so she probably WOULD snitch! Phoeey. Well I sure hope Santas watching now seeing as Im being so good. Unwillingly good but good nonetheless.
18/12/89
Want to help me write a book? Sure. Whats it about? Well you know what historical fiction is? This is sort of like that. Im writing a fictional autobiography. Its the story of my life but with a lot of parts completely made up. Why would you make up your own life? Because in my book I have a flame thrower!
19/12/89
Still and quiet feline form in the sun asleep and warm. His tail is limp his whiskers drooped Man what could make this cat so pooped? Sheeshh...
20/12/89
Hi Mom! Im making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Thats nice. Now Im looking for a page one lead story. Can I interview you? Sure. OK what are you cutting up there for dinner? Fish. Knife wielding mother hacks ichthyoid! Grim melee is evening ritual! Suburban family decours victim! Out of the kitchen! Out! Out!
21/12/89
Hi Dad. Im making my own newspaper to report the events of our household. Would you help me out? Sure what do you need? Well you can take your pick. Either you can give me 15 bucks to pay my labor and production costs... 15 bucks?! ... Or you can be the subjedt of a comic strip called Dopey Dad. So in the next panel Dopey Dad yells Its bed time for YOU young man! Hee Hee! Look how big I made his mouth!
22/12/89
Ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh ooh hahh I wish wed ged ad aquariub!
23/12/89
What story would you like tonight Calvin? Hamster Huey and the gooey Kablooie! Oh no not again! Thats what you hear EVERY night! Lets read something different! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! I WANT HAMSTER HUEY! Cmon well read a new story tonight. Youll like it I promise. No I wont! Ill stay awake until morning if you dont read Hamster Huey! I didnt remember Hamster Huey having quite that starcastic tone of voice. Or doing everthing so FAST.
24/12/89
and Santa if I get any lords a-leaping or geese a-laying youve HAD it. Hmm... That might not be politic. Im getting nervous about Christmas. Youre worried you havent been good? Thats just one question. Its all relative. Whats Santas definition? How good do you have to be to qualify as good? I havent KILLED anybody. See thats good right? I havent committed any felonies. I didnt start any wars. I dont practice cannibalism. Wouldnt you say thats pretty good? Wouldnt you say I should get lots of presents? But maybe good is more than the absence of bad. See THATs what worries me. ...OK assuming I can get an overnight letter to the north pole what would you charge to write me a glowing character reference? Oh no Im not going to perjure myself for you! MY records clean!
25/12/89
Ha ha! Its Christmas! Hurry up Mom and Dad! Its almost dawn! Here I got you a present. You got me a present? Gosh Hobbes how nice! I picked it out myself! Open it! Why its ... Its three cans of ... Uh... Salmon. Um thanks Hobbes. Gee I didnt get YOU a present. I feel terrible. I thought of that. See you could give me mine back! That would be a GOOD present! Well then here! Merry Christmas Hobbes! Why thank you! Its just what I wanted! Merry Christmas! Calvin did you know these cans over in the pantry?
26/12/89
Well here we are poised at the precipice of Pallbearer Peak on a flimsy sled! The mind recoils in horror to imagine the awful descent! Yes Its a thousand food vertical drop onto a boulder field lined with pricker bushes! Its a journey calculated to exceed the human capacity for blinding fear! Read to go? Ready!
27/12/89
New hat Dad? Yep. I like it. Thank you. So do I. AAUGH! Youre going to be late for work Dad!
28/12/89
You dont LIKE my Snowman House of Horror do you?!
29/12/89
I SEE YOU HOBBES! MAN WHAT A LOUSY SHOT! TIGERS CANT THROW WORTH A ... SMACK! I just threw the first one so youd turn around.
30/12/89
A new decade is coming up. Yeah big deal! Hmph. Where are the flying cars? Where are the moon colonies? Where are the personal robots and the zero gravity boots huh? You call this a new decade? You call this the future?? HA! Where are the rocket packs? Where are the disintegration rays? Where are the floating cities? Frankly Im not sure people have the brains to manage the technology theyve GOT. I mean look at this! We still have WEATHER?! Give me a break!
31/12/89
I asked Dad if he wanted to see some new years resolutions I wrote. He said hed be glad to and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions werent for ME they were for HIM. Thats why were outside now. I WONDERED what the rush was. Im getting disillusioned with these new years. They dont seem very new at all! Each new year is just like the old year! Here another year has gone by and everythings still the same! Theres still pollution and war and stupidity and greed! Things havent changed! I say what kind of future IS this?! I thought things were supposed to improve! I thought the future was supposed to be better! The problem with the future is that it keeps turning into the present.
01/01/90
No text
02/01/90
Before going down a steep hill like this one should always give his sled a safety check. Right. Seat belts? None. Signals? None. Brakes? None. Steering? None. Wheeeee
03/01/90
How cold is it outside? I dont know. Why dont you check? Its pretty darn cold. Id say. Let me show you an interesting gadget thats hanging outside the window.
04/01/90
No text
05/01/90
This is the part of winter I like best ... when you come inside freezing cold and soaked ... and you put on fresh dry clothes and run up to the warm kitchen where Moms got a steaming mug of hot chocolate waiting for you! Mom? Mom? HEY MOM! Calvin Im next door. Dont have anything to eat or youll spoil your appetite. Mom. Its going to be a long cold dark winter.
06/01/90
While IM doing this brain surgery YOU can make a donor and do a heart transplant! Forget it Calvin. Im not playing with you any more.
07/01/90
Ive decided to be more of a people person and make more friends. How come? I dont get enough presents. From now on Im devoting myself to the cultivation of interpersonal relationships. After all no man is an island. We all need love and the support of others. Were social beings with social needs. So as of today my goal is to be one with my fellow man to develop and foster those deep connections that ... just a minute ... Hey Susie! Heads up!! Ha ha!! Augh help help Ive changed my mind Hobbes. People are scum. I think TRUE happiness can only be found in the wanton indulgence of animals.
08/01/90
Look Hobbes my newest invention! Isnt that your transmogrifier? It WAS. But I made some modifications. See the box is on its side now. Its a duplicator! Ah. It combines the technologies of the transmogrifier and a photocopier so instead of merely making a reproduction on paper THIS machine actually creates a real duplicate! So our financial worries are over? And counterfeiting is just ONE of its many uses around the home!
09/01/90
Have you tested your duplicator machine yet? I was just about to. You can help. Oh boy! What will we duplicate first? Me. You?? Yeah! Mom wants me to clean my room so Ill duplicate myself and let the duplicate do the work! Smart huh? I can picture the look on your parents faces when they find out theyve suddenly had twins. Twins heck! This summer I can make a whole baseball team!
10/01/90
OK Hobbes press the button and duplicate me. Are you sure this is a good idea? Brother! You doubting Thomases get in the way of more scientific advances with your stupid ethical questions. This is a BRILLIANT idea. Will ya? Id hate to be accused of inhibiting scientific progress... here you go. Scientific progress goes boink? It worked! It worked! Im a genius! No youre not you liar! I invented this!
11/01/90
The duplicator worked! Hobbes meet my duplicate! Hey nice room. Oog Im not sure Im ready for this. OK Dupe! Hobbes and I are going out to play. You clean my room and when youre done Ive got some homework you can do too. WHAT?! Forget it bub! Find some OTHER sucker to do your dirty work! Last one outside is a rotten egg! HEY! COME BACK HERE! Hes a dupicate of you all right. What do you mean? THIS guy is a total jerk!
12/01/90
Where are YOU going? Did you clean your room like I asked you to? Im going outside. Calvin can clean his OWN room. I dont want any nonsense Calvin. Go upstairs. Calvin? Im not Calvin. Im his duplicate. Calvins in his room. What did I just say? No nonsense Calvin. Go clean your room. Boy you ARE a crabby lady! Who are you? Calvins cruel governess? That does it!
13/01/90
Cmon Hobbes. Wed better go find my duplicate before he gets me in trouble. Im telling you lady youve got the wrong guy! Im a duplicate of Calvin! Calvin is in his room! Well see abou tthat. Give me your coat. See Calvin? Theres no one here. Now thats enough games. Clean your room OK? Calvin? I dont see him Hobbes. Maye hes outside huh? Wed better hurry. I think I hear your Mom coming down the stairs.
14/01/90
The distant planet Z-12. Distant that is to everyone but Spaceman Spiff! The fearless explorer Spaceman Spiff cruises over the desolate dunes of an uncharted planet! No vegetation covers the rolling terrain. Millions of years of harsh exposure without an atmosphere has swept the surface clean. What strange chemicals must compose this alien soil! Crossing a rift the rocks abruptly change color! ZOUNDS! A huge mountain suddenly rises out of the plain! Our hero pulls up! Over the top Spiff discovers that it is not a mountain at all! The whole landscape is... is bedding for a horrendous monster! Zg! Mf! Huh? All right what time is it?! The creature appears hostile! With no time to lose our hero readies a hydro bomb!
15/01/90
Calvin! What are you doing outside? Didnt I just send you to clean your room two minutes ago?! No. I did too! Now get back upstairs. Im losing my patience for this game! She mustve found my duplicate! Cmon Hobbes wed better hurry before he gets us in more trouble! Number three hi! Im number two! Charmed.
16/01/90
Mom said she sent me upstairs a minute ago! That mustve been my duplicate! What a mess this is turning out to be! You said it! HE gets in trouble but IM the one who gets blamed! Wed better straighten him... AAUGH! Your duplicator is a big success. Oh no! Are you kidding? It burned out after the fifth one of us!
17/01/90
Oh no! My duplicates made duplicates! Hi were numbers two through six! Hobbes what am I going to do?! Better tell your Mom to put out the extra table settings. Look you guys have to stay in here and be real quiet! If my Mom finds out about this shell have a fit!
18/01/90
I dont know about the rest of you but Im going to get some cookies!
19/01/90
Calvin you know youre not allowed to eat cookies before dinner! Put those away! Did you clean your room yet? Im not Calvin. Im a duplicate. I dont want to hear about it. Now move! Ood some days that kid of mine ... WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! Why? Are you taking a survey?
20/01/90
IM HOME! Hi. Hi Calvin. Hi. I SAID Hi. Hi. Knock it off Calvin. Dear have a talk with him. Hes been driving me crazy.
21/01/90
No text
22/01/90
OK duplicates listen up. As long as youre all here and I dont know how to get rid of you we might as well cooperate. Specifically with five duplicates we can divide up the school week so theres one duplicate for each day. If the rest of us lay low we can take turns going to school and no one will be the wiser! Great! Now that still leaves us with the question of who gets the bed tonight. Well fight you for it.
23/01/90
Hi Calvin. Im not Calvin. Im duplicate number two. What are you talking about? We drew straws and todays my day to go to school. Were all taking turns so we each only go once a week. Calvin you are so weird Im not even going to talk to you. Im not Calvin. I wish I lived some-place where I went to a normal bus stop. Are you in Calvins class? Will you help me find his locker?
24/01/90
Calvin would you please demonstrate the hoemwork problem you were assigned yesterday? I wasnt here yesterday. Yes you were Calvin. Didnt you do your problem? Im not Calvin. Im duplicate number five. Duplicate number TWO was here yesterday not ME. Were all taking turns. Number two wil be back next week and you can ask him to do the problem THEN. Look I dont see whats so hard about this!
25/01/90
Guys? Its OK to come out! Its me number four. Im home. How was school today? Ahh I got sent to the Principals office just like numbers two and five did. Geez you guys! Even I dont get sent to the principal every DAY! Youre making me look bad! Look Calvin if you dont like our performance you can go to school YOURSELF! Whoa lets not jump to conclusions! Im just saying theres room for improvement. Hey four were you able to swipe any chalk? Yeah! The principal never frisked me!
26/01/90
Hobbes weve got to get rid of these duplicates! All they do is get me in trouble! Everyone thinks IM doing all these rotten things when really its a duplicate! Im being framed by my own doubles! RUN! HIDE! OUTTA MY WAY! It appears youve just perpetrated another crime. The worst part is that I dont even have the fun of doing the stuff Im getting blamed for.
27/01/90
All right what did you guys do NOW? Youd better hide Calvin! Your Moms on the warpath! CALVIN? Shes coming! Quick get under the duplicator box! There you are! What have you got to say for yourself? I want an explanation for this behavior! Tell her you need a bigger allowance! Yeah! Five TIMES bigger! Um can I get back to you on this Mom? NO.
28/01/90
Nyup nchyp. I think a burp died trying to get out of my mouth. Im thursty. THUMP. Monster eyes! HELP! HELP! ITS AFTER ME! ITS GOT ME! I CAN FEEL ITS TERRIBLE FANGS! CRASH BONK Sleepwalking again! Lets go back to bed honey. You had a nightmare. Oh it was YOU! It sure is creepy having a friend whose eyes glow in the dark. Its so we can see people who might be sneakin out of bed to fix a snack without making arrangements to share.
29/01/90
Boy Mom sure did read ME the riot act didnt she? I have an idea. Psst. Calvin! Is the cost clear? Did your Mom go away yet? Can we come out now? Oh no! Your Moms coming back! There she is! Stay in the box guys! Keep quiet! Yikes! Shh! Hobbes youre a genius! I dont hear her. Do you? Hey whats going on out there?
30/01/90
So long duplicates! What do you mean? Were not going anywh... ZAP! What did you transmogrify them into? Worms! Worms?! Well I didnt want them to be unhappy... Cool! Look at us! Ha ha! Lets go gross someone out!
31/01/90
Well Mom you dont need to worry about me getting into trouble any more. Oh really? Yup. See I made these duplicates of myself and THEY were the ones who were bad not me. Uh huh... But NOW look! I transmogrified them! OH CALVIN! DONT CARRY WORMS THROUGH THE HOUSE! OUT! OUT! Well there! You got me in trouble one last time. I hope youre happy! You sure you dont want to put us on your Dads dinner plate before we go?
01/02/90
Well Hobbes I guess we learned a valuable lesson from this duplicating mess. And what is? And that is um... Its that well... OK so we didnt learn any big lesson. Sue me. Live and dont learn thats us.
02/02/90
WHAP! DID YOU THROW THAT?!? Throw what? Let me see your mittens! There look! Flecks of bark pieces of gravel spots of mud and granules of ice! That was YOUR snowball all right! Thats the problem with having a signature style.
03/02/90
HA! YOU MISSED BY A MILE! NYA NYAHH! THBPTBH! Yes? Youre darn lucky I didnt get a snow blower for Christmas!
04/02/90
AAAAAA I think these comic books he reads are much too grim. Must be! Just look at him twitch.
05/02/90
QUIZ: Jack and Joe leave their homes at the same time and drive towards each other. Jack drives at 60 mph while Joe drives at 30 mph. They pass each other in 10 minutes. How far apart were Jack and Joe when they started? It was another baffling case. But then you dont hire a private eye for the easy ones ...
06/02/90
Id planned to take the day off and spend time with a couple of buddies. My buddies travel light and theyre fun to have around. One travels in a holster and the other in a hip flask. My name is Bullet. Tracer Bullet. What people call me is something else again. Im a private eye. It says so on my door. The last thing I wanted this morning was a case to solve but the dame who brought it was persuasive. Most dames are somehow. Get to work Calvin. I told her it would cost fifty greenbacks a day plus expenses.
07/02/90
I stepped out into the rainy streets and reviewed the facts. There werent many. Two saps Jack and Joe drive towards each other at 60 and 30 mph. After 10 minutes they pass. Im supposed to find out how far apart they started. Questions pour down like the rain. Who ARE these mugs? What were they trying to accomplish? Why was Jack in such a hurry? And what difference does it make where they started from? I had a hunch that before this was over Id be sorry I asked.
08/02/90
First I figured Id try the Derkins dame. Susie and I never hit it off although occasionally we hit each other. Susie had a face that suggested somebody upstairs had a weird sense of humor but I wasnt going to her place for laughs. I needed information. The way I looked at it Derkins acted awfully smug for a dame who had a head for numbers and not much else. Maybe shes got something on Jack and Joe. The question is will she sing? No I wont tell you what the answer is. Do your OWN work!
09/02/90
The Derkins dame wasnt talking. Someone had gotten to her first and shut her up good. I knew Susie and closing her mouth wouldve taken some work. I needed a clue and a drink. One of them I knew where to find. Youve made enough trips to the water fountain. Finish your quiz. Suddenly a gorilla pulled me in an alley squeezed my spine into an accordion and played a polka on me with brass knuckles. Youse aint going nowhere flatfoot.
10/02/90
The inside of my head was exploding with fireworks. Fortunately my last thought turned out the lights when it left. When I came to the pieces all fit together. Jack and Joes lives were defined by integers. Obviously they were part of a numbers racket! Back in the office I pulled the files on all the numbers BIG enough to keep Susie quiet and want me out of the picture. The answer hit me like a .44 slug. It had to be the number they called Mr. Billion. Answer: 1000000000. Case closed! Times up. Bring your papers forward. What did you get Calvin? I think the answers 15.
11/02/90
Uh oh here comes Calvin... The incurable weirdness poster child. Hi Calvin. Whats with the mask and bucket? HMPH. This is a poem! Please do what youre told! And here is a bucket of water ice-cold! Please take this water and dump it on me! Dont hesitate! Do it A.S.A.P.! Just wait till YOU touch the pernicious poem place!! Oooh youll be sorry THEN! Whee! I love playing CalvinBall! This is a bag flag zone!
12/02/90
I missed the bus Mom. Oh no. Hurry! If we jump in the car you can zoom up pass the bus on a straghtaway drop me off at a later stop and I can ride the bus from there! Cmon! What are you waiting for? Rev up the car! Moms so lazy.
13/02/90
Readyyy.. Aimmm...
14/02/90
Bedtime kiddo. Aw Mom! Cant I watch the next program? No you need your sleep. Cmon. Can I watch another 15 minutes? Please?? OK just 10 minutes! Then Ill go straight to bed! Five minutes! Just five minutes OK? Turn off the TV. Look Ill just watch a few more commercials OK? See heres my favorite gum commercial! I guess that got pretty pathetic.
15/02/90
Oh NO! I just remembered that today is Show and Tell day! I need something to show and tell about! Why cant you think of these things more than two minutes before the bus comes? What can I take? Ive gotta take something! Ive ...ah... ACHOOO Never mind Mom! Do we have any plastic bags? I dont want to know. I dont want to know. I dont...
16/02/90
See? SEE? Starboard is RIGHT! PORT is left! OK so I was wrong for once in my life! Shut up.
17/02/90
AARGHH! I MISSED! Its these fuzzy mittens! The snow STICKS to em and you cant throw straight! Darn it! Darn it! Darn it! I HATE these fuzzy mittens! If only Mom had gotten me padded gloves instead of these no-good awful rotten fuzzy mittens! WHAP! Well Ill be! My fuzzy mittens HAVE pads!
18/02/90
GRGHHG rGHHHH GRRGH RGGHH SNORRTT GHACKHGG Heh heh heh... Sorry... A litle sinus congestion... Sighhh...
19/02/90
WUMP!
20/02/90
ANY dumb kid can build a snowman but it takes a genius like me to create ART. This snow sculpture transcends corporeal likeness to epxress deeper truths about the human condition! This sculpture is about grief and suffering! One look at the tortured countenance of this figure confirms that the artist has drunk deeply from the cup of life! This work shall endure and inspire future generations!
21/02/90
Still making snow art? Yep! Yesterday your sculpture melted. This time Im taking advantage of my mediums impermanence... This sculpture is about transcience. As this figure melts it invites the viewer to contemplate the evanescence of life. This piece speaks to the horror of our own mortality! Hey stupid! Its too warm to build a snowman! What a dope! Ha ha ha ha! A philistine on the sidewalk. Genius is never understood in its own time.
22/02/90
Hows your snow art progressing? Ive moved into abstraction! Ah. This piece is about the inadequacy of traditional imagery and symbols to convey meaning in todays world. By abandoning representationalism Im free to express myself with pure form. Specific interpretation gives way to a more visceral response. I notice your oeuvre is monochromatic. Well cmon its just snow.
23/02/90
Dad if you threw a snowball at someone but deliberately missed would that be bad? Well I suppose that would be provoking so yes it would be a little bad. As bad as if youd hit the person? No not THAT bad but worse than if you hadnt thrown it at all. Suppose you just GRAZED the person. How bad would that be? Say maybe you knocked off his hat and his glasses or something. That would mean instant death.
24/02/90
Boys this pudding was great! Can I take a bowl upstairs to Hobbes? No I think youve had enough. I didnt say for ME. I said for HOBBES! Well I dont think Hobbes needs any either. WHY NOT?! Um... Because tigers need to stay lean and mean. Thats what she said. Im lean! Im mean! Tell her chocolate pudding makes my coat lustrous.
25/02/90
Theres Venus. Theres Mars. And theres Jupiter. And Im STUCK here. On a clear night like this you realize how incomprehensible the universe really is. I wonder what early man must have thought as he watched the skies. Hed see he was an infinitesimal part of creation but hed have no understanding of planets or stars or comets or anything. Imagine how big and mysterious the night wouldve seemed to him! Ill bet he felt very fragile and afraid dont you think? ... Hobbes? Hobbes?? ... h-hello? Anyb-body?? AUGH! WUMP! Ill bet THATs what he felt like! Saber-tooth tiger food! From now on Im going to stay inside all night and watch TV.
26/02/90
Why should I go to school?! Why cant I stay at home? Why do I have to learn? Why cant I stay the way I am? Whats the point of this? Why do things have to be this way? Why cant things be different? Life is full of mysteries isnt it? See you this afternoon. At 7:00am Moms not very philosophical.
27/02/90
All set? Yep! OK get read! NOW! SMASH Too bad the back of the camera opened when we landed. That wouldve been a great picture.
28/02/90
Ha! Ive got a great word and its on a double word score box! ZQFMGB isnt a word! It doesnt even have a vowel! It is SO a word! Its worm found in new guinea! Everyone knows that! Im looking it up. You do and Ill look up that 12-letter word YOU played with all the Xs and Js! Whats your score for ZQFMGB? 957.
01/03/90
Hey no TV until your homework is done. Its getting done. Not with you sitting HERE it isnt. Hobbes is reading my book for me. After Im done watching TV hell tell ME what the book was about and Ill tell HIM what the TV shows were about! See were doing twice as much in the same amount of time! Mom says YOU should watch TV and I should read the dumb book. Ugh I only like nature documentaries.
02/03/90
Hey Twinky gimme a quarter. WHAT?! Why should I give you my money?! Its for the Let Calvin Live Through The Recess Fund. Sounds like a worthy cause. His motto is Give before it hurts.
03/03/90
MOMMM! I NEED A DRINK OF WATER! Mphhh... Calvin its after midnight. Get a drink yourself. I cant. There are monsters under my bed! Im scared. OK... Ok... Ok... AAUGH
04/03/90
They mustve taken out an insurance policy on me... sighhh... ...sighhh...
05/03/90
OK Hobbes toss up this deck of cards and Ill plug the ace of spades! Oh boy a shooting trick! Go! BLAM bAM POW ZING BLOOIE BANG Here it is! Wow! Six clean holes through the ace! Pretty good huh? Want to know how I did it? I used a hole puncher ahead of time! Hmm on second thought Ill fold. Hey whats with this deck?!
06/03/90
This morning I had a wonderful dream. By holding my arms out stiff and pushing down hard I found I could suspend myself a few feet above the ground. I flapped harder and soon I was soaring effortlessly over the trees and telephone poles! I could FLY! I folded my arms back and zoomed lower over the neighborhood. Everyone was amazed and they ran along under me as I shot by. Then I rocketed up so fast that my eyes watered from the wind. I laughed and laughed making huge loops across the sky! ... Thats when Mom woke me up and said I was going to miss the bus if I didnt get my bottom out of the bot. 20 minutes later here I am standing in the cold rain waiting to go to school and I just remembered I forgot my lunch. Tuesdays dont start much worse than this.
07/03/90
I did it! I did it! Somehow I imagined the experience would be more rewarding.
08/03/90
Hewwo! Is Hobbesie-wobbsie sweepy? Ooh hes just a bog snoogie-woogie isnt he? Yes he IS! Hewwo snoogie woogie! GLOMP! HEY HEY! Ow! LEGGO YOU BLOODTHIRSTY CARNIVORE! OW! OW! OW! I can see why little tabby cats are so much more popular.
09/03/90
Once upon a time there was a ... Hold it. You know what ID like to see? Id like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. Tell me a story like THAT OK? And how should Hansel and Gretel meet THEIR untimely demise? The witch eats them and then the wolf eats the witch.
10/03/90
Hey Dad can I take the gas can for the lawn mower out in the back yard? Wah on earth for? Its 8;00 at night! I want to pour gasoline in big letters on the lawn... ...and set fire to it so airplanes can read it as they fly over! NO you cant do that! Dont be ridiculous! I dont even want to know what he intended to write.
11/03/90
Im hooOaaGHhH! AAAAAAAAA If you ache its because you dont properly stretch before exercising. I didnt know I was going to BE exercising!!
12/03/90
Do you... I mean does HOBBES want any tuna fish this week? No Hobbes stopped eating canned tuna. You know they kill dolphins to get it. OK Ill put it back. So what does Hobbes like now instead? Fresh swordfish steaks. He likes them grilled outside. Mm-hmm. How about peanut butter?
13/03/90
Heres some clean clothes. Will you put them away please? Hey my underwear isnt pressed! Neither are my socks! You didnt finish ironing. Buddy if you want your underwear ironed you can do it yourself! What kind of mother ARE you?! She should take more pride in her work.
14/03/90
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... She said they certainly wouldnt have PAID for me. You can relate this little story when reporters ask how I went bad.
15/03/90
Mom! Hobbes is reading my comic books! Tell him to stop! I told him to go buy his own and he SNaRLED at me! Make him give em back! Maybe you should be glad hes more literate than most stuffed animals. But theyre MY comic books not HIS! Well you should learn to share. I dont think Hobbes will hurt them. Are you kidding?! He drew a mustache and glasses on every picture of nuke-man last issue! In PeN! Why dont you go play outside Calvin?
16/03/90
Hows your math coming? I dont DO math any more. I decided Im more of a visual person. Good. Visualize being the only 45-year-old in first grade. Visualizing a few sums now eh? Actually Im visualizing YOU in traction. Help me do these OK?
17/03/90
Hey Hobbes Ill give you 20 questions to guess what I have in my hands OK? OK. Is it loathsome? Yes! Is it some big centipede with poison pinchers? Centipedes have poison pinchers? I think so. Man its a good thing you guessed it so fast! With you its never too difficult.
18/03/90
It says here that Religion is the opiate of the masses. ... what do you suppose that means? ... it means Karl Marx hadnt seen anything yet. What are you watching? Garbage. This show would insult a 6-year-old! And I should know. So why watch it? All the other shows are even worse! Why watch TV at all then? Theres nothing to do. Nothing to do?! You could read a book! Or write a letter! Or take a walk! When youre old youll wish you had more than memories of this tripe to look back on. Undoubtedly.
19/03/90
Where do we keep the extension cords? In the pantry on the bottom shelf. Where do we keep the blades for Dads electric saw? In the... Why do you want to know? Huh? Oh Im just making an inventory list so well always know where to find things. I get the feeling there was no right answer to that question.
20/03/90
Calvin come out from wherever youre hiding and take your bath! Do you hear me Calvin?! I mean NOW! OH NO! LOOK AT YOU! AUGH! GET OFF THE RUG! Like its MY fault she hasnt gotten the chimney swept.
21/03/90
Mom! Mom! I just saw the first robin of spring! Call the newspaper quick! Ha ha! A front page write-up! A commemorative plaque! A civic ceremony! All for me! Hooray! Hooray! Oh boy! Should I put the prize money in a trust fund or blow it all at once? Ha ha! I cant believe I did it! Calvin... Its a hard bitter cruel world to have to grow up in Hobbes. Cheer up! Did I tell you I saw a robin yesterday?
22/03/90
I sure like chocolate frosted sugar bombs! Look how brown the milk gets! Ugh. Want to see something weird? Look at the nutritional information on the back panel. Wow. 100% of the daily recommended allowance of caffeine! Hey look! You can send away for a chocolate frosted sugar bombs Buzzy the Hummingbird doll!
23/03/90
Eenie meenie miney moe! Catch a tiger by the toe! If he hollers um... Uh... Heh heh... Who writes these dumb things anyway?
24/03/90
County library? Yes do you have any books on homemade bombs? Thats what I said. I need a book that lists supplies and gives step-by-step instructions for building rigging and detonating them. Well what about your other branches? Dont THEY have any books like that? Boy and people wonder why kids dont read.
25/03/90
What should we have Dad read us tonight? ... so in the next panel Supertoad goes Plooie and ... My what big teeth you have! Said little Red Riding Hood. The better to eat you with! Said the wolf ... tiger ... said the tiger and he pounced on Little Red Riding Hood. Just then a hunter came by and when he saw the wolf ... tiger ... when he saw the tiger he picked up his gun and ... and? ...and it was too late. The tiger ate them both and he lived happily ever after. The end. Good story Dad! Thanks! Sniff. I always cry at happy endings.
26/03/90
IM FREE! IM FREE! At last! Home sweet ho... Oh no. Hoo hoo! That was a GOOD one! Look how far we landed! A house with a tiger is never home.
27/03/90
Look at you! How could anyone get so dirty at school? I got this dirty just trying to walk in the front door! Ol catapult butt was lying in wait for me. Well it doesnt matter. Youd better get in the tub now anyway. A BATH?! But its the middle of the afternoon! Yes but I have to get in the shower before your Dad gets home so HE can take one. Why all the baths? Is there some epidemic going around? I told you this morning were going out tonight. Rosalyn will be here at 6:0
28/03/90
Look I know you dont like Rosalyn but shes the only babysitter I could get. And you remember our talk after what happened LAST time dont you? I want you on your best behavior tonight.You do exactly what she tells you. I dont want to come home and hear any horror stories OK? For goodness sake Calvin! Take a breath before you pass out on the floor!
29/03/90
What are we going to DO Hobbes? Rosalyn will be here in just a few hours! Do you think shell remember how you locked her outside last time? If she does were dead! Shell probably stick my head on a stake in the front yard as a warning to OTHER kids she baby-sits! Im almost sure that would violate some zoning ordinance. Well no matter what were in big trouble unless we think of something FAST! I suppose we could try being GOOD. I mustve gotten water in my ear. WHAT did you say? Nothing. Forget it.
30/03/90
Hi Rosalyn come on in. Thanks for coming again. No trouble. Hi Rosalyn! You dont need to worry THIS time. Calvin will be on his best behavior tonight. Even so Id like an advance. An advance? But... But... Dear may I speak with you for a moment? But we GAVE her an advance on tonight when she LEFT last time! I dont care. Just pay what it takes to get us out of here!
31/03/90
OK were going. ... and Calvin? Yes? GCKKHHK! I think Ill sit in the middle of the floor and look at the wall tonight. Good. Ill tell you when its bedtime.
01/04/90
Man the harpoons! Thar she blows!! Can Hobbes take a bath too? No Hobbes doesnt need one. Hold still. By golly what if I drown because nobody was here to rescue me?? Hobbes! Cmere! Mom cant know youre in here okay? Ill disguise myself with bubbles. Hmm ... you need a hat. Hang on and Ill get one of Dads. I like his gray one the best. Maybe you should wear a tie too. Ill be right back. Better hurry! I think I hear your mom coming! Dear! Why are you taking a bath?!? ... and wearing your best hat!!
02/04/90
This is awful! If we step out of line ONCE tonight Rosalyn will kill us and then Mom and Dad will kill us again when they get home. I guess thats that. What?! Admit defeat? NEVER! Things may look grim for us but NOTHING is grim for... ...STUPENDOUS MAN! Champion of Liberty! Foe of tyranny! Im going to get in bed now and avoid the rush.
03/04/90
A bolt of fiery crimson streaks across the sky! Its STUPENDOUS MAN! The fiendish baby sitter girl has a local household in her iron grip of terror! The man of mega-might zooms to the rescue! Im in luck! Baby sitter girl is momentarily distracted! Hi Charlie its Rosalyn. Yeah Im over at the little monsters house again. Hmm? No actually hes been pretty good tonight. Yeah I cant believe it.
04/04/90
Anyway Charlie Im sorry we couldnt go out tonight but this little creeps parents are so desperate to get away from him once in a while that they... YAHH! FREEDOM AND JUSTICE SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL OVER TYRANNY BABY SITTER GIRL! Get off me Calvin you pest! Ow! Let go! Quit it! STUPENDOUS MAN has the strength of a million mortal men! Give up! Listen Charlie Im going to have to call you back. You wouldnt believe what this cretin is wearing. With muscles of magnitude STUPENDOUS MAN fights with heroic resolve!
05/04/90
OK Calvin you want to play rough huh? Great moons of Neptune! She must have super powers too! Youve got TWO seconds to get your caped butt in bed or Ill put it there for good! Oh no! The evil Amazon is using some psycho-beam to weaken my stupendous will! Im counting! ONNNNE... *Gasp* I... I... must resist! TWO! In a vermillion flash STUPENDOUS MAN is in the air!
06/04/90
With stupendous speed STUPENDOUS MAN is out the door! All right Calvin! Whered you go?! I know youre out here! Your parents told you to BEHAVE tonight remember?! Theyre not going to be happy when they hear about THIS! See if we had bought a dog instead like I wanted we could go out like this all the time. Honey we came here to relax. Lets talk about something else.
07/04/90
There is no way Im getting paid enough for this kind of aggravation. How could a kid with such little legs go so fast?! Secure in his secret fortress STUPENDOUS MAN plans his strategy! Baby sitter girl is no match for STUPENDOUS MANs stupendous intellect! Calvin youre in big trouble if you dont come out! You made it back alive! Of course! I made a stupendous dash as soon as Rosalyn went around the house! She STILL doesnt know where I am!
08/04/90
HEY CALVIN! Are we near a slaughterhouse or did you forget your deodorant?! DROP DEAD SUSIE! Youre so ugly I hear your Mom puts a bag over your head before she kisses you goodnight!! Its shameless the way we flirt. Whats it like to fall in love? Well... say the object of your affection walks by... Yeah? First your heart falls into your stomach and splashes your innards. All the moisture makes you sweat profusely. This condensation short circuits to your brain and you get all woozy. When your brain burns out altogether your mouth disengages and you babble like a cretin until she leaves. THATS love?!? Medically speaking. Heck that happened to ME once but I figured it was COOTIES!!
09/04/90
There goes Rosalyn around the house again. She still doesnt know you sneaked back inside. Now Ill change back into my secret identity alter ego! Uh oh. She saw the light on in this room. Shes coming in! Quick! Get in the covers! Pretend weve just been reading in bed! But she knows you attacked her and ran outside half an hour ago! That was STUPENDOUS MAN! Not mild-mannered Calvin! IVE been in bed with my PJs since 8:00. You think shes going to believe THAT? My covers are here. My pajamas are HERE. Its as plain as can be!
10/04/90
All right! I found you! Found?? Why what do you mean? Ive been in bed reading all evening with Hobbes. Dont give me that! You just now sneaked inside took off your silly costume and jumped in bed! I know what you did! Well youre gonna get it NOW bucko! Oh yea? What are you going to do to me huh? You cant send me to bed when Im already IN bed! Sorry to spoil your fun you eel! OK. Downstairs! MARCH! Hey you cant take me OUT of bed! I need my SLEEP! Hey! Hey!
11/04/90
While your Dad is taking Rosalyn home perhaps YOUD like to explain what happened tonight. Gosh Mom whats to tell? At 8:00 I put on my pajamas brushed my teeth and went straight to bed. Nothing happened. And this? Uh... LIES! All lies! Rosalyn made me do that just so Id get in trouble! She hates kids! None of that is true! I went straight to bed! Nice try Pinocchio. Well whod have thought Rosalyn would make me write a full confession?!
12/04/90
No TV for a week! What injustice! They think theyve won but they havent! ILL show em! I REFUSE to learn a lesson! Im indomitable! They cant change me! Ill sit in front of the TV all week even if I cant turn it on!
13/04/90
Dad will you explain the theory of relativity to me? I dont understand why time goes slower at great speed. Its because you keep changing time zones. See if you fly to California you gain three hours on a five-hour flight right? So if you go at the speed of light you gain MORE time because it doesnt take as long to get there. Of course the theory of relativity works only if youre going west. Gee thats not what Mom said at ALL! She must be totally off her rocker. Well we men are better at abstract reasoning. Go tell her that.
14/04/90
Mom can we go out to the highway? Do what? See Ill put on my roller skates and tie a rope from the car bumper to my waist. Then when I give you the high five you patch out while I ride behind at 55 mph! What do you say? Can we go? I sure wish YOU could drive.
15/04/90
Hey Mom can I drive now? No. How about NOW? KLUNK Oh no! Oh you stupid car! Whats wrong with you NOW?!? Thats it Mom! Go ahead and swear! We dont mid! CALVIN BE QUIET! Want Hobbes and me to go get help? You stay where you are Ill look under the hood. Kick the car Mom! It works on the TV! Look at all these cars going by. Nobodys stopping to help. Lets blow the horn! Maybe someone will come. BEEEEEP! Beep! Beep! AAUGH! HOORAYY!! Someone stopped! Were heroes!! Want me to call a tow truck lady? First call the police and report an infanticide.
16/04/90
Wow! Nobody is on the swings! I cant believe it! Ha ha! I almost NEVER get a swing at recess! This is great! No one is telling me to hurry up! Higher! Higher! Whee! ... either this is my lucky day or I missed the end-of-recess bell again.
17/04/90
Hey Calvin didnt you sign up to play baseball at recess? No why? You must be the only boy who didnt. All the others are playing in the back fields. You mean Im the only boy on a playground full of GIRLS?! It sure looks like it. Want to ride on the teeter-totter with me? Oh no! Im in COOTIE CENTRAL! I havent had my shots! Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies. Air filter! Air filter!
18/04/90
Why didnt you sign up to play baseball like the rest of the boys? Didnt you like sports? I dunno. Id just rather run around. I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebodys always yelling at you telling you where to be what to do and when to do it. I figure when I want THAT Ill join the army and at least get paid.
19/04/90
Hey lookit the sissy who didnt sign up for recess baseball. Im not a sissy! Oh yeah? Youd rather play dolls on the playground with girls. I wasnt playing with dolls! Sure you werent! Let me see your Barbie doll you sissy wimp! Im not a wimp! In fact I was going to the office to sign up for baseball right now! Then again if Im not a wimp why am I taking the path of least resistance?
20/04/90
I signed up to play baseball every recess and I dont even like baseball that much. I mean its fun playing baseball with just YOU because we both get to pitch bat run and catch all at once. We get to DO everything. Mostly we just argue over the rules we make up! Thats the part I like! But this will be with TEAMS and assigned positions and an umpire! Its BORING playing it the REAL way! Do you have know HOW to play the real way? See thats another problem! Suppose they make me a halfback. Can I tackle the shortstop or not?
21/04/90
I hear you signed up to play softball at recess. Yeah but I didnt even want to. I just did it to stop getting teased. Well sports are good for you. They teach teamwork and cooperation. You learn how to win graciously and accept defeat. It builds character. Every time Ive built character Ive regretted it! I dont WANT to learn teamwork! I dont WANT to learn about winning and losing! Heck I dont even want to COMPETE! Whats wrong with just having fun by yourself huh?! When you grow up its not allowed. All the more reason I should do it NOW!
22/04/90
Aachoo! Gesundheit! Okay! How many monsters are under my bed tonight? Just one. Thats good Hobbes! We outnumber him! Hee hee! Wanna get him? Yeah! See if you can reach the baseball bat! Heh heh! Quit shoving you hogs! Mommmmm! Nice going Maurice.
23/04/90
Cmon lets go outside and try some catches before dinner OK? A little practice will make you more confident tomorrow at recess. I hate these father-son things. Go out a little bit and Ill hit you a grounder. Why did I sign up for this? I should just move. Ready? Now be sure to run up to the ball. Dont just let it roll to you. Are you OK? Sometimes the ball bounces up like that and youve got to be ready. Thags for the tib Dad. Fide my node and put id in ice so they can sew id bag od!
24/04/90
Goodness what happened?! You were only out there a minute! A grounder bounced up and hit Calvin on the nose. IB BLEEDIG! BY ODE DAD ID TRYIG TO GILL ME! Hold your head back honey. Heres some more tissues. Ib nod playig badeball eddy more! Nebber again! I hade it! Sit still so the bleeding can stop OK? I guess we can forget having a millionaire baseball player support us in our old age. Dear! All my charagder id drippig out my node!
25/04/90
Hows the nose? It finally stopped bleeding. I guess that means I have to go to school tomorrow. My whole life is a disaster. I get injured just trying to learn the skills it takes to play a game I dont even want to play! Your nose is probably all clogged up now huh? *snrkk* yeah why? If you snore Im tilting the bed so you role out of the window. Its always nice to have a sympathetic friend to talk to.
26/04/90
I see youre bringing a glove today. Did you sign up for recess baseball? Yeah dont remind me. Youre lucky that GIRLS dont have to put up with this nonsense. If a GIRL doesnt want to splay sports thats fine! But if a GUY doesnt spend his afternoons chasing some stuped ball hes called a wimp! You girls have it easy! On the other hand BOYS arent expected to spend their lives 20 pounds underweight. And if you dont play sports you dont get to make beer commercials!
27/04/90
Mr Lockjaw? Im Calvin. Im supposed to be on team five now. Oh yes youre the one who signed up late. Hmm... OK you go play left field. Left field. OK I know that. Lets see if Im HERE then left field would be... That way. Play DEEP left field. I guess this is pretty dep.
28/04/90
I think baseball is the most boring game in the world. Ive been standing out here in deep left field all this time and not a single ball has come out here! Actually I suppose thats just as well. I dont know what base to throw to anyway. In fact Im not even sure I can throw that far. Hey whats everyone doing? Are people switching teams or what? The guys at bat are now out HERE! Well Im sure someone would tell me if I was supposed to be doing anything different.
29/04/90
Ready? Let me check what the deductible is on my insurance policy... Munch munch. Would you care for a soft dring? OK. H-h-here y-you a-a-are! Any dessert? No thanks. Well be landing shortly. The captain has turned off the seat belt sign. Thank you for choosing Calvins flight Z40 non-stop to Stoney Gulch. Next time I wont take the dinner flight.
30/04/90
Our hero the fearless Spaceman Spiff is marooned on the most distant planet in the galaxy! Theres no hope of rescue from this bleak and isolated world! Oh what a desolate place to be trapped! Spiff tries desparately to repair his disabled spacecraft! CRACK High fly to left field! Whos out there?! Our hero pauses. Theres some commotion on the horizon. ALIENS! Spiff grabs his blaster!
01/05/90
Wheres the left fielder?! Somebody catch it! Left field?! Hey thats ME! Wow! A high fly right to me! I got it! I got it! I caught it!! HE CAUGHT IT! ITS AN OUT! WAP! Im just a natural athlete I guess. Hey whos HE? Isnt he on the other team?
02/05/90
Hey look who made the out! Its CALVIN! Heck it was nothing guys. When youre in top physical condition like me you can... You moron! What were you doing in the outflied?! Its a new inning! Were up to BAT! Huh? You caught the ball for the wrong team! You got our own guy out! What a dweeb! What a jerk! What an idiot! Oops I dropped the catch. It doesnt count now right? Get him off our team Mr Lockjaw! Can I hit him with the bat? Please? Please??
03/05/90
Hey stupid if youre going to get OUR guys out why dont you join the other team?! What were you doing in the outfield? Dont you even know how to play?! Cmon guys its just a GAME! This is supposed to be fun! Games are only fun when you WIN bonehead! Youre gonna make us LOSE! If you screw up again youre dead meat Calvin! Who taught you how to play anyway? Your grandmother? Wait till I tell the other teams about THIS! Mr Lockjaw I dont want to play any more. Theres too much team spirit. OK quitter! Goodbye.
04/05/90
I dont understand it Hobbes. The kids teased me when I DIDNT play baseball. Then they yelled at me when I DID play. Then the teacher called me a quitter when I STOPPED playing. Unless youre a star you cant please ANYone. In that case why not just please yourself? Because Mom wont let me move to Madagascar.
05/05/90
Its Saturday! What do you want to do? Anything but play an organized sport. Want to play Calvinball? YEAH! No sport is less organized than Calvinball! New rule! New rule! If you dont touch a 30-yard base wicket with the flag you have to hop on one foot!
06/05/90
How come we play war and not peace? Too few role models. Ill be the fearless American defender of liberty and democracy ... and you can be the loathsome godless communist oppressor. Were at war so if you get hit with a dart youre dead and the other
07/05/90
Today for Show and Tell I have a souvenir from the afterlife! Yes you heard right! Equally amazing is my own story of yesterday afternoon when I actually died of boredom! I was doing my homework when I suddenly collapsed! I felt myself rising and could see my crumpled body on the floor. I drifted up in a shaft of light and entered the next world! Eventually my heart started again and I came back to life... but not before bringing THIS back! A yo-yo? It was pretty boring THERE too. Lets have a look at that homework.
08/05/90
And so having eaten her fill the mother bird returns to her nest... ...where she regurgitates the worms to feed her hungry brood.
09/05/90
...sighhhhhh... CALVIN PAY ATTENTION! AUGH Theres no head rest on this chair! I should sue for whiplash!
10/05/90
Hey Mom did you feel anything funny when you got dressed today? Funny? What do you mean? Well tickly maybe... or scratchy? Anything like a bite or a sting? WHY? And what have you got behind your back?! Um... here you may want these. Well heh heh gotta run! Women! Always changing their clothes! After I get that kid youre next.
11/05/90
This time Im really going to learn how to ride that bicycle! Balancing on two wheels is just as easy as balancing on two fee... Id say that crossed the line from ironic coincidence to evil omen.
12/05/90
I dont want to do my homework. I want to have FUN. TOO MUCH STRESS IS UNHEALTHY YOU KNOW! I dont see why I had to come in.
13/05/90
Did you ask your Mom if you could jump off the roof? Questions I know the answers to I dont need to ask right? Is this blanket big enough? Perfect! See Ill just grab all the corners and make a parachute! You can watch as I float to the ground gently as a leaf. Geronimo!! Crunch! His Moms going to have a fit about those rose bushes.
14/05/90
Ive come up with a new system for doing homework. I call it effective time management or ETM for short. Ive drawn up a schedule for each school subject and I use this kitchen timer to monitor my pace. Thanks to ETM Im much more efficient and my work goes faster! RINGG There! My math minute is set up! Set the clock for my spelling assignment OK? Um your schedule calls for smaller time increments than this clock can measure.
15/05/90
No I wont take a picture of you.
16/05/90
KA ZAM! What?
17/05/90
EWW! What IS this?! It looks like COMPOST! Mom doesnt appreciate me.
18/05/90
Hey Hobbes whats a paper tiger? Its like a paper boy. You know a tiger with a newspaper route. Oh. This book makes no sense at all.
19/05/90
Hey Dad would you pay me a dollar to eat a bug. No youd have to eat a bucket of bugs before I pay you a dollar. A whole bucket? Or Id pay you a dollar to pick up sticks in the back yard. All my REAL skills are undervalued.
20/05/90
Hey Dad remember our car? Why sure. Wait a minute what do you mean remember? Hobbes I have a conjectural moral question. Maybe you can help. Sure. Suppose I did something bad should I tell Dad? How bad are we supposing? Well hypothetically lets say pretty bad like to his car hypothetically. How bad hypothetically to his car? Well lets pretend it was REAL bad. Should we pretend it could be fixed? If we imagined he could FIND the car we could pretend it might be fixed. I see. You can keep the book. Ill call the bus station. Que Pasa Senorita? I am el fugitivo!
21/05/90
On a distant planet Zark we find the empty red spacecraft of our hero the bod SPACEMAN SPIFF! Uh oh! Up ahead the rocks are charred with death ray blasts! A violent struggle took place here! And only the tracks of a large sinister alien leave the scene! What has happened to the earthling explorer? Calvin this is humiliating!! I dont want to go! Put me down!
22/05/90
Spaceman Spiff is being held prisoner by hideous aliens! What do they want with him? Spiff is soon to find out! Our hero is called before the alien potentate! ... where it becomes clear that Spiff is about to be sacrificed... ... to appease the evil god they call nollij! Up to the blackboard. Hurry up.
23/05/90
Staring death in the face our hero thinks fast. Inching closer to the sacrificial pit Spiff slowly and smoothly reaches for the tiny atom blaster concealed in his belt! YAA! All right you bloodsucking mutant chromosomal disasters! Nobody move! Im outta here! Calvin give me that rubber band right this minute! I SAID NOBODY MOVE!
24/05/90
Spiff escapes! The dank and smelly corridors of the alien fortress are deserted! All the aliens had gathered for the spectacle of our heros demise! The fearless space explorer makes it to the planet surface but the alien queen is in pursuit! Calvin get back here! Spiff jumps into the cockpit pressurises the launch thrusters and... blasts off! Our hero is safe! Tomorrow: Or IS he??
25/05/90
Calvin! What are you doing home?! Its not even noon! Uh they let us out early today. There was um a gas leak. WHAT?! Does anyone know you left?! Im calling the school. Dont waste your time! Everyone was evacuated! Theres nobody there! Hello? Elementary school office please. Our hero hadnt counted on running into a zark enforcer ship! Spiffs evasive maneuvers come to naught! This could be the end!
26/05/90
Boy I sure got in big trouble TODAY! Mom hit the roof when she found out I just left school. What happened? She drove me back and we had to talk to my teacher AND the principal! They talked about study habits and now Ive got extra homework! Ooh. And Dad is going to check it every night to make sure its done right! Can you believe it?! So try to do an extra good job now OK? Youre lucky tigers are so smart.
27/05/90
Im taking the umbrella outside. Well thats showing a little foresight for once. Good for you. Wait a minute. You really think this will work? Of course! Lets go! Smash! Bonk bonk bonk. Look! Im flying!! I had my eyes shut. How was it? Great! What a ride! Lets get some other kids and charge em!
28/05/90
UFOs! Are they real?? Have they landed in our towns and neighborhoods? Do the chilling photographs by an amateur photographer really show a sinister alien spaceship and the grim results of a close encounter or are the pictures an elaborate hoax? Listen to an expoert on space aliens speculate on their hideous biology and their horrifying weaponry! All this and more... ...on Calvins show and tell ... NEXT! Calvin will you come here please?
29/05/90
Twitching tufted tail a toasty tawny tummy: a tired tiger. ... an alliterative haiku by Calvin. Thank you thank you. Sheesh.
30/05/90
You know how people look at modern art and always say My 6-year old kid could do that!? Well that gave me this great idea! Ive decided to become a forger and get rich passing off fake paintings to museums! A lot of paintings sell for tens of millions of dollars now so I make a pretty good hourly rate. You should probably scratch out the copyright date on the cartoon stationery. Ooh yeah glad you caught that!
31/05/90
Once upon a time there was... Hold it. This story doesnt have any shoot-ups in it does it? You mean guns? No. Any violence at all? Um... not really. Any references to satanism? Any profanity? Any car chases? Any lewd parts? Of course not! What makes you think Ill like this?
01/06/90
Hey Mom want to see something great? With one sip from this ordinary can of soda I can burp for almost ten seconds straight! Calvin I dont... But thats not all! At the same time Ill also recite a gross limerick I learned at school! ...Ready? Maybe if you recited the Gettysburg addres... Forget it. My talents are wasted on her kind.
02/06/90
Well look whos up! Good morning sleepyhead! Youve missed the best part of the day! Ive been up since 6:30 getting many things accomplished! At least when I have a day off I can tell the difference. I just KNOW some nurse switched the bassinets.
03/06/90
Honey we have to leave soon. Is Calvin taking his bath? Oh good. While Im taking my bath you can brush your teeth and comb your hair. Right. Your dad wont mind if I use his cologne will he? Well go easy this time. Think I should shave? No go for the Don Johnson fuzzy look. Heres a tie and one of my sport coats. Perfect! Right out of GQ! boy I look good in anything dont I? Refresh my memory. How did I get talked into this one? My friend would like to see the wine list.
04/06/90
CLICK. Pander to me!
05/06/90
Playing a record? Ill show you something interesting. Compare a point on the label with a point on the records outer edge. They both make a complete circule in the same amount of time right? Yeah... but the point on the records edge has to make a bigger circule in the same time so it goes faster. See two points on one disk move at two speeds even though they both make the same revolutions per minute!
06/06/90
On your mark... get set... GO! IM going so slow Im moving BACKWARD! Im winning! Thats cheating!
07/06/90
Hello? Hi Dad! Calvin is this important? Oops. Wait. Foget I called you Dad OK? This isnt Calvin. Calvin Ive got work to do. Ill see you when I get home. OK? Goodbye. Wait! Do you have any crimes to report? Phooey. This secret identity stuff is hard to get used to.
08/06/90
Want to see something cool? Ive got a baby tooth thats just hanging by a thread... and I can turn it all the way around with my tongue... or make it swing from side to side! See? See? Theyre all just jealous.
09/06/90
LOOK! I dont see anything. You missed it. Well Im done. What did he see? An opportunity.
10/06/90
Wanna go catch some fish? Sure. Ugh. I dont want to touch these worms will you put one on my hook? Me? Im not gonna spear any worms. I know ... lets just dump the worms in the water and when the fish come up to eat them well catch them in the net! Pretty smart huh? Thats what I like about surviving in the wild ... pitting our wits against the raging elements! The worms are getting soggy. Ooh they are starting to sink. Bloop bloop bloop. Lets pit our wits against some fast food cheesburgers. Those come in neat little boxes. Yeah whod want to eat something that eats worms anyway?
11/06/90
I dont feel so good. You dont look so good. Let me feel your forehead. Summer vacation started! I cant be sick! Your heads hot. Ill get the thermometer. NO! I REFUSE! FORGET IT! I HATE THERMOMETERS! I still dont believe her that these things take two hours to register. Now be nice and quiet and Ill check on you this afternoon.
12/06/90
Ooh I itch! This is worse than bug bites! Whatever it is its driving me crazy! COOL!
13/06/90
Yep thats chicken pox all right. CHICKEN pox?! Mom what IS this guy? A veterinarian? The virus should run its course in about a week. Hes mad! MAD I say! Ill be the REAL doctor is tied up and gagged in the other exam room! Hes extremely contagious so keep him away from other kids. Sue him Mom! Drive his malpractice insurance up! Calvin has to be INSIDE for a WEEK?? Thats a nasty twitch youve developed. Hey Doc for 10 bucks Ill make sure you see those kids in the waiting room again real soon!
14/06/90
Hello? Hi Susie! Its me Calvin! I was wondering if youd like to come over and play. Why sure! Boy I dont think youve EVER invited me to... Calvin what are you doing? Nothing Mom. Go away. Youre contagious! You cant have anyone over to play! Shh! Shh! Youll spoil the whole thing! I was going to trick Susie into catching... hey! Let go! Ow! *CLICK* Any chance of getting transferred Dad?
15/06/90
Youre absolutely positive tigers cant catch chicken pox? Right. Youre absolutely POSITIVE tigers cant catch chicken pox? Go to bed Calvin.
16/06/90
See the chicken pox are going away. Thats good. Well just remember that this week doesnt count. Doesnt count? Right. Summer vacation days dont count if youre sick. I get to start school a week later now. So I get my full allotment of vacation. OK whats the NEXT amendment say? I know its in here someplace.
17/06/90
Weve got a baby sitter tonight. Ready? Ready. Calvin the baby sitter is here! Were going! Be good ok? Hi there. You must be Calvin. Hmmph. Youre not my mom. So I dont have to do anything you say. Im going to do whatever I feel like so just stay out of the way. Calvin take a look by the telephone and tell me what you see. A note Mom left with emergency numbers. Right. Now you wouldnt want me to have to call any of those numbers would you? Well. It must be 6:30. Guess Ill turn in. for eight bucks a night I dont put up with much.
18/06/90
Can I be excused? Theres a TV show I want to see. Were still eating dinner Calvin. IM through. This stuff was awful. I want to go watch television. Its impolite to leave the table in the middle of a meal. So what am I supposed to do? Just sit here and watch you guys chew?! Ill miss my show! Your TV show isnt as important as spending some time together as a family. Well compromise. Ill go watch a sitcom family. In a minute youre going to discover the difference between those and real life.
19/06/90
My TV show is starting. Im missing my show! Im sure your instinct for survival will kick in shortly. Whats the big deal about dinner?! Why cant I go watch TV? Lots of people watch TV while they eat! Calvin dinner is the one time during the day that we set aside to be together and talk. Theres more to being a family than just living in the same house. We need to interact once in a while. We could all argue over what channel to watch. You know what I mean.
20/06/90
Ive missed half of my TV show now. I hope youre happy. You shouldnt be planning your life around the TV anyway. Hmph. Look I dont think its too much to ask that we sit together for 40 minutes without distractions and interruptions. RINNGG! Ill get it! Im expecting a call. Go ahead Dad. I believe you were saying something funny. I have all these great genes but theyre recessive. THATS the problem here.
21/06/90
Cmon Hobbes we have to go outside. We HAVE to? Yeah Dad wont let me watch TV. He says its summer its light late and I should go run around instead of sitting in front of the tube. Can you believe it?! What a dictator. How cruel it is to be forced to play. ILL show him. I refuse to have fun.
22/06/90
OK next well race to that tree over there. THIS race will determine the championship of the universe. Oh... wait. How long have we been out here? I dunno. An hour maybe. Really? Geez. Where does time go?! Hang on Ill be right back. IM NOT HAVING FUN!
23/06/90
Its getting dark Calvin. Time to come in and go to bed! But Hobbes and I were catching fireflies. Cant we stay out a little longer? Ha! First you didnt want to go out and now you dont want to come in! See by not watching TV you had more fun and now youll have memories of something real you DID instead of something fake you just WATCHED. Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character.
24/06/90
Whats that smell? Either moms cooking dinner or somebody got sick in the furnace duct. Boy does it stink in here! What are you cooking for dinner?! Whatever it is Im not eating it. Im stewing some monkey heads. Monkey heads? Theyll be soggy enough to eat in about twenty minutes. Really?? Were having monkey heads! We are not ... are those really monkey heads? Ive never had monkey heads before! I wonder what theyre like. Wow! Monkey heads! Mm ... kinda squishy. Oow look is that a nose? Whats this? Brains? I didnt think theyd be so rubbery ... what? I thought these were stuffed peppers. Honey. What the heck is this?? Whatever it is Im not eating it!
25/06/90
Hop in Hobbes! Were going to get rich! Oh no Im not getting into that box. I dont want to be transmogrified or duplicated or whatever. What? When the TOP is open its a time machine remember? Even worse. Oh dont be such a baby. The way you act youd think the dinosaur actually GOT us last time. Why it wasnt even a carnivore. I dont care. You and that box are plain bad news.
26/06/90
Too bad youre not going back to the jurassic with me. An opportunity like this doesnt come along every day you know. The less often the better is what I say. Were just going on a photo safari! When we come back with REAL dinosaur photos well get rich! You can drop the we stuff. Im not going. OK well I guess Ill have to eat all these great snacks myself then. Snacks? What kind of snacks? Are they GOOD snacks? How many snacks did you bring?? Never mind! You said youre not going.
27/06/90
I guess if we get to have snacks it would be OK to time travel. If theyre GOOD snacks I mean. Great! Put on your vortex goggles. The dial is set for 140 million years ago. So OFF WE GO-O-O! I have a question. Why dont we get younger as we go back in time and disappear as we pass the day we were born? Id explain it but theres a lot of math. I thought you got a D in math.
28/06/90
Is it time for snacks yet? Hobbes were travelling at light speed through an interdimensional continuum lapse! Wait till we land! OK Ill just inventory the snacks and record them for the journal. You COULD help me drive you know! If we miss our exit we could fly right into the big bang! What would happen then? Thered be no universe and probably now time! I think we should eat the snacks NOW. Sit still will you? Youll make me swerve.
29/06/90
Theres a diplodocus! Were in the jurassic! We made it! Ugh. I cant believe you wanted to come back here. Last time we didnt bring a camera. All we need is a few good dinosaur photos and well be rich when we get home. If we get in National Geographic maybe Ill get to meet some of those tigress babes they showed in the April issue! Yow wow! Those were females? Really I dont know how you can even tell the difference.
30/06/90
Hey! Theres a chance to get some pictures of some stegosaurs! See these photos will answer hundreds of questions about dinosaur anatomy and behavior! Paleontologists will pay through their nose to see these! Take a picture of this one. Hes smiling. Just a minute. Just a minute.
01/07/90
No Earthling has ever before seen the cratered scarred surface of the distant planet Zog! ... although its not unlike some of those zit cream commercials ... we join the fearless Spaceman Spiff interplanetary explorer extraordinaire out at the farthest reaches of the galaxy ... with nerves of steel our hero sets forth on his dangerous mission! He fires his hyper-jets and ... blasts into the fifth dimension! Into a world beyond human comprehension! Into a world where time has no meaning! Man this class lasts forever! So we carry the three into the tens column ...
02/07/90
Whats THIS ugly brute called? AN ALLOSAUR! Im right here. You dont need to shout. RUN! When we get back to the time machine throw him the snacks we packed! Maybe that will diver him while we take off! You can throw YOUR snacks. I might still want mine. Youre going to be a snack yourself! Get in! Get in!
03/07/90
Quick! Thow him the food! My sandwich had mustard. Is this one yours? Put on your vortex goggles! Were taking off! Eww this banana is mushy. He can have THIS. We did it! Were off! Here. Boy that was a close call. Bit it will be worth it when we get these pictures developed. Since I rescued your sandwich can I eat it?
04/07/90
Hey Mom guess where Hobbes and I have been! I SAW where you were. You were playing in a cardboard box out back. Nope! Thats just what it LOOKED like. We time travelled to the jurassic but we returned at the split second we left! Thats why it didnt look like we were gone! We saw lots of dinosaurs! Well youve had a productive morning then. Yeah. Will you take this film to be developed? Ill pay you back
05/07/90
Hobbes look! We got our pictures back from our jurassic trip! Oh boy! Lets see! Wow these came out good! Look at that apatosaur! Theres me! Theres me! Yes! Yes! Were RICH! Ha ha! Now we can get our own apartment! This dinosaur blinked. Ill buy a car too but since I cant drive for another decade well have to get a chauffeur. If we pay him he has to let us sit up front and beep the horn right?
06/07/90
Well Dad its too bad you werent any nicer to me all these years. Beg pardon? Yep I cant say Im particularly including to share my future millions with you. Here look. Dinosaurs? Hobbes and I went to the jurassic today and came back with these dramatic photographs! Were going to be rich. I didnt realize dinosaurs looked so small and plastic. HEY WHAT ARE YOU INSINUATING?!
07/07/90
Dad doesnt believe we went to the jurassic and took photographs of real dinosaurs. He says it looks like we just put my toy models in the yard and took pictures of THEM! He says our get-rich-quick scheme wont work. Huh! He said if we REALLY wanted to get some money hed pay us a dollar to pull weeds out of the front walk. Just a dollar? Of course I told him we didnt want the money THAT bad.
08/07/90
Wap! Thok! Poom. Wunk. Nice double play. Whos out? It depends are you on my team or am I on your team?
09/07/90
Hey Mom if we were cannibals what parts of people would we eat? What? You know where would the steaks be? Would legs be like drumsticks? Would kids be like veal? Ughh! Go be disgusting somewhere else! Out! Some people just dont have inquisitive minds.
10/07/90
Ever notice how the older people get the slower they do things? I wonder why that is. I would think that the less life you had left the faster youd want to do everything so you could pack more into the remaining years. You can bet when Im a geezer like Dad Ill be going like a maniac. Oh great.
11/07/90
Better hurry. Your Moms yelling something.
12/07/90
Easy... easy now... thats it... Steady boy... easy... nice bike... AUGH! PHPPBT!
13/07/90
Wow what happened to YOU?? That darn bicycle tried to killme! You fell off? It took me 40 minutes to subdue it to the point where I could climb on and then it bucked me right over the handlebars! You fell off. THEN it tried to run me over! Its out to kill me! Im lucky to be alive! Well balancing takes a little practice. Do you have a rifle? Will you shoot it?
14/07/90
Maybe we should get your inner ear checked.
15/07/90
Calvin quit horsing around! Hobbes is crowding me. This is my half of the seat. Got it stripeypants? That is your side! You stay over there! I see that!! Calvin Im trying to concentrate be quiet. Hobbes poked me. I dont care what Hobbes did! Just be quiet until we get out of this traffic. Hee hee! Stop it you heard Dad! Hoo hoo! Gkpthb! Were going to get in trouble. Mmp mp! Hee hee! Hee hoo ha hee ha ha! Calvin! I thought I said I wanted it quiet!! We were having a weird face contest Dad. But were all through now. You won.
16/07/90
Hi Calvin! What are you doing down there? SHH! SHH! Get down! Be quiet! Have you seen my bicycle? No... Thank goodness. If my bike doesnt get me first Im going to cit all its spokes in two. You never saw me today got it? Our class voted Calvin the Most likely to be seen on the news some day.
17/07/90
Want some oil? See? Nice oil? Wouldnt you like some? Easy... Easy... Rrrr YAA! I got you now! Youre going to the scrap heap you rabid pile of rusty AAH OW WHOA DOWN! I NEVER got MY face caught in the chain when I learned to ride a bike. Really how did this happen? I TOLD you! Ow!
18/07/90
That stupid bicycle! I hate it! Im never going to ride one as long as I live. CREEAAKK W-whats that? AUGHH! MY BICYCLE HAS BEEN LYING IN WAIT! ITS COMING TO GET ME! HELP! HELP! S-see? Its trying to k-kill me! It was just a dream honey. ...but why on earth did you bring your bike upstairs to your closet?
19/07/90
Calvin will you take this to the garbage can in the garage please? The GARAGE?? Are you mad? I WILL be if you dont hop to it. But thats where my killer bicycle is! I cant go out there! Itll jump me! I dont want any nonsense. Just do what I asked OK? Rrrr. I wonder how far from this house my savings would get me.
20/07/90
Psst! Hobbes! What are you doing up there? Hiding from my killer bicycle. It cant climb trees so I guess Ill stay here for the rest of my life. You should just wedge a big stick through the spokes of the front wheel. That way when the stick hits the fork the wheel will jam and the bike will flip over. Hey thats a GREAT idea! Hobbes youre a lifesaver! We could mosey over to the kitchen if youre wondering how you can possibly thank me enough.
21/07/90
I did it Hobbes! I put a stick in the spokes of my killer bicycle! When it tried to chase me it flipped over! I wrestled it to exhaustion and then I let the air out of its tires! Ha! I guess that nasy ol thing wont be coming after me any more! Were too smart for it! Man triumphs over machine! Training wheels! What a good idea! I pumped up his tires too. They were both flat.
22/07/90
Guess whats short and ugly and wet all over! ... give up? The answer had better not be what I think it is ... squirt squirt squirt squirt! Yow! Squirt squirt squirt squirt! Bang bonk bing! Calvin! If youre going to tear around do it outside!! Okay okay ...
23/07/90
A toast to us! To us! Best friends forever! Right! CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH
24/07/90
Hi Dad. I suppose youre wondering how youre doing in the polls. Not really. I think youll find THIS chart quite revealing. This line represents the Average Dad approval rating of 70%. This overlay shows YOUR approval rating at just under 10%! Household six-year-olds were polled on their favourite bedtimes. Watch on these successive overlays how your rating would improve with each hour later! See by midnight youre right up to normal! These findings suggest a logical course of action. How long do you spend making these charts?
25/07/90
My tiger it seems is running round nude. This fur coat must have made him perspire. It lies on the floor - should this be construed as a permanent change of attire? Perhaps he considers its colors passe or maybe it fit him too snug. Will he want it back? Should I put it away? Or use it right here as a rug? Z. I wonder when school starts.
26/07/90
People dont understand me. They dont realize Im a card-carrying genius. You have a card? Oh absolutely. See it says Calvin certified genius. Wow you have a certificate? Well not really but no one every checks those things. I just say its at the frame shop. Pretty smart. Im a genius. How did you emboss this card? With a screwdriver?
27/07/90
AAHH! How am I supposed to learn surgery if I cant dissect anything?
28/07/90
You know what cracks me up? Ants RUN everywhere! Its like they all think they have to be somehwere on time! See they never walk or poke along. They go everywhere at top speed! Isnt that silly? Cmon around back. Ill show you something else!
29/07/90
Its another new morning for Mr. Monroe. He glances at the newspaper headlines over a cup of coffee and gets in his red sports car to go to work. Little does he realize its his last day on the face of the earth! Calvin drinks the magic elixer and begins an incredible transformation. Instantly he grows! Bigger and bigger! Higher and higher! He is now over 300 feet tall! The formula is a success! Calvin the mighty giant goes on a terrible rampage striking fear into the hearts of the populace! Nothing can stop him! Its panic in the streets! A town lies in ruins! No I wont buy you any more toy cars. I saw you! You deliberately stomped on those!
30/07/90
With a distant rumbling great thunder clouds pile high into the sky! Suddenly theres a blinding flash of light! Its Calvin the lightning bolt! In a fraction of a second the house below will be in a million pieces! I know its raining out but play a board game or something.
31/07/90
Every day its the same old thing. ... but not today! Everybodys a slave to routine.
01/08/90
Can I get some contact lenses? Your eyes are fine! You dont need contacts. Yes I do! They have some that change the color of your eyes! Your eyes are very pretty the way they are. But if I had contacts I coul dmake one eye blood red and the other yellow striped like a bug. I dunno it seems like once people grow up they have no idea whats cool.
02/08/90
Geez I gotta have a REASON for everything?!
03/08/90
Boy when its THIS hot I dont want to do anything at all! Fortunately that was our plan from the start.
04/08/90
ME TARZAN! KING OF THE JUNGLE! THUMP THUMP. Nice underpants. Does your Mom know youre over here like this? I dont think Jane EVER said that to Tarzan.
05/08/90
Hey mom are you nervous? No ... why? Calvin go outside and quit bugging me! Calvin the bug buzzes off! Flying low over the grass he searches for dead meat! Up and over the flowers darting this way and that! Oh no! hes caught in a spider web! Thrashing about in a desperate bid for freedom he only becomes more entangled! Soon the spider will suck out his innards! Help! I was going to join you in the hammock but I think Ill forget it.
06/08/90
Dont you get hot wearing long pants in summer? Why dont you wear short pants? Whats the matter? What did I say? SHORT PANTS TOUCH MY FEE OK?!!
07/08/90
Aw Mom you act like Im not even wearing a bungie cord!
08/08/90
WAP! BONK Gosh were BOTH out!
09/08/90
Oh boy! Cooked-out hamburgers! They may be charred on the outside! They may be raw on the inside! But at least theyve got that special outdoor flavor! ... of lighter fluid! MM-MM when do we eat? Whaddaya mean tomorrow?!
10/08/90
I like toys that make a lot of racket. Thats the problem with this wagon. It doesnt make much noise. AIEEEE! AUGH! WHOAA! OOMPH! OOH! Fortunately WE do.
11/08/90
YAAH! Oops. He just does that to show he COULDVE snuffed me.
12/08/90
Go on three ok? One ... Two ... Two and a half ... Ready ... Set ... Go! Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat Pit Pat. Pittida Dittida Pittida Dittida. Chooga Chooga Chooga. Eeewyeeowww. Gasp. I cant believe it! No sonic boom! Not even a pop! I heard a pop. But I think it was my lungs.
13/08/90
Do you support the free expression of ideas in our society? Sure. Thats first on our bill of rights. So you would be against censorship and suppression of ideas you found distasteful. Right. Youve got to take the bad with the good. So you wouldnt object to me being exposed to art movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking right? OK first let me explain about our responsibility to be culturally educated and able to MAKE critical distinctions about... YOUR STALLLLING!
14/08/90
Hmmmm rub rub rub GRR SNARLL Hmmmm rub rub rub
15/08/90
Sometimes I feel like our life has gotten too complicated... that weve accumulated more than we really need... that weve accepted too many demands... Well Thoreau says Simplify Simplify. Maybe thats what we need to do. But how? I hate it when they look at me that way.
16/08/90
Hello? Hi Dad! Its me Calvin. Calvin unless this is REALLY important hang up OK? Im very busy. OK Dad. Goodbye. This should qualify in another 15 minutes.
17/08/90
Calvin I asked you to clean up your room. I DID! Well you didnt do a very good job then. It looks as messy as it did before. You should take pride in what you do and always do the best job possible. I dont need to do a better kob. I need better P.R. on the job I DO.
18/08/90
Huhh UHH! I wouldnt be worried about this if he was a better student.
19/08/90
Wanna toss the ol pigskin around? Heck no. Phooey. The center snaps the ball! The quarterback looks for an opening! The defense disintegrates beneath the coming onslaught! The quarterback jumps and dodges! Hobbes breaks clear! Calvin passes! An amazing catch! Hobbes is at the 30 ... the 20 ... the 10 ... but hes tackled from behind and laterals to Calvin so he can make the touchdown! But Calvin fumbles the ball and Hobbes recovers it! But a penalty is called on the play and Hobbes is sent to the bench! Hobbes defects to the other team and is greeted with enthusiastic cheers! The crowd goes wild! Calvin prepares to cripple the traitor with an illegal face mask pull! Hobbes defies him by pouring out of his mouth guard onto Calvin helmet! Boy you can see why football is such a violent game! Hobbes team gains a yard! All the cheerleaders come out for smooches!!
20/08/90
This meeting of top-secret club GROSS (Get Rid Of Slimy Girls) will come to order supreme ruler and dictator-for-life Calvin presiding! Hear hear! President and first tiger Hobbes will now provide us with an attendance report. All present and accounted for sir! Excellent! Now club secretary general Hobbes will review the minutes. Its 10:32. Thank you. At this time well have a field report from top scout Calvin! You can tell this is a great club because we have so many officers.
21/08/90
Herewith a field report filed from head scout Calvin! What news scout? The enemy has been sighted on the sidewalk two doors down Mr President. The enemy? Susie Derkins an acknowledged GIRL! I recommend we establish a strike force? Its objective? To bug her! Sounds risky. Men any volunteers?
22/08/90
OK heres our plan. Ill be the strike force commander. Youll be the special agend in charge of munitions. Well fill up a water balloon and sneak up on Susie through the back yard! I get to be the official cartographer and map our hiding places and escape routes! Yeah! And ILL be the code expert and make an unbreakable code! Oh boy! Lets get some paper! I hope Susie doesnt go anyplace for a while. OK heres the United States...
23/08/90
There! I finished our secret code! Lets see. I assigned a totally random number so that code will be hard to crack. For letter A you write 3004572688. B is 28731569 1/2. Thats a good code all right. Now we just commit this to memory. Did you finish your map of our neighbourhood? Not yet. How many bricks does the front walk have?
24/08/90
Weve got our map our code and our water balloon! Lets go soak Susie! Our map says first we run to the big tree out back. Now to the bush out front! Now to the ditch out back! Now to the tree out front! In case youre wondering - this is to lose anyone who might be tailing us. Im writing a message in code. How do you spell nincompoop?
25/08/90
We made it to Susies yard! But wheres Susie? I dont see her! ARGHH! We go to all this trouble to launch an attack on her and what does she do? She MOVES! All our great plans are for naught! A whole morning ruined! Maybe she just went in for lunch see she left some of her toys out so shes probably planning to come back. That gives me a FABULOUS idea! Uh oh.
26/08/90
Gravity is arbitrary! Calvin wakes up one day to find he is immune to the force of gravity. He hangs on to the ground for dear life but his grip is weakening! He cant hold on! He ... he lets go! Aaaaa. Higher and higher as upward he falls! Only by grabbing the tail pin of a passing jet does Calvin save himself from being hurled out into space! No no let him finish. This is very interesting so after you landed in Phoenix what happened? Well I dont care. Im not sewing velcro on the outside of all his clothes. Well about then my gravity came back so I ...
27/08/90
What are you doing? Thats Susies doll. I know. Cmon lets scram. We cant take her doll! That would be STEALING! No it wouldnt. Are we going to give it back? If she pays the ransom.
28/08/90
Hey wheres Binky Betsy? I know I left her right here when I went inside. Did somebody TAKE her? Everything else is still here. Where did my doll go?! IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR DOLL AGAIN I always like cut-and-paste. How much should we ask for? A hundred dollars?
29/08/90
Mom I cant find my doll. Have you seen it anywh... DING DONG Hmm theres nobody here. Whats this note? Susie if you want to see your doll again leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out in front. Do not call the police. You cannot trace us. You cannot find us. Sincerely Calvin.
30/08/90
Its a RANSOM note! That dirty Calvin stole my doll and he wants me to pay $100 to get her back! Of all the nerve! He cant get away with this! Why that stinky little... Wait! Theres something else in this envelope. A PHOTO OF BINKY BETSY TIED TO A CHAIR!! What a great club! How are you going to spend YOUR $50?
31/08/90
Lets stroll down the sidewalk REAL CASUALLY and see if Susie put the hundred bucks out by the tree yet. Great! Lovely day for a stroll eh Hobbes? I certainly enjoy my afternoon constitutional! Yes its quite invigorating! Look! Look! Theres the envelope! She did it! Were rich! Oh boy! Lets sneak up and get it! Cmon you louse. Cmonnn... I dont see Susie. Do you?
01/09/90
You stand guard and watch for Susie while I count the money and make sure its all there! Hey theres no money in here at all! Theres just a note! It says Now were even! Now were even?? Whats THAT supposed to mean?! Hobbes? HOBBES!
02/09/90
Do you think boogeymen really exist? I dont know. ... but if they do Im sure this is where they live. That was the creepiest campfire story Ive ever heard. Lets get back to the tent! I dont think Ill ever sleep again. Shh! What? Did you hear something?? Didnt you? I dont know. What did it sound like? Sort of like breathing and drooling and ripping the meat off human bones. Yaahhhh. You were right. Im glad we carried a generator all this distance.
03/09/90
COME BACK HERE WITH HOBBES! PUT HIM DOWN! HOBBES BITE HER! BITE HER! Ha ha! Nyahh! Nyahh! SLAM GET AWAY FROM OUR DOOR WITH THAT DRILL!
04/09/90
Oooh that rotten Susie! I hate her! I hate her! Shed better set Hobbes free! So I kidnapped her stupid doll! She didnt need to RETALIATE! Cant she take a JOKE?! Girls have NO sense of humor! Thats their whole problem! All this was funny until she did the same thing to me.
05/09/90
All right Susie I brought your dumb doll back! Now let Hobbes out OK? Fairs fair! I dunno Calvin. Im thinking I might rather have your tiger. You can keep Binky Betsy. Aahh! I dont want a DOLL! This is yours! Take it! Oh youll grow to like her Calvin. She has the cutest accessories you can buy! No! No! I want Hobbes! Take this! But I think Hobbes likes it better here with ME. HE DOES NOT!
06/09/90
Look Susie Ill give you your doll AND Ill give you a quarter OK? Its all I have. Will you let Hobbes out NOW?? All right here. And next time leave my stuff alone. Got it? Right! Sure! Jerk. What kind of tiger ARE you?! You didnt even maul her! What were you DOING there?! Wouldnt YOU like to know!
07/09/90
Ive got to say Hobbes it doesnt give our club a lot of credit when the First Tiger is a willing captive of the enemy. THBPTB We stole HER doll and Im the one who had to pay ransom! Its a disgrace! You get 15 demerits for besmirching the clubs reputation plus five demerits for conduct unbecoming an officer and a censure in the book club for not devouring Susie when you had the chance. Hmm anything else? I almost told her our code when she rubbed my tummy. GOOD GRAVY WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?!
08/09/90
Well this is certainly a sorry chapter in G.R.O.S.S. history! First tiger Hobbes a traitor to the cuase! It might interest you to know that after I won Susies confidence I did some spying. Spying? You were a spy? I read an open page of Susies diary. Wow! Deep in enemy territory you intercepted a secret message? What did it say? It said Calvin is a pig-faced smelly fat-head! Then our club is a success! Brilliant work Hobbes! Promotions for everyone! Welcome back!
09/09/90
Spaceman Spiff is hit! Hes going down! Fortunately our hero always buckles up! The fearless Spaceman Spiff has crashed on a distant world! The planets atmosphere is thick with noxious fumes and gases! Our hero can hardly breathe. Spiff must find help quickly ... but is there any life on this hostile world? His question is answered when a hideous blob of of gelatinous muck oozes out of a crevice toward him! Spiffs blaster is useless against the slime! Our hero tries to escape but the suffocating stench envelops him! What a disgusting fate! Yechh! I sure wish Id brought my lunch today! Thats gross Calvin! If you dont like the cafeterias tapioca just leave it alone!
10/09/90
Help me with this homework OK? Whats 6+3? 6+3 eh? Well this one is a bit tricky. First well call the answer Y as in Y do we care? Now Y may be a square number so well draw a sqare and make this side 6 and that side 3. Then well measure the diagonal. I dont remember the teacher explaining it like this. She probably doesnt know higher math. When you deal with high numbers you need higher math. But this diagonal is just a little under two. OK here Ill draw a bigger square.
11/09/90
Hey no comic books until you finish your homework. I DID finish. That didnt take very long. Did you do a good job? I did a GREAT job. When youre as far ahead of the class as I am it doesnt take much time. Well see about that when I get back from my parent-teacher conference with Miss Wormwood. Youre going to talk to my teacher? Im sure it will be an informative meeting. Gosh I forgot to tell you! Miss Wormwood said I was so good you didnt need to bother coming really! She said you dont have to go!
12/09/90
Oh man! Mom went to a parent-teacher conference! Im as good as dead. Miss Wormwood will tell Mom all sorts of horror stories about me! Horror stories? Well its a question of perspective. Still I think I should be allowed to have a lawyer present at the meeting. What are you going to say when your Mom gets back? Nothing. Nothing at all? Buddy if you think Im even going to BE here youre crazy!
13/09/90
Im home. How was your meeting with Calvins teacher? Well when we got to the classroom we saw that all the kids had drawn self-portraits in the art class and had left the pictures on their desks so the parents would recognize their childs seat. Thats a cute idea. Did you find Calvins picture? There was one drawing of a green kid with fangs six eyes and a finger up his nose. Uh oh. The meeting went downhill from there.
14/09/90
Calvin I... YIKE!! Youre home! I didnt even finish pack... that is um... LIES! Everything Miss Wormwood said about me was a lie! She just doesnt like me! She hates little boys! Its not MY fault! IM not to blame! She told you about the noodles right? It wasnt me! Nobody saw me! I was framed! I wouldnt do anything like that! Im innocent I tell you! What noodles? Oh... Uh... Ha ha! Did I say noodles? You must have heard wrong. I didnt say noodles.
15/09/90
OK Calvin lets check over your math homework. Lets not and say we did. Your teacher says you need to spend more time on it. Have a seat. More time?! I already spent ten whole minutes on it! Ten minutes shot! Wasted! Down the drain! Youve written here 8+4=7. Now you know thats not right. So I was off a little bit. Sue me. You cant ADD things and come out with LESS than what you started with! I can do that! Its a free country! Ive got my rights!
16/09/90
Quit squirming Calvin. Youve got ice cream all over your shirt. Rats I was saving it for later. Thanks for the ice cream Dad. It was great. Youre welcome. Im tired of pulling you. Its my turn to ride. Your Dad didnt get me any ice cream so I get to ride both ways. No you dont! Dad said tigers dont like ice cream! Its my turn to ride! Tigers dont know if they like ice cream until they try every kind. Im not pulling. Ive got news fuzz brain. Im not pulling either! Well then I guess well both just sit here until we die. Why do these walks always end up as rides? oh you need the exercise more anyway.
17/09/90
Lets start at the beginning. When you ADD something you INCREASE what you have. You COMBINE. I dont want to learn this! Its completely irrelevant to my life! This isnt irrelevant. Everyone needs to know this. I dont! I can get along fine without math! Oh yeah? What do you want to be when you grow up? Every job requires SOME math. Thats not true! Ill be a... a... a caveman! Yeah! Thats not really a job.
18/09/90
Here maybe this will make more sense. I have eight pennies. I ask you for four more. I say forget it. Youre the one with a steady paycheck. Just give me four pennies. Good. How much money do I have now? Investments and all? No just here on the table. Eight cents. No eight plus four is twelve. See? Count them up. But those four are MINE!
19/09/90
Hows the math lesson going? Pretty good. I think Calvin sees the idea now. I took pennies and showed how adding and subtracting them changed how much money he had. Its not so abstract that way. Good. Maybe hell do better in class now. I think he will. He was having fun with it by the end. Now give me ANOTHER five cents and lets see what I have! Wait a minute.
20/09/90
Boy I feel sharp! I know this math stuff COLD! Im ready for anything! I hope the teacher calls on me! I hope I get to demonstrate a problem at the board! Ill impress everyone! Here Susie. Take one sheet and pass the rest across. Whats this? A math quiz. HOT DOG!
21/09/90
Dont try to copy my answers this time Calvin or Ill tell. Ha! Who needs YOUR answers? Ill bet I get a better score than you do. YOU?! Thatll be the day! Ill bet you 25 cents I get a higher grade. Youre on. You might as well give me the quarter now and save yourself the humiliation later! Maybe youd like to increase the wager Mr Bigmouth. Yeah! Lets double it and make it 35 cents!
22/09/90
Man this is going to be great! Not only am I going to ace this quiz but Im going to win a quarter from Susie when I get a better score than she does! OK! The first problem is 6+5. Oh easy! The answer is... um.... ummmmmmm... UMMMMMMMM His spacecraft quietly humming the incredible Spaceman Spiff approaches the sixth plant of the Mysterio system!
23/09/90
Im hungry whens lunch? Right now. Hi Susie! Oh look youve got your stuffed tiger! Can I squeeze him? What are you crazy? Hobbes is a ferocious man-eating jungle beast! Ferocious? He looks fuzzy and cuddly to me! Ha! Beneath that soft exterior lie terrible mandibles of bone crushing death! Hell grind you into hamburger! Each mighty paw hides razor-sharp claws to rip the living hide off any human that wanders too close! Hes a monster! No hes not. Hes a big cutie. Oh no! I cant look!! ... so what happened to the mandibles of death. You sissy furball?!? I was beguiled by her feminine charms. Yow. Go soak your head.
24/09/90
A small red spacecraft breaks through the cloud cover of Mysterio system planet 6! At the controls its none other than our fearless hero Spaceman Spiff! Piloting over the lifeless world he reflects on his unusual mission... QUIZ 1. 6+5= ... to somehoe crash planets 6 and 5 together!
25/09/90
In a scientific mission to discover what happens when two planets collide Spaceman Spiff drops anchor! The anchor catches on a hillside! Spiff downshifts and guns the motor! Imperceptibly at first the planet slowly moves towed along by our hero until... ...breaking orbit planet 6 picks up speed hurling towards planet 5!
26/09/90
Pulled by Spaceman Spiff planet 6 is about to collide with planet 5! With no time to lose our hero cuts loose the anchor and flies to safety! The planets crash grinding and shattering with awful force! Planet 5 being smaller is crunched to dust! Only 6 remains! 6+5=6. Time! Pass your papers forward. TIME?! I just finished the first problem!
27/09/90
How can our time be up?! I just did the first problem on this quiz! Where did the time go?? Guess! Guess! Pick random numbers! Maybe a few will be right by sheer luck! 15! 104! 3! 27! Hand it in Calvin. Your times up. SIGHHHH. Dont forget we have a bet on who gets the higher grade. The bets off! I dont gamble! No bets!
28/09/90
I got a perfect score on my quiz. You got a perfect score? What did YOU get? If you missed any you owe me 25 cents. I ran out of time! Id have had a perfect score too if Id had a few more minutes! What did you get? Its biological! Girls mature faster than boys! You just got a better grade because youre a girl! Its not fair! Pay up. Maybe its opposite day! Maybe all these Xs mean that my answers are correct! Maybe your A is really an F! That must be it! I win the bet!
29/09/90
How did you do on your math quiz? I flunked it... but only because I ran out of time. The worst part though was that Susie Derkins won our bet on whod get the better score. I had to pay her 25 cents. But get this! I cheated her! I only gave her three dimes! Ha! I think youre better study harded. Oh now dont YOU start on me.
30/09/90
Now where did all the bed pillows go? This is gonna be soft! Krunch! Hey Hobbes! Cmon and jump in the leaves! Its fun! I dont know sometimes slugs hide under leaves. No they dont. Do they? Slugs? Ugh just imagine one of those slimy muckballs slipping up your pant leg! There might be dozens in there! There might? Aack ick ooh yecch! Thats the problem with nature. Somethings always stinging you or oozing mucous on you. Lets go watch TV. Is it 3 oclock yet? We can watch The Blob!
01/10/90
Look Hobbes I cut a piece of cardboard to make a TV screen. See I just hold it up like Im on TV. Wow your own show! Too bad I cant really force my way into millions of peoples homes each day. But on the other hand no one ine THIS home can turn me off!
02/10/90
So whats it like being on TV? Its great! Now that Im on television Im different from everybody else! Im famous! Important! Since everyone knows me everything I do now is newsworthy. Im a cultural icon. I think your antenna needs adjusting. Watch Ill use my prestige to endorse a product!
03/10/90
Hi Im Calvin eminent television personality here to tell you about new improved Chocolate frosted sugar bombs! I love em! Theyre crunchy on the outside chewy on the inside and they dont have a single natural ingredient or essential vitamin to get in the way of that rich fudgy taste! Mm-mm! Yes kids youll like em so much you wont be able to sit still! Remember! Its the cereal I get paid to recommend because Im famous! What do you think? Are you filled with the desire to emulate me and eat the cereal I endorse? If not I can repeat this every 20 minutes. Dont you threaten ME.
04/10/90
Hi Mom! Ive got my own TV show! Thats nice. Hes Ca-a-alvin! Amazing great Ca-a-alvin! Oh hes the one that youd like to meet! Hes the one who just cant be beat! Hes ca-a-alvin! La data da daaaaa! Thank you! Thank you! Boy what an audience! Thank you! Please! Ha ha! No really sit down! Thank you! Thank you! Im changing the channel OK? Sorry Im on all the networks.
05/10/90
Wheres your TV screen? My fall lineup got cancelled. Dad said one TV in the house was bad enough and he preferred the one with the volume control. Maybe you should go cable. Ive got an idea for a sit-com called Father knows zilch.
06/10/90
What a rip-off! They say if you connect these dots you get a picture. But look! I did it and its just a big mess! I think youre supposed to connect them in the order that theyre numbered. Oh. Everythings gotta have rules rules rules!
07/10/90
... so if you capture the other guys flag and make it back to your territory you win. Win what? The game. No luggage? No toaster oven? Hey you cant hide your flag in a tree! Its too hard to capture! Thats not a rule. I can hide my flag anywhere! Well its a rule now! From now on no flags in trees! Ok but I just tagged you so you have to go to jail. What?? Its a time out! I was making a new rule! You didnt officially call a time out. Off to jail with you! Forget it! From now on if you are discussing a new rule its automatically a time out. Ok time in! Tag! You cant do that! We have to say time in together! Since when?? Youre just changing rules so youll win! I am not! Im just trying to keep you from cheating! Just a minute. Muffin head. Are you calling me a cheater? Whos a muffin head! Yowp! Arrgh! Oatmeal face! Strudel brain! Mom says we should take up Monopoly. No way buster. I know all about those interest free bank loans to yourself!
08/10/90
33... 27... 18... HIKE! AUGHH! Its clear Ill never have a career in sports until I learn to suppress my survival instinct. Touchdown!
09/10/90
What this game needs are negotiated settlements.
10/10/90
How come YOURE the one who goes to work and not Mom? Well your Mom USED to go to work but once you came along someone had to stay home. Your Moms job had a lot of stress and aggravation see ... and she wanted to quit? No shed gotten used to it so we figured she should be the one to... HEY!
11/10/90
Get off the swing or Ill punch your lights out. What a sissy! Haw! Years from now when Im successful and happy ... and hes in prison... I home Im not too mature to gloat.
12/10/90
Give me a nice smile. Thats good. Now dont make a face OK? Ready? One... two... thre... click. Click. *click*
13/10/90
Oh great altar of passive entertainment... bestow upon my thy discordant images at such speed as to render linear thought impossible!
14/10/90
Enemy sighted! Battle stations! Battle stations! Alert! Ahwooga! Heres the mighty aircraft carrier! Equipped with the latest radar and firepower. It is virtually unsinkable! I know what can sink it. Yeah? What? A cannonball depth charge!! Oh no! Pfoom! Ha ha! That was great! You emptied the whole tub! Turn on the water and lets do it again! We seem to have a waterfall down the stairway dear. Ill go see what your kid is doing. My did?!? Cmere and let me explain something to you ...
15/10/90
Here it is 8:00 and we have to go to bed already. Somebodys always running my life. I never get to do what I want to do. What would you do if you could stay up? I dunno... something FUN! Whatever Mom and Dad get to do!
16/10/90
That cloud of stars is our galaxy the milky way. Our solar system is on the edge of it. We hurl through an incomprehensible darkness. In cosmic terms we are subatomic particles in a grain on an infinite beach. I wonder whats on TV now.
17/10/90
Everyone takes me for granted! Nobody pays any attention to my needs! Is it too much to ask for an occassional token gesture of appreciation?! OK how about a big hug? Could I have 20 dollars? See?! I dont matter to anyone! Nobody cares about me!
18/10/90
Hobbes do you think our morality is defined by our actions or by whats in our hearts? I think our actions SHOW whats in our hearts. I RESENT THAT!
19/10/90
They say winning isnt everything and Ive decided to take their word for it.
20/10/90
I STAND FIRM IN MY BELIEF OF WHATS RIGHT! I REFUSE TO COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES! I dont NEED to compromise my principles because they dont have the slightest bearing on what happens to me anyway.
21/10/90
Bang! Kapwinngg! Bang bang! You missed! You missed! There he goes! After him boys! Giddyap! Giddyap! Ambush! Bang! Bang! Yow! Whoop! Bang! Gotcha! Noyadidnt! Noyadidnt! Calvin will you please stop tearing around the house?! Youre driving me crazy! You said we couldnt go outside because its raining. Boy that sure worked. Were not allowed back in until when?
22/10/90
Vroom vrooom rrr! Vroom vroooom AUGHH! I wouldnt mind this so much if he didnt keep a log. Would you say you were very surprised or COMPLETELY surprised?
23/10/90
Look Mom I made a mask. Are you getting ready for Haloween? Huh? No this is for every day. You know how Hobbes always sneaks up from behind and pounces on me? No... Well he does. But if you wear a mask like this on the back of your head tigers cant tell which way youre facing and they cant sneak up. I think your train of thought is a runaway. I read they wear these in India. Here I made a mask for you too.
24/10/90
Here Dad. I made you a mask like mine. You wear it on the back of your head to prevent tiger attacks. Um... Tigers always try to get you from behin but with this mask on they cant tell which way youre facing so they dont pounce. I read it in a book. Well I appreciate your concern but I think Ill take my chances and not look like a lunatic. OK if youd rather look like raw hamburger be my guest. Honey are we out of aspirin again?
25/10/90
Well if it isnt ol rocket-butt! I guess you wont be pouncing on ME any more! See Im wearing a mask on the back of my head! Now you cant tell which way Im facing so you cant sneak up from behind! Ive finally thwarted your murderous recreation! Maybe this will teach you that PEOPLE are smarter than ANIMALS! You cant outwit a human! No fair! You didnt even sneak up!
26/10/90
In the middle ages lords and vassals lived in a futile system. Thats feudal system. Just when I thought this junk was beginning to make sense.
27/10/90
Im a genius. I cant believe how smart I am. Ive got more brains than I know what to do with. So Ive noticed. Woo hoo hoo
28/10/90
A brilliant bolt of deadly frap ray blazes by the intrepid Spaceman Spiff! Our hero has very high insurance premiums. The courageous Spaceman Spiff is hit! He plummets toward planet Zog! Breaking through the cloud layer he careens over an alien city! Theres no place to land! Spiff wrestles the uncooperative controls! More freem drive to the thuster busters! Too much stress! The fuel explodes in flame! The situation is grim! Ten seconds to impact! Nine ... eight ... Well Calvin?? Seven! Very good Calvin. Ten minus three equals seven. I didnt think you were paying attention. That question was worth three points. Our hero miraculously makes a three-point landing. Spiff saves the day again!
29/10/90
Gimme that ball or Ill punch your face in. Smart move sissy boy. In my opinion we dont devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.
30/10/90
Open wide... open wide... thats good... Now this might cause some slight discomfort... hold real still.... Rrgghh! Mmf! Rrg! Stop thrashing! Ive almost got it... almost... mmf! THERE! Boy its a good think you had this removed! Just look at all these bad spots! Lunch shouldnt have to be like this.
31/10/90
Take a look at this. Wouldnt you say this is a great drawing? I mean can you BELIEVE my teacher didnt like it? She said it wasnt serious! By golly if this isnt serious art then nothing is! Who set Miss Wormwood up as an arbiter of aesthetics anyway? This is a beautiful work of power and depth! Its a stegosaurus in a rocket ship right? See? YOU understood it!
01/11/90
On the one hand its a good sign for us artists that in this age of visual bombardment from all media a simple drawing can provoke and shock viewers. It confirms that images still have power. On the other hand my teachers reactionary grading shows that our society is culturally illiterate and that many people cant tell good art from a hole in the ground. This drawing I did obviously challenges the know-nothing complacency of those who prefer safe predigested bucolic genre scenes. My C- firmly establishes me on the cutting edge of the avante-garde. Dont you have to wear silly clothes then?
02/11/90
The hard part for us avante-garde post-modern artists is deciding whether or not to embrace commercialism. Do we allow our work to be hyped and exploited by a market thats simply hungry for the next new thing? Do we participate in a system that turns high art into low art so its better suited for mass consumption? Of course when an artist goes commercial he makes a mockery of his status as an outsider and free thinker. He buys into the crass and shallow values art should transcend. He trades the integrity of his art for riches and fame. Oh what the heck. Ill do it. That wasnt so hard.
03/11/90
Today I drew another picture in my Dinosaurs in Rocket Ships series and Miss Wormwood threatened to give me a bad mark in her grade book if I didnt stop! The arts are under attack! Freedom of expression is being squelched! The authoritie are trying to silence any view contrary to their own! What does your teacher object to about drawing dinosaurs? Mostly my drawing them during math.
04/11/90
Im ready for bed Dad. Whats tonights story going to be? Heres one Readings on Dialectical Metaphysics. Youll love it. Forget it Dad. You cant get me to drop off that easy. Will you read us this story? Hobbes wrote it himself. Hobbes wrote it huh? Goldilocks and the three tigers. Oh boy this is gonna be great! Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Goldilocks. She went into the forest and saw a cottage. No one was home so she went in. Inside she saw three bowls of porridge. A big bowl a medium bowl and a small bowl. She was just about to taste the porridge when the three tigers came home. They quickly divided Goldilocks into big medium and small pieces and dunked them in the porridge that ... Calvin Im not going to finish this! This is disgusting!! I dont know why I let you talk to me into this. Good night! Click. He didnt even look at our illustrations. Now Im all hungry.
05/11/90
Another gorgeous brisk fall day. What a waste to be going to school on a morning like this? What would you do if you could stay home this morning? Sleep right through it.
06/11/90
WHOA WHOAA WHOOOP BONK AHHHH! OOH! It COULDVE happened by accident!
07/11/90
Dont sit next to me Calvin. I dont want to hear any disgusting comments about lunch. Relax. I wont talk about lunch at all. Instead do you want to hear a riddle I made up? A riddle? OK. Whats the difference between a garden slug and a two-inch-long living booger? EWW!! I cant think of a difference either.
08/11/90
Get off the swing Twinky. Forget it Moe. Wait your turn. PUNCH! Its hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
09/11/90
IM HOME! Theres no point in saving your lunch bags if you cant keep them cleaner than THIS! Thats what YOU think.
10/11/90
... tranquil Mt. Calvin... Suddenly with a shaking rumble he blows sky high! Hes a live volcano! Geysers of molten lava spray into the heavens! I TOLD you that chili sauce was hot! GLUG GLUG GLUG Yechh he spewed it all across the table!
11/11/90
Toboggans give better rides than runner sleds. Why is that? Theres no way to steer. On these cloudy winter days sometimes I like to lie back on my sled and look at the sky. Its just gray and silent. No birds singing or bugs buzzing. Everything is muffled by the snow. Imagine what it would be like without any people or houses around. It would be perfectly still. Pretty neat huh? Yes very peaceful. I hate all that silence.
12/11/90
Hello is your Dad there? No he isnt. OK will you write down my number and have him call me? Hold on. I need a pen. POW! AGHH! Ive been shot! I hate taking messages.
13/11/90
Mom do we have a shoe box I could have? Its for a school project. I think so. Lets see. Heres one. What are you going to do with it? Im supposed to make a diorama. Were studying the different ecosystems and Im going to make a desert scene. That sounds interesting. Ill need some glue and paper and stuff too. Im going to build a cactus and a roadrunner. When is this due? It was due today but I told the teacher I wasnt quite finished.
14/11/90
Wow Mom sure turned into the conniption queen when she found out I hadnt neve started my diorama project when it was already due today. So this is one day late! Whats the big deal?! Its not as if LIVES hang in the balance right? The fate of the universe doesnt depend on turning in a shoe box desert scene on time! Thats keeping things in perspective. Even if lives DID hang in the balance it would depend on whose they were.
15/11/90
This is hopeless! How am I supposed to create a desert scene in this shoe box when I dont even know what a desert looks like? IVE never been to a desert. Mom and Dad never take me anywhere fun on vacations! If theyd taken me to a desert sometime Id KNOW this stuff! Why dont you get out a book? And go to all that TROUBLE?! Yeah sure! Look Im a busy guy! Ive got other things to do with my life besides THIS you know! Right. Why waste time learning when ignorance is instantaneous? My TV show starts in 20 minutes. Are you going to help me or ont?
16/11/90
Mom where do we keep the papier-mache? We dont have any. Oh great! Just GREAT! How am I supposed to make a roadrunner without papier-mache?! Maybe you should have thought of that before 7:00 at night. Youll have to make one some other way. BUT HOW?! This is YOUR school project Calvin. YOU do the work. If I get a bad grade itll be YOUR fault for not doing the work for me!
17/11/90
Hows the diorama coming along? Im almost finished. That didnt take too long. Thats because Im a genius. I dont see the roadrunner. Werent you going to put one in? See the cotton balls I glued down? Yeah? The roadrunner just ran out of the scene leveing those clouds of dust!
18/11/90
Ha ha! Your clever little strategy has tragically backfired! Look at this jump! Watch and weep fuzz face! Thats your move right? I get to go now right? Its too late for you to change your mind right? Not so fast ... my hands still on it. Jump jump jump! I win! You win?!? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world!! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky underhanded mind-meld to make me lose! I hate you! I didnt want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I know youd cheat! I knew youd win! Oh! Ooh! Aarg! Hack pant pant. Look its just a game. I know. You should see me when I loose in real life!
19/11/90
Youve never had an obligation an assignment or a deadline in all your life! You have no responsibilities at all! It must be nice! Wipe that insolent smirk off your face! The real fun of living wisely is that you get to be smug about it.
20/11/90
I hate doing this stuff! Its too much work. Why should I bother? Until you can stalk and overrun you cant devour anyone. I can see why tiger aphorisms dont catch on.
21/11/90
Live for the moment is MY motto. You never know how long youve got! You could step into the road tomorrow and WHAM - you get hit by a cement truck! Then youd be sorry you put off your pleasures! Thats why I say Live for the moment. Whats YOUR motto? Look down the road.
22/11/90
Ive decided I dont want to be famous. No? Nah. ANY idiot can be famous. I figure IM more the LEGENDARY type! Uh huh. Well I didnt mean right this second!
23/11/90
Can we burn these leaves? No that pollutes. But how can we appease the mighty snow demons if we dont sacrifice any leaves?! Well have a warm winter. I dont know whether your grasp of theology or meteorology is the more appalling. I guess Ill go light some candles around the toboggan and beg for mercy.
24/11/90
Do you think tigers go to the same heaven that people go to? I mean in heaven everyone is supposed to be HAPPY right? But people wouldnt be happy if they were always in danger of being eaten by tigers! On the other hand heaven wouldnt be very nice WITHOUT tigers either. I wouldnt be happy if there werent any tigers. Id miss them. Maybe tigers just dont eat people in heaven. But then WE wouldnt be happy.
25/11/90
Either hes playing classical music at 78 RMP or Im still dreaming. First thing tomorrow morning Im calling the orphanage.
26/11/90
Hey Dad Ill guess any number youre thinking of! Go ahead and pick a number! Mm... OK Ive got it. Is it 92376051? By golly it is! Wait a minute! Youre just trying to get RID of me arent you?! No youre psychic. Go show Mom.
27/11/90
A lot of people dont have principles but I do! Im a highly principled person! I live according to one principle and never deviate from it. Whats your principle? Look out for number one.
28/11/90
Mom you know the sandwich you packed for me today? Well by lunch time the jelly had soaked into the bread. That grosses me out. So tomorrow Id like the jelly put in a separate container with a knife so I can spread the jelly at the last possible moment before I eat the sandwich. Also you keep using the bread from the middle of the loaf. I only like those pieces for toast. For sandwiches I want only the end pieces because they dont absorb as much jelly. Got it? Doggone it she did it again!
29/11/90
Why look! You made your bed without even being told to! Thats wonderful Calvin! Gee your Mom sure is nice when you help her. Yeah thats the reason I usually dont. I like Mom to be impressed when I fulfill the least of my obligations.
30/11/90
Look out of the window! Its snowing! Theres must be almost half an inch! By morning Ill bet theres tons of snow! Do you think the schools will close?? What? OH YEAH? WELL SAME TO YOU!! I wonder how a crabby guy like him got to be superintendent.
01/12/90
That was quite a ride. Ill say. Ive never seen a sled catch fire before. Were lucky the pond hadnt frozen.
02/12/90
Why cant I ever find my stupid scarf? Hobbes and I are going outside Mom. This is going to be the biggest snowman ever built! People will come from miles to see our gigantic snoman! This wont go any more. Its too big to push. Ok leave it here. Im exhausted! Well we cant stop now! We need nine more of these! Nine more?! Sure! This is just one of his toes!
03/12/90
Lemonade! Get youre ice-cold lemonade! Just five dollars a glass while it lasts! How are sales? Terrible. I dont understand it. It sure is cold out. Yep. See my lemonade has all-natural refrigeration! Want to buy a glass? Sorry. All my savings are in bonds. Maybe I should start charging TEN dollars so I dont have to sell as much.
04/12/90
When I grow up Im going to be phenomenally rich! Im going to be the richest man alive! But I wont let wealth change me! Rats. That was our last hope. Youre going to be pretty lonely in the nursing home. Maybe then I can finish this book.
05/12/90
Want to hear a joke I made up? Sure! What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe with Lassie? I give up. A mellon-collie baby! Get it?? Ah ha ha ha ha ha! Oh! Oh! Haa ha ha! He just doesnt want to face up to the fact that Ill be the life of every party.
06/12/90
NAB! CLUNK! You just cant ever be too careful. Cheater.
07/12/90
Honey have you seen my glasses? I cant find them anywhere. I havent seen them. ! ! Calvin go do something you hate! Being miserable builds character! OK the voice was a little funny but thats still one darn sarcastic kid were raising.
08/12/90
AUGHH Those child psychology books we bought were such a waste of money.
09/12/90
Aaaaahhh! Eeee! Hee hee hee hee! Woo! Ack! Ive got you! Aaheeeee! Tickle tickle! Ah! Ah! Hee hee hee woo hoo! Im gonna getcha! Im coming after you! Eek! Hee hee. Here I come! Gotcha! Gootchie gootchie! Akpth! Ha ha ha. Eeep! Ha ha hee hee ooh! Ooh! Ha ha ha. Tickle tickle! Whoa! Whoa! Wed better stop. Calm down calm down. Ha ha hoo hoo hee hee ha. Hee hee whoof! Ha ha! (pant pant) hee hee hee wheeeeeeee ... her plan backfired dad. Im all wound up and Mom needs to be put to bed.
10/12/90
Watching a Christmas special? Yep. Another show extolling love and peace interrupted every seven minutes by commercials extolling greed and waste. I hate to think what youre learning from this. Im learning I nee my own TV so I can watch someplace else.
11/12/90
Im writing my Christmas list Hobbes. Should I add anything for you? Hmm... I cant think of anything. NOTHING?! You dont want anything at ALL?!? Ive got a good home and a best friend. What more could a tiger want? It must be sad being a species with so little imagination.
12/12/90
Thanks for helping me mail my letter to Santa. It sure was heavy. Those big envelopes hold only a couple hundred pages. Thats why I used a box. I hope Santa doesnt throw his back out when he gets it. All I can say is THIS year Santa had better bring everything on my list! Ive been extremely good all year! What about the noodle incident? NO ONE CAN PROVE I DID THAT!!
13/12/90
This whole business of Santa rewarding GOOD kids and neglecting BAD kids really bugs me. ... not that I have anything to worry about of course. A paragon of virtue thats you. Right! But see there are certain things a GOOD kid could do that might look BAD in a certain light if one didnt consider all the mitigating circumstances. Like keeping an incontenent toad in your Moms sweater drawer? Exactly. If I was being raised in a better environment I wouldnt do things like that.
14/12/90
I think if Santa is going to judge my behaviour over the last yeaer I ought to be entitled to legal representation. I mean lets face it a lot of Christmas loot is at stake here and the constitution says no person should be deprived of property without due process of law. So you can be my lawyer OK? Its easy! Me?? Sure! Heres a legal bad! Youre all set! OK but I dont take pro bono cases.
15/12/90
OK Hobbes as my lawyer youll need to review the facts of my case. Right. Well try to establish that you were insane at the time of the alleged crimes. Were not copping an INSANITY plea you moron! Were saying Im INNOCENT! Insulting an attorney is a penal offense so watch it buster. Youre supposed to argue that I havent been bad this year and I deserve to be on Santas good list! If THATs our case I advise you to settle out of court. In a minute you and I are going to settle this out of DOORS.
16/12/90
If you ask ME Hobbes the whole notion of instant gratification is a MYTH! I dont ever get what I want when I want it! I always have to wait! Look how long its taken me to be six years old! Practically forever! When do I get to drive?! When can I go see gory violent movies?! Why do I have to wait till Im older? People say lifes a journey but Im tired of wasting my precious time in transit! I say if you want to find out where the road goes get in the fast lane and hit the gas! Spare me the scenery and lets get where were going! Im a busy guy! Ive got places to be! SUMP! SPLOOP Gosh that was over quick.
17/12/90
So long Mom! Hobbes and I are off to the north pole. The north pole? Yep! Were going to see Santa. How come? You already sent him your Christmas list. Yeah but Im afraid Santa might not have considered MY version of certain recent events. Hobbes is going to be my lawyer and present my case. Just how recent are these recent events youre talking about? Gotta go Mom. Its a long walk.
18/12/90
OK heres our strategy: when we get to the north pole we tell Santa that Ive been the victim of malicious slander by my enemies and were appealing to him for justice. We say that Im really a GOOD kid... a good kid with a good heart! We say Im good good good from the moment I get up until... Hey! Theres Susie! ... until the moment a thought enters your head. I dont think she saw us! Quick pack some slushballs!
19/12/90
Susies still concentrating on her snowman! Lets sneak up and barrage her with slushballs! Two minutes ago we were on our way to tell Santa how GOOD you are remember? Have you lost your marbles?! Oops. I forgot. How many presents do you think Id forfeit for just one clean smack upside Susies head?
20/12/90
Look Im not going to be your lawyer if you cant even walk a block without pasting someone with a slushball! Its not just someone! Its SUSIE! Its a GIRL! Santa would understand! He would so! What? Oh yeah? I dont care! Im going to hit Susie with a big icy slushball! Oh really? Well maybe that furry mug of YOURS needs a slushball too! Yeah you heard me! Ow! No biting! Shh! Shh! Hold it! ... did you just hear a snicker?
21/12/90
Plotting to hit me with a slushball eh? Well HERE! POW! See that? See that?! She hit me first! Now if I hit her its justified! Ha ha ha! Sweet revenge! Oh boy! Oh boy! ... or you could PROVE to Santa how good you are. Its your big chance... I DONT WANT TO BE THIS GOOD!
22/12/90
Back from the north pole already? No we didnt even get past Susies house. But Mom I PROVED how good I am! Susie hit me with a snowball and I didnt even get her back! Santa has GOT to give me lots of presents NOW! Why did Susie hit you with a snowball? She overheard us plotting to... I mean um we were just minding our business when suddenly for no reason Susie... OK you lied. Do something good fast and maybe the last hour will sort of even out to neutral.
23/12/90
Eighty million years ago back in the late Cretaceous lived the great tyrannosaur a fearsome and predacious therapod of monstrous size! He weighed six tons or more! He epotomized the concept of the killer carnivore! His jaws had teeth like railroad spikes with fore and aft serrations! This dental hardware was designed for quick eviscerations! With thrashing bites and awful roars the T.Rex would attack! He was its clear a savage mesozoic maniac! Imagin then the panic caused the horror and the mayhem when this monster came to town and ate some folks this A.M.! It was a sight few will forget! He lunged into the crowd! The multitude became unglued! Their screams were long and loud! People pushed to get away! The elderly and small were trampled underfoot by the advancing human wall! Little Tim was on an errand with his brother howard. They dawdled by the candy shop and both boys were devoured. A camera crew from channel three arrived in town to give a live report. At this they failed because they didnt live. At last the menace ate his fill. The big tyrannosaur stomped away to parts unknown where he had lived before. Tyrannosaurs though rarely seen are certainly still around. And no one knows just where or when the next one will be found. Blow your nose dear. Achgth! Tck! Nhggrr!
24/12/90
Well the shopping is done the presents are wrapped and sent and Calvins in bed. For the first time this month theres nothing that has to be done. I know... sometimes this season really seems out of control. We dont often think about what its all supposed to mean. Mm-hmm. Its good to sit by a cozy fire and take some quiet time to reflect. WHATS THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE??
25/12/90
Psst! Wake up! Merry Christmas ol buddy! Merry christmas. I didnt get you a present but youre my best friend in the world Hobbes. Youre my best friend too. I think thats a great gift. Well enough of that! Its almost 4 am! Lets wake up Mom and Dad and see what Santa brought us! Remember we agreed that if Santa gave you any salmon youd share it!
26/12/90
Dear Grandma thank you for the nice box of crayons you sent me for Christmas. This is prompt. Oh yeah I always send grandma a thank-you note right away. ... ever since she sent me that empty box with the sarcastic note saying she was just checking to see if the postal service was still working.
27/12/90
Thats enough TV! Go play outside. I dont WANT to go outside. Hmph.
28/12/90
Behind the impenetrable walls of my snow fort I am utterly invincible! No one dares attack me! Everybody is too chicken! Im outside my fort now!
29/12/90
Its freezing in here! I can almost see my breath! The thermostat is at 68 where its going to stay. Im surprised the water pipes havent frozen! Look my lips are blue! Im catching pneumonia! Im going into hypothermia! If youre cold why dont you go shovel the driveway and get your blood moving? Nice sweater. Hmph.
30/12/90
The whole problem with modern times is that theres no pride in craftsmanship. When most kids make a snowball the just mush a bunch of snow together. Everyones a slave to efficiency! No time for aesthetics! No love of things for their own sake! But when I make a snowball its a work of art! This snow for example is just a little too powdery. It wont sting properly. I prefer a wetter snow: something with some more weight! Something that will really knock the wind out of the opponent! And how much loose rubble and dirt is acceptable before it affects the aerodynamics? Do you get better spin with an ellipsoid or a true sphere? Nobody considers these things any more! Its a lost tradition I tell you! My snowballs arent assembly line productions! They take me longer to make but each one is a unique masterpiece! Thats why I sign them. Watch this - HEY SUSIE! POW POW POW POW. Its a crass culture Hobbes. Shoddy and quick is all anybody knows. Artists always suffer.
31/12/90
By the power invested in me by the mighty and awful snow demons I command you to come to life! LIVE! LIVE! LIVVVE! RRGHH!

See Complete Calvin and Hobbes Strip Transcripts Part 2 here